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1
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Just because they caught me having
sex with my legal secretary, doesn't
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give them the right to suspend
me on full pay pending an enquiry.
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00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,640
I, Michelle Booth am doing
a selfless act of charity.
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00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,160
Well, that's the drunken bender out
the way. Nope, you're still here.
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00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,720
I fear nothing!
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Sounds like a challenge.
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Woooaah!!
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Arghhh!!!
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This programme contains adult humour.
10
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,720
Look Grant! I'm a duck! Quack quack.
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Oh, yeah.
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Quack!
Look Grant, I'm a 'peeking' duck!
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SHE LAUGHS
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Quack!
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00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,840
Oh, I'm so funny.
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00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,520
Hilarious Michelle, but right now
I need you to shut the duck up.
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00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,480
I promised Mr Lumley I'd have a new
client by tomorrow,
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00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,840
and I've got nothing.
What am I going to do?
19
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,680
Mmmm. It's a difficult one.
20
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,520
I think I'll phone a friend.
21
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Hello? Aargh.
22
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This is serious, Michelle.
I'm still on probation.
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If I mess up again you can kiss
goodbye to that hole-punch. Oh!
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00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,760
I'll lose all stationary privileges.
25
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,880
They're talking about
restricting the laminator.
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We'll still have fun!
You love working with me.
27
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,360
We have a right laugh.
28
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,440
No, you have a right laugh, Michelle.
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I have an ulcer.
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00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,680
You could be one of those
'No Win, No Fee' lawyers,
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like you see on the adverts.
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00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,120
Having just been injured
in the workplace myself,
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I can see how compensation
might be a comforting thought.
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I don't think stapling your OWN
head is grounds for compensation.
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00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:44,920
But you might be onto
something there, Michelle. Really?
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00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,800
I've seen those injury claim
companies pestering people in town.
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I could do that.
Someone's bound to sign up.
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See, I'm funny and a genius.
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00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,960
You are so lucky to have me as a
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00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,960
friend. Let's go and buy shoes.
41
00:01:55,960 --> 00:02:00,480
No, I'm too busy! Why can't you
get yourself some female friends?
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I have female friends! Name them.
43
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,120
Jenny...
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Grant.
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You just can't get
on with girls, can you?
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SHE SIGHS
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00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,200
It's a curse. It's not
my fault, it's my delicate beauty!
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It's your big fat ego.
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Fine, I'll show you. I'm going
to make me some female friends,
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00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,360
like some sort of
lovely lady lesbian.
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00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,840
Without the whole you know...
Ah-la-la-la-la!
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SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
53
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,600
What are we laughing at?
54
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,120
Jealous.
55
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,080
Not my fault that I'm
swan-like and graceful.
56
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,760
This place is a death trap! Alex is
refusing to come out of the cellar.
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00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:49,880
Like Tom Cruise?
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00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,960
The cellar, Michelle.
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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,520
ALEX! It's Michelle!
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Are you all right? I'm hideous!
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Don't be silly, Alex, come out.
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It can't be that bad.
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LAUGHS LOUDLY
64
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,240
Me beautiful face is ruined.
I look hideous.
65
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,720
I'm keeping these bandages
on until the scars have gone.
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00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,200
Cos you wouldn't want to
draw attention to yourself.
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00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,160
This isn't funny! I'm mortified! No,
you're 'mummified'.
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00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,880
THEY LAUGH
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00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,880
Huh, good one.
70
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,800
You don't understand, this is the
longest I've ever been without sex!
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00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,680
How long has it been?
18 hours!
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00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,240
I've got balls the size of
Space-hoppers, yet no drunk
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00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,240
students will bounce on them.
74
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,840
Perhaps you could try actually
talking to women for a change.
75
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,040
The only words I wanna hear a woman
say is...
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00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,040
MIMICS CHOKING
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00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,240
Alex, that is grossly offensive!
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00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,680
And getting aroused
by Bulimia is really not on.
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00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,440
HE SIGHS
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00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,440
I'm in agony, Michelle!
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00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,840
Only the warm touch of a beautiful
woman can help ease my pain.
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00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,080
I'll go and see if skanky
Sabrina's in the toilets.
83
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,360
Urgh, thank God I've got tonight
off. I know...
84
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,200
Let's go out together tonight!
85
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,960
I've not had
a girlie night out in ages.
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00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,880
Aww. That's because
women don't like you, doll.
87
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:11,120
What? Women love me. Ha! I'm nice!
I've always been lovely to you!
88
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,960
No you haven't. We've
been mates since uni, but you
haven't always been nice to me.
89
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,800
How can you say that?
90
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,000
Last summer? In Dumfries? Well...
91
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,520
You knew I had a nut allergy, and
you still forced me to play 'Russian
Roulette' with that bag of Revels!
92
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:28,600
My throat swelled up so much
I looked like Sandy Toksvig!
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00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,440
SHE LAUGHS
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00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,440
That was hilarious!
95
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,760
You're just not a girly girl.
Come out with me tonight.
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00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,360
You can stay at mine. No! No way.
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00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,400
You, women and copious
amounts of vodka do not mix.
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00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,920
You've never had a girls night
out without it ending in a fight.
Oh, come on Jen, we're adults now.
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I've changed. I'm mature. Ha!
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00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:52,000
I'm serious! Come out with me
tonight and I'll prove how nice I
am.
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Oh, all right. I'll even hold
your hair back while you...
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SHE WRETCHES
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00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,880
Hello, did I hear the magic words?
104
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,120
What did you want to see me about?
105
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:12,280
I can't stay away from work too long,
106
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I need to find some new clients.
My bosses hate me.
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00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,600
Aww, Grant, everyone's bosses hate
you. This time it's serious.
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They've banned me from using
the laminator. This is work!
109
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It's legal advice I'm after... I've
decided right I'm in my 30s
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and something's missing.
Something huge.
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No. Not that, my penis is
both huge and immaculate.
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I've decided that
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I want to adopt.
114
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What?
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00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,800
You can't adopt a child, Chris!
116
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,120
You're an idiot!
Chris, you couldn't handle a baby!
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00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,040
Have you even thought about
the constant crying,
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00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:49,920
being vomited on, and never escaping
the aroma of faeces and talc?
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00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,120
I live with Michelle.
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00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,320
Fair point.
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00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,560
But if you're serious about
this, then why not have a
baby the old fashioned way?
122
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You know, with a woman?
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Enough said.
Every relationship I've had has been
a disaster. I don't need a woman.
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00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,400
I can be one of those trendy, single
mothers you hear so much about.
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00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,920
Like Prince Charles. Or Judy,
with her lovely son, Richard.
126
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,680
Chris, you are not ready to be a Dad.
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00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,760
You can't even grow a moustache!
128
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,880
I want to be a father
not Freddy Mercury.
129
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,360
You don't have any of the basic
requirements for being a father.
130
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,760
You don't even own one
Dire Straits CD! So what?
131
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,080
You haven't even got a tool kit.
132
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:34,040
Ah, Bampy always had a spanner
in his pocket when I was a child.
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00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:38,600
Or a screwdriver. Or a raw sausage.
134
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,240
Michelle's got a spirit-level.
135
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,560
She uses it to check her
nipples are in alignment.
136
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,600
That's how she gets them so perfectly
symmetrical! Will you help me or not?
137
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,440
No-one's going to let
you adopt a child, Chris.
138
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,040
You are a child. No, you're a child.
139
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,360
I'm not giving up on this, Grant. I
know I'll make an excellent father.
140
00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,400
Well, good luck with that,
you nutter. I've got to go.
141
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,480
Michelle has given me a great idea to
drum up more business
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00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,880
and get me back in the bosses'
good books. Oh, yeah? What's that?
143
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,640
No win no fee!
144
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,640
Have you been injured at home
or in the workplace, madam?
145
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,200
Sir! Sir! Have you been injured
at home or in the workplace?
146
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,720
Have you been injured at
home or in the workplace?
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00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:31,000
'Am I invisible? I need to take
the direct approach.'
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No win, no fee!
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CRASHING
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00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,920
SCREAMING AND ROARING
151
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THEY SCREAM
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HORNS BLARE AND CARS CRASH
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Hi, Chris!
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Can't stop, I've got a big night out
with ba-ba-ba-ba...
155
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:05,600
Jenny! OK. First I need a drink!
156
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,520
Mmmm... What are you doing?
157
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,440
If you've posted another video on
YouTube of me shaving my arse...
158
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,800
I'm looking for kids, Michelle.
159
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,240
Oh...my...God.
160
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,720
No! I'm researching adoption.
161
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,480
I've decided I'm
ready to be a father.
162
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,680
Ha! What? You're not mature
enough to have a baby!
163
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,040
You are a baby! Shut up!
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00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:36,160
Chris, you suck your thumb,
you're addicted to milk. I'm
165
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:36,160
serious about this, Michelle.
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00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,160
I have all the qualities it
takes to be a good father.
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00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,600
I'm protective, supportive,
reliable.
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00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,360
Chris, that's all the qualities
of a good sanitary towel.
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00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,320
You've never even spent time with a
child! How can you possibly
know if you'd be a good Dad?
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00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,640
You're right.
I really need to practise being a
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00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,640
Dad on someone else's kid first.
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00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,680
Then it doesn't matter
if I screw the kid up.
173
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,280
Cheers, Michelle! My pleasure,
Chris.
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00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,840
Anytime. Because I'm an extremely
great friend, wouldn't you say?
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00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,400
Full of maternal, feminine kindness,
empathetic,
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00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,160
considerate, sensitive,
observant of other's needs.
177
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,520
Chris?! Urgh...
178
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:23,880
SHE CHEERS
179
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,920
Right! Tequila! Down the hatch
biatch. No, no, no, I can't...
180
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,440
Down it, you light-weight, you've
had worse than that in your mouth.
181
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,280
A certain headmaster springs
to mind... Will you keep your
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00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,480
voice down.
Was that what he said?
183
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,400
No, he said keep your lunch down.
184
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,480
Urgh!
185
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,680
I'm glad we're spending
time together.
186
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,760
See, I told you we could have a
night out together without fighting.
187
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,960
It's been 14 minutes. Yes, and we're
getting along, it's like Sex And The
188
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,960
City!
189
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,760
Only we're not 70 and
I don't look like a horse.
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00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,760
THEY LAUGH
191
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,440
Oh, doll, I'm sorry about what
I said earlier, you're great
company when you loosen up!
192
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,560
Well, I've matured. There's more to
being mature than
having stretch-marks, Michelle.
193
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,720
THEY LAUGH
194
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:14,000
This is great. It's been so long
since I've had some female company.
195
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:14,000
Because women dislike you?
196
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,840
No... because I'm
always surrounded by gentlemen.
197
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:22,720
Women see me and they want to be me.
Men see me, and they want
to be up me.
198
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:27,600
If you're so irresistible, how
come I haven't seen one bloke look
at you since we came in here?
199
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:28,920
Grant!
200
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,960
See? Grant can't take his eyes off
me. It's embarrassing.
Yes, yes, it is.
201
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,280
He's been in love with me for years.
Poor little bugger.
202
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,360
What's going on with you and Grant?
203
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:45,360
It's complicated. Grant and I
have a very special connection.
204
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,840
He wants to protect me and buy
me things. And I want to let him.
205
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,720
But you don't fancy him?
206
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,800
No! No. Definitely not.
207
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,800
Today really couldn't get much worse.
208
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:04,160
Not only have I found a shredded
turd in my office, and managed to
209
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:09,280
cripple half of Manchester with
a crate of oranges, and now I
am being pelted with olives.
210
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,000
I hate olives.
211
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,160
I think they might fire me if
I don't drum up some business.
212
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,680
I'll never see my laminator again.
It's worse for me. You've had your
whole life to get used to
213
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,560
having a horrible face. This is a
new experience for me.
214
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,520
Oh, my word! I've just thought!
215
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,240
I could represent you!
216
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,320
We could get you some
compensation for your injury at work.
217
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,880
No. What I need is advice on getting
a woman... 'I can't believe that
sentence just came out me mouth.'
218
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,080
You could try the old 'Oirish charm'.
219
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,160
Ladies love the old 'Oirish accent'.
220
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,160
It's worth a shot.
221
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,720
I don't know if I'm just drunk,
but you are such a laugh!
222
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:48,520
I know! Right, another shot! Right,
ready?
223
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,160
Go!
224
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,480
Hilarious! Ha, yeah!
225
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,640
Just going to the loo.
226
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,320
What do you want, Alex?
227
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,680
IN AN IRISH ACCENT: Power Shower.
228
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,680
Situation. You foight like me Dad.
229
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,680
What?
230
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,200
Potatoes!
231
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,800
Have you had a stroke?
232
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,280
I'm being Irish.
And if you're offering a stroke...!
233
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:24,360
You'll
be unconscious if you don't stop
rubbing your cock against my leg.
234
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,760
I won't tell you again, Alex, I
don't wanna have sex with you.
235
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,880
IN IRISH ACCENT: You are so frigid!
236
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,880
I am not frigid!
237
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,320
I just don't want to have sex
with The Phantom of The Opera.
238
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,680
Frigidaire. I am not frigid!
239
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,040
I'll prove it.
240
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:53,800
Ah, feck. Grant! How dare you!
241
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,840
You just couldn't leave it alone,
could you? Petty, petty, petty.
242
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,840
You've always been the same! If I
had something, you had to have it
243
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,840
too.
244
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,800
That's not true.
Genital warts was all yours.
245
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,680
What do you think you're
doing, messing with poor
246
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,680
Grant's emotions like that?
247
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,120
You know full well he's in love
with me. You'll just confuse him.
248
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,200
He'll be like a dog when you
pretend to throw a ball.
Calm down Michelle.
249
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,040
You said there's nothing going on
with you two, so why are you
bothered?
250
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,160
It's the principal, Jenny!
Don't shit on your own doorstep!
251
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,520
Oh, come on, Michelle, I've seen you
do that on more than one occasion.
252
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,640
I couldn't unlock the door in time!
And you promised never
to mention it.
253
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,760
So I kissed Grant... so what?
254
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,960
Get over yourself, Michelle,
you're really not that hot.
255
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,480
Saggy? Yes. Hot? No, not really.
256
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,440
How dare you! I am not saggy!
257
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,160
My nipples are in perfect
alignment... I checked.
258
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,680
Sorry did I say saggy?
I meant slaggy.
259
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,520
That's why women don't like you.
That's it!
260
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,440
I'm gonna kick you in the sporran.
261
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,440
Calm it down, girls.
We'll have no fighting in this bar.
262
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,440
SHE SCREAMS
263
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,560
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
264
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,480
You bitch! I'm telling my mum.
265
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,480
SHE LAUGHS
266
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,560
Oh, ow! Ouch!
267
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,480
SHE MOANS
268
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,080
SMASHING
269
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,320
Oh!
270
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,320
THEY SCREAM AND GROAN
271
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:21,440
Ow!
272
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,760
Yeeeaaarrrrgh!
273
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:23,800
Yeeeaaarrrrgh!
274
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:28,920
Yeeeaaarrrrgh! Aarrrgh!
275
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,200
SHE SCREAMS
276
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,280
Get off, Michelle!
277
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,920
Yeah, get off with her, Michelle!
278
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:50,240
Just say your sorry. I haven't done
anything! Say it!
279
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:55,440
OK, OK. I'm sorry...
that you've got saggy tits,
but don't take it out on me.
280
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,760
SHE SCREAMS
281
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:06,600
That's it, Jennifer. I've tried
282
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:06,600
to be nice, but I've had enough.
283
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:12,480
Nice? You just twatted me with a
284
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:12,480
five inch peeptoe platform with
cross stitch detail on the join!
285
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,640
Well, you deserved it.
286
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,800
You know what you're just a horrible
slut, and no friend of mine.
287
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:23,600
Get out, and don't think
you'll be darkening my doorstep
tonight you Highland Ming.
288
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,640
You Scottish short arse.
289
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,200
You Haggisy hag.
290
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,400
You Glas-goat.
291
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:41,040
Glas-goat? I was under pressure.
292
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,320
Grant! I've found a website
I can get a baby from!
293
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:51,400
I just need a credit card and a fake
passport. God bless the internet.
294
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:55,240
I would strongly advise you
against trying to buy a child
on the internet, Chris.
295
00:15:55,240 --> 00:16:00,040
Perhaps you're right.
You can never be totally sure
your bank details will be safe.
296
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:04,080
Do you mind if I chillax
here for a bit?
297
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,280
I'm having the weirdest night.
Oh, yeah, why's that?
298
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,440
I was just in the bar, and Jenny
marched over and snogged me!
299
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,400
I guess I have to admit it.
300
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,880
I'm quite the fanny magnet.
301
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,000
No, you're quite the fanny.
302
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:29,240
And Michelle did not look
happy about Jenny snoggin' me.
303
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,880
Listen Grant,
one drunken snog hardly makes you
the resident Don Juan.
304
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:41,400
I've always been the ugly duckling,
and now I'm turning in to a swan.
305
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,920
I'm a swan!
And women want to suck my beak.
306
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,480
You are so strange.
307
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:55,800
Grant's the boyo.
I'm a Welsh love god, and I'm serving
up my tasty leek for all woman-kind.
308
00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:02,040
Oh, yeaaaah.
Say hello to my genitals,
cos they're coming out to play.
309
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,520
And you say hello to YouTube.
310
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:15,360
Oh, look who it is?
311
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,280
Old Snoggy Snoggersons.
312
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,360
Where's your girlfriend?
313
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,480
I haven't seen her.
I thought she was with you. Oh.
314
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,400
Ha! Sod her then.
315
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,840
Look, about Jenny...
316
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,880
She kissed me, you know.
There's no need to be jealous.
317
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:35,160
Jealous? Ha! That is so ridic.
I'm not jealous.
318
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,880
And it's not like me and you
are together any more.
319
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,720
There are some things that best
friends just shouldn't share.
320
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,880
You don't shit on your own doorstep.
321
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,240
That's rich, coming from you!
322
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:50,160
We had one little kiss.
You've shagged everyone!
323
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,840
Yes, but I've never
betrayed a friend.
324
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,480
You broke up your best mate's
engagement by humping her fiance.
325
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,640
Apart from that one time!
326
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,480
What did you do to Jenny?
327
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,880
I beat her up and told
her to sleep in the gutter...
328
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,720
Huh, what am I like? She's only
329
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,720
twenty three! She's new to the town.
330
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,440
I know! She'll be terrified!
331
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,240
Michelle, you are a terrible friend.
332
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,480
Oh...
333
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,200
Oh, god I am, aren't I?
334
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,200
What have I done?
Have you tried calling her?
335
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,240
Yeah, good idea!
336
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:22,160
Oh, no, I've got her phone too!
337
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,680
Oh, God, what have I done?
338
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,160
You've attacked and robbed
a vulnerable woman.
339
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,000
I just wanted to prove
to Jenny how nice I was.
340
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,720
And how do you think that's gone?
341
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:38,040
She'll be fine. I'm sure she will.
Probably.
342
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:42,160
I'm not even bothered.
343
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:42,160
You're a terrible friend. Yeah well..
344
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,520
You're a terrible friend. I am not!
345
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:51,640
I'm winning my friend Alex
compensation for his injuries
and I'll be friendly about it.
346
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:58,840
Instead of "No win, no fee",
I'll be, "No win, no fee
and a nice cuppa tea."
347
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,280
Please let me represent you, Alex.
No.
348
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,880
Please! I promised my bosses
I'd have a new client by tomorrow.
349
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,000
And what about me?
I'm still disfigured.
I may never have sex again.
350
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,640
Don't be silly.
Of course you will.
351
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,120
You'll just have to pay for it.
352
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:21,240
And that's why you should
let me fight for compensation.
353
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,480
What's the point?
I'll still be hideously ugly.
354
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,800
But that won't matter if you're rich.
355
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,960
Look at Wayne Rooney!
356
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,240
Even grannies love him.
357
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,280
Please Alex!
358
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,280
All right. You can represent me.
359
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,640
But you've got to help me
find a shag. I am desperate.
360
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:42,840
Alex, I am so confident about
this case, that if we don't win
I'll shag you myself.
361
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,480
I'm not that desperate.
You may mock.
362
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,120
But women find me irresistible.
363
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,760
I'm a fanny magnet.
364
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,560
You're more a fridge magnet!
365
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,160
But I'll take all
the help I can get.
366
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,520
Let's go through the details of
your case for my meeting tomorrow.
367
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,120
I'm so excited! Just get on with it.
368
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:06,600
Now the bandages are great. It'll be
obvious that the accident has left
you with devastating physical injury.
369
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:11,800
And you look like a mental, so
that will secure the sympathy vote.
370
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,400
The brewery are gonna
pay up big style!
371
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,600
It's not the brewery I want to sue.
It's dwarves.
372
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,280
What? They've got no
right being that small.
373
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,520
Oh, dear God.
374
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,360
You don't just look like a mental,
you are mental.
375
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,840
Alex, you can't sue someone for
being small. That's not their fault!
376
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:37,720
It's the way they're born! It would
be like trying to sue Patrick Kielty
377
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:37,720
for being a twat.
378
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,320
But it's because of that dwarf that
I look like this.
You can't say "dwarf".
379
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,880
It's offensive.
380
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,880
So is my permanent erection.
381
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,280
He's ruined my sex life
and I want to sue.
382
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:53,480
I can't go in to my meeting tomorrow
and say, "Oooh we're gonna sue all
little people." This isn't Narnia.
383
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,520
Look Alex, we've got a better chance
of winning the case if we blame
the brewery.
384
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,840
We just have to get
our story straight.
385
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:04,760
Fine. But remember,
I'm only doing this because you
promised you'd find me a shag.
386
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,240
And I shall honour
that promise, Alex.
387
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,560
As soon as I'm back on the laminator.
388
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:19,720
I can't sleep. I'm worried about
Jenny. Has she still not turned up?
389
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:20,960
What if she's dead?
390
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,040
She's always been
an attention seeker..
391
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,320
Well, you should have thought of
392
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,320
that before you shouted at her.
393
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,200
I know, I know.
But she said I had saggy tits,
and we both know that isn't true.
394
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,720
I'm sure you've said worse
than that to each other.
395
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:37,280
It's not worth falling out over.
396
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:37,280
No, you're right.
397
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,840
I've got to find her.
I'd help you look for her,
398
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,560
only I'm tracking down all my
old college friends on Facebook.
399
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,960
One of them's bound to
be a single mother by now.
400
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:50,560
I've emailed them all asking if
I can play with their kids, so
401
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:50,560
fingers crossed for a good response!
402
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,000
Jenny! Jenny? Where are you?!
403
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,640
Jenny!
404
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,160
Oh, kudos. Jenny!
405
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,840
Jenny! Jenny! Jenny!
406
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,720
Oh, for fu...
407
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,120
Jenny!
408
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,720
Jenny! Jenny!
409
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,840
Jenny! Wherefore art thou Jenny! Hi.
410
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,560
Oh, thank God you're all right!
411
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,360
You stupid dickhead.
412
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,880
I've been everywhere
413
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,000
looking for you! Everywhere!
414
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,680
Why? I was trying to be nice.
415
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,840
Where the hell have you
been I've been worried sick.
416
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,600
I went home, but I couldn't
find my keys.
417
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,320
Then why didn't you
come straight here?
418
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,760
You told me not to.
419
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,360
Yes, I also told you
to stop wearing Crocs.
420
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,440
You said you hated me.
421
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,480
Well, I can't do, can I?
You frigging idiot!
422
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,720
I shouldn't have shouted
at you like that.
423
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,320
Look it's none of my
business who Grant snogs.
424
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,120
I'm totally cool with it.
425
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,880
Good. Because I think he's cute.
426
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:07,200
Kiss him again I'll
rip you a new arsehole.
427
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,000
I'm sorry Michelle!
I never meant to upset you.
428
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,960
You are my best friend,
I love you.
429
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,080
Aw, I love you too.
430
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:20,320
And I promise I'll try and be
nicer to you from now on.
431
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:31,400
As you can see Mr Lumley,
my client has suffered extensive
injuries to his face.
432
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:36,120
Not to mention the detrimental impact
this has had on his confidence,
433
00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:40,280
which in turn has had a devastating
on his sex life.
434
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:44,440
I see, very good Mr Grant.
435
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,280
Is he taking the piss?!
436
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,760
Perhaps you could tell Mr Lumley a
little more about the accident Alex.
437
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:57,440
And I shall take notes, which
perhaps can later be laminated.
438
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,400
Well, it all happened so fast.
439
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:04,600
One minute I was just happily
chatting with the punters, the next
440
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:04,600
I was hurtling through a window.
441
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,840
Good heavens!
I haven't had sex for days!
442
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,440
I repel women.
443
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:12,720
My testicles are so big,
it looks like the Mitchell
brothers are hiding in my pants.
444
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,680
This sounds like a very strong
case, Mr Grant. Very well done.
445
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:20,680
Don't you worry, Mr Salade.
446
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,600
We'll get those brewery bastards.
447
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,200
Thank you, Mr Lumley.
448
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:29,120
I'm going to hand you over to my new
Partner, Ms Jones.
449
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:33,480
She's more adept at dealing
with big business.
450
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,400
This is going to be big, Alex!
451
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,960
I might make partner!
452
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,280
And thanks for not mentioning the...
453
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,440
Arrrgghhhhhh!
454
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,960
I'll phone the ambulance.
455
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,320
Hello? Is that Happy Bunnies
Day Care?
456
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,360
Hello, I was wondering if could
457
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,360
borrow a child this afternoon...
458
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:05,440
I was thinking a boy,
lustrous, bouncy, curly hair...
459
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,560
No, I just want to play with him.
460
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,800
Hello?
461
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:11,880
How rude.
462
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,120
PHONE RINGS
463
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,680
Hello? This is Chris.
464
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,600
Karen?
465
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:23,600
You got my email then! Thanks for
phoning, I got banned from Facebook.
466
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,360
So how are you?
467
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:28,200
It's been almost 17 years!
468
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,040
So, are you married? Got kids?
469
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,080
Oh, you're a single mother?
470
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,200
A boy? Really?! And how old is he?
471
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:41,040
16? Oh, well that's not
really what I'm looking for
but thanks anyway.
472
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,120
What should you have
told me sooner?
473
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,320
Don't be ridiculous. I can't be,
474
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:53,320
but you said you wished you'd saved
yourself the bus fare and just
flicked yourself off. Are you sure?
475
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,360
Oh, my God.
476
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:04,120
They made it! My little swimmers
477
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:04,120
actually made it past my pants!
478
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,160
I've got super sperm!
479
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,680
I'm a Dad!
480
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,640
I'm a dad.
481
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,360
Grant!
I haven't seen you all morning.
I thought you were avoiding me.
482
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:25,080
No, I spent two hours getting
a bollocking from all three senior
partners, then I spent the rest
483
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:30,320
of the morning trying to locate
the mystery turd that had been
484
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:30,320
hidden in my office. And did you?
485
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,000
No. But I can still smell it.
It's driving me crazy. Grant,
486
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,480
I was out of order last night.
487
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,480
It's all right.
488
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:41,080
No, it's not all right. It's
none of my business who you snog.
489
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,680
It's not like we're together.
490
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,400
Thank God. What?
491
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:51,160
I've finally realised that
492
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:51,160
me and you are better off as friends.
493
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,800
Oh. Right.
494
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:56,000
You don't have to worry about me
being in love with you any more.
495
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,640
That ship has sailed!
496
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,240
Oh. Really?
497
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,320
I can't be tied down
to one woman, Michelle.
498
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,400
I've finally turned into a swan,
499
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:09,320
and it's time I spread my wings and
poked my beak in a few different
nests.
500
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,880
Oh. OK.
501
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:16,000
The ladies love me, Michelle.
I am one smooth mutha.
502
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,440
And there's the mystery turd.
503
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,200
Hullo there ya wee bawbag.
Ya wee sleekit timorous beastie.
504
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,760
Och aye, tam o'shanter
there's been a murrrrder.
505
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:26,920
Argh!
506
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,920
What do teenage boys like?
I wish I had breasts.
507
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:35,360
Solicitors make me rampant.
508
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,960
Wh-a-a-a-t?
509
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,680
Jenny, Do you like
any of the following...
510
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:43,960
leeks, legal documentation,
How Green Was My Valley,
lamb or casual incest?
511
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,720
People of Bar Salade!
Oh, good, Stalin's here.
512
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,320
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