All language subtitles for Leslie Nielsen s Bad Golf My Way (1994 - VHS) [English]

[Music]

In every age, in every place and time,

one man has always stood out from the

multitudes.

The solitary hero who embarks on an epic

quest for

glory. This is the story of such a man

and such a quest.

[Music]

Since time immemorial, when the cry of

four first echoed throughout the

pristine landscape of the ancient world,

the game of golf has been more than just

a test of human skill.

It has been a tale of courage and

determination as the valiant warrior

ventures forth to meet and grapple with

an implacable foe in the lonely arena of

personal

combat. Dramatic battles between good

and evil that will endure for as long as

men tell stories and other men actually

believe

them. And no matter how much time goes

by, it's still the same old

story. A fight for love and glory, a

case of do or

die. And you can bet sooner or later

you're going to be put to the

test. A money match against a

determined, sometimes vicious

[Music]

competitor. You jerk.

Boron. Here's my card. I'm free 3 weeks

from Saturday. Be there 6:30

sharp. Come here.

[Music]

Sister, can you break a hundred? Yes.

Yes, I can. I I'll tell you what. When

you can break 80, let me know and I'll

play you for the whole basket.

Did the uh Gulf Stream land yet? The

what? Michael Jordan's plane. Did it

land yet? Well, I don't know. Well, no

show, no match. Play or play. Looks like

he's going to forfeit another 5,000. Oh,

yeah. pulled the same thing last month.

Go figure. Yeah. Hey, look. Will you

give this to your boy Larry? Tell him to

stop driving that clunker. Gee, thanks.

A,000 bucks. Hey, easy come, easy go.

Tough luck about your match. Looks like

we both got stood up. I'm Brad Vancland.

Leslie Nielsson. Pleased to meet you,

Leslie. Now look, ironically, my match

with the governor just got cancelled.

Why don't we have a little game together

and work off our disappointments? Hey,

now aren't you the club champion? I'd be

no competition for you. I couldn't keep

up with you. I'm a bad golfer. That, my

friend, is the beauty of the handicap

system. That's why golf is so popular.

It's the game where bad golfers can beat

good golfers.

Really? But I don't need to tell you

that. Oh, by the way, what is your

handicap? 18. Well, that's not bad.

Okay, 18 holes. I'll give you a stroke a

hole. Except on the par fives and of

course the par threes, but you have to

agree that at the end of the front nine,

I have a chance to cut down on your

strokes if you're beating me too badly.

Anyway, you start at 18. Well, all

right. That that's very good of you.

Yeah. Now, you look like a real player.

The kind of redblooded sportsman who

likes a little action. What do you say?

Just to keep things interesting, we play

for um $500 Nassau. But I got to tell

you, 500 is absolutely all that I can

afford. You know, I never really

understand these gambling things in

golf. I just tell me how much can I

lose. Well, if you win the front nine

and the back nine, then you win the game

and you can win 1,500. But let's make

that an even 2,000. Now, if I win the

back nine and you win the front nine and

they're even, then we break even. And

obviously on the 9th and 18th hole, you

get to press your bet. But of course, if

the nine I win is better than the nine

you win, then I end up winning.

Well, I I see. Well, it's very

interesting.

Well, I can't tell you how delighted I

am to be playing with the club champion.

Maybe I'll pick up a few pointers.

[Music]

Oh, just a minute here. There you are,

sister. Ah, there you go. You're a very

generous man,

Brad.

Okay, there we

are. Here we

go. Now, let me see. Uh, we've got this

uh what that Nassau thing, right?

Michael Jordan and I like to have a few

side bets just to keep the fun in the

game. So, we'll have a $5 bill on

Bahamas, a $5 on Guatemalas, then a five

spot on Greenies, Perfies, Prunies,

first on uh then Bingle Bangle, Round

the Corner, Hot Pepper, Runaway Home.

What is this? Capture the flag, bring a

leio, pin the tail on the donkey. Look,

are we going to play a real game of golf

or not? Just having a little fun there,

Brad. I tell you what, we'll do it for

the first hole and then if you don't

like it, we'll do $10 on state capitals

and $20 on Russian

composers. Well, now you're the club

champion. You have the honors on the

first tea,

you know. Excuse me. I It's very rude of

me. I just thought to put this kind of

pressure on you. If it bothers you, I

can go first. It doesn't bother me, pal.

You're just being a gentleman. I can

see. You know, you're a little tense and

tight. I can see the awkward way that

you're holding your club there. No,

honestly, I don't mind going first. Suit

yourself.

But still, you're the club champion.

Clearly, you should have the honors on

the first team. Look, why don't you just

go ahead and hit? I tell you what, we'll

flip a

coin. Let's see. You

uh you got a coin in your pocket? I know

what we'll do. Hands behind the back or

even you know

I am going to hit. Well, all right. Go

ahead. Beautiful

drive. Absolutely perfect. Well, that's

$5 you owe me. I hit a near perfect shot

and I owe you $5. We just made the bet.

Remember Py's? Fine. Fine. Here is

$5. Let's just run a tab from now on

because that's how I hit him every time.

Whoa, what a

slice. Chita banana.

[Music]

Hey, there's no way a high handicapper

like you can make that shot. Take a drop

in the clear. It's only one penalty

stroke. I wonder how much wind there is.

What the hell difference does a wind

make the way you play?

[Applause]

Hey, wait a minute here. What's going

on? What are you

doing? What the?

Right, it's a pruny. There's a five. All

right, I won't argue with you. It's a

double pruny. There's a

[Music]

10. Well, well, looks like you're first

on. Yeah, that'll be another fiverr. No,

I'm first on. You owe me the five. No,

no, no, no. The bet is you get as close

to the green as you can without getting

on. Then you chip inside of each other's

ball. But if you get on the green, then

you lose. Of course, a good golfer is

always going for the birdie, and that's

why he always loses this bet. You see,

really good for your short

game. Of course, he always loses on this

kind of bet. It's a bet that balances

out the difference between the bad

golfer and the good

golfer. Beautiful potter birdie. Wow,

we're even. Steven, look. I'm going to

make you a wonderful offer. Let's say I

give you five bucks a hole for all these

dumb little bets of yours, and let's be

done with them. There. 17 holes left

times five is 85 bucks. Excuse

me. Greenies, prunies, perfys, first on

Guatemala, Bahama. We got a potential

here for several hundred.

That's right. All right, let's make it

an even 100. No, there is 200. Now,

let's cut all this crap and play some

real men's golf.

[Music]

You all right? Fine. Fine.

Let's just get on with it. Do you know

that Louis the 14th, the king of France,

never bathed in his entire

lifetime? Can you imagine how he

smelled?

[Music]

Okay, Brad, let it rip. You still have

the honors. Thank you, pal. And you'd

better get used to it because that's how

it's going to be all day.

[Music]

All right, cut it out now. Hold it down.

Can you believe this? Clowns on a golf

course. I'm shocked. Shocked. How dare

you? We're playing a golf game here. Is

this some kind of uh kindergarten

college fraternity gag? All right, get

out of here. Get moving. I'll show you a

funny exit. Give me that driver. I'll

wrap this around your neck in two

seconds. Get going. Get out of here.

[Music]

Got to leave your names at the

clubhouse. Get you in touch with a good

music teacher.

All right. Big dumb stupid joke. Big

dumb stupid. Don't let me find out what

your names are. I'll tell you that. I

uh Brad, I'm I'm really I'm sorry. I

can't handle this kind of thing the way

you do. You know, I understand what the

word quiet means to a fine golfer, to a

golfer of your caliber. See, I know that

your uh concentration is so pure. It

compounds all of your senses, especially

the sense of hearing. You can hear even

the smallest noise. I know what that

saying means when you say the fine

golfer can literally hear a person

changing their mind in the next room,

right? Would you

mind? I can't believe that.

Roll boy. Go

[Music]

roll. Water.

[Music]

Uh, Bren the rake. Here we'll get the

rake. Will you shut up and stop moving?

Well, you're still in my line of vision.

Get behind me.

Bye-bye.

[Music]

Yo, you know, in the 16th century, King

Philip II of Spain was laying siege to a

seapport town, and his daughter Isabella

swore that until the town fell she would

not change her underwear. Took 3 years

for that town to fall. Can you imagine

if she and No bath Louis the 14th got

together? What a dynamic duo they would

have

been pressure. How much can a player

take before he breaks? Why do some

golfers just snap like a twig and blow a

good lead while others maintain a steely

grip on their nerves through thick and

thin? Call it concentration. Call it

discipline. Call it nagorno karabak.

Whatever it is, it's a quality that

separates winners from losers and

separates losers from their

money. Uh Brad, my caddy is a wizard in

these greens. You know, Bob, in the

spirit of good sportsmanship, will you

lend a helping hand? Putt breaks left to

right. I don't know what the hell you're

trying to pull, pal. I know this green.

It breaks right to left, not left to

right. Sorry. Left to right. Right to

left. Well, Brad, is that your right or

is it his? Because if it is your right,

then you're right. But if it's his, then

left to right is right. Right. I mean,

if you're standing this way, then it is

your right. But if you're standing this

way, then left to right is right. Right,

Brad. Oh, right ahead. Right.

They left it short.

Well, what difference does it make left

to right, right to left if you leave it

short? Right.

That's a four for three at birdie. I win

the hole. So yours is a gimme.

[Music]

Come on. Come on. Let's get going. I can

see that bank roll just waiting to jump

into my pocket. You're absolutely right.

Slow play is the bane of golf. I tell

you what, let's play a speed hole.

Absolutely right.

Speedhole. Speedhole. Let's play. Right.

Right. Right.

Speedhole.

Okay. Speedhole. Speed

[Music]

hole. Heat. Heat.

[Music]

[Music]

Nice

putt. I wonder what happened to him.

Well, it's not easy picking up the knack

of playing a speed hole. Tell me about

it.

The golf swing has been endlessly

analyzed and yet it still remains a

mystery. And only one secret has

emerged. One swing thought that always

works. And that thought is don't think.

But you can't just forget not to think.

You must remember not to remember to

think. And you must not remember that

you forgot to remember. It's a lot not

to think about, but even if you

sometimes forget not to forget not to

think about your swing. There are ways

to help your opponent, remember to think

about

his swinging like a rusty gate. I got no

timing, no rhythm. Do I ever wish I had

your swing?

Brad, would you mind? I uh do we have

the camcorder always. Brad, would you

mind? I I hope this is not an

imposition, but I I'd like to film your

swing. You have the most incredible

swing I've ever seen. Now, you have the

precision of a Tom Watson. You got the

steadiness of a Jack Nicholas, the

awesome power of Peter Sterhouse. John

Dailyaly. John Dailyaly. Really? You

know, I'd like to have a record of it so

I could study it myself. Well, I guess

that would be okay. All right,

good. Just hold it just a minute. Uh,

you want to take a look at this? Look at

that

stance.

Perfection and the grip. A thing of

beauty.

Bad cartland swing. Take one.

All right. Hold it. Hold it. Take it.

All right. Thank you. We're rolling. All

right. Action.

Hey, what? I'm a little out of focus.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh. Oh, Brad. Oh,

you you were you were wonderful. Just

great. What a beautiful drive. Look now,

Brad, you're out there now. So, but

would you do me a favor? Could you uh

could you just do some practice swings,

please, for me? For Michael Jordan. Huh?

Please. All right. Okay. Good.

action. Oh, no, no, no. Brad, Brad,

you're all wrong.

What is the matter with that? No, no,

no. You're great. It's just that I think

that you think you too much, you know.

Let yourself go. Don't swing the club.

Let the club swing you. Right.

Take

four. Take

nine. Take

21. 35.

[Music]

48. Now Brad, you're not bringing the

club up as high as I normally would do.

You feel that, don't you? Oh, again.

Again. A superb matchal swing. I've

never seen anything like it. Beautiful.

Absolutely fabulous.

[Music]

You all right? Fine. I'm fine.

[Music]

Brad, you were just wonderful back there

in front of the camera. Did you ever

think about having an acting career? You

know, to be or not to be you. To putt it

hard, to putt it soft, that is the

question. To roll the pallet sphere, not

knowing where chance it may repose.

Oh, vile green that hath such breaks

upon it. Why dust thou punish men with

such deceptive

signs? In in sweet sphere and flights of

angels, speed thee to thy hole, please.

Thou rude and feckless blob of rubber

stuff. How canst thou come so close and

still not fall? Will you shut up? No, I

don't want an acting career. I hate

actors. I've never seen an actor who

could golf for beans.

Anyway, Brad, I didn't mean anything by

that. But it's just that back there I

thought you did a wonderful job of

acting. I'm not an actor. I'm a golfer

and a damn good one, too. And after

today, you'll remember my performance

long after the Academy Awards are dead

and buried.

Uh Brad, I didn't realize that you were

so sensitive. It's a game. You can't

really let a game take you over. You

know, the game never takes me over, pal.

But on your next trip to the bank,

you'll find out how much it takes you

over. Now, let's get on with

it. You all right? You sure didn't have

a good line in that putt, Brad? Is that

my marker? Yes, sir.

Okay. All right. That's a four for a

three. Best you can do is a par,

[Music]

Brad. It has been said that a woman

without a man is like a fish without a

bicycle. So it must follow then that

roses are red and violets are blue. And

I'm a schizophrenic and so am

I. A man of average stature with nothing

but a cape, a sword, and a pair of

fights and kills a huge rampaging

bull weighing as much as a half a ton.

Now, how is that possible? Of course, it

takes courage, daring, bravado, but most

of all, it requires the ability to

understand the nature of the beast

you're dealing with. If you can see into

his mind, it doesn't matter how big he

is or how hard he charges, he will be

putting in your hands. It's all a matter

of knowing what makes your opponent

tick.

Time to apply the repellent. Great

Scott, I forgot. This is the hall, isn't

it? Yeah.

What is that stuff? Dionasty

deathine. You better go ahead and spray

yourself, too. This is the only surefire

protection against the death head tick.

The what tick? The death. Didn't you

check the bulletin board back at the

club? This is what they recommend. It's

a small biting bug about the size of a

period at the end of a sentence. Ioxides

dimini. Ioxides dimini. Under a

microscope, the shape of its back is

like a skull, which is why they call it

the death head thick. Well, isn't that

great? They must have a wonderful time

at Halloween. You don't have any

repellent? No.

Uh, sorry. We're empty.

We better skip the hole. Not on your

life, pal. There's no way you're going

to be able to say this wasn't an

official 18-hole match.

You want to quit? You forfeit the match.

You lose the battle. Look, look, you go

right ahead. We're the ones who are

protected. You're not.

What happens when one of these things

bites you? It's on the bulletin board

back at the clubhouse. High fever,

seizures, paralysis, gangrine,

short-term memory loss. They even

suspect that the tick is a carrier of

leprosy.

Just a minute. Hold on.

Now, right up there by that tall tree.

Where? See? Just to the left of it. You

see that little dark cloud? That's a

tick swarm. No, right up there. I don't

see it. Just to the right hand side of

the tall tree. I something. What is it?

In the air. There was a swarm of them

right by his head. Get back. Mind

something in my ear. Hold on. Hold on.

That would be the worst place to get one

of those ticks in that ear canal. Are

you sure? Positive.

Well, that that does it. We'll skip the

home. Oh, no you don't. I'll tee off

from the blues. There's no way you're

going to get out of this match.

Go ahead. It's your funeral. Um, where

are these ticks likely to be? under the

trees. They can be all over. Just hope

that they're not around your ball. It's

a repellent that keeps them away. Now,

look, if you're going to play your ball,

get out of here fast. Get your club

fast. Get over there fast. Hit fast. And

don't pick up a divot. And don't knock

any dust up in the air because you'll

knock thousands of them up in the air

all over your

body.

Look, if you want to quit, that's up to

you. But you insisted playing this hole,

you know, so it'll be a forfeit.

No way,

[Music]

buster. Everywhere.

Come out of the car. Get out the spin

off the fairway. Get in there.

Leave me. They're all over. Wa. Feel

like they're all over me. What do these

things look like? Like little brown

spots. Freckles.

Oh my god. There's one. And another. And

here's one here. My god. Calm down. Calm

down. See if they're moving. If they're

not moving, then they're dust specks or

freckles. Unless they burrowed

underneath your skin. Then you'll have a

little tail sticking out. Or maybe it

looked like a hair. What? Tell you the

truth, he's got a lot of hair on his

arm. He sure does. I knew we shouldn't

have played this hole.

What do we stopped for? It's your ball

out there. The second shot didn't go too

far.

Got him. Got him.

Forget about the ball. Just drive on.

What? Are you quitting? No way. I'm just

conceding the hole. I'm not forfeiting

the game. We still have an official

match.

All right,

fine. Zen Buddhism, the ancient Japanese

spiritual tradition is filled with

paradoxes, puzzles, contradictions.

Does a tree that falls unnoticed in the

forest make a noise? What is the sound

of one hand clapping or one mind

snapping? The proud man of skill is

defeated by the inspired ineptitude of

the

clown. Or as the great 12th century poet

Sushi Toro says, Toro Mouuro

Hamachisaki

uniagi yaki sukiyaki.

translated, "Never give a sucker an even

break.

[Music]

What the?" He's gone to the woman's tea.

He goes a little haywire now and then.

Thinks he's Lizzy Bordon. He's got a

steel plate in his head. You know, old

war wound. Look, to keep this thing

even, you can tee off from up there,

too. I got this little cocktail number

here. And believe me, it's you. I'm not

going to wear a stupid dress. Okay, suit

yourself. No skin off my

nose. But yum, he can get

violent. I once saw him beat a

professional wrestler to a pulp. with

his purse.

[Music]

[Music]

Okie dokie.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I can't believe I hit my I hit it in the

water. I can't believe I drove the

green. Look, you almost did. Ah, well,

you'd have to be a very gifted golfer to

get that ball out of there. I don't even

think Jack Nicholas could get that ball

out. Would require monumental skill. Not

just skill. It would take genius. Now,

you're a very gifted golfer yourself,

Brad, but I don't think that you have

the power to execute that shot. But of

course, if you can hit the ball and put

it on the green, then go for the birdie

and make it, then you might win the

hole. But no, no, I think it'd be

impossible. Well, I don't know about

that. If you can make that shot, that

will go down as the greatest shot in

golf history. Well, get ready to see

history made.

Appearances are often deceiving.

Things are not always what they seem.

You may think that you have a clear

vision of reality, but the mind can play

tricks on you. And the easiest people to

fool are fools already. All right, we

are going to get one thing straight

right now. From now on, we are going to

play normal, proper golf, and we're

playing strictly by the rules. And I'm

doubling my bet. And from now on, I'm

keeping score. I always play by the

rules. Now, when you say that you're

going to play strictly by the rules, do

you mean all the rules? You can bet your

safety deposit box that's what I mean.

We're going to play by all the rules.

Absolutely. All the rules. Play by all

the

[Music]

rules. You hackers. You think you play

golf by the rules? You don't even know

what they mean. You don't play golf. You

play flog. That's golf spelled

backwards. Delay of game. 5 yd penalty.

You touch my ball one more time and I'm

going

to unsportsmanlike

conduct 15 yards. You miserable excuse

for a caddy. I am going to ring your

neck.

any continuation of this type of

behavior, mister, and I'm sending you to

the shower. If you wish to

quit, you lose the match and forfeit the

bet.

Quit.

Forfeit. No pruny greeny way, buster.

[Music]

Unnecessary

pretense. Illegal motion 10 yards.

Constitution.

If Van Cortland can sink this putt, it

will certainly be one of the greatest

comebacks in the history of golf. Van

Cortland has a 35- ft putt. It's going

to break to the right, then to the left.

So, the direction must be perfect, and

the speed of the putt must be perfect.

If he puts the ball too hard, it will go

past the hole. If he putts it too

softly, then it will come up short. Of

course, if he puts it hard and to the

right, then he will go past on the right

past the hole. If we should be on the

left, then he will go left past the hole

and then continue left because it's a

double break in the green from right to

left. If Van Cotlin makes the putt,

he'll go one up. That'll put a lot of

pressure on Neielson. If he were being

paid a salary, he'd certainly earn it

here.

Yes.

Van Cotland makes the putt and wins the

[Music]

hole. You can't predict when and where

the decisive moment in any battle will

occur, but you know it when you see it.

The final test, the critical moment.

There's a sudden rush of adrenaline, the

overwhelming urge to go behind a bush

and answer nature's age-old call to

arms. And in that final

accounting, when we are put on the

scales and weighed and shrink wrapped

and competitively priced, when our

scorecards are added up, will we be able

to say, "There by God went a man to be

reckoned with, a man of whom, it might

be said, in the memorable words of that

immortal poet, to strive, to

seek, to something

something, and not to yield.

[Music]

You call ahead at the Mongos? Yeah,

it'll be waiting for us at the green. We

can feed it then. Well, we'd better. We

should have fed it an hour ago. I hope

nobody's fiddling with that cage. You

remember what happened in Florida? Oh,

yeah. It was blood all over. Mongoose.

Yeah. Fastest animal in the world. We

use it to kill snakes. It's like a cross

between a Tasmanian devil and a

wolverine. You know about a wolverine.

It'll take food from a lion. It's got

jaws on it like a hyena. Can crush

bones. Go straight for the juggler vein

all the time. It's so fast. They call it

the merciful killer. It's so fast that

it's over before you know it hits

you.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you feed whatever you

want to feed. Just remember, we got a

press. Double or nothing.

Glove, what time is it? It's late. Yes,

it is late. He should have been fed a

long time ago. He's going to have a

voracious appetite.

Please, please, please. Now, listen.

This is a very dangerous animal here.

Look at the claw. Bob, you'll keep the

boy back. This is no place for kids. I'm

sorry.

Now look, I'd rather you weren't here,

but if you want to watch, then stay back

and be quiet. It's the fastest animal in

the world. They use it for killing

snakes, and this is a very dangerous

time. This is feeding time. And he's

hungry. Got the meat.

If he should get out, just turn and run

as fast as you can.

This is 15 lbs of beef. It's got a bone

in it. He's hungry. He'll go through

this in 15

seconds. Including the bone.

Don't call him the prairie piranha for

nothing.

Mommy, what's going on? I've never done

that before. We should have fed him

sooner. I'll go back and get more meat.

I saw a side of beef in the kitchen.

Maybe if we threw a blanket over it.

Blanket? You need a cyclone fence. Let

me try to give him a little meat first

now. Okay, fella. All

right. Okay. All

[Applause]

right. Yeah. Heat.

[Applause]

[Music]

Uh, hold it right here, fellas. Sister

Mr. Van Cordland has asked me to give

this money to you. Is that right, Brad?

Brad, is that right? Yeah.

Thank you, the children. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks. Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you.

[Music]

Fine golfer.

[Music]

A man brought low by his inner flaws,

his overweening pride, his stubborn

belief in his own

invincibility. The Greeks had a word for

it,

paripites, a sudden reversal of fortune,

a fall of a hotty man at the hands of

fate. Yes, those whom the gods wish to

destroy, they first teach how to play

golf.

And what can we learn from this epic

tale? If we do not study history, can we

study some simpler course instead? Like

Spanish or auto repair or like Edypus

who killed his father and married his

mother? Back in the days when family

values were more than just an empty

phrase. Are we doomed to ponder the

Sphinx's timeless

question? Answer me, oh foolish

mortal, what is

this? Only to return once again to the

age-old

answer, I do not

know, but here it comes again.

[Music]

[Music]

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Heat up here.

[Music]

Heat.

[Music]

Heat.

Heat.

[Music]

Heat.

[Music]

Heat. Heat.

[Music]