All language subtitles for Louis.C.K.Ridiculous.2026.NF.WEB.H264-EDITH.en[sdh]

["Move" by Miles Davis playing]

[applause]

[woman] Whoo!

[loud cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh! Hello.

Thank you. Oh, I… I don't know.

-[loud cheering and whistling]
-[chuckles]

Thank you very much. Um…

So I took an AIDS test today.

Um…

I haven't had sex in years, I just, um…

I just wanted some good news.

-[scattered applause]
-Um…

-Anyway. It…
-[man calls out]

Turns out I've got AIDS.

[loud laughter]

Pfft.

Rats.

That's how I got it, actually. I…

Yeah. Did you know you can get AIDS
from fucking a bunch of rats?

You can, it's true.

They don't even have to be gay.

But this one was gay. It was gay, yeah.

I fucked a gay rat and I got AIDS.

I was on an airplane recently,
and I fell asleep on the plane.

I don't like falling asleep on a plane
because I don't like waking up on a plane.

And I don't like… I don't like waking up.

I hate it. I hate waking up.

It's the worst feeling known.

And you gotta do it every fuck…

I had to do it today.
You can't skip a day.

It's so unfair that every day starts
with just…

[snorts] Aagh!

Ohh!

Oh, fuck. [puffing]

[groaning]

[trembling] I don't wanna do it.

I don't wanna… do it.

Takes me about 40 minutes
to be like, "It's okay, it's okay."

"It's okay!"

"You're just a guy, you're kinda fat.
It's almost over."

"It's okay, just a couple more."

But… but wakin' up
on a plane is much worse,

because it's such a shock
'cause you were just in a dream,

you were in a subconscious state,

and now you're in public.

You go from a deep part of yourself
unknown to you,

to there's a guy right here.

There's just a guy.

And you're like… [yelps]

[grunts]

[clears throat painfully]

Aargh!

Phew!

I woke up on a plane, guy next to me,
he goes, "You were talking a lot."

I said, "Was it like…" He goes,
"Yeah, it was pretty racist. Most of it."

Yeah.

Fuck.

I'm not racist.

But a boy can dream, I guess.
I don't know.

It's a dream.

I can't be held responsible
for what I dream.

I'm not a good guy in my dreams. I'm not.

Hpw many dreams have you had
where you wake up and you're like,

"I think I handled that
pretty well in there"?

[scattered applause]

I've done horrible things in my dreams.

Horrible.

I dreamt once that I peed on a baby.

Yeah. The whole dream.
It wasn't like one part.

I was just, the whole night, "Oh God."

"I don't wanna pee on this baby."

"Why am I peeing on this baby?"

"Wait a minute, come back here.
Wait, oh, he's crawling."

"Hey! The dream is
that I'm peeing on you."

"Wait. All right, step on his foot.
There we go."

It was a dream.

Yeah. I wonder what it means.

I asked my therapist. I said,

"What does it mean
that I dreamt that I peed on a baby?"

He said,
"I don't want you to come here anymore."

-[applause]
-Yeah.

I get it. I'm sick of this shit myself.

[clears throat] I live in New York,
and, um, I don't like it.

But it's too late.

Here's why I don't like it.
Because I like nature.

There's no nature here.
There's no wildlife, you know?

I've been livin' in New York for 30 years,
and I saw a bee one time.

I did see… I saw a bee in 1997

on 38th Street.

And it was… it was dead.

Yeah. Somebody shot a bee.

I love nature.

I love going way out. You ever
go way out where it's, like, quiet?

You know? You look at your phone,
there's only one bar.

And it's a gay bar, you know, just…

peaceful.

Everything in nature is connected.

Like, I was thinkin' about the sun
the other day.

I was thinkin' about the sun,

and I was thinkin' about how vaginas

are like the sun.

[man] Oh my God.

The sun and vaginas
have something in common,

which is that they're both…

great, first of all, they're both so good.

-They're so good.
-[cheering]

Like, really, like, vaginas…

Just for a second. Just take a second.

Sh. Just, sh.

Just feel… Just remember.

-[scattered applause]
-Fu… they're so good.

Yeah.

And the sun is great.

But here's how they're connected.

Because the sun and vaginas

are both the source of life

and joy,

but also,

don't look at it.

[loud laughter]

Really, seriously, don't look at it.

Just be like, "I know it's right there,
I'm very grateful."

But never look right at it.

You'll regret it.

My mom…

What?

-Wait, no. I'm…
-[scattered applause]

Fucking people. I'm changing the subject.

I'm changing the subject.

Jesus.

My mom

had a really disgusting vagina.

[loud laughter and applause]

[chuckles]

Nah, it was, you know…

I mean…

[laughs]

It was a'ight, you know?

[scattered applause]

[clears throat]

[laughs and clears throat]

No, my mom used to say things to me,

probably like other mothers would.

My mother would say,
"You better eat everything on your plate

because there are children in Africa
who are dying of hunger."

Later, I found out that wasn't true.

They were dying of AIDS.

Didn't matter how much I ate.

But also, my mother used to tell me this.
You know when a baby's breastfeeding?

Sometimes when a baby breastfeeds,

they bite their mother on the nipple,

and it's very painful.

And my mother told me
that I did that to her,

which, of course, I don't remember,

'cause I was drunk.

[applause]

Obviously, I don't breastfeed
from my mother now

because we had her cremated.

That's actually…
that's why we had her cremated.

I said, "You guys, we gotta burn her.
I can't stop."

[shocked laughter and gasping]

Yeah.

That's what I said when my mother died.

My sister called me. She said, "Mom died."

And I said, "Just cook her right now.
I'm telling you."

"Or I'm gonna suck her tits
for the rest of my life."

I said, "You know me."

My sister said, "I got it."
She lit her on fire right there.

You're not supposed to just burn your mom.

But there's no penalty.
They just come over.

They go, "You shouldn't have done that."

[sighs]

Anyway. I miss my mom. I do.

I don't miss my dad.

I don't miss my dad.

'Cause he's not dead.

Anyway, he wasn't a good dad.
He wasn't. My dad was not a good father.

He was, uh… You know, he didn't

He didn't wanna do it.
He just didn't feel like it.

He was like, "Nah. Uh-uh."

So he didn't.

But he did one good thing for me,
and I appreciate that.

That's… The way I look at life is,

is if somebody does one good thing for me,
I keep that.

Anything else they did,
I can… I can let that go.

And my dad did one good thing for me
as a father,

which is that he never fucked me.

It's true. He never did.

And that's a huge contribution to my life.

Not being fucked by your dad
is a massive advantage.

So I gotta give him that.
He never fucked me.

I mean, he's still alive, so…

he didn't fuck me yet.

He could literally…

Technically, he could still.

But at this point, you know,

it wouldn't be that bad.

You know what I mean? When I was a kid,
it would have been devastating.

But I'm 58. I could… I could handle it.

I don't want him to.

[laughs] I don't. I really don't.

But if he did, I don't know.

I wouldn't… I wouldn't even
cancel a show, I don't think.

[loud laughter]

Yeah, my dad is 89 now. i don't know.

[man chortling]

-[snorts]
-[laughter]

Is that funny 'cause now
you picture him fuckin' me?

It was like, a little…

It's funnier now, right?

'Cause he's little and old and stuff?

He's just kind of…

Uh…

"Dad, I'm asking you to stop. Okay?"

No, you're right.
I should have said that first.

Yeah, my dad's 89, and, uh,

he's in a home now.

He's in a home.
You know what that means, right? He's in…

There's a pink plastic water pitcher
in the room. You know what I mean?

Yeah. He's in a home.

My sisters and I put him in a home

because he was too old

um, to stop us from putting him in there.

He was just too weak
to resist being forced.

So my sisters and I decided to put him
there because… Two reasons.

Number one, we didn't wanna look at him.

We were done lookin' at him.
We saw enough.

And number two,

it's illegal to murder him.

You can't do it. You can't do it.

So we had to figure somethin' out, and…

Luckily there's these places,
there's a whole industry of places

that service that dilemma exactly.

And they get it. Like they just get it.

Like, you look at the brochure, and you're
like, "They fucking get my situation."

The brochure says, like,
"You don't wanna look at your father,

but you can't kill him, so…

bring him here, and we guarantee

that he will die legally."

"Not from neglect, but from despair."

"Your father will die alone in a room

with a Jamaican person
standing over the bed…

[in mock Jamaican accent]
…saying, 'Oh, that's a shame.'"

That's what it says.

So we thought, "This sounds really good."

So we went lookin' for a home
to put our dad in,

and, uh… we went on a tour and…

Not with him. You don't…

You don't bring him on the tour.

No, his first time there is the day

that it's the last place he'll ever go.

That's his first time seeing it,

is the day he says, "What is this place?"

And then you explain

that he'll never ask that question again.

But first you go on a tour.
The theme of the tour is,

"This is what this is."

"There's just this." The guy's like,

"So that's where they eat."

I was like, "That doesn't look good."

And he says,
"Yeah, well, that's where they eat."

That's the tour.

Then you go in a little room,
and you write them a check

for whatever the fuck they want.

Whatever. Like, pick a number.

If I don't have it, I'll get it.

'Cause you know what this place does?
You know what they do?

You give them money

and they take your father.

Do you understand? They…

Think about your father.

They take him.

They just take him because you paid.

They go, "This one?"
You go, "Yeah." And they…

-They fuckin' take him.
-[scattered applause]

They just push him in a chair away from…

You just stay.

You don't even have to wave.
You just watch.

And your father's like…

It's the greatest service I ever heard of.

I don't know why we waited.

If I knew about this when I was 12,

I would've blown guys on the street
for money to finance this,

which is the only way I could've raised
that kind of money at 12 years old.

He's there right now.

My father's in that place right now,

while we laugh at him.

[loud laughter]

He's in there. He can't leave.
He didn't even do anything.

I go see my father. I do.
I go see him once, um…

[laughs] Once.

I saw him once.

[scattered applause]

That's how often I go.

Once.

I go in there. There's a lady at a desk.
So I think I'm, like, checking in.

You know? I get my ID.
I was like, "I'm here to see my father."

She's like,
"Yeah, go do whatever you want in there."

"What are you botherin' me for?"

It's like, "Don't you want my ID?"
She's like, "They're not valuables."

"What do you think happens?"

She didn't wanna know my name or his name.

I said, "How do I find my dad?"

She goes, "Just talk to any of them.
Who cares?"

Yeah, she's not wrong.

'Cause you go in the place, right?
And they're all… they're in wheelchairs,

but they're not moving.

They're just kind of jackknifed
around the halls.

Like, some of them are facing each other,
but it's an accident.

It's like a game of bumper cars
where they turned the power off…

and then everybody died.

'Cause they're all like this
in their chairs.

They're like this.
Like how the fuck does a neck…

Like, here's the body, and then the neck…

And then the head hangs down
like a streetlamp.

This is what they do all day.

This is what they do.
This is what they do at night.

And that's what they do in the day.

These people are alive, just to be clear.

And I'm walkin'
around this place, and, uh…

I was losing interest
in finding my father, honestly.

And then I saw this one lady.
This one lady in a wheelchair.

And… and she was like this. She was tiny.

She looked like a…

She looked like a dead baby bird.

You ever seen a dead baby bird?

You know, it's got a little eye.

And his hair is messy, you know?
From, like, yolk, you know? 'Cause he…

'Cause he just died. That's all he did.

You know when a baby bird
is born in a little nest

and his egg
is a little too close to the edge?

So he just… Beep! Splat.

Like, just… chhk, chhk, chhk, beep, splat.

That's his whole life.

His mom was like, "Eh… Fuck him."

"Meh. I got 12 more."

And you see him on the sidewalk, you know?
The dead baby bird.

You're just walkin',
and don't even break stride.

You're like,
"Saddest thing I ever saw. Okay, well."

"I'm gonna get some pizza."

So that's what this lady looked like.
She looked like a giant dead baby bird

in a wheelchair.

And I noticed her 'cause she was
going like this, she was going, like…

She looked like
she was beating her own heart manually.

Like it stopped that morning, and she's
like, "I'll do it. I can do it myself."

So I see her and then she sees me.

And when she sees me,
she goes, "Oh, help me."

And I said, "What?"

And she said, "Please help me."

I was like, "Fuck you."

[scattered applause]

"I… I… This can't be on me.""

"Who the fuck works here?"

So I started lookin' around for somebody,
and then I see a guy.

He's got, like, a white jacket
and he's on a computer.

So I go, "Hey, sir?"

"Yeah, this lady needs help."

And the guy goes like this.

Just like that.

It's like I said,
"Hey, I'm going to Starbucks."

"Do you need somethin' from Starbucks?"

Yeah.

Well, my father, he got old.
That's what happened.

That's what happens
if you don't die for a long time.

I'm aging. I'm 58.
And, uh, I don't mind aging.

I don't. Some people try
to reverse the process.

I'm not interested in that.

I was thinking
of getting circumcised again

because it's starting to,
you know, kinda…

Sort of draping, but, uh…

I would never get work done on my face

'cause I don't wanna…
I don't wanna skip this part of my life.

I think it's interesting
to watch my face change.

Like… like, I have, uh, these bags.

You see these? I have these bags of fat.

That's what they are.
They're little bags of fat under each eye.

And under them, you see these dark rings?

Do you know what those are?
Those are the shadows of the bags.

[chuckles] The bags are
big enough to block light

from the face part under them.

You can actually tell what time it is
when I'm outside

by how tired I look.

I don't mind.
Some guys have it a lot worse.

Like, you ever seen a guy who's got
a skin tag right next to his eyeball?

You ever seen that?
The guy with a tag of skin.

You never see a woman like that,

'cause she killed herself.

But sometimes you see a guy,
he's got a tag of skin next to his eye.

And he's, like, talking,
and you're like, "No, no. You can't."

"You can't just talk."

You can either go, "Look at it!"

[prolonged laughter]

I was thinkin' about my age recently.

I was thinking about it
because, uh, I was talkin' to this kid.

I know this kid who's 11, and…

I know his parents too. I don't…

I don't just know…

I don't just know an 11-year-old.

You can't just know an 11-year-old.

You gotta have an in.

[loud laughter]

You do.

By the way, if you molest a child…

Just if.

And don't. If you need to hear it from me…

If I'm the tiebreaking vote for you,

I vote don't molest the child.

But if you do, and if you're gonna do it,
you're gonna do it, but if you…

Just as a hypothetical. If…

If you molest a child…

And let's say that kid has, like, a cold.
He's got a cold.

And you catch his cold

'cause you molested him,

don't come crying to me about it,
that's all I'm saying.

That's on you.

Yeah. Lesson learned, I hope.

[coughs]

Anyway.

[applause]

So I was talkin' to this kid. Um…

He's… My friends have a son who's 11.

I was visiting them for dinner,
and me and their son,

we don't have much to say to each other,
but at one point,

they both left the table and
it was just me and him across the table.

And this kid looks at me, and he goes, uh…

He says, "How old are you?"

Like that, you know? Like
the subtext was, like, "What the fuck?"

You know?

[laughs] So I said, uh, "58. I'm 58."

And then he thought for a second,

and he said, "How old is that?"

And I respect the question.

It's intelligent.

He's trying to say like, "What is 58?
Like, where is that?" You know?

So I said, "Okay, well,

I could beat the shit out of you…

but I would get hurt too."

"That's 58 right there."

And I have, um, some jokes
about how old I am,

and I'm gonna do them for you.

I'm tellin' you first because
I need your participation for these jokes.

They're kind of
an old-fashioned format for jokes.

The way it's gonna work is,
I'm gonna say, "I am so old…"

And then you're gonna say…

-[audience] "How…"
-Yes, "How old are you?"

You'll all say that together.

And then I'll hit you
with the fuckin' zinger, okay?

All right.

Okay, here we go. All right.

I am so old…

[audience] How old are you?

I'm so old that my mother is dead…

[man] Whoo!

…and my sisters depend on me more now.

'Cause Mom was really the center.

[prolonged laughter]

I am so old…

[all] How old are you?

I'm so old
that my friends and I are drifting apart.

I saw my friend on the street,
I just let him walk by.

I didn't say hello.

And all my fat friends are dead.

If you have a friend over 50 who's fat,
say goodbye.

I am so old…

[all] How old are you?

I'm so old that I live in the present
for the first time,

not from wisdom or courage

but from fear

because there's too much of the past
and not enough of the future.

-[man] Whoo!
-[applause]

[cheering and applause]

Thank you. Yes.

It's good. It's good.
It's good to live in the present.

It's good to live in the present
when… when you want to.

You know, some people are like…

[affectedly] "You should
always be in the present."

"You should… The present moment
contains everything you need."

"Just always be in…"

"Just always be in the present.
Just stay in the present."

"Just be in the…"
Yeah, that's easy to say.

It's harder to do

when you have diarrhea most days.

You don't wanna just sit there,
"I'm having diarrhea."

"That's what the present moment
contains for me."

"I'm having diarrhea."

"It's splashing back onto my thighs
because it's so violent,

and it's gonna take a long time to clean,
but that's in the future."

"I don't have to worry about that now."

"I just have to sit here
and piss out of my asshole…

because I ate ice cream
at seven o'clock this morning,

and I shouldn't have,
but that's in the past."

"I'm just having this diarrhea."

People like to give you advice like that.

[affectedly] "No, it's… it's… Just… You…"

"I read a book by Pemmes Edison.
It was amazing."

"I just found out that you just…
It's all you have to do. Just… just…"

And when guys do it, they're like,
"All you gotta know, you gotta blah…"

"That's all you gotta…"

"Eh, blah, blah."

That's what guys do.
They solve your problem.

"Blah, blah, blah. Just blah."

"Gnah."

"Ehh."

"Yeah, thanks. That really helps."

I have a friend like that.

Here's what he always says.
"Always prepare for the worst."

That's what he says.
"Always prepare for the worst."

That's a weird way to live.

'Cause first you have to decide, like…

like, what's the worst?

Like, you gotta
really think about it. What…

"No, that's bad,
but what's the fuckin' worst?"

For me, the worst would be, uh,

somebody torturing my balls.

That's really it. I've thought about it.
Somebody torturing my balls.

I think that's the worst.
That's the worst life gets

is deliberate, focused ball torture.

I don't know why they torture men
in any other way besides their balls.

Every time I see a movie, they're
trying to get information from a guy

and they're pulling on his fingernails?

I'm like, "He has two balls."

"Torture his balls.
He'll tell you things that aren't known."

"It's not complex."

"You don't even need pliers or anything."

"Just take one ball and just go like this.
That's it. Just… just go like that."

[screams]

"'Oh God!'"

That. That. I'll tell on everybody.

I don't give a fuck.

Do this to one of my balls, I'll…

I will betray this nation without regrets.

That's it.

That's the worst.

Just that.

Just that's…

Even if a little kid did it, just that.

That's the worst thing possible in life.

So how do I prepare for that?

I had an idea how to prepare for it.

I'm gonna take 'em out.
I'm taking my balls out.

First, if I get my appendix out,
I'm gonna be like, "Take the balls."

"Take the balls."

"I don't fuckin' need 'em."

They… I won't miss 'em. What are they for?

I've never had a moment of my life
where I've been like,

"Oh good. I'll use my balls for this."

They're just two ultra liabilities, right
where everybody knows where they are.

Exactly where they are.

Nobody's like,
"I wonder where he hides his balls."

They're not useful.
They just hang there and stink.

That's all they do, is stink,

and they bother my dick.

All day, my dick is like, "Fuckin'…"

"Guys. Just back off for a minute!"

"Jesus!"

[scattered applause]

Pfft.

I'm a very uncomfortable person.

My body's uncomfortable right now.

I have rivers of sweat.

My socks are soaking wet
from sweat from my neck.

It never stops.

And I have rashes.

Every part of my body
hates the part next to it,

'cause they go, "Aah, ugh…"

[whimpers]

I have to use… There's only one soap
that works for me. All soap, I break out.

But there's this one soap. I get it
at the farmer's market in New York.

I have to go every Saturday, um, to get it
'cause it's a lady that makes it.

I get it from her.
It's handmade organic soap. Natural.

You know, it's got… It's a cube of soap
wrapped in brown paper with twine.

You get it, right?

It's not simple to buy her soap.
I go up, I'm like, "Can I get a soap?"

She's like, "Can I tell you a little bit
about our story?"

"Mmph…"

[laughs]

"I'm ready to buy now.
You don't have to tell me anything."

"So we source the oils

naturally in a small village in Peru

where the women there
extract them from a seed."

"If they want to. They don't have to."

"They don't have to."

"And I walk to Peru every Friday. And…"

And I'm like, "Listen,
I need to wash my asshole right now."

"I'm sorry, but it's an emergency
that I wash my asshole."

"It stings. It stings."

"I need to wash it. I need your soap."

"It's the only one that works
'cause it's a cube and it has that edge."

"And I can get in there and I can,
'Oh God, yeah.

"Fuck, yeah. It feels so good."

"It feels so good 'cause
I can scrub hard 'cause it's just soap."

"But it has a corner. I can drive it in."

"But I'm back every week as it's worn out.
It's like a baseball after a while."

"I got a pile of 'em next to my tub."

"Can I bring 'em here
to sharpen them at least?"

"I'll buy the company,
just give me the fuckin' soap."

That's what I wanna say to her.

But I don't.
I don't say that to her, ever.

I just listen to the whole story
every time.

You gotta do that in life.
You gotta listen.

You know what listen means?

It means hearing something
you don't wanna fuckin' hear at all,

but you pretend to give a shit.

Pretending is an important part of life,
I think, you know?

I think the truth is important,
but lying is important.

Like in a courtroom. In a courtroom,
everybody needs to tell the truth,

but not the guilty guy.

He needs to lie or they might kill him.

It's fascinating
when you watch court stuff on TV,

'cause they have a very scientific way

to make sure that
you're gonna tell the truth.

They make you do this.
It's the whole thing.

I don't know why this is so important,
but you must do it.

They go, "Raise your right hand,"
and you go like this.

And everybody goes, "Oh fuck,
he's gonna really tell. Holy shit."

"No, it's his right hand. Look."

Everybody does it just like this.
They don't tell you how to do it.

They just say, "Raise your right hand."
You could go like this, like…

[prolonged laughter]

Then you have to take an oath.

You don't have to say the oath.

The guy says the oath,
and then you just go, "Yeah, sure."

'Cause you have to say yes.

Like, what does it prove
if you say yes to an oath

that you're not allowed to say no to?

You're not allowed to say no.

Nobody gets to go,
"No, I'm not doin' that."

And then the judge is like,
"Okay, so this one's gonna lie."

"Does everybody understand?"

"This one is a liar."

"Go right ahead, sir."

The oath is really intense.

They say,
"Do you swear to tell the truth?"

Which, I think we're done, right?
That's enough.

But there's two more parts.

The next one is, "The whole truth."

But then what about this one?
"And nothing but the truth."

What is that?

Like, "Yeah, and don't
fuckin' yap, yap, yap, yap, yap."

They don't want you to be like,
"I saw him and he had a gun."

"And also I'm just tired today.
I don't know what's goin' on with me."

"I shoulda had a matcha."

I've never been in court.
Never been in a courtroom.

I never even did jury duty.
I never did it.

I'm 58. Yeah. You know how
I get out of jury duty each time?

I throw the thing away that they send you.

Yeah.

I throw it in the garbage.

Sometimes it's red.
I'm like, "I gotta really throw that one."

That's what I do. That's my trick.

What are they gonna do, arrest me?

And get a jury for that?

That jury will be on my side.

[scattered applause]

I just don't wanna do stuff. I don't
like goin' out. I don't like doin'…

I used to go to movies a lot.
I don't do that.

I would never do what you're doin'.
That's crazy.

You gotta sit there
for fucking the whole thing.

And a movie? I used to love it.

Now the whole point to the movie

is "When do I piss?"

"What part of this movie will I pee
during?" That's the worst part.

You're sittin' there,
and at some point, you gotta go…

[whispers] "Fuck. Okay.
Hi. Hi, guys. Uh… Thank you."

"Oh, oh…"

"Thank you so much."

Each person you have to…
"I have to go to the restroom."

[whispers] "Hi,
do you mind if I… Psst, psst…"

"Okay, thank you so much. Hi… Psst, psst…"

Then you go pee. A few minutes later,
you come back, you're like…

[chuckling] "Hi!"

"Heh. Sorry."

"Sorry. Psst, psst."

"Oh!"

"Thank you so much. Psst, psst, psst."

"Psst, psst!"

Finally, you get back to your seat,

and then you remember,

"Oh shit."

"My dad did fuck me when I was five."

[loud, shocked laughter]

[sighs heavily]

[groans]

Mmph.

"I… I gotta get out again. I'm sorry.
I have to do this."

"No, 'cause…
Well, my dad fucked me when I was five."

That's why I don't go to movies anymore.

I just do the things I have to do.

Like, I walk my dog twice a day.

And it sucks walkin' a dog in New York,

because people talk to you.

They just walk up and they talk to you.
You don't have a choice.

They don't say, "Excuse me" or "Hello."

They just walk up to you and your dog.
They're like, "Is that a Goldendoodle?"

"Is that a Labradoodle?
Do they have hypoallergenic fur?"

"Where did you… Where did you get it?"

"What's his name? Where did you…"

It's like, this is a private dog.

It's a fuckin' private animal.

I don't walk up to you and your family,
"Oh, is that your daughter?"

"Did she have her period yet?"

[loud laughter and applause]

I don't like this shit.
People talkin' to ya? You don't know them?

What the fuck is that? I don't like that.

I was at a red light once. I'm just
waitin' to walk across the street.

There's a lady next to me, and she goes,

"Tsk! It's a beautiful day."

I said, "Shut the fuck up.
I don't know you."

-"I don't know you."
-[applause]

"Don't speak to me."

"And also, no, it isn't."

"It's just, the sun is out."

Every time the sun is out,
people are like, "It's a beautiful day."

And you're supposed to go,
"Yeah, I know! It's cra…"

Who gives a fuck about a sunny day?
There's trillions of 'em.

Are you not used to that?
Grow the fuck up.

When you go in your house,
do you turn the lights on…

"Oh! Look at that."

"The lamps!"

There's nothin' beautiful about
a sunny day, not to me anymore.

I've lived too long
to give a fuck about a sunny day.

I like a day that's dramatic.

I like a dark day. I like a terrible day.

I like when you open the door
and you're like, "Whoa, fuck."

And you go back inside and reassess.

I like when you go out at noon
and it looks like 7:40 p.m.

I love it. I love bad weather. I love…
Freezing rain is my favorite weather.

When they say freezing rain,
'cause that means it coulda snowed,

it was cold enough,

but the sky was like,
"Yeah, fuck you, cocksuckers."

"Pfft! Fuck it."

"Merry Christmas, you piece of shit."

That's how it feels.
A freezing rain in early March.

I love it. You know why I love it?

Because of the way people behave
on days like that.

They walk around like this, like, "Fuck!"

"Oh God."

They don't bother you. They just…
They might go, like, "Agh."

And that makes me love them, you know?

I don't like summer,
'cause everybody's a shit in the summer.

Everybody walks around just, like, "Mmm."

"Look, it's my ass."

There's a lady in my building
who's like 80, like…

Or just… just gross. I don't know.

I mean, she's just a skeleton
with, like, cigarette flesh hangin'.

In the summer, every summer,

she wears shorts, tiny little shorts.

Tiny. And you kind of
wanna go up to her, like,

"Hey, would you mind cutting your legs off
and throwing 'em in the garbage?"

"'Cause it's hard to see you."

But I love her
because she doesn't give a fuck.

She wears little shorts and a tube top.
That's it.

And she just walks out

like she just got up
off the Auschwitz pile and just…

[shocked gasps and laughter]

-[scattered applause]
-[man] Nice…

Nah, it's good news. She made it.

[loud laughter]

What's wrong with you?

That's why I like winter.

You appreciate different things later
in life. That's what I've found, you know?

There's things that bring me joy
that never…

I wouldn't have thought
would bring me joy.

Like, here's a thing that brings me joy.

When I go shopping, I always get boneless,
skinless chicken breast.

I like it,
'cause I like the name too, you know?

It sounds like a cutdown.

"You boneless, skinless chicken breast."

Like somebody
got fed up with it, you know?

"You lazy, useless, boneless,
skinless chicken breast."

"Why don't you get a fuckin' job?"

I love… Boneless, skinless chicken breast
brings me joy every time I cook with it,

because it's that moment, you know,
where you take it out of the fridge

and you peel off the wrapper,
and when you pick up the chicken,

there's this pad there.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

It's like a maxi pad…

but it's soaked in raw chicken water.

I fuckin' love that… that thing.

I love it

because I always forget I'm gonna see it.

I… Every time, I'm like,
"Oh yeah, what the fuck?"

Like, every time!

It… it wakes me up.

Like it's proof that I'm really here.

That's how I feel.
Like it's proof that I'm alive.

'Cause some people don't think we're here.
Some people think we're in a simulation,

and the Matrix is a computer
feeding us everything we're seeing.

But they wouldn't have put that pad there.

[scattered applause]

That pad would not be in the Matrix.

They'd be like, "Put a piece of chicken
on the tray. What are we talkin' about?"

That… that's people.
That means there's people.

Only fuckin' people
would make a factory of that pad.

There's a factory.
You realize that, right?

Somewhere in Ohio, there's a whole town,
and they all wake up every morning…

Hoo-uhhh!

And everybody…

[applause]

Everybody works hard every day.

"We gotta get these out. Let's go!"

There's a billionaire somewhere.

"I'm makin' a fortune
on those chicken tampons, I tell you."

You gotta look for new joy in life because

life is, uh… it's just too long.

That's really what I've learned,
is that life is too long.

Because you can have a great life,

but you're still alive after that part.

You still gotta be here.

You know, like, you learn the world.
You actually do.

Like, the world is confusing,
but then you figure it out.

You actually figure it all out.
And then it changes.

The whole world changes.
This is not the world that I figured out.

Like, when I was young,
the only thing that really mattered

was that nobody thinks you're gay.

That's all that mattered.

That's all that mattered
is no one thinks you're gay.

And now that's a useless skill set.

I have friends that just had their
first kids, and they're in their 40s.

People are doin' that now.

My friend is 40 and his wife is 42,
and they just had their first baby,

who is gonna be an orphan when he's 12.

They had…
They really struggled to get pregnant,

because they shouldn't have done it, but…

It just costs money.
They just had to pay money.

They had to buy eggs from out
'cause hers are all scrambled up.

She's 42. She's got rotten eggs.

[laughs]

So they bought an egg.
You know what it cost?

$20,000.

Yeah. For one egg. For one egg, $20,000.

I wonder if there's any guys
who are so rich

that they buy, like, a bunch of those

and eat 'em like caviar.

[shocked laughter]

Maybe that's, like, the best.

You gotta be a real baller
to eat human caviar, though,

'cause that's…

Just to cover a cracker
is like a billion dollars.

'Cause it's eggs.

I mean, if it was jizz,
it would be four bucks, maybe.

Mmph. Today, anyway.

I mean, when I was a kid, it was 50 cents.

You could get a cracker with jizz on it
for 50 cents

from this guy.

It's true.

He would sell you just the jizz
for 20 cents.

But then, you know, what are you doin'?

Anyway, so my friends had the baby.

My friends, he's 40, she's 42.

They had the baby,
and now they're really suffering.

They're having a hard time
'cause the baby cries a lot

because his parents are so old,
he's upset.

And they call me
and they complain all the time.

They're like,
"We can't sleep past four in the morning."

And I was like, "Yeah, that's what
havin' a baby is, you fuckin' idiot."

"Also, you're gonna miss it."
That's what I was tellin' 'em.

"You're so stupid.
You're going to miss this part."

"That's… You're… you're struggling

because it matters what you're doing

and 'cause you're doing it at your…
the best you possibly can."

"That's what struggling is,
being at the edge of your ability."

"Later, it's not gonna matter
what the fuck you do,

and you're gonna miss this."

But he doesn't get it.

'Cause people don't get
where they're at till later.

That's how life is. Life… life teaches you

how you should have lived it,

but you can't use the information.

You get to the end of your life
and you're like,

"It would have been good to know
a lot of those things."

[applause]

"But it's too late."

Anyway, my friend's, uh…
Yeah, no, he's struggling.

He… he dropped the baby
the other day. He did.

He dropped his baby on… on its head,

which sounds bad,

but now they can sleep
as late as they want.

[shocked laughter]

No, 'cause the baby died.
Did you understand?

No, they still have the baby.
I mean, it's dead,

but they kept it because it cost a lot.

I'm just saying, appreciate your life.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Like, there's a Buddhist parable
I wanna share with you.

There's a Buddhist parable I like a lot.

It's about a baby born in a small village.

And the parents rejoice, and they say,
"Our baby will have a beautiful life."

And the Buddhist master says, "We'll see."

The baby grows into a child,

and one day he's playing,
and he injures his leg,

and he'll never walk straight again,

and his parents say,
"Well, now he'll have a difficult life."

And the Buddhist master says, "We'll see."

And then there's a terrible war,

and the army makes every boy
fight in the war,

but they don't take that kid away
because of his leg,

and his parents say,
"Well, now he'll live a long life."

And the Buddhist master says, "We'll see."

And then one night,
the boy's father gets drunk,

and he burns the house down,

and he kills the kid,
and he cuts his head off,

and he throws it in the river.

And the Buddhist master

says, "Fuck, that's awful."

-[applause]
-[man] Whoo!

"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

The point of the story

is that Buddhism is limited.

[loud laughter and applause]

And I've been dating,
and dating is great at my age.

Because it just… there's no point.

That's the best part.
There's no fuckin' point.

You don't have to do it. You don't
have to do it. That's why it's fun.

I like it. I date women my own age,
which I don't…

I don't want to, obviously.

I don't… I don't want to.
Who the fuck would wanna do that?

But I do. I do.

'Cause I… Like, if you go on the apps,
I always set my parameters from 49 to 58.

Sometimes I slide it down to 22
to enjoy myself.

But I don't wanna meet women
in their 20s, 30s, or 40s

because they have great lives.

She's got a, you know, a flat stomach.
She's in a warrior pose.

I don't wanna meet her. Her life is great.

Who the fuck wants
to meet somebody with a good life?

You look at women in their 50s on the apps

and in her picture,
she's just standing there like…

[scattered applause]

"Like, I don't know all this… wh…"

"Take the picture. I hate this."

And her profile is just anger, you know?

"I have three kids.
Don't waste my fuckin' time."

[scattered applause]

And they're the best women to date.
They are.

'Cause you go on a date
with a 58-year-old,

you don't have to be charming.

You don't have to worry.
You just sit down.

You just go, "So, tell me what happened
to you. What happened?"

And she tells you her life,
and you're like, "Fuck!"

And you get hard 'cause it's like,

"I never fucked a woman
whose brother was murdered."

[loud laughter]

[scattered applause]

Nobody gets to 58 single
without a horrible fuckin' life,

and you get to hear about it every day.

And sex after 50
is just simpler, you know?

You just… you just go, "You wanna fuck?"

And she's like, "Nah."

And you're like, "Ah, that's good.
I wanna go home."

Like, you don't have to worry about it.

And if you have sex, there's no condoms.
There's no condoms after 50.

Nobody's gettin' pregnant.

You know? And she's got half the diseases,
I've got the other half.

Let's just, pfft, shuffle 'em together.

"What do you got? Give it to me. I'll
beat it in three weeks. I don't care."

I don't care!

Give me AIDS. I'm 58.

Life with AIDS after 58

is pretty much the same
as life without it.

[scattered applause]

So I like it.
I like the women my age, you know.

I could… Here's what's crazy.

I could have sex with an 18-year-old,
and it would be legal.

How fucked up is that?

That's like another species.
That's too far.

That's too far. That's 40 years.

You shouldn't have sex with somebody

if the years between you
would be the age of a woman

who would have a high-risk pregnancy.

I think that's a good rule of thumb.

You shouldn't be able to fit
an unfertile woman between you.

Some guys are just
obsessed with young women.

I have this friend, he's always saying,
like, "If I could be 21 now,

with what I know…"

Yeah, you'd be a creepy 21-year-old.

Guys are so gross.
That's why we have Barely Legal magazine.

Do you remember this thing, Barely Legal?
I still see it sometimes.

Barely Legal magazine.
I saw it at an airport for sale.

Who has those balls?

[scattered applause]

That you're at LaGuardia Airport,

you go into the Hudson News,

and you see Barely Legal.

"Oh, perfect!" And you just…

Then you sit in the center seat
to Cincinnati, like…

-"Wow, she's so young."
-[applause]

"That's crazy. Can I get a ginger ale?"

"Thank you very much. Wow."

"Her anus is like a pencil point."

If you've never seen
Barely Legal magazine,

I'll describe it for you.

It's a glossy magazine,

and it's got a picture
of a shockingly young woman on the cover,

and she's like, "Unnh…"

And it says Barely Legal.

What the magazine is saying to you is,

"If you read this,

you're not a pedophile."

"You're not."

"You're literally not a pedophile."

"But you're so fucking close."

"You're so close

to being a pedophile."

"But you're not. That's the magic."

"We did all the legal work,
and we can prove

that you're not a pedophile
because you read this."

[echoing] "But you're almost one."

"You're almost the worst thing
you could ever be."

"You're almost a tortured monster."

[cheerfully] "But you're not!"

"You're not!"

"You're not at all."

"Today is her birthday.
That's how close you are."

"Today is her birthday."

"But you're not a pedophile…

Eastern Standard Time."

-[loud laughter]
-[man] Whoo!

[applause and cheering]

Thank you very much, folks. Good night.

-Thank you.
-[cheering and applause]

["Move" by Miles Davis playing]

[cheering and whistling]

["Move" continues playing]