All language subtitles for An.Evening.with.Beverly.Luff.Linn.2018.720p.BluRay.x264-EiDER

Tyrone, what blend
is that bag?

Winter. Oh, shit.
Sorry, Shane.

Please, pay better attention.

It's just, we never had
a mid-winter blend before

and it's like,
"Why? And who cares?"

I can't think
about that, Tyrone

and neither should you.

Good morning, Lulu.

Good morning, Carl.

Hey, Lulu, check this out.

Are you breakdancing, Carl?

Yes, it's body-popping.

Guys! No dancing.
Get back to work.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

May I have
a large cappuccino, please?

Here you go, sir.
One large cappuccino.

Thank you. Is Mr Danger here?

Yeah, hang on a second.

Hi. Shane Danger. Manager.

Mr Danger, I'm Barry Ofeld,

with Human Resources,
from our corporate office.

Is there somewhere
we can speak in private?

The reason for my visit

is the company
is in the process

of scaling back operations.

This means
making across-the-board

personnel cuts, Mr Danger.

Oh.

Unfortunately,
we must ask you to relieve

one of your employees
of their responsibilities.

I will leave that
to your discretion

but we'd like this to
happen immediately, Mr Danger.

Do you have any questions?

No, I don't think so.

Times are tough, Mr Danger.
Better one of them than you.

Good point.

Not a very good cappuccino.

If you'll excuse me.

That guy was
checking you out, Lulu.

No, I was
checking him out, Carl.

It wasn't that funny, Carl.

Lulu, if you could see me
in my office?

Certainly.

I'm sorry, there was nothing
I could do about it.

You can stop going on
about it.

I don't care about the job.

Oh, someone told me today

what they were building
behind the hardware centre.

Oh, but I can't remember
what it was.

Oh, I remember now.

They're putting in a state-of-the-art
fitness centre

behind the hardware centre.

Might have to get my gym back on.

Thanks, sweetie.

Now I have to find my way
to bed in the dark.

Sweetie,

five dollars for fun.

Why don't you enjoy yourself
and buy one of those

cinnamon swirly things

you like so much
from the bakeshop?

I will see you later,
won't I, sweetie?

Kinda does feel
like a morgue with Lulu gone.

She was fun.

Yeah, well,
she got fired, Carl.

Times are tough.

We have jobs to do,
and this is what happens

when you don't do your job.

So, we have
our first casualty, guys.

Might not be our last.

Are you going to have problems
with your marriage

now you fired
your wife, Shane?

No, I'm not
going to have problems

with my marriage now, Tyrone.

I have a tremendous marriage.

In fact, Lulu is relieved
not to be working.

Well,
I got problems, Shane.

My mom just got diabetes.

I have to buy her a little
scooter to get her around,

but I don't have no money.

I'm sorry about that,
but you have to save, Tyrone.

I save everything I can,

and I think positive
all the time.

Okay, I have to take a shit.

Can you guys man the shop
for 25 minutes?

Sure.

Who shits for 25 minutes?

Hey, nearly birthday girl.
Can I make you a cappuccino?

Oh, I used to
make cappuccinos.

Sweetie, Mr Ofeld said,

"Either the both of you go,
or just the girl."

"The girl's gonna go
anyway though,"

so I chose to stay so at least
one of us has a job.

You seem sad.

Yeah, well, this TV
is really shitty, you know?

That's what I want
for my birthday.

A new bigger, better TV,

so I can sit
in front of it all day

untill my ass gets
so fat and flat

we have to get a new couch.

Don't say that.

Plus, we don't have
that kind of money right now.

Not until I become
area manager,

which I think
is gonna happen, by the way.

Now that's a real cappuccino.

Maybe I should ask my brother
for a new TV.

He's got that kind of money
in his cash box.

Who, Adjay?
Yeah, right.

How much money does Adjay have
in his cash box?

More than what you have
in your tiny little cash box.

I don't have
a fucking cash box.

There's no way
that little fucking vegan

has more money than me.

No, he does.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the bath.

An evening with Beverley Luff Linn

for one magical night only.

Beverly. Beverly Luff Linn.

Is that you, sweetie?

Yes.

Sweetie,
exactly how much money

is in Adjay's cash box?

A lot.

Sweetie, I don't understand

how Adjay has got
all this fucking money.

He saves.

So do fucking I.

Well, Adjay saves
more than fucking you.

Okay, do we all know
what we're doing?

I'm staying in the car.

I'm walking in
with you, Shane,

and asking a guy to take me
to the Grains of Paradise.

And he will take you
to the back of the store,

to the spice aisle.

Yes, he will.

And you will keep him there
as long as possible.

Yes, I will.

Let's do this.

How may I help you, gentlemen?

Take me
to the Grains of Paradise.

Wow, your face
is very shiny, man.

Yeah, my family has thyroid.

I will take you to
the Grains of Paradise, come.

This is
the highest grade.

This is the best
Grains of Paradise.

Okay, yes?

You don't look well, man.

Where is your friend,
by the way?

Oh, he's just
at the front of the store,

looking for a couple of items.

How many kinds are there?

This is the cheaper.

This is the cheaper
Grains of Paradise?

Hey! What the fuck
are you doing, man?

Are you trying to rob me, man?

What the fuck is going on?

Shane? Is that you?

Adjay?

What the fuck, Shane?

Are you seriously trying
to rob me?

No. Are you fucking crazy?

Okay. Now, Tyrone, run! Go!

Carl, drive!

Miss?

Cinnamon bullshit.

Who is this
fucking Shane Danger?

He's my fucking
brother-in-law.

He shot a fucking hole
in your ceiling.

Yes, and then he ran off
with my fucking cash box

with my fucking savings.

You think?

Fucking Shane Danger!

That's not even
a fucking real name!

Stupid fucking fucks!

So, this Shane Danger,
he's got some new monies, huh?

Yes.

I'm just rolling through town,

and then I hear
you want the monies

back from this Shane Danger.

I can help you do that.

Really? I was gonna talk
to my cousin, Poony.

Forget Cousin Poony.
This is what I do.

Tell me more.

You give me
Shane Danger's address,

I bring you the cash box,

you give me $200.

You must blow out his kneecap.

Yeah. I promise you, I will
blow out both his kneecaps.

Valerie! We need a pen
and a fucking paper!

I need to write Shane Danger's
address down for this man.

Okay, time to open
the glove box, Colin. Yep.

Cash box. Kneecaps.

Are you the party man,
party man?

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Are you going to let
the party man in, Shane?

Sure. Who is he?

- I'm Colin.
- Colin.

Coming in
for a drink, Colin?

Yes, I am.

Why do you always
make that brown shit?

Because it's a fan favourite.

Do you think
Colin will like it?

Kinda looks like a shit shake.

So how do you guys know Colin?

I thought
you knew this guy.

I don't know him.

You told me to
invite him in for a drink.

You don't have to do
what I say.

Who the fuck is this guy?

Colin? Who the fuck are you?

You stole the cash box
from Adjay,

now Adjay wants
his monies back!

So pull out the cash box
from behind the couch!

Now, before I blow out
these kneecaps!

Colin, grab the cash box.

Grab the fucking cash box!
Grab it!

- Now give me the gun.
- That ain't gonna happen.

Now, let's go. Go! Move!

Faster! Get... Get my coat!

- Is that your car?
- Yes, it is.

Good, get in! Get in!

Drive!

Lulu! Where are you going?
Come back here, sweetie!

She's gone, Shane, and she's
taken the fucking money!

Oh, really, Tyrone?
'Cause I wasn't here.

Tell me what else
fucking happened!

Are we taking the cash box
to Adjay?

- No! We're not.
- No.

And I will be asking
the questions now.

Okay.

We're going
on an adventure, Colin.

Do you like adventures?

I do. Adventures, I like them.

- Do you promise?
- I like adventures, yeah.

Good.

Are you a good guy
or a bad guy?

I'm a good guy.

Good.

Good evening, my name is Lawrence.
Welcome to the Moorhouse Hotel.

Thank you, Lawrence.
We would like a room.

Oh, that looks fun.
Is Mr Lufflinn staying here too?

It's Luff Linn. Two words.

Oh, and we'll need a room
with two twins' beds, please.

Is it two twins' beds,

or two twins bed, or is it two twin bed?

I'm not really sure about that
kind of thing, it's not...

Perhaps we should ask Mr Beverly?

Oh, lookie here,
it looks like you're in lucky.

- Is breakfast included?
- We'll take it.

Wonderful. Key time.

Magical event. Magical Luff Linn.

Okay, well, this is my kind
of hotel room.

You take that bed.

Okay.

Colin, do you think you could
give me a massage?

Yes.

I can do that.

- Like this?
- Mmm-hmm.

- How's this?
- Mmm-hmm.

- And this?
- Mmm-hmm.

I needed to get away from my husband.

Aren't you worried
about people coming after us?

Adjay must be very upset and angry.

Adjay would never come after us.

He's had terrifying panic attacks
since we were children,

because he choked on
too much breast milk as a baby.

I didn't know that was a possibility.

Choking on breast milk?

Choking on too much breast milk.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, that's enough. Thank you.

Colin, I need you to protect me, okay?
Can you handle that?

Yes, I can do that.

Are you sure you don't have
any other commitments?

No, I don't have any other commitments.

In fact, putting myself in harm's way

for the benefit of others
is exactly what I do.

Good.

I'm going to take a bath.

Why don't you watch...

TV?

Here comes din-dins.

You buckled up?

Hmmmm!

Right, let's try and find this hotel

that apparently no one knows
the name of.

Hmmm!

Have you heard anything from Lulu?

I haven't heard anything.

Hello, Shane. Do you have my money?

No, Adjay. Have you talked to Colin?

Colin is a double-crossing shit!

Well, my wife
and your money are with him,

so you might want to track him down.

Track him down, Shane?
I'm a fucking vegan!

I'm coming every day
until you find my fucking money.

Did you hear me, you fat loser?

Adjay, please leave!
You're causing a disturbance! Now!

I will leave,
and then I will come back again

for my fucking M-O-N-E-Y!

Wow.

Why has my wife run off
with a fucking criminal?

Maybe she was
sexually attracted to him?

I've definitely read women
are attracted to mens with guns.

"Mens"?

Yeah, the gun is like a penis.

Yeah, the male penis.

Why are we buying all these outfits?

Because I need outfits, Colin.

I'm going to be honest with you.

Although I don't know
quite what's going on,

I'm having a great time, Lulu.

And...

And you nailed it
with these cheesy onion rings. Mmm.

Listen, there is an event
tomorrow night at the hotel.

We're going to it, okay?

An event?

Do you remember
the man in the plaid hat,

from the large man-shaped poster
near the hotel reception?

Mr Beverly? Beverly is a woman's name.

No. I don't think so.

It is. It's a Scottish woman's name.

- Beverly is a man's name.
- It's a very feminine name.

No, it isn't, Colin.
It's a very masculine name.

I went to school
with a girl called Beverly.

No, Colin. Beverly is a man's name.

Beverly is a woman's name.

No, Colin.
Beverly is a man's name.

Okay.

Oh, my goodness. Mmm.

Yeah. This is so indulgent.

I'm gonna need to do
some exercise after this.

Can you please
wipe your mouth?

It's absolutely disgusting.

What are you doing? Don't do that.
Just get the stuff out of the back.

I believe we have
a junior suite on reservation?

Yes, we have you
in our Loch Lomond suite,

with a balcony and a pool view.

Would you like me to keep
the reservation charges

under Von Donschlonger?

- It's Von Donkensteiger.
- Is that German?

Yes. Actually, my father
was a German Shepherd.

He looked quite like you.

You mean, like the dog?

Yeah, like the woof-woof.

Hmmm! Hm.

We are very excited for

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn,
for one magical night only.

Hmm.

You look more like a dog
than a dog does.

No.

One of those jets is shooting water
up the back of my shorts.

It's quite a delicious feeling.

Let's go downstairs.

Good evening, I'm the Captain.
What can I get you folks?

I would like a Rumble in the Heather.

And I'll have a Rum and a Ramble.

Coming up.

You know,
those might have poo on them.

You don't want to get poo
in your mouth, do you?

Oh, no. No, we're not eating
these poo nuts.

Here you go, ma'am. Here's your drink.
And here you go, sir.

Thank you, Captain, and, uh,
let's get some fresh nuts, huh?

Poo nuts.
You know what I'm talking about.

And here's my nuts.

I feel like
we've been on the go for days

and we haven't had any time
to just sit and catch up.

Well, I'm really glad
that we're getting to catch up,

but we're not really on the go,
we're on the run.

Your brother's after us,
and I wouldn't be surprised

if he kills me,
but I think you will be fine.

You know, you can be
really depressing sometimes.

I don't find myself depressing.

- Here's to not being depressing.
- I don't think I am depressing.

Here comes Mr Beverly.

He makes you nervous, doesn't he?

And he's with his bearded friend,
and they're coming this way.

What a lovely evening, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, uh, Colin.

- Rodney.
- Rodney, this is Lulu.

Mr Rodney,
I believe your booth is ready.

- Can you come with me, please?
- Absolutely.

He's not very chatty, is he, Mr Beverly?

You know, I feel like
I don't know anything about you, Colin.

Why don't you tell me something?

Why don't you tell me
the story of Colin?

You better settle in because
it's a long and interesting tale.

Okay.

So, my father's name was Keith,
and his father was also called Keith,

uh, so that's two generations
of Keiths in my family,

so it's a bit of a tradition.

And my father had an Uncle Colin,
who he loved very much,

and he loved the name Colin,

and he wanted
to be called Colin himself.

In fact, sometimes he would
introduce himself to people

calling himself Colin as a joke.

Anyway, he looked up the name Colin,

and it meant "small young dog".

And so, when I was born,

he thought,
"He looks like a small young dog."

And he named me Colin
because I was born with teeth.

What?

That's it?

That is by far the most
uninteresting story I have ever heard.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

We should go sit with them.
Come on.

Let's go.

Oh, do you mind if we join you?

We haven't properly met yet, Mr Beverly.

It's Mr Luff Linn, and it's two words.

Luff Linn.

Beverly, this is Colin and this is Lulu.

Beverly and I are partners.

Ah. You are... You're partners. Ah.

It's a platonic union.

That sounds nice.

Is it nice?

Yes. I mean, it's difficult to describe,

but let's just say that
we love each other very much.

Colin and I are married.

How long
have you been married for?

Two months.

Funny, isn't it?

You come into a shithole town
in the middle of nowhere, like this,

and suddenly
everything is very difficult.

I have to buy Beverly this tea
that he loves, the Earl Grey.

I'm sure you haven't heard of it.

So, I went
into the local village this morning,

and I gotta say, it was a real struggle,

but eventually I found it,

and, uh, Beverly has the satisfaction
of getting the tea that he loves,

and I have the satisfaction
of being the one who got it for him.

Are you going to put an earring
back in that hole?

Hmm?

Yes.

Do excuse us.

You should put an earring
back in that hole.

You should do what they say.

Let it out and play.

Come on, Bev.

That's it, let it out.

Let that devil out.

There she blows, there she blows.

You look tired, Shane.

I hit the bottle last night.

Me too. Brenda finally kicked me out.

Isn't Brenda your cousin?

Yeah, I don't think she's attracted
to me any more 'cause I got fat.

Oh, I thought you were always fat.

No, I used to be skinny.

I think it's great
that you're dating your cousin, Tyrone.

Thank you, Shane.

What the fuck is that, Carl?

It's a poster. Some bearded guy
dropped it off last night.

Bearded guy?

Yeah, he looked like Michael McDonald
from the Doobie Brothers.

Who are the Doobie Brothers?

"Beverly Luff Linn."

It's the same black guy
from the poster at the store,

and that's Lulu with him
in every single photograph.

Yes, Tyrone.

It looks like they are having
a pretty great time together, Shane.

Oh, Tyrone.

Listen to me. This man is in town.

He is having an event
at the Moorhouse Hotel.

I don't know what this event is,
but Lulu has gone missing.

Tyrone...

We need to go to the hotel.
Immediately. To see if she is there.

Yes, we do, Shane.

We need to go to the hotel immediately
to see if she is there.

Immediately.

- Immediately.
- Immediately.

Immediately.

Immediately.

Immediately.

- Immediately.
- Immediately.

Immediately.

Good evening. My name is Lawrence.
Welcome to the Moorhouse Hotel.

That man there, is he here in the hotel?

I need to see him.
I must speak with him. It's urgent.

Sir, you are more than welcome to wait
in our Captain's Lounge.

Is the Captain in his lounge?

No, the Captain is not
in his fucking lounge!

Mmm.

I love cold beer!

I get you cold beer!

I love cold beer!

I get you cold beer!

Oh, I love cold beer!

I know, I know. We'll sort it out.

You're late, Tyrone.

What happened? I was worried stiff.

He's there, Shane.

They got a life-sized poster
of him in the lobby.

He's being pushed around in a wheelchair
by the bearded man.

Hello, Shane. You look fat today.

Like I said, I am coming back every day,
and here I am.

Where is my fucking money?

I don't have your money, Adjay,
but do you know this man?

Where the fuck did this come from?

This guy who looked
like Michael McDonald

from the Doobie Brothers dropped it off.

There's a big event happening.

Adjay, I found a box of pictures
of Lulu with this man.

It was hidden in her underwear drawer.

That man is dead.

That man ain't dead. That man is in
a wheelchair at the Moorhouse Hotel.

That man is dead.

That man fucking drowned.

And I want my fucking money,
Shane!

That man ain't dead.

Hello?

Excuse me.

I don't understand.

Wait, there's Rodney.
Ask him what's going on.

I'm going in.

Excuse me, excuse me, Mr Rodney.

Uh... Is everything okay
with Mr Beverly?

Mr Luff Linn just needs
some peace and quiet.

He doesn't need to be disturbed.

Is he dead?

I've no idea. I'm not a doctor.

I just don't understand
why you're so stressed out

about this Mr Beverly event.

I realise you don't understand,
but the thing is, I do understand.

Okay then. You know what?

I'm going out,
and I'm gonna feast on snacks.

Good! I hope you feast on snacks and
you get so fat that your pants split!

Oh, you would love it
if my pants split!

I would!

I see you're writing again.

Come on, I'll run you a bath.

I saw
that dreadful couple downstairs.

They seem pretty pissed off that
the show has been postponed.

Well, well, well.

Um, I think I'm going to have
a bit of a siesta now.

Hmmm!

You really should start writing again.

You write beautifully.
You have a real way with words.

Hmmm!

Hmmm!

Hmmm!

Yes, I will make sure that she gets it.

I just saw Mr Beverly.

And he looked fine,
exceptionally healthy in fact.

And I saw magical event posters
all over town.

What are you thinking about?

Because I'll tell you
what I'm thinking about.

I'm thinking about how I met
your fat brother in the laundromat,

and I was promised to be paid $200,

of which I have received nothing!

I'm a professional!
I make things happen!

And now what do I do?

I'm just protecting you so that you can
see Mr Beverly and his magic event.

And I haven't even mentioned his fat,
bearded, chipmunk-faced piggy partner,

who needs a punch right in his
tightly-packed, poo-filled anus hole.

I'll pay you the $200, okay?

No, no, no, it's not about that.
It's not about the money. Oh, no!

It's not about the money!

Now Colin has opened his big hairy trap,
and Lulu hates him!

Colin.

I have an idea.

How about the two of us go out for
an old-fashioned night on the town?

What do you say?

I'd really like that.

Let's paint the town, Colin.

Oh, I need to go to the toilet.

Okay.

Oh, my God, why are you here?

I found this box
in your underwear drawer,

with all these pictures
of you and the Luff Linn poster man.

Is this why you're here?

Let go of me!

Is he still alive?
Because I heard he was dead!

Get off of me.

Security, this man is accosting me!
Security! Security!

Ow! My fucking ear, you fat fuck!

Who the fuck
is Beverly Luff Linn?

Oh, shit! What happened, Shane?

Got kicked in the stomach.

I gotta go get my mom from the clinic.

That's fine, just drive.

Did you get kicked hard?

I should've blown out his kneecaps.

I'm very protective.

You put your earring back in,
didn't you?

Oh, yes. Yeah, I did.

The mystery of Colin is deepening.

Go deeper, if you dare.

May I indulge you in a childhood story?

Give it to me, Colin.

My Grandmother Eileen
used to have these hard candies

that were dusted in icing sugar.
They were a real treat to be had.

Now I'm getting to the major part
of the story.

When I was a little boy,
I didn't like to, uh...

Do poo-poos inside,

so I would march
into the wood for hours,

just waiting until I had to go,
you know...

And I would just do it
right there in the woods,

or I would do it on a rock,

or I would, um, dig a little hole
and cover it with leaves,

but it's not the way that
we want little boys to go potty, is it?

No, it is not.

So, my grandmother, very cleverly,
decided to give me these candies,

which I was crazy about, whenever...

Doo-doos would come out indoors.

So, whenever I went poopy inside,

I would run down the hallway, yelling,

"Grammy, Grammy, come and look in
the bowl! Come and look in the bowl!"

And then we would
all gather around the bowl

and just look inside
and count the doo-doos, and guess what?

What?

She would give me a piece of candy

for every piece of poo-poo
that I would produce.

One time,
I got 14 pieces of candy.

Grammy passed away some time ago.

She was hit in the back of her head
with a hammer.

Okay, enough stories. It's time.
I'm gonna lay it on the line.

Lulu, I may be
a great deal younger than you,

but I think you are the most beautiful,

most interesting woman
that I have ever met.

And, yes, I know
everybody else thinks that too,

but I need to know...

And please be honest with me.
I need to know...

If any part of you is attracted
to any part of me.

This is so unexpected.

That's okay, you don't have to
answer immediately.

Look, I'm just in a very emotional place
right now, you know?

I just left my husband, and I have
this event tomorrow night.

Colin! Colin! Colin! Colin! Colin!

Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

Crabs.

Yummy!

I had tickets to the magical Luff Linn,

but I heard he had been
delayed 24 hours.

What makes the Luff Linn so magical,
Mrs Paris?

Psst. Miss Lulu.

Yes?

I have this for you.

Thank you.

Good evening.

What did Mr Lawrence want?

He was just making sure
you were protecting me.

I am.

I'm gonna go get ready for bed.

Hmmm!

Hmm?

Is this our song?

Lord, this brings back memories.

Endless nights in the Lamb and Lily.

First time I saw you.

And you looked very smart
with your orange hat.

Hmmm!

Right. Tea and bed, Bev.

You look relaxed, Colin.

Yeah, I'm just reading about Palominos.

They're a very sought-after
parade horse.

Very pretty horse, I must say.

Well, I'm wiped.

Good night.

Would you like me to read you
a couple of paragraphs?

No, thanks.

There we go.

You look surprised.
You expecting somebody else?

No.

No? Good. Because there will be
nobody else performing here tonight.

The show's over.

Yes.

Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

No. Oh, God, no.

I'm sorry, I must have gotten
in the wrong bed.

I like you in my bed, it's fine.

- No. No, it's not fine.
- It's fine. I like you in my bed.

No, Colin, it's not fine. I'm sorry.

Actually, Colin, I have my period.

Can you run to the drug store and
get me some heavy flow tampons?

The green box. It's an emergency.

I'm going as fast as I can.

- Good morning, Lawrence.
- Good morning, Miss Lulu.

Can you please see
that this gets to Mr Luff Linn?

It must be delivered to him

when his male bearded partner
is not present. Is that clear?

He will receive the message right away.

- Thank you.
- Ta-ta.

Skinny little pig.

Strong coffee, Bev.
This should wake you up.

Hmmm.

I had to haul a special someone

all the way from the armchair
to the queen-sized bed last night.

Hmmm.

Now, this may look like a lot of food,

but you should eat all of it.

Hmmm.

I'm just concerned about your health.
I'm not badgering.

Good morning to you both.

My name is Kennedy Gordon.
I am the manager of the Moorhouse Hotel.

It is a pleasure
finally having you stay with us.

Hmmm.

I also wanted to check in with you

regarding our evening
with Beverly Luff Linn,

and whether we're all set
for this evening.

Yes, at this precise moment,
I would say we're all set

for this evening's performance.
Isn't that right, Bev?

Hmm.

Oh, and Lawrence asked me to give you
this letter in private, Mr Luff Linn.

What...

Um...
Please enjoy your breakfast!

Should we open it?

So, I get up at 1:00 a.m.
to see you alone, finally,

and you send
your creepy bearded partner. Why?

Anything interesting?

Hmmm.

Right, when you finish that steak,

those eggs, that steak on that plate
with those eggs,

the orange, if you want,
and there's a boiled egg there,

the toast, and I want you to have
the jam with the toast.

We're gonna hit the fitness centre
and loosen your hips for this evening.

Hmmmm!

You're in great shape,
but your pelvis is kinked.

I got them. I had to go
to three different stores to get them.

The first store said
they wouldn't have them in for a month,

and I said, "That's no use. It's a
monthly cycle," and the second store...

Listen to me, you little bitch.
We got your note.

I told you to back off.

You shouldn't speak to a lady
like that, Mr Rodney.

Shut up. This is your final warning.

What? Are you gonna
chew me out now too?

How about you?

Drive!

I just witnessed two male suspicious
figures driving a blue sports coupé.

They were wearing wigs,
and when I noticed them, they sped off.

That'll be Shane and Tyrone.

Colin, do you think
you could give me a massage?

Yes, I can.

You're getting really good
at this, Colin.

Then you won't mind me telling you that

I saw Mr Beverly
in the fitness centre exercising,

and I pulled the finger at him.

What? Colin, why would you do that?

Look, I don't need you
causing any more trouble

than there already is, okay? Please.

I'm going for a walk.

You will always be alone, Colin,
with that big hairy trap of yours!

Why is it so hairy?

Would you like to come with me?

I would like that.

And thank you for the tampons.

It was a pleasure to buy your tampons.

Ooh.

Good afternoon.
Yes, this is Lawrence, Mr Gordon.

I have Mr Rodney here,
Mr Beverly Luff Linn's partner.

Apparently, they would like
to delay the event

for another 24 hours. Yes. Okay.

Thank you very much.

- Well?
- Mr Gordon will be here very shortly.

Good day, Mr Rodney.
Lovely to see you again.

Now, we have a full hotel of guests
anxiously awaiting

an evening with Beverly Luff Linn,
for one magical night only.

And I am happy to accommodate
your request for another 24 hours,

but...

I'm afraid there can be
no further delays after that.

Am I being clear, Mr Rodney?

Yes, you're being clear.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Wonderful.

It's open!

- It's her.
- Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I have to say, when Beverly Luff Linn
said he had taken up with a man,

you are not what I expected.

What, are you from Scotland?

I met Beverly while I was studying
embroidery in Aberdeen.

I don't give one, or two, or 17 fucks
what you were studying

in Aberdeen or Edinburgh

or the Orkney Islands,
ya fucking bushy bearded cunt!

I only pursued your request

because that skinny little pig
ended our marriage,

and I wanted to see her in the flesh.

It's supposed to offer closure.

I see.

How'd you get my number?

Beverly gave it to me,

during one of our more
marinated sessions in the Lamb and Lily.

He was suffering from acute depression.

He said if ever he was in trouble,
I had to contact you.

Please don't contact me again.

Ever again!

Adjay, I've got good news.

That guy Colin is
at the Moorhouse Hotel with Lulu.

They should have your money.

So?

So, you should go there,
to the Moorhouse Hotel.

There is something
you are not getting, Shane.

It seems I was correct
to bring Edwin. Edwin!

I hear you have a back room.
Can you take me there?

Sure, Edwin.

And I want
my fucking money, Shane!

What happened to your face, Shane?

Edwin happened to my face,
you big fat penis face.

I wonder why they postponed it again.

Can we please stop discussing it?

How are we doing over here?

Oh, uh, I'll have the usual.
Thanks, Captain.

And for you, ma'am?

No, thank you.

I'm not feeling so well,
so I'm going to go to my room.

Maybe you're thirsty, or hungry,
dehydrated or low blood sugar.

My God, Colin, I just left my husband.
Do you even remember that?

I've been holed up in this hotel
for days because I'm desperate to see

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn,
for one magical night only,

and I don't know
if that's ever gonna happen.

And for some insane reason,
I'm being called a little bitch

by Beverly's fat, disgusting,
creepy partner,

with his little chipmunk body

shoved into his pants,
with his little fat legs.

So, no, I'm not feeling
very thirsty or hungry, okay?

Okay.

She's having her period.

Oh, dear.

I had to go to three stores
to get green tampons.

Rum and a Ramble for you, sir.

You have beautiful hands.

These two stupid, fat hands?

I'm Paulette.

Nice to meet you, Paulette. I'm Colin.

So, it's a bit of a tradition
in my family

for the men to be named Keith,

but my father just loved the name Colin,

and so it came to pass
that he named me, his only son...

Colin.

Colin Keith Threadener,

so the Keith is still in there.

Yeah, he was
a bit of a rebel, my father.

You could fill me
with your stories all night long.

Mmm.

Well, it's really nice to hear that
at a time like this.

Colin.

Paulette.

Is there some place we can be alone?

That was beautiful.

I like you, Paulette.

Eh, that's good, sweetie,
that's good.

Now... Uh-huh.

Really good, really good.

Now, that's gonna cost you 50 bucks.

She usually charges $80,

but she said I could pay $50,

and we ended up
settling with me only paying $37.

- So, you had sex with a prostitute?
- Yes.

We went all the way.

All the way up there, as they say.

Ugh. Well, good for you, Colin.

Good night

I was a virgin, and now I'm not.

I understand that.
I'm letting them know right now.

Valerie! You have to load the equipment

through the service entrance,
not the main entrance!

I don't know
where the fucking service entrance is!

I need you to follow the signs, Valerie!

I can't hold your hand through this,
as much as you might like me to!

Let's get this baby seal out of bed.

Here's your tea.

- Big night tonight. Showtime.
- Hmmm.

Okay, your vaporiser is on,

the sandalwood is infused
with lime and tangerine,

the bath salts are by the tub,

the flexing mat is under the window,

and your breakfast is under the cloche.

Are we magical?

Hmm.

Are you upset that I had sex
with a prostitute last night?

No. Are you going to get out of bed?
Today is the event.

Help! I've slipped
and I've fallen into the pond!

Can anybody hear me?
I'm trapped under the ice!

Who is Beverly Luff Linn?

Help! I'm trapped!
Who is Beverly Luff Linn?

Who is Beverly Luff Linn? Who is...

He was a poet.

Okay?

He was my professor.

We were a couple,

and we were passionately in love.

One spring, he took me
to the exotic island of Prami.

There was a bird sanctuary there,
and we had the best time.

All we would do is hold hands
and sing to the birds.

These funny little birds
with flat heads...

Do you know those kinds of birds?

- No.
- They're beautiful.

It was heaven.

But on the last day, he said,

"Lulu, I'm going to take you
to a secret cove."

We went there,

and he swam ahead of me,
out to this point,

and I remember he looked back,

waved at me, and then plunged
deep beneath the surface.

And I tried to catch up to him.
I swam so fast,

but he never came up,

and I couldn't find him.

So I went back to the hotel,
and our friend Cornelius was there.

I remember crying in Cornelius' arms

when they told me that he was dead.

Drowned...

Probably eaten by sharks.

Why didn't you tell me
all this before?

Because I've never told anyone before,

except for Adjay,

but he's not interested
unless it's vegan.

I've never been in love.
At least, not until I met you.

But not the kind that you're
talking about, where it's mutual.

Are you still in love with him?

Are you going to get out of bed, Colin?

Are you going to answer
the question, Lulu?

No, because I'm brushing my hair.

Uh, Mr Rodney Luff Linn?

It's actually Rodney Von Donkensteiger,
but Luff Linn will do.

Uh, Mitch Stemp, events coordinator.

Nice to meet you, Mitch.

I just want to let you know that
everything is moving along smoothly,

and I would like to lock the set
by 2:00 p.m. today,

if that's okay. If that works for you
and Mr Luff Linn.

Yeah, that's fine.

Uh, I just want to confirm

that, uh, Mr Luff Linn will enter
from stage left along this line,

and then he will end up in his chair
to the right of your good self.

Then he'll sort of, like, go...

No, I get it, you don't have to
explain it. Okay.

Great.

Great.

Oh. Am I looking forward to the event.

It will be magical.

Beverly, I want you to look at me.

You and I both know
why you chose to hold this event

in this shitbox dickhole hotel.

I know you know what I'm talking about,

but I need to tell you
that I love you deeply.

You're the man of my dreams,

and we can survive whatever this is.

For tonight, the event will be magical.

A magical, magical night with
my magical, magical Beverly.

And now, I'm going to make you some tea,

and it will be magical.

Hmmm.

Is that really what you're wearing?

You chose these clothes for me.

Well, I think you should wear a tie.

You said I looked good.
I don't have a tie.

Can't you just find a tie somewhere?

I think you should calm down.

Well, I really think we should
just get down there, okay?

The event doesn't start for an hour.

Why does everyone always have to get
so stressed out all the time?

Because I want to get good seats!

Yeah, I know you want to get good seats,

because you want to see Mr Beverly
and his partner with his magical beard

do whatever they do
in their magical event.

Yes, I do want to see that.

What's so magical
about this magical event anyway?

I don't know, but whatever it is,
it will probably change your life.

He is by far the most brilliant man
I have ever met.

Well, that sounds like I've won
the golden ticket, doesn't it?

To the most spectacular evening
of whatever the fuck this is,

provided to you by the man
who shat all over you in the ocean.

Sorry, that's the first time
I've said the words "fuck" and "shat"

in a long time,
and they are horrible words.

Well, good for you.

I'm going downstairs,
and I'm going to get us front-row seats!

Happy birthday, Lulu.

- What time is it?
- 6:50.

Okay. Do we all know what we're doing?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Then let's fucking do it!

Let's fucking do it!

Good luck, everyone.

Good evening.
Please sit wherever you like.

Ah, good evening, Miss Lulu.

I truly hope you enjoy tonight's show.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening.

My name's Kennedy Gordon.
I am the manager of the Moorhouse Hotel.

Well, after some delays,
I am beyond thrilled

to be standing here
introducing this evening's event.

For many of us, this will be
a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

So, please, let's just meditate
on every moment.

Okay...

Welcome to

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn,

for one magical night only!

Hmmm!

Thank you. Please, sit.

When I first moved to Aberdeen,

this next piece became my shepherd.

It guided me away from the shame
that had trotted up inside me.

I'm sure a lot of you
felt the same way I did

on those misty moors of Aberdeenshire.

This next song is about the ocean,

and what it means to be alone.

Specifically, in Aberdeenshire.

My real name is Edmund Summers.

I loved someone once.

I loved her with every waking moment,

and then I left her.

I have a great friend

who loves me very much.

He's up on the stage with me tonight.

Rodney, you're my best friend.

You look after me, you care for me,

and I do love you, Rodney.

But I'm not in love with you, Rodney.

I left my love with someone else,

and I don't know
if she will ever have me back.

She's the reason I'm here.

Happy birthday, Lulu.

I'd like to dedicate
this next song to you.

It's called...

Hmmm! Hmm!

Wait a second!

That's my wife!

And it's her birthday,

and I want to give her a fucking cake.

Happy birthday, sweetie.

I've had enough of this shit.
We're in the middle of a show.

Chipmunk!

Fucking cunts!

Hmmm. Hmm?

- That's it?
- Lulu.

What was that all about?

"I don't know
if she'll ever have me back."

I meant what I said.

I think I did. Maybe I got carried away.

I get so anxious
before these shows, I can't speak.

All I say is... Hmmm!

My stomach hurts, I get gas...

Well, we all get gas,
and then I go up there,

and sometimes I can't remember
a word I say up on that stage.

So, you didn't mean it?

I don't know what I mean any more.

In fact, in this precise moment,

I don't really know
exactly who on Earth I am.

But what about all the love
you left with me?

Hmmm! You see, you see,
I'm doing it again.

Why did you leave me there alone?

When I swam past the point
and I saw that ocean,

I knew I had to keep swimming,

I knew it was the time.

I know it sounds corny,
but something was calling me out there.

I had to keep swimming.

But where did you go?

I swam around the corner,
I hid behind a rock.

What?

Then that guy Cornelius,
remember him from the hotel?

Yes.

Well, he was in on it.

He got me off the island.

I think I paid him 80 bucks to help me.

You big witch.

Who is this guy?

You're a big witch.

Are you just gonna poo on her again
like you did last time?

Colin, stay out of this.

No, I will not stay out of this.

I've had to put up
with Beverly Luff Linn

and his shit event for the past week

because the woman I am in love with
is in love with him.

So, no, I will not stay out of this.

You have no idea, Edmund,
how lucky you are

to even have the possibility
of loving this special woman.

Oh.

I know all too well how special she is.

Meine Kleine Lubird.

Do you know what it feels like
when you simply don't belong?

Yes.

Edmund, wait!

Someone drinking a Rum and a Ramble?

Uh, well, let's see.
Yeah, it would appear so.

And how is it?

It's as creamy and delicious
as the last time.

Can I join you?

Captain, I'll have
two A Rumble in the Heather.

Absolutely, Miss Lulu.

And two more Rum and a Rambles for me,
thanks, Captain.

Going out with a bang
at the Moorhouse Hotel?

I'm driving out in the morning.

Where are you going?

Colin would rather that remain
top secret, thank you.

Well, Lulu would like Colin to tell her.

You don't have access
to that information.

You should know
that Edmund was my first love.

You can have other loves.

Two Rumbles and a Heather.

And two large Rum and a Ramble.

I love this song.

Don't you love this song?

I'm not familiar with it.

But do you love it?

It's all right.

But don't you love it?

Do you want to dance?

It's been a long time.
My moves are rusty.

It's okay, mine are too.

You know what I was thinking?

Every girl needs a Colin, Colin.

Be right back.

Now, Colin. Now's the time.

I love you, Colin.

What did you say?

I think I said I love you.

I love you too, Lulu.

I'll tell you something, Bev.

This young pup will be very keen

to get away from the shitpit dickhole
that was the Moorhouse Hotel.

There's your nibbles.

Nibbles, Bev.

Bev, nibbles.

Nibbles, Bev.

Bev, nibbles.

Bev, nibbles.

Bev, Bev.

Whoa, Bev!

Help! Help! Help! Help!

We've got a death in here!

Help! Help!

- This is a death scene!
- Hmmm!

- Hmmm.
- Oh, my...

Good God, Bev.

You scared the hell out of me.
We all thought you'd died.

Hmmm!

Hmmm!