All language subtitles for Grownups_Series_3_-_05._Cow

Michelle's pregnant! Is it mine?!
Your baby. Not just mine, yours!

You've got to take responsibility.

When we're not in bed together

you are quite...provocative.

Go on.

But then when we get down to it
in the bedroom department,

you just clam up.

This programme contains adult humour.

Oh, and Christy resigned. Oh, shame.

Michelle Booth, will you marry me?

Oh, my God. You see,
I'm not actually pregnant.

What's that? It's my

treasured box of memories -

a lifetime of the reminiscences and
recollections of Michelle Booth.

Oh. And what's it got in it? A pack
of holiday photos and a used condom?

No, actually!

There's a teddy bear as well.

How utterly depressing.

27 years on this planet, that's
all you've got to show for it.

OK then, Chris. What have you done
with your life that's so amazing?

All you do is drink milk and...

Drink more milk.

Well, I dunno really,

I suppose I took six months off
to help build an orphanage.

I raised over £50,000 in one year
for a palliative care hospice.

And once, I saved a
pregnant woman from drowning.

Well, it's not just any teddy, it's
a Forever Friend and it's soft.

Wow - you're like, superwoman or
something, I mean really, you're a

hero, I'm going to phone the
Variety Club to give you a medal.

Fine. I might not have
done anything meaningful.

But at least I've had
fun in my twenties.

Michelle, I had fun. Lots of fun.

A whole banana hammock of fun.

When?

Well, they weren't just any orphans,

they were forever friends and
they were really soft.

Chris, you're a 90-year-old woman
trapped inside the body of,

well, I've seen you naked -
a 90-year-old woman!

Oi! Well, you're a self-obsessed
hedonist, with no meaning to her

life other than
where the next pudding is.

I can do something meaningful!

I give! And I give and I
give and I give...

Michelle, the last time you
gave someone something it

had to be burnt off by laser!

So! At least my idea of a big

night out doesn't involve Peter
Rabbit in a pair of ice-skates!

OK, fine. I'll have some
cheap, mindless, hedonistic fun!

I'm going to go wild and party
hearty with some cool folks.

And I'll do something charitable!

How do I get hold of Pudsey? I was
going to ask exactly the same thing.

And the annoying thing is,
he's right.

I have just lived my life for me.

I seem unable to give willy nilly.

I try, of course, but I
only get as far as...willy.

So adopt a little African baby.
Nah, I couldn't do that.

I'm allergic to Africans.

Hang on. That's pollen.

You know,
I did some charity work once.

I taught disabled kids how
to skateboard. Wow. Really? Yeah.

It's a lot easier than it sounds.

You just sit them on it and then...

You should've
seen their little faces.

Once we'd dressed
the wounds, obviously.

See, everyone's done
something charitable except me.

I don't have a skill - I can't cook
or clean or maim disabled children.

My only skill is
being able to read...

So read to the old.

No, I dislike the old. They walk
slowly and get all the best drugs.

Haven't you got an illiterate friend?

I've got a stack of clients who
can't read. I'm a brilliant reader!

You know that one with the
boy with the glasses?

I read that in one evening.
What, Harry Potter?

No, Where's Wally?

And the answer was "there".

Now, time to find me an illiterate.

Er, and you're not supposed
to be at work anyway, remember?

Michelle, just because they
caught me having sex with

my legal secretary, in my office,
out of hours, on my desk,

doesn't give them the right to
suspend me on full pay

pending an inquiry.

Yes, it does. Oh.

Just go home.

I'll close the door
on my way out, shall I?

Grant, there's
no need to be like that.

Oh, good. I can do it.

I'm sensing some hostility.
No, not from me.

You're free to have sex
with whomever you wish.

I don't care! I think it's great!

Oh, well that's good,
cos I'd hate to think...

100,321, 100,322.

Oh, hello, Jenny!
Didn't expect to see you here.

Yes, you did. You just rang to
check exactly when I was coming in.

Ah, well, don't mind me.

I'm just stripped to the waist
and covered in the finest

bathing oils doing a full-body
workout right before your very eyes.

You know what, Alex.
I'm really getting sick of this.

What, of feeling overwhelmed
by a primal urge

to spit-wash my pubic area?

No, you and your whole
alpha-male, caveman act.

Jenny, I can be sensitive.

Mainly on the tip of my...
You're doing it again. Right.

And I don't buy it anyway.

I bet underneath that macho exterior
you're just a scared wee baby.

Jenny, that is
absolutely ridiculous!

I fear nothing.

Sounds like a challenge.

OK, you're on. But if you can't
find something I'm scared of by

the end of the week, you have to
give me a chance in the sack. Fine.

But for the last time,
we're not doing it in your sack.

Ah, come on, it's 100% hessian.

So. Grant.

Day off, is it?
Nah, I've been suspended.

Did you get "the sack"?

'Oh, you people don't deserve me.'

I might as well face it.

I'm nothing without my job.

Grantie,
you're nothing with your job.

Anyway, you should make
the most of it. Go crazy,

do things solicitors aren't supposed
to do. Good grief, you mean... Yes.

Provide legal assistance to
a minor without prior consent

from their parent or guardian?

No Grant, I meant break a few rules.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

No that'd be ever so wrong.

What are they going to do?

Suspend you? Hey, you're right.

My suspension was only due
to the fact that I was so

tightly wound I needed to let go!

If I relax, maybe I won't screw
any more legal secretaries

over my desk
like an ape in the zoo!

Chris.

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow.

Drinking two bottles of rose in
Bar Salade, and felating a deaf

bloke from Sunderland
in a portaloo?

How dare you!

That was a one-off.

And he wasn't deaf, he was ignorant.

I give up. What? I, Michelle Booth,

am doing a selfless act of charity.

I've decided, it's time
to give something back.

I'm anti-de-un-illiterising
an illiterate.

Ah, right, I see,
cos it's like they say,

"give a man a fish
and he'll eat for a day.

"Teach him how to fish and
he'll eat for a lifetime."

But I don't know how to fish.

No, I know. You're teaching
him how to read.

So why do you keep going
on about fish? No that's not...

Do you think he might like fishing?
Forget it! Forget the fish.

The point is, you're
doing something for someone else.

And I already feel better for it.

And for my part, I have
decided to have a night of

twenty-something debauchery.

Really?

Yep. I've got myself some cheese,

full fat and I've rented myself
Steel Magnolias. Bang, bang, bang!

Take those magnolias in yo ass, boy!

Chris, Steel Magnolias is
about a diabetic woman

and her struggles
to have a child. Is it?

Pop that insulin in yo ass, girl!

Chris look, if you are serious about
having some fun for once in your life

you need to get out the flat, get
drunk, see where the night takes you.

But I'm scared. Yes, exactly. Your

twenties are supposed to be scary.

Now you get yourself
out there and have fun!

But what if I don't like it?
Then we can sit in with a nice

glass of milk and a plate of
this fish you keep going on about.

OK, you're on.

Look out, world, here I come!

Oh, and if you
do end up with some bloke

in a portaloo, make sure you wipe
round the rim before you sit on it.

Now, when you say "wipe around
the rim", do you mean... Both.

Right.

Alex, do us a favour and
chuck us that dishcloth.

Hello, mate.

Not scared of snakes then?

Nope. Dammit.

Hey Jenny,
I happened to have wrestled

with one of the world's
deadliest snakes.

A strong, muscular, terrifying
beast with a big purple...

It's your penis, isn't it? Oh, yes.

Afternoon!

Holy shell suits, you look like
a time-travelling sex-thief

sent forward from the 1980's.

Thank you!

Jenny was right, I should use my
time off to walk on the wild side.

Hence I'm out in public
and I am not wearing a suit!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
time to break some rules.

Starting with eating my lunch,
in the wrong order!

Knicker-bocker glory please, Alex.

OK, how's about breaking a real law?

What, The Law...

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Breaking a few rules, that's fine,
but the actual law, that's like...

HE GIGGLES

No. Face it, you're too much of a
leek-eating pussy-boy to do that.

Oh, you think so, do you?

I'll show you.

Because I am a man.

A real man. A big...

Rahh!

HE YELPS

C... C...

C... CA.

It's OK, Dave. Take your time.

A... C... A... Ca...?

No rush. C... A... C... A... C...

CAT! It says cat, for God's sake!

Good, I think we're
making real progress here.

Actually there's something
I want you to read for me.

It's all me, me, me,
with you criminals, isn't it?

From the missus. Sent me one
every week when I was banged up.

She must've been the only thing
that kept you going. Yeah.

See, I used to get my cellmate
Gary to read her letters to me.

And what did you
give him in exchange?

Contraband snout and the odd bar
of illegal chocolate?

No, I used to let him bum me.

Well. I'd be honoured to read it.

Cheers.

Just pop to the toilet.

The bummings, you know -
still a bit loose.

Dave. I can't take this any more.

I don't love you and I never did.

I'm leaving you. Don't try to find me
or I'll get the police involved.

This is terrible!

She's spelt police with an S.

Go on then, what's she say?

Ah, it's nothing. Tell me.

Damn it, I forgot my glasses.

Read it!

Fine! I see you're not one
of those 'loveable' rogues

you hear so much about.

Dear Dave, I'm just writing to let
you know how much I bloody love you.

In fact you're more than just
a lover, you're also a friend.

So thank you.

For being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true,
you're a pal and a confident.

And if you threw a party...

That's the theme
from the Golden Girls?

So. The pussy-boy doesn't have the
balls to break the law, then, eh?

Oh, yeah.

Sticking it to the man!

Another pint, Doris? Not for me, no.

That's the drunken
bender out of the way.

Nope, you're still here.

Anyway, four pints over eight
hours doesn't count as drinking.

Especially when
two of them were milk.

OK then, Alex, what's
your idea of fun?

Masturbating in a hall of mirrors.

You never know where it's going

to land. It's quite the mystery.

OK, OK. let me rephrase that.

What's your idea of a fun night out?

Well, having a few drinks,
maybe getting into a fight.

Then masturbating in
a hall of mirrors.

A fight! A fight!
Yeah, I could pick a fight.

Everyone I know has had
a fight in their twenties.

Now, we're looking
for a woman or a child.

Hiya, Alex! Jenny! What are you
doing? Oh, you know, this and that.

Pulling a pillowcase over your

face to see whether you're
scared of enclosed spaces.

Well, I'm not.
In fact, I'm quite aroused.

I've got a little touch of the
old "disgraced Tory MP's" going on.

Yeuch!

You know what - my sack's a lot
roomier than your pillowcase.

Of course, you're going
to get to see that at the end
of the week, aren't ya?

I'll get you. Everyone's scared of
something. I'm never touching your

filthy sack. Or
your filthy hessian bag.

Yes, actually mate,

I am calling you
a short-arse poo-pants speccy
four-eyes. So go on, then.

Put your dukes up.

THUD!

Let's call that one a draw.

Grant! I thought you were some
horrible, violent, terrifying...

Criminal?

Scouser.

How dare you?
Anyway, what are you doing here?

Well, I need to
find a law I can break without
actually getting into trouble.

I played a ball game on a

grassy city centre area but
the fuzz caught up with me.

I lost my racquet -
I was really upset.

And all this because you shagged
some silly slut on your stupid desk.

Oh, calamity! Michelle, are you
upset because I slept with Christy?

Will you be seeing
the skanky old tramp again?

No, she's moving to Nuneaton.
Then no.

Anyway, how was the
big reading lesson?

Ohh, exhausting!

It's just so emotionally draining
when I give and I give and I give

and I give and I give and
I give and I give... Michelle.

And I found out
something devastating. What?

Is it about prisons being
like holiday camps?

Cos I've seen Hi De Hi and
no human should suffer like that.

Worse. She left him a "Dear John".

Poor thing can't read it.
You'd think she'd know that.

How did he react?
I couldn't tell him.

He'd want to know, surely.

Well, I hoped he'd realise.

But sadly he's as thick as custard.

He has a right to know, Michelle,
you've got to tell him.

I suppose.

I just hope he doesn't
do anything stupid.

Although everything he does is
stupid, the illiterate wanker.

Bingo! Apparently, it's still
illegal to drive cattle through

the town centre on a Tuesday!

So what? So, the rozzers aren't gonna

know that. They'll never bust me.

It's the perfect crime!

Clean, simple, efficient.

Don't suppose you've a
cow I could borrow, have you?

Dave, there's something
I should've done

when I was teaching you to read.
Ooh - reminds me.

I've got another
letter for you to read.

Actually, Dave, I think you
should read this one with me.

OK, first word, sounds like...

Kiss. Sometimes smells of Weetabix.

Piss. OK. Second word,
sounds like...

SHE COUGHS

Cough? Off.

Third word. You find it at the beach.

Fish! Oh, not this again.

"The something of time".

The length of time? The clock of

time? The pigeon of time?

OK the third word is "and".

Fourth word.

SHE CHOKES

Stomach cancer?

Dodgy curry, drive-by shooting?

Die! Die! Die!

Die! "Piss... off... and... die!".

Yeah! Piss off and die!
Got it! What?

Ah! that was great fun!

And, you read a whole sentence!

She's leaving me?

Oh, yeah she is. But, you read a
whole sentence, so, woo! Go you.

She's really leaving me.

But you know what, doing
the right thing does feel good!

Oh, my God. Well, my work here

is done. Happy reading!

Why?! Why, lord, why?!

OK, Dave, Dave. I get the
feeling something's troubling you.

Michelle, without her
I've got nothing. No-one!

Oi, that can't be true.

No, it is true.
Ah, I might as well give up.

I might as well go back to
crime, get myself back inside.

Is there a Post Office around here?

Wait. I can't let you
go back to prison like that.

I wanna help.

I'll be your friend.

What? Seriously? Yes. You can
come round mine for a night in.

Really?

I'd like that.

Never really had any
female friends before.

Actually, there was one.

But then it got a bit awkward.

Slept with her, did you?

No, I abducted her for three days,
then cleaned out her bank account.

Or we could go for a night out!

In a well-lit public
place with security cameras.

Yeah, yeah.

Sitting in my undercrackers,
rolling a doobie joint.

Now I'm having fun.

Yeah, baby.

Chris, what are you doing?

What people do in their twenties -

sitting in my pants,
smoking the herb.

Chris, that's basil.

So, it's still got a kick.

Although it could do with
a pinch more oregano.

Chris, just face it, this isn't
your idea of fun. Yes, it is.

I's been chillin with me possee.

Even got into a fight last night.

Oh, my God, are you OK?

Me be smokin' hot beeyatch. You
should've seen the other bloke.

Hurt was he?

No, he was just rockin a real nice
pair of them hush puppies.

Stop that. OK. I'm sorry.

Look, Chris. This has gone too far.
You were right about me.

I am selfish.
But I'm trying to help others.

And the only way I can help you
is by telling you to stop this.

Go back to being a boring bastard.

Really? Yes! Look at you.
You're a mess.

And your breath stinks of ravioli.

Already thought of that.

See that girl? Me gone roll meself
a lickle parsley one for laters.

Chris, look. The point is,

who cares if your idea of fun
is eating Battenberg cake,

writing rubbish poetry, masturbating,

and then falling asleep in a
puddle of your own seminal fluid?

'Check me out! I am riding a cow!

'And it's actually surprising comfy.

'I'm in Manchester city centre and
I am outside the permitted hours!'

Afternoon, officers.

Come on, people, out of the way.

"Moo-ve" it! Sorry.

It's just really hard
not to do bovine puns

when you're riding a cow.

I'll try not to milk it though.

Right turn, farmer.

Good. Moving on to the business of
young Mr Grant, Christy Jones

and the matter
of their gross misconduct.

Well. I'm not going to defend
what they did. Hmm.

But I think they're people who have
proven to be of fine character

and sound moral judgments.

So you're saying we should
give them another chance.

Well, yes. Sorry, did you just...

Jesus. I've really
got to lay off the smack.

He'll be here any minute.
And sorry if he's a bit weird.

He hasn't had a lot of
human contact for a while.

Is he an astronaut? No.

Hermit? No. Homicidal maniac?

Yay! You got there in the end!

You hear that, Alex?

There's a real life hardened
criminal coming down.

Ooooooh! I'm really scared! I run a
bar in the city centre of Manchester

so I've never met a criminal before.
My knees are knocking!

Me teeth are chattering!

'And my nipples are erect.'

Here he is! My new best mate!

Hi, Michelle. Now, I hope
you haven't brought any firearms

or offensive weapons
with you. Michelle!

I'm not like that any more. I know!

I'm joking!

It's a joke!

I trust you completely.

I'm not even the tiniest bit scared

that you might be in
the slightest bit armed.

Michelle, what are you doing?

What, this?

It's our new handshake.
And then at the end we go Woo!

So come on. Woo. Woo. Great!

Now, time to make some new friends?

All right, then.

And don't you go maiming
them, you naughty Nigel!

Chris, I'd like you to meet Dave.

Dave. Nice to meet you. Likewise.

Is it me or does this place smell
of basil? Oh, that'd be me.

I've been smoking it.
Yeah. Had a bit of a problem.

Wid dee herb. But that's all
behind me now. I'm back on the milk.

Milk milk milk! Oh, yeah.
Jenny! Dave's here.

All right, Dave.

Erm. Hi.

Just trying to scare Alex so I

don't need to have sex in his sack.

OK.

Michelle, I'm not sure that...

Oh, Dave, this is Alex.

All right, mate.

WOOOAAH!!

Jenny, that is without doubt

the single most pathetic
ghost I've ever seen.

Oh, is it, Alex.

Well, what about that?

HE SCREAMS

CRASH!

Oh, my God! He went
straight through the window!

Jesus! That's plate glass! Yeah.

That kind of backfired.

What sort of place is this?!

Jenny don't just stand there,
do something! Oh, you're right!

Who's next, please?

No! About Alex. Call an ambulance.
Oh, yeah. Where's my phone?

Michelle, quick word?

Uh-huh? These friends of yours.

Dave, they're your friends now too.

Grant'll be here in a minute.
You'll like him.

He's the most down-to-earth person.

MOOOOO!

How do!

All right, Grant.

I feel like a new man.

A new man with slightly
achy testicles.

Turns out it's not quite
as comfy as I first thought.

So you see, Dave?

You're not lonely.
You'll always have us lot.

Hello, emergency services?

Police. I'd like to turn myself in.

I don't know, anything. Please!

Get me away from these weirdos!

Oi! Who are you calling weird?!

WOOOOOO!

MOOOOOO!

I'll give you a lift to the station.

It was for the best, really.

I mean, I don't like to see
men imprisoned any more than you do.

I'm a prosecuting solicitor.

OK, slightly less than you do.

But if this has taught me anything,
it's not to break the law.

Stick to the rules.

I mean, sleeping with
Christy and riding that cow...

Were one and the same thing, yes.

I think you might be jealous.

Erm, no, I'm not!
Why would I be jealous?

Well, you slammed the door in my
face and you flaunted your

criminal at me. Well, I'm not, OK?

And you can take that smug grin
off your face as well,

because if today
has taught me anything,

it's not to help people out,

and that includes not sleeping with
you when I feel sorry for you.

I wouldn't expect you to,
although I have lost Christy. Blah.

And my job. Blah, blah.

I go back every night to an empty
bed bereft of the warmth that

only human contact can provide.

You know what, Grant?

I am starting to feel sorry for you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I think I can help with
that warmth, that loneliness.

Oh, really.

Here. He's a Forever Friend bear,
and he's really, really soft.

He bloody really is.

No win No fee!!

Lesbian! Woaaaah!

Look out for my genitals
cos they're coming out to play.

Oh, God what have I done?
Jenny! Ooh, kudos.

HE SHRIEKS

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