All language subtitles for Newhart - S01E09

This is gonna be
a great Christmas.
I know.

Dick and I have been dreaming
about a Christmas in Vermont
for years.

There's just something
about it that seems warm
and old-fashioned,

just like
Christmas should be.

KIRK: ? I made
a Christmas wish today

? Let me find a chick
in Santa's sleigh ?

Hey! I've really got
the spirit this year.

Up until now,
so have we.

Are those
Christmas cookies I smell?

Well, those haven't been
baked yet.

They don't need to be.
They're delicious
just the way they are.

Kirk...
Hmm?

...wouldn't you like
to spit that out?

Spit what out?

You haven't
swallowed the cookie.

Sure I have,
and I loved it.

Would you excuse
me for one minute?
I just have to sneeze.

(FAKE SNEEZING)

So, can I count on
all of us being together
for Christmas tomorrow?

Sure.

Should we all cram
into the Minuteman
for burgers,

or should I just
come over here?

Why don't you
just come over here?

You know, this is gonna be
the best Christmas
I've ever had.

Me, too.
I'm going home.
What?

I'm going home.
You're going home?

Yeah.
What for?

To be with my family.

But this is Christmas.

Kirk, Christmas is
traditionally a time

when people want to be
with their families.

I don't.
I want to be with Leslie.

Christmas is a big deal
with my family.

I really have to go home.

I'm going with you.

It's just family.
I'll wait in the car.

I'm flying.
I'll wait in the plane.

Kirk, we'll have
a lovely Christmas here.

I won't.

Yes, you will.
We'll have baked ham.
We'll roast chestnuts.

We'll do all the things
that make Christmas special.

Fine.
But I'm gonna be drunk.

Well, we're off
to get the tree.

JOANNA: Isn't this exciting?

We're gonna have our own
fresh-cut Christmas tree.

George, I bet you know
the best place to get one.

Well, the best place is
Guy's Market,

but Dick has this thing
about cutting down his own.

Well, it's just something
I've always wanted to do.

You know,
we'll hike out in the woods.

We'll smell the pine,
breathe the fresh air.

I mean, this is the way
people used to
celebrate Christmas.

That was before
they built Guy's.

Well, let's go.
Kirk, you gonna go with us?

Sure, if you don't mind
stopping on the way

for some cheap wine
and a carton of cigarettes.

You don't smoke.
I do now.

I take it you
broke the news
about going home.

Yeah.

Oh, honey, Mrs. Thomas
called, and she confirmed
all 24 members

of the Silver Bird Ski Club
for this afternoon.

So we're gonna have
a full house for Christmas.

Great. Sounds like
everything's working out
perfectly.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Your mother's
fruitcake arrived.

You throw it out?
Yeah.

Good. Well,
we'll see you later.

Well...

Christmas is
really stupid.

I think
that does it.

Joanna is gonna
love this tree.

You know,
every year in New York
she used to go crazy

decorating our apartment.

I just can't wait to see
what she does with this.

Good grief.
Oh, there you are.

What do you think of it?
Dick, that's a whole tree.

Isn't it everything
you ever dreamed of?

It's twice anything
I ever dreamed of.

Honey, why'd you have to
cut down such a big one?

Uh, we didn't
cut this down.

Then where
did you get it?

Guy's.

Dick, I don't have
enough decorations
for that tree.

Honey, you'll do
a great job.

I mean, you always did
with our trees in New York.

Our trees
in New York were
two and a half feet high

and sat on top of
a television set.

This tree looks like
it should be in
Rockefeller Center.

Yeah, it's a beaut,
isn't it?

So, who's gonna
take me to the airport?

I will.

We'd better take the truck.

The roads could be bad,
the way it's snowing
out there.

Wow! Your tree looks great.

But, Joanna,
it's gonna take you
forever to decorate it.

No. With what I've got,
it should take me
about five minutes.

Well, I guess
this is goodbye.

We're gonna miss you.

But you have
a wonderful time.

Thanks. I will.

Merry Christmas, Dick.
Same to you.

Kirk?

Yeah?

I'm going home now.

I know.

Merry Christmas.

Please let me
go home with you.

Don't leave me
here with them.

I'm ready, George.
Okay.

Wow, it's
cold. Hi.

MAN: Merry Christmas.
JOANNA:
Merry Christmas to you.

Boy, is it great
to be inside.

It's snowing so bad
you can hardly
see out there.

But all this fresh
powder should be
great for skiing.

Assuming
it stops.

Oh, don't say that.
It's got to stop.

It's the whole reason
we're here.

You must be
the Silver Birds.

Yeah, the rest of us
are outside
unloading the bus.

Well, hi, everybody.
I'm Joanna Loudon.
This is my husband, Dick.

It's so nice to
have all of you here.

It's nice
to be here.

We didn't think
we'd make it. They're
closing the roads.

Oh, George, we'd better
hurry if we're gonna
get to the airport.

You'd better call first.
It's turning into
a blizzard out there.

I'm not sure any planes
are gonna be leaving.

What?

Oh, no.
What if I can't get home?

Then I'd say
praying works.

Let's not
panic yet.

Dick, why don't
you check in
the Silver Birds?

I'll call the airport.
Come on, Leslie, we'll use
the phone in the study.

Say, it would be a shame
if all this snow keeps Leslie
from getting home.

Oh, I didn't realize
the airport was closed.

Well, when do you
think it'll reopen?

Of course,
when it stops snowing, yes.

I mean, do you know
when that will be?

Oh, I see.

Are you two
together?

We can be.

No, we can't.

Well, why don't you
take room five
and you take room...

Six?

Eleven.

Oh. What's the word?

I'm stuck.
The airport's closed.

I'm not going home
for Christmas.

Joy to the world!
Let me grab your bags.

Look out. Gangway.
Leslie can't go home.

Look out. Gangway.
Leslie can't go home.

Look out. Gangway...

Well, that didn't
take long.

This is awful.
No, it isn't awful.

It'll look better
with the lights on.

All right, I'm gonna
turn off the lights
in the lobby.

George,
you plug in the tree lights
on the count of three.

This is gonna be beautiful.

One, two, three.

DICK: Are you sure
those are all
the decorations you have?

Maybe popcorn would help.

It might.
Everything looks better
on a full stomach.

George, she meant
to string on the tree.

We're never
gonna ski.

We're gonna
sit on our duffs
this whole vacation.

No, you won't.
I'm sure the snow
will let up

and you'll be able
to ski.

How do you know that?
I don't.

I just made that up.

But, I mean,
it's Christmas Eve.

I think we ought
to think positive.

Well, I just told my parents
I'm not coming home
for Christmas.

This is just
turning into a
terrible Christmas.

No, it isn't.

It is if you
want to ski.

All right, look,
maybe things
haven't turned out

as perfectly as we
wanted them, but...

I mean, maybe we don't have
enough decorations
to go on the tree,

and maybe Leslie
isn't gonna get home,

and maybe the ski club
won't go skiing,

but, I mean,
it's still Christmas Eve.

This is still New England
and we're still together.

I don't even have
a place to stay.
You rented my room.

Leslie, you're welcome
to stay at my place

and if that makes
you feel uncomfortable,

we can get married.

(SIGHS)

Kirk, we'll find her a room.

I just can't believe
I'm not gonna be with
my family for Christmas.

Leslie, look,
I know how you feel,

but I'm not gonna
see my family

and George isn't gonna
see his family.

Well, I don't have a family.

You must have
some family.
No.

No parents?
Brothers? Sisters?

No.

No aunts?
Uncles? Cousins?

No.

You mean
you're all alone
in the world?

I'm all alone
in the world.

George, I'm sorry.

I can't believe it.
I'm all alone
in the world.

Good, Joanna.
Now they're both depressed.

I just thought
of something else.

If the airport's closed,
that means your parents
can't get in either.

You're really on a roll,
you know that?

This is a
terrible Christmas.

Hey, look, everybody,
quit saying that.

This could be
a great Christmas.

It would take a miracle
to make this
a great Christmas.

Boy, it's cold out there.

Can I help you?

My wife and I were
trying to get home,
but all the roads are blocked.

Is there any chance
you could put us up?

I'm sorry,
we're overbooked
as it is.

He could stay
with me. I'm all
alone in the world.

I mean, if I had
something, I'd give it
to you, but...

I mean, it's Christmas Eve
and there's no room
at the inn.

What did they say, Joe?
Can they put us up?

You're pregnant.

I know.

Let me get this straight.
This is Christmas Eve and

you show up with
a pregnant wife and
there's no room at the inn.

You know,
I thought about that, too.
It's kind of close, isn't it?

But she's not due
for two weeks.

Listen, you'll take
our room.
You're kidding.

No, that's
a wonderful idea.

Oh, we wouldn't want
to put you out.

On behalf of
innkeepers everywhere,
I think we owe you one.

Leslie, why don't
you show them
where our room is?

We really
appreciate this.

Yeah, really.
Thanks a lot.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks.

Is this your first baby?
Yes.

Any names
picked out?

Well, if it's a boy,
Abraham or Isaiah.

If it's a girl, Tammy.

Listen, Dick,
if you and Joanna
need a place to stay...

We know, George.

I just heard on the radio
they closed all
the ski lifts for tomorrow.

(ALL GROANING)

Well, that's it!
You can throw this
Christmas in the trash.

You know,
I don't believe
our luck!

We're sorry.

Joanna, you don't
have to apologize.

I'm sure they're
not blaming us.

Hey, just because
we're snowed in doesn't mean
we still can't have fun.

I don't know.
I don't even have
a TV in my room.

There's no TV in
any of the rooms.

You think this
Christmas is bad?

Picture growing up
in an orphanage
in Nova Scotia.

You grew up in
an orphanage
in Nova Scotia?

I didn't say that.
I said picture it.

Anyway, I know
a guaranteed spirit-lifter.

Let's have
a tree-trimming party!

We don't have
anything to
trim a tree with.

I'm surprised
you even have a tree.

Probably grew there.

I have souvenirs
over at the cafe.
We can use those.

You have Kewpie dolls
and rubber alligators.

I mean, it's all junk.

Fine, Dick.
You're the one
with 24 angry guests.

All right,
get your junk.

I'm hungry.

Yeah, me, too.

Uh, what time is dinner?

(STUTTERING)
We don't serve dinner.

Actually,
what I mean to say...
We almost never serve dinner

but, I mean, since it is
Christmas Eve and

since you're all
being such good sports,

I'm sure we can
whip something up.

Dick, could I see you
in the dining room, please?

Oh, what do you know?
They have a dining room.

Dick, I don't have
enough dinner
for 24 people.

All I have is what
we were going to have.

My Christmas ham?

I guess I could
make ham omelets.

Not with my ham.

I could dice it.

Not my ham,
you couldn't.

Honey, they're our guests.
We can't just give them eggs.

Joanna, baked ham
on Christmas Eve is
my favorite meal

of the entire year.

But what about
those people out there?

It's Christmas.
I don't care about
the people out there.

Well, I just got
the pregnant couple
settled in your room.

They were wondering
if there was
anything to eat.

Dice my ham.

Leslie,
you start setting tables.

Honey, you better
try calling
your parents again.

All right.
I'll go in the kitchen

and start cracking
seven dozen eggs.

I think I'll scramble them
in the sink.

Uh, dinner will be ready
soon. Just relax and do
whatever you like.

(SLOW CHRISTMAS CAROL
PLAYING ON RADIO)

George?

What are you doing here?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I wanted to be alone.

George, I know
you're feeling bad because
you don't have any family,

but I don't
want you to think,
you know, that you're alone.

I'm not?

Well, you know,
a lot of people
don't have family, but...

I mean, the main thing is,
even though you don't have
blood relatives,

you know, you still have us.

That's true.

And just think of us
as your family.

Do you think of me
as your family?

Sure.

Do you love me?

You're a nice guy.

Gee, Dick, thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to call my parents.

Don't you mean
our parents?

I can't believe I'm going to
spend three days in this
godforsaken place

with nothing to do.

There must be
something to do.

Haven't they got any games?

Uh, I've got a deck of cards
I use for playing solitaire

but that would
only give one person
something to do.

Why don't you
get them anyway?

(KIRK SHIVERING)

Here are the decorations
and there are plenty more
where these came from.

Come on, let's get with it!
This is the season
to be jolly.

Okay, you're down
about not being
able to ski,

but I've got my woman,
I'm feeling good,

and you're not
going to spoil it, okay?

So let's get into the spirit
and start decorating
this tree.

Maybe he's
got a point.

Might as well.
We've got nothing
better to do.

Okay, now,
who wants to be
the first to hang a crab?

No, no, no. You've got
all the alligators
bunched together.

Mix them in with
some postcards.

Come on! We're trying
to make this nice.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I always thought
lobsters were
more Christmassy,

but if crabs are
the only thing you've got...

Hey, don't knock it, Dick.
It took their minds
off the weather.

Hey, check this out.

We can light the tree
with all these
little pocket flashlights.

You've thought of
everything.

Yeah.

Want to hang
a gator?

Excuse me.
Mr. Loudon?

Can I see you
for a minute?

Sure.

What is it?
I know this is a bad time,

and you and Mrs. Loudon
have been so nice.

I'd hate to take advantage,

but I think my wife is
about to have the baby.

Now? You just
checked in.

Sorry.

I thought you said
she wasn't due for
another two weeks.

Well, she's trying not to,
but we're pretty sure
that this is it.

All right, don't panic.
Just stay calm.

Joanna!

What's the matter?
Nothing. Everything is fine.

What is it?
We need your help.
It's an emergency.

Everything is fine.
What's going on?

My wife is about
to have the baby.

I thought she wasn't due
for two weeks.

Merry Christmas.
Oh! Oh, my God!

All right, now,
don't panic.
Just stay calm.

All right,
you're the woman.
What do we do?

We call a doctor.

The roads are all closed.
No one can get through.

Then you're going
to have to do it.
Do what?

Deliver the baby.
Can you deliver
a baby?

Of course
I can't.

All right.
Everyone? Um...

I know this may
sound crazy, but...

Would any of you
be a doctor?

Kirk!

Sorry. Reflex.

All of you are doctors?

Yeah. It's a doctor
ski club. Why?

This man's wife is
about to have a baby.

Great! Something to do!

What time is it?

Almost 4:00.

When we talked
about Christmas in Vermont,

I never dreamed
we'd be spending it
like this.

Hey, there are a couple more
omelets out there
if anyone wants them.

George, how can you
still be eating omelets
left over from last night?

It's pretty good
once you pick out
the chunks of ham.

Pick a card.

I'm too tired, Kirk.

Pick a card, Dick.

Okay, I'll pick one
for you.

What is it?

Ten of clubs.

Okay.

Put it back
anywhere in the deck.

There's your card.

That is the dumbest card trick
I have ever seen.

It's the only one I know.

I'd like to
see that again.

Hey, everybody!
Guess what?

Your wife had the baby.
You've got it.

What is it?
It's a Tammy.

JOANNA: Congratulations!
You must be so happy.

How's your wife?

She's fine.
She wanted me to
thank all of you.

Let's face it,
this could have
been a real disaster.

We could have been
out on that road
for who knows how long.

Instead we found
this inn and you
and 24 attending physicians.

It's incredible!
I wish I had some
cigars to pass out.

I've got some
over at the cafe.

You've done
enough already.

Can't argue
with that.

Listen,
I'd better get back up
and be with my wife.

I just wanted to come
and thank you again.

The minute the baby's ready,
I'll bring her down
so you can see her.

Good!
We can't wait.

Oh, this is
a wonderful moment,
isn't it, Dick?

Yes, it is,
George.

What a night.

You know something?
I'm glad I didn't miss it.

You know,

this may not have been
exactly what we planned,

but when you
talk about authentic
old-fashioned Christmases,

this is about as close
as you're going to get.

You know what
I'd like to do
right now?

I'd like to turn off
all the lights except the ones
on the Christmas tree.

I'll do it.

GEORGE: It's funny.

All of a sudden,
it looks kind of pretty.

DICK: You know?
It does, at that.

KIRK: ? I made
a Christmas wish today

? Let me find a chick
in Santa's sleigh ?

(SIGHING)

There's your card.

One more time.

Honey?

Merry Christmas.

What is it?
I saved you
a slice of ham.

And all I got for you
were diamond earrings.

Excuse me. Hi.

My car is stuck
in the snow about
a half a mile from here.

I wonder if you could
maybe tell me

if I might call somebody
who could help me out.

Well, there's
a 24-hour towing service.

Let me call them for you.
Oh, great.
Thanks a million. Thank you.

What's your name?
Allen Wiseman.

My two brothers
are still in the car.