All language subtitles for American Housewife (2016) - S03E14 - Baby Crazy (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,377 --> 00:00:03,503 Here you go. 2 00:00:03,586 --> 00:00:04,879 Your favorite PJs are ready 3 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,048 - for your first sleepover! - ?What? 4 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:09,009 I told you I never want to go on a sleepover. 5 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:11,011 Which is why I'm telling you at the last second! 6 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:12,971 I didn't want to hear you complain all week. 7 00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:15,348 What if they make me sleep next to an outlet 8 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,560 and I roll over and my pinky goes in and I get electrocuted? 9 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,689 Then you're crying, "Why? Why did I make my baby go?" 10 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:23,857 You are going. 11 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:27,027 You are too old to keep dodging sleepovers. 12 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,571 "She was so little!" 13 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:32,699 - Still reading exams? ?- Yep, 14 00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:34,993 I have to get through these 50 essays this weekend. 15 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:37,162 It's exciting to see how students do under pressure. 16 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,872 Some struggle, but others soar! 17 00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,416 That's probably because you're such a great teacher, 18 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:42,876 mentor and father. 19 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,003 Whatever it is, I agree with Mom. 20 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,129 Please, Daddy! 21 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:48,131 Mama wants me to go to a sleepover! 22 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:49,549 Anna-Kat, that's not true. 23 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,135 I am forcing you to go to a sleepover. 24 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,095 You know Oliver only cares about himself, 25 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:56,056 so if you alienate me, 26 00:00:56,097 --> 00:00:59,517 all you'll be left with is Taylor to take care of you. 27 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,102 Not smart, Mama. 28 00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:04,981 Hi! 29 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,775 Ugh, trade. 30 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,570 Hey, Violet. 31 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,615 What happened to your hair? 32 00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:15,492 I can't afford to be blonde anymore. 33 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,452 Pretty soon I'll be buying second-hand clothes 34 00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:20,163 from garage sales like...this. 35 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,873 ?I'll have you know 36 00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:23,792 I won this at Dave & Buster's. 37 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,585 700 tickets. 38 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:29,255 You know, I love Violet so much, but being a mom is so hard. 39 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:30,757 Why didn't anyone warn me? 40 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,801 You can hear me screaming at my kids from your house 41 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,929 ten times a day. Isn't that warning enough? 42 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,056 Can I help you find something? 43 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,224 You know it's just me over there 44 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,434 in that giant house all by myself. 45 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,727 I can't afford a nanny, 46 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,062 Pilates is too expensive 47 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,064 so now I'm breastfeeding to lose weight. 48 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,108 I ballooned up to a size four. 49 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,361 Katie, your screaming pillow. 50 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,737 Excuse me. 51 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,326 See, you have Greg to help you 52 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,787 with everything, especially the kids. 53 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:04,249 Who's got the sweetest nosey on your face-face? 54 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,126 - You do! - And on the plus side, 55 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,336 his baby talk doubles as birth control. 56 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:12,632 Viv, I know you're a little broke, 57 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:14,843 but you can't steal groceries from my house. 58 00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:17,303 Hilarious, I love it! 59 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,847 I don't know, Katie. 60 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:23,309 I just...feel like I can't do this alone anymore. 61 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,979 Do you guys think that you could watch Violet for me tonight? 62 00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,188 We'd love to! 63 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,773 Why are we watching the baby tonight? 64 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:31,860 I am headed to Mario's down by the train station 65 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,445 where all the divorced investment bankers go after work. 66 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,864 I think I can snag one 67 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:37,949 if I get there before all the tramps take the good seats. 68 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,243 What are the good seats? 69 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,036 The barstools at the end. 70 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,872 That way I can do this... 71 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:48,376 ...without hitting anybody. 72 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,851 Are those my earrings? 73 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,019 These are so nice! 74 00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,812 - Can I borrow them? ?- No. 75 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,440 I wore them to a business dinner but saved the receipt. 76 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,567 - I'm returning them. - No wonder I like them more 77 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,485 than the rest of your trash -- Treasures! 78 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,904 Off now. 79 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:16,988 They're expensive 80 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,489 and if I don't return them by tomorrow 81 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,366 then I will be stuck with a store credit 82 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:22,452 that expires the day before I find it 83 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,829 in a drawer with the extension cords. 84 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,544 Ugh, news again. 85 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,546 That's it. I'm deleting this app. 86 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,217 No. 87 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,885 No no no no no no! 88 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,763 Bad dog! Luthor, sit! 89 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:44,807 Now Luthor, reverse swallow. 90 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,309 Reverse swallow! 91 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,062 Okay, practice run. 92 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:50,396 When the mom says to go to sleep, 93 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:53,191 you take your sleeping bag and put it next to the bathroom 94 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:55,693 just in case you want to wash your hands a few times. 95 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,862 Yeah, Mama, if you want me to get covered 96 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,948 in sewer water when a pipe bursts. 97 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,617 - That is not gonna -- - Mama, I dunno. 98 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,911 This is all happening so fast, Mama. 99 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,454 You don't have to keep saying "Mama." 100 00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:07,789 I know who you're talking to. 101 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,666 If you have any problems, call us. 102 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,292 No matter how late. 103 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,502 Even if you just want to talk. 104 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:13,795 A word, Greg? 105 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,508 As the years go on, coming into this room alone with you 106 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,551 has become more scary than sexy. 107 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,679 Why are you coddling her? 108 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,806 She needs a push right now, not a hug. 109 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,432 She's nervous. She's our baby -- 110 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,101 She is turning 10! 111 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:32,146 And this is our opportunity to help her grow up a little. 112 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,481 I need this. 113 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:35,358 I am getting "Mama"'d to death in there. 114 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,026 What's your hurry to make her grow up? 115 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,695 - She's our last one. - ?Exactly. 116 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,905 We're on the verge of getting our lives back. 117 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,573 Not if we take action. 118 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,158 Let's have another baby. 119 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:48,538 Can you get my screaming pillow? 120 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,498 I'm sad our kids are getting big. 121 00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,375 I miss reading them books, 122 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,085 they reach for your hand, 123 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,045 I miss the way they mispronounce words. 124 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,672 Taylor still does it, but it's not cute. 125 00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:58,965 It's more worrisome. ? 126 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:00,675 Playing with Viv's baby today 127 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,468 made me want to start all over again. 128 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:05,346 Well then I wish you and your second wife the very best. 129 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,394 I can't go to the sleepover, Mama. 130 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,146 I think I'm getting my period. 131 00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:14,939 - No, you're not. - I'm telling you. 132 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,816 I can feel my uterine wall loosening. 133 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:19,235 Stop Googling stuff and go pack your bag! 134 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,785 Can I ask you a favor? 135 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,203 - I need -- - Not my problem. 136 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:30,330 This is serious. 137 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,707 Then it's seriously not my problem. 138 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,500 That's good stuff. 139 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,211 I turned around and Luthor ate Mom's expensive earrings. 140 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,672 You're in so much trouble. 141 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,132 I read online it can take a dog a month 142 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,467 to pass something like this. 143 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,843 But I need them by tomorrow. 144 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,845 - What do I do? ?Oh, - I know. 145 00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,513 Leave me out of it. 146 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:48,848 I am on fire. 147 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,558 You're always calling me the dumb one. 148 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,393 So I'm dumb. Help me! 149 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,562 All right, all right, I'll help you. 150 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,856 Don't forget to wear gloves. 151 00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:58,107 Three for three! 152 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,200 Viv, did you steal my car keys so I'd come over? 153 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,160 No. 154 00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:12,205 ?Yes. 155 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:13,456 ?But, hey, 156 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,208 would you just stay and talk to me for, like, 157 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,918 ten minutes about anything adult? 158 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,336 Look, just pick a topic. 159 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,879 Is this my magazine? 160 00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:22,006 Did you take this from my bathroom? 161 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,466 I left my phone in the bedroom 162 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,468 and had to read the shampoo bottle like an animal! 163 00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:28,596 - Hi, Viv. ?- Alan?! 164 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,265 How the hell did you get in here? 165 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,684 I opened the door with the light of my soul. 166 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,104 And my key -- I still have my key, and it works. 167 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,398 This isn't your home anymore, Alan. 168 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:41,067 You and Viv are divorced. She kicked you out a year ago. 169 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:42,610 I know, and I deserved that. 170 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,363 And in that time, I've been in an ashram in India. 171 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:46,739 I've been meditating. 172 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,283 I've been finding myself, reading other people's auras. 173 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,327 Yours, by the way, is very cloudy. 174 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:52,829 That's not good. 175 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,622 You might want to have that looked at. 176 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,332 What do you want, Alan? 177 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,626 Listen, Viv, I wasn't the greatest husband. 178 00:06:58,709 --> 00:06:59,961 But I want us to have a fresh start. 179 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,297 And I realize you are the most important thing, 180 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,341 and if you take me back this time, 181 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,260 I will give you everything you deserve -- 182 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,011 champagne, travel... 183 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,930 I will teach you to levitate. 184 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:15,852 Did you see that? It's very subtle. 185 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:19,272 I really would like to believe that you've changed. 186 00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,816 Let me show you that I've changed. 187 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:25,653 If you take me back, I'll make sure your energy is pure 188 00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:28,531 and your sandals are Prada. ? 189 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:32,493 Nice try, Alan, but Viv doesn't need you anymore. 190 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:35,163 She is a strong, independent woman -- 191 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,373 - Um, actually -- - ?No, Viv. 192 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,833 - Um, actually, again. ?- Viv! 193 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,627 - Katie. - You do not need a man to make you happy. 194 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,881 Viv, it's just us this time -- you and me. 195 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,508 A-All my children are in prep school, 196 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,802 so there'll be no kids to come between us. 197 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,638 Whose baby is that? 198 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,140 Katie's! 199 00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,058 Congratulations, Katie. 200 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,727 "Namaste." 201 00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,729 That's a really neat phrase I learned. 202 00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,689 It means "Amazeballs." 203 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,986 Everything's gonna be just like it was only better. 204 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,113 Oh. ?I'm getting so healthy right now, 205 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,699 I'm practically peeing essential oils. ? 206 00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:12,992 And you will, too. 207 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,285 I can't wait. 208 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,287 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fill our toilet 209 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,872 with eucalyptus and ylang-ylang. 210 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,502 My baby? 211 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,420 I don't know. It was all I could think of. 212 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,380 She's your baby, Viv! 213 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,090 Of course she is! I'm just -- 214 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,885 Giving up your baby for a shot with your terrible ex-husband? 215 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,637 No, not giving her up, 216 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,973 just buying time to see if Alan and I can work it out. 217 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,433 He's going to have to know about her. 218 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,186 She is not a banjo you can store in my basement. 219 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,479 Did I used to own a banjo? 220 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,648 No, it could be anything. It's a figure of speech! 221 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,233 - Well I don't understand it. - ?Viv! 222 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:48,486 Katie, please, just watch Violet for the night. 223 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,696 Then Alan and I will be back together, 224 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,532 and I promise I will come clean. 225 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,033 By then he'll be so in love with me 226 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:55,785 he'll have to be in love with her. 227 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,204 - This is a bad idea. - ?Please? 228 00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,997 Being a single mom is so hard. 229 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,041 And I want my blond hair back. 230 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,876 Brunettes lead sad, miserable lives. 231 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,878 You of all people should understand that. 232 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,216 Hey. Why'd you want my old -- 233 00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:12,468 Oh hell no! 234 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,178 You had another one?! 235 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,055 Do they just drop out of you without warning? 236 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,723 It is Viv's baby. 237 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:19,934 I did not have time to grab a stroller from her. 238 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,395 Why would you want to babysit Viv's baby? 239 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,980 Alan is back 240 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,982 so I'm stuck taking care of little Viv here 241 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:28,734 until she can get up the guts to tell Alan she had a baby. 242 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,070 Since when do you do such nice things for people? 243 00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:32,029 I don't know. 244 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,365 I'm losing what makes me special. 245 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,701 The worst part is having this little angel at our house 246 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,244 is making Greg baby crazy. 247 00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,580 And I do not want another baby. 248 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,290 Sometimes the best cure for wanting a baby 249 00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:43,749 is spending time with a baby. 250 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:44,875 Yeah, it's true. 251 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,877 Make Greg watch the baby all night. 252 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,588 See how he likes it then. 253 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,506 I always say, if you want to talk someone out of marriage, 254 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,508 just hang out with my ex-wife. 255 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,011 - What does that have to do with the baby? - I don't know, 256 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,596 I just feel like we don't talk about me enough. 257 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,105 Ready for your sleepover? 258 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,982 It was nice knowing you, boy. 259 00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:11,444 You with your shorter life span, and here I am going first. 260 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,487 You will be home tomorrow morning. 261 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,072 Get in the car. 262 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,170 Here you go, Professor. 263 00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,463 Katie, I'm working. 264 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,964 Not anymore. 265 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,717 Oh, is having a baby sometimes inconvenient? 266 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,135 Good thing she's not a toddler, 267 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,429 because toddlers do stuff like this. 268 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,236 You know how you said the dog 269 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,489 eating Mom's earrings wasn't your problem? 270 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,657 Yeah, that was great. 271 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,241 And remember those gold cufflinks 272 00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,368 that you got from Spencer? 273 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,661 You mean the ones that he stole 274 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,913 off Malcolm Forbes' corpse at his funeral? 275 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,456 Right, those. 276 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,166 Well, now we have the same problem 277 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,709 because Luthor ate them. 278 00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:13,339 How'd Luthor get them?! 279 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,049 Well, they somehow fell into a treat. 280 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,176 That I fed him. And then I laughed. 281 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,178 Now grab some gloves and join the party. 282 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,478 I am back from dropping Anna-Kat off. 283 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:29,980 Where is Violet? 284 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:33,192 She's napping in my office like an angel. 285 00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:34,527 - Is she? - ?Yeah. 286 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,039 Why are you putting loose change in the blender? 287 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,166 You need to sharpen the blades every six months. 288 00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,043 You are not staying on top of it. 289 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,044 I don't think tha-- 290 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,381 You'll wake the baby! 291 00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:56,966 Oh, is she sleeping?! 292 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,426 I forgot she was even here! 293 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,302 We were just talking about her! 294 00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:10,855 Why isn't she crying? 295 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,107 She's so calm. I forgot how good babies can be. 296 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,736 Such a good baby! 297 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,321 Let's see how good you are when I do this. 298 00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:27,538 I better clean this pacifier. 299 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,914 Newborns are the best. 300 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:33,210 You've made a powerful enemy, baby. 301 00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,383 Anna-Kat, are you okay? 302 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,593 You were so right. 303 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:43,262 - The sleepover is fun. ?- See? 304 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,264 But we're having a stuffed animal tea party 305 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,183 and I didn't bring one. 306 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,894 I'm going to be stuck using an oven mitt like an idiot. 307 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,645 Okay, calm down. I'll be right there. 308 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,063 Bring my stuffed turtle. 309 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,774 The one with the friendly eyes. 310 00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:56,817 Not the one who looks like he has a terrible secret. 311 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,611 How am I supposed to figure that out? 312 00:12:58,694 --> 00:12:59,779 You'll know. 313 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,752 What do you know, turtle? 314 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,255 Mama! 315 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,801 - Here's your turtle. - Forget the turtle. 316 00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:22,802 Let's get out of here. 317 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,012 Wait, what about the tea party? 318 00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:26,764 There was never any tea party. 319 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:28,474 Let me get my things, and I'll explain in the car. 320 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,893 You're not getting your things. 321 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,436 Good thinking. Leave 'em here. 322 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,605 - Collateral damage. - ?No. 323 00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,106 Just because something is hard 324 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,983 does not mean you run away from it. 325 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:40,236 This is an opportunity for you to make friends 326 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,946 with some nice girls. 327 00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,823 I am not taking you home. 328 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:47,326 Kids, it's time to decorate your own cupcake! 329 00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,411 I'm in hell. 330 00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:56,502 Viv? 331 00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:57,920 What are you doing here? 332 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,214 Other than breastfeeding and making Greg uncomfortable. 333 00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,298 I couldn't figure out 334 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,883 a way of getting past her without looking. 335 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,426 Before I go out with Alan for the night, 336 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,137 I had to feed my sweet, beautiful Violet. 337 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,265 This is always the best part of my day. 338 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,477 I remember when I had best parts of my day. 339 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,728 All right, Viv. 340 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,021 The car's out-- 341 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,566 Why are you breastfeeding Katie's baby? 342 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,734 When you left Viv, 343 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:25,447 she became so poor that...I had to hire her...as my wet nurse. 344 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,907 That's...right. 345 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:31,871 Um, Katie is just one of my many clients that I wet for. 346 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,999 I-I'm not an idiot, okay? 347 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,709 Okay, Alan... 348 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,420 ...Violet's my baby. 349 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,547 Since we've been divorced, you had a baby? 350 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,090 Alan, what you have to understand -- 351 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,009 I looked. 352 00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:47,803 And the father was a pig whisperer, 353 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,263 he caught me at a very vulnerable time. 354 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,100 But then he left town and I never heard from him again. 355 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,894 Well, the "Old me" Would've dumped you immediately. 356 00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:57,396 But Swami Gary's taught me to think before I act. 357 00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:58,939 He calls it "Thacting." 358 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,900 What other vocab did Swami Gary teach you? 359 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,443 Douching, by chance? 360 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,862 As in, the act of being a douche? 361 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:07,197 Here's my offer -- we're gonna Westport the whole situation. 362 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,241 We're gonna hire an entire staff of nannies. 363 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,410 They're gonna care for her. They're gonna feed her. 364 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,828 They're gonna take her to tennis lessons, okay? 365 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:13,913 When she's old enough, 366 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:15,748 we're gonna get her into a Swiss boarding school. 367 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,291 And then you and I will live our lives -- 368 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:18,584 our big, awesome, amazing lives, 369 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,586 and you are gonna want for nothing. 370 00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,465 - I -- - ?Viv? 371 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,301 I'll be in the car, okay? 372 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,136 Amazeballs. 373 00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,305 Means "Namaste," Essentially. 374 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,934 Okay, before you say anything, 375 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,518 maybe it is a good plan. 376 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,853 Maybe Violet will be better off. 377 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,605 - Viv -- - And you'll be better off! 378 00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,190 I won't be here all the time 379 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,275 bothering you, taking your stuff, 380 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,402 showering at your place when you guys are gone. 381 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,446 It took you so long to leave on Thursday. 382 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,906 Oh. ?Greg? 383 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,074 A word? 384 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,794 I called the vet, and they said pumpkin 385 00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,421 will make him go immediately, so I fed him a can and a half. 386 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,798 Smart. 387 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,299 Come on, boy! Give us some earrings! 388 00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:09,134 And cufflinks -- don't forget the cufflinks. 389 00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,928 He needs his space. 390 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,056 Ooh, I think he's ready to go. 391 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,265 How can you tell? 392 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,392 It looks like he's trying to solve 393 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,394 a really hard math problem. 394 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,980 Good boy, good boy! 395 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,859 Mom's earrings! 396 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,113 Where are my cufflinks? 397 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:31,949 Come on, boy. What else you got in there? 398 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,159 A thimble? A race car? 399 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,828 Well, looks like he got into Monopoly. 400 00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,579 Come on, boy. Where are my cufflinks? 401 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,665 Luthor never ate your cufflinks. 402 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:40,666 He didn't? 403 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:41,792 Then where are they? 404 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,544 I couldn't feed cufflinks to our dog. 405 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,004 I'm not a monster. 406 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,547 I just needed you to help me. 407 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,762 Really? 408 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,264 You played me? 409 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,058 All new respect. 410 00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,394 For the "Dumb one," That was a pretty smart move. 411 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,563 I think you mean for the "Dumb whom," 412 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,939 that was a pretty smart move. 413 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,444 Here's the problem -- 414 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:11,488 Evil Katie almost has Viv out of her hair. 415 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,490 She wants fewer people depending on her 416 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,075 so she can have more of a life. 417 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,954 And sending Viv off with Alan would do that in spades. 418 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,664 But Good Katie knows... 419 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,959 That Viv and her baby belong together. 420 00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:26,754 But Evil Katie is tired of using Russian dressing 421 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,590 to cover her blemishes because Viv stole her concealer. 422 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,675 But we're human beings, and... 423 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,386 And...we need to do the right thing. 424 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,056 Fine. 425 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,683 I blame you for making me a better person. 426 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,268 It's very unpleasant. 427 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:49,443 Viv, I know that you have told me 428 00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:53,030 that you are not mom material, but you are wrong. 429 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,782 - I am? ?- Yes. 430 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,743 Violet is amazing. 431 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:58,702 I tried to make her cry 432 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,370 - repeatedly today -- - Wait, why would you -- 433 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,873 It's not important, Viv. 434 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,042 It's Alan. ? 435 00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:08,253 You have got the best baby ever. 436 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,923 And there is only one reason for it. 437 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,176 Because she has got the best mom ever. 438 00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:16,303 You really think I'm a good mom? 439 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,679 I know you are. 440 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,474 That is such a relief 441 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,559 because I stole your "Best mom ever" Mug, 442 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:23,936 and I felt really bad about it. 443 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,854 But now I feel like I earned it. 444 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,023 You know what? 445 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,693 I don't need a man to make me happy. 446 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,280 Because you make me happy. 447 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,991 Yes, you do. 448 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:43,080 Violet, it'll be the two of us against the world. 449 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:48,085 It'll be the two of you plus the Otto family against the world. 450 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,923 I don't need a man. 451 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,801 Because you're my man. 452 00:18:55,884 --> 00:19:01,765 ?Oh, gosh, you're my big, strong, burly man. 453 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,978 I could kill Good Katie. 454 00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:14,945 Look who I have here. 455 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,614 Oh my God, Greg, she's alive! 456 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,032 She made it through the sleepover 457 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,784 and nothing bad happened! 458 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:21,910 Alright, I get it. 459 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,203 You were right, it was good. 460 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,664 We made S'mores and had a marshmallow fight. 461 00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:27,833 I'm glad I stayed. 462 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,501 Anna-Kat. 463 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,628 Yeah? 464 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,172 I am proud of you. 465 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,174 Thanks, Mom. 466 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,133 "Mom"? 467 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,593 Yeah, "Mom." 468 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,094 None of the kids say "Mama." 469 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,929 That's for babies. 470 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,019 No more "Mama." 471 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,146 I'm not "Mama" Anymore. 472 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,273 I'm now..."Mom." 473 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,194 "Mom." 474 00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:57,196 It's the end of an era. 475 00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,783 She was so little. 476 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,703 So...fourth baby? 477 00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:09,416 Nah. 478 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,501 I'm just gonna teach Luthor to call me "Mama." 479 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,171 I saw a husky do it on the Internet. 480 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,178 I am telling you it is more fun 481 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,305 to steal from restaurants than your friends. 482 00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,556 Okay. 483 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,391 One...two... 484 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:27,726 three...now! 485 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,021 You're right. And it's always stocked. 486 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,982 I mean, I could never get real maple syrup at your place, 487 00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:35,150 I mean, 'cause you're always like, 488 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,610 "Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug." 489 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,196 When the manager turns away, grab the ketchup. 490 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,280 Oh, no, no, no. 491 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,658 I've already stolen like three ketchups from you. 492 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:46,078 But they have those tiny hot sauces, and I love those. 493 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:47,996 - Okay, on three. - ?Okay. 494 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,790 One...Two... 495 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,083 ?Dibs! 496 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,751 ?It's taco night tonight. 497 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,878 I'll make it up to you. Next stop -- Starbucks. 498 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,505 When you ask them for almond milk, 499 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,798 they hand you a whole carton. 500 00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:59,591 - So fun! ?- Yeah. 35591

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