All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 23 Episode 2

SQUEAK!

SQUEAK!

SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

- Where do you think you're going?
- A bicycle needs a certain amount
of exercise. It's a well-known fact.

Yours gets enough exercise.
That's another well-known fact.

I didn't know where you'd gone.
I was worried.

You'd better be. I've every
intention of keeping you worried.

So, now you've found me,
we'll go home, shall we?

I was just going to suggest that.

Do you think God keeps an eye
on everything?

No. That's Special Branch.

I thought it was her behind
the curtains at number 23.

It's very difficult round here
to get a serious conversation.
We've noticed that.

We think it's because
we mostly meet idiots.

I expect they think the same.

We had one once -
a serious conversation.

We did?

You remember. Him at the Feathers.
He was drunk.

But seriously drunk.

What did you talk about?

His wife had left him
and taken the Jack Russell.

He couldn't get over
the sudden loneliness in his life.

He really missed that Jack Russell.

That's a terrible thing to do.
Going off with a bloke's Jack
Russell. Didn't he apply for custody?

He had a better idea. He went round
in the night and whistled.

Didn't work.
All he got was a nasty bite.

His own Jack Russell bit him!

Not his Jack Russell. His wife.

Like I said...

it's not easy round here
getting a serious conversation.

What were you wanting
to talk seriously about, Billy?

Sixth sense.

I think I've got one.
Pity about the other five.

Tell us more. When did you first
notice you'd got this sixth sense?

I can always tell the wife's
going to throw a wobbler.

She hits you with something.
That's later. Sometimes I know
when telephones are going to ring.

Trick is to know
when they're going to stop,
now everybody's got a mobile.

Sixth sense is that
mysterious something
that gives you a little warning.

Your bank manager.

Gives you a head start on danger.
That's what I've got.

It comes from being
a direct descendent of Robin Hood.

Not from a tendency to exaggerate?

It's your outlaw's instinct.
It's in the blood.

It's your gut feeling
early warning system.

Oh! I've never done
so much housework.

And it showed.
You're choosy, for somebody
who used to live in an old bus.

Done that. I've passed
colourful squalor.
I'm into house beautiful now.

I thought I was looking for a good
woman to do the housework.

When you find one, I'll move out.
I thought you were going
to help me find one.

You can't rush these things.
We've got to get you ready.
Ready?

This may come as a surprise to you,
but for romantic purposes,
you still need some work.

Oh, heck! More work.

It stands to reason.

A lifetime in the police service
produces a stronger sixth sense.

Not stronger
than someone whose ancestor
was used to living on his nerves.

Your granddad lived on his nerves?
I expect your granny saw to that.

You can't weigh fact against
fantasy. I WAS a policeman.

You only THINK you're a descendant
of Robin Hood.

Only think?

It's on me mother's side.
She was a Bristow.
Taught me to laugh at danger.

I've had it all researched. Who by?

A bloke in Huddersfield. Specialist.
He puts thee under hypnosis.

Shouldn't you pop back
and ask him to get you out?

I am out. What does he charge?
£50.

He's a bigger bandit
than you'll ever be!

I sometimes wake up in the night
itching for adventure.

Have you tried camomile lotion?
It could be just too many blankets.

Maybe your missus is too warm.

There's no sign of it
in her conversation.

Tell you what, Billy. I'd back my
sixth sense against yours any day.

Done.

You're on.

We need fruit juice, Barry.

Sure this is strong enough?
She's no lightweight.
Don't be unkind. She has a problem.

Aye, she eats all the time.

Isn't she up yet? She probably
doesn't sleep well at nights.
She does all right in the morning.

You sure she wants to go?
Of course! It was her idea.

Wouldn't she be happier
staying in bed eating a pizza?
Astrid is my best friend!

You haven't seen her for 20 years.
All the more reason to show her
a good time. Visiting a stately home?

It's cultural, Barry.
But we never visit stately homes.

Astrid would like to see
the stately home, Barry.

Doesn't seem to be
in all that much of a hurry.

Right. This'll do here. We'll see
who's got the stronger sixth sense.

Stand by for a public announcement.
I am NOT going in the water.

Nobody's going in the water.
Especially you. You'll be the judge.

As long as I'm not the judge
in the water.

We'll be the ones at risk
of going in the water. We?
You wanted to do this.

I'm not a water sort of person.
I'm a greenwood sort of person.

Nobody's going in the water.
We'll take turns.

You and me standing facing the water

trying to guess when the other one's
creeping up on us to push us in.

I'm not pushing anybody in, either.

You're not allowed to. You're
the judge. You've got to be neutral.

Oh, I can do neutral. Neutral's me.

Who's going first?

It doesn't matter.

It matters to me
if I finish up in't water.

If you've got a sixth sense,
you won't get pushed in the water.
I can do that. Right.

We put something in our ears to stop
us hearing footsteps. Yes -
so we rely entirely on sixth sense.

What do we use to put in our ears?

Look around. Find something. I'm not
shoving any old rubbish in my ears.

If you were living in the greenwood
you'd have all sorts of things
in your ears. Use your fingers.

The man's a genius.

And no cheating.

Go on. I love it when you have to
make up an excuse double quick.

Why are you carrying a bicycle?

Oh! Am I carrying a bicycle?

Just shows how absent-minded
a person can get when his mind's
busy with something.

I think that deserves...eight
out of ten. Let's go again.

What's your mind busy with?

Actually, I was thinking
for a friend.

I promised I wouldn't discuss
his problem with any third party.

Nimble. Very nimble.

That's the one thing about marriage.
It's really sharpened your reflexes.

Get your bike inside, Howard.

SQUEAK!

You're not bringing that squeak in!
Take it somewhere and get it fixed.

I shall know, you know.
I don't have to hear a twig snap.
My nerves are tuned like a violin.

The minute you start moving
towards me, I shall know!

I wonder when his sixth sense will
tell him we've gone to the pub?
Maybe he'll work it out logically.

Good day to you. Don't be alarmed
when you hear the explosion.

Would you say you were naturally
wicked or was it training?

A little of both.

If I so much as hear a mouse
in this vicinity, I shall pick it up.

I think I've got radar!

How long's he been pining
for a good woman?

Since he got too old
to pine for a bad one.

Hasn't he left it too late?
They say it's never too late.

I think in your case
you might be pushing it a bit.

Another face like a wet Wednesday.
Three cans of fruit juice,
please, Ivy.

Barry.

We're going to a stately home.
With Glenda's best friend
from school - once she gets up.

That'll be quite nice,
visiting a stately home.

Not with Astrid it won't.
She's bone idle, weird and horrible.

Ah, but is she single, bone idle,
weird and horrible?

She's divorced. Close enough.

Close enough for what?

Which stately home are you going to,
Barry? With this interesting,
unattached...

Unfortunate.

..third party?

You dozy beggars. Leaving me there,
standing with me fingers in me ears!

We remarked how well it suited you!
You looked like a hat rack.

Like a direct descendant
of somebody completely barmy.

Oh, now then!

Here you go.

Tell me - you had one finger in this
ear and one finger in the other ear.

Did they meet in the middle?

You can tell he was a policeman.
They have a weird sense of humour.

How did you know that we'd gone?

I sensed it, didn't I? The Hardcastle
Early Warning System. It's uncanny.

Here we go again. I noticed thee
chickened out. We never saw you
demonstrate YOUR sixth sense.

I'll show you
a policeman's sixth sense.

Take somebody right to the edge
of anger and pull back
just when he begins to explode.

A technique used
in police interrogations.

It's similar
when you try and see a doctor.

Who's tha going to try it on?
The landlord.

Do we really want to fall out
with the landlord? Bad move.

I'll play him like a fish.

I'll start winding him up and then,
just when he's going to explode,

I'll lower him back again.
We'll end up the best of friends.

I'm sorry! Oh, dear, I'm sorry!

And stay out!
Especially him with all his mouth.

You've no sense of humour. I had
until you started taking the wee-wee.

You'll have to excuse him.
His mother kept him in frocks
until he was 13.

I thought you were
going to bring him round again
once you made him mad enough?

He never let me get to that part.

And I didn't wear a frock until I
went undercover with the vice squad.

I hope it was thick cover.
Do they do size 12 in high heels?

It was dark. I could wear boots.
Sounds magic.

Several gentlemen offered me
a good time. It MUST have been dark.

I know it's a challenge,
but could you make him
more attractive to women?

It should be easier going that way
than trying to make him LESS.

Given that he needs a major refit,
where do you propose we start?

Possibly with something
very expensive.

Not that expensive.
Attractive, but on a budget.

You want to be attractive
only to cheap women?

Don't answer that.
Something fairly formal. He's going
to a stately home to meet someone.

She's a visitor.
She doesn't own it.

I didn't think you'd be romantically
entangled above your station.
I'm not sure what station that is.

Wherever it is,
I think your trains were late.

Oh, be a little patient, Barry.

It's her that ought to be
somebody's patient. She's weird.
She's into alternative lifestyles.

CHANTING: Um ringay, um mo, um mo...

She is. She's weird.
Be quiet. She'll hear you.

Sitting there cross-legged,
eyes closed, chanting a mantra.

She's communing with nature. She's
so fallen in love with these hills.

She's not got the figure for sitting
cross-legged. And with that hair,
she'll be mistaken for a haystack.

Please keep your voice down!

Don't blame me
if somebody sticks a fork in her.

Now everybody's going to know.
We'll be known for encouraging
alternative lifestyles.

People will look closely at what's
planted in our hanging baskets.

Having problems, Barry?
The only problem is over the wall.

Um ringay, um nay, um ringay,
um nyom, um nay...

Never seen many of them in a field!

I hope they never replace sheep.

She's a weird one, is that.
I told you.

She's not weird. She's my friend
Astrid and she's trying
to become one with nature.

I think she's become
quite a big one.

There's not much opportunity
for doing that in a built-up area.

Sure she's not asleep? I've never
known anybody sleep like Astrid.

She employs self-hypnosis
as an aid to achieving inner calm.

The outer doesn't look
all that excited.

Do you ever commune with nature,
Cleggy?

I used to go blackberrying
but it turns your fingers purple.

Too much nature's risky if
you don't want to go a funny colour.

Well, we're off. My two retarded
companions are in the middle
of a challenge.

CHANTING

Come on. Stop hanging back.
Don't be shy.

I feel peculiar.

You look terrific. Transformed.
A definite bird-puller.

How are we getting there?
We'll get a lift.
I'm temporarily out of transport.

I don't feel like me.

You don't look like you.
It's a definite improvement.

NO SQUEAKING

It squeaks when I wheel it away
from the house. It goes berserk.
You'd think I was strangling it.

If it squeaks when you wheel it out,
why not when you wheel it in?

It's uncanny, isn't it? I'm beginning
to wonder if it's a psychic squeak.

Better get some psychic oil on it.
I've seldom met a quieter bicycle.

I know what it is. It's because
I don't feel guilty enough.

It squeaks when I'm sneaking away -
when Pearl's there.

Well, you can show me.
She's here now.

He's got a mysterious squeak.

I know. I've lived with it
for 40 years.

It's not funny.
I think my bicycle may be haunted.

I'm not surprised. It keeps taking
you straight to some old witch.

I don't know what she means.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

You'll be the judge, Clegg.

Did you ought to trust the judgement
of a former lino salesman? I'm
no good if it hasn't got corners.

We trust thee, Cleggy. I'm touched.
Stop creeping round the judge!

What if you collide and start
bleeding? Worse than blackberrying!

Nobody's going to collide. A finely
honed sixth sense will tell me
when I'm approaching an obstacle.

We'll be operating on radar.
A lot like bats.

Bats. That's a term
that springs to mind.

Right, then. Off we go.

What they doing? Don't ask.

Have they been drinking?
Yes, but they're just as daft
when they're sober.

How long have they been
behaving like this?
Oh, since they were about nine.

CRASH!

I understand your husband's
got a nasty squeak.
Oh, that sounds nasty!

I wouldn't say nasty. She's more
what you'd call "gormless".
But I expect you mean his bicycle.

Oh, his bicycle.
Oh, that's a relief.

The thought of your Howard with
a squeak was distinctly unsettling.

They do get squeaks.
I knew someone with a squeak.
You could hear it in his chest.

It must have been embarrassing
in company.

We didn't go much for company.

One of THOSE sort of squeaks.

It didn't last. We always had to go
somewhere quiet and all I could
think of was that damned squeak.

SILENCE

He's worried about his missing
squeak. It's real, I tell you!

It happens at the worst
possible moments.

Well, maybe it's not your bicycle.
Maybe it's your knees or elbows.

Knees don't squeak.
I bet if our ears were down there,
you'd hear 'em squeak.

Look at the size of him.
His ears ARE down there somewhere.

He thinks it's a psychic squeak.
I like it!
The man with the mystical squeak.

It only happens when I'm trying
to sneak out with me bicycle.
It gives the game away.

It'll be Pearl.
She's put a spell on it.

Do you think so? Mm. Is that
possible? Mm. Well, what's the cure?

You have to fight witchcraft
with witchcraft.

If that doesn't work, you'll have
to burn your bicycle at the stake.

Just don't bring it round
to my place.

I'm not performing exorcism
on a bicycle.

But he can. He's done it before.

He can?

He's joking, Howard.

Nonsense, Howard.
He's just being modest.

This man, Howard, is famous
in occult circles for the curse he
achieved on a rabid Nissan Primera.

It used to foam at the radiator.

It was his first breakthrough
in Japanese.

He once cured
an old vacuum cleaner for me.
It used to snap at people's ankles.

The only thing I've never been able
to cure is this lot!

ASTRID BABBLES DRUNKENLY

Hey-hey! It's lovely!

Why did you let her
get in this condition?
I didn't! It was the wine tasting.

I didn't know she kept popping back.
I thought she was looking at the Old
Masters. She never used to drink.

She was 12 years old then.

I can't take her home like that. You
know what the neighbours are like.

Where are we going to take her?
Think of something!

If I had my way,
I'd leave her in a skip somewhere.

How long have you had
this brutal streak?
Since Wednesday, when she arrived.

Hey up, Glenda, Barry.
We hoped we'd catch you here.

I didn't know Smiler
had a respectable twin brother.

It IS Smiler!

Who did the renovation?

I am changing him into a romantic
force to be reckoned with.
He wanted to meet Astrid.

Meet her?

He can have her. Barry!

Hello.

I don't want to meet her. If she's
a drinker, she'll be too expensive.

Have you thought
about a personal loan?

Eh?

If you want to meet her,
we can take her to your place.

I told you I could pull the birds.
Not only pull 'em - they deliver!

I'll stay with her until she gets
sober, then we can take her home.

You can give us a lift.
You'll have to sit on Astrid.

They can straighten her up.
She can sit between them.

If you ask me, the best thing
is if somebody sits on Astrid.

Hello, handsome.
Tell her I don't always look
like this. I'm usually scruffy.

To be absolutely fair, he really is.

You can't take her to my place!

I daren't let me mother see her
in this condition. Or even
hear about it. Where can we take her?

- Truly lives alone.
- Wouldn't be proper.

Norman Clegg lives alone.

Same thing. It wouldn't be proper.

It would if she had a chaperone.

What happens next?
That's a good question, Howard.

What happens next is,
Clegg will provide the spells
if you provide the ale.

I have to buy the beer?
It's your bicycle.

It's traditional. These spells don't
work without a toast to the spirits.

A large one.

They don't come cheap,
these psychic squeaks.

You should worry about the ale. I've
had to provide the wings of the bat
and the snakeskin found by moonlight.

I don't believe a word of this.
It's all rubbish.

Howard!

Just be careful
about doubting the spirits.

Once you've started this ceremony,
you'll be amazed what can happen.
KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll get it.

It's Barry.

I've got a drunken woman and Marina
outside. Can I bring 'em in?

Tell 'em I'm sorry I doubted.
No offence intended.

Is Howard in there?

Hello, precious.
Don't "precious" me!
What are you doing in there?

I'm just having my bicycle mended.

That's the worst damned excuse
you've ever made. Get on home!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd