All language subtitles for paul_-2011-r_

That week, Black Gordon extended the
routine in Europe to the attack of

Hall, having proclaimed himself king of
two -match plans, offered John the

Hawkman the command of the army to
respond to the army's needs.

I'm on another planet with you.

With you Space travels in my blood There
ain't nothing I can do

about it Long journeys wear me out But I
know I can't live without it I know

I think I'm on another world With you
With you

I'm on another planet With you With you
I love it

here. You know, it feels so right.

Yeah. It's 5 ,339 miles from home, and
yet somehow I feel like we belong.

I know what you mean. I know what you
mean. I think this is probably the most

fun I have ever had, you know?

I'm so glad we came, Clive.

Clive?

May I? Be my guest, you.

I was over there on my own.

That there is a black vampire.

Watch out.

She bites.

How much?

$1 ,349 .99.

Are you going to get it? Fair enough.

I can't believe we're going to meet Adam
Shadowjar.

Is that the coolest man in the world?

Thank you.

Welcome,

my friends.

I just wanted to say that the Planetfall
trilogy has been a huge influence on me

and my work.

Don't tell me.

You're a writer.

I am, yeah.

Oh, good.

He actually won a Nebulon Award in 1992
for best science fiction short story by

a male under 16.

I'm working on a follow -up. Oh.

Oh, I'd love to see that.

Oh, not today. No, that's a legal thing.
I'm sure it's... I'm sure it's good.

That is wonderful.

Cover three tits.

Awesome. That was Graham, an upcoming
artist. My illustrator.

I'm hoping to complete it soon. I'm just
having a bit of trouble with the

ending.

Well, a wise man said you have to spin a
good yarn before you can weave a great

dream. Who said that?

I did. I just said that.

Move along, please, guys.

Yes. No, no.

Thank you.

Have you bought a book?

No. Then fuck off.

Let's get a picture of you, me and Adam.

Yes.

Yes.

Is that the RV place? Yes.

And there's definitely two single beds
because there's been a bit of a mix -up

at the hotel.

Okay, excellent. Thank you very much.

And have a nice day to you as well.

Is he here? He's in the car park.

You mean the parking lot?

I sure do.

It's my American voice.

It's amazing, isn't it? We're actually
here.

America.

Huh? How long have we dreamt about this?

Since we were kids.

Yeah. Now look at us.

We're all men.

Pizza!

Hi. Hiya.

Good evening, sir. Come on in.

Uh, where can I set these down?

Um, you can put it on the bed, or, uh...
You guys on honeymoon?

No.

No, we were just friends.

We had a mix -up. The reservations were
messed up. Probably on the table. I have

no clue.

Going on a road trip, huh?

Yeah. Well, you know what?

Better way to follow Comic -Con than a
tour of America's most famous UFO

hotspots.

Huh?

You know, we're going to area 51 in the
black mailbox in Nevada, then down to

Camp Verde, then to Apache Junction, and
then on down to Roswell, New Mexico for

the site of the famous crash of 47.

Ah, no, everybody knows about it. Stop
it.

It's an alleged site at this point. But
why would they admit there was a crash

if the crash happened somewhere else?
Let's just... Agree. Agree to disagree,

all right? Again.

Do you believe in aliens?

What do you mean, aliens?

I'll get rid of the map. Get that out of
your way.

The worst thing.

We should turn in. We've got an early
start in the morning. Yeah.

What do you think you're going to dream
about?

The open road, high adventure, that kind
of thing.

You? Wonder Woman.

Please don't. Okay.

You ready? Yeah.

Okay. And three, two, one.

What an amazing con.

That, my friend, was just the beginning.

Here you go.

That's not ours.

No?

No.

That's ours.

That one?

Oh.

People!

Alien on board.

Alien on board, please.

Okay.

If you're sure.

So, how was Comic -Con?

We met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?

Oh, he wrote the Venusian Pangenitus.

I didn't read that one.

Jenny Starpepper and the Great Brass
Hen?

No. The Robot's Mistress?

No, I like romances.

What kind of a romance?

Between a woman and a machine?

Uh, yeah.

I hear that.

Do you get a lot of UFO types around
here?

Some.

You believe?

Oh, yes, I do.

But a lot of strange happenings in these
parts.

I'd be ashamed if we were the only souls
in the universe.

Well, probability alone suggests not.
You know, there are 200 billion galaxies

in the observable universe.

Well, makes you think, doesn't it?

What?

Where is everybody?

Boo! Oh, gotcha.

So you fellas set, or can I get you
something else? Oh, I think I would like

refill of coffee, please, Pat. All
right, then. Have a cheap pumpkin.

Uh, can I have an E .T. malt, please?

Mmm, you want that with a sparkler?

Uh, I will take that as a yes.

I think I might do a toilet.

Very funny.

What?

I don't know you.

How do you think that makes me feel?

Be rude to me.

Eddie, an alien just sit up in my palm.

Hey,

I'm joking.

They've got a soap dispenser in there,
shut like an alien's head. It's

brilliant. What?

Here it comes.

What is this, some kind of gay bar?

No, just a place where you can get a
bite to eat and maybe share a close

encounter. Yep, sounds like a gay bar.

Oh, no. With his friends.

So, uh, you guys look like you could do
with a couple beers.

You go do that.

All right, you do that.

Pretty much.

What are you doing?

Don't you put those queer eyes on me. I
forgot the sticker.

What took you so long? I was putting the
sticker on.

Hey, they're not pale, are they? Yeah.
Definitely not my kind of people.

Yeah.

I doubt very much we'll be seeing them
again.

That wasn't their truck, was it? No.

Should I go and have a look? No.

Do you remember when we Googled it on
your mum's computer and the phone rang

you thought it was the FBI?

I didn't really think it was the FBI.

You started crying.

I had jet lag.

We'd only been to Brussels.

Do you want to stand next to it?

Yeah.

Smile.

Hey, imagine if we got buzzed by a
craft.

It'd be amazing, wouldn't it? Yeah. It
just kind of hovers over us and then all

the coins in our pockets go magnetic and
then we get sunburned and it just goes

up really quickly.

What would you do if they actually
landed?

Well, I mean, first contact is a big
responsibility, isn't it?

They come in piece, we go to pieces.

That's not our role.

Do you

think

that's those men?

like deliverance they're gonna rape us
and break our arms i don't want my arms

broken i need the toilet you've just
been you know i've got a child you

let me get past what you want me to do
random or what about the deposit

it's not there it's not there it's not
there oh my

god

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Put the phone down.

Oh, fuck me.

What have you done to him? I didn't do
anything to him. He fainted.

Yeah, but you made him faint.

Yes, but it's not like I set my phaser
to faint.

No, I don't. Look, listen.

Hey, I really need your help, okay? Can
we get this guy back on your wagon?

Are you an alien?

To you, I am, yes.

Are you going to probe us?

Why? Does everyone always assume that?
What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts?

How much can I learn from an ass?

I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Graham Willey.

And what's his name?

That's the writer, Clive Gollings. Okay,
cool. I'm Paul.

Paul?

Yeah, it's a nickname that's stuck. My
ship crashed on a... Dog, it doesn't

matter! Look, can we get the writer
Clive Gallings back on the RV and get

hell out of here, please?

I can't get... I'm in a hell of a
pickle, and if you don't help me, I

on this road tonight.

I don't know, we're on quite a tight
schedule.

Man, sometimes you just gotta roll the
dice.

What do you say?

Hey, perfect, great, okay. Help me, help
me grab him.

This man's peed his pants.

Yeah, he's got child's bladder.

Oh, fantastic.

Doesn't this thing go any faster?

Well, I'm sorry, the speed limit's 70,
so... Well, screw the speed limit.

Actually, no. Ooh, yeah.

Don't screw it.

That's good thinking, okay?

Think it's ambiguous.

That's good. How come I can understand
you? Are you using some sort of neural

language router?

Actually, I'm speaking English, you
fucking idiot.

That's not nice. That was mean.

Look, I'm a little tense. I was just
involved in a major car crash.

Get up with your fuckles. I can't reach
the pedal. My legs are too little. I...

I had to use the parking brake, okay?

I'm sorry.

You're in shock right now.

I understand this must be very weird for
you. Just act normal and drive north,

okay?

As much distance as we can between us
and the big guy.

Zoyle, what's happening?

He's gone.

Shit. Looks like he hitched a ride, too.

What do you mean?

Tire tracks.

Bastard jacked a native?

Could be two.

Don't you think this is all a bit of a
coincidence?

Are you suggesting you knew?

Little fucker might have phoned home.

There might even be a rescue party on
the way.

Zoyle, we need to break out the big
guns.

Do you think that that's wise? The last
thing we need is...

A hoo -ha.

Maybe you're right.

Listen, I got two rookies on a special
mission. 75 clicks north of you.

I'll have them set up a roadblock.

These are just civilians.

Why don't you let me take care of it?
You might need the extra muscle.

Just keep them in the dark. I don't want
any loose ends.

These roads can be treacherous at night.

People get in accidents all the time.

I like your thinking.

Get it done.

We just got reassigned.

Nice.

What about the sandwich?

She said we could share it. Oh, I love
this job.

Mm -hmm.

Pistachios.

I hate when you get a closed one, right?

I usually just bite them.

No, you don't do that at all. You tap
them. If they don't open on their own,

throw them away.

No, that's muscles.

No, it's pistachios.

Who are you? A little stump. He's okay.
He's fine. He's friendly.

His name's Paul.

And he has Uncle Paul.

What's that going on?

You're a psychotic nerd.

Listen, Paul is from a small M -class
planet in the northern spiral arm of the

Andromeda galaxy.

Thank you. He looks too obvious.

There's a reason for that, Clive. Over
the last 60 years, the human race has

been drip -fed images of my face on
lunchboxes and T -shirts and shit. Just

case our species do meet, you don't have
a fucking spaz attack.

I do not have a spaz attack! Don't do it
again!

Get your fucking fingers out of there!
If I get a dwarf infection, you're dead.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Paul.

Paul?

Okay, okay, this could be it.

So, what are we looking for again? I
don't know.

What brings you to the USA?

Uh, we're on holiday.

We've been to Comic -Con.

Comic -Con?

Don't tell O 'Reilly. He loves that glee
shit.

You guys know Benny Hill?

No.

Oh, my God! Look at this!

What? Look at this!

What?

These guys have met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild?

He wrote the Jupiter Praxis.

What? Jenny Starpepper and the Huge
White Gibbon.

Huh?

Night of the Moths.

Speaking English.

What was he like?

He was a bit intense.

Oh, he's an artist.

Let me see this.

What is this, nerd porn?

No, that's Clive's. It's my novel.

Okay.

Three tits.

That's awesome.

You guys should have given her four
tits.

That's just sick.

I was just saying.

How do you think this is it?

Doubtful. What else did you find in
there? Not much.

Just some fizzy jeans.

Okay,

you guys can go. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

May I ask what you're searching for?

No.

Come on, Grant.

Way to go, Dirty Harry.

Yeah, that was all right, right? All
right? That was great energy, man. Yeah,

yeah.

That's right.

It was like, hey, not bad.

No, you're thinking about it too much.

You think so? Oh, God.

Don't shake on your boots.

It's pretty obvious what happened there,
isn't it?

Is it?

The government used some kind of
neurotoxic paint on the blackmail box.

Caused us to suffer a shared
hallucination about an alien. It makes

sense.

Your dick is gone.

Your balls are gone.

Oh, no.

What?

Come on, crow up.

You guys see my shorts?

How did you do that? How did you go
invisible?

Oh, it's a camouflage response.

Well, like Predator.

Exactly. Although I can only do it while
I'm holding my breath. But you can do

it any time you want.

Any time.

That's just like him.

Am I the only sane person here?

It's all right for you, isn't it?

You'll go back to Area 51. We'll be
arrested for harboring a fugitive and

to Guantanamo Bay.

Why don't I go make some bagels and
coffee?

Leave you two alone.

What's the matter, Clive?

There is an alien in the kitchenette
making bagels and coffee.

Did you want tea?

No, I don't want tea.

Right, because tea is weird in America,
right?

They leave the bag in. What's weird,
Graham, is the fact that we have picked

an extraterrestrial hitchhiker and you
seem completely fine with it.

Marbles and coffee.

Ooh, Marmite.

Look, he said his life's in danger. He
needs our help, you know? I mean,

sometimes you've just got to roll the
dice.

What if we wake up and find him
inserting a probe into our anus?

But apparently they don't do that.

Anyone want one of these?

Anyone? Huh?

48? 49?

It be coming.

Ready or not, bitch.

Where's the other one?

I don't know, sir.

Uh...

We were just playing hide -and -seek
because we had a lot of time. Oh, yeah.

I was hiding.

You have any traffic through here?

No, just a couple of hillbilly types and
two nerds in an RV.

Nerds, huh?

Yes, they're coming from Comic -Con.
They met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild?

He wrote Prison Hulk 441, okay?

Jenny Starpepper and the Spitting Worm,
right?

Fluxing Uranus.

You know you're a grown man, right?

Probably shave, pay taxes, have pubic
hair.

All of those things.

Did you search that vehicle?

Yes, sir. What'd you find?

Nothing much, just a book with a green
woman with three titties. Titties, three

titties. Three tits, that's awesome.

Oh, and some pissy jeans.

I pissed on myself. I don't know if you
had to close that. Pre -existing

problem.

Listen to me, frickin' fuck. I want
everything you can remember about the

nerds, okay?

We're leaving.

What about the roadblock, sir?

It didn't work.

We got to take down that roadblock,
didn't we?

It's standing right next to you.

Hey!

Reese's Pieces!

Yes? Thank you.

Heard there was a commotion on the road
after Ray King.

Funny I didn't hear nothing.

Yeah, let's spin the boys out of the
base.

Yeah.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

Put it all back.

Except for the donuts and the chocolate
milk.

And the burritos.

Cheetos and burritos.

What about Paul's Reese's Pieces? Start
it up.

Please.

No, he doesn't.

No,

you go right ahead. Oh, sure. Thank you.

That beast outside yours?

What? What do you mean, police?

We haven't... Your RV?

Oh, the... Yes.

The RV is... Yes.

Where are you boys from?

England and... I heard about it.

No guns?

Not many. No, not really. Just, you
know, farmers.

Well, how are police supposed to shoot
anybody?

Well, they don't... They try not to.

Um, 20.

Keep the change.

And, uh, give it to the charity or
something.

Amazing, Graham!

That cop didn't suspect a thing!

And, Clive, you didn't pee your pants.

I don't mean to be a stick in the mud,
but you are asking a lot of us, all

right? We've only just met. We don't
know where we're going or why.

You not think we'd do an explanation?

Look, the less you guys know, the
better. I want you to have plausible

deniability.

Let's just say I spent a long time at
that base thinking I was a guest.

Turns out, I was a prisoner.

But don't worry, I got it all under
control.

Fuck,

that made me jump.

Poor little thing.

You could have done, mate.

What are you doing?

Just watch.

It's a miracle!

Man, I'm going to miss these.

Why would you do that?

I'm not going to eat a dead bird, am I?

If

you

think about it, it's time travel.

Let me see, let me see. No, just sit
still.

You going to draw me like one of your
French pearls, Jack?

I'm joking.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just don't make me
look fat, okay?

Earth's gravity adds ten pounds.

Paul, could I ask you a question?

Sure.

Um...

Have you ever done that to a person?

Yes, I've eaten many people.

I'm joking, big guy. Relax. No, I mean,
you know, fix them.

Oh, no, not a dead person. Recently dead
bird, that's one thing. Dead person,

whole other ballgame.

It's actually really dangerous for me.
The damage can actually bounce back onto

me.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I boring you? Have you
heard this one before?

Are you tired, Sausage?

Don't call me that in front of him.

Are you tired, though?

Thank you. I'm bushed. You know what?
We're all tired.

Let's just pull over and stop for the
night, huh?

We're fugitives, Paul, all right? I
refuse to just sit around and wait to

fingered by the men in black.

Look, we've just got to find somewhere
quiet and we're going to draw attention

to ourselves.

But where are we going, Paul?

Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

Two white guys. Two strange white guys.
Order anything weird?

Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate?

Report. We've tracked him to a gas
station in Ely. We think he may be

in an RV with two men from England.

New England?

Old England.

Creepy. What are they, MI6?

Negative. Discover nerds in the land
from Comic -Con.

My sister's kid went to that.

Little MAGA faggot.

Doyle, something doesn't feel right.

either back in his fishbowl or dead
ASAP.

I'm closing in. I can feel it. In 24
hours, he's going to wish he never set

on planet Earth.

Good.

Here we are. This is the place.

Yeah, this looks good.

It doesn't look like anyone's been
murdered here.

Hopefully quiet.

Quiet's good, Graham.

Quiet's our friend.

Hi there.

There's a girl outside.

Okay.

We're just a couple of regular guys on a
tour of the less touristy side of the

American Midwest.

I don't think she heard you.

Hi.

I'm Ruth Buggs.

Good evening, Ruth.

I am the writer, Clive Golling. This is
my friend and cohort, Mr. Graham Willey.

Have you got room?

Sure. Yeah, Park and Bay 9.

It's $25 a night, including hookups, and
I'll need an ID to hold on to.

Just a couple of regular guys on a tour
of the less touristy side of the

American Midwest.

How exciting.

There you go. It's my passport.

The UK.

I love the UK.

Have you been?

No. You should go.

No, no, I meant you should go to London.

There's a lot of places I want to go.

Well, I'll be by in the morning to get
your money. Have a pleasant evening now,

won't you? Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

And you. Bye.

She was lovely.

Let me just marry her, then.

What

took

you so long?

I was just talking, Papa.

You talk too much.

Sorry, Papa.

Hello.

Want a cigarette?

No, thanks.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

You and Graham, you guys, uh... What?

You know You know

you guys two guys

I'm

kidding me

No! Why do people keep saying that?

No, I was just wondering.

Totally cool if you are.

Everyone's bi on my planet. I mean, it's
all about the pleasure thing.

You know what I'm saying?

Why are you here, Paul?

Oh, uh, I was here on a science mission,
actually, and then I had some spaceship

-related problems, and I kind of
crashed.

Lucky for me, though, this little girl
pulls me out of the wreck. Next thing I

know, guys arrive.

Cart me off to the base.

What have you been doing all this time?

You know, I've been kicking back, man.
I've been shooting the shit. I've been

advising the government.

Not just the government.

I wanted to have some kind of a special
power, you know what I mean? Something

messianic. Okay, Steven.

How about cellular revivification?

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

Oh, restoration of damaged tissue
through telepathic manipulation of

field memory.

What's that mean?

It means healing, Mr. Spielberg? Yeah,
right, healing. Yeah, like by touch or

something like that. Like maybe his
finger lights up at the end when he

out and touches?

Maybe. You know, sometimes I find
lessons more.

Hey, trust me.

You'd be surprised how much he's
influenced popular culture over the last

years. Agent Mulder was right. Agent
Mulder was my idea.

Really? Wow. Yeah!

That's cool.

Ooh, pump that shit, Earthman.

I like this song.

Hmm, Marvin.

boy.

Come on.

Break it down a bit, boys.

Don't be afraid.

Yeah, look at me. I'm breaking it down.

Use them tongs.

Dance with those tongs.

Stoke the fire.

Stop it.

What are you doing? Oh, shut up.

I'll hide in here.

Don't come out. Why would I come out?
Who is it? It's Ruth.

Oh, don't you dare open that door. Hi.
Hi.

Good morning.

May I come in? Yeah. No, come on in. No,
I think you should come in.

I'm not really dressed.

You need to come.

Oh, is everything okay?

Yes, it was. It was very nice.

The best, I think. Adequate. So where's
the other one?

The other one?

Oh, it's okay. We don't charge by the
person.

There were three shadows I saw dancing
around the RV last night, right?

The other one.

I'm in the can. I ate a closed
pistachio.

I'm paying for it.

It's a nice T -shirt.

Oh, thanks. I got it at my church.

It's Jesus shooting Charles Darwin.

Why would Jesus want to shoot Charles
Darwin?

Because of his blasphemous theories.

Are you men of God?

We're men of science.

You know, we believe in the
establishment of a biological order

maelstrom of physical and chemical
chaos.

God created the earth in six days, and
on the seventh day he rested.

Really?

Or it could be God. You don't know, do
you? It's up in the air. The world is 4

,000 years old and can only be the
product of intelligent design.

Oh, that's horseshit!

Um,

all right. Well, then, please explain
how something as complex as the human

simply just comes into being.

Oh, don't give me that old irreducible
complexity crap. Thank you. Something as

intricate as that does not just occur
without the intervention of a guiding

hand. It didn't just... occur, it is the
culmination of billions of years of

development across countless fucking
species.

What are you talking about?

Evolution, baby.

Oh, blasphemy.

Oh, yeah. Nothing that you can say or do
can shake my belief or faith in the

short and certain knowledge that God
made heaven and earth and created us all

his own image.

His own image? Well, I got a question.

How do you explain me?

She's gone. She's gone. Catch her.

And that's Jenga.

Why did you do that?

She fainted. We've gone through this.
Yeah, but we're going to have to take

with us now. No.

No. This is America.

Kidnapping a Christian, that's worse
than harboring a fugitive. Yeah, but

seen you.

If we leave her, then she's going to
call the police.

It's a shit. No one's going to believe
this God -bothering cyclops. Let's just

dump her on the road.

Just roll her up in the rug. No, we
can't risk that.

If we take her with us, then we can get
her outside.

Yeah, you'd love to get her on our side,
wouldn't you?

That doesn't make sense.

Look, she'll be fine. We're quite nice.

All right.

What about my passport?

What in the Lord's name?

Morning. Morning.

That's actually small on my planet.

Hello,

Ruth.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Hey, look who's awake.

Demon!

Demon! No, we're sorry, okay? We're
sorry. We're not going to hurt you, I

promise. And we'll let you go just as
soon as we can.

You've been deceived by an agent of
Satan himself.

He's evil! I'm sitting right here. Come
on. No, no, he's not evil. He's just a

bit rude. You know, we're trying to help
him get home.

Um, he's from another world.

There's only one world, our world, the
world that our God the Father created.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, my
existence only disproves traditional

notions of the Abrahamic Judeo
-Christian God, as well as all one

theology. That's all I meant.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that
saved a wretch like me. Just listen to

me for one second, please. If you could
just calm down.

I can't drive like this.

Fuck this.

I just transferred my collective
knowledge and experience via tactile

psychokinetic bridge.

Oh, wow. Did you do me?

It really takes that out of me.

Oh, go on, please.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

He always knew what was going on in
Battlestar before me because his mum had

cable. All right, pull over.

I'll do you.

Absolutely not. No spoilers.

I didn't call the government. I called
the police.

This is not the police's area of
expertise, Mr. Buggs.

That devil took my daughter.

What do you mean, devil?

And your daughter's name is Ruth, is it?

That's right.

I brought her up by myself after her
mama died.

You have a photograph of Ruth, sir?

Yeah. She's pretty easy to spot. She's
had this eye thing since she was four

years old.

Didn't want to take her to a doctor for
that?

Good Lord's the only doctor she'll ever
need.

Copy that.

Do you have a phone here that your
daughter might try to reach you at if

decides to call? Yeah, in the back.

Hey, Peter Parker, want to put the
snappy down and get the phone?

She'll call me if she can.

You mentioned they went to you.

That's right.

They'll get off the 191 after Flamin'
Gordon's the end on the interstate.

There's been a business built up in
Dutchtown. That means they'll be on the

44th, the only way to go. Here we go.

Boys, to the car.

Thank you very, very much for your time,
sir.

Promise me you'll heal that thing, Mr.
Zoll. Kill it for what it is.

We're going to do our best.

I've seen it, Josh.

It's evil.

Godspeed, Mr. Zoll.

Verse 48 are crucial.

Sir,

I tell you that's what we're looking
for. Yeah, what are we looking for?

I told you this is a need -to -know
operation.

Yes, sir, but...

I think it's time you tell us.

Hey, just do what the fuck I tell you,
Packard. Now let's go find that crazy

bastard's little girl before it's too
late.

Ruth, wait!

Leave me alone!

Please, please stop. I've got shin
splints.

He cannot be from space. It's not
possible.

Okay? He's from somewhere else.

You saw it for yourself, okay? He showed
you. There's probably billions of

intelligent civilizations out there.

So where is everybody?

I... But one of them's there.

Are they looking? Are they looking?

Are they looking right now?

Sorry.

That's pathetic.

What's your beef, Clive?

I don't have beef.

I am from outer space.

Your science fiction writer. We should
be best buds.

It's not you.

It's me.

Is that what this is? You're jealous of
her?

It's not just that.

This is because me and Graham got, like,
two minutes of FaceTime while you were

sleeping? Is that what this is? I wanted
this to be special, you know?

I have dreamt about meeting you ever
since I saw Mac and me, and I blew it.

Now, you two are friendly, and he's off
talking to girls, and it's like, where

am I?

Come on, man.

This is special.

You guys being all nerdy and shit and
meeting me, I mean, that is fate.

Who cares?

Man, when I first got here, first time I
saw a human, I puked.

You guys are weird -looking. You have a
giant body. You have tiny, little tiny

heads. You're just being nice now.

No.

Look, you want a little sugar?

It's just knowledge and experience, man.
You're a writer. It might give you some

inspiration.

Yeah.

Only if you struggle.

that I have been told my whole life is
just a big, fat lie.

Do you know how that feels?

No, look, just because your truth isn't
a true truth doesn't mean there is no

truth, Ruth.

That's easy for you to say.

It's really not.

So there's no heaven, no hell, no right,
no wrong, no sin.

I can drink. If you like.

I can fornicate.

Maybe. I can curse.

Oh, yeah.

Penises. Ruth.

Asking hairy boobs, poop, farting
potholes. Ruth, I'm not sure this is

What are you doing?

Stop it! Why? Why should I stop?

This is not... Because you have your
whole life to explore new

things, okay?

Doesn't necessarily mean you should be
exploring mine right now.

You said you wanted to travel, all
right, to see, like, new stuff. This is

chance. I really think you should come
with us.

Where would I sleep?

I'll sleep on the sofa, and then you can
have my bed.

You know, but I push the tissues off
with a pen, if I were you, because I've

a cold.

Oh.

Ruth has decided that she would like to
come with us.

Wicked. I'm going to go freshen up.

Hey, Ruth.

Wait up.

You don't smoke.

I just wanted to say thanks. I know this
has been weird for you, but you saved

my life and I owe you one. Okay?

Okay.

What do you got there, by the way?

Severe epiretinal membrane complicated
by macular edema in your left vitreous

cavity? How did you know that?

Lucky guess.

Do you mind if I take a look at it for
one second?

What does it say in the Old Testament?

An eye for an eye?

Wait, I don't... It's okay. You can
trust me. I don't know.

Just have a little faith, okay?

How did you do that?

Evolution, baby.

Um, Graham? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

What are you going to do? Come on.

Make your mark.

Oh, shit. Damn it.

Hey, check it out. Check it out.

Huh? Easy.

All right.

Smoke light. Smoke light. Get with the
race!

Hey

there,

sleepy face.

Fuckaroo, that was the best titty
-farting sleep I have ever had.

Uh, I got a feeling that you're new to
cursing, Ruth.

Look, cursing's fun. You just gotta pick
your moments, okay?

Hey, maybe we should start with some
food. Is anybody hungry?

Fuck yeah.

Ruth? You bet your big fat cock I am.

Nice.

I'm starving.

What's new, fatty?

It's not fat, Paul. It's power. Fat
power. You're rude.

Maybe I should call my dad.

What? What? Why?

I've been gone for a whole day, and if
he calls the police, they're going to be

looking for us.

If I don't, there's a good chance we
could all end up in shit -butt city.

You're really getting the hang of us.

Thanks, Dick Milk.

It won't be long.

Okay. Be careful.

Ruth Boggs?

Yes? Listen to me carefully. I want you
to tell me where you are.

Who is this?

My name is Agent Doyle, and it's very
important that you tell me where you are

and where you are headed in this bus.

I can't tell you. I mean, I don't know.

You've been abducted, and the individual
that you're traveling with is highly

dangerous. Oh, no, he's not dangerous. I
mean, he's kind of rude. He curses a

lot. And a couple times I've seen him
scratch a spaceman's ball.

Please listen to me. Your father is
extremely worried about you, and we'd

to get you home, Ms. Buggs.

He showed me things.

She's talking about a space fan, boss.

You know I'm just trying to help you,
right, Ruth?

I just, I don't know what's real
anymore. I'm confused.

We got the bitch! Yeah, dog, I'm fine!
Damn it, Hacker!

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down there, baby!

Excuse me, I have to get to my friend.
Whoa!

You know, I've got a friend down here
that loves to meet you.

Me too.

Hey, well, as much as I would like to
meet your penises, I'm in a hurry, so...

Ah, this won't take long. Sure.

No, it won't take long at all.

Well, since you're both being so
romantic, maybe I could give it just a

hello. Hey, what's up?

Why would you... Hey,

hey! Hey, how's your dad?

We gotta go, we gotta go. Are there any
pizzas?

We gotta go! No you don't!

Holy shit!

It's the space faggot that dinged the
fuckmobile!

Yeah, we were just leaving. We were just
leaving, I don't feel well.

If it's to me, I'll talk to them.

Yo, fuck nuts.

It's probing time.

Huh?

Only one of us fainted.

Shit, the 5 -0, let's bounce.

I'm sorry.

They answered the phone.

They knew about us.

Get in the RV.

We need to get off the road.

Shouldn't we keep moving?

No. That is exactly what they'll expect
us to do. Trust me.

Only an idiot would stop right now.

Yeah, pull in here, pull in here. What?

We're idiots, remember?

What should we do now?

Well, how about a hot chocolate in bed?

What are you, my grandma?

I couldn't sleep.

I'm too pumped.

Yeah, me too. Let's get some beers, find
somewhere to chill.

What do you say?

What if someone sees you?

Stand out there, and I can do this.

Okay,

I'm in.

Rocky? Sure.

Bullwinkle?

Well, I'm a little bit tired.

Don't be a pussy.

Something I can help you with? Yeah, you
mind telling me what happened here?

Good old -fashioned beer -soaked slobber
knocker. See anything unusual?

A couple of hillbilly types in the back
of that meat wagon won't stop crying.

Have you gentlemen seen anything unusual
this evening?

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm -mm.

Are we sure?

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Thank you.

What?

It's a nice window.

A little cowboy in there.

I thought it was funny.

It was when you kissed me yesterday.

Sorry. No.

I was like, get off me, you rapist.

Do it again if you like.

What?

I said you can do it again if you like.

Really?

If you're going to try it, then maybe
you should do it with a friend, you

rather than someone like a stranger,
because...

You know, there's a lot of weirdos out
there.

Well, I am planning on doing a lot of
kissing and fornicating, so you'd really

be helping me out.

Great.

Oh, what, did you make me do one now?
No, I thought you meant... No, I didn't.

No, let's do it now. I mean... Yeah, all
right, well, um... Got my hands on you.

Stand here.

Okay.

Steady.

Fuck!

I'm sorry.

I thought I was going to pass out.

Carry on.

What does that mean? Nothing. Nothing.
Just hanging around.

They're about to make out.

It was awkward.

We were just... Please put your shorts
on. You

guys partake?

No, thank you.

I'll partake.

Are you sure?

It's pretty strong shit. I get it from
the military, actually. This is the

that killed Dylan.

Hope Dylan's not dead.

Isn't he?

Hit me.

Okay, just, uh, you know, go easy on it.

A little bit, a little bit.

It's not so bad.

To be fair, it takes a while to be
absorbed.

I'm hungry. We should cook up some
sausages.

Do we have any sausages?

What do you mean by that?

Why do you guys hate me?

Can we cook up some sausages?

Oh, I have wasps in my brain.

You'll be fine.

That happened to me the first time.

Oh.

I was wanting to ask, you know us now,
right?

Yeah. We grab her like bona fide BFFs.

Why are you in such a hurry to leave
now?

Well, according to the government, I've
fulfilled my usefulness.

I told them everything I know. The only
thing I've left off from them now are my

abilities. The healing, the thought
transfer, the camouflage.

In order to cultivate those abilities,
they need some of my stem cells.

And I'm not really down with that.

Lucky for me, I do have one friend left
on the inside.

So I managed to get an SOS beamed into
space. I got my people primed and ready

to pick me up.

Then motherfuckers brought the procedure
forward by a day. My whole plan goes to

shit. What happened?

On the way to the metal labs, I zapped
my escort, I stole his car, I took off.

Found you guys.

So what happens if you get caught?

Graham, they're going to cut out my
brain.

Oh.

Yeah, it's fucked.

It's kind of a buzzkill.

Let's lighten the mood, shall we, Clive?
When did you last get laid?

Oh.

Collectomania London 08.

Ewok chick.

Clive likes boning space bears.

Shut up.

No, seriously.

Be honest with me.

What was it like?

Well, she was furry nice.

That's disgusting.

Oh, that's gross.

Oh, Boomer, it's forbidden.

She went back to the RV.

Cool.

He can read minds. Come on.

Uh, guys, I think we have a slight
problem over here.

I can't hold my breath the whole way
through town.

Warning, Agent Doyle, Secret Service.
You mind if I come in there and ask a

questions? Not at all.

Warning.

Why are we holding hands?

So we look like a family.

Yeah, the fucking Freedmen show. I mean,
you could be a midget. You're obsessed

with midgets. No, I'm not.

Just be that normal.

Okay, we're just a couple of regular
guys walking down the street with a

cowboy. All right, Clive?

Clive?

Clive? Oh, come on.

Clive, what are you doing?

Yeah, man, what the fuck?

I want it.

Well, look, I can appreciate it's a
bargain and everything, but this is not

Comic -Con now, okay? This is reality.

It's Paul's economy anyway. It'll break
the first time you use it. Let's go. Why

would I ever use it? Can we just go,
please?

Wait. Maybe we should go inside.

What? We'll hide out. You go back and
get Ruth. Get the RV. Pick us up in ten

minutes. Sure.

Morning. My name is Agent Doyle, Secret
Service. Mind if I come in and ask you a

few questions?

Um, no, do you mind if we just do it
right here?

Okay. This place is a real cock -sucking
mess.

Got it.

I'm telling you, we're looking for a
goddamn alien.

I thought all that Project Blue Book
stuff was horseshit. No, it all makes

sense. I mean, all this hush -hush crap,
the drawing that I found.

What do you think that girl was talking
about last night?

Holy shit, spaceman balls.

Yeah, and who has spaceman balls?

Buzz Aldrin? He's serious.

Is that you?

Uh, huh?

Is that you on the cover?

Uh, no.

What's your name?

Keith Nash.

Nice to meet you. I'm Paul.

Right. So, uh, you're not freaked out by
me?

Mm, yes and no. Oh.

You might take a look at these
photographs. Tell me if you recognize

of these two gentlemen or the one -eyed
girl.

Ma 'am.

No. Anything? Anything at all?

Mm -mm.

I mean, you feel like this is an alien?
Yeah.

This is huge. I know. This is huge. I
know.

I know.

Is that a comic book shop?

Can we go in there?

Maybe. If you're good.

Where are you coming from?

Austin. Good town. Yeah, it is.

You know, there's a lot of bats.

Sorry? What did you say? Mm -mm.

Okay. Thanks for your time, Mrs...
Darwin.

Charlotte Darwin.

Charlotte Darwin. You have a great day.

You are not going to believe this.

You should get this one.

Thanks. Yeah, it's good.

Nice. Like your style, Keith Nash.

I gotta go.

Catch you later.

Bye, Paul.

Don't get caught.

Happy trails.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

How much is that?

With the sword, $299 .99 plus tax.

Yeah, I'll wear it now.

Come on, man, let's go.

Be right out.

Spaceman balls

Get your goddamn hands off my
motherfucking junk!

Hello.

O 'Reilly!

You dumb shit, that's just an asshole in
a mess.

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

I gotta quit smoking.

Hurry up, but Crocs! Hey, look, it's
that nerd!

Oh, yeah!

Who's that kid? Keep that!

Punch it!

me some information?

We saw it. We saw the alien. It was in
the comic book. Shut up, you idiot. I

think I shit my pants.

I don't know what you guys are talking
about.

You know what? You know exactly what
we're talking about.

I'm sick and tired of you doing the dark
on this... Hey, where the fuck did he

go? I got you going for you.

I got my... He went with those nerds.

So, you want to follow us, big guy?

You kids are going to go back.

Uh -huh.

Daddy's going to stick behind, do a
little adult work. Now tell me which way

little green guy went.

North, north, northeast highway.
Northeast highway.

Straight home.

Sorry, guys.

My dad!

This guy doesn't quit.

Kind of have to respect it.

All right.

That's it. This is too dangerous. I can
make it on my own from here.

What do you mean? No, Graham, you've
done enough. I'll boost a car or

I can drive an automatic.

You're a terrible driver. He's right,
Paul. You can't even drive a spaceship.

I'm close now.

I'll be fine.

But we've come all this way.

Yeah, and at what cost, huh? I've shaken
your faith. I've almost gotten you guys

killed.

I just want to get home.

You are going home. I think we've come
too far to let you do this alone.

Yeah, what happened to BFFs?

We are in this together, Paul.

You bet your hairy love eggs we are.

The last 72 hours have been the ride of
my life, and I'm fucked if I'm getting

off this bus now.

Yeah, me too.

And me.

Well, that settles it.

We're all fucked.

Thank you guys so much. If you're
absolutely sure, there is a little

you can do for me.

What about this one? Nah, just...
Really? Yeah, too small.

Seems rather fitting.

That wasn't difficult, was it? No, not
at all.

Hello. Hello.

That'll be $299 .99, but... Same as the
sword.

Look, they're running.

Holy shit! Get the door! Holy shit.

Can you drive this thing? I've been
driving these things my whole life.

Come on, get in, get in!

Graceful.

Zoil, picked up a 911 outside of
Prospect.

The fireworks store just got ripped off
by two British nerds in an RV.

Son of a bitch! According to local
bacon, they're on the 14, 40 miles west

you. Drive like a man, you'll catch up
to them in 30.

Cops are standing down. You better spin
your ass around.

Roger that.

Don't make me come out there. I'm guest
of honor at the governor's ball tonight,

and I'm dressed up real nice. Now, where
the hell does this 14 go, anyway?

You tell me.

I don't know. You got Thermopolis. You
got Lytle Creek.

Holy shit.

More cops on the 14.

You don't think, uh... Son of a bitch is
going back.

He's going to try and make contact.

We got him, Doyle. Bring me back my
space monkey and I guarantee you level

clearance and all the perks.

Great. Better parking space would be
good. I don't know, man. I don't know.

looks awful mad.

Fuck him. He's a dinosaur.

It's time for some new blood.

Okay, we're nearly there. This is where
we've been headed.

No, I just need to make a little stop
first, okay? Do you think we've really

time to be making little stops, Paul?
This is something I really have to do.

Okay, stop here. We'll get it.

Or shouldn't we park a bit closer?

No.

We don't want to scare her.

Scare who?

You knock. You knock. I always knock.

Is that Tara Wilton?

Leave me alone.

Miss Wilton, my name is Clive Gollings.
I'm here with my friend, Mr. Graham

Willey.

And what do you want?

We're here with the alien that killed
your dog 60 years ago.

What is this? Some kind of a joke?

Hey, Tara.

You.

That's a very loud clock, isn't it?

You have a nerve showing your face here
after all these years.

Maybe I should make some tea.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Uh, look, Tara, I... I only just stopped
believing in you, you know.

I spent a very long time trying to
convince folks about what happened that

night.

Everyone said I was mad.

They told me it was a meteor that
squashed little Paul.

They took me away and they did tests.
They said it was for cosmic radiation,

that I was con -con -con -concussed,
hallucinating, but I knew you were real.

I pulled you from that spaceship myself.

I kept you warm and comfortable. I sat
there with you till the men came to take

you away.

Pop tried to...

Understand, but he would just smile and
say, there, there, Tara.

Well, word got out about my story.

Yeah, kids used to come and throw stones
at the house, call me names.

I just hid myself away.

I'd spend whole nights up there just
staring at the sky, hoping that I'd

glimpse of you.

And here you are.

I'm sorry, you know, if I could have
done it any other way.

Oh, it's okay.

You're real.

It's all that matters.

I was right.

And all those folks, they thought I was
crazy.

But they can all just go fuck
themselves.

I brought something for you. I thought
you might want it back.

What the fuck

are you doing here?

Go go!

Haggard!

Give me the gun!

You're the shit out of me.

Ruth, why aren't you driving?

I told you, it's easy.

Mother -fucking -titty -sucking -two
-ball -bitch!

Doyle, progress report.

This is Haggard, sir!

Agent Doyle is no longer in command!

I don't give a shit who's in command.
Where the fuck are they?

Just ahead of me, heading east toward
Lionel Creek.

I don't want to hear from anybody until
that cocksucker is dead. Get me?

Yes, sir. And?

This is official government business!

Stand down, or I am authorized to use
deadly force!

That thing has my daughter!

This isn't your mission!

I'm on a mission from God!

Tell him you failed!

Fuck the department! Fuck the
department!

Doyle. Where are the other two?

One crashed and burned. The other just
burned.

Jesus Christ. It's been one fuck -up
after another. I should have handled

myself. I am very close. You give me one
hour.

An hour?

I'll be eating canapes with the governor
in an hour. I need this wrapped up now.

No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm going
to finish this once and for all.

I'm too late, Doyle. I'm bringing in the
big... Boring conversation anyway.

Very well, my friend. You are a faithful
and mighty Steve.

I can't believe she's gone.

Ain't that a bag of tips? Oh, what'll we
do now, Paul?

Paul?

Paul, where are you going?

See? What did I tell you, fellas?

You know it when you saw it.

Of course.

Ah, right.

Shoots flaming balls.

Just like the fucking thing. Fireworks
are not toys, Paul.

What is the suggested safe distance?

Right.

500 feet.

That's going to put us behind the tree
line. We're not going to enjoy the full

effect. Yeah, that's true, actually.

Hey, what the... Oh, now you're running,
huh? Not funny. That's dangerous.

Oh!

what now we wait

I know you don't.

It's a big guy.

Well, what do you know?

Small world.

Paul!

Zoyle?

Fucking move.

It won't be cool. It won't just be cool.

I gotta say, I'm a little hurt, Agent
Soil. He introduced me to my wife. He's

friend. You stupid son of a bitch. You
could have been where I am in 15 years.

I don't want to be where you are.

Too bad.

Seeing as how I'm the one holding all
the cards.

And when I say cards, I of course mean
big fucking gun.

Very big gun.

Let's go, Mork.

Don't call me Morgan.

No. Guys, you don't have to do this.

No, he's going nowhere.

Can it, nerds.

Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get
off on the idea of your being hogtied

and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.

They've shut Guantanamo Bay.

Did they?

Be honest with yourselves.

What do you think you can possibly bring
to the table at this point in the game?

False economy, I told you. Step aside,
fag.

Sorry I had to at the farmhouse.

That's okay. I'm sorry I wasn't there to
meet you outside the base. By the time

I got there, you'd already gone.

But I see you got yourself a plan B,
huh?

Did I ever.

These are my friends.

Hello. Pleasure to meet you, boys. You
did a hell of a job.

Thank you, Agent Zoyle.

Please call me Lorenzo.

Lorenzo Zoyle.

That was close.

Oh, my.

No!

Oh, God, Graham.

Graham.

I never meant to. Put the gun down, Mr.
Boggs. Drop the fucking gun, Dad.

Oh, no.

I really like this. This is all my
fault.

We should never have come on holiday.

No, no, no.

It's fine. It's fine, Clive. You know,
we've had a good time, haven't we? Yeah.

But you got shot.

Yeah, I know. But I can honestly say,
Clive, this is the most fun I have ever

had.

No, no.

Paul, think about this.

Sucks. I don't even get to eat them.

Wasn't that really, really dangerous?

Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice.

It's a miracle!

The Lord has delivered his healing hand!

Can't win with these people.

Sorry you got killed by my dad.

That's fine.

Do you want to try to kiss again?

Fuck yeah.

Well, what do you know? The geek shall
inherit the earth.

Well,

ain't this...

changed my mind.

That is Jenga.

Thank you.

It's been a hell of a ride, huh?

Sorry I frightened the shit out of you.

You didn't frighten me.

You freed me.

What?

That's nice.

Thanks.

Hey, take care of her, big man. Oh, I
will, sir.

May God be with you. Yeah, whatever,
dude. Sure.

Say bye to Karen for me.

Safe trip, short round.

Thanks.

Oh, you're coming with me.

What?

I ruined your life, Tara.

I think it's only right I give you a new
one.

Huh.

I don't have my toothbrush.

Baby, where we're going, you don't need
teeth.

That's right.

Right on. Get in there, girl.

Yeah, she's cool. She with me. Let her
in there.

Gentlemen.

I, um... I meant to ask. What did you
think of the book?

Oh, no, I... I liked it, actually. I
really liked it. There's a lot of good

ideas in it. I kind of found it hard to
finish, to be honest.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

You know, as I always say, you have to
spin a good yarn before you can weave a

great dream.

That's what Adam Shadowchild said.

That asshole.

He stole that from me.

He was a bit of an asshole, actually.

Yeah, he was.

Keep it for his journey home, if you
like.

Oh, yeah. No, definitely.

Well, it's safe to say we've all learned
something from this.

Be yourself, speak from your heart, some
shit like that. I don't know.

Yeah, I certainly feel a bit different.

And me.

Thank you, guys.

No, thank you.

Yeah, thanks, Paul.

Hugs?

I consider your boner.

Till next time.

So cool, isn't it? It's amazing.

That was good, wasn't it?

Sorry, who are you?

Someone who loves you.

Hey, I thought you were coming as Wonder
Woman today.

All right,

would you please welcome the team behind
this year's multi -nebulon award

-winning best of.

By the way, these are friends of mine.

I'm very proud of you, Graham.

I'm very proud of you, Susan.

Come on.

Pat

Stevens?

Like, Pat Stevens from Chapter One?
You're very same.

You know, I always pictured you taller.

Well, I can see you standing up. Oh, I
like that.

I didn't realize you were so damn
pretty.

You should see me out of these crazy
clothes.

I'd like that.

I can't.

I understand, apparently, they are
citing me as the, well, fuck, you

know.

Please welcome to the stage Clive
Colling and Graham Willey. Give it up.