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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,040
This programme
contains adult humour.
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00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:08,640
Hullo there, ya wee bawbag.
3
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,080
Och aye, tam-o'-shanter,
there's been a mur-r-rder.
4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,760
# Whooaa Body-f-form
Bodyform for yooou! #
5
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,280
Grant, do you like shortbread,
Take The High Road,
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00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,880
drinking until you
pass out or flinging of any sort?
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00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,840
No. We have nothing in common.
8
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:28,680
People of Bar Salade.
Oh, good, Stalin's here.
9
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:46,160
Morning! Hi.
10
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,720
I had the
best dream ever last night.
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00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,960
If you get a moment, can you
wash my sheets for me?
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00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:56,080
Eugh. What do you want
for breakfast? Holy mackerel!
13
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,760
We don't have mackerel.
When have we had mackerel?
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00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,440
Who even buys mackerel?
15
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,040
Ooh, mackerel!
16
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,840
Bugger, bugger, buggery boo!
17
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:10,760
What's the matter?
Have they cancelled your
subscription to Woman's Realm?
18
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,240
I don't buy Woman's Realm.
19
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I buy Woman's Own.
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00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,160
What's the matter, then?
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,680
I got a letter.
A letter?! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ooh!
22
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,800
Who's the letter from?
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00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,520
Lewis's mum. She wants me to
take a paternity test for Lewis.
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00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:33,120
If I'm the dad, she wants me
to pay for him, for the 16
years he's been on this planet.
25
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,960
I just... I don't have the money.
26
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:39,160
I love the kid and I'll
give him everything I can but,
sadly, that amounts to...
27
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,880
basically some mackerel.
28
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,040
Not any more.
29
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,320
What am I going to do? Well,
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00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,320
you could try skipping the country.
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00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,560
From Land's End to John O'Groats?
And get sponsored?
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00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,680
That's a brilliant idea!
33
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,280
Oh, no. I was confused between,
"that's a brilliant idea"
34
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,560
and "get out of my face,
you turd-like ignoramus"!
35
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,160
No, leave the country.
36
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,760
Flee. I can't flee. Waah!
37
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,080
What? That seems reasonable to me.
Your reaction was over-the-top.
38
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,920
I got a letter!
39
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,080
A letter?! Ugh ugh ugh!
40
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,720
No. Look. Read.
41
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,240
Too slow.
42
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,040
I've been chosen! I've been chosen!
43
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,480
Michelle, I've told, you do not
qualify for the Special Olympics.
44
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,360
I am special.
I don't see what their problem is.
45
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:30,720
Anyway, I, Michelle Booth, have
been chosen to appear on...
46
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,440
Ba ba ba ba ba
ba ba ba ba ba! Big Brother!
47
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,720
Morning, Alex. Hello, Hedgehog.
How's it hanging?
48
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,400
It's hanging firmly
and slightly to the left.
49
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,520
You're a cheerful little
apricot today. Good news?
50
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,960
No, just high on life.
51
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,720
Work's going really well,
Judge John Deed is on UK Gold
52
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:59,120
and the two people who just had
breakfast left £2 on the bar. Yoink!
53
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,400
Good to see you back
on your feet, by the way.
54
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,560
Oh, how do you like the new face?
'Please say I'm pretty.'
55
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,160
You look exactly the same.
56
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,800
'Thank God.' The surgeon managed
to remove all the scar tissue.
57
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,880
You had a nick on your forehead.
58
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:17,720
You know, I don't understand
why people don't just accept
59
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:17,720
their bodies for what they are.
60
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,400
Is that why you're in the gym six
days a week? Accepting who you are?
61
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,800
I enjoy a Turkish bath.
62
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,480
I enjoy a Turkish Delight.
63
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,760
I don't work out for four
hours before I have one.
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00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,280
'No, but afterwards, afterwards,
I punish myself with sticks.'
65
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:36,720
I'm saying we've all got something
wrong with our bodies that
we'd like to change but we can't.
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00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,920
I've got hairy toes.
67
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,040
I've got a massive mole. Where?
68
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,560
In my garden. I'm not telling you.
It's personal.
69
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,640
Oh go on. I'll only find out
from one of your women.
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00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,680
It's on his ball bag.
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00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,880
And in cold weather it looks
like a portrait of Nelson Mandela.
72
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,440
How do you know that?
73
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,600
Michelle tells me everything
after a bottle of tequila.
74
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,480
Oh, and I suppose you're
perfect, are you, Jenny? No.
75
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:04,320
I have my faults. My eyelashes
are too short and I cannae grow my
hair past a certain length...
76
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,480
Who am I kidding? I'm perfect!
77
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,600
I was born with me tongue
stuck to the bottom of me mouth.
78
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,560
I'd have spoke like this
if they didn't snip it.
79
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,400
Hello, lay-thees.
How are you thoo-ing?
80
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,640
I wear stacked heels.
81
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:20,560
When I sneeze, a wee
bit of wee comes out.
82
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,720
My poo comes out at an odd
angle and hits the seat.
83
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,240
I don't shave
my armpits on a weekday.
84
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,400
I've got this really
weird lump on my testicle.
85
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,200
Are you ready?
86
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:45,040
Yeah. Go on, then.
87
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,520
Our fifth housemate is
Michelle Booth of Manchester.
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00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,320
She says she's a happy-go-lucky
girl and loves to be kind to dogs.
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00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,840
Hi.
90
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,600
Go on, then. Yay, woo, go Michelle.
91
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,040
Hi. OK, let's try the other one.
92
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,840
Our fifth housemate is
Michelle Booth of Manchester.
93
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,440
She says she's looking to
break a few hearts
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00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,680
and can be a complete cow
if she doesn't get her own way.
95
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,640
Boo. We really hate you.
96
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,280
You're quite rubbish.
97
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,200
Sod off! Sod off the lot of ya!
98
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,160
Hi, Davina!
99
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,800
I am so gonna win Big Brother.
100
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,280
Everyone thinks
they'd win Big Brother.
101
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,600
What you need is a thing, a gimmick.
102
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,360
We've seen everything
on it - gay, tranny, geek...
103
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,600
I think this year is the
year of the intellectual.
104
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,720
Yes, you're right. I could be like
the social commentator.
105
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,600
People would go, "Yes,
106
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,600
she's observant and also very pretty.
107
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,840
"She's almost as clever as a
Daily Mail columnist...only pretty.
108
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,000
"Michelle to win!" Quite.
109
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,640
Can't you get the least bit
excited for me, Chris? Fine.
110
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:58,880
I'm excited about an alarmingly
fatuous programme highlighting the
negligible talents of a bunch of...
111
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,520
..cool, media-savvy young thangs.
112
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,640
Ooh, am I really a thang?
113
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,800
You truly are. What's up with you?
114
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,960
Michelle, I'm really worried.
115
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,520
What if Lewis turns out to be
my son? Then you'll have to pay.
116
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,280
On the other hand,
what if he isn't my son?
117
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,480
Then woo-hoo! You're off the hook.
You never have to see him again!
118
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,080
Although, if you've got his phone
number, I wouldn't mind hooking
up with him when he turns 18.
119
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,520
I want to see him again. I wanna
go through with a paternity test.
120
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,480
I want him to be my son so much.
121
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,920
I'm gonna have to cash
everything in. And how are
you going to pay rent?
122
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:38,680
Our fifth housemate tonight is
Michelle, a self-confessed
intellectual with a stunning bottom!
123
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,000
Woooo!
124
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,400
If you don't go to the
doctor, I'll rip it off myself.
125
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,560
On the other hand,
I have sharper teeth.
126
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,560
Fine, fine. I'll go.
127
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,480
I'm just nervous, is all.
Grant, we know it's scary.
128
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,200
It's probably nothing.
129
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,280
Then again, I have known three
younger men who've had the big C.
130
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,320
I wish you wouldn't degrade
yourself by calling it the big C.
131
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,120
No! Cancer.
132
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:11,200
And testicular cancer is really
common, and treatable if they
catch it quickly enough.
133
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,760
D'you want me to come with you?
134
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:15,000
No, I really don't think so.
135
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,000
He needs a man, someone who
knows their way around a testicle.
136
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,560
Oh, and I don't? I'll have
you know I was the foremost...
137
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,320
There is no good way to
finish that sentence.
138
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,840
Grant, I'll come with you.
139
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,520
Might even get a free grope myself.
140
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,040
No, no,
neither of you is coming with me.
141
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:34,760
There's only one person I want
to accompany me on this
little expedition. Aargh!
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00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,000
Ah, ah, hi!
143
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,600
Mwah! I'm Michelle!
144
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,320
Hi. Mwah, mwah. And you are?
145
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,720
She's lost it this time.
146
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:49,400
Michelle, are you all right? Yes,
147
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:49,400
yes. I'm just practising my entry.
148
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,360
And now I must practise
my social commentating.
149
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,120
Seems like Alex thinks a lot of
himself, and I don't know about you,
150
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,000
but doesn't Jenny's accent seem
a little, shall we say, put on?
151
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,720
I think she's a spy.
152
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,760
Michelle, I
need to ask you something.
153
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,160
Now, it's nothing to worry about...
154
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,600
I surmise that Grant
is hiding something.
155
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,320
Perhaps he was born a woman. Hmm!
156
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:15,400
I'm sure it's nothing
at all to worry about,
157
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:15,400
but I need to see a doctor.
158
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,760
Housemates are always
putting things on.
159
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:22,320
I think this unplanned pregnancy
is a ruse to get sympathy
from you, the public.
160
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,200
It's just I've found this...
161
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,120
Well, I've sort of discovered...
162
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,240
I mean, look...
Michelle, what are you doing?
163
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,920
Nothing. Carry on.
164
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,440
It doesn't matter.
165
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,640
Fine. I'll go grab us a coffee.
166
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,080
What can I get you, you mad badger?
167
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,920
Alcohol.
168
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,760
Listen, I've got a secret,
but you mustn't tell anyone.
169
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,480
Oh, God, what have you given me?
170
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,160
I have been accepted to appear on...
171
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:57,240
ba da ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba!
Big Brother! Oh.
172
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,160
I'm gonna be famous.
173
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,360
You're gonna know a famous person.
Well done.
174
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:05,680
Only I have no discernible
talent, so I'm gonna need a gimmick.
175
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,760
Well, doesn't the camp-as-tits
one always win those shows?
176
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,200
Ahh... I mean oooooh!
177
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,400
You'll be just fine.
178
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,440
I know. I'll get
an appointment this afternoon.
179
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:23,400
And Jen, thanks for being so
supportive through the whole...
180
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,040
Cooooeeeeee!
181
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:32,400
Ooh, ducky, have you been sucking
a lemon or does your mouth always
182
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:32,400
looks like a cat's behind? Mmm-mmm!
183
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,480
Farewell, little piggies.
184
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,720
I hardly knew ye.
185
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,920
Chris, Chris!
186
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,800
Ask me if I'm free. Are you free?
187
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,400
I'm free!
188
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,640
Ooh, what's up with your face?
189
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,040
Look like you lost a
penny and found a turd.
190
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,840
Why are you talking like that?
I don't know what you mean.
191
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,880
I tell you, it's men like you that
can make a girl swoon. Oooh!
192
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:06,480
Good God. Ooh, 'ark at you.
193
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,920
What the hell are you doing?
194
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,640
It's for Big Brother.
I've decided to be the camp one.
195
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,880
# Tiptoe through the window,
by the window, that is
where I'll be coming... #
196
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,080
Oh, now I get it.
197
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,320
I thought you were going for the
massively offensive stereotype vote.
198
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,360
Fine, well,
I'll just make a list of all
199
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,840
the successful contestants
in the BB house
and see which one suits me best.
200
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,600
Michelle,
I've got something to tell you.
201
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,920
What? Well, since I've discovered
I'm going to be a granddad... What?!
202
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,680
That's not the bit that
affects you.
203
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,000
Oh, get the "me" bit, come on.
204
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,480
I want to take responsibility
for Lewis regardless.
205
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,280
But...me.
206
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,920
Doesn't matter about who
his father is biologically.
207
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,560
I choose to be
his father personally.
# But my love for you is brighter! #
208
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,280
What? You looked like
you were about to sing.
209
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,400
What I'm saying is,
I'm gonna have to move out.
210
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,480
I'll have to find somewhere cheaper.
Probably the street. Or halls.
211
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,240
Either way I'm gonna have to
stop washing. You can't leave.
212
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,800
I'd miss you. I'm sorry,
213
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,800
I just can't afford to live here.
214
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,560
You could get a proper job.
How could you?!
215
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,240
Sorry.
216
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,160
OK, well, you could move someone in.
217
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:16,440
While I'm away, you could stay and
look after the flat for me, and they
could pay you rent. Like a sublet.
218
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,680
You're really that
desperate for me to stay?
219
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,240
Yes. You're a great flatmate.
220
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,960
If you were in the Big Brother
house, I would never nominate you.
221
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,040
Wooh, ah, ah, ah, ah!
222
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,880
What was that?
I was trying out my comic villain.
223
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,200
And very nice it
was, too, you maniac.
224
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,280
I can't live here rent free.
225
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,200
Yes, you can, just till I get back.
226
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,240
And then you can sort something out.
227
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,400
I don't know, get a part-time job or
go part-time on your course.
228
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,200
I don't want you to go just cos
you got some old slapper pregnant.
229
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,600
That slapper is
the mother of my son.
230
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,200
But you're right, she was
boot-like in her ways.
231
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,000
Thanks, Michelle. I'll go
and hunt down a new flatmate.
232
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,680
And kill them! Oo-ah!
233
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,880
Too much?
234
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:14,600
It's quite sensitive, doctor,
and not the most dignified of
235
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:14,600
things to be coming to you about.
236
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,360
What the hell is that?!
237
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,600
I'm joking, I'm joking.
238
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,120
OK, now that we're fully relaxed...
239
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,720
Yeah. Would you like to tell
240
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,720
me what the problem is? Er...
241
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,160
Well...I've found a lump on my...
242
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,080
Testicles, yes.
How on earth did you know that?
243
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,800
I'm just that good a doctor.
244
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:44,240
Really? Cos you might want to open
with that next time rather than the
whole shouting and pointing thing.
245
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,400
I've seen this a million times.
246
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:50,400
You're scared, you can barely bring
yourself to say the word "testicle",
247
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,600
you've probably practised what
you were going to say to me
a thousand times...
248
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,840
I have. I even recorded it
on a Dictaphone in case my
249
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,840
nerves rendered me speechless.
250
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,840
'I have a lump on my balls!'
251
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,600
Inventive.
252
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:11,720
And you know, the reason I knew
what you were going to say
was because this is so common.
253
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:16,200
It's usually a cyst or
some birth abnormality that you
haven't noticed before.
254
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,640
Oh, thanks, doctor,
you've really put my mind at rest.
255
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,360
Well, see ya. Bye.
256
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,000
I'm just going to check, though.
It's best to be safe.
257
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:29,720
So if you could drop your trousers
and your underwear, and let's
see what we're playing with. What?
258
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,360
I'm not going to
play with it.
259
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,840
And those, please.
260
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:42,040
I know. I just thought it's so
embarrassing having your willy
261
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:47,360
poked and prodded that wearing
French knickers might distract me.
262
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,800
It's nothing I haven't seen before.
263
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,080
So if just try to remain
as relaxed as possible.
264
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,320
Still, it's nice to get out of
the house every once in a while.
265
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:09,840
Even if it is to have your genitals
squeezed by a total stranger.
266
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:14,640
For some it might be a reason
TO get out of the house. Ha ha.
267
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,840
I said "ha ha".
268
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,480
You can get dressed now, Mr Grant.
269
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,680
Take a seat, please.
270
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,520
What?
271
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:31,080
I don't want you to be
worried, but I'd like you to have
a biopsy as soon as possible.
272
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:35,440
I suppose I could move things
around next week, though
I do have works drinks.
273
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,560
How about the Thursday after?
How about now?
274
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,160
I forgot how much I liked
hanging out with you.
And how much is that?
275
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,720
How much wine do we have left?
276
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,120
Half a bottle? Precisely that much!
277
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,960
So...enough to live here?
278
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:59,200
What? Well, Michelle's going
to go away for a while and
say she wins Big Brother. Ha!
279
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,920
She's going to be down in
London all the time,
I'm going to need a new flatmate.
280
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,720
Brilliant. When can I move in?
As soon as Michelle leaves.
281
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,640
This is going to be so great. I get
someone actually cool to live with!
282
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,320
Yeah, and I get...
283
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,240
You!
284
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,960
I'll take you to
all the best parties.
285
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,040
I'll read to you from
all my favourite books.
286
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,960
I'll bring us all back
here for an after party.
287
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,080
We can throw water
bombs off the balcony.
288
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,480
To water the building's
chrysanthemums. And I can cook...
289
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,400
A pan of hash brownies.
And we can have film nights.
290
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,000
That end at half nine.
And we can do the housework.
291
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,280
Incredibly irregularly.
292
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,280
And we can make our own clothes.
293
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:41,000
That last for ten times longer
by washing them
in ecological washing powder.
294
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,600
And we can both agree...
295
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,680
That this sounds like
the worst idea ever!
296
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,920
It does.
Sorry, Chris. I'm sorry too.
297
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,360
I'd better get to work.
298
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,920
Thank you. Oi!
299
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,280
So, have you found a new flatmate?
300
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:06,400
No. Then maybe you should try one
301
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:06,400
of these. OK. I'm the gobby bitch.
302
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,120
See what you think.
303
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,080
Hey bwoi. What you thinking giving
me yo ninja shit like dat, bwoi?
304
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,680
You don't even know me, yeah?
305
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,840
I know people, bad people
that can cut ya. Yeah?
306
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,600
Moronic. OK, what about this one?
307
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,200
What's the capital of the moon?
308
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,600
Have you been eating cat?
Does my epidermis looks big in this?
309
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,800
No? OK.
310
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,080
How about the upper class bigot?
311
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:37,120
You know, if I had a penny for
every time I'd paid a small Filipino
312
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,120
woman to do a poo on my chest,
I'd be even richer than I am now.
313
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,560
Afah fah fah fah fah!
314
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,920
I'm going to go to Bar Salade,
see if there's anyone
there who'll live with me. Fine.
315
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,840
There's only one thing for it.
316
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,240
They saw me straight away of course.
317
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,040
And I've been
private for years so...
318
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,440
they're phoning
through my results today.
319
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:06,320
You've gone private? Isn't that
a bit of a Conservative voting,
middle England, plutocratic...
320
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,720
Yeah, you might be dying,
I'll shut up.
321
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,840
So all I can do now is wait.
322
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,800
Have you told Michelle?
She'd want to know.
323
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,240
She's got her heart set on
this whole Big Brother thing.
324
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,840
I can't ruin that for her,
it might be nothing.
325
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,400
You're her best friend.
326
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,200
How would you feel if she didn't
tell you she had lumpy genitals?
327
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,160
I think you'll find...
Shut up, Alex!
328
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:29,280
Grant, you must tell her,
she'll be gutted if she thinks
she wasn't there for you.
329
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,840
You're right.
330
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,520
Wish me luck. Good luck.
You'll be fine. Don't worry.
331
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:38,720
Grant, I can't stop.
Looking for a flatmate.
332
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,440
Hey, Chris, sorry, can't stop,
I might have cancer.
333
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:45,040
Oh...you win!
334
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,400
Alex, we've always got on.
335
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,680
Have we?
God, how do your enemies treat you?
336
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,440
Now, seriously.
337
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,560
Have you ever thought how great
it would be to live together?
338
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:06,640
Oh! Chris! This is all so sudden,
it's all moving so fast,
but Chris, my darling, yes!
339
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,600
Yes! A thousand times, yes!
340
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:09,680
Oh, forget it.
341
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,480
Actually, if you need someone
to live with you, my mate Batesy
342
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,040
needs a place to crash.
Only for a few weeks mind.
343
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,240
No way, I'm not having one of
your idiotic friends changing
344
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:22,200
spark plugs or drinking petrol
or whatever they do on my hearth.
345
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,440
Ey up, Batesy!
346
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,560
I'll take her.
Does she come in brunette?
347
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,200
She'll come in a second
if you stick it up her arse.
348
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,600
Thank you very much, doctor. Yeah.
349
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,120
Take care now
and I'll see you soon.
350
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,840
Yeah. Cheerio!
351
00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:02,480
I'm an excellent vintage. Michelle?
352
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,680
Grant!
353
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:11,560
Grant, I missed you so much,
so, so much. Oh, I love
you, I'm so proud of you!
354
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,880
I'm going stay with you forever now.
355
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,880
Oh, so, did someone tell you?
356
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,520
Do you think that's too
dramatic for my Big Brother exit?
357
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:23,600
Oh. Well, no actually, if you
did that I'd be very happy indeed.
358
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,800
If I were there.
Of course you'll be there.
359
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,400
You're always there.
There'll never not be Grant.
360
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,560
Now can you come role play with me?
361
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:35,680
I need to get used to being
in a really small space
with really irritating people.
362
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,000
Let's try the balcony.
363
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,120
This isn't small enough.
364
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,040
Move closer to me.
365
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,880
No, closer than that.
366
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,440
OK, you try being a
better housemate than me.
367
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:53,160
We'll compete for
Heat covers and the latest
eating disorders. Michelle...
368
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,360
OK, I'll go first.
369
00:19:54,360 --> 00:20:00,480
Being a working class everyman,
I shall cheerfully make us
a lovely plate of beans.
370
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,520
I like dogs.
371
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,520
You're not putting
any effort in at all.
372
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,120
This is my dream,
you've got to try harder.
373
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,160
I have cancer.
374
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,480
Brilliant!
Playing for the sympathy vote. Fine.
375
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,320
I have AIDS.
376
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,080
I can't believe you're
trying to out-disease me.
It's a dog eat dog world!
377
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:27,600
We should go for a drink tomorrow
to celebrate your impending stardom.
378
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,800
It'll be one of the last
you'll ever have to buy yourself.
379
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:34,000
Brill, shall we say six?
My car's picking me up at eight.
380
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,880
I thought it didn't
start for another month.
381
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,320
Yeah, but I have to go into
complete seclusion
382
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,960
for a couple of weeks before,
no calls, no letters or emails.
383
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,280
So this'll be goodbye!
384
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,600
Yeah. It might.
385
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,160
This is corked.
386
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,920
Another bottle of champagne!
And put it on my tab.
387
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:14,000
And when exactly is this
tab going to be settled? Oh, here.
388
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,920
God, it's like my Dreamboys
days come back to haunt me.
389
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,200
Where's Grant?
He should be here by now.
390
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,400
He's probably sulking.
I've told him I'll be out
391
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,560
before he knows it, it's not
like he's going to die or anything.
392
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:39,840
Michelle, you do know
about Grant, don't you?
What? What about him?
393
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,760
Has he planned something special?
Don't ruin the surprise.
394
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,480
Oh, for God sake, you blind bastard.
He had to have a biopsy.
395
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,240
They're worried about the lump.
396
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,160
What lump?
397
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,560
The one on his balls.
398
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,040
Oh, he did mention it.
399
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,640
Something about cancer, but...
400
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,640
You had more pressing things on?
401
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,640
I thought he was playing.
402
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,120
Men often joke to women about
such matters along with being
impotent and weeing the bed.
403
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,240
Golly gosh, what larks.
404
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:15,400
"This is the last
will and testament of I,
Grant Aloyisius Grant.
405
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,960
"I hereby declare
being of sound mind,
406
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,040
"that all my worldly goods be left
to the one true love of my life -
407
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,840
"The Welsh National
Tiddlywinks Foundation."
408
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,720
How old is this thing?
409
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,840
Grant. Oh, hello, Michelle.
410
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,920
Ah, God, am I late? I'm so sorry.
411
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,120
Look, I'll come right away...
412
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,840
After I tidy this up.
413
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,680
No.
414
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,840
Are you OK? Yes, it's only paper.
415
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:47,280
Grant, I know about
your...lumpy dilemma.
416
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,960
Ah...
417
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:53,160
Well. There you go.
I can't leave you. What?
418
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,520
I'm not going. I can't leave
you like this, I want to be there.
419
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,360
But you've been so looking
forward to it. It's your dream.
420
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,560
I know, but...
421
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,160
You're too important to me.
422
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,520
It's benign.
423
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,440
I'm totally healthy.
424
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:15,360
It's just...a cyst or a
birth abnormality.
I just need a good lancing.
425
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,480
Eww! That's disgusting!
426
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,800
I mean, thank God.
427
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,160
I've been so worried about you.
428
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,480
So, shall we go and wave you off?
429
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,360
OK.
I've saved you some champagne.
430
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,240
Well, I feel like celebrating,
or getting utterly wasted.
One of the two.
431
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,080
Will you miss me when I'm gone?
432
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,720
Yeah. Will you miss me when...
433
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,680
Come on.
434
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,840
Great news that you're fine.
435
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,600
I'm not fine, Alex. What?
436
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,240
I have cancer.
437
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,720
But let's not let it
ruin the night.
438
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:58,480
Although later on tonight
I have to have one of my bollocks
lopped off,
439
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,840
so, for me, the night is kind of
440
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,840
on a downward trajectory.
441
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,200
Shit, mate.
Now, you mustn't tell Michelle.
442
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:10,000
She's been waiting her whole life
for an opportunity like this
443
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,440
and I'll probably be better
by the time she comes out.
444
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,920
She need never know. But as your
best mate she'd want to...
445
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,040
One word and I'll take
your testicles with me.
446
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,600
All right, I'll not tell Michelle.
447
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,120
Jenny.
448
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,040
Grant's got cancer, tell Michelle
for us, will you? You bastard!
449
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,360
I didn't tell her.
Jenny, if you say one f...
450
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,480
I'll be quiet.
451
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,680
Please, please, don't tell Michelle.
Michelle already knows.
452
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,160
Why the hell didn't you tell me?!
453
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,840
Have you ever considered a
career as a Macmillan nurse?
454
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,560
I'm not going, Grant.
455
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:54,040
I want to stay and look after you
and feed you, and wash you
456
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,680
and bring you buckets of sick.
Bring me buckets of sick?
457
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,520
Well, I don't know. I've never
looked after anyone before.
458
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,040
Look, it's a simple operation
with some radiotherapy
459
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,320
and then I'll be
back up on my feet in no time.
460
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,000
If you still have feet!
461
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,120
What if you have foot cancer?!
462
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,800
I'm not leaving you, Grant.
463
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:15,280
You won't, I'll watch you on
the telly. I'll watch the live
streaming all the time.
464
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,760
Plus it'll be more entertaining
than the buckets of sick.
465
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,640
Don't be stupid.
466
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,000
I'm not, plus you'd be no use here.
467
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,400
I've got lots of people to
look after me. We'll help out.
468
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,080
I can bring buckets of sick.
469
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,160
I've never looked
after anyone either.
470
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,400
Michelle,
I'd prefer you to entertain me,
471
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,000
and with the live streaming
you can entertain me 24 hours a day.
472
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,840
Even at night when you're making
those silly noises in your sleep.
473
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,280
The what?
474
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,280
ALL SQUEAK AND GRUNT
475
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,680
Plus I'll vote for you all the time.
476
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,800
The vote is to evict me.
477
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,040
Well, I would miss you a bit.
478
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:01,240
Plus, you know,
479
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:01,240
I don't want you to see me bald.
480
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,800
Or being sick.
481
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,000
I don't want you to see me fallible.
482
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:09,000
Actually can I opt out of that
whole vomity sick thing too? What?
483
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,200
I can be in charge of Lucozade.
484
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,280
CAR HORN BEEPS
485
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,280
Michelle, your car's here.
486
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,360
Get better. I will.
487
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,040
Well, we should
finish this champagne.
488
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:39,080
I'm not allowed any but...
489
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,080
I might like an early night.
490
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,320
Yeah, Alex, it's empty,
can I go early too?
491
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,160
I might close.
492
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:51,480
Grant, can I get you a cab? No! No.
I don't want any special treatment.
493
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:57,320
Well, you're going to get it. And
Chris, I'm in charge of Lucozade.
494
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,360
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