All language subtitles for American Housewife s04e11_English

As soon as you guys are done,
the kitchen is mine.

I have to have eight lasagnas
by 2:00 p.m.

Where are my oven mitts?

You can use my puppets
if you want, Mrs. A.

Can you French braid my hair
before school today?

Honey, I can't,
but we'll do it tomorrow.

You said that yesterday.

I'm sorry. I'm swamped.

Go upstairs
and grab your backpack.

Hey. I need to talk to you
about something.

No time to talk.

What happened
to my spatula?

Everybody needs to go.

Trip,
take Taylor to school.

Oh, we're actually not
driving together.

Since I'm going to college
next year, Trip and I

are gonna practice being
in a long-distance relationship.

We decided that we're
not gonna see each other
for the next few weeks,

so this is goodbye
for a while.

Taylor: Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ]

Goodbye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

I'll always have you
in here.

And I have you in here,
and I want you out there!

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
Lonnie Spears!

Aah! [ Chuckles ]

Is this Greg's house?

Lonnie Spears
knows your dad's name?

How cool is that?!

Katie, this is what I wanted
to talk to you about.

This is the YouTuber
that I'm ghostwriting
the autobiography for.

[ Distorted ]
It's nice to meet you, Katie.

[ Laughter ]

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

Hey, I forgot my phone charger.
You got one I can use?

Yeah,
there's one by the TV.

Parkour!

Jump!

[ Discordant notes play ]

Why is that idiot
in our house?

Just so you know,

that idiot has
20 million Instagram followers

and is a multi-millionaire.

He's rich?
Mm.

Our kids are idiots, too,
and they're not earning a dime.

Katie, I need material
for this book,

but I can't get Lonnie to talk
about anything substantial.

I brought him here
because I thought

putting him in a calmer
environment might help.

You sell lasagnas,
right?

You ever think about putting
fake eyeballs in it as a prank?

[ Chuckles ]
It would be hilarious.

Your generation
is truly the worst.

Nah, dawg.
We made GIFs.

Greatest generation ever.

Yeet!

Can you please take him
to your office?

We can't work in there
because you've turned it
into your supply closet.

Boxes of tomato paste
on every free surface

do not create
a professional environment.

I can't believe
you're saying that,

because my office is
where everybody hangs out,

and I can't
get anything done.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Oh, my God.

She's doing that thing
with the stairs again.

Could her OCD be back?
[ Sighs ]

Your daughter would make
a cool Boomerang video.

I wouldn't even
need to loop it.

You know that video
you showed me

when you teased that bear
with a Slim Jim?

Uh-huh.

She's the bear.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, did you say anything
to Anna-Kat in the car?

Of course not. You made me
take Lonnie with me to
drop her off at school.

He had her filming him
with his head out the window

so his cheeks flapped
like a dog.

Is she back
to her old behavior?

It might be
a one-time thing, right?

Yeah.

Or she was just doing
a little dance.

Of course.
There's no reason to overreact.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Oh, no.

♪♪

♪♪

I don't know
whether to sit down and cry

or let her have a go
at the junk drawer.

♪♪

Hey, I'm heading
to Sam Beckett's
helicopter christening.

You sure
you don't want to come?

I can't. I'm about to start
my first day at Teen Help Line.

They're putting me
on the phones.

Dude! You should call yourself,
because your life is tragic!

I know.

It's the last place
I want to be.

But it's gonna help me
get into Harvard.

Oh, I've got to go.

Don't sweat it, amigo.

It's helicopter christening
season,

so you can always
catch the next one.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Before we get started,

I want to make sure
you're comfortable.

Well, it is a little chilly
in here.

Mm. I hear you.
You're feeling cold.

We will
get through this.

I can just
put on a sweater.

You seem to have found
a solution.

[ Chuckles ]

Your ability to succeed
is endless.

You have the opposite vibe
of my mom.

Oh.

I just want to warn you,
some of the calls

that you're gonna take
might be a little tough.

You know,
people seem to think

that the kids in Westport
don't have any problems,

but they need
as much guidance and help

as all the other kids
in the world.

Except for
the kids in Denmark.

That's just a country
of happy people.

No one knows why.

I'll just stick
to the script you gave me,

and if things get weird,

I'll put the caller on hold
and find a supervisor.

You did it again.
Came up with your own solution.

[ Chuckles ]

I learn more from you
than you learn from me.

It's starting
to feel that way.

Mm.

[ Telephone rings ]
Ooh. Here we go!

[ Beep ]

Hello?
This is Teen Help Line.

I'm here to listen.
What's on your mind today?

Young man:
Hi. I-I'm really upset.

Okay, well,
maybe if you talk about it,

it won't seem so bad.

Yeah, okay.

I got this new Porsche

because I did really well
on my report card.

Go on.

But...

But it has red brake calipers
and not the yellow ones.

[ Sobs ]

Okay, we're going to
work with you

and find a way
to make you feel better.

[ Voice breaking ] Okay.

Try to think of the good things
you have in your life.

Like getting a Porsche instead
of having your report card

stuck to the fridge
with a weak magnet

until it slowly sinks
to the floor.

♪♪

I thought
that we were over this,

and then we opened the door
to Anna-Kat's room.

It was like somebody
put OCD in a Coke can,

shook it up,
and sprayed it everywhere.

That's surprising.

She hasn't exhibited any
of the old behavior at school.

In fact, she's getting shining
reports from her teachers.

She's thriving here.

Is there anything different
at home?

[ Smacks lips ]

Not really.

I mean,
I started a business.

But I'm working
from home,

so everything is
pretty much the same.

Well, if I had to think
of something, I would say

that Katie's fuse has been
a lot shorter than usual.

Oh, I just remembered
a big change

that is about to happen
at home.

Greg is moving out.

I can't believe you think
that this is my fault.

Your fuse is short, too,

constantly chasing that
dumb Donnie around the house.

Dumb Lonnie.
Correction --

Greg is not only moving out,
he's gone missing.

Nobody knows where he is.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe Anna-Kat
is picking up on

a little bit of...
tension between you two.

I mean, I feel it, and I've only
been with you for three minutes.

She may be using old behavior
to comfort herself.

Ah, I feel terrible.

I'm going to talk to her.

I-I think bringing up
the OCD behavior to Anna-Kat

will only exacerbate it.

But I would recommend curbing
the bickering around her.

Try and keep things calm.

As much as you can...
being...who you are.

♪♪

♪♪

So, Dr. Ellie said that Greg
and I need to stop bickering

because we might be
triggering Anna-Kat.

Ugh!
I say bicker away.

Fighting means
there's still passion.

Wait. You and Richard
fought all the time,

and your marriage
fell apart.

Yeah, in some cases, fighting
just means you hate each other.

Normally, we don't argue

because we're united
by a common enemy --

the kids.

But since we're both working
out of the house,

we're driving each other
nuts.

I have a tip
to stay calm.

I give it to all my clients
who are on the stand,

being provoked
by opposing counsel.

I tell them to count to five
before answering

so they don't respond
impulsively.

Huh.

That doesn't sound like
I have to change

anything fundamental
about myself.

I'll give it a try.

Oh. Yeah, you should.
[ Chuckles ]

Because if it's hard out there
being single for me -- whoo! --

for you, it's gonna be...

[ Laughs ]

Go ahead.

I want to hear it.

Look at you, bringing a Doris
to a Katie fight,

like a damn fool.

[ Chuckles ]

Cooper:
How was Teen Help Line?

It was actually
pretty easy.

All the calls were
such Westport problems.

One caller was upset

because a classmate had
the same Prada sweater.

Another caller wanted
to run away from home

because her parents
didn't get Beyoncé

to perform
at her Sweet Sixteen.

They got Ashanti.

I don't know how you deal with
that much trauma in one night.

♪♪

There.
Four lasagnas done.

And I know I'm not
supposed to say this, but...

you're my favorite.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I wasn't --

Believe what you want.

So, how is the trial
long-distance thing
going with Trip?

Good. It's actually a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.

Hi, Mrs. A!

No wonder it's easy.

It isn't a real separation
if you're constantly seeing
each other on the phone.

Well, that's how
it's gonna be in college.

We can FaceTime
whenever we want.

You won't have time
for that.

You're going to be
going to classes

and out at the bars
with new friends,

walking home drunk and stumbling
into the wrong house,

eating a stranger's
fried chicken.

God, I miss college.

[ Door opens ]

So, tell me more
about your parents.

I mean, more than just
"They cool."

Oh! Zag!

Okay.
We'll put a pin in that.

So far, we've put a pin
in your childhood,

a pin in how
you started your career,

but we've talked endlessly
about how tall I am

and how I flare my nostrils
when I speak.

Yeah.
It's crazy, man.

It's like
talking to a horse.

[ Chuckles ]

Right.

These are for customers!

What do you think
you're doing?

Acting on impulse.

It's part of my charm.
[ Clicks tongue ]

Greg, this kitchen
is my office.

How am I
supposed to work if --

One, two,
three, four, five.

Honey, would you keep Lonnie
out of the kitchen?

These are pre-paid orders,

and they took me all morning
to make.

One, two,
three, four, five.

I've been trying to keep him
in my office, but I couldn't

with all your lasagna
ingredients stored in there.

On a sidenote,
do I flare my nose like a horse?

One, two,
three, four, five.

Do you think I have time to look
at your ginormous nostrils?

I'm trying
to run a business here.

One, two,
three, four, five.

But I can't, because
you can't control Lonnie.

One, three, five.
I'm trying.

And we were almost on a roll,
but then you came in

to get a crate of tomatoes,
and all he could talk about

was how ripe
the tomatoes need to be

to make the perfect splat when
he throws them off a building.

One, five!
You're driving me crazy!

Five!

I got nothing.
Just five!

[ Water running ]

How you doing, sweetie?

We're not fighting.
No.

We're just having fun
with numbers.

[ Chuckles ]
Numbers are fun.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Mnh.

♪♪

Mm.

Mm.

♪♪

♪♪

One, two,
three, four, five.

We suck at this.

♪♪

Oliver, I'm gonna have to
step away for a bit.

My stomach is rumbling,
and I want to honor it.

So you're going to
get a snack.

Thank you
for hearing me.

Are you gonna be okay
to take phone calls on your own

while I'm gone?

Oh, yeah,
I should be good.

The only call I've gotten today
is from a girl who's sad

her diamond studs
make her ears look tiny.

[ Sighs ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?
This is Teen Help Line.

I'm here to listen. What do you
want to talk about today?

Young man: I don't know.
[ Sniffles ]

I just wanted
to talk to someone.

Things are kind of bad.

Well, maybe I can help.

Is it about a designer sweater
or a Beyoncé no-show?

Did you vacation
in the U.S. Virgin Islands

instead of
the British ones?

[ Door opens ]
I just feel, uh...

[ Sniffles ]
...it's all too much.

I'm -- I'm lost.
Uh...

[ Door closes ]

Are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

I've been in a bad place
lately.

I hear that.
I hear that.

Please keep going.

The funny thing is,
people think I'm Superman,

but I'm not.
[ Sniffles ]

They don't get that I just
don't want to do this anymore.

I think I want out.

Out of what?

School? This call?

[ Beep ]

Supervisor?

[ Beep ]

Can you hold on
for just one second?

I have to go.

W-Wait. Please promise me
you're gonna call back.

Okay. Okay.

[ Click ]

♪♪

[ Beep ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Beep ]
Hello? Is this you?

Young woman: Hi.
My parents are so abusive.

They bought me a dog,
but it isn't a purebred!

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

Go fish.

Do you have any...7s?

Yeah, I do. Two.

Oh, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Hey, Kate?

Your husband's fancy pen
spit ink all over me.

Where's the washing machine?

In your own home,
hopefully.

[ Laughs ]

You are way more fun
than your husband.

I'm guessing that's
not the first time
you've heard that.

That is not okay to say.

[ Whispering ] But no,
it's not the first time.

[ Chuckles ]

No, you hang up first.

What's up, my man?!

[ Giggles ]

[ Dog barks ]
[ Both laugh ]

Oh, my God!
We look so funny!

[ Growls ]

[ Barks ]
[ Laughs ]

[ Howls ]
[ Slurps ]

[ Laughs ]

Dogs can't use phones,
so I can't laugh,

because it doesn't
make any sense.

[ Laughs ]
I look fantastic.

You really do.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Silverware clatters ]

Greg?

Come look at this.

If it's another neighbor
throwing a party

we're not invited to,
you have to accept it.

We're not well-liked.

No!

It's Anna-Kat.

She is combing
the front lawn.

What?

Oh, God.

I thought
we were past this.

She's getting worse.

And we haven't even
argued today.

I don't think this has anything
to do with tension between us.

There has to be another reason.
We have to find out why.

She's coming in.

[ Sighs ]

What is the payoff
to being a parent?

Are we doing all of this

just so somebody will
hold our hands on our deathbeds?

Because a nice, cheerful nurse
would be fine.

Hi, honey.

Did you have a nice time
playing?

Are you hungry?
Do you need a snack?
Mm-hmm?

So, that's
what we're talking about?

How about the fact
that I'm out there

combing our lawn,
like a loon?

You're not gonna say anything
about that?

What?

What do I have to do to get
you guys to pay attention to me?

I'm running out of ideas!

[ Rapid footsteps ]

Anna-Kat!

So it wasn't
about us arguing.

Ha!

I knew Dr. Ellie didn't
know what the hell
she was talking about.

In your face, Dr. Ellie!

You know
this is still on us.

It can still be on us
and in her face, Greg.

♪♪

♪♪

Honey,
what is going on?

Were you pretending
to have OCD?

You had us
scared to death.

I just missed the attention
I used to get.

When I was a weirdo,
you guys were all over me.

We realize
we've been busy lately.

Mom especially, since she's
starting a business in our home.

And your Dad
is writing a book.

About an idiot.

Are we doing this now?

You're right.
Let's save it for date night.

[ Breathes deeply ]

We love you more than anything
in this world,

so thinking that you were
backsliding had us worried sick.

And we're sorry we haven't been
giving you enough attention.

But you were faking OCD,
and that's not okay.

I'm sorry.

Well, you don't get attention
like you used to

because you don't need it
as much anymore.

And I know it's hard,
but you changed,

and that's a good thing.

Doesn't feel that way.

I know, baby.
Change is hard.

But don't worry.

When you're a teenager,
you're bound to do
horrible, stupid things

and get all the attention
you want.

[ Chuckles ]
She's right, dude.

And sometimes you become
a millionaire because of it.

Parkour!

[ Grunts, groans ]

Idiot.

♪♪

Your family moved 6 times
before you were 10,

so you were the new kid
a lot, huh?

What was that like?

Dude, check this out.

I put fake eyeballs
in Katie's lasagna.

Ulp! She's gonna think
it's hilarious.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think
if you do that,

the next eyeball in lasagna
will be yours.

Oh, my God, Trip.
What are you doing here?

We're not supposed to
see each other.

I know the real reason
why you wanted

this fake separation
so much.

You wanted
to be with Lonnie.

What are you
talking about?

You're over here
video-chatting me

while you guys have puppy noses
and high-pitched voices,

and it was adorable.

Now I see how it is
when we're apart --

you drop me for the first
cute guy that comes along.

Oh! Thanks, man.

I think you're cute,
too.

Mr. A, it happened
under your roof?

I thought we were bros!

We are forever bros!

There is nothing going on
between me and Lonnie.

I can't believe
you don't trust me.

How are we gonna make things
work when I go to college?

Or can we?

I don't know.

Maybe we can't.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Trip, I totally get
why you're freaking out.

And I get
why you're upset, too.

You two can do
the long-distance thing,

but you're gonna have to
trust each other.

Because I know what happens
when you don't.

My dad used to have to go
out of town a lot for business,

and my mother
was always worried

that he was fooling around
on her -- which was crazy,

because my dad was, like,
hella skinny, bald,

had mad psoriasis.

What's psoriasis?

I think it's those guys in Syria
with the beards.

There was just no way my dad
would ever cheat on my mom.

But she didn't trust him.

And she got so sad
when he was gone.

That's why I started doing
practical-joke videos.

I just wanted
to make her laugh.

I've been trying to get you
to open up to me for weeks,

and the closest you've come
is showing me the X-rays

from when you swallowed a robot
for one of your videos.

It's Optimus Prime, bro.

He's a Transformer.

Whatever! Let's get this down!
Come on!

Yeah, I'll --
I'll be right there.

You guys have to
trust each other,

and you'll be fine.

[ Sighs ]

I'm really sorry, babe.
I totally overreacted.

We've got to work
on this trust thing.

I'll start.

[ Thud ]
Oh, my God!

You didn't catch me.

Are you okay?

What day is it?

Still today, right?

You're good.

♪♪

Mom?

I've got a big problem.

Get in the car.
I've got cash in the trunk.

I'll take you
wherever you need to go.

No, I'm not playing.

I got a call
at Teen Help Line today.

The guy seemed to be
in real trouble.

Oh, no. Honey.
I'm so sorry.

I tried to help him,
but he hung up.

I told the counselor
right away,

but there was no way
to find the caller.

[ Sighs ]
I just feel so helpless.

What?

Look at you caring.

It's like your soul
is going through puberty.

[ Sighs ]
What do I do?

Just got to wait.

Hopefully, he calls back.

Just sit and wait?
How can I do that?

It's so awful
not knowing.

Oh, I get that.

That is what moms do
all the time.

[ Chuckles ]

Hilarious.

What?

Lonnie put an eyeball
in your lasagna.

Why?
[ Chuckles ]

Why is that hilarious?

[ Laughs ]
Ugh!

♪♪

Hey, Mom, do you want
to play "Monopoly"?

Sweetie, I wish I could,
but I'm busy right now.

Oh. Okay.

I understand.

But you could help me
make lasagna if you want.

That way,
we can work together.

Really?

Mm-hmm.
[ Gasps ]

We get a little
mother/daughter time,

and you get
free child labor.

That's not
how I'm looking at it.

Aren't you?

A little bit.

[ Chuckles ]

Aah!
Okay,
sprinkle it real nice.

Okay.
Like -- Like snow?

Yes.
Okay.

Aah! It's snowing!

Yeah!
Wah!

Hey, boys.
I made you some lunch.

Thanks, girl.

No, no, no, no.

This piece is yours.

What'd you do to it?

Nothing.

Come on.
You're pranking me back.

What'd you put in it?

Mousetrap? Ex-Lax?
Thumbtack?

I've done 'em all.
It's my job, yo.

If you think I have the time
to make a prank lasagna,

you're out of your mind.

Take a bite.

Sure.

Even better.

You knew
I was gonna do that.

Mm.

Dude, I'm throwing this
in the garbage.

So, what'd you put in it?
What's the prank?

There is none.
But now I'm in his head.

I never have to
feed that dope again.

That's how
Katie Otto rolls.

Yeet!

Oh, Greg, sweetie, no.
Just no.

Yee--
Don't do it.

Yeet!
Stop!

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

♪♪