All language subtitles for Legit 209

- Thank you very much, everyone.
Good night. - Good job, Jim!

All right. That was Jim Jefferies, guys.

That was, uh, interesting.

All right. Well, that sucked.

Mike, you told me to work clean!

I said do your act. Just
take out the dirty stuff.

This is a network television showcase.

They need to know you can work clean.

Mike, do you even watch what I do?

The first two minutes of my show

involves the words "Cock,
shit, pussy, balls."

Okay, so say "Penis" and "Poo."

"Balls" are also legal
in the right context,

- as is "Snatch."
- I can say "snatch"?

- Please welcome...
- Maybe not, no.

- I can't say "Poo."
- Why?

Because it's juvenile to
say "Poo," you big poo.

No. I-I just don't
think I'm built for this.

It wasn't until I was 19 till I realized

that I had to do a whole
thing, like, shaving...

Look at her. She's doing
great, and she's working clean.

Really don't care about it, so...

- Good job.
- Suck a dick, Steve.

I think they were afraid to laugh

because they didn't want
to miss the next joke.

That's why they weren't laughing.

Kkk, white. It's not...

Ah, bullshit. It sucked. Why
didn't you do your good stuff?

It was my good stuff without swearing.

You can't work clean.

- I just found that out, didn't I? Thank you.
- Oh, my God.

Not only do I have to lose
weight in my arms, my thighs,

and my legs, now I have to
lose five pounds in my vagina.

- Now, she knows how to work clean.
- Yeah.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Peggy. You come to see me. Th...
- No, I was just...

I just got here. Hi.

- Hi, Peg.
- How are you?

- Hi. You look pretty.
- Thanks.

Jim, I'm really sorry about
that whole "Loveline" thing.

No, I understand you're upset we broke up.

It takes a lot to get over a relation...

- Hey, baby. Hey.
- Hi.

Bob Saget.

Billy, that's Bob Saget.

I'm not an idiot.

No one's ever told you...

Um, Bob, do you know Jim?

Uh, no. No. Uh, nice to meet you.

- Hey. Jim.
- And this is Billy and Steve.

I-I-I'm
a big fan.

- Uh... Mnh-mnh.
- Oh, thanks.

Hi, Bob Saget. Hey, shake his hand for me.

He can't shake, so...

That's cool. I don't
want to touch him anyway.

That's not a joke. He's disabled.

Um, Jim is also a comedian.

Oh, really?

No, I used to, uh, date, uh...

I was just up there.

So, these executives

are making you play clean, as well, huh?

Me? N-No.

No, I just come in here and
crush it and make them laugh,

and that's what I do.

- Of course you do. Right.
- Yeah, he does.

That's right. It was nice to meet you.

- Jim, right?
- Jim. Yeah.

- See you soon, babe.
- Bye. - Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Saget.

Bob Saget! I know Bob Saget!

Thank you very much.

Let's hear it for the very short person

- that I don't care to know.
- Come on.

W-Why don't you go over there and gush?

- That's Bob Saget. Let's go watch.
- Let's go.

Enjoy yourselves.

Peggy's a gag hag with Bob Saget.

Now, I see that you have some
problems, and I appreciate it,

'cause I support anybody

that... that craps
their pants all the time.

- That wasn't a joke.
- Good set.

That's a really good
joke from the old days.

Oh, thank you.

You know who you are.

Angela! Hey.

Did you see Corrinne tonight, huh?

Really funny.

- I like this guy.
- This guy?

Yeah, this guy! Everybody loves Jim.

He killed it tonight.

- Angela McKinnon.
- G'day. Jim Jefferies.

Why don't you come to my
office sometime and we can talk?

What we'll do is we'll see if
we can squeeze him in next week.

Jim is really busy. He's in...

Why don't you let him answer?

I would love to, anytime you want.

Good answer. Okay. Make it soon.

Okay, Mike?

You got it.

Okay. Australians don't
high-five. Who was that?

Only the biggest comedy exec in town.

This is huge, man.

I don't know how you
did it, but you did it.

Now, I got to roll. Jamie Foxx is here.

- Bob Saget!
- Thanks, Mike.

Yeah!

Whoo!

- Way to go, Bob.
- Thanks.

Hey. Great set, Bob.

Oh, thanks, man. So, you know Angela?

We just met.

Welcome to show business.

Bye, Jim.

Bye.

"Welcome to show business."

Bob Saget.

I get it. You're jealous.
It's just like Todd.

- Oh, my God.
- It's not like Todd.

Turn.

I'd be all right if
Peggy was dating someone,

you know, lower. Just...

Turn.

Someone less successful.

In the comedy world,
they're called "Gag Hags."

- Nice. - Turn.
- Yeah, you know, like,

when you first start dating a girl,

they're not even into comedy, right?

And then you break up with them,

and all they seem to do
is date bloody comedians.

What if he's better-looking than you?

- That's fine.
- Better car?

It's fine.

- Richer?
- Totally cool.

Funnier?

No, not... not funnier.

More famous.

Right. Don't they kind of go hand in hand?

No, they don't go hand in hand!

Some people get overlooked.

Like men don't date up?

I don't know. Saget is pretty funny.

You're not helping, Billy.

This conversation is ridiculous.

Hello?

- Jimmy J.!
- Hi, Mike.

Hey, so how is Tuesday

at, um... Uh... 10:00 A.M.?

Yeah, sure. Sure. Wait.
What's this all about?

Meeting with Angela. General meeting.

She just wants to get to know
you, see what you're all about.

Okay.

Mike?

Yeah, Jim?

What am I all about?

You are all about making her happy.

- That's what you're all about.
- Okay.

All right. I got to take
this call. Love you, man.

A really big executive wants
to have a meeting with me.

Really? Off that set?

Yeah.

Uh, water?

Ah, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

You sure?

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hi. Jim Jefferies.

Mm.

Thank you so much for having me.

Oh, please.

So, where in England are you from?

Oh, no. I'm, uh... I'm Australian.

You know what? That is so much better.

I just... British actors are so...

girly.

You know what I mean?

Australian men... now,
those are real men, right?

Look, Russell Crowe?

That's a real guy.

So...

What is Jim about?

Okay. Well, I love stand-up.

I would also like to be in movies.

I'd like to be in television. I can write.

What have you written?

Oh, I've written heaps of stuff.

- I've, uh, written my stand-up...
- Mm-hmm.

And, um, other stuff.

- And, uh, can you act?
- Yes.

Have you been in anything?

Not yet.

Well, don't worry about
that. Acting is easy.

What you need is a good look.

- Have I got a good look?
- Not at all.

But that just means you might have to work

a little bit harder
than some of the others.

Yep.

Are you a hard worker?

That I am, yes.

Are you willing to go that extra mile?

Absolutely.

That is great.

- One more thing.
- Anything.

Good answer.

Lick my pussy.

Y... Uh... You...
W-W-What now?

You heard me.

Y... Um, you want me to lick your... What?

Yes.

Um, I...

Uh, I would rather get a job on my merits.

Well, everyone in Hollywood
thinks they have merits.

Look, I just told you acting is easy.

That's why everybody wants to do it.

I mean, there was
literally like 17, 18 guys

could've played Chandler
on "Friends," right?

- Mm-hmm.
- But Matthew Perry,

he did something that
none of the others did.

Licked your pussy.

Like a champ, may I add.

Like a champ.

Here's how to think of it
that might make it easier.

Think of this as a tunnel to stardom.

- Tunnel?
- You know what I mean.

So, like, are you willing to get in there

and burrow, burrow, burrow

up to the... limelight, stardom?

So, Jim...

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna lick your pussy.

That's right.

Uh... Now, how do we do this?

Do we uh, schedule it?

Do we get a... Do I talk to
the young man out there...?

Actually, I'm pretty busy,
so you just do it right now.

Right. Mm-hmm. D-did
you have to do this

when you got into the industry?

No, I'm a woman.

So, right now?

Unfortunately, I do have an appointment

in about 15 minutes, so...

Okay.

Have a nice day!

Jimmy J., how'd it go?

Um... I think it went good.

All right, well, I will put in a call,

- and I'll let you know how it went.
- No. No, no, no, Mike.

No, I-I don't want to meet with her again.

Why? What happened?

She made me lick her pussy.

You there? Mike, you there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you. I heard you.

- Heard you.
- Mike?

You okay?

Yeah, I...

I'm okay.

But I'm gonna get parts now, right?

It's Angela on 2.

Yeah, hey, Jimmy, that's
her on the other line.

Hold on. Don't go anywhere, okay?

Jim?

She said you didn't do a good job.

What?! I...

I did a good job!

Did she cum?

Did she say she didn't cum?

No, she just said it was a bad meeting.

I went in there, and I did my very best.

I was down there for 15 minutes.

That's more than anyone
should be expected to do that.

She kept on saying, "I've got another
meeting, I've got another meeting,"

so I tried to hurry it
along as much as I could.

I was on a hardwood floor, Mike!

My knees are killing me!

I was sober.

What happened?

I thought I should stop
when her assistant rang.

Her assistant came in?

Like, you guys all, or just the two of you?

- No.
- All right, well, what did she say?

Um... She said it was good.

Did she use the word "Good,"

or did she say, "It was good"?

She said "Good," Mike.

Great is good, awesome is
great, but good is always bad.

Well, I-I did my best.

Here's the good news. She said
she'll meet with you again.

How is this good news?

Now you know what to expect,
right? Are you up for that?

I didn't have a lot of time to prepare.

Well, then I guess you better prepare.

I don't know what you have to do.

Put your tongue on bed rest.

Eat a life saver from inside out.

Whatever it is, do it, man!

What's she looking for?

An orgasm, Jim! She's
looking for an orgasm!

Jesus! Put your head into this!

I'm not sure I can do that again, Mike.

Do you know how many miles of dick

that have been sucked in
this town by actresses?

Well, it's a woman's world now.

The tables have turned, so you're
just gonna have to deal with it.

Hey, uh, how was your meeting?

Strange.

Strange? How?

I came in there, and then she, uh,

wanted me to make her, uh...

Make her...?

Cum. Wanted me to make her cum.

- Awesome.
- No.

What's her name?

- Angela McKinnon.
- Wait. Wait. Wait.

So, she wanted you to sleep with her?

No.

Oh. She wanted to blow you?

Who cums from blowing me?

She made me go down on her.

- What?
- That is great.

Is this her?

- Yes.
- Yeah, that's not so great.

That is hilarious!

Not really.

How was it?

Tart.

Hallelujah! There is a God!

You're being punished.

- For what?!
- This is so great!

Oh, man.

All right. Let's get out of here.

Where are you guys gonna be later?

Oh, we'll call you.

Jim munched ancient carpet.

Jimmy J.! Hey, man.

You got your meeting tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.

- Great.
- Hey, Jimmy, listen.

I could give this opportunity
to any number of actors

that would kill to have this chance.

Opportunity?

Yeah, Jimmy, it's huge.

Oh, yeah. It's huge.

Really?

No, it is huge.

Now I'm gonna have that
image in my head all night.

Thanks, pal.

Jim, are you all right?

My agent and your God
are trying to punish me.

Jim, you know I love you, right?

But you really backed yourself
into a corner with this one.

What am I meant to do?

- Have a compass.
- What will that do?

So you can know right from wrong.

Okay, look, Jim, you really need
to get this out of your head,

so what do you do when you're stressed?

Drink.

Okay. We know how well that helps.

- I also masturbate.
- Oh, Jim.

You really didn't learn
anything at S.A.A., did you?

No, it did make sex shameful.

All right. How do you ground yourself?

- I like telling jokes.
- Well, all right, then.

Why don't you go take
your ass down to the club,

do a set, and clear your head?

It's nice to play to, uh,
such a... full house...

and full pants.

Thank you so much. Have a great night.

Bob Saget! That was awesome!

Oh... my... God.

Hey, Jim. What are you doing here?

Maybe I should ask you the same question.

We were just, uh...

- just... just... just... just...
- Just what, Steve?

- It was my fault, Jim.
- Well, that's obvious.

Okay. I wanted to see them.

I wanted to play video games.

How long has this been going on?

We just went to a couple gigs.

- A couple of gigs?
- Yeah.

The other day when you said you
were out hitting golf balls...

You were with her and him.

Golf balls, Steve?

It was a pressure-filled moment.

I was afraid how he would react.

And how would I react, Steve?

Like this, Jim.

I was worried you'd freak out.

No, no. You're wrong. You're wrong.

I'm not freaking out.
Who's freaking out? Not me.

I just don't feel like I
can trust you right now.

I just don't feel like
we're connecting emo...

I-I just don't want to talk to you.

- Oh, Jim, come on.
- Jim.

Oh, "Come on" what, Billy?

I'm out there all day

licking old ladies just to make ends meet.

- What?
- Yes. That's right, Peggy.

That's where my career's at right
now, licking old ladies' staches.

And all I need is a little
bit of understanding from you!

I know, I'm... I'm sorry. Don't leave.

Hey. How was Angela?

Pungent.

Hey, Jim.

I have nothing to say to you two.

Oh, come on, Jim. It was two gigs.

It was three.

Some honesty at last.

Bob Saget's funny.

- What, and I'm not?
- No, no, you are funny.

It's just that we've
heard all your stories.

You used to love my stories.

You guys are morons.

What? Saget is funny.

This is not about Saget!

Peggy is a beautiful, sweet woman.

Of course she's gonna date
up. That's what people do.

Would you date a girl uglier after Peggy?

Of course not.

- Well, you have.
- Billy, shut up.

This is what I'm talking
about. You objectify women.

You call them shrimp or... or prawns

and you talk about keeping the
body and snapping off the head.

- Mmm...
- It's despicable!

It's 'cause they got a
good body and a bad head.

- No!
- You can still sleep with them.

- You got to cover their face.
- Jim!

This is what women go through every day.

What? Dating Bob Saget?

This is not about Bob Saget!

You guys just don't get it.

Wow. I had no idea that's
what it was like to be black.

- Black.
- No! Not black, you dumbasses!

- A woman!
- Okay.

Jim is being objectified.

Mm.

Therefore, he's feeling insecure.

It's true.

He's being sexually harassed!

She's right.

Oh.

When you have a body like this,

women don't think you have a mind.

They don't see your inner beauty.

- I'm a victim.
- Yeah.

But I got to do it again
if I'm gonna get that job.

- No.
- I'm just gonna get stoned

and imagine her pussy's a pizza.

Jim! You don't ever have to do that again.

I don't know. Really?

You go in there, you tell her, "No way."

Then you hit her with an
idea that she can't refuse.

That's a good idea.

- That's something she'll respect.
- Well...

You go in there holding
your head high, man.

Don't go down low.

Yeah. You can do it, Jim.

I can do this.

I-I got... I got...
millions of good ideas.

Yeah, and if she doesn't like your ideas...

- then you lick her pussy.
- Yeah, I'll go down on her.

- Just...
- Easy.

Morons.

- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, man.

You hear Peggy's dating Louis C.K. now?

Yeah. Yeah, I heard that.

Sorry to hear that, man.

Tough, huh? When they date up.

Yeah.

I licked an executive's pussy.

I did that once back in 1987,

and I got two hit shows out of it.

And Angela was hot back then.

Yeah.

Billy's in a wheelchair. He can't get laid.

So, we take him off to the
brothel, we lay him down,

we take his clothes off,
she's giving him a blowjob.

We think he's gonna die the entire time.

- We think he's gonna die.
- Oh, no!

You really think he's gonna die?

Well, we were, at the
time. He's all right now.

This shows such passion
and commitment, you know.

I mean, I-I really admire it.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- I really do.

Now, speaking of passion and commitment...

Mm-hmm.

Could you show some of that

in another... area?

Mm.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, you know, you got such a nice face.

Now, put it where it can do some real good.

Hello.

Jimmy J.! You nailed it!

Really?

Yeah, she went on and on and
on about how funny you were.

What did she say about my performance?

Uh...

- Better.
- Yeah, much improved.

She wants to put you in a holding deal.

What's a holding deal?

Yeah, holding deal. It's where
they pay you to do nothing.

Nothing?! Love doing
nothing! I'm good at it.

Yeah, just put you in a show
that's coming down the pike.

I don't have to go down on her, right?

Probably.

Uh, probably, sure.

Who cares?! You're in a holding deal!

Holding deal!

Come on. Do it, Jim.

8 grand. No worries.

Billy, Steve, I think our
problems are behind us.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, man. You stood up for yourself.

And I ate her out.

Looks like everything
turned out pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, I think...

Hey, there, Mike.

- Jimmy, don't buy anything yet.
- What? Why?

Angela left. She's going to
work for a management company.

- The deal's on hold.
- The holding deal's on hold?!

- The holding deal's on hold.
- What happened?

She left the network. She's
with... Got another job.

Don't worry. There's a new guy coming in.

In a couple of weeks, I'm
gonna get you a meeting.

You hang in there, buddy.

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm really happy you're
here, Jim. I'm a huge fan.

You're a very funny man.

- You're a family guy?
- Yeah.

- Ah, these your kids?
- Yes.

- What a handsome bunch of
boys these are. - Uh-huh.

They're on vacation in
your country right now.

The Great Barrier Reef...
have you heard of that place?

- I love it there. Having the time of their life.
- Yeah.

If you don't mind me saying,

your wife is a very attractive woman.

- I don't know how I got so lucky.
- Yeah.

22 years of pure wedded bliss.

- 22 years?
- I know. In Hollywood.

- It just doesn't happen.
- Doesn't happen.

- Yeah.
- You know?

I think that's half the reason
they hired me here... family man.

This is such a relief.

Well, Angela said some pretty
amazing things about you.

Think we can work something out, Jim?

I'm gonna have to say no.

I can't... I can't be sucking your cock.

I-I can't suck your cock!

It's... no.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com