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1
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IMITATES SCRATCHING
2
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Yeah, oh yeah. Mofo in the house.
3
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:08,480
Come on, check it
out, ladies, ah yeah!
4
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:13,680
# There's no-one quite like grandma
And I know you will... #
5
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,400
SWITHCHES MUSIC OFF
What? It's due a comeback. Anyway,
6
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,400
I've got me a gig at Bar Salade!
7
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:23,560
On the best night as well,
when all the young, cool, hip
urbanites go in. Oh, yeah...
8
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,160
Don't they call that "Laugh at Mike"
night?
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,320
It's "Open Mic" night, actually.
10
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,160
"Openly laugh at Mike" night.
11
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,880
Yeah, that's it.
12
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,080
Mike, look, I need you to get all of
your stuff out of the living room.
13
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,080
Everything, including the smell.
14
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,880
What smell?
15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:55,520
I have been trusted with working
16
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:55,520
from home. I live here too, Michelle.
17
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,320
Yes, but you're too immature
to be around my clients.
18
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,480
The amount of broccoli you
get through would be distracting.
19
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,560
I'm not immature.
I have a youthful exuberance.
20
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,120
# Fa-la-la-la! #
21
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,800
Did Mum drink while she was
carrying you? All right, I'll stop.
22
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,160
They're going to let
me see a client at home.
23
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,880
I've been trusted as a proper
professional nutritionist.
24
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:23,200
This room will be a non-cynical
pinnacle of clinical...good stuff.
25
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,400
My work area will be a
haven of professionalism.
26
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,960
He's my lucky working-from-home
troll. I don't understand.
27
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,040
Why do you want to work from home
when you've got a nice office?
28
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I have no idea.
29
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Claire, off my desk!
30
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,760
Oh, for...
31
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,240
This is sick, Claire. What's sick?
32
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:53,080
This puddle of
liquid I'm standing in.
33
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,000
Don't blame me, you were
the one who threw the party.
34
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,280
Claire,
I didn't throw a party last night.
35
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,480
I'd never have a
party on a school night.
36
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,080
I'm a trusted and
respected professional.
37
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AS LITTLE GIRL: Why is Desk Troll not
speaking to Mrs Desk Troll?
38
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,640
You did have a party!
There was food, there was music...
39
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:19,480
No, you turned up at my flat, drunk,
with a bag of chips and a frightened
student from Cheetham's Music School.
40
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,520
Ah, that's who I got
off with last night?
41
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,720
No! Byron was 12!
42
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,640
I had to phone his mother.
43
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,160
She attacked me with
a Millennium Falcon.
44
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,160
I felt like Jabba the Hutt.
45
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,400
You look a bit like him, too.
46
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,840
I know I got off with
someone last night.
47
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,640
I've got to find him.
48
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,000
It was the single most
erotic experience of my life.
49
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,960
My lips are actually tingling.
50
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,360
Are you sure it was a
man and not a car battery?
51
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,920
This man was amazing.
52
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,720
Anyone who can kiss that well and
that sensually
53
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,320
has got to be packing heat, if you
know what I mean.
54
00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,440
Packing heat means carrying a weapon.
55
00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,440
It certainly does.
56
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,960
I thought you weren't in today.
Thought you were seeing
Mr Harrison at home.
57
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,560
Yeah, I am. I just need to find his
file.
58
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,200
Oh! Here it is!
59
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,040
Ha, everything's going to be perfect.
60
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,040
Oh, it's a happy day
for nutritional health.
61
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,960
I've stepped in sick again.
62
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,760
So should I start with a
touch of Gloria Estefan
63
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,760
or a splash of Crazy Frog?
64
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:31,360
I'm frightened.
I always find that kids are
partial to a splash of my frog.
65
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,600
And that statement proves I
should never be a teacher.
66
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,000
I know I said I'd help you out
but this is the first time I've
67
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,000
ever skived from work.
68
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,240
The sickie phone call I made was the
scariest thing I've done
69
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,200
since waking up naked on a futon
with Bampey.
70
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,160
What's Bampey?
He's a sick old man is what he is.
71
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:54,440
So, how does it feel to be
playing truant for the first
time in your life, eh?
72
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:58,440
To be honest, after the
first wave of nervous vomiting
73
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:04,280
and the whole panic attack, hiding
in the ladies screaming "Bampey"
74
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:04,280
thing, it's actually quite exciting.
75
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,760
Yeah? Yeah. I played truant from
76
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,760
school once, to get out of a test.
77
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,720
Oh, we've all done that.
It was an eye test.
78
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:14,640
Some things you can't study for
and I just don't suit spectacles.
79
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,200
They make me look geeky.
80
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,680
Scrummy.
81
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,600
I suppose
it's unlikely I'll get caught.
82
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,640
I mean, who at my stuffy old
law firm would ever come to
83
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,640
a place like Bar Salade?
84
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:31,480
Yeah, this is a place for people
with mates, cool people,
people who hang out, you know,
85
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,560
write poetry and smoke
very thin cigarettes.
86
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,320
I don't like smoking.
87
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:42,200
On other people it looks
cool and James Dean-ish, but
on me it just looks French.
88
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,160
And when I say French
I mean homosexual.
89
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,400
I don't like it either. But I
do like a bit of poetry, though.
90
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,760
William Wordsworth,
John Keats, Jazzy Jeff.
91
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:58,160
Me too. Well, yo, you are you ready
for me yet? Pump it up, Prince.
92
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,360
Well, yo, you ready for me?
Pump it up, Prince.
93
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:06,840
# Here I go, here I go, here I go,
yo! Dance in the aisles when
the Prince steps to it... #
94
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:11,440
Oh, heck! There's Mr Stephenson!
I don't think those are the lyrics,
95
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:11,440
Grant. ..Grant?
96
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,160
He's my boss, the company's...
97
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:18,000
Well, nobody's quite sure what he
does but he pokes me with Biros.
98
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,680
If he spots me I'm a dead man.
99
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:25,040
What do you want for brunch? It says
they're doing British-Asian fusion -
100
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,280
gyoza and nori rolls in a barm cake.
101
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:34,480
No way. I'm staying under here until
that nasty, poking bully has
gone home. Mr Grant?
102
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,200
DEEP VOICE: It's not me.
103
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,040
Mr Grant, Grant?
104
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,400
He was advising me
about the law, actually.
105
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,800
He just said, "law rocks."
106
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,680
Aren't you supposed to be ill?
107
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,280
Yeah, I was but,
you see, a client needed me.
108
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,120
That client there.
109
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,760
Mr Jubblyblob. Pleased to meet you.
110
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,880
Mr Jubblyblob! Hmm.
111
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,800
It's Swedish, actually. Ja?
112
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,000
Oh, yes. Of course it is.
113
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,760
Mr Grant,
as a newbie you're in no position to
be advising from under a table yet.
114
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,640
I suggest you get back to work.
115
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,840
I don't think you're suited
to working outside the office.
116
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,360
I'm poorly.
117
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,920
COMBINED SWEDISH AND NORTHERN ACCENT:
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00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,920
Ja, he's right poorly.
119
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,480
Then you should be in bed.
120
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,120
I am in bed,
121
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,160
aren't I?
122
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,800
Oh, the light's fading...
123
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,240
Is that you Bampey?
124
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,240
We'll need
a sick note by tomorrow morning.
125
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,520
Ja? From a proper doctor.
126
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,680
We don't take kindly to skiving.
127
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,560
I'll be reporting this to HR.
128
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,360
Mr...Jubblyblob.
129
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,200
Oh, heck.
How do I get out of this one?
130
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:57,120
I've just lied to my bosses! The
poking'll get worse now, for sure.
131
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,400
They'll poke me in my...chambers.
132
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,640
What do I do? I don't know. It'll
have to be something convincing
133
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,280
to get past that
level of infallible intellect.
134
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,200
Mr Jubblyblob indeed!
135
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,480
Yes?
136
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,880
INTERCOM BUZZES
137
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,040
Michelle Booth...
138
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,400
nutritionist and diet...dude...
Come up!
139
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,440
Perfect.
Oh, and you, I told you to get out.
140
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,080
But I'm resting.
141
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,360
I'm saving my strength
for my gig on Friday.
142
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,760
You're not Mr Harrison? I can be
anyone you want.
143
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:50,400
I thought I'd come by and help you
with your filing. Maybe I could...
144
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:54,760
Ooh! ..organise your paperwork.
145
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,880
Are you asking me for a job?
146
00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,160
I think he's being lewd, Michelle,
lewd and crude.
147
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,720
I for one am sickened.
148
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:06,880
So sickened, in fact, I
think I should stay here
149
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:06,880
and monitor his behaviour.
150
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,640
Get out, Mike.
151
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:13,280
OK. But I don't like him talking to
you like that. Mike, that's how
the youth of today speak.
152
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,400
What do you mean the youth of today?
I AM the youth of today.
153
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:20,560
You're what, 37, 38? Oh, good lord.
I think I'm going to be sick.
154
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,000
He's 29. Whoa.
155
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,880
Oh, thank God. I'm still delicious.
156
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,000
Arghhh!
157
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,240
20...40...
158
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,120
..20...40.
159
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,080
Oh, gravity, why
have you forsaken me?
160
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,160
Would anyone mind if I spent the
rest of my life like this?
161
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,440
THUD! >
162
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,560
Sorry!
163
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,560
INTERCOM BUZZES >
164
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:54,440
That's Mr Harrison!
You can't be here.
165
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:54,440
Everything's got to be perfect!
166
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,000
But I was going to organise
your paperwork.
167
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:02,040
Later. OK, look, you'll have to
wait on the balcony. On the bal...?
168
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,680
What?!
169
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:07,160
You can fill in your own job
sheet for once, can't you?
170
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,120
INTERCOM BUZZES AGAIN
171
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,280
Michelle Booth, nutritionist and
diet...dude. Come up!
172
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,720
Claire,
how old would you say I looked?
173
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,400
You've got nothing to worry about.
You'd pass for 40 easy.
Good Lord!
174
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,200
How do I go about looking younger?
175
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,040
Get me drunker. Speaking of which, I
was wasted at Michelle's party
last night.
176
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:36,120
Michelle didn't have a party
177
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:36,120
last night. You turned up drunk with
a child.
178
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,520
It was like
Courtney Love was in the room.
179
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,960
And the thing is I know
I got off with someone.
180
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,040
I've made a list of what
I can remember about him.
181
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:48,720
There's nothing on it.
Exactly. Those cheeky little booze
fairies gone and done it again.
182
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:53,320
Why don't you get into the state you
were in last night and it'll all
come flooding back?
183
00:09:56,280 --> 00:10:02,320
Claire, how did you get so wasted
in 30 seconds?
184
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,320
It's a gift.
185
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:10,160
Well, I call it a gift,
they call it suspected hepatitis.
186
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,200
Do you remember anything?
Yeah, right(!)
187
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,920
I know he had shaggy hair.
188
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,480
My hair! I could dye it to make me
look younger!
189
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,280
Yeah! Works for that little old
man in The Sixth Sense.
190
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:26,600
I wish I could find out who this
fella was. He was an amazing kisser
191
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,000
and, right, he was definitely tall
and he was athletic.
192
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,360
So we've got tall,
athletic, shaggy hair.
193
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,520
No idea.
194
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,760
Hold on. You don't think it was...
Oh, no, this was a young man.
Oh, good Lord!
195
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:45,840
OK, Mr Harrison, prepare yourself for
the best consultation of your life!
196
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:50,040
I feel a bit unwell.
197
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:50,040
Well, That's why you're here,
with me, Michelle Booth.
198
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,160
Nutritionist and diet...dude.
199
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:57,720
OK, we talked about you becoming more
active in your every...
200
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,320
..everyday life.
201
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,040
And perhaps eating a little
more healthily too. Oh, I have!
202
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,560
But it's not doing any good.
203
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,840
I've been feeling a bit
queer lately.
204
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,680
Excellent!
205
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:18,000
I've filled out one of your diet
sheets as you asked, Miss Booth.
206
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:18,000
Only...I spilt custard on it.
207
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:22,000
So...I ate it.
208
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,560
..That's it, baby, bend for Mamma.
209
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,120
Are you OK?
210
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,840
You seem a bit distracted. No.
211
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,120
I'm a professional. That's
why they let me work from home.
212
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:38,760
OK. Now, your doctor found you
were rather frustrated...dehydrated.
213
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,480
How's that going?
214
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,200
Yes, I've been drinking
more custard to compensate.
215
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,680
..Naughty boy.
Someone's going over my knee later.
216
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,600
Ooh! OK.
217
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,480
Ooh, no!
218
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,680
Ooh, sorry.
I'm just not concentrating properly.
219
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,680
The good news is your blood pressure
has dropped between visits to the
doctor.
220
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:04,320
Oh, that's weird, cos
I've been getting these pains.
221
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,200
I'm really worried about 'em.
222
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,280
..Holy crud, that is dirty!
223
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,760
Oh, em...
224
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,760
Excuse me for a moment, will you?
Yeah.
225
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,040
I'm feeling a bit poorly.
226
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,440
That just makes it ten times worse!
227
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,280
Excuse me for a second.
228
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,200
It's like Tales Of The Unexpected.
229
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,960
I'll be with you shortly. I just have
230
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,960
something I need to deal with.
231
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,840
So, I didn't want
to mention it but...
232
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,080
what's with the John Merrick
headgear?
233
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,680
I'm glad you asked.
I had a bit of an accident.
234
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,680
Oh, no! Are you all right?
235
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,520
Have you been disfigured?
236
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,560
On the one hand, yes.
237
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:05,840
On the other hand, oh, my God, yes!
238
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,840
Gies a look. I'm not an animal!
239
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,520
Come on. I'm your friend,
it can't be that bad.
240
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,320
You have Lego hair! Shut up!
241
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:29,360
Oh, that's brilliant!
Why did you do it? Look at YOU!
242
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,120
It makes me look younger!
243
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,080
It makes you look like Roy Orbison.
244
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,360
Sing Pretty Woman! Don't look at me!
Don't look at me!
245
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,000
Aw, Michael, it's really not that
bad. No?
246
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,520
It's really, really bad!
247
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:50,240
Thanks a lot, Grant. I thought
you were my mate. Ah, look, Mike,
I'll stop, I'm sorry.
248
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,800
It was nervous laughter.
249
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,400
I lied to my bosses today,
about being ill.
250
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,800
I never should have skived.
251
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,800
Now I have to find a way to
fake an illness to fool my doctor.
252
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,720
You're just trying not
to laugh, aren't you? Yes!
253
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,920
Nah, wasn't you.
254
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,160
Well, that shut me up.
255
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,760
And got me a bit drunk to boot!
256
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,560
Mike! Love the hair, very...Lego.
257
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,560
A Botox therapist's
visiting the gym this week.
I've got you the number.
258
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,280
No! No chemicals.
259
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,800
I'll just have to age gracefully.
Excuse me.
260
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,960
I'm sorry for interrupting you
when you're with your son. But...
261
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,040
..can I have your autograph,
Mr Orbison?
262
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,560
Gimme that number!
263
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,720
Nah. Weren't you either.
264
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,360
I'm so sorry, Mr Harrison.
265
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:59,560
I found a burglar on the balcony!
Look! Go away, burglar!
266
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,440
OK, woman who lives here.
267
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:03,520
I shall go.
268
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:08,720
And? And?
And I think you're a really
professional nutritionist.
269
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,320
Did you hear that, Mr Harrison?
270
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,960
Mr Harrison? He's gone!
271
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,480
Oh, no! Now I've really blown it!
272
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,480
My boss'll never let me...
273
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,440
Mr Harrison?
274
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,400
Are you all right?!
275
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,480
Do CPR! Do mouth-to-mouth!
276
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,520
Hit him with a lamp!
277
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,760
Michelle, he's dead.
278
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,480
Are you sure he's not just sleeping?
Fat people like to sleep.
279
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,960
Well, it seems as though they
like to stop breathing too.
280
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,600
But how?!
281
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,560
I was just here. Oh, no!
282
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,600
This isn't very professional. Now
they'll never let me work from home.
283
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,080
Should we call an ambulance?
284
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,080
What for?! He's dead!
285
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:55,400
Unless you want to keep him here as
a souvenir of this joyful time,
286
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,280
I suggest we call an ambulance.
287
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,520
Wake up! Ugh!
I can't have you die here!
288
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,520
Ugh!
289
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,120
What are you doing?!
290
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,000
He's dead, Dean.
291
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,080
He doesn't mind.
292
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,560
Whassup!
293
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,800
Who the hell are you?!
294
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,800
Get out of my home! It's me!
295
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,160
Mike! What have you done to you?
296
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,960
This is my new image.
297
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:34,680
You're not wearing any shoes.
298
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:34,680
Yeah, I had to lend them
to the kids on the estates.
299
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,280
My bloods.
300
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:41,760
They'll give them back,
once they've finished burning them.
Why are you mopping?
301
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,920
Oh, well, there's a spot on the floor
just there. And it won't come out.
302
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:52,000
I scrub and scrub and it won't
come out! OUT DAMN SPOT! OUT!
303
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,560
You need some Flash? Ooh, please.
304
00:16:54,560 --> 00:17:00,040
Hey! Who are you! What are you doing
in Michelle's flat? It's me!
Oh, Mike!
305
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:04,520
I thought an elderly gentleman
had wandered in off the streets.
306
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:04,520
Oh, good Lord!
307
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,560
Whoa! Moves fast for his age, innit?
308
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,680
Dean...will you stay with me, please?
309
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,680
Aw!
310
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,800
And clean my floor?
311
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:19,040
Michelle, you cannot blame yourself
for Mr Harrison's death.
Oh, I don't.
312
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,520
Just cos an overweight man
with heart problems
313
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:26,520
tells you he's feeling poorly and
314
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:26,520
you excite him with a porn show that
makes his heart explode...
315
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,720
..you can't blame yourself(!)
316
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,880
But, I don't. Hey, hey! I don't agree
with all the people who are saying,
317
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,600
"She may as well have shot him."
318
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,680
Look, I've been dealing with
Mr Harrison for two years.
319
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,400
No problems until he comes here,
320
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,400
into my lair.
321
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,760
And then BOOM. Well, not "boom",
more, "uhhhh", thud.
322
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,880
I am the Angel of Death!
323
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,200
I'm the Angel of Death
and food advice dude.
324
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,240
Yes, Mrs Harrison.
325
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,360
No, that would be no trouble at all.
326
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,880
Tonight is fine.
327
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:10,200
No! No, he landed quite softly,
so there's no damage to my floor.
328
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,760
All right. Thanks. Bye.
329
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,840
Oh! She wants to know what
his last words were.
330
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:21,640
How can I tell her that
when his last words were
331
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:21,640
"I'm feeling a bit poorly"?
332
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,840
Is there anything I can do?
Don't touch me!
333
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,400
I'm the Angel of Death!
334
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:29,240
I don't believe that.
Come on, you need a hug.
335
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,440
No! Stay away! Unclean! Unclean!
336
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,040
It would be worth it. Come on, let's
risk it like the crazy kids we are.
337
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,680
No, Grant. Stay away.
338
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,440
Look, what are you here for?
339
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,440
Well, I need your help.
340
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,600
Work are sending me for a full
medical, I can't believe it.
341
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,080
I have to fake an
illness or they'll sack me.
342
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,240
I'd lose the flat and I can't
go back to sleeping with Bampey.
343
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,840
I don't know what that
means but it sounds painful. It is.
344
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,400
Bampey doesn't cut his toenails.
345
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,560
Well, look I'm sorry,
Grant, I can't help you.
I can't mess up my job again.
346
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,720
Well, I can't mess up my job,
either!
347
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,640
I've wanted to be a solicitor,
ever since I was little.
348
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,680
I used to drag my desk out into
the playground in my little
pinstripe suit
349
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:15,080
and charge the
other children extortionate amounts
of Black Jacks for consultations.
350
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,080
Were you bullied? Quite badly.
351
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,760
Look, I'll do anything.
Please, help me.
352
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,560
Look, I can't tell you how to fake
an illness. It's not professional.
353
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,440
I've jeopardized my career enough
already by becoming
the Angel of Death.
354
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,480
The way I'm feeling now, I probably
wouldn't have to fake any more.
355
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,440
What do you mean? I mean...
356
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,720
"I'm feeling a bit poorly."
357
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,360
And how can we help you today?
358
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,800
Well, I have
359
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:48,880
bad memory, headaches, rapid heart,
poor concentration,
360
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,600
itchy eyes,
apathy, depression, insomnia, PMT,
361
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,600
frequent colds, hair loss, spots,
yeast overgrowth, pins and needles,
362
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,440
sore breasts,
I feel cold, I feel hot,
363
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:04,520
I crave foods which release
endorphins such as chocolate and...
364
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,720
wheat,
and I get terrible mood swings.
365
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,800
Anything else?
366
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:17,200
Yeah, actually, I've got a mole
I'd like you to have a look at.
367
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:17,200
Just here.
368
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,640
So, shaggy hair, tall, thin...
369
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,240
You don't think it was
Tina Turner, do you?
370
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,880
That's stupid. Of course it is.
371
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,760
Cos she's quite short, isn't she?
372
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:37,560
Look, Claire, I've got Mr Harrison's
widow coming round later
373
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:42,040
and I don't know what I'm going to
say to her, other than
"I am the Angel of Death.
374
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,120
"I take the souls of the living
and claim them for mine own.
375
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,040
"Fondant Fancy?"
376
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,640
Just tell her that he died talking
about her. That'll make her happy.
377
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,000
This is not about being
a good nutritionist.
378
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:57,000
It's about avoiding a
jail term for homicide. Think on.
379
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,040
No, you're wrong. Wrong or drunk?
380
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:08,320
That makes no sense. I know. Do what
381
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:08,320
you want. When you go to prison
for it, I'll visit you.
382
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,520
Because you'll be in the
cell next door. You wish, bad girl.
383
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,640
Hiya. Hiya. You look different.
384
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:27,440
And it's not just the Lego hair, or
the absence of broccoli. Are you
poorly?
385
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:32,760
Doctor's ringing with the results of
my medical today, so fingers crossed
I've got something horrible.
386
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:38,360
That's nice. Really? You don't look
too pleased for me. You're not
smiling or anything.
387
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,480
I can't.
388
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,040
Why not? And why do you look...
shiny?
389
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,760
I've had a procedure.
390
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,720
A non-invasive procedure.
391
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,880
By the tense look on your
face I'd say you'd had a
very invasive procedure.
392
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,040
You have my sympathies,
I had the same at my medical.
393
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,680
They really got their hands dirty.
394
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,600
Well, not their whole
hand just a finger.
395
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,720
I'm not that capacious. Hey!
396
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,960
So what did you say you had done
again?
397
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,160
It's not...Botox?!
398
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:12,520
It is, isn't it? I can't believe
you've had poison
injected into your head!
399
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,880
It's a very effective and
common practice. Look at yourself.
400
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,000
You're more Lego-like than ever!
401
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,400
Maybe so, but at least I look young.
402
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,440
You'd pass for mid-20s easily. What?
Aren't you glad?
403
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,760
I'm ecstatic!
404
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,280
MIKE LAUGHS
405
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,840
Shame on you
making fun of this little old man.
406
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,760
He fought for your freedom.
407
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,800
Mrs Harrison? It's Rachel.
408
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,000
Michelle. Do come in.
409
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,280
So, this is it, then?
410
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,680
Yes. Where did it happen? Just here.
411
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:14,640
Rachel...there's something you
should know about Mr Harrison.
412
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:18,600
His name was Peter.
He was a good man.
413
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,320
He was a good man. A fat man, yes.
414
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,560
That's what I'll remember
most of all. He touched me.
415
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,040
I mean, no, he didn't, I'd
have made a formal complaint but...
416
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,720
What were his last words?
Was he frightened?
417
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:38,880
No, no. His last words were,
"Tell Rachel I love her.
418
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:42,760
"And I'll be holding a seat
in the Burger King in the sky."
419
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,880
He hated Burger King.
420
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,520
Not the one in heaven.
421
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,880
Elvis serves there.
422
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,560
Did he mention Frankie? Yes, he did.
423
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,800
He said, "Give all my love to
Frankie.
424
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,480
"I'm sorry I'll never
see him become a man."
425
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,600
Frankie is our iguana.
426
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:07,800
Yes, but in some small way
Peter wanted him to be a man.
427
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:09,880
I think we can all
learn a lot from that.
428
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,760
Was he scared? At the end?
429
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:16,200
No. No. He seemed really...chuffed.
430
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,320
Chuffed?!
431
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,440
Er...but sad to be leaving you.
432
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,080
In fact, those were his exact words.
433
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:28,000
"I'm really glad to be going,
but I'll miss Rachel, she rocked."
434
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,120
That sounds just like him.
435
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,640
Oh, Peter.
436
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,600
I shall miss you, too.
437
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,960
Oh, Rachel.
438
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,880
I'm sorry I can't do this.
439
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,840
Your husband's last words were
"I'm feeling a bit poorly."
440
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,160
And then I left him,
to satisfy my carnal urges.
441
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,160
He died alone. Alone.
442
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:58,640
Look if it's any consolation,
which it can't be, but
I'm resigning tomorrow.
443
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:04,160
Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you find it
in your heart to forgive me, Rachel?
444
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,600
Rachel?
445
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,800
Oh, crap!
446
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,920
Guess who went down a
storm in Bar Salade tonight?
447
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,760
Oh, Mike, that's fantastic.
448
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,280
I'm so happy. All the
urbanites thought he was amazing -
449
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,760
cool and expressionless,
just like The Orb.
450
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:29,840
Mike, I need to talk to you.
451
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,000
It's you!
452
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,880
What? Tall, thin, shaggy hair!
453
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,440
I've found you at last!
454
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,360
I've missed your kisses.
455
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:48,080
Still the strong silent type, eh?
Ooh.
456
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,360
And what's that aftershave?
Smells of pine!
457
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,040
If you'll excuse us,
we have some reacquainting to do.
458
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:06,400
Mike, I wasn't going to tell you
459
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:06,400
this, but the police may phone later,
so I need you to be prepared.
460
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,840
Now don't get upset. What?
461
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,600
Two people
died here in as many days, Mike.
462
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,360
Right here, where I'm stood.
463
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,400
That's really scary.
464
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,200
They were young,
465
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:23,680
very young. They had their
whole lives ahead of them.
466
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,560
Mike, you're stony-faced about it,
that's really mature.
467
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:32,440
If I'd been told two people had died
not ten foot away from my bedroom,
468
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:32,440
I'd be terrified!
469
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,960
Uhhh!
470
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,040
I have cacked in my pants.
471
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,400
I'd think something stupid like,
they were going to haunt me,
472
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,920
come back as ghosts and drink my
blood and watch me having a wee.
473
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,920
MIKE WHIMPERS
474
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:52,360
But you, well done, Mike. It's nice
to see you've embraced adulthood.
475
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,040
HE WHIMPERS
476
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,680
Michelle! Guess what!
477
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,440
Oh, what, Grant?
It's been a long day.
478
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,760
I don't want to disturb. What's
happened? Did someone else die?
479
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:10,040
No, silly. It all turned out OK.
I went for my medical and...
480
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,960
well they found something, Michelle.
481
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,000
What? Oh, Grant not you too!
I truly am the Angel of Death!
482
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,800
No, it's not your fau...
483
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:25,400
Actually, seeing as you've already
Angel-of-Deathed me...
484
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,880
you may as well give me that hug.
485
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,960
Oh, come here!
486
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:35,920
I got a sick note so they
definitely can't fire me.
487
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:35,920
It would be unfair.
488
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,560
What's happened? What have you got?
489
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,320
It's not...? Worms! Huge ones!
490
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,400
I'm feeling a bit poorly.
491
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,200
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
492
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:57,400
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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