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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,339 --> 00:00:18,574 Hey! 2 00:00:18,642 --> 00:00:20,012 Jim! 3 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:22,420 Oh, my God! Somebody call 911! 4 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:28,873 Hey, Jim. 5 00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,880 You've been through the wars, buddy. 6 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,683 You got yourself a little scratch. 7 00:00:32,750 --> 00:00:34,151 Hey, man. 8 00:00:34,219 --> 00:00:36,660 Uh, what, uh, what's happened? 9 00:00:36,727 --> 00:00:39,300 You were shot, Jim. 10 00:00:41,069 --> 00:00:42,904 H-how long have I been in here? 11 00:00:42,972 --> 00:00:45,477 A couple of days. 12 00:00:45,544 --> 00:00:47,611 Where's Steve? Where... Is he okay? 13 00:00:47,679 --> 00:00:49,012 Oh, yeah, Steve's fine. 14 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,650 He went off to get a couple of sodas. 15 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,756 He's quite the hero. 16 00:00:52,823 --> 00:00:54,825 The doctors said if it wasn't for him stopping the blood, 17 00:00:54,893 --> 00:00:56,494 you'd have been a goner. 18 00:00:56,562 --> 00:00:57,830 Hi. 19 00:00:57,898 --> 00:00:59,835 Steve. 20 00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:02,171 Thank you so much. 21 00:01:02,238 --> 00:01:03,740 No problem, man. 22 00:01:03,808 --> 00:01:05,879 Mr. Jefferies. How are you feeling? 23 00:01:05,947 --> 00:01:06,914 I feel amazing. 24 00:01:06,982 --> 00:01:08,550 That would be the morphine. 25 00:01:08,617 --> 00:01:10,352 When it starts to wear off, 26 00:01:10,421 --> 00:01:12,657 just click the button next to your bed. 27 00:01:14,663 --> 00:01:16,765 It's on a timer. 28 00:01:16,832 --> 00:01:19,735 So, uh, what's... What do we do now? 29 00:01:19,803 --> 00:01:22,106 Well, I'm gonna prescribe you some medication for the pain... 30 00:01:22,174 --> 00:01:24,812 oxycontin and some Ambien to help you sleep... 31 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,049 but you're free to go home. 32 00:01:27,116 --> 00:01:30,990 Oh, my gosh. Look at all these reporters. 33 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,760 Here we go. 34 00:01:32,828 --> 00:01:34,496 Get out of the way! 35 00:01:34,563 --> 00:01:36,364 Jim! Jim! 36 00:01:36,432 --> 00:01:38,601 All right, you parasites, come on! What's going on? 37 00:01:38,669 --> 00:01:40,237 Jim! Jim, how are you feeling right now? 38 00:01:40,305 --> 00:01:41,908 Uh, never felt better. 39 00:01:41,975 --> 00:01:43,546 Jim, what do you want to say to the guy who shot you? 40 00:01:43,614 --> 00:01:45,317 I'm sure the police are doing everything they can. 41 00:01:45,385 --> 00:01:46,885 How do you feel about gun control now? 42 00:01:46,953 --> 00:01:48,786 I don't think about it. 43 00:01:48,854 --> 00:01:50,456 Come on, Jim, talk to us! Is it true this was all a hoax? 44 00:01:50,523 --> 00:01:52,025 Don't worry about them, man. Don't worry about them. 45 00:01:52,093 --> 00:01:55,635 Surprise! 46 00:01:57,137 --> 00:01:58,171 Oh, my God! Jim! 47 00:02:15,690 --> 00:02:17,992 See, I like you. You're not afraid of balloons. 48 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:19,561 Cheers, everybody. 49 00:02:22,028 --> 00:02:25,697 Hey, sorry about that. I, uh, had a moment. 50 00:02:28,198 --> 00:02:30,130 Uh, this is really nice. Thank you. 51 00:02:30,198 --> 00:02:31,998 Let's have some fun, right? It's a party. 52 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,766 Get back to it. Come on. 53 00:02:38,502 --> 00:02:40,538 Got a little something for you, Jim. Give it to him, babe. 54 00:02:40,606 --> 00:02:41,406 Take it. 55 00:02:41,474 --> 00:02:43,140 Yeah? 56 00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:47,074 So, all I have to do to get free coke is get shot. 57 00:02:47,142 --> 00:02:49,176 That's very sweet of you. 58 00:02:49,244 --> 00:02:50,411 Enjoy. 59 00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:52,809 To be honest with you, 60 00:02:52,877 --> 00:02:54,676 I'm not really the guy to even talk to about this. 61 00:02:54,743 --> 00:02:57,146 I don't remember a single... Steve saw it. 62 00:02:57,213 --> 00:02:59,116 You should ask Steve. He knew... 63 00:02:59,183 --> 00:03:00,451 Look, Forrest, just take it. It's fine. 64 00:03:00,518 --> 00:03:02,285 Doctor said 65 00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:03,951 bullet went in one side of the shoulder and out the other 66 00:03:04,019 --> 00:03:06,150 and it didn't hit any arteries and I'm gonna be fine. 67 00:03:06,218 --> 00:03:08,784 I got the same injury in laser tag. 68 00:03:08,852 --> 00:03:10,186 Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. 69 00:03:10,253 --> 00:03:11,754 You're very luck, amigo. 70 00:03:11,822 --> 00:03:13,854 It's funny. I don't... I don't feel very lucky. 71 00:03:13,922 --> 00:03:15,686 Could be in one of these. 72 00:03:15,754 --> 00:03:17,653 I think you are pretty lucky. 73 00:03:17,721 --> 00:03:20,924 Hey, Jim! How are you doing, pal? 74 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,192 I've been better. 75 00:03:22,259 --> 00:03:24,128 Yeah. Listen, I got you a cookie tree. 76 00:03:24,195 --> 00:03:26,463 Everybody else got you flowers. I thought that was kind of gay. 77 00:03:26,531 --> 00:03:28,230 Cookie trees are super masculine. 78 00:03:28,298 --> 00:03:29,430 What are you doing here, Mike? 79 00:03:29,498 --> 00:03:30,995 You getting shot 80 00:03:31,063 --> 00:03:33,994 was just the shot in the arm your career needed, 81 00:03:34,062 --> 00:03:36,062 and I am gonna make you the biggest stand-up comedian 82 00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:37,463 in the world. 83 00:03:37,531 --> 00:03:38,962 But, Mike, you're not my agent anymore. 84 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:40,162 You fired me. 85 00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:41,830 I didn't fire you. I quit. 86 00:03:41,898 --> 00:03:43,799 You don't need to do anything, I don't need an agent, 87 00:03:43,867 --> 00:03:45,833 'cause I'm not gonna be doing stand-up anymore. 88 00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:47,702 What? What are you gonna do, Jim? 89 00:03:49,339 --> 00:03:51,507 I'm just gonna, um, clear my head, 90 00:03:51,575 --> 00:03:53,476 stay here, and I'm gonna get better. 91 00:03:53,544 --> 00:03:54,979 - Wait, just one se... - Hey! Hands off, man. 92 00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:56,514 He got shot. 93 00:03:56,582 --> 00:03:58,848 All right, look. AEG wants to do a world tour. 94 00:03:58,916 --> 00:04:00,450 They want to call it "The Right to Bear Arms." 95 00:04:00,517 --> 00:04:02,916 The poster is you, sleeveless, showing off the wound. 96 00:04:02,983 --> 00:04:07,653 Eight months, 100 cities, $1.2 million minimum... minimum. 97 00:04:07,721 --> 00:04:09,788 Dollars? 98 00:04:09,856 --> 00:04:12,190 Jim, you're famous. Don't you get it? 99 00:04:12,257 --> 00:04:14,091 You're in. 100 00:04:14,158 --> 00:04:16,356 No? That's it? 101 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:18,157 That's it. 102 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,892 Okay, well, then, you know what? You're fired. 103 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,428 You can't fire me. I haven't rehired you. 104 00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:23,494 All right, then, I quit again. 105 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:24,893 There's nothing to quit. 106 00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:27,429 Okay. Fine. Fine. Then, you know what? 107 00:04:27,497 --> 00:04:31,399 Have a nice life, and, uh, good luck with this. 108 00:04:48,482 --> 00:04:50,546 Oh, damn it! 109 00:04:50,614 --> 00:04:52,013 Do you have to play this so loud? 110 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,245 Oh, sorry. I was practicing. 111 00:04:53,313 --> 00:04:54,645 We can turn it down, yeah? 112 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,979 Why don't we just, uh, turn it off altogether? 113 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,413 How long was I out for? 114 00:04:58,481 --> 00:04:59,847 A few hours. 115 00:04:59,915 --> 00:05:01,682 Oh, man, I'm having some dreams. 116 00:05:01,749 --> 00:05:04,951 It was real vivid sort of... I can remember the shooting alm... 117 00:05:05,018 --> 00:05:07,152 Look, j... can you just turn it off?! 118 00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:09,153 I'm trying, Jim. I'm trying. 119 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:12,887 For the love of God, man! It's the A/V button! 120 00:05:16,493 --> 00:05:18,159 No, don't answer it. It's just another reporter. 121 00:05:18,227 --> 00:05:19,894 Can I help you? 122 00:05:19,962 --> 00:05:21,531 - Is Jim here? - Yes. 123 00:05:23,034 --> 00:05:26,600 Hi... everyone. 124 00:05:26,668 --> 00:05:28,433 Katie, what are you doing here? 125 00:05:28,501 --> 00:05:31,270 I just... I wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay. 126 00:05:36,678 --> 00:05:39,313 Uh, Walter, um, I think we should be going. 127 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,579 - Good idea. - Yeah, let's give the boy some space. 128 00:05:40,646 --> 00:05:42,146 See you guys. 129 00:05:42,213 --> 00:05:44,446 Hey, why don't you two come outside 130 00:05:44,514 --> 00:05:46,516 and, uh, help me get rid of some of this trash? 131 00:05:46,584 --> 00:05:50,284 Okay, I'll help, but why are we bringing Billy? 132 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,888 You have to go. Y-you can't be here. 133 00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:56,653 I don't need your husband kicking my head in. 134 00:05:56,721 --> 00:05:57,953 Guess I'll go then. 135 00:05:58,020 --> 00:06:00,051 It's nothing personal, Kate, you see. 136 00:06:00,119 --> 00:06:03,222 I just don't need a train wreck in my life. 137 00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,890 Wait, what did you think this was? 138 00:06:06,958 --> 00:06:09,659 Oh, I don't know. You rushed over to see me. 139 00:06:09,726 --> 00:06:12,725 You obviously still have feelings for me that you can't control. 140 00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:15,162 Jim, this was me coming by to check on a friend. 141 00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:17,697 Friend? We're not friends. 142 00:06:17,765 --> 00:06:20,368 We had sex. That's not a friend-like activity. 143 00:06:20,436 --> 00:06:23,409 Friends go out to bars, movies, ball games. That's what friends do. 144 00:06:23,476 --> 00:06:25,914 I... I can't... I don't think... 145 00:06:25,981 --> 00:06:27,682 I've never fingered a friend. 146 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,819 Oh, my God. You are such a dick. 147 00:06:29,887 --> 00:06:33,058 You know, I'm sorry I was worried. 148 00:06:37,126 --> 00:06:39,427 Wow, those meds are great, huh? 149 00:06:39,495 --> 00:06:41,363 Yeah, except I can't get hard anymore, 150 00:06:41,431 --> 00:06:44,234 which I don't really mind since I can't jerk off anyway. 151 00:06:44,302 --> 00:06:45,502 Morning, guys. 152 00:06:45,570 --> 00:06:47,271 You want us to turn this off? 153 00:06:47,339 --> 00:06:48,940 No, it's all right. Keep practicing. 154 00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:50,708 You ready for your big day tomorrow? 155 00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:52,577 Oh, yeah. I don't care who I play... 156 00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:55,448 Asian kid, fat, nerdy kid, whatever. 157 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,017 How you feeling? 158 00:06:57,085 --> 00:06:59,385 I feel like dog shit and cat shit 159 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:02,155 mixed in with, like, human shit. 160 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,656 Hurts, huh? 161 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,157 Yeah, it hurts being shot. 162 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,393 It's all right. 163 00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:09,828 I took a couple oxycontins. They should kick in soon. 164 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,195 Be careful with those, man. 165 00:07:11,263 --> 00:07:12,793 Who ate all my lasagna?! 166 00:07:12,861 --> 00:07:14,727 - What? - What? 167 00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:17,062 And the cookie tree? 168 00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:19,466 Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious? 169 00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:22,830 You bastards! 170 00:07:22,898 --> 00:07:26,002 Billy, I get shot, people are nice enough to buy me food, 171 00:07:26,069 --> 00:07:28,104 and you eat all my shit! 172 00:07:28,172 --> 00:07:29,638 You ate it. 173 00:07:29,706 --> 00:07:30,738 I never had any food. 174 00:07:30,805 --> 00:07:32,572 Yes, you did. 175 00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:34,007 You came out of your room, went straight in the kitchen, 176 00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:36,475 opened the fridge, took out the lasagna, 177 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,176 and started scarfing it down with your one good hand. 178 00:07:38,243 --> 00:07:39,779 Yeah, show him. 179 00:07:39,847 --> 00:07:42,050 - Yeah. - I don't need to see. 180 00:07:42,118 --> 00:07:43,585 - Oh, yes, you do. This is great. - No, it's pretty funny. 181 00:07:43,653 --> 00:07:45,020 What are you doing, Jim? 182 00:07:47,691 --> 00:07:49,361 I don't know. 183 00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:50,963 Why wouldn't you wake me up? 184 00:07:51,031 --> 00:07:52,697 - And why'd you film this? - We tried! 185 00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:54,296 Oh, man, it was best just to get out of your way. 186 00:07:54,364 --> 00:07:55,531 Ow! 187 00:07:57,666 --> 00:08:00,566 It's... maybe it's the Ambien. How many of those you taking? 188 00:08:00,634 --> 00:08:03,166 I took like two before I went to bed. That's it. 189 00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:05,967 No, you also took one between the lasagna and the cookie tree. 190 00:08:06,034 --> 00:08:07,366 You called it your palate cleanser. 191 00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,931 Look! 192 00:08:11,802 --> 00:08:13,937 Man, you got to watch how many of those you take. 193 00:08:14,005 --> 00:08:15,672 - Yeah, that's what kills people. - What am I going to do? 194 00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:17,868 I'm in a lot of pain. I can't sleep. 195 00:08:17,936 --> 00:08:18,768 Well, you just got to keep track of it. 196 00:08:18,836 --> 00:08:20,537 All right. 197 00:08:20,604 --> 00:08:24,675 I am going to write down every time you take something. 198 00:08:24,741 --> 00:08:27,110 This is good. This is gonna work. 199 00:08:27,178 --> 00:08:29,780 We should call this my "Heath Ledger." 200 00:08:29,847 --> 00:08:32,014 Yeah, it's funny, 201 00:08:32,082 --> 00:08:34,114 'cause he was taking drugs and he died 202 00:08:34,182 --> 00:08:36,149 and his name's Ledger, like a list. 203 00:08:36,217 --> 00:08:37,482 You should use that in one of your drug routines. 204 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:41,320 I'm not... getting on stage any time soon. 205 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,019 What are you talking about? You love performing. 206 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:45,554 I love not having people hate me so much they want to shoot me. 207 00:08:45,621 --> 00:08:47,022 That's what I love. 208 00:08:47,090 --> 00:08:49,059 Well, Jim, what else are you gonna do? 209 00:08:53,029 --> 00:08:55,895 I'm assessing my situation. 210 00:08:57,898 --> 00:08:59,399 Heath Ledger. 211 00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:00,502 What options? 212 00:09:00,569 --> 00:09:01,837 I don't know. 213 00:09:01,905 --> 00:09:03,672 Maybe eating contests. 214 00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:49,800 Jim, what are you doing? 215 00:09:52,503 --> 00:09:54,638 Jim! 216 00:09:54,705 --> 00:09:56,675 Jim! 217 00:09:56,744 --> 00:09:58,177 What are you doing?! Steve! 218 00:09:58,245 --> 00:10:00,144 Steve! 219 00:10:01,747 --> 00:10:03,215 Steve!! 220 00:10:03,282 --> 00:10:04,885 Jim! Jim, what are you doing?! 221 00:10:04,953 --> 00:10:06,254 You're pissing on him! 222 00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:10,055 Oh, geez. Jim! Jim! 223 00:10:10,123 --> 00:10:12,021 Jim, wake up! 224 00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:13,957 Hey! 225 00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:15,659 Jim! 226 00:10:17,096 --> 00:10:18,229 Come on, let's go! 227 00:10:18,296 --> 00:10:19,529 Oh, my God! Oh, my... Jim! 228 00:10:19,597 --> 00:10:21,063 Jim! Jim, wake up! 229 00:10:21,131 --> 00:10:22,064 Wake up, man! 230 00:10:22,132 --> 00:10:23,631 You got to wake up, man! 231 00:10:26,276 --> 00:10:27,809 You shot me! 232 00:10:27,876 --> 00:10:29,344 I didn't shoo... How could I... 233 00:10:29,412 --> 00:10:31,947 All right, Steve? Tell him. 234 00:10:33,115 --> 00:10:35,582 I was trying to protect you, man. I'm sorry. 235 00:10:35,650 --> 00:10:38,354 You knew, as well, didn't you, you little bastard? 236 00:10:38,422 --> 00:10:40,756 Well, Steve begged me not to tell! 237 00:10:40,824 --> 00:10:42,658 And... I need a shower! 238 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:45,496 No. You sit there in my piss and think about what you've done. 239 00:10:45,563 --> 00:10:47,999 Look, if I didn't pull my gun, 240 00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:49,934 that guy was gonna shoot you for sure. 241 00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:51,769 And he's probably a better shot than me. 242 00:10:51,837 --> 00:10:53,372 So I... I... maybe I saved your life. 243 00:10:53,439 --> 00:10:55,107 Oh, I'm so sorry. 244 00:10:55,174 --> 00:10:57,276 Thank you so much for shooting me, Steve! 245 00:10:57,344 --> 00:10:59,846 Oh, Steve shot me, everyone! How nice of him! 246 00:10:59,914 --> 00:11:01,216 Come on. Keep your voice down. 247 00:11:01,283 --> 00:11:02,585 The reporters are gonna hear you. 248 00:11:02,652 --> 00:11:04,122 Maybe I want them to hear! 249 00:11:04,189 --> 00:11:05,891 Maybe everyone should hear what an idiot you are! 250 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,994 Calm down. No one's gonna find out. 251 00:11:08,062 --> 00:11:09,730 And I really need a shower! 252 00:11:09,798 --> 00:11:11,566 Of course they're gonna find out. 253 00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,832 Right? There... there's surveillance footage. 254 00:11:13,898 --> 00:11:15,264 There's no surveillance footage. 255 00:11:15,332 --> 00:11:16,599 Otherwise, it would be on the news by now. 256 00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,635 The cops are out there looking for him. 257 00:11:18,702 --> 00:11:20,236 No, they're not. 258 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,236 We gave false reports to the sketch artist. 259 00:11:22,304 --> 00:11:24,203 They... I told 'em it was a black guy. 260 00:11:24,271 --> 00:11:25,872 And I said he had a little Asian in him. 261 00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:27,508 So they're looking for a Blasian guy. 262 00:11:27,575 --> 00:11:29,143 So... so Tiger Woods shot me? 263 00:11:29,211 --> 00:11:30,911 Ohh. 264 00:11:30,978 --> 00:11:33,211 This is Afghanistan, isn't it? 265 00:11:33,279 --> 00:11:35,313 I told you not to get a gun, 266 00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:37,884 but Steve went to Afghanistan and fired a few guns 267 00:11:37,951 --> 00:11:41,153 and felt like a big soldier boy, didn't he? 268 00:11:41,221 --> 00:11:43,391 Okay. I'm sorry. All right? 269 00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:45,692 And, yes, Afghanistan was the only time that I felt okay. 270 00:11:45,759 --> 00:11:47,760 If the cops ask me, I'm telling 'em. 271 00:11:47,828 --> 00:11:50,131 - Jim... - You're a mess. 272 00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:53,032 Every problem that I've had... No wait, wait. 273 00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:56,131 Every problem that we have had is because of you. 274 00:11:56,199 --> 00:11:58,067 That's why your wife left you. 275 00:11:58,135 --> 00:12:00,172 That's why you have no job. 276 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,973 - That's why you've got no friends! - Steve! 277 00:12:04,109 --> 00:12:06,112 That was over the line, Jim. 278 00:12:09,986 --> 00:12:14,053 Can you hose me off at least?! 279 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,935 "Red Moon Over Odessa," Jim? 280 00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,737 What, are you torturing yourself now? 281 00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:27,005 What difference does it make? 282 00:12:27,073 --> 00:12:28,240 I'm not pursuing comedy anymore, 283 00:12:28,307 --> 00:12:29,909 therefore I'm not pursuing acting, 284 00:12:29,976 --> 00:12:32,577 therefore I don't have to be sad about a movie I got fired from. 285 00:12:32,645 --> 00:12:33,645 It's good. 286 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,446 It's really good. 287 00:12:35,514 --> 00:12:37,648 Glad this guy got the part. 288 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:40,214 Way better actor than me. 289 00:12:40,282 --> 00:12:42,617 Is Steve back? 290 00:12:42,685 --> 00:12:43,820 No. 291 00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:48,388 Your thing's today. 292 00:12:48,456 --> 00:12:49,992 Yeah. 293 00:12:50,059 --> 00:12:51,660 - I'll drive ya. - No, man. Come on. 294 00:12:51,728 --> 00:12:54,996 You've only got one arm. Plus, you... you seem kind of high. 295 00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:02,232 I'm sorry I pissed on your face. 296 00:13:02,299 --> 00:13:05,603 You know what? Let's not talk about it anymore. 297 00:13:05,671 --> 00:13:08,005 Just be happy I didn't have to shit, eh? 298 00:13:08,073 --> 00:13:09,139 No more! 299 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:16,947 Welcome to "Intent to Kill"... Billy. 300 00:13:17,015 --> 00:13:18,849 Thanks. 301 00:13:23,322 --> 00:13:25,522 Hey, you're that comedian from TV who got shot. 302 00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:26,656 Yeah. 303 00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:28,325 Can we get a picture? 304 00:13:28,393 --> 00:13:29,963 Uh, yeah. Of course. 305 00:13:33,866 --> 00:13:35,768 Can you imagine how many gallons of nerd jizz 306 00:13:35,836 --> 00:13:37,937 is gonna be spilled over those girls this evening? 307 00:13:38,004 --> 00:13:40,238 Well, not actually spilt. The guy's aren't going to... 308 00:13:40,306 --> 00:13:40,972 Jim! I've got an erection. 309 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,341 Me and you both. 310 00:13:42,408 --> 00:13:44,243 No, it's the meds. They're not working. 311 00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:45,610 I can barely move my hands. 312 00:13:45,678 --> 00:13:47,446 What are you talking about? 313 00:13:47,513 --> 00:13:49,750 I haven't had an erection since I started taking them. 314 00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:52,119 Contestants, please take your stations. 315 00:13:52,187 --> 00:13:53,922 It's okay. This is gonna be fine. 316 00:13:53,989 --> 00:13:55,824 On the bell, play for five minutes. 317 00:13:55,892 --> 00:13:57,692 Most kills wins. 318 00:13:57,759 --> 00:13:58,925 I've got this. 319 00:13:58,992 --> 00:14:01,128 And... go! 320 00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:11,410 Oh, my God. 321 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:26,035 I'm sorry, mate. 322 00:14:26,103 --> 00:14:29,270 I think being able to play took my mind off how screwed I am. 323 00:14:29,338 --> 00:14:30,805 Well, if it means anything, 324 00:14:30,873 --> 00:14:32,709 we're all kind of screwed at the moment. 325 00:14:34,778 --> 00:14:36,679 You're not really gonna quit stand-up, are you? 326 00:14:36,747 --> 00:14:39,015 Maybe... Yes. 327 00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:40,952 Yes, I am. What am I... 328 00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:42,487 I used to be fearless up there. 329 00:14:42,555 --> 00:14:44,523 Now I feel like I can't do anything anymore. 330 00:14:44,591 --> 00:14:47,122 Why, because Steve shot you? 331 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,658 Yes. I'm afraid of being shot. 332 00:14:49,726 --> 00:14:53,430 'Cause, yeah, I wasn't shot by some psycho heckler. 333 00:14:53,498 --> 00:14:55,129 I was shot by Steve. 334 00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:57,031 You know, so even if I do get back up there, 335 00:14:57,099 --> 00:14:58,800 I'd be living a lie. It wouldn't be real. 336 00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:01,905 Okay, so, you're gonna give up something that you can still do 337 00:15:01,973 --> 00:15:04,673 when I have to give up something that I love. 338 00:15:04,741 --> 00:15:06,142 Maybe the meds will work again. 339 00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,977 Yeah, the meds might start working again, Jim. 340 00:15:08,045 --> 00:15:10,046 And then they might stop again, too. 341 00:15:10,114 --> 00:15:12,349 You're really good at something, and you're gonna give that up 342 00:15:12,417 --> 00:15:14,187 because of a... what, because a few panic attacks 343 00:15:14,255 --> 00:15:16,491 and a flesh wound? 344 00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:18,626 Do you have any idea how insulting that is to me?! 345 00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:32,476 Hi. 346 00:15:32,544 --> 00:15:33,543 Hi. 347 00:15:36,081 --> 00:15:37,582 So... 348 00:15:39,384 --> 00:15:41,250 Yeah... 349 00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:42,486 Jim... 350 00:15:42,554 --> 00:15:44,324 Katie... 351 00:15:44,391 --> 00:15:46,859 Okay, um, I'm going to give you guys a minute alone. 352 00:15:50,027 --> 00:15:51,294 Come... come in. 353 00:15:53,897 --> 00:15:59,530 I just, uh, had to come over, you know, after last night. 354 00:15:59,598 --> 00:16:01,032 Last night... 355 00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:06,802 What happened last night? 356 00:16:06,870 --> 00:16:08,570 Y-you're kidding. 357 00:16:08,638 --> 00:16:11,008 No, no. Last night, yes. I remember, of course. 358 00:16:11,076 --> 00:16:13,211 Uh, sit down. 359 00:16:13,278 --> 00:16:14,845 Um... 360 00:16:14,912 --> 00:16:16,644 You said some pretty amazing things, 361 00:16:16,712 --> 00:16:18,613 and it's... it's got me spinning a little bit. 362 00:16:18,681 --> 00:16:20,149 I mean, a lot, actually. 363 00:16:20,216 --> 00:16:22,051 I called you five times last night. 364 00:16:22,119 --> 00:16:23,520 - Yeah. - Yeah. 365 00:16:23,587 --> 00:16:25,420 We talked for like two hours. 366 00:16:25,488 --> 00:16:28,491 I mean, you stopped now and then to... to eat, but... 367 00:16:28,559 --> 00:16:30,627 And I called my mother. 368 00:16:30,695 --> 00:16:33,364 Yeah. You said you wanted to tell her the good news. 369 00:16:36,971 --> 00:16:39,842 What... what exactly did I say last night? 370 00:16:39,910 --> 00:16:41,744 You're kidding, right? 371 00:16:41,812 --> 00:16:43,345 No, no. I know what I said last night. 372 00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:44,648 I want to know if you heard me, 373 00:16:44,715 --> 00:16:46,051 'cause it's very important to me. 374 00:16:46,119 --> 00:16:50,087 So, in your own words, tell me what I said. 375 00:16:50,155 --> 00:16:52,357 Well, let's see. 376 00:16:52,424 --> 00:16:55,160 You said that we should be together. 377 00:16:55,228 --> 00:16:57,428 Together? Yeah. 378 00:16:57,496 --> 00:16:59,396 And that you wish I would have kept our baby 379 00:16:59,464 --> 00:17:01,264 instead of having the abortion. 380 00:17:01,331 --> 00:17:04,599 That you know I'm not happy with Trevor and I should leave him. 381 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:08,169 And you want to take care of my kids and move away with me. 382 00:17:08,237 --> 00:17:10,305 You said you wanted to open a candle shop. 383 00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:12,572 Should I go on? 384 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,038 No. Stop talking. 385 00:17:14,106 --> 00:17:15,574 Ahh. 386 00:17:15,642 --> 00:17:18,048 Katie, I'm on a lot of drugs. I'm on drugs right now. 387 00:17:18,115 --> 00:17:19,316 Mountain of drugs out of my skull. 388 00:17:19,384 --> 00:17:20,752 Um... 389 00:17:20,820 --> 00:17:22,754 I have a Heath Ledger here, um, which... 390 00:17:22,822 --> 00:17:25,422 which probably explains it a lot better than I can ever say. 391 00:17:25,489 --> 00:17:28,890 There's pages and pages of misery just there. 392 00:17:30,725 --> 00:17:32,092 Oh, my God. 393 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,328 You don't remember. 394 00:17:34,395 --> 00:17:37,531 No heterosexual man wants to open a candle shop, Katie. 395 00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:40,770 Yeah, what? 396 00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:43,106 Oh, my God. Um... 397 00:17:43,173 --> 00:17:44,107 Wow! 398 00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:45,741 Uh... 399 00:17:45,809 --> 00:17:47,075 Oh, my God. 400 00:17:47,142 --> 00:17:49,077 I feel like a fool. 401 00:17:49,145 --> 00:17:50,413 Well, it's... 402 00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:52,382 I mean, no. But you know what? 403 00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:55,150 I-it's okay, because, um, I was about to 404 00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:58,889 make some really huge decisions based on that conversation, 405 00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:00,724 and it wasn't a real conversation, so, I mean... 406 00:18:00,791 --> 00:18:02,223 - No, wait. Wait. Don't feel... don't... - No, it's okay. 407 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,656 It's not that it wasn't real. I just... 408 00:18:03,724 --> 00:18:04,959 These drugs are messing with my head. 409 00:18:05,026 --> 00:18:06,528 I'm sure on a certain level, 410 00:18:06,596 --> 00:18:08,965 my subconscious means everything that I said. 411 00:18:09,033 --> 00:18:14,434 I... I mean... what you've just said to me about... 412 00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:18,007 I don't want to raise your kids. 413 00:18:20,508 --> 00:18:22,941 You know, on the phone last night, 414 00:18:23,008 --> 00:18:25,777 you said you wanted to have a real life... 415 00:18:25,845 --> 00:18:29,615 to be legit... 416 00:18:29,683 --> 00:18:34,221 Have something meaningful and lasting and real. 417 00:18:34,289 --> 00:18:36,590 I mean, you got to ask yourself, 418 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,092 "What kind of life do I really want?" 419 00:18:40,493 --> 00:18:41,559 You know? 420 00:18:43,561 --> 00:18:44,963 Yeah. 421 00:18:45,031 --> 00:18:47,034 Make your decision. 422 00:18:50,069 --> 00:18:52,735 I'll be waiting. 423 00:18:59,844 --> 00:19:03,648 * Cross your tears and dot your eyes * 424 00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:07,850 * Cross your heart, not to die * 425 00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:12,023 * Stick a thousand needles in your eyes * 426 00:19:12,158 --> 00:19:14,056 _ 427 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,232 That's a lot of people. 428 00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,334 You're gonna do great, baby. 429 00:19:25,171 --> 00:19:27,605 Yeah, look. I'll just see you after the show, okay? 430 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:33,216 Like, every year, it's like, so wasted! 431 00:19:33,284 --> 00:19:35,249 Hey, Kate? Don't forget Max has got soccer tomorrow. 432 00:19:35,317 --> 00:19:36,817 I know. 433 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:39,020 And my dry cleaning will be ready after 6:00. 434 00:19:39,088 --> 00:19:40,555 Uh-huh. 435 00:19:40,622 --> 00:19:42,656 Funny man Jim Jefferies, 436 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,024 who was shot for his anti-gun jokes, 437 00:19:44,091 --> 00:19:45,892 is on a roll, 438 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,728 selling out huge theaters across the country. 439 00:19:47,796 --> 00:19:49,764 "Extra" will have... 440 00:19:52,368 --> 00:19:55,439 Fall in, ladies! You, bozo! 441 00:19:55,506 --> 00:19:57,807 You look like you got a spoon for a face! 442 00:19:57,875 --> 00:19:59,809 I think I'll call you "Spoon Face"! 443 00:19:59,877 --> 00:20:01,879 You're a little long in the tooth, are you?! 444 00:20:01,948 --> 00:20:03,982 What makes you think you're good enough?! You know what I think?! 445 00:20:04,050 --> 00:20:06,415 I think you need to be back at home mowing the grass! 446 00:20:06,482 --> 00:20:08,647 Did you watch John Wayne last weekend all patriotic, 447 00:20:08,715 --> 00:20:10,583 decided you wanted to be a soldier 448 00:20:10,650 --> 00:20:12,419 and wear this cool costume?! 449 00:20:12,486 --> 00:20:15,789 * You can't share this strange sensation * 450 00:20:15,857 --> 00:20:18,693 Welcome home, Billy. 451 00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:20,895 Shut up, Rodney. 452 00:20:24,096 --> 00:20:28,265 * Somewhere is the destination * 453 00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:32,533 * Somewhere far but still a location * 454 00:20:32,601 --> 00:20:35,437 * All you need is to stay in motion * 455 00:20:35,505 --> 00:20:37,070 There's my man. 456 00:20:37,095 --> 00:20:38,695 Hey, Mike. 457 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,320 You know after tonight, your life is never gonna be the same. 458 00:20:42,885 --> 00:20:43,985 Yeah. Yeah, 459 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:45,820 everything I've always wished for. 460 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:49,022 Hey, you're gonna be great. 461 00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:51,758 Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jefferies! 462 00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:13,993 * Just don't know * 463 00:21:20,493 --> 00:21:27,993 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 33093

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