All language subtitles for Louis.C.K.At.The.Dolby.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO (2)

-Hey, what about
these germaphobes?

They can't shake your hand.

They got to give you
the fist bump.

You know what I do?
I grabbed their fist,

I hold it my armpit
for a count of six.

Come on.
[ Laughter ]

Dolby, come on.

The whole show's
gonna be like this.

The whole show.

Other comics use gimmicks
like ability, timing,

good material, talent, whatever.

None of that stuff in my show.

The whole thing -- pure panic.

Come on. My whole act
is a side effect of Moderna.

Let's party.

[ Laughter ]

If I took medication,
I would take Prozac,

Paxil, Zoloft
all at the same time.

Just walk around
super-antidepressed.

[ Snapping fingers ]

"How do you feel, Greg?
"Hip, hip, hooray!"

[ Laughter ]

High-five myself.
No friends. There it is.

Coming back.
Don't leave me hanging.

I got me.

Party horn.

[ Imitates horn blaring ]

[ Snaps fingers,
imitates horn blaring ]

[ Snaps fingers ]
Get it, man?

That's the paper thing
on the horn.

[ Imitates horn blaring ]

[ Laughter ]

I write these jokes myself.

Not too good.

I'm my own writer, my own agent,
my own manager,

my own financial advisor.

I'm driving the Greg Hahn
empire into the ground!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Uh, have we started yet?
All right, here we go.

Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd.

Headbutt. Oh!
A lot of stability out there.

A lot of stable people. You
know, couples, married people.

Compare that to me.

I travel around
like a circus freak!

Never married, no kids.
I date girls half my age.

You end up faced with yourself
in the mirror like,

"What are you?

Some kind of a genius?!

Whoo!

How am I pulling this off?
I'm 87."

[ Laughter, applause ]

I don't have
money to raise a kid.

I'm gonna need that cash
for hair dye and a new Corvette.

Come on.

[ Laughter ]

I'm shifting the Vette.
Don't call 911.

I'm shifting the Vette.

Corvette convertible.
Toupee flies off.

Boom.
Spare toupee. Bang.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

[ Snapping fingers ]

I'm gonna find
a wife tonight!

God, I wish I was out there
to see this right now.

I'm on fire!
I'm on fire!

I'm gonna sign a sitcom deal
after this show.

I'm gonna be rich.
All right.

I got to get out of here,
everybody. Thanks so much.

Come on. Let's get
this party rocking.

What a crowd. What a night.

Dolby Theatre. Hollywood.

Are you ready?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Without any further ado,

please welcome Louis C.K.

Come on.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

-Thank you.

[ Clears throat ]

All right, hello, there.

-Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]

-[ Laughing ] Hey.

Okay.

All right. I'm gonna talk
to you for about an hour.

And it's weird here.
It's weird, what I do.

Somebody asked me once
if it takes confidence

to -- Nobody asked me,
but I just wanted

to talk about this.

If it takes...

[ Laughter ]

It does take confidence
to do this.

It takes a -- not a general
confidence, but a specific kind.

You know? There's lots
of kinds of confidence.

There's personal confidence.

I don't have much of that.
That's...

Personal confidence is like
a man wearing white pants.

That takes, you know...

tremendous confidence

and optimism, really...

[ Laughter ]

...to leave the house
in white pants

like it's gonna be
a great day.

There's gonna be no puddles
or pizza, nothing.

[ Laughter ]

I could never wear
white pants

because I'll get my period,
first of all. I know that.

[ Laughter ]

Or diarrhea, more likely.

[ Laughter ]

Which is -- That's really
my period. Diarrhea.

About once a month, I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, here we go."

[ Laughter ]

"Better just get home.

And don't
make any big decisions today."

[ Laughter ]

It's true.
Don't make --

You know, if you have diarrhea,
don't, like, negotiate.

It's a bad
bargaining position.

If I have diarrhea, you stand
between me and the toilet,

I'll sell you my house
for 10 cents.

[ Laughter ]

So that's one kind
of confidence.

Here's another kind --
moral confidence.

Moral confidence. That means
knowing that you would

do the right thing,

knowing that
you wouldn't do something wrong.

Moral confidence.

You can have that
in your daily life

because a lot of your days
are the same.

But what if you were
in another time?

Like, I would love to believe,

I feel confident that
I would not have had slaves.

I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have done it.

I wouldn't have had any.

Even if I lived in 17-whatever
in Virginia

and all my neighbors had slaves,

I would have been like,
"You guys are dicks."

[ Laughter ]

I can say that.

But it's easy to say that now
because you can't get no slaves.

You just can't --
You can't get any.

That's why
you don't have slaves.

It's not because you're better
than back-then people.

It's because
they're not available.

That's a huge
contributing factor.

It's not a decision you need

to make every day, like
you're carrying your groceries.

"Ah, fuck. Maybe I should --
No, no, I better not.

But, geez, it would be easier."

[ Laughter ]
Because they're not there.

It's not like they have slaves
at Home Depot.

I mean, they kind of do,
but, yeah...

[ Laughter ]

...there are some forms

of kind of slavery.

You can get a Russian woman

to do whatever you want
because her family's hostage.

That's one of them.

But that's still temporary.

I mean, you could --
You could adopt, like,

a 12-year-old
from Bangladesh and...

[ Laughter ]

I mean, really.
He'll move into your house

and do your laundry and suck
your dick, whatever you want.

But even he gets to leave
when he's 18.

[ Laughter ]

Although who wants them
when they're that old?

I'm just saying.
Excuse me.

I'm just saying...

[ Laughter ]

...that slavery gets rebranded,

but it doesn't really
ever totally go away.

I mean, it's been part of
human history going way back,

way back, slavery.

Even the earliest civilizations
in Mesopotamia...

I don't know.
I didn't go to college.

I don't know anything.

But the earliest images
of human life

already had the guys going,
"Uhh!"

and the guy going, "Ahh!

[ Muttering ]"

How early did we come up
with this?

Like, from the beginning
of human existence,

we evolved, you know,
through ideas.

We were a scared, naked ape,
and then we were like,

"Make a fire.
That's a good idea.

Kill an animal and take his fur.

That's a good idea.

Plant things and then wait.

That's a good idea."

But really quickly
we came up with,

"Just make them fucking do it.
I'm not doing anything.

I'm doing nothing.
Make them fucking do it."

[ Laughter ]

That was, like, our third thing
we did on Earth.

[ Laughter ]

So, you can have confidence,

but you got
to be a little, you know.

I mean, there's things that
people did in history that I

wouldn't have done for sure.

Like, I wouldn't have made
an Auschwitz.

I wouldn't have done that.

What am I gonna do
with an Auschwitz?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, Auschwitz is not one
of those where you're like,

"It was the times, you know?"
It was...

[ Laughter ]

It was a horrible thing.

Obviously, Auschwitz --
horrible.

They killed people.
They killed children.

They killed little children
in Auschwitz

who could have grown up
and moved to Brooklyn

and hated black people,
and they didn't get to do that.

[ Laughter ]

It's terrible. I know.

I had a friend
who's a comedian in England,

and he made a joke
about Auschwitz.

And he got in a lot of trouble.

It was a big shitstorm.

And at one point,
Auschwitz tweeted...

[ Laughter ]

...about his joke.

It's true. It said, "Auschwitz"
with a blue check.

So it was like, "Oh, cool.
It's really them," you know?

[ Laughter ]

And they tweeted like,
"That's not funny."

[ Laughter ]

Why is the death camp tweeting?

[ Laughter ]

Who's running the social
accounts at Auschwitz?

"I got a summer job
at Auschwitz.

I'm running their Twitter."

[ Laughter ]

Moral confidence.

There's other ways to boost
your moral confidence.

Like, you can do good things.

Or, you know -- or not.

You can...
[ Laughter ]

You can help people
all the time.

You can help homeless people.

There's a lot
of homeless people here.

There's a shitload
of homeless people here.

I mean, not in here.

There's none in here.

[ Laughs ]

There's zero in here.

That's right.

They can't come in here.

[ Laughter ]

Even with a ticket,
they cannot come in here.

They're not allowed in
the places where we're allowed.

That's what we all agree on.

Everybody is like, "I don't know
what to do about the homeless,

but they're not coming in here.
They're not coming in here.

They're outdoor people.
They don't have..."

[ Laughter ]

If you don't
have your own indoors,

you can't go
in other people's indoors.

[ Laughter ]

They can't go where we go.

There's places where you'll
never see a homeless person,

like the airport.

There's no homeless people
at the airport.

You go to the bus station,
they're on the bus beside you.

But at the airport,
they can't even get to it.

They can't even get to it.

You've never seen a homeless
person in the airport.

You've never been at your gate,
and some guy's like, "Hey, man.

Trying to get to Tokyo.
Can you help me out?

[ Laughter ]

Can you give me an aisle seat,
brother?"

[ Laughter ]

And they're all over
the country. Everywhere now.

I've been on tour.
I've seen them everywhere.

I was in Phoenix, and it was
during the summer. 120 degrees.

And homeless people are just
standing at the intersection

with a sign, and they're just
[Imitates sizzling]

They're just cooking.

You can't even tell what race
he was before it burnt off.

[ Laughter ]

And he's holding a sign that
says, "Help. I'm on fire."

[ Laughter ]

But you, you're, like --
You're in a white BMW,

like, "I-I...
I can't.

Sorry.
There's glass here.

I can't help
because of the glass."

[ Laughter ]

And even here,
you drive by them.

In New York,
you walk right by them.

So in New York,
they're right there.

They're in your space,
they're in your world.

And you got to make a choice.

Every couple of blocks,
you got to make a choice.

You can help or not.
You got to keep shooting it.

You got to put a limit
on it somewhere because you're

not gonna help all of them
and you're not gonna help

any of them, really...

with a few bucks.

But there's always that --

Like, there's
a homeless guy who lives --

He doesn't live anywhere,
but, I mean, he's...

By definition, he's at large.

[ Laughter ]

But he's often seen.

[ Laughter ]

He's always on the corner
by my house.

Same guy every day.

And I walk past him
every day

on the way to the store.

I go to the same store
every day.

I go to Claire's. I don't know
if you know Claire's.

It's a jewelry store
for children.

[ Laughter ]

I go there every day.

I buy a handful of scrunchies,
and I run home.

Everything else, I buy online.

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, when I walk
by this homeless guy

in the morning,
he always goes,

"Hey, man, can you help me out?"

And I go, "Sure."

I give him 5 bucks,
and I go to the store.

Five minutes later,
I walk by, and he says,

"Hey, man. Can I --"

He doesn't remember,
which is fine,

but I don't want to give him
another 5 bucks, you know,

because I only have
a few million.

I don't know why.
I don't know why.

I clearly should.
[ Laughter ]

I don't know what makes me go,
"Mm-hmm-hmm.

You had your $5, young man."

[ Laughter ]

What? Am I gonna spoil him?

[ Laughter ]

You know what I was thinking
about today?

I was thinking about Jesus.

[ Laughter ]

I was. Today.

I was thinking about Jesus.

And after I came...

[ Laughter ]
...I...

I thought,

"Well, I feel sorry for Jesus."
That's how I feel.

I don't know how much
you know about Jesus,

but I feel fucking bad
for Jesus, man.

I do. He had a hard life.

I mean, the last day was
particularly difficult, but...

[ Laughter ]

If you look at pictures of him,

he had to wear
that -- that thong,

that fucking just dishrag
yanked up his balls.

Just [Groans]

carrying his cross like, "Fuck.

It's the rash."

[ Laughter ]

Some people say you should
live like Jesus.

Who can live --
He was insane.

[ Muttering ]

You can't live like that.

He had a weird life.
I'm reading about Jesus.

I have this book about Jesus.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna share it with you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.

This is a book about Jesus.

Actually, only this much
is about Jesus.

Only that -- just that part.

The rest of it is just the Jews
going like, "And then we

walked for 50 years
in the desert.

And we only had
a little bit of oil.

It was difficult."
It's just...

It's fucking verbose.

Just Jews.

It just goes on and on.

"And then Jacob
bought a goat, and...

[ Laughter ]

And Abraham lived to be 800."

Yeah, I bet
he fucking did, too.

[ Laughter ]

The Jews in the early chapters
are all, like, 800 years old.

And then God was like,

"I can't with these fucking Jews
for 800 years.

Heart disease starts today."

[ Laughter ]

So that's them.

And that's Jesus.

This little part's Jesus.

And the weird part
is, it's not all --

Like, it's all the same story
over and over again.

They tell the same story
about Jesus' life over.

First Matthew tells it,
and then Mark is like,

"Dude, that's not what --
You're fucking drunk.

Here's what happened.

[ Laughter ]
I'll tell you what happened.

Hey, Paul. You weren't even
here. Shut the fuck up."

[ Laughter ]

And I started reading it
because I never read it.

I was raised Catholic.

But they don't encourage you
to read, the church.

They don't. They don't
want you to read this.

You know? Jews read this shit
in Hebrew, and Baptists

sit down,
and they read together.

But the Catholics, they want you
to come in the building.

They want you to come in,
and they tell you.

And you're like,
"Can I read it?"

They're like, "No,
I'll tell you what happened.

Sorry. Put the book down."

[ Laughter ]

But it's interesting because
when you read the stories,

you know, you think of them
as lofty, kind of, like,

but some of them are just
basic life in Jesus' life.

Okay, here's one.

This is when he turned
water into wine.

This is his first miracle.
This is John Chapter 2.

Okay? Okay.

"And on the third day,

there was a wedding
in Cana of Galilee,

and the mother of Jesus
was there.

And both Jesus was called and
his disciples to the wedding.

And when they wanted wine,

the mother of Jesus
saith unto him,

'They have no wine here.'

[ Laughter ]

And Jesus saith unto her,
"Woman,

What have I to do with thee?"

[ Laughter ]

Just life.
Mary was a fucking alcoholic.

[ Laughter ]
He took her to a wedding.

"There's no fucking wine,
Jesus!

What am I supposed to do here
without wine?!"

[ Laughter ]

And he's like, "Mom!

Don't!"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, you know, the rest
of the story is that Jesus,

he's at the wedding.
They had no wine. The guy --

So Jesus went to the guy running
the wedding, and he was like,

"Look in the water barrel."
Like that.

Like a closeup magician.
"Why don't you take a look?"

[ Laughter ]

"Maybe it's not the Red Queen.
Go ahead.

Flip that card over.
What do you think?"

Told him to look in
the water barrel,

and he looked, and it was wine.

He had turned all their water
into wine. Everybody rejoiced.

Except the guy
running the wedding was

probably like,
"We did need some water."

[ Laughter ]

"It's actually
a bigger problem."

[ Laughter ]

I have a feeling
a lot of his miracles

were met with mixed...

Like, "Oh. Thanks.

That's great, Jesus.

Fuck."

[ Laughter ]

Like, Lazarus. Lazarus had been
dead for four days,

and Jesus comes to town,
and he says,

"Lazarus, rise,"

and Lazarus comes out of the
tomb like [Groans, coughs]

And Lazarus' wife is like,

"Are you fucking kidding me
right now?"

[ Laughter ]

But so, here's a story
that I want you to --

I want to read to you.

This story, I've never seen it
in a Jesus movie.

This story is not
in any movies about Jesus.

And it's not --

I never -- I never --
Until I sat and read this,

I never heard this story...

'cause it's weird.

This is the story of Jesus
cursing a fig tree.

Does anybody by applause
know of this story?

[ Light applause ]
Okay.

That's just enough
to make it clear this is true.

I mean, it's not --
Nothing's true in here.

But...

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.
I don't fucking know.

What do I know?
I wasn't there.

I'm just trying
to make it clear

that I didn't make it up.

[ Laughter ]

They did.

But, anyway, all right,
I don't know.

Okay, here's the story.

This is Mark Chapter 11.

It's when Mark went broke.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

"And Jesus entered
into Jerusalem.

And when he had looked around
about and seen all things

and the eventide was come,

he went out unto Bethany
with the 12."

Bethany was like a -- like
a suburb of Jerusalem.

So he went in Jerusalem.
You know, you see all the shit

downtown,
but you don't stay downtown.

You go to the Marriott
by the airport, you know?

That's what Bethany was.

Okay?

"And on the morrow
when they'd come from Bethany,

Jesus was hungry,
and seeing a fig tree

afar off having leaves,

he came to it, if haply
he might find anything thereon.

But when he came to the tree,

he found nothing but leaves,

for the time of figs
was not yet.

[ Laughter ]

And Jesus answered and saith
unto the tree,

'No man shall eat fruit of thee
hereafter

and forever.'

[ Laughter ]

And the disciples heard it.

And in the morning
when they passed by,

they saw the fig tree dried up
from the roots and dead.

And Peter, calling
to remembrance,

saith unto him, 'Master,
behold the fig tree

which thou dost cursedst

has withered away and died.'

And Jesus answered and saith
unto them,

'Have faith in God.'"

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck kind of
a Jesus story is that?

[ Laughter ]

"Hey, Jesus.
You killed the tree."

"That's right, motherfucker."

[ Laughter ]

What's the fucking point
to this story?

What is the moral?

Jesus just killed a tree.
He was hungry.

He was fucking cranky.

He was like, "There's no figs?
Fuck you, tree.

You're fucking dead,
you piece of shit.

I wanted a fig. You're fucking
dead. Watch this."

And the tree's like, "But
the time of figs is not yet.

I just --
It's just not yet.

I need another week.

You want fruit out of season,

go to Whole Foods,
you fucking Jew.

I didn't do anything."

[ Laughter, applause ]

You can't act like that, man.

You can't act like that.

You walk around
acting like that,

folks will nail you to a cross.
That's what they'll do.

They will.

You got to fucking cool it,
Jesus.

[ Laughter ]

He got a little, you know.

That's really what happened.

He got a little shitty.

A little big, you know.
He went to Jerusalem.

That's a big town
for a boy from Galilee.

And he didn't just walk
into Jerusalem.

He walked in,
and his friends were like,

"King of the Jews, y'all!

King of the motherfucking Jews!"

[ Laughter ]

The Jews didn't like that.

The Jews were like, "Not my
president. Whatever," you know.

[ Laughter ]

So they nailed him
to a cross.

This is what they did.
And this --

The weirdest thing
to me about Catholicism

and all Christianity is,
this image --

This image is the image

of the biggest,
most powerful religion.

The cleanest religion.

And it's a fucking dead guy

with nails just, ugh,
just blood.

And it's in every
polite room in the world.

Every nice, quiet place,
there's a fucking Jesus.

And the president and his wife,
and they wear pearls,

and then we always go
to look at the fucking...

It's just weird 'cause
it promotes nicely ideas, like

honor thy mother
and thy father,

'cause they die!

Aah!

It's just macabre.

[ Laughter ]

But I love it.
I love the image. I love it.

I was raised Catholic
my whole life.

I loved this image.
I'd stare at it.

Every time I go by a church,
if it's open, I go in

'cause
I want to see their Jesus.

They all have a different Jesus.
They're a little different.

Some of them,
he's really suffering.

And some of them, he's
just like, "[Clicks tongue]

Oh, well.

[ Chuckles ]

I really got myself
in a noodle this time, boy."

[ Laughter ]

Sometimes there's just a cross,

like, "Oh, fuck.
Where'd he go?

Jesus got away."

[ Laughter ]

But they're all different.

I was in a Korean church,
and I saw a Korean Jesus.

They had a Korean Jesus
with the...

[ Laughter ]

Don't get mad.
How else would I know?

It was just --
They were cringes.

Uhh!
Whatever. Whatever.

[ Laughter ]

Jesus looks different
everywhere.

Mostly Jesus
has blond hair and blue eyes,

which we know he didn't have,
but that's who won everything,

so they get to draw him.

The truth is, Jesus was black.

But you don't see that often,
black Jesus.

"Hey, man. Get me the fuck
down from here."

Whatever, all right.

[ Laughter ]

But everybody wants Jesus
to look like them,

so they make him --
They draw him to look like them.

That's why I don't
like that he's always skinny.

Jesus is always rail thin,
just fucking "Mm!"

"I've been doing Pilates for
months getting ready for this."

It's not fair.
You never see a fat Jesus.

I never one time saw, like,
just a fat Jesus...

[ Laughter ]

...with, like, ten nails
in each hand.

[ Laughter ]

He might have been fat.
We don't know.

I'll tell you
what Jesus was not,

is Korean.

[ Laughter ]

There's no Koreans
in Jerusalem in the year one.

[ Laughter ]

But I was raised Catholic, and I
ended up walking away from that

'cause I didn't like it.
You know why?

'Cause they tell you
you're going to hell.

And they tell little kids that.

You're 5 years old,

and the church,
with all its majesty

and all the buildings
and the clothes,

they go up to a 5-year-old,
and they're like,

"Oh, you're going to hell.

Oh, yeah.

You're going right to hell."

And you're 5, and you're
like, "What did I do?"

And the church is like,

"You know what you did,
you piece of shit."

[ Laughter ]

And you're going to full hell,
too.

There's no kids' hell,
you understand?

You're going right to the show.

If you're 5 years old, you
steal a crayon from your sister,

and then you lie about it,
you get hit by a truck,

you're roommates with Hitler.

There's no difference.
There's no difference.

They take you in a room,
and they're pouring hot lead

into Hitler's asshole.

He's like, "Aaaahhh!"

Nein!"

And then you walk in.
They're like,

"All right, step up.
It's your turn."

[ Laughter ]

Hitler's like, "Oh!

Good luck, little fella."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Poor Hitler, man.

I mean, at this point,

he's been down there
for 75 years.

He's probably nice now.

[ Laughter ]

Hitler's probably nice
to newcomers in hell, you know?

"Hi! Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What's that?
Oh, yeah. Okay."

[ Laughter, applause ]

I was so scared of hell
when I was a kid.

I remember when I found out
that gay people go to hell,

according to the church,

and I got scared
'cause I'm not gay,

but what if God thinks I'm gay?

[ Laughter ]

What if I come off
a little queer to the Lord?

[ Laughter ]

What if he happens to glance
at me

when I hit my toe
and I'm like, "Ow!"?

He's like, "Oh, I know where
you're going, you faggot."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, that's their thing.
I don't believe that.

God doesn't hate you
'cause you're gay.

God made you gay
'cause he hates you.

[ Laughs ]

No.
I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding.
There's no God.

[ Laughter ]

But you know
who I feel sorry for?

Who I really feel sorry for

is a gay man's sperm.

Just think about that.

That's a tough destiny.

[ Laughter ]

Being a sperm inside of
a gay man, that's hard luck.

'Cause if you're gay,
that's great.

But your sperm is not gay.

Your sperm is just excited,

like, "We're next, fellas.
Here we go."

[ Laughter ]

[ Imitates rocket lift-off ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Laughter continues ]

"Is that shit right there?"

[ Laughter ]

"Who shit
in this chick's pussy?"

[ Laughter ]

Now...

I was thinking
about my life today.

I was thinking about, like,
when I grew up, and....

I was raised in an orphanage

about a block
from my parents' house.

And...

[ Laughter ]

It's a joke.

My father is Mexican.

And my --
-Whoo-hoo!

-Mm-hmm.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes. Six of you here.

[ Laughter ]

My father's Mexican,
my mother is dead,

so I'm half dead
on my mom's side,

and I'm half Mexican.

A lot of people don't believe
I'm Mexican.

When I tell them I'm Mexican,
they say stupid things.

They say things like,
"How can you look like that?"

What do you mean, "how"?
Like, I'm trying to,

like, "Look, I'm not Mexican.

No.
I'm not Mexican at all."

Then I get a home,
like, "Señor."

[ Laughter ]

My parents, they got divorced
when I was about 10.

And I have kids now,

and their parents
are divorced, also.

And...

...I remember when
we told our kids

about that we were
gonna divorce.

If you get divorced,
you should tell your children.

[ Laughter ]

So we had to do it carefully

'cause they were 5
and 2 years old at the time.

So we had to put it in a way
that they could comprehend.

So I remember we sat them down.

And I said, "Okay, listen,
you know how you love your dog?

You love your dog.

Like, sometimes you give
your dog food from your plate.

You're not supposed to,
but you do that

'cause you love your dog.

Remember the other day
your mom and I were like,

'Don't give the dog any ham,'

but you did 'cause
you love your dog?

Okay, so that's why
we're getting a divorce.

[ Laughter ]

Because you don't listen.

[ Laughter ]

And we just can't take it
anymore.

It's just too hard
to not be listened to.

So we're gonna move
to separate homes

and each have you
for half the week

'cause neither of us wants to
have you all the time anymore.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, and it's very sad
because I love your mother

very, very much.

And she loves me so much.

But we hate you more."

[ Laughter ]

That's how we handled it.

You do your best, you know?

That's all you can do with
your kids. Do your best.

Nobody fucking knows
right from wrong.

When I was a kid,
they just taught us things

to just try to keep us
to just shut the fuck up.

Our morals were just,
"Shut the fuck up."

[ Laughter ]

Things like "slow and steady
wins the race."

They taught us that.

"Slow and steady
wins the race."

Really?
Does it win the race?

[ Laughter ]

You know what beats
slow and steady?

Fast and steady

kicks the shit
out of slow and steady.

Slow and steady beats
old and retarded.

That's about it.

Stop telling that to kids.

[ Laughter ]

A lot of what they teach kids is
just to make them polite people.

You know?
Like, they teach them

that there's words
you shouldn't use.

There's bad words.
Don't use the bad words.

I can't teach my kids that

because I do this
for a living.

But I didn't want my kids
to be, you know, assholes.

So I used to
tell them, like, "Okay, look,

there's no bad words.
There's no bad words.

All words are good,
bad, nothing.

But there's some people
that get upset

when you use certain words.

So if you're gonna use those
words, look at the person first

and try to guess if they're
that kind of person."

[ Laughter ]

Sometimes you can
offend somebody

when you weren't even trying to.

Like, there's certain --
certain phrases,

certain statements that if
you're gonna say them,

you should say them
without stopping in the middle.

Certain things,
if you're gonna say them,

don't clear your throat
in the middle.

Okay? You don't want
to say things like,

There
are too many black people...

[Clears throat]

suffering from discrimination."

[ Laughter ]

"We need to stop the Jews...

[Clears throat]

from feeling excluded."

[ Laughter ]

"I once fucked a baby...

[Clears throat]

and then I fucked him again."

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]
No.

So you want
to get through that one.

Otherwise,
people get the wrong idea.

They'll think you only
fucked that baby once.

[ Laughter ]

But it's tricky, you know.
If you're trying to teach

your kids right from wrong,
you got to choose a side often

because not everybody agrees
on what's right and wrong.

So how do you know?
You know? Like abortion.

Some people think it's
murder. Some people don't.

I personally --
I think people

should get abortions,
like, a lot.

Like, as many as you can.

You should try to get
a lot of abortions.

You know why?
'Cause it creates jobs.

More abortions, more jobs
for the doctors

and the nurses
and the Dumpster guy.

Everybody gets a job.
They have to work.

How are they gonna feed their
kids if you don't kill yours?

It's a whole -- It's -- You
got to think of everybody.

[ Laughter ]

Abortion is a big topic,
of course,

because Roe v. Wade
was overturned.

Roe vs. Wade.

Of course,
we all know what this is.

This was a court case.

Roe was a woman
who wanted an abortion,

and Wade was the baby, I guess.
I don't know.

[ Laughter ]
I don't know.

I'm just assuming. I never
found out who Wade was.

Wade must have been
the baby. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

But now that we don't
have that, every state has

to come up with their own law
based on how people feel.

They have to listen to people
and see how they feel.

I think most Americans
feel on average

the same thing about abortion.
They feel like people

should be able to get abortions
if they need them,

but, you know, just, uh, keep it
down a little bit. That's all.

Just...

Just go ahead,
but, you know, come on, come on.

You know, do it, but don't be
like, "Whoo-hoo-hoo!"

Like, just, you know.

[ Laughter ]

So we need a law that covers
that, that keeps it available,

but limits it.
Here's what I think

we should do.
Let's make this law.

You can get an abortion anytime,
anywhere.

But if you get an abortion,

you have to eat it.
I think that's fair.

Because that'll keep it --
That'll make you, "Hmm.

Fuck. I gotta eat it?

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]
I better do it soon."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Just trying to make
everybody happy, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Some -- Some Catholics believe

that contraception
is murder.

They think if you wear a condom,

if you stop a sperm
from getting to an egg,

you killed a possible baby.

By that logic,
I could say that any woman

that won't fuck me
is a murderer.

[ Laughter ]

Let me tell you, there's a bunch

of murdering bitches
out there.

But...

...murder
is a weird law structure.

Also, that is not a sentence.
Didn't make any sense, but...

murder should be simple
because it's a binary crime.

You kill somebody, or you don't.
They're alive, or they're dead.

It's one or the other.
But --

But the laws around murder
are a little murky.

One person could kill somebody,
get 100 years.

Somebody else gets 20.
Why? What's the difference?

Here's what they base
your sentence on with murder.

They base it on how you felt
when you murdered them.

That's weirdly important.

They say, "Okay,
you shot him in the face.

But what was up with you,
man? Like, what was going on?

[ Laughter ]
Like, come on."

I think if you murder somebody,

your sentence should be based
on how old the person

was that you murdered.

That should matter. How much
of their life did you take away?

Like, if you see
a 3-year-old girl in the park,

and you just kick her
to death...

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

It's a hypothetical.
Fucking grow up.

It's a hypothetical.

I'm not asking you
to go do that.

I'm just asking you
to just really imagine

just kicking a 3-year-old
till she's dead.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

If you kill a 3-year-old,
you should do a lot of time.

You should do a lot of time.

Unless she's got, like,
diabetes.

You got to work it all in.
But...

But what if...

What if you kill somebody
who's, like, 98?

He's 98, and he's, like,
in a hospice.

He's not even good 98.

He's in hosp--
You know what hospice is?

It's like a hospital where they
don't try to help you.

[ Laughter ]

And say there's a guy, and
he's, like, 98 in a hospice.

He's got --
He's got cancer

and AIDS and COVID.

[ Laughter ]

And he's like [Groans]

And they just unplugged him.
He's [Groans]

And right then, you walk in...

[ Imitates gunshots ]

[ Laughter ]

...shoot him right in the face.

You should get, like,
five minutes for that.

[ Laughter ]

I was thinking
about that today. I was.

'Cause I'm going to see
my dad next week.

And my dad --
Let me tell you something.

Okay?
My father is not in a hospice.

My dad is in a facility
being kept alive.

For whose benefit?
I don't get it.

It's just he's [Groans]

And they just put food in
and pbht and just...

"Come on! Keep going!"

Like, what does he have --
a secret he hasn't told yet?

[ Laughter ]

'Cause, look,
my mom just died.

She just died.

That's how it works.
By the way,

for you young people,
here's how life goes.

One of your parents
is gonna die,

and the other one is just never
gonna fucking die.

[ Laughter ]

They just will never
fucking die.

Ever.

And guess what.
It's not the one you wanted.

[ Laughter ]

Nope.

It's not the one you wish
to have kept.

It's not your good parent.

Nobody's got two good parents.

You have a nice one
and a shitty one.

And the nice one just dies

'cause that's
what nice people do.

"I'll just die. I don't want
to bother everybody."

[ Laughter ]

And the shitty one
just hangs in there.

[ Coughs ]

[ Wheezing ]

"Oh, shit.

Another day of this."

Why? What the fuck for,
the long life?

You can live too long,
I think.

You can live too long.

Some people are 100.
Get the fuck out of here.

[ Laughter ]

Nobody knows you.

[ Laughter ]

What, are you gonna run into
somebody? "Hey!"

[ Laughter ]

Some people are even older.
Some people are --

You ever read about
the oldest person in the world?

There's always an oldest person.

And sometimes you read
about them

because the other one just died.

That's when they tell you

that
there's a new oldest person.

Last one I read about was 114.

114.
He's a teenager after 100.

[ Laughter ]

You know what that means?

That means he's got a kid
who's like, 92...

who's like,
"Please fucking die.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just hanging around
so I can have one week

without you in it."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, here's the bad news --
You're gonna die.

Here's the good news --
When you get closer,

you're gonna want
to fucking die.

It doesn't keep being good.

You don't get to keep your life
the way it is. Like, I'm 55.

Both hands hurt.
Both hands.

Both my hips hurt.

I'm lucky I have
only one asshole.

The whole fucking body hurts.

When you're, like, in your 30s,
you don't even think about it.

You're like --
'Cause here's, like --

There's the beginning of your
life, and there's the end.

So, like, you start,
like, in your 3--

Like, you're in your 30s.
You're just shuffling.

You're not even aware
of this movement.

You're just shuffling along.
"Hey.

Life is good. Pretty cool."

And then somewhere
you're kind of aware

that way down there,
people are -- "Aah!" --

falling off the edge.
"Aah!"

"Oh. Yeah. Weird."
[ Laughter ]

And then you're not thinking.
Then all of a sudden,

you're close, and you're, "Aah!
Oh, fuck, I knew that guy.

Oh, my God. Holy shit."

[ Laughter ]

But there are signs
that your time

is coming to an end,
you know?

Like -- Like they don't
make my shampoo anymore.

They don't make it.

It's like, why'd you stop?
Like, you're the only one.

Nobody fucking cares about you.

[ Laughter ]

And so I thought, I'm like,
"I'm gonna make my own.

I'm gonna make
my own shampoo.

I'm gonna look it up online.

I'm gonna look
at the ingredients.

I'm gonna make my own."

And I found myself at a dinner
telling a table full of people,

"So I decided to
make my own shampoo."

[ Laughter ]

That's one of those moments
where you tell yourself,

"Just don't tell folks anything.

You don't need
to say it out loud.

Just do what you're doing.
Die as soon as possible."

[ Laughter ]

Do I have a huge stain?
Yeah, that's all right.

It's all right. So what?

Okay.

No, no, no. Who's running?

Oh, okay.

I thought they were coming
to bring me something.

There's nothing you can do.

You'd have to change
my whole lifestyle

for the rest of the show.

[ Laughter ]

It doesn't --
It doesn't matter.

I'm fat. I'm fat.
I'm a fat guy. I'm fat.

I'm fat. I -- My pronouns
are "that fat fuck" and...

[ Laughter ]

But here's the thing.
I have body dysmorphia.

I think I look good.

I like this. I'm fine with it.

I decided to stop exercising.

That's what
I decided this year.

I'm just not doing it anymore.
I made it to 55.

If I stop exercising now,

it just means
I might make 75 instead of 78.

It's not that big
a fucking deal.

I'm just not gonna do it.

You know, who inspired me
was Trump.

It's the one thing
he said that I liked.

I don't know if you've
ever heard this,

but Trump believes --

He just believes.
Nobody told him this.

But he believes
that you should

move as little as possible

because you have a finite amount
of movements

and then you just --
You stop.

He believes that. He just went,
"Yeah, that sounds right."

And he just thought it up.

And he's proving it
to be true.

I mean, it's fucking working.

I don't like the new exercise
either.

I don't like the Peloton,
you know?

It's a bike you ride,

and there's a video
that encourages you.

And they have that mirror
that you stand there,

and it teaches you
exercises.

Then they have that gun you put
in your mouth,

and you fucking...

[ Laughter ]

Nah.

No,
you shouldn't kill yourself.

[ Laughter ]

That's what I think.
You should not kill yourself.

That's my opinion.
I don't know you.

Ask somebody that knows you.

[ Laughter ]

But my general feeling is,
you shouldn't kill yourself.

You know why? 'Cause you're
gonna die anyway.

You're gonna die. What are you
getting violent for?

It's gonna happen.

"I wish I was dead."

You will be. Just sit there.

You don't have to do anything.

[ Laughter ]

It really is
the most effective argument

against suicide, is that you're
gonna die either way.

It also happens to be the
best argument for suicide,

which is awkward.

Go ahead. You're gonna die
if you don't.

[ Laughter ]

Anyway...

a friend of mine sent me
a porn the other day.

Folks can just send you
pornography now.

It was a porn.
It was two old men.

Like, really old guys,
really old.

And they were sucking
each other's cocks.

Like, really sucking
each other's cocks.

They were so old.
I was surprised

they were doing anything.
But there they were.

One of them is, like, sitting on
the edge of a bed, and his socks

have fallen, you know.

[ Laughter ]

And the other guy
is on his knees on a pillow.

And he's just fucking blowing
the guy.

Then they switch places.

I watched long enough to
see them switch places.

[ Laughter ]

And when the second guy
was done,

I called my friend and said,
"Why did you send me this?"

He said, "Because it's amazing."

And it really was, you know?
It really was.

I've watched it a few times

because it doesn't turn me on.

It's inspiring.

'Cause you're like,
"Go, fellas!"

'Cause you worry
about old guys.

You know, you see an old man
walking by himself

with just a grapefruit
in a plastic bag, you know?

You're like,
"Ah, shit, that's horrible."

Maybe he's going to suck
another guy's cock.

Life might be better
than you think.

[ Laughter ]

It's interesting 'cause
porn used to be like, you go

find your thing, you know.

But now you go to a porn site.
It's everybody's stuff.

You can put in a search word
to narrow it down,

or you can look around,

find new things.

I saw a fart porn one time.

So fart porn. I never thought
I'd be turned on by farts.

I'm not interested in farts.
Farts are okay.

I'm farting right now. I've
been farting this whole time.

[ Laughter ]

And I didn't want to watch it
'cause it was a fart porn.

It was 'cause of the title.
The title is what got me.

The title was
"Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."

[ Laughter ]

Who's not gonna watch that?

"Nice Girl Farts in Your Face."

So I click on it.

And there's this girl
standing there.

I'm like, "She is nice.
She's totally nice."

Just a nice girl
standing there.

Pink sweater with
little blue buttons on it.

And she's looking in the camera,
and she says,

"Hi. I'm so glad to see you."

I was like, "Wow."
She made me feel good, you know?

And then she turns around
like she's reaching.

She goes, "I got to show
you something, like, I bought,"

And she's reaching up,
and all of a sudden, pbht!

And I was like, "Oh, my God!"

I mean, it was in the title.
I knew it was gonna happen.

But I was like,
"Oh, my God!"

She just farted right
in my face.

She seemed so nice.

[ Laughter ]

But the best part is when she --
her reaction

'cause I thought
she would be like,

"That's right.
I farted in your face."

But she wasn't. She was like,
"[Gasps]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.

I can't believe that happened."

I've never been
that hard in my entire life.

I was so excited.

[ Laughter ]

'Cause I realized it's not
really about the fart.

It's about the shame.

It's about the sexy shame

of a truly nice girl
who just thunder farted

right in your face,
and she regrets it.

[ Laughter ]

Here's the worst part.

I can't find one
that good again.

I can't.
They're never that good.

I've been chasing the dragon
on this fart porn for months.

It's just always
some bored chick.

"Hello." Pbht!

Like, come on.

Tighten it up, would you?
A little bit.

[ Laughter ]

I have been dating recently.

Dating is not fun.
Dating's horrible.

Nobody wants to date.
Even if you meet somebody

and you really want to go out
with them and they say yes,

you're excited
in that moment,

but the day of the date,
you're like,

"I don't want to fucking do
this. I don't want to do this."

Every time I'm ringing
a doorbell to pick a woman up,

I'm like, "I hope she's dead
in there. I really do.

I hope something awful
happened."

I don't want to sit
in a place and breathe

unevenly for three hours
and just sweating

where your body.
is folded

and just, "Uh-huh."

[ Laughter ]

Do you ever have a date
that goes well?

It's, like, good
from the beginning.

You're like -- You get a little
laugh at the beginning.

"Hi. Ha ha."
Something funny.

And they both laugh.
Feels good.

You see you agree on stuff.

When you don't agree,
you laugh about it.

You're even able to be quiet a
little bit while you're eating,

and it's nice, feels
comfortable.

And then you drop them off.

You're like,
"I hope I see you again."

And she says, "I hope so, too."

And you feel like, "This
is something new in my life.

This is wonderful."
Then you go home.

And your wife is like,
"Where were you all night?"

You know,
and you're just fucking....

[ Laughter ]
But...

But I'm older now.

I'm divorced, and
I still

date mostly women who are
younger than me recently

'cause that's who looks better.

[ Laughs ]
No, no.

No, it's true.

But I'm not --
I don't like having --

I've always been with women
my age or older.

I was married to a woman
a year older than me

for ten years.
And that's always

been the way I've been.
But, you know,

there's some guys that have
to be with a younger woman.

There's -- There's cultures

that believe the man
should be much older.

Like, there's religions
that have, like, a formula,

you know? Like take
the man's age and subtract ten,

and then whatever else
you have to do to get to 12.

Just get to...

Just -- Just solve for 12.

[ Laughter ]

But I didn't suddenly get
interested in younger women.

What happened was,
I got older,

and they got interested
in me

'cause the younger women,
like older guys.

They just do. That's
the other part nobody says.

I don't do anything to get
younger women.

I just stand there like this,

and they see me,
and they're like,

"That would be so weird
to fuck that old guy."

[ Laughter ]

And then we get blamed.

The older guy
always gets blamed.

You see an older man
with a young woman.

Everybody's like,
"That guy's a pervert."

No, she's a pervert.

He's normal.
He likes pretty women.

She likes that.

[ Laughter ]

The fuck is wrong with her?

And they're weird.

I was having sex with this
woman, and she was about 35.

And we're in bed.
She starts calling me "daddy."

I was like, "Please don't,
young lady.

Please don't do that."

She said, "Why does it
make you uncomfortable

when I call you 'daddy'
during sex?"

Is it 'cause
you have daughters?"

I said, "No.

It makes me uncomfortable
because I have a father.

And I used to call him 'daddy'
when he fucked me.

So..."

[ Laughter ]

By the way,
thanks for laughing at me

'cause I got fucked by my dad.

[ Laughter ]

I was not laughing at the time

'cause I was coming,

because he fucked me good.

My daddy fucked me so good.

It's not his fault.
I made him do it.

I was such a brat.
I was 10.

I was like, "Daddy, fuck me!"
The poor guy.

He's like, "I know
I'm spoiling this child,

but I can't say no."

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much for coming.

I hope that you
enjoyed the show.

Thank you for coming.
Get home safe.

Thank you.
Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

♪♪