All language subtitles for Newhart S04E02

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:05,103 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,159 - HI. 3 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,895 - WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? 4 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:06,498 - WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? 5 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:09,800 - DICK. 6 00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:12,904 DARTS. 7 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,507 - YEAH. YEAH, I FINALLY FOUND THEM. 8 00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:19,343 THOSE ARE THOSE CUSTOM-MADE, HAND-TOOLED BABIES 9 00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:22,480 I USED TO USE IN COLLEGE WHEN I WAS THE COLLEGE CHAMPION. 10 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:26,350 CHAMPION-SLASH-LEGEND. 11 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,819 YOU KNOW, WHEN I HUNG THESE BABIES UP, 12 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,954 I WAS UNDEFEATED. 13 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,422 NOW I'M NEEDED AGAIN. 14 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,225 FOR WHAT? - OH, THIS COMING THURSDAY 15 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,496 THE STATION IS HAVING A BIG DART TOURNAMENT. 16 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,131 TOURNAMENT-SLASH-MASSACRE. 17 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,935 - AFTERNOON, STAR. 18 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,570 STAR'S BETTER HALF. 19 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:49,907 WHERE'S THAT LITTLE BLONDE I LIKE TO CALL "STEPHANIE"? 20 00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:51,209 - SHE'S IN THAT LITTLE PLACE 21 00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,544 WE LIKE TO CALL "HER ROOM." 22 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,215 - STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE. 23 00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:00,885 - DICK, I'M SETTING UP TEAMS FOR THE DART TOURNAMENT. 24 00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:01,852 ARE YOU ANY GOOD? 25 00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:08,526 WHOA! BULLS-EYES BEWARE. 26 00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:10,294 - DICK WAS A CHAMPION IN COLLEGE. 27 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:11,362 - DICK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY 28 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,631 IF I TEAMED YOU AND YOURS TRULY ON THE SAME TEAM 29 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,368 WITH BEV DUTTON, THE HEAD CHEESE AT WPIP? 30 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,904 - I'D SAY, "ARE YOU AND BEV LUCKY." 31 00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:24,608 - MICHAEL! GUESS WHAT. 32 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,010 JOANNA AND I ARE GOING TO THE GRAND OPENING 33 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:28,079 OF THAT NEW FRENCH RESTAURANT ON THURSDAY. 34 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,113 DO YOU WANT TO COME? 35 00:02:29,148 --> 00:02:31,949 IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO DRESS UP AND BE SEEN WITH ME. 36 00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:34,985 - OUCH. 37 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,788 THE STATION'S ANNUAL DART TOURNEY IS THURSDAY. 38 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,855 - BUT, MICHAEL, 39 00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:40,057 A GRAND OPENING HAPPENS ONLY ONCE. 40 00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:43,461 ANNUAL THINGS ARE, LIKE, EVERY YEAR. 41 00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:44,695 - BUT THIS IS BUSINESS, STEPH, 42 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,698 AND YOU HAVE JOANNA TO GO WITH. 43 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,766 WE CAN DATE EVERY NIGHT RIGHT UP TO THE BAD ONE. 44 00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,671 - WELL, I'LL TRY THAT, 45 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,674 BUT YOU'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. 46 00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:00,011 - THEN, RETRACT LIP. 47 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,746 LET'S GET OUT THERE AND DATE! 48 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:07,752 - YOUR TURN, BEV. 49 00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:11,455 - I LOVE THESE TOURNAMENTS. 50 00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:12,456 THE ONE TIME OF YEAR 51 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:15,126 WE CAN DROP THE "EMPLOYER-EMPLOYEE" THING 52 00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,862 AND JUST GET TOGETHER LIKE OLD FRIENDS. 53 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,436 EIGHTY-FIVE! 54 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:25,903 EIGHTY-FIVE, BUD. 55 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,772 READ IT AND WEEP, BOZO. 56 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,543 WE'RE GONNA SMOKE THEIR BUTTS. 57 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,813 - LET'S NOT GET COCKY, BEV. 58 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,115 LET'S JUST LEAVE THEM FOR DEAD. 59 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,555 - HEY, DICK, THOSE LOOK NEAT. 60 00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,590 CAN I USE 'EM TOO? 61 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,059 - OH, I'M SORRY, J.J. 62 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,528 THESE ARE SPECIALLY BALANCED FOR MY HAND. 63 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:52,763 - FINE, DICK. 64 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,333 WHY DON'T WE ALL ACT LIKE WE'RE FOUR 65 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,168 AND NOT SHARE OUR TOYS? 66 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,324 Bud: WHAT'D YA GET, DICK? 67 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,359 - UH, FIFTEEN. 68 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,166 - EXACTLY WHICH TEAM DID YOU PLAN TO LEAVE FOR DEAD? 69 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,938 - FIFTEEN? 70 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,373 - I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S WRONG. 71 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,442 - DICK, DICK, MAYBE YOU'RE TOO TENSE. 72 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,443 - YOUR TURN, MICHAEL. 73 00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:39,511 - OH, YEAH. SURE. 74 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,212 SORRY. 75 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,516 ALL RIGHT, NOW, DICK, 76 00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,952 I WANNA SEE SOME RELAXING AND I WANNA SEE IT NOW. 77 00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:49,086 - HOW'D YOU DO, MICHAEL? 78 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,722 - OH, UH... 79 00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:53,491 128. 80 00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:57,529 - GEEZ, THAT'S OVER 100 MORE THAN DICK. 81 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,734 - MICHAEL, MICHAEL, 82 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,269 WE'RE GONNA MOP UP THE FLOOR WITH THEIR HEADS! 83 00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:06,638 - WAIT-- WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE. 84 00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,573 I-- I-- I KNOW WHAT IT IS. 85 00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,842 I-- I'VE NEVER WORN A JACKET LIKE THIS 86 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:13,211 BEFORE PLAYING DARTS. 87 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:15,914 OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THAT'S-- 88 00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,084 THAT'S-- THAT'S MUCH BETTER. 89 00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:22,453 THE JACKET WAS-- WAS THE CULPRIT. 90 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,664 THE SHIRT WAS THE CULPRIT. 91 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,675 - TWENTY? 92 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,381 - IF HE SAYS HIS SHORTS ARE THE CULPRIT, I'M LEAVING. 93 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,320 Michael: STEPH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 94 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,756 - OH, THAT STUPID RESTAURANT CANCELED ITS GRAND OPENING. 95 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,091 - STEPHANIE, THE PLACE CAUGHT FIRE. 96 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,831 - POOR STEPH. 97 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:09,467 - WHEN YOU LEFT THE HOUSE, 98 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,168 YOU HAD CLOTHES ON, RIGHT? 99 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:16,441 - JOANNA, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND DARTS. 100 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,243 ( singsong ) - I'M READY, LET'S GO. 101 00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:21,546 - GO? BUT THIS IS KIND OF IMPORTANT 102 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,414 AND YOU SAID I COULD HAVE TONIGHT OFF. 103 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:25,250 - THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD NOTHING TO DO. 104 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,852 - MICHAEL, IT'S YOUR TURN. 105 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,186 - UH, WE'LL GO SOMEPLACE 106 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,088 AS SOON AS THE TOURNAMENT IS OVER. 107 00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:32,890 - MICHAEL, YOU WANT ME TO WAIT? 108 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:35,827 IN A BASEMENT WHERE PEOPLE ARE PERSPIRING? 109 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,229 WE'RE LEAVING. 110 00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:40,865 - BUT, STEPH, I'M A HERO. 111 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,301 DICK WENT TO PIECES AND I'M CARRYING THE DAY. 112 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,775 - MICHAEL, HOW DOES THE THOUGHT OF DATING AIR 113 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,276 SOUND TO YOU? 114 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,414 - THANKS, EVERYBODY. I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME. 115 00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:57,481 Bud: MICHAEL! 116 00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,951 IT'S AMAZING HE THROWS DARTS SO WELL 117 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,452 WITH NO SPINE. 118 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,457 ( knocking ) 119 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,761 - TAA-DAA! 120 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:14,932 - VERY GOOD, GEORGE. 121 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,568 - YEAH, I THOUGHT BULLS-EYES WERE GONNA BE HARD TO GET, 122 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,238 BUT WITH THESE DARTS OF YOURS, YOU CAN'T MISS. 123 00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:25,476 UNLESS YOU'RE-- 124 00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:27,812 UNLESS YOU'RE REAL GOOD LIKE YOU. 125 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:34,251 - WERE YOU-- WERE YOU THROWING FROM THE REGULATION DISTANCE? 126 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,787 SEVEN FEET, NINE AND A QUARTER INCHES? 127 00:07:36,822 --> 00:07:39,223 - WELL, SEE, THAT EXPLAINS IT. 128 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,926 I MUST'VE BEEN THROWING 15 FEET. 129 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,729 I'LL GO BACK AND DO IT RIGHT. 130 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,563 OH, AND JOANNA ASKED ME TO REMIND YOU 131 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:49,133 THAT IT'S ATTIC CLEANING DAY. 132 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,701 - YOU'RE KIDDING? 133 00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:53,538 YOU MEAN, I COMPLETELY MISSED "ATTIC CLEANING EVE"? 134 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,007 - HI, GEORGE. 135 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,009 DICK, GOT A MINUTE? - NO. 136 00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,178 BECAUSE YOU LEFT LAST NIGHT, 137 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,614 I LOST MY FIRST DART TOURNAMENT IN 17 YEARS 138 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,651 AND-- AND THEN I HAD TO LISTEN TO A TAUNTING CROWD CHANT 139 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:09,486 "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT ALL OFF!" 140 00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:14,092 - I KNOW, DICK. I'M-- I'M SORRY. 141 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,293 - YOU'RE WHAT? - I'M SORRY. 142 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,829 I BEHAVED BADLY AND I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES. 143 00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:18,997 - ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU 144 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,065 AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MICHAEL? 145 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,602 - DICK, I WAS MAD 146 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,470 WHEN STEPH MADE ME LEAVE THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT 147 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,273 BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY. 148 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,342 THEN, IN THE RESTAURANT WHEN THE CHAMPAGNE TICKLED HER NOSE 149 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,677 AND SHE WENT "OOH!" 150 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:38,349 ALL I COULD THINK WAS, "I'M NOT LIKING YOU." 151 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:39,950 DICK, I'M SCARED. 152 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,252 I MEAN, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN I-- 153 00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,687 I DIDN'T LIKE HER DRESS, 154 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:43,888 AND THERE WERE FOUR HUMID DAYS 155 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:45,923 WHERE I DIDN'T LIKE HER HAIR, 156 00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:49,960 BUT I'VE NEVER NOT LIKED HER. 157 00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,095 - WELL, MAYBE THE-- 158 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:53,030 THE FIRST STEP IN GETTING TO LIKE STEPHANIE AGAIN 159 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,700 IS NOT LETTING HER WALK ALL OVER YOU LIKE-- 160 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:56,634 LIKE LAST NIGHT. 161 00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:57,635 - WELL, WHAT COULD I DO? 162 00:08:57,670 --> 00:09:01,038 SHE WAS STAMPING HER SIZE-FOUR FOOT. 163 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,106 - SO? 164 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:05,076 - WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN JOANNA STAMPS HER GUNBOATS? 165 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,248 - FIRST, IT ISN'T LIKE JOANNA TO-- 166 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,551 TO STAMP HER "GUNBOATS," 167 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:18,088 AND IF SHE DID, THEN I'D HAVE TO 168 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,792 BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER. 169 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,864 - GEE, DICK. 170 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,133 I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WANT TO BE YOU BEFORE. 171 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,105 - HONEY, I COULD USE YOUR HELP IN THE ATTIC. 172 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,606 - NOT JUST NOW, DEAR. 173 00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,141 - DICK, YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING THIS OFF FOR MONTHS. 174 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,876 WE REALLY SHOULD GET ON IT. 175 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,044 - I SAID, "NOT NOW." 176 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,513 GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN! 177 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:55,359 SORRY, MICHAEL. I USUALLY TRY TO DO THAT IN PRIVATE. 178 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,596 - DICK, IF I SAID THAT TO STEPH, 179 00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,597 SHE'D LEAVE ME AND TAKE MY TONGUE WITH HER. 180 00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:04,468 BUT I GUESS I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING. 181 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,117 - "GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN"? 182 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,754 - OKAY, LET'S HIT THAT ATTIC, SWEETHEART. 183 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:30,828 - STEPH? 184 00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:32,897 - MICHAEL! 185 00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,336 - STEPH, YOU AND I HAVE TO TALK. 186 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:41,105 - YES, MICHAEL? 187 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,708 - BEFORE WE DO, COULD YOU KISS ME AGAIN? 188 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,914 NO GOOSEBUMPS. 189 00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:53,150 - WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY BUNCHED UP 190 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,419 UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES. 191 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,553 ( Michael chuckling ) 192 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,892 ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE THEY? 193 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,629 - STEPH, I'M REALLY SORRY 194 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,964 BUT EVER SINCE YOU MADE ME LEAVE THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT, 195 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,902 I'M HAVING TROUBLE LIKING YOU. 196 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,940 - WELL, YOU'RE FORGIVEN. 197 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,213 - STEPH, LISTEN TO ME. 198 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,215 YOU RUN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND I DON'T LIKE IT... 199 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,516 I THINK. 200 00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,854 - WELL, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CRITICISM, 201 00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:33,290 AND IF IT IS THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN OUT THERE 202 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:35,159 WHO WOULD LOVE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. 203 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,360 - THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING 204 00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:38,462 I'M TALKING ABOUT, PRETTY MUCH. 205 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,733 IF I DON'T DO WHAT YOU WANT, YOU THREATEN TO LEAVE ME. 206 00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,868 I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THAT. 207 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:47,738 - OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A CRITICISM. 208 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:50,775 MICHAEL, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME 209 00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,709 WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME. 210 00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:53,878 NOW, YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS 211 00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:57,014 TO REWORD EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID INTO A COMPLIMENT. 212 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,051 - I CAN'T. 213 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,556 - YOU'RE UPSET. TAKE ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS. 214 00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,792 - STEPH, YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME ANY CHOICE. 215 00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:10,962 I CAN'T KEEP ON BEING WITH YOU AND LOVING YOU AND... 216 00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,098 NOT LIKING YOU. 217 00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:18,102 I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE. 218 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,341 ( somber music playing ) 219 00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:34,652 - YOU CERTAINLY SEEM BETTER. 220 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,888 - WELL, CAN'T WALK AROUND GRIEVING. 221 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,491 MISERY REALLY AGES A FACE. 222 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,193 YOU SHOULD REMEMBER THAT, JOANNA, 223 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:46,930 BUT I AM STARTING TO LOSE PATIENCE WITH MICHAEL. 224 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,265 IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. 225 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,266 IF HE DOESN'T CALL PRETTY SOON, 226 00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:51,502 THIS RELATIONSHIP'S IN BIG TROUBLE. 227 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,940 - STEPHANIE, YOU TWO BROKE UP. 228 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:58,909 ISN'T THAT SORT OF THE SUBURBS OF TROUBLE? 229 00:12:58,945 --> 00:12:59,877 - MORNING. 230 00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,714 - SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBURBS. 231 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:04,749 - JOANNA. 232 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,684 STEPHANIE. 233 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,019 - GOOD MORNING, MICHAEL. 234 00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,056 - STEPH? 235 00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:13,257 - YES, MICHAEL? 236 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:17,094 - COULD YOU RETURN MY JULIO IGLESIAS ALBUM? 237 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,198 JOANNA, IS DICK IN HIS OFFICE? 238 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,133 - YES. - THANKS. SEE YA. 239 00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:28,038 ( door opens, closes ) 240 00:13:28,073 --> 00:13:30,140 - WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO. 241 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,677 - STEPHANIE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM. 242 00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:36,180 - JOANNA, WHEN HE IGNORES ME 243 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:40,818 AND DEMANDS CUSTODY OF JULIO, WELL, IT'S OVER. 244 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:42,986 STARTING TONIGHT, I'M DATING AGAIN. 245 00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:48,392 ( door slams ) 246 00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:50,694 - HAS-- HAS STEPHANIE GONE? 247 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,329 - SHE'S OUT ON THE PORCH. WHY? 248 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:58,035 ( Michael crying ) 249 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:00,771 - OH! 250 00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:01,772 ( Michael crying ) 251 00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,340 WHAT HAPPENED? 252 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,143 - YOU DIDN'T TELL ME STEPH WOULD BE HERE. 253 00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:09,747 - MICHAEL, SHE LIVES HERE. 254 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:15,553 - OH, MICHAEL, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. 255 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,020 - I CAN'T! 256 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,893 - BUT, UH, MISERY AGES A FACE. 257 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,869 Stephanie: JOANNA, I NEED A MAN'S OPINION 258 00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:33,537 ON HOW PRETTY I LOOK. 259 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:34,638 WHERE'S DICK? 260 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:35,939 - HE MET MICHAEL FOR LUNCH 261 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:39,109 AND THEN HE WENT TO THE STATION FOR THE SHOW. 262 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,745 - IS THIS SUNDAY ALREADY? 263 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:46,784 LET'S SEE, PAUL, JERRY, KEN, BILL, HABIB. 264 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,418 IT IS SUNDAY! 265 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,254 - YOU LIKE ANY OF THOSE GUYS? 266 00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:54,125 - WELL, KEN WAS NICE, 267 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:57,028 BUT HIS HIGHEST ASPIRATION IS TO BUY A PICKUP TRUCK 268 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,630 AND EQUIP IT WITH REALLY BIG TIRES. 269 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,034 I DON'T KNOW. 270 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,302 MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT NONE OF THEM ARE... 271 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,339 - MICHAEL? 272 00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:09,507 ( knocking ) 273 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,409 - MAYBE PATRICK WILL BE DIFFERENT. 274 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,444 HE'S AN ARTIST. 275 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,646 I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING PAINTINGS OF MYSELF 276 00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:17,080 IN THE MAJOR MUSEUMS. 277 00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,418 - HI, STEPHANIE. 278 00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:24,921 - ROSES. 279 00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:26,757 HOW ORIGINAL. 280 00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:28,726 JOANNA, THIS IS PATRICK. 281 00:15:30,028 --> 00:15:31,061 - HELLO. 282 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,095 - HELLO. 283 00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:38,936 - WELL, HOW DO I LOOK? 284 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,604 - FINE. 285 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,641 - THIS IS A NEW DRESS. 286 00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,810 - LOOKS NEW. 287 00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:51,715 - OH, STOP. 288 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,419 THAT'S A VERY NICE SHIRT. 289 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,421 - OH, THANKS. IT BELONGED TO MY BROTHER. 290 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,689 HE WAS ON A DIET, 291 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,258 SO HE GAVE ME ALL HIS FAT CLOTHES. 292 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:10,600 - SO, PATRICK, I HEAR YOU'RE AN ARTIST. 293 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,403 - WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HEAR THAT? 294 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:15,840 - YOU SAID YOU WERE A PAINTER. 295 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,274 - WELL, I USED TO PAINT HOUSES, 296 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,042 BUT THAT WAS NOWHERE. 297 00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:23,046 NOW I SELL PAINT, WHICH IS AN ART IN ITSELF. 298 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,981 YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE BUY PAINT? 299 00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,951 I MEAN, ASK THE LAYMAN, HE'D SAY THE COLOR. 300 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,351 WRONG. 301 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,854 IT'S THE NAME OF THE COLOR. 302 00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:31,789 I MEAN, THE MORE "PS" IN A PAINT'S NAME, 303 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,357 THE BETTER IT SELLS. 304 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,363 - WELL, WE'D BETTER GO. 305 00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,801 - WHERE TO? 306 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,237 - HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A TELEVISION STATION? 307 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,538 - AH! 308 00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:51,742 ( music playing ) 309 00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:54,344 - OKAY, WE OPEN THE SHOW WITH SOME YAKKETY-YAKKETY, 310 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,179 THEN GO TO A DIAGRAM OF THE ANTEATER'S LAIR, 311 00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:58,048 THEN WE TROT OUT THE STUFFED ANTEATER, 312 00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,050 AND WE CLOSE WITH SOME BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. 313 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:03,453 - YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS SMART 314 00:17:03,488 --> 00:17:05,488 TO BUILD TO THE "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." 315 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:09,025 J.J., RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING, I WANT A CAMERA ON THE... 316 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,394 - UH, TEN SECONDS TO AIR, DICK. 317 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:13,497 - WHAT? - NINE, EIGHT... 318 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,568 OH, MY MISTAKE, DICK. 319 00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:20,938 THIRTY SECONDS TO AIR. 320 00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,209 I LOVE DOING THAT TO HIM. 321 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:27,077 HE ALWAYS MAKES THE SAME FACE. 322 00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,848 HEY, THE STUFFED ANTEATER ISN'T ON THE STAGE. 323 00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:35,719 - HEY, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WANT THAT ANTEATER. 324 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,288 - NOW, BUD. 325 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:44,795 AND WE'RE ON IN THREE, TWO, ONE, AND NAPTIME EVERYBODY. 326 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:45,996 Announcer: AND NOW "VERMONT TODAY" 327 00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:48,231 STARRING DICK LAUDEN, WITH TODAY'S GUEST, 328 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,935 ANTEATER EXPERT FRANCINE MAURHOFFER. 329 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:51,969 - CUE, DICK. 330 00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:53,904 Dick: FRANCINE, YOU'RE A VERMONT NATIVE. 331 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:54,972 HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED 332 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,141 IN OUR LONG-NOSED FRIEND FROM THE SOUTH? 333 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:02,512 Francine: WELL, DICK, WE HAVE ANTS IN VERMONT, 334 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:03,513 SO FIRST I BECAME... 335 00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:05,148 - PATRICK, WHY DON'T YOU WAIT HERE 336 00:18:05,183 --> 00:18:08,752 AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE NEED TO CONTINUE THIS DATE? 337 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:12,022 - I'LL WAIT THERE BY THAT PAPAYA PINK WALL. 338 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,391 SEE, THREE "PS"! 339 00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:20,196 - MICHAEL, I WANT YOU TO STOP THIS BREAKUP NONSENSE. 340 00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,197 Francine: ...I MIGHT ADD... 341 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,100 - STEPH, YOU'RE WILLING TO COMPROMISE? 342 00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:26,803 - MICHAEL, MY PART OF THE COMPROMISE IS I'M HERE; 343 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,472 YOUR PART IS THAT EVERYTHING GOES BACK 344 00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,540 TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE. 345 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:32,008 Dick: LET'S ZOOM IN ON THIS DIAGRAM 346 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,178 AND WE CAN ALL SEE HOW ANTEATERS LIVE. 347 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,749 - STEPH, I CAN'T GO BACK. 348 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,884 YOU'LL JUST... 349 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,352 WHO'S THE GUY IN THE HAND-ME-DOWNS? 350 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,122 - HE HAPPENS TO BE A RESPECTED ARTIST. 351 00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:46,490 IGNORE HIM. 352 00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:50,361 Dick: I SAID, "LET'S ZOOM IN." 353 00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:52,228 - J.J., DICK NEEDS HIS ZOOM OR SOMETHING. 354 00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:54,898 - OH, UH, CAMERA ONE, ZOOM IN ON THE DIAGRAM. 355 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:57,867 - MICHAEL, 356 00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,103 I'VE MISSED YOU. 357 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,437 HAVEN'T YOU MISSED ME? 358 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,572 - WELL, SURE, STEPH. 359 00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:03,640 IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME 360 00:19:03,675 --> 00:19:06,376 LIP-SYNCING TO "WESTSIDE STORY" WITHOUT MY MARIA. 361 00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,581 BUT I DON'T MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE. 362 00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:13,683 - OH, YOU ARE JUST THE MOST STUBBORN MAN. 363 00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:14,684 Dick: NOW THAT WE'VE TAKEN 364 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,421 A GOOD, LONG LOOK AT THE DIAGRAM, 365 00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:24,761 LET'S FOCUS ON FRANCINE'S STUFFED ANTEATER. 366 00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,231 OKAY, WHERE'S THE ANTEATER? 367 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,936 - SO, THIS THING EATS ANTS. 368 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,038 DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A FAIR FIGHT. 369 00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:38,408 - MICHAEL, 370 00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,109 THERE'S GOT TO BE A COMPROMISE 371 00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:42,413 THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ME. 372 00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,615 - AFRAID NOT, STEPH. 373 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,816 Dick: NOW THAT THE ANTEATER'S HERE, 374 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:49,152 IT'S EXACTLY AS YOU DESCRIBED IT. 375 00:19:49,187 --> 00:19:51,021 I'M SURE THE HOME AUDIENCE WOULD AGREE, 376 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,557 IF WE EVER SHOW IT ON CAMERA. 377 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,260 - THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE THE ANTEATER. 378 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,096 - OH, AND THEY WON'T. WE HAVE TO GO TO COMMERCIAL. 379 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,764 CUE, DICK. 380 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,499 Dick: WHAT? 381 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,667 WELL, WE'LL BE BACK WITH "WITH THE ANTEATER" 382 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,136 AFTER THIS MESSAGE. 383 00:20:06,171 --> 00:20:07,804 - AND ROLL COMMERCIAL. 384 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:08,872 - WHAT IS THIS? 385 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,207 I BUSTED MY TAIL TO GET YOU AN ANTEATER. 386 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,177 THERE WAS NO RUSH! 387 00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:16,813 - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP HERE? 388 00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:17,948 - IF YOU DON'T MIND, DICK, 389 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:19,049 MICHAEL AND STEPHANIE ARE TRYING TO PATCH IT UP. 390 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,684 - I DON'T CARE! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. 391 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,485 DIRECT THE SHOW! 392 00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:25,221 - ANYTHING YOU SAY, DICK. 393 00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:30,694 - MICHAEL, WILL YOU HURRY UP 394 00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,062 AND STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT? 395 00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:34,264 MY ANTEATER SHOW IS FALLING TO PIECES. 396 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,933 - I CAN'T, DICK. SHE WON'T BUDGE A SKOOCH. 397 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,336 - STEPHANIE, WHY WON'T YOU BUDGE A SKOOCH? 398 00:20:40,772 --> 00:20:42,606 - I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST... 399 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:47,211 MICHAEL, REMEMBER THAT LITTLE RED CONVERTIBLE 400 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,079 YOU LOVED SO MUCH 401 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,749 AND THEN YOU GOT A SCRATCH ON IT SO YOU UNLOADED IT? 402 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:56,620 WELL, IF I BACK DOWN IT-- 403 00:20:56,655 --> 00:21:01,191 IT'S KIND OF THE SAME AS HAVING A SCRATCH. 404 00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:04,094 - OH, STEPH, I'D NEVER UNLOAD YOU. 405 00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:07,263 I'D JUST LIKE YOU TO COME WITH A FEW MORE OPTIONS. 406 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:13,203 - MICHAEL, NOW I KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU. 407 00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:15,572 YOU ARE THE SWEETEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED. 408 00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:19,009 NOW, WHAT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO TO GET YOU BACK, 409 00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:21,078 AND I MEAN THE VERY LEAST. 410 00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:24,548 - LET ME BE SELFISH SOMETIMES, 411 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:27,251 LIKE IF YOU REALLY WANT ITALIAN 412 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,687 AND I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT CHINESE, 413 00:21:30,722 --> 00:21:32,856 WE GO FOR CHINESE. 414 00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:36,326 - WHAT IF I REALLY, REALLY WANT ITALIAN? 415 00:21:36,361 --> 00:21:38,261 - THEN WE COUNT "REALLYS." 416 00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:42,833 - DEAL. 417 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,570 THANK GOD THAT'S OVER. 418 00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:47,838 - STEPH. 419 00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:49,006 - MORE? 420 00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:52,476 - WHEN WE DON'T AGREE ON SOMETHING, 421 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:54,645 YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO LEAVE ME. 422 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,049 - CAN I STILL GET MAD AND POUT AND GO ON BUYING BINGES? 423 00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:00,049 - WELL, NATCH! 424 00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:02,419 I NEVER ASKED TO HAVE YOU DECLAWED. 425 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,891 - WELL. OKAY. 426 00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,227 BUT THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. 427 00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,163 PATRICK, GO HOME. 428 00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:15,431 - THANK YOU. I HAD A-- I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME. 429 00:22:21,140 --> 00:22:22,272 - OH, STEPH. 430 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:26,109 - DICK, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A SHAMBLES IN MY LIFE. 431 00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:27,544 WHAT KIND OF A SHOW ARE YOU DOING HERE? 432 00:22:27,546 --> 00:22:30,013 - ME? NO ONE IN THE CONTROL BOOTH WAS PAYING ATTENTION. 433 00:22:30,048 --> 00:22:33,817 - SURE. AND AT THE DART GAME YOU BLAMED YOUR SHIRT. 434 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:34,885 - REALLY! J.J. WAS... 435 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,219 - UH, FIVE SECONDS, DICK. 436 00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:39,356 ( chuckling ) - I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN. 437 00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:41,825 BEV, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN HERE WHO'S DOING HIS JOB. 438 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,394 Announcer: AND NOW, BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY." 439 00:22:44,430 --> 00:22:45,729 ONCE AGAIN... 440 00:22:52,738 --> 00:22:56,306 ( theme music playing ) 441 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:22,965 man's voice: MEOW. 31282

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