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1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,560
What's up with your arm?
I've been bit by a tramp.
2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,880
What, again?
That's the fifth time this month.
3
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:14,200
Since I left Mum's,
there's been no-one to kiss
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:14,200
my various weeping sores better.
5
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:18,040
Michelle,
kiss my various weeping sores.
6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,400
No! Kiss yourself better.
But it's traditional.
7
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:26,000
When I was bitten by a tramp
as a child, Mum would kiss it better
and sing me that song.
8
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:30,000
# The tramps will bite
The tramps will bite
9
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,600
# But with a kiss
It'll be all right
10
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,200
# So night-night, Mike #
11
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,760
Obviously where you get
your musical talent from.
12
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:44,480
I got Mum's musical talent,
you got Dad's moustache.
13
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,600
I've got to talk to Dean today.
14
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:54,600
I have to, sensibly and sensitively
and without causing distress
to either party,
15
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,240
dump his fine ass
till it bleeds like a clubbed seal.
16
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,560
I thought you liked him.
Tall, dark and handsome,
17
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,200
just like your brother.
18
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,920
You're not dark. You're pasty.
19
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,120
You spent two days in Rhyl
and half your skin peeled off.
20
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,360
Though that might have been
the toxic dump you were camping on.
21
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,440
Why do you wanna dump Dean?
22
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,320
Well, he hates my job, my brother,
23
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,680
my laugh - whaa-ha-ha!
24
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,240
It's very difficult.
25
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,680
Why would dumping someone
be difficult?
26
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,880
Why? I'll show you why.
27
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,040
# It's only me from over the sea
28
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,040
It's Barnacle Bill the... #
29
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,480
That's why.
30
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,600
You can't dump me. Why not?
31
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,040
Look at me. Check. It. Out!
32
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,040
Go. A. Way.
33
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,840
I have never been dumped.
34
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,520
I have a clean sheet
and you're not gonna spoil it.
35
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,800
It's not a sport, Dean. Au contraire,
36
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,800
it is very much a sport.
37
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,560
It is the game of love.
38
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,720
A game of two halves.
39
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,960
It's only a game,
so put up a real good fight.
40
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:17,480
I'm gonna be snookering you,
snookering you tonight.
41
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,600
Big Break! Romantic, eh?
42
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:24,960
Look, Michelle, I'm not gonna
let you break up with me,
there's no way you can.
43
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,600
And until I decide we're finished,
I'm gonna be the unbreakable,
undumpable man.
44
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,680
You're dumped. I can't hear you!
# Dum-ti, dum-ti, dum... #
45
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,400
Michelle, I think that tramp
may have given me a disease.
46
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,360
Kiss it better and make it go away.
47
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,360
A tramp? With a disease?
48
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,640
Why, shock and sarcastic horror!
Bosom clutch!
49
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,560
And pitiful shake of head.
50
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,960
How can you not take this seriously?
51
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:55,640
You'll be sorry when I die.
Of rabies.
52
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,600
# Oo-arr, up she rises,
Oo-arr up she rises,
53
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,760
# Oo-arr, up she rises
early in the morning #
54
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,680
Go away!
55
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,720
Go!
56
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,280
Oh! I can't get rid of him.
57
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,960
I try and be rude and horrid
58
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,960
and he just gets keener. He's like...
59
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,400
He's like a woman.
60
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,520
Ooh, what's that smell?
61
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,040
I don't know.
Maybe it's his two dozen roses,
62
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,240
or the teddy sprayed with pheromones
63
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:34,280
or - this is my personal favourite -
the selection of jams.
64
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:38,040
No. No, it's erm...
65
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,840
What?
66
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,640
Nothing.
67
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,240
I've started seeing this fella.
68
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,280
He's Italian.
69
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:48,880
Italian? Mais oui!
70
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,400
That's French.
71
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:51,640
Bien sur?
72
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,600
That's also French.
73
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,200
Seig Heil.
74
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,320
That's a Nazi salute.
75
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,920
Is it?
76
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,160
No wonder I'm banned from Prague.
77
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:07,680
# Shave him on the belly with a
rusty razor! Shave him on the belly
with a rusty razor... # Out!
78
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,160
So, this Italian. What's his name?
79
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,000
I dunno, lasagne or something.
80
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,480
He treats me so well.
81
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,240
Claire, I'm so pleased for you.
82
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,280
You usually go for junkies,
thieves and pimps.
83
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,960
Women always go for someone
like their father.
84
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,360
This one's different.
85
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,520
He phones me, he doesn't bend me
in unsightly ways,
86
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,120
he even cooks for me!
87
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,760
Oh... And, er...this cooking,
88
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,040
is it Italian cooking?
89
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,360
Yeah, just like mama used to make.
90
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:50,200
Well, not my mum or I'd be sucking
on an empty bottle of Smirnoff
with a side order of ketamine.
91
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:55,520
He makes this garlic focaccia
that's just... Whoar!
92
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,320
And this rosemary and garlic
chicken thing that's just... Whoar!
93
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,920
And a lemon and garlic rub on
thin slices of tuna that's just...
Yes! Yes, I get it...
94
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,440
It's Whoar.
95
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,760
Oh, sorry for saying, love,
but your breath's a bit whiffy.
96
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,600
Grant! Grant!
97
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:17,840
Dean.
98
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:21,000
Why are you dressed
like a dinner lady?
99
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:25,200
For your information, I'm just
returning from my cookery course.
100
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,800
You're doing home economics? Ow!
101
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,080
My insides hurt
with the pity I feel!
102
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:35,120
Do you want me to stamp on your
head, put you out of your misery?
103
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,000
People like you always say that.
104
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,480
Bet you don't even know
how to boil an egg. Yeah, I do.
105
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,120
You take an egg...
106
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,000
to your mum's...
No, I don't know how to boil an egg.
107
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:54,840
Well, I know how to boil, poach,
108
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:54,840
scramble, fry and roast an egg.
109
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,760
Oh, it's an egg-based course! Nice.
110
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:03,240
Is your teacher a very round man
who suffers great falls a lot?
111
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,800
Mr Dumpty, is it?
112
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,120
No.
113
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,880
Cos that would be cannibalism.
114
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:12,600
I'm doing the course
cos it impresses women
if you can cook. Ask Michelle.
115
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,200
No. Michelle's not into all that.
She's into... Yeah?
116
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,160
Snowboarding?
117
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,480
Snowboarding?
118
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,960
Really?
119
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,960
Cos I can just change my course.
120
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:41,040
It says here
animals affected by rabies
may retreat to isolated spaces.
121
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,280
I spent over an hour today
on my own in the bathroom.
122
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,560
You don't have rabies.
123
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,600
Animals may lose
their innate fear of humans.
124
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,640
I'm not afraid of humans.
125
00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:01,240
I find them interesting and often
pleasant company. I'm gonna die!
126
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,480
Ha! Kiss my weeping sore!
127
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,480
I am not looking after you.
128
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,800
Rabies sufferers
become afraid of water.
129
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,240
I prefer tea.
130
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,040
Let me have a look. Come on, move.
131
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:27,040
Yes. It says here
an infected animal may chew on
his own limbs in blind frustration.
132
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,680
Look, if you're that worried,
go to the doctor.
133
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,920
I can't.
He won't kiss it better either.
134
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,280
Just get some antibiotics off him.
135
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,880
I did that the last time
I was bitten by a tramp.
136
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,240
And the time before that.
137
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,920
And the time before that.
138
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,480
And the time before that.
139
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,720
And the time before that.
140
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,400
And the time before that?
141
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,400
Nah, didn't want to bother them.
142
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,160
I have to think of a way
to dump Dean.
143
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,520
That's easy.
I've got the perfect plan.
144
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,760
It's not the plan where you try
to assassinate the Krankies? No.
145
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,920
But they should watch themselves.
146
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:08,720
What's the point of pantomime if
kids past row G don't get toffees?
147
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,080
This plan's genius. Go on.
148
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:15,000
Kiss my pus-y wound
and I'll tell you.
149
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,920
There is no plan, is there?
150
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:21,680
Nah. Oh! There just doesn't seem
151
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:21,680
to be any way of getting rid of him.
152
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:26,720
I may as well just accept defeat
and live a sad and empty life
with a man I don't love.
153
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,520
Woe is Michelle. No!
154
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,920
No, you shouldn't.
155
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:36,680
I don't tell you this enough,
but you're...you're OK, Michelle.
156
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,680
I mean, you're not great...
157
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:46,040
Or good. Or nice,
or kind, or sweet, or generous...
158
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:52,920
Mike... You're not interesting,
159
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:52,920
or well bred, or clever,
or stylish, or charming.
160
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,440
But?
161
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,560
That was it.
162
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:03,640
Well, maybe if being horrible didn't
work, being a psycho bird would.
163
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,680
Men hate that. We do.
164
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,400
Now kiss my gaping rabies hole.
165
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,240
You don't have rabies! I do!
166
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,520
I'm gonna die.
167
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,680
Like a dog.
168
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,840
IMITATES SCRATCHING
169
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,320
# DJ Mike, dying of rabies
170
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:25,120
# Every night, sending the ladies
crazy with just one bite
171
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:29,240
# And becoming a dog
Woof-woof, woof-woof, all right. #
172
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,240
Huh?
173
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,440
I've made a quiche. Ooh!
174
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,600
Ah!
175
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:47,280
What kind of quiche?
A special quiche, the likes
176
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:47,280
of which no man has seen before.
177
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,480
A fish quiche -
178
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,080
Michelle's favourite.
179
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,960
Why can't I sit with you?
180
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,560
Because you smell worse
181
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,560
than Grant's fish quiche. What?!
182
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,840
How dare you derograte
my fishy flan?
183
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,400
It's flan-tastic.
184
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,640
And it smells nothing like
whatever it is Claire's stepped in.
185
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,840
I've stepped in nothing.
186
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,720
OK, I might have stepped in a cat,
but it was an accident
187
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,840
and I'm 60% sure
it was already dead.
188
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:21,360
Anyway, you lie, Grant - this fishy
flob isn't Michelle's favourite.
189
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,000
She likes flumps.
190
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,360
Hence the pastry,
which includes flumpage.
191
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:31,520
You'd have to be
a right smarty pants
to put one over on Grant's quiche.
192
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:35,400
Which is the least macho thing
I think I've ever said.
193
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:39,640
Women don't like men
to be domesticated. It's unnatural.
194
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,640
We are the hunters,
they are our prey.
195
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,360
We are the lions,
they are the gazelle.
196
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,680
We are the eagle, they are the mice.
197
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,560
You are the idiots,
we are laughing at you.
198
00:10:53,240 --> 00:11:00,680
I think you'll find my fish quiche
is not only difficult to say,
it's also delicious.
199
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,480
It's De-fish-ious.
200
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,280
Hey! Hey! Hands off the flan, man.
201
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,200
This IS defishious.
202
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,160
But I can do better. And I will.
203
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,160
I'm gonna beat your quiche.
204
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,560
Beat your quiche, eh? Ooh, racy.
205
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,560
Whoarr.
206
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:21,080
The woman honks. She smells like
a rat got stuck in her throat
207
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,600
and passed the time by farting.
208
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:30,160
Someone should tell her
before she contaminates my quiche.
You may have made a quiche,
209
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:34,120
and I doff my cap. But I have
something even more special.
210
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,360
God has given me a gift.
211
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:41,640
A sexy gift. A gift I've been using
on Michelle for quite some time now.
212
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,680
And she can't get enough of it.
213
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,760
I'll show you.
214
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,800
# It's only me from over the sea
It's Barnacle Bill the sailor. #
215
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:57,480
And that, my friends,
is why she'll never dump me.
216
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,040
Yeah, we'll see.
217
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,840
The way to a woman's heart
is through her stomach.
218
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,480
And Michelle's stomach
is going to be going
219
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:10,400
"Ooh, Grrant is grreat.
Blub, blub."
220
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:15,080
Yeah? Yeah? Well, her heart's gonna
be going "lub-a-dub, lub-a-dub,
221
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,600
"love Dean, love Dean."
222
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:22,600
Yeah, and her mouth's gonna be
going "leave me alone,
you pair of tossers".
223
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,920
If you wanna know
what gets her going, don't you think
you should ask her best friend?
224
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,920
That's me, isn't it? Right,
225
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,640
take your pants off
and I'll tell you.
226
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,040
Boo! Arghh! Grant.
227
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,040
What are you doing?
228
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,440
I came to see you, like.
229
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,040
It's a surprise, you like surprises.
230
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:59,760
I suppose. Well, look, I'm trying
to work, so just keep it down a bit.
231
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,040
SURPRISE!
232
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,040
Stop doing that. What's this?
233
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,200
That got the blood pumping, did it?
234
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,080
A little bit of... ooh, spiders!
235
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,040
SHE SCREAMS
236
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,720
Grant, what are you doing?
237
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,080
That's got you going, hasn't it?
238
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,200
Why do you keep trying to scare me?
239
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,480
I don't want to scare you,
I want to surprise you.
240
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,320
Kerry Katona has a willy!
241
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,680
What is going on with you today?
242
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,080
Don't you like it? No, it's weird.
243
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,200
But Claire said
surprises got you going.
244
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,720
You took advice
from a woman who thinks
petrol is a tasty bedtime drink?
245
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:44,240
I thought she'd know.
She's your best friend.
Grant, I can't do this today.
246
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,800
I have to be a psycho bird
so Dean won't like me any more. How?
247
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,400
I'll just go,
"Don't look at other women, or
I'll cut off your legs with a spoon!"
248
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:56,280
"I've been going through your phone,
who is this train timetable slut?"
249
00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:01,800
"How did you escape? I tied you
to that radiator good. Damn good."
250
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,520
Brilliant!
251
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,080
Oh, God, it's never going to work.
252
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,960
I'll just have to lie to him,
and not like when I said my auntie
was Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles.
253
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,840
This lie has got to get rid
of Dean irrefutably.
254
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,480
Oh, Michelle,
you don't know about Dean.
255
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,920
Look, I'm really sorry,
but Dean's in hospital.
256
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,880
I forgot to say when I came in.
257
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,360
He's very ill and it's touch and go.
258
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,320
Very funny, this a surprise too,
is it? No, Michelle, it's true.
259
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:36,520
I'm so sorry, I was so wrapped up
in surprising you that
I didn't realise you wouldn't know.
260
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,280
Oh, what have I done? This is awful.
261
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,520
Look, I'll run you down there
if you like.
262
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,920
Oh, no! Seriously? What's happened?
263
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,240
Surprise!
264
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,560
I am getting good at this!
265
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,000
Did that get you a bit frisky?
266
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,640
No. Grant,
why would Claire tell you this?
267
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,360
Well, she gave both me and Dean
a tip each.
268
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,880
I've no idea what she said to Dean,
but she usually makes fun of me,
269
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,600
so I'm guessing
Dean's was a bit more sensible.
270
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,680
KLAXON BLARES
271
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,160
Surprise.
272
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:27,800
So, the way to her heart
is to wear three hats.
273
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,680
Woof!
274
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,360
You just covet the three hats.
275
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,800
SHE STIFLES A LAUGH
276
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,640
You're appreciating the hats,
I can see.
277
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,760
Er, Mike,
I need a word. In the kitchen.
278
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,120
If I can walk that far.
279
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,760
Aaah! Aaah!
280
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,840
Probably talking
about the three hats.
281
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:56,080
I went to the doctors, and they
confirmed the worst. It's rabies.
282
00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:03,040
They prescribed a kiss better,
a song and maybe some money
so I can buy MixMag.
283
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,360
You went to the doctor?
I went to A doctor.
284
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,880
Doctor Beat, if you must know.
285
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,960
Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doctor Beat.
286
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:15,200
Come on, me arm's hurting, embrace
my scabs with your gob of plenty.
287
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,760
No! Listen to me, Mike. Oh!
288
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,040
Ah! Listen. I've thought
of a plan for dumping Dean
289
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,600
and I need you to go along with
anything I say. Ruff! Mike!
290
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:32,640
Sorry. But in my rabid state
I may have to resort to biting him.
It's all my kind know.
291
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,000
Three hats.
292
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,960
That's what I'm talking about.
293
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,800
OK, go!
294
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,560
Dean,
I have something I need to tell you.
295
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,120
I bet you do, you headgear hornbag.
296
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,160
I can't see you any more.
Did I get the hats wrong?
297
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,720
Should I have gone
bobble, cap, bobble,
instead of bobble, bobble, cap?
298
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,960
No. Dean, our relationship is a sham.
299
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,440
I am not a woman... What!
Can I finish? Oh.
300
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,040
Ohhhh, the light is fading.
301
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,760
The light is fading. Woof!
302
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,720
Mike, stop playing
with the dimmer switch.
303
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,920
I am not a woman
who can be untrue to herself.
304
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,960
This man, there...
305
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,880
The one curled in a ball
chewing his limbs.
306
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,960
Yeah, Mike. I see him.
307
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,600
He is not my brother,
but my husband!
308
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,720
No, he's not. Stop lying.
309
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,800
I am not lying!
'Twas a marriage of convenience.
310
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:39,600
He bought me from my father
the Sheik of...of all of...Sheiktown.
311
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,800
Arghhh, water!
312
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,200
Oh, no, it's OK. It's just beer.
313
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,720
My mistake.
Who's been urinating on our floor?
314
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,320
No matter - it was me.
315
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,440
OK, I'm not the daughter
of the Sheik of Sheiktown.
But we have to split up.
316
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,760
No, Michelle. I told you, I'm
the one who decides when it ends.
I don't get dumped,
317
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,360
I have a clean sheet
and you're not spoiling it.
318
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,920
But you can't stop it. I can. Watch.
319
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:14,240
What's your reason for dumping me?
Ooh. You're a bit of a shower hog.
320
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:14,240
Mike, shut it.
321
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,320
And he wouldn't kiss my arm
when I got rabies,
and that makes me sad. Mike!
322
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,400
And you're just that bit too tidy
round the braids. Bit effeminate.
323
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,200
OK. Now I know why I'm not going out
with MIKE any more.
324
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,200
But what are your reasons, Michelle?
OK...
325
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,080
I'm not looking for
a serious relationship right now.
326
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,600
And you wear way too many hats.
327
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,360
But I made you a fish quiche.
328
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,120
I love you!
329
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:45,080
I mean, there isn't any shellfish
in this, is there? No.
330
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,000
Oh, it's my favourite!
331
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,840
Oh! I thought we were having
sausages.
332
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,320
So it's settled. I'll come by
in the week for some drinks.
333
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:58,320
I may be a bit cheeky,
add a fourth hat. Just for you.
334
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,040
I'm thinking a jaunty beret.
335
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,800
Mmm. Hello, quiche.
336
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,600
All right, see you later. Bye.
337
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,200
Goodbye, Dean.
338
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,840
Oh! What the hell just happened?
339
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:13,000
With my heightened sense of smell,
I gather you're still going out.
340
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,400
Surprise!
341
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,080
What is your problem?
342
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:36,480
No, no problem. I just really,
really like wearing this.
343
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,280
Where did you get a gas mask from?
344
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:43,200
My granddad's attic. Phew, someone
drooled a lot during the Blitz.
345
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,560
I'm just gonna stand over here.
346
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,560
So, last night, my Italian...
347
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,440
You still don't know his name?
348
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,400
I call him the stallion.
349
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,040
Oh, the Italian Stallion!
350
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,000
No, he looks like Desert Orchid.
351
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:06,280
Anyway last night, after dinner...
What, you finally bathed?
352
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,760
No, we got round to trying
his prized garlic liqueur.
353
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,640
Oh, fragrant.
354
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:16,240
Yeah, the thing about garlic is...
I knew you'd be proud
because it thins the blood,
355
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,960
but I'm going to have to give up
some of my more dangerous hobbies.
356
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,920
I'm gonna miss dogging.
357
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:29,640
Claire, you do realise
that garlic really leaves a stink
on you after you've had it?
358
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,160
Yeah, of course.
359
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,520
But he uses a special garlic.
360
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:39,360
After our first night together,
I woke up and had a good old sniff
to see if he honked. And?
361
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,680
He smelt of nothing but bed clothes
and Claire juice.
362
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,800
Claire juice?
363
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,680
From freshly squeezed Claires.
364
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:52,520
OK. Um, let me try and make it
a bit clearer.
365
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:57,960
I have something I need to tell you
and I want to make it as gentle
and delicate as possible.
366
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,280
You stink, woman!
367
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:04,560
What? You stink like a garlic
factory that has a sideline
368
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:04,560
in garlic-based perfume,
369
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,360
employing only the homeless
and the French.
370
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:10,920
You reek. And it's really
affecting our friendship.
371
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:14,400
Ah - cos we can't snog
in the storeroom any more?
372
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,600
We've never snogged in
the storeroom. Haven't we?
373
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,760
Well, who the hell was that, then?
374
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,920
I've made another quiche.
375
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,480
Ooh!
376
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,320
Ah!
377
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:32,720
Don't beg at the table.
378
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,120
The secret ingredient
is clamato juice,
379
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,240
Which is tomato juice...and clam.
380
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:44,000
Mike, would you mind me
going out with your sister?
381
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,960
Yeah, go for it.
You really like her, don't you?
382
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,080
Almost as much
as I like humping your leg.
383
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,560
Don't do that!
384
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:58,840
No, with Michelle, it's not just
385
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:58,840
"like". It's "proper like".
386
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,200
It's "pee your pants like",
387
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:06,120
it's "make an effigy of her
with your mam's clothes
and bath with it like".
388
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,800
If you feel that way,
you should tell her.
389
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,480
It'd be ace having you
as a brother-in-law.
390
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:15,160
You could hide me from people
who don't understand my ways.
391
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,960
Really? Do I have your blessing,
Mike? Yeah, you do it, Grant.
392
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,400
You're perfectly suited.
You're both professionals.
393
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:27,920
Oh, heck - I've been so wrapped up
in my quiche, I haven't been in
to work for two days!
394
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,280
You both have that thing
about dandelions.
395
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:34,720
Look like cheese strings,
396
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:34,720
don't taste like cheese strings.
Cruel trick of nature.
397
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,760
Both allergic to pumpkin seeds.
398
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:42,840
Remember when your head swelled up
and everyone called you "Grant,
Grant with the big, fat head"? No.
399
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,640
It was behind your back, mostly.
400
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,000
I thought of it.
401
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,600
Michelle's not allergic
402
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,600
to pumpkin seeds. No, shellfish.
403
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,160
Shellfish! Oh, lucky I didn't
give her this quiche then, eh?
404
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,320
Yeah. Although Dean gave her one
405
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,320
last night.
406
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,480
Oh, rub it in.
407
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,920
No, a quiche.
408
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:03,320
It was smashing. It had a fish
on the top. That was my quiche!
409
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:04,840
She's having it for lunch.
410
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:10,800
What?! They'll call her "Michelle,
Michelle, with the big fat head".
411
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:10,800
Good one!
412
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,280
HE SHUDDERS
413
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:20,920
Sausages!
414
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,160
Mike, off the furniture!
415
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,600
Come on... Ooh, my voice is weird.
416
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,640
Uh!
417
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,360
Hello to you too.
418
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,480
Your face! It's massive!
419
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,400
What? What's going on?
420
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,760
Look.
421
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,360
Ah!
422
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:40,400
Who's that?!
423
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,480
You ate shellfish in Grant's quiche.
That wasn't shellfish. Clamato!
424
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,800
This is no time to speak Spanish.
We got to get you to hospital.
425
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,240
I'll get me lead.
426
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,000
Oh, my God.
427
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,280
What's with your head? Dean!
428
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,040
I ate shellfish.
429
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,200
I bought four more hats for you!
430
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,280
I was going to take you to Wimpeys.
431
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,480
How could you do this?
432
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,280
How could you look so...urgh?
433
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:10,360
Well, we can stay in.
Watch the telly. Order a takeaway.
434
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:15,240
Michelle. I cannot stay in with...
"Michelle, Michelle
with the big, fat head"!
435
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:20,320
But I'm desperately ill.
Look, come to the hospital
and be a nice boyfriend.
436
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,840
Oh, Michelle I think you're right.
Maybe it's time to call it a day.
437
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:28,040
But... Oh, my voice is stupid.
438
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,880
It'd be like arguing
with the Crazy Frog.
439
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,160
On the plus side,
at least there's a positive.
440
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,200
What's that?
441
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,400
Still got my clean sheet.
442
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,800
What a git. Ooh, can I put my head
out of the van window like this?
443
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,280
Poor me.
444
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,520
No boyfriend, a face like a beach
ball and a voice like a munchkin.
445
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,560
Who's going to find me attractive
now?
446
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,080
I'm bored of this game now.
447
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:16,040
Grant, there was no reason
to eat pumpkin seeds of guilt.
448
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,120
There was, Michelle.
449
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,680
If you suffer, I suffer.
450
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,800
And if you suffer, I laugh!
451
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:31,720
Claire, it might be the inside
of my nostrils swelling up,
but you don't smell any more.
452
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,440
I know. I took your advice, told him
to leave the garlic out of the food.
453
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:36,640
What happened?
454
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:41,120
He made me a separate meal,
sans garlic. Oh, he sounds lovely.
455
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:44,840
He sounds like a really nice fella.
Shame he had to go.
456
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,080
You dumped him? Why?
He flipping stunk.
457
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:54,800
Right, I'm off to find
fresh-smelling fresh meat
of the man variety.
458
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,440
Have fun.
459
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,120
Oh, can I just do one thing?
460
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,400
Chubby-wubby-wubby.
461
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,480
Bye!
462
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,240
So...
463
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,480
Dean's out of the picture.
464
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,560
So it's slightly implausible
you'll see him soon?
465
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:22,200
We're staying friends. Though I won't
call him until my face is smaller.
466
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,480
So you're single again?
467
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,360
Yeah.
468
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,280
And er, I'm single.
469
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,400
Yeah.
470
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:41,640
So, what do two, single crazy cats
like us
471
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,960
do on a night like this?
472
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,520
Let's take Mike for a walk.
473
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,480
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
474
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,520
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