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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,440
We're gonna have to close
if I can't make the rent.
What I need is a gimmick.
2
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:08,240
Are you ready to tiddle?
3
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,320
I'm now addicted to gambling.
Whoa!
4
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,760
Octupi!
5
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,400
Chris, I'm really sorry.
6
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,480
I just don't think
you're old enough for me.
7
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,600
Miss this and the game's mine.
8
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,040
This programme contains
adult humour.
9
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:46,160
So, Michelle, what's the dirtiest
thing you've ever done? Chris.
10
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:51,240
No. I mean really dirty.
No, he really was. At one point,
I'm sure I tasted mackerel.
11
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:52,800
That's foul.
12
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,840
No. Definitely fish.
13
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,360
What, and that's it?
No sex with strangers?
14
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,000
No sex in public places?
15
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,600
Well, once,
16
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,560
I let this scaffolder
from Dulwich touch my boob
17
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,600
on one of the rollercoasters at
Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Which one?
18
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,560
Pretty sure it was the Big One.
19
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,720
No, I meant which boob.
Yeah, so did I. Boss Boob.
20
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,600
Never lets me down.
21
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:19,000
Which is more than I can say for
22
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:19,000
you, slightly smaller underling boob!
23
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,880
I should never have hired you. There.
24
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,680
Michelle, that's pathetic.
25
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:28,760
Why, what have you done that's so
sexually adventurous? Nothing much.
26
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,000
Just the odd threesome.
Really? Oh, aye.
27
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,240
Did a brother and sister once.
28
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,440
Two old blokes. A couple of Mormons.
29
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,600
Ah, I miss the Osmonds.
30
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,920
Whoa. I can't believe
you've had a threesome.
31
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,880
You're telling me you haven't?
32
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:48,200
Seriously? Oh. Yeah.
33
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,760
Course I have. Cool. Who with?
34
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:55,440
Barry. And... Paul.
35
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,880
So you had a threesome
with the Chuckle Brothers?
36
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,280
You should've seen it -
"To me, to you."
37
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,800
Michelle.
38
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,760
Oh, OK, I made that up.
39
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,280
I was gonna say the Krankies,
but that's just weird.
40
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,600
I mean, the height
difference alone would be...
41
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,920
Aww, just because
you haven't had a threesome,
doesn't make you boring in bed.
42
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:18,240
You're right. Obviously
you are boring in bed but
43
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:18,240
I'm sure it's not because of that.
44
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,920
Grant. I was fun in bed, wasn't I?
God, yeah.
45
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,920
You did that funny sound, remember?
46
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,480
HE SNORES
47
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,560
And your comical little
way of weeping afterwards.
48
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,280
Happy days.
49
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,680
Jenny says I'm boring because
I've never tried a threesome.
50
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,520
It's really depressing because
I find myself endlessly fascinating.
51
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,000
Michelle, listen to me.
52
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:03,360
In my eyes, you will always
be a bit of a disgusting slag.
53
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,440
You promise?
You're not just saying that?
54
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,400
No! You're a real slag.
55
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,080
You make me upset
an awful lot of the time.
56
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:16,520
It's almost actually physically
painful being your friend at times.
57
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,760
You, Michelle Booth,
are a total slagzilla.
58
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,080
Oh, thanks, Grant.
59
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,440
You're just not one
of them glamorous slags.
60
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,400
Ah! I am glamorous!
61
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,320
I can do hair swishes and everything.
62
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,480
When I smile, my teeth ping!
63
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,120
PING!
64
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,040
Well, yeah, you look glamorous.
65
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,760
You're clearly just a bit
unadventurous in the old sack, see?
66
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,160
Oh, fine. Well, I'll show you.
67
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,120
I will have a threesome.
68
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,040
In fact, are you up for it?
69
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:53,320
No way. If Bampy taught me
anything, it's never to have
group sex with close friends.
70
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,400
Strictly family.
71
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,720
There'll be friction.
72
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,200
That sounded far sexier in my head.
73
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,200
I've got enough on my plate.
74
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,960
I'm meeting that little boy
I blinded with my tiddlywink.
75
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,400
Fine.
I'll just have to plan it myself.
76
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:12,400
Sorry to be a drag,
but you're supposed to doing,
you know, office work?
77
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,080
Oh, this is office work. Honestly.
78
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,760
Is "strap-on" hyphenated?
79
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,880
'Threesomes.
80
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,000
'Two boys and a girl,
or two girls and a boy?
81
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,400
'Mmm, two boys means two willies.
82
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,880
'And two girls means
four labia flaps.
83
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,600
'Urgh, it'd be like being
a guest on Loose Women.
84
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,120
'Two boys it is.'
85
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,520
KNOCK ON DOOR
86
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,520
Sorry. I've lost my keys. Again.
87
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,480
After you.
Do excuse me. Terribly sorry.
88
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,800
Oh, for God's sake.
I can't live like this.
89
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,080
We slept together -
can we just get past it?
90
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,760
Oh, thank God, can we? Cos I'm busy.
91
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,400
I can't have any sort
of weird sex thing between us
when we live together.
92
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,440
I have to concentrate on
a brand-new weird sex thing.
93
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,840
I am fulfilling my ultimate
sexual fantasy. Oh, really?
94
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:17,560
So you're finally going to take
slightly smaller underling boob
95
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:17,560
back to Blackpool Pleasure Beach.
96
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:21,120
No, I'm having a threesome, actually.
97
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:21,120
Seriously?
98
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,400
Yes, don't sound so surprised.
I'm always trying new stuff.
99
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,760
Like that time I wore
those knee-length PVC boots.
100
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,520
Michelle, they were wellies.
101
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:35,320
So. Christopher. Chrisisons.
102
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,360
Me little doughnut head.
103
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,880
I was with Jenny this morning. So?
104
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,000
You love Jenny! You love Jenny!
105
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,120
# Jenny and Chris sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G. #
106
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,120
Me?!
107
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,760
In love with Jenny? That is the
funniest thing I've ever heard!
108
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,160
OK, how did you guess?
109
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,920
Because it's written
all over your face.
110
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,840
What happened with you two, anyway?
111
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,720
Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
112
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,240
She thinks I'm too immature.
113
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,920
Oh, you mean it wasn't the pubes?
114
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,000
What pubes?
115
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,680
YOUR pubes.
116
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,560
It's like a Bee Gees reunion
going on down there.
117
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,640
Exactly. How could
she think I'm immature after that?
118
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,360
Ah. Look, if you want to prove
how adult you are, you show her
119
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,360
your brainy side. How?
120
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,840
Well, I dunno. Read some books.
In public.
121
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,960
Yeah, yeah. A book group!
122
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,680
That'll show her how mature I am.
123
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:35,600
Yeah, exactly. Now,
I'm off to find some orgy partners.
124
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,160
'What's she on about, anyway?
125
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,680
'I'm not that hairy.'
126
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,960
Amazing how I managed
to blind you in both eyes
with just the one tiddlywink.
127
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,680
Even you must be able to see
the funny side of that.
128
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,040
I can't see anything,
you freaky-haired tit.
129
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:08,360
Right. What do you want, anyway?
Well, just to say sorry,
give you a bottle of pop,
130
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,880
and make it up to you.
131
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,880
Maybe a jolly ride
in a Renault Twingo!
132
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:18,200
You reckon this crap makes up for
the fact that I might never
see again? Course not.
133
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,920
What if I throw in
a pack of Munchies?
134
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,720
Two weeks
I've been signed off school.
135
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,440
I might never be able
to watch TV again.
136
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,760
Never look up
Mrs Neale's skirt in French.
137
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,640
La jupe de Madame Neale.
138
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:36,160
Oh, God, look, if there's anything
I can do, anything at all...
I want to go rock-climbing.
139
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,040
Rock-climbing it is.
In the Scottish Highlands.
140
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,960
That might be slightly trickier.
141
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,960
With Kylie Minogue.
142
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,240
That's impossible!
143
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,920
What did you say your was job was?
A professional sheep-shagger?
Solicitor, actually.
144
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:53,280
Wonder what your boss would do
if he found out you'd blinded
145
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:53,280
a little boy with his tiddlywink!
146
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,080
Ssssh! OK, OK!
I'll see what I can do.
147
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,400
And for your information,
there's no such thing as
148
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,400
a professional sheep-shagger.
149
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,560
It's all strictly amateur.
150
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,760
Ah, Jenny. My bonnie lassie.
151
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,320
My little pipe of bag. You're
probably wondering what this is.
152
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:16,640
Is it a curly-haired speccy
four-eyes with a rolled-up poster?
153
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,600
Did I get it right? Did I? Did I?
154
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,760
You may mock.
It's for my book group.
155
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,120
My very mature,
very grown-up book group.
156
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,560
Very photogenic. Good use of thumbs.
157
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,240
Not to mention mature.
158
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,080
So what's the book?
159
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:37,880
Moby Dick. Second only to
Free Willy in the list of great
cultural artefacts about whales
160
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,760
to feature a penis reference
in the title.
161
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,720
I actually studied that last term.
162
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,560
Well, why don't you pop along?
163
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,120
It's here, tomorrow night.
164
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,280
I guarantee you a night of mature,
stimulating, adult conversation.
165
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:55,360
It'll be so BBC Four,
only we'll be better looking.
166
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,440
All right, then,
what harm could it do?
167
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,440
Jenny. Guess what?
Has a narcissistic, neurotic blonde
168
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:07,160
just entered the bar to tell me
something dull? Am I right?
Am I? Am I?
169
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,760
No, where?
170
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,160
I'm having a threesome.
171
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,800
I've posted a personal ad online.
How's this?
172
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,000
"Fascinating Manchester girl...
173
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,400
"..seeks two adventurous buff males
174
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:27,360
"for voyage of sexual discovery
departing from the gangplank
that is my...
175
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,880
"briny vaginey."
176
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:36,680
Classy. I especially welcome
the employment of the
underused phrase "briny vaginey".
177
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,280
Yeah, and may I add from a literary
standpoint, I particularly enjoyed
178
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,120
the whole "fanny
as nautical walkway" metaphor?
179
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,160
SHE LAUGHS
180
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,920
You may mock.
181
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,240
But I am one step closer
to my Michelle a trois.
182
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,840
Like the beer,
183
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,000
only with my name instead of Stella.
184
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,760
Cos, like...
185
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,840
it's a pun, so...
186
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,040
OK, that one needs work.
187
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:14,440
And I was wondering what
the chances are of your client,
188
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,080
the lovely Miss Minogue,
189
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,520
taking a small,
blind boy rock-climbing
in the Scottish Highlands.
190
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,080
Why are you laughing at me?
191
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,560
Well, that's not very nice.
192
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,720
Look, come on.
This is a real little blind boy,
193
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,080
not one of those
rubbish plastic ones with
the coin slots in their head.
194
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,920
Hello? Cob-nuts.
195
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,920
Grant, just tell the
kid to forget about it.
196
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,160
And then he'll tell the higher-ups
what happened. I'll lose my job!
197
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,440
Unless...
198
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:51,280
You could be Kylie for me.
He's blind, he won't know.
199
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:56,120
Grant, I might be into some pretty
depraved things, but I draw the line
200
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:56,120
at pretending to be Australian.
201
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,280
Oh, please.
202
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,080
You have got the fabulous bottom
203
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,080
for it.
204
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,920
Well, yeah.
Plus I'm good at the accent.
205
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:09,280
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: G'day, mate.
Bonzer, Ramsay Street,
cricket, rugby,
206
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,880
kangaroos, low-paid bar work.
207
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,120
Yeah, second thoughts.
I might do it myself.
208
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,680
Well, I'm busy
with my threesome anyway.
209
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,880
Oh, yeah. Did you get any
210
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,880
replies to your personal ad yet?
211
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:27,040
What do you reckon? An attractive,
nubile young woman advertises
herself on the internet,
212
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,920
home of the predatory pervert,
213
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,280
for a night of X-rated dirty group
sex. How many replies did you get?
214
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,000
Two. Two?!
215
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,240
They look pretty normal
in their photos, though.
216
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,920
Whoa!
217
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,680
Those are just close-ups
of genitalia.
218
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,000
Michelle, you can't go inviting
two strangers into your house.
219
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,920
I forbid it. Yes, yes, I know.
220
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,960
Which is why I'm meeting
them in Bar Salade beforehand.
Please be careful.
221
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,680
Ah, bless.
222
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,520
You're worried about me. No, I'm not!
223
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,840
Well, maybe just a little.
224
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:03,000
I just know what goes on
at these orgy sex parties.
225
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,680
Do you, though? No.
226
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,640
Sorry to bother you. Are you two...?
227
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,720
Yeah, we're here
for the adult group thing.
228
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,520
Phew!
229
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,480
Michelle. I'll be the meat
in your sandwich, so to speak.
230
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,680
Erm. OK.
231
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,760
I'm a bit nervous. I don't usually
do this kind of thing.
232
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,840
Me, neither. The last time
I did this, I was at school.
233
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,160
Where did you go to school?
Amsterdam?
234
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,200
No. Stockport.
235
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,320
Mmmm. Oooh. Stockport.
236
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,200
We've actually made a start
without you.
237
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,200
Wow.
238
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,880
How very modern!
239
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,560
Well, I like to get stuck in.
240
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,640
Glad to hear it.
241
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,920
So what have you been doing?
242
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,480
Tell me all about it.
243
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:01,440
You know, tossing a couple of things
around, fingering a few passages.
244
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,280
What, in public? That is so naughty!
245
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,480
Well, yeah, we could've waited.
246
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,360
Oh, my God, this is really getting me
247
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,360
going. I know what you mean.
248
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,080
It's such an interesting piece.
249
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,240
Yes, I am.
250
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:22,520
Anyway, in terms of specifics,
we've been looking at Ahab's pipe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
251
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,560
Nobody said anything about
introducing this Ahab character.
252
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,960
Oh, she's right.
I should do a quick overview first.
253
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,520
To be honest, I'd prefer if we just
kept this between the three of us.
254
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,880
Let's go back to mine.
All right, fine by me.
255
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,080
Cool, I'll just call us a taxi.
256
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,880
And so there's
no nasty surprises later,
257
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,480
who's going in the front
and who's going in the back?
258
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,680
I don't mind going in the front.
I quite like to see where I'm going.
259
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,800
Oh, my God! This is so exciting!
260
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,440
Wait till we get to the poop deck.
261
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,680
And basically that's what
the whale represents to me.
262
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,760
Rebirth and new beginnings.
263
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,600
Thank you, Jenny.
264
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,720
Anyway, have you got anything
you'd like to add, Mr...
265
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,840
Muff-Muncher 2000?
266
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,600
And once again, I am really,
really sorry. Please stop!
267
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,160
We just want to go home!
268
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,840
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
269
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:32,000
I'd like to think that
despite what happened here tonight,
the three of us can still be...
270
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,680
friends.
271
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,280
Guess that's it.
272
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,720
I'm not having a threesome,
you're not getting back with Jenny.
273
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,000
Oh, no, no, I don't
give up that easily.
274
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,160
You do know the two saddest words
in the English language?
275
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,840
John Leslie?
276
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,440
"If only".
277
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,920
If I don't do everything I can
to get back with Jenny I've got
278
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,920
the rest of my life to regret it.
279
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,800
Yeah, you're so right.
280
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,320
I don't want to get old and look back
281
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,320
on all the things I never tried.
282
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,680
Like group sex. Or drugs.
283
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,200
Or Dairylea Dunkers.
284
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:10,000
I always pick those up in
the supermarket but dunkers
just seem so decadent. That's it.
285
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:15,400
I'm having a threesome. For real.
Michelle, please tell me you've
learnt something from tonight.
286
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,840
I've learnt that if you're
gonna have a threesome,
287
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,880
do it with your best friends...
288
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,560
Oh, no, no.
289
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:26,560
No way. I want to concentrate
on getting back with Jenny.
290
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,600
Urgh, what are you doing?
291
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:33,280
Well, say I did get lucky
with Jenny, I thought I'd
better trim my front garden.
292
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,400
And?
And, one thing led to another and...
293
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,680
Hello, Kojak!
294
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:46,360
Oh, my God, you mean... Yep. We're
talking less hair than a Russian spy
after a Polonium sandwich.
295
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:55,400
And obviously, you do know
the two saddest words in the
English language? John Leslie.
296
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,120
"If only".
297
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:04,760
Sooo... Grant, I meant to say,
I'm having a dinner party tonight
at mine. About 8pm. Yeah?
298
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:08,360
Yep. Just the two of us. And Chris.
299
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,520
Sounds good. I'll bring along
a bottle of something nice. Great.
(Like maybe lube).
300
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,280
What should I wear?
301
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,880
Oh, nothing special.
302
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,520
(Or nothing at all).
303
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:23,880
Sorry, why do you keep on
adding phrases to the ends of
304
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:23,880
your sentences in a quiet voice?
305
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,720
Oh, I've always done that.
(I haven't really).
306
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,240
Right.
307
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,480
Right, listen up you mutton-mounter.
308
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,000
He's over there.
309
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,400
Right. Listen up you mutton-mounter.
310
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,360
Kudos. I have genuinely
never heard that one before.
311
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:47,000
If we're not hiking through the
Scottish Highlands with Kylie soon,
312
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,560
someone's gonna be looking for
a new job. OK, OK! We're going.
313
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:56,240
And to save us time,
I've arranged a helicopter. No way!
314
00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:00,840
Yeah. Out of interest...have you
ever flown in a helicopter before?
315
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,480
No. Excellent.
316
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,000
Come on, we're nearly
at the top of Ben Nevis.
317
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,840
It isn't very high.
Well, neither are you.
318
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,240
And we're definitely in
the Scottish Highlands?
319
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,120
Yep. 'Course we are.
320
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,880
Listen.
321
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,560
BAGPIPES PLAY
322
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,360
And look! I mean listen.
323
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:50,400
A haggis, eating a fried Mars Bar
and doing a fling.
324
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:54,160
Oi, you! DOING A FLING!
325
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,800
Where's Kylie?
326
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,560
Yeah, er, about that... I, er...
327
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,120
OK, I'm telling your boss
what you did with your winky,
328
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:09,080
then I'm gonna tell him you abducted
me and took me all the way
to Scotland and then tortured me.
329
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,000
Tortured you? Yeah.
You made me listen to bagpipes!
330
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,160
Fair play. Oi!
331
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,280
Look, give me a minute.
332
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,920
Let me see what I can do.
333
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,360
You're on your own, pal.
334
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,120
Jenny. You're looking...
335
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,200
like shortbread.
336
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:46,400
How do you fancy
an adult conversation? Aah!
337
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,600
Oh, my God! You are not still trying
to prove how mature you are?!
338
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,560
I have to! I wuv you.
339
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,760
OK. I'm gonna make myself
really clear...
340
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,720
I'm...not...interested!
341
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,840
Right. So just to clarify...
342
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:07,160
Chris...you invited me to a book
343
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:07,160
group which turned into be some
kind of homoerotic circle-jerk!
344
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,880
I was as surprised as you
when they started doing that.
345
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,960
Trust me, I like sex
as much as the next girl.
346
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,760
But there's a time and a place.
When and where?
347
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,120
The fact is I just want
a real, proper adult.
348
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,000
Someone who understands
there's more to life than sex.
349
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,240
And that is not you.
So please, just give me a break.
350
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,800
Fine. I give up.
351
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,880
And you're right. I am immature.
352
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,880
Yes, I'm an academic,
353
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,000
but when I'm on my own
I still burp the alphabet,
354
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,360
still light my own farts.
Wanna see? No! No!
355
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,360
Wish I'd never turned
Michelle down now.
356
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:45,880
What's that? She asked me if
I wanted to be in this threesome.
357
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,440
I said no because I
wanted to be with you. Oh.
358
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,760
Well, that's pretty...you know.
359
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,640
Making sacrifices and everything.
360
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,440
That's actually mature.
361
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,960
Mature?! MATURE!
362
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,520
I am an adult!
363
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,800
I'm so excited I could
dance like a big, gay chicken!
But I won't because I'm an adult.
364
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,840
That was really sweet,
what you did for me. How about
I come round to yours tonight,
365
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,360
no funny business,
and I talk you through Moby Dick?
366
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:14,040
Great! I'll put it in my diary!
If I had a diary. But I don't.
367
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,680
But I am going to get one because
I am an... I get the idea.
368
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,240
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
369
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,240
G'day.
370
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:33,760
I can't believe this! Kylie! Yep.
371
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:38,680
You Should Be So Lucky,
to be rock climbing in
372
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:38,680
the Scottish Highlands with me.
373
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,240
What happened to your voice?
374
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,920
Ah, just a bit of
the old laryngitis.
375
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,520
But I am still here.
376
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,880
Especially For You.
377
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,920
I can't believe how muscly you are.
378
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,600
Yeah, well.
Better The Devil You Know...
379
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:58,240
IN MAN'S VOICE: Miss Minogue's got
a very busy schedule.
380
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,480
Indeed I do.
381
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:04,200
Those kitschy disco anthems
don't write themselves.
382
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:08,360
IN MAN'S VOICE: Yeah, bye, Kylie!
Bye! Bye, little blind boy!
383
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,840
Wait. Can I have a kiss. What?!
384
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,080
I mean, what, mate?
385
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,120
I'll leave the spiky-haired
Welsh twat alone for ever...
386
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:17,920
Oh, God...
387
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,120
Grant. What are you doing?
Michelle...
388
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,560
what are you doing in Scotland?
389
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,600
Well, I was just on my way home...
390
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,200
via Scotland...
and I thought I'd drop in.
391
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,640
Into Scotland.
392
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,440
Have you met Kylie?
393
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,960
No. No, I don't believe I have.
394
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,400
Wow. I must say,
395
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,400
you look very different in real life.
396
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,480
Is she pretty, though?
397
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,120
Oh, yes. She's a real eyeful.
398
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,120
Anyway folks, I'm...
399
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:54,600
I'm feeling a little crook
so might go to the dunny...
400
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,720
Michelle, I've lost my keys again...
401
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,280
Oh, great.
402
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,760
Grant? Yes, mate?
Why are you wearing a dress?
403
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,560
You lied!
That's it, I'm telling your boss.
404
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,720
No! You can't...
hang about, you can see!
405
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,400
It's a miracle(!)
406
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:15,000
You are skiving off school.
407
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,040
OK, busted. I won't tell your boss
if you don't tell my teacher.
408
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,600
Deal. Come on, let's go.
409
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,320
Back in the helicopter.
410
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,040
It's a Renault Twingo, isn't it?
Pretty much, yeah.
411
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,200
Well, this is nice.
412
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,880
The three of us.
413
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:41,360
Grant, you look like your own
ugly sister. Why are you still
414
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:41,360
wearing that dress?
415
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:46,120
Occasionally a man needs
to feel the wind in his...
416
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,960
hair...
Is there any more gravy or...
417
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,840
Well, excuse me.
418
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,080
I'm just going to slip
into something more...
419
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,080
comfortable.
420
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,600
So what have you been up to?
421
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,920
I've been trying to
get back with Jenny.
422
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,040
Did a bit of light male grooming.
423
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,240
Why is there a pubic hair
in my dinner?
424
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,160
You're not supposed to eat that.
425
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,160
That's er...that's garnish.
426
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,840
Ta-da!
427
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,880
Ta-da!
428
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,920
Oh, my God, Michelle!
429
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:36,320
I thought you said something
more COMFORTABLE! Well,
I'm wearing slippers.
430
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,200
Now, who wants a threesome?!
431
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,600
Surprise, Chris, I'm...
432
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,360
OK, now, Jenny,
433
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,080
this isn't what it looks like.
434
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:59,840
What it looks like is some sort of
weird sicko transvestite gimp party!
435
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,240
Be fair, Chris...
it pretty much is that.
436
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:06,840
Oh, my God,
you really are just a puerile,
sex-obsessed wee boy, aren't you?
437
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:12,000
No! Jenny, wait... Great!
438
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,920
Thanks Michelle! Thanks a lot(!)
439
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,720
I'm sorry!
440
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:22,200
I didn't mean for that to happen.
Now, come on let's all just sit down
441
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:26,320
and listen to some nice music...
442
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,320
SEXUAL MUSIC PLAYS
443
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,800
I know what you're trying to do,
444
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,800
Michelle!
445
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,960
Do I look like an idiot?
446
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,000
It was rhetorical, all right?
447
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,480
OK, I admit it... I'm trying to
get you both into bed.
448
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,040
I'm sorry I wasn't more honest.
449
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,120
Yeah. Well, I'm hurt.
450
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,960
Hurt and itchy. Mainly itchy.
451
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,640
Anyway, Michelle, I'm not doing it.
Me neither.
452
00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:00,160
Ah, come on. I've had T-shirts
made up and everything.
453
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,200
Oh, good pun. I know!
454
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,280
Still not doing it.
455
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,840
Please!
456
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,600
This is really important to me.
457
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,800
I need to try these
things while I still can.
458
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:20,000
And truthfully, I can't think of
anyone I'd rather share this new
459
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:20,000
experience with than the two of you.
460
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,160
Statement excludes Hollyoaks
cast-members. I heard that one.
461
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:25,960
OK, but please, I'm serious.
462
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:31,040
Look, if I'm going to do this,
I need to do it with
two people I feel safe with.
463
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,920
My friends.
464
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,440
My best friends.
465
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,000
So what do you say?
466
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,440
Grant...Chris...
467
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,400
..fancy a trip into the unknown?
Slash my bottom?
468
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:53,080
Guess that does sound kinda naughty.
469
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,760
Suppose I've already lost Jenny...
Aw! Thank you,
470
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,120
thank you, thank you!
471
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,640
So... So...
472
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,080
So...
473
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,760
Who wants to go first?
474
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,920
I will.
475
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,680
Eye spy, with my little eye...
Grant.
476
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,280
I meant, sex things. We're
supposed to be having a threesome.
477
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,040
Oh, yeah.
478
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,440
Maybe turn the light off. Good idea.
479
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,320
So... So... So...
480
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,080
MICHELLE: Ah, sod it, I'm just
going to grab something.
481
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,440
Oh, my giddy grandma!
482
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,800
Chris, can you at least
try a bit more manly?
483
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,040
Sorry... IN DEEP VOICE:
Oh, bloody hell.
484
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,520
Why don't you just try
talking dirty to me?
485
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,160
Er, yeah, OK... Ahem.
486
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,640
Take that, you fat slag. Grant!
487
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,120
That's just rude.
Sorry, it's a very fine line.
488
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,920
Hang on...
489
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,080
Ooh, Michelle...
490
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:06,120
Mmm, I love your
skimpy little outfit.
491
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,840
You dirty, dirty girl. Hmm.
492
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,880
You're all smooth...
493
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,280
You've shaved for me, haven't you?
494
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,480
Er, fellas!
495
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,880
THE MEN SCREAM
496
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,200
Michelle's pregnant. Is it mine?!
497
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,680
Ow!
498
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:44,680
Michelle Booth, will you marry me?
Oh, my God!
499
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,720
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
500
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,920
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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