All language subtitles for Columbo (1968) - S05E03 - Identity Crisis (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]

What do you think?

I think she’s remarkable.

I’m talkin’ about the mugging.

You thought I was dead,
didn’t you?

Oh, yes. Until I heard of
the feats of Geronimo.

And I knew it had to be you.

Sir, I do have a murder
on my hands.

I’m painfully aware of that,
Lieutenant.

The man you know as Henderson
was one of my best operators.

That’s my wife’s
favorite piece of muSic.

I know.

You have my house bugged.

The bathroom door here, sir.

What’s that over there?

Uh, that’s the wet bar, sir.

Your key, Sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Have a nice day, Mr. Henderson.

Don’t worry about it, John.

Believe me.

All right, I’1l be seeing you.
Give my best to Sheila.

All right.
Yes... yes... yes. Bye-bye.

Yes?

Colorado is a river.

Geronimo is an Indian.

There is no beach...
like a long beach.

An amusement park.

When?

In two hours.

Ruth?

Yes?

4:30 Monday,
John Graham’s office.

Don’t let me forget, please.
Have a nice evening, all of you.

Oh, Mr. Brenner.

The speech for Mr. DeFonte.

DeFonte?
Is that tomorrow?

Ten o’clock in his office.

I must have mislaid
a day somewhere.

Can you come in at nine o’clock
in the morning?

Yes.

I’ll return after dinner this evening
and put it on tape and then...

you can have it and do it.

Once more.
I’1l be seeing you.

Bye.

Yeah, more privacy on a freeway.

Oh, I don’t know.

Wasn’t it you that said...

you should never have a clandestine
meeting in a clandestine place?

Besides which,
I’ve always had a certain...

perverse affection for
amusement parks.

By the way,
how is A.J. Henderson?

A. J. Henderson commutes
every day from Westport...

except when he has to go to
a regional office for a visit.

A very ordered life. It makes him
worth much more that way.

You thought I was dead,
didn’t you?

Oh, yes. Until I heard of
the feats of Geronimo.

And I knew it had to be you.

Why didn’t you contact me?

I have.

Three years, amigo.

One can’t be too careful.
Now, let me tell you about...

this little operation that
I’m involved in here.

You’1l tell me about the operation
in a minute.

First things first, Nelson.
Now as I remember...

we had a certain currency scheme
going on down there in banana-land.

300,000 cruzeiros,
as I recall.

Supposing I told you that I was broke?

Double agents don’t go broke.

They die sometimes,
but they don’t go broke.

Oh, come along now. That theory
about my being a double agent.

So you know there’s no fact in it.

The Agency doesn’t deal in facts.

Only rumors. And I have a lot more
than rumors, Nelson.

Do you?

Oh, come on. Relax.

The funds have been safely invested
in triple A bonds.

You’1l get your money back
plus interest.

When?

Ah, of course, I could write you
a personal check...

and then we’d both be tossed
into the Potomac.

I said ‘when’. I want cash.

And I’1l worry about the laundering.
I was afraid about that.

You’1l1 get the cash.
Yes?

Sir, I’ve just taken
your photograph.

Yes, and if you would like
a print of it...

please stop by the booth
on your way out.

I’1l have them ready for you.

Oh, really?
I can stop by anytime?

Anytime.

Well, in that case,
I’1l be seeing you.

Thank you so much.

How’s your eye these days?

Deadly, Nelson.
Deadly.

All right.

Let’s see if we can remember.

All right.

If you knock down the ten little
ducks, win a big giant panda.

Ladies and gentlemen,
knock down the ten little ducks...

win a big giant panda.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up.

Five out of ten wins a prize.

Ten out of ten wins a giant panda.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

We have two winners.

I usually lose two of these
in six months.

Two in the same day is
enough to break me.

You can keep mine, buddy.
I’m all heart.

Thank you, fella.

Five out of ten
wins you a prize...

I bet you were disappointed
when I showed up alive.

Oh, I’m not that greedy.

But the Tupamaro had you cold.

How do you do it?
How’d you get away?

From day one
I had two of their people on ice.

It was a matter of
a simple exchange.

Then the Director wanted to make it
look like I was dead.

Ah, yes. The Director.

A tricky fellow, our Director.

What’s this caper all about?

Now, this is a Naval code on microfilm
in the possession of...

a crafty old buzzard
by the name of Steinmetz.

He’1l require a series of meetings...

to make sure
that he’s not being set up.

Is he?

All we’re interested in
at the moment is the microfilm.

When and where?

Tonight, 11 o’clock.
Sinbad’s, Santa Monica Pier.

Do you remember the routine
that we used in La Paz in 1967?

Clickety-click.
The same one. Clickety-click.

Why all the jazz?

Oh... this is the way that
Mr. Steinmetz would like it.

This Steinmetz.
Is he an operator?

Well, shall we say that he’s an old
and crafty peddler and that’s all.

Excuse me a minute.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Do you like the name ‘Fred’?

Yeah.

You do?
Perhaps you prefer the name...

Archibald?

I don’t know any Archibalds.

You don’t know any Archibalds?

Well, this is Archibald
and now you know him.

And now he’s yours.
Would you like him?

Yeah.

You would?

All right.
He’s yours.

Thank you.

It’s my pleasure.
Nice talking to you.

This way.

-Bye.
-Good-bye.

You’11 be needing this.

What’s the price?

Whatever it takes.

What currency?

Dollars or lira.

And they want the drop site
where they decide.

I suggest, by the way,
that you don’t wear your gun.

That undercover I don’t go.

Uh, the contact may want to
frisk you.

Well, let him.

They know I’m an operator.
Or don’t they?

Well, they do, but they don’t know
your name or...

anything else about you.

Why didn’t you use
one of your men out here?

There’s too much money involved.

Besides, our Director doesn’t want
Mr. Steinmetz tracing back to me.

Then you are setting him up?

Perhaps.
But not at this time.

I’1l take care of
the photo stand for you...

and, uh, I’1l be in touch.

Have a nice evening.

Yes, sir.
What’s your poison, pal?

I’1l have a...
vodka on the rocks.

Vodka on the rocks.

Want a twist in that?

No. That’s fine.

That’s one-fifty.

Pretty, huh?

Hey. The machine doesn’t work.
No cigarettes and no money back.

It actin’ up again?
How much you lose?

Sixty cents.

No sweat, buddy.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You got somethin’ to show me?

Okay.

The price is
350 grand.

325.
I want something for myself.

I’1l1 tell the man 300.
Then we’ II both get healthy.

Well, it’s nice
doin’ business with you.

It’s in gold.

Zurich prices
the day of the drop.

I’m gonna have to
get back to you on that.

Look, the man wants gold.

You got anything else for me?

No.

Steinmetz is gonna have to
come up with...

two frames of that microfilm
blown up.

We’re gonna have to verify.

I understand, but the old man
don’t show you nothin’...

without a down payment in gold.

I’ve already told you,
I don’t know about that.

Mr. Steinmetz does.

I’1l meet you here tomorrow.

Now that we’ve met,
let’s make it earlier.

Six o’clock.

Good enough.

Geronimo!

How was it?

There’re slight problems.
Nothing important.

Slight problem?
Is he safely gone?

Yeah. He’s safely gone.

Oh, really?

He wants the pay off in gold.

The price of gold
in Zurich an....

What are you doing down here?

Just...

taking the air.

11-8-8 clear.
12-8-15 roger.

11-8-7 clear.

1-8-13 clear.

Good evening, Lieutenant.
Welcome to Muggers’ Haven.

Excuse me.

Photographer... photographer.
You think you got enough?

Step over to the side
for a moment.

How you doin’, Anderson?

Okay, Lieutenant.

All right, fellas.
Give it to me for a minute.

I’1l give it back to you.

Just step over to the side.
Everyone out.

Not you, Anderson.

How you been, Cliff?

Pretty good, Lieutenant.

What d’ya got?

It looks like a mugging.

That’s the third one they’ve found
around here in the last six months.

How long has he been dead?

Two hours tops.

He was hit twice
with a blunt instrument.

Once here and the second blow
was here at the base of the skull.

Which one came first?

Can’t you tell?

I can’t tell, sir.

Lying on his back.

That’s the way we found him.

This one came first.

Kramer got his Polaroids?

Yeah.

What’s that, Lieutenant?

Poker chip, broken.

You can find just about anything
on this beach, mostly beer cans.

What’s his name?

There’s no I.D., no wallet, nothin’.
The mugger cleaned him out.

Except for a pack of unopened
Cigarettes and a book of matches.

What matches?

Sinbad’s.

Sinbad’ s?

Yeah. It’s a club up on the pier.
Sergeant Kramer’s already up there.

“Love from Alice’.

Is that his coat?

Yeah.

You take it off?

No. That’s where it was
when we got here.

Kramer’s in Sinbad’s?

Yeah.

How do you get there?

Go to the parking lot.

There’s a staircase.
You take it up.

Walk down the pier
and you’1l run right into it.

Take it easy, Cliff.

Carry on, fellas!

Lieutenant?

The bartender here’s an ex-cop.

She’s an interesting dancer.

I... I showed him the photos.
He thinks he knows the guy.

Do you mind?
I’d like you to meet him.

Lieutenant?

Louie, the bartender.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Hi, Lieutenant.

He’s the ex-cop?

You’re an ex-cop?

Yeah. My old lady didn’t like
the hours I kept so....

Here I am till 2 o’clock
in the morning in this joint.

Hey, you guys want a drink?

No, thanks.

No, thank you very much.

Lieutenant, Louie says the victim was
in here around 11 o’clock.

Good.

Do you know him?

Who?

The victim.

Never saw him before.

He came in here, had a couple of
drinks, then he left.

Oh, wait a minute.

He got his money stuck
in that cigarette machine over there.

I gave him back his coins and he
got his cigarettes and he took off.

Who?

The victim.

That checks.
They found a full pack on him.

Oh, wait a minute. There was
another guy sittin’ right here.

A young black guy with a leather
jacket and turtleneck sweater.

When your dead man walked outta
here, he got up and followed him out.

Are you sure, Louie?

Sure, I’m sure.
He left a whole drink here.

He didn’t even touch it.
A fresh drink.

Hey, I notice things like that.

I guess it’s my ex-cop
training, huh?

Lieutenant, are you listening?

Yes. I’m listening.

Who was he?
Do you know who he was?

Who who was?

The guy with the leather jacket
that followed the victim out.

But I could make him
if he’s in the files.

Good. Stop by downtown tomorrow.
Have a look.

Be glad to.
Hey, be like old home week, huh?

You guys finished with me?

Did the, uh, two guys...
did they talk to one another?

Well, one was sittin’ right
where you’re sittin’.

The other was over there
where the beer pumps are.

I don’t think so.

I’m finished.

I’m finished.

Thank you.

What do you think?

I think she’s remarkable.

I’m talkin’ about the mugging.

You’re doing just fine.
Just keep up what you’re doing.

You’re gonna find out
how the guy got to the beach.

You’re gonna check out the cabs.
Just keep up what you’re doin’.

You coming?

You notice her eyes?

Her eyes?

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

She’s shy.

Moving right along...

here are the news headlines
at 7 a.m. on the button.

The situation in the Mideast
remains tense.

There’s another strike brewing
in New York...

among the municipal workers
this time.

In Washington the Senate Finance
Committee 1s recommending...

an across-the-board tax cut.

Locally, the new district attorney
has firmed uo his staff appointments.

On the sports scene...

the Chinese have announced they are
pulling out of the Olympics.

The Dodgers and the Angels were
both losers last night.

Details on these and other stories
coming uo after this message.

Speech for Mr. DeFonte...

to be delivered before
the Commodity Brokers’...

Luncheon.

First of all, I’d like to thank...

the officers of your association
for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday...

I was crushing the grapes
in my father’s vineyard...

I dropped the fare at the pier
about 10:40.

It’s definitely this guy
in this photo.

And I collected him here.

Thanks.

Thank you.

First of all, I’d like to thank...

the officers of your association
for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday...

I was crushing the grapes
in my father’s vineyard.

If you don’t believe me,
I‘ll show you the bottom of my feet.

One foot still has a Cabernet stain
and the other a Chablis.

These guys with law degrees...

they give you all kinds of
fancy titles.

Get a load of the latest one,
I’m 4a president....

Good day. I’ m really sorry
to have kept you waiting.

That’s all right.
We just thought that we’d uh....

Just a minute.

Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Hang on a minute.

I had to make a stop.

My secretary said this was urgent.
Please have a seat.

You told him?

Didn’t get a chance to tell him.

A member of your company was
killed last night, sir.

What?

We’re referring to
Mr. A.J. Henderson out of New York.

Henderson?

You know him?

Why, yes... but I didn’t know he was
in town. What happened?

He was murdered.

Murdered?

We’re gonna need
an official identification.

What’s his name?

This is not A.J. Henderson.

The bellboy at the hotel is positive.
This is the one.

Excuse me.
This is our man.

What does your man do?

Well, we have offices
all over the world.

Mr. Henderson’s chief function...

is to periodically check
the various branches...

be sure we’re all
operating efficiently.

He is not ours.

Sorry to have troubled you, sir.

Lieutenant,
I’d like an explanation.

So would he.

This is really weird, Lieutenant.

Tell me somethin’.
How did you get to this guy?

Have you ever been in the lobby
of the Biltmore Hotel?

It’s like Grand Central Station.

Now, I gotta go in there.
I gotta find the desk clerk, right?

Yeah. You gotta find a clerk
in Grand Central Station.

Now, don’t be like that, huh?
Gimme a break.

Just gimme a minute to explain.

Yeah. All right.
I got a minute. Go ahead.

So I gotta go in.
So I find him. I find him.

Now, I gotta show him
a photo of our guy.

Does he know him?
Does he remember him?

The guy laughs.

Yeah. So he laughs.

Does he remember him?
Shakes his head.

So now I gotta find
the other clerks.

I gotta find the bell captain
and the bell hops.

So finally I find a guy who remembers
walkin’ him to his room.

Now I know it’s Henderson.

Now, I gotta go back to the desk.

Because down at the desk
I gotta get his registration card.

Do you know what he uses
as a business reference?

The Winston Advertising Agency.

That’s right. Now the guy’s
gotta be nuts to do that.

Maybe he’s smarter than we think.
I don’t know.

Did you check his room?

Yeah. Just some clothes.

He signed in about four o’clock.

You told me he took a cab
to the beach at 10 p.m.

What did he do between
4 and 102

This much I can tell you.

He came down and he asked
the desk clerk...

how long it would take to get to the
Pike Long Beach Amusement Park.

Take a break.
Gimme the photo.

What was that again?

What was what again?

The fish... the pike...?

The Pike’s Long Beach
Amusement Park.

Excuse me, ma’am.
Just one word.

Uh, have you ever seen
this man before?

No.

Are you sure?

Positive.

He was in the park
yesterday afternoon.

I’ m positive.
I haven’t seen him.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up.

Only 35 cents.
Win yourself a big prize.

Five out of ten wins you a prize,
ten out of ten wins you a giant....

Yesterday, there was a fella here
in the amusement park.

I wanna see whether you remember
him. This is his picture.

Boy, he...
he looks dead, don’t he?

How could I ever forget him?

He and his friend. They beat me
out of two 20-dollar pandas.

But now this guy... he was all right.
He gave it back.

Is that it up there?

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you have to do
to win one of them things?

Knock down
the ducks ten out of ten.

Yeah, my wife’ d go for that.

Oh, no sir, Lieutenant.
Hey... hey, you’re a pro.

Oh, forget about it.

If I’m standin’ on a dock,
I couldn’t hit the water.

The man that was with him...

if you saw him again,
would you know him?

Oh, yeah. I think so.

Well, if he comes by,
you give me a call.

Yeah. Yeah.
I’d be glad to.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up.

Only 35 cents.
Win yourself a big prize.

Five out of ten wins a prize...

Would you care for one, sir?

Yes, I would.

Well, step right over here and
Sit down right in that chair.

And look right into the camera.

Uh, does she take a picture of
everybody that comes through here?

Look straight ahead, sir.
That... right into the... that’s it.

Smile.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, Sir.

Uh, this’1l take about 90 seconds
and I’1l have a pin-up button for you.

Yeah. Well, we take what we can,
but we can’t, uh, cover everybody.

Uh... we do pretty good.

All right.
Now, you’re doin’ this.

That takes about 90 seconds.

What’s she doin’?

Well, it’s a Polaroid system, sir.

I mean, uh, it’s a one shot deal.
What’s the interest?

Well, here’s my interest.
What do you call yourself?

Don.

All right now, Don. You take a
Polaroid like you just did of me.

The lady, she does somethin’ else.

Well, that’s a Polaroid system, too.

You see, she just makes a print
and holds the negative.

Now, you can order up
a print right now...

or you can order up
an enlargement.

What does she do with ’em?

Hey, look at that.
Isn’t that great?

That’s terrific.

Can I talk with the lady?

Joyce!

Listen, this Is a fellow
from the police department.

He wants to talk to you.

Take him over to the shop
and I’ll, uh, cover for you.

Okay.

Would you like a photo?
Right this way.

Joyce. That’s it, huh?

Joyce.

All right.

Here. These are ready to be
developed and then, uh, filed. Okay?

I’m gonna show you somethin’.

It’s a picture of a dead man
so just take it easy.

Sure is, isn’t he?

Do you recognize him?

No. No.

He was in the park yesterday.
Do you remember taking his picture?

Gee, I take so many pictures.

All right.
Let me check over something.

You take as many pictures
as you can. Right?

That’s right.

And you hand out cards.
Right?

Uh huh.

And you take
people’s names, right?

That’s right.

And they can order a print
immediately or they can come back...

or they can write for
an enlargement.

That’s right.

Now, what about the ones
that you don’t sell?

Well, I keep them about a week
and then I get rid of them.

So you got a lot left over
from yesterday?

Yeah, I do.

May I see ‘em?

Sure. Come on in the back.
I’1l show you what’s left.

It’s an old man, men, family,
a couple of girls, an old man....

-That’s it.
-That’s it.

That’s all the unsold photographs
from yesterday?

That’s the works.

There’s not another pile?

No.

And he’s not in there?

No.

You’re sure?

Quite sure.

What about the photographs
that you didn’t sell?

What about them?

Don’t they have a negative?

You want to see the negatives?

I do.

I’m gonna get you the negatives.

Negatives....

You know, you can’t really see
faces on the negatives.

I mean, when you hold them up
you can’t make them out.

I think you’1l have to have them
printed up.

Do you have a magnifying glass?

It’s over there.

You know, I might not even have
taken his picture.

I mean, just because he was here,
he may not have come by.

And maybe he bought it
so maybe I don’t even have it.

I thought you said
that he wasn’t here.

He’s not.

Who is this?

That’s a fat lady.

Who is that behind the fat lady?

It’s your friend.

I’m not gonna say anything.

Shows you what a little
perseverance can do.

Now, wait a minute.

Just a second.

Let’s not rush.

Standing next to the guy
behind the fat lady...

is a piece of a guy
in a blue jacket.

They could be together.

Now, let’s see if we can find
a bigger piece of the guy...

who is standing next to my guy
who is behind the fat lady.

Look through these photographs.

How you doin’?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What...

what do you think about that?

Same color.

My goodness.
You’ve done it.

That’s him.

That’s the both of ’em.
They’re together.

Hey, you know what?

Yesterday this...
this new guy here...

he bought both the print
and the negative from me.

I remember because he gave me
20 bucks for ‘em.

Can you blow this up?

This extra demand for
extra supply...

is gonna make a proper marriage
in this, uh, market place.

You worry about the Chinese.

I tell you
don’t worry about the Chinese.

You know why?

Because they can pull out of
the Olympics...

but they can’t
pull out of soybeans!

I tell you this.

They gonna be our big buyers.

I guarantee you!

Now, you know what it’s like
from the growers’ side of things.

You’ve got the wrong room.

Mr. Brenner?

Yes. You have the wrong room.

Your secretary said that
I could find you here.

My name is Columbo.

I’m sorry to bother you, sir.
This is very important.

Do you know an A.J. Henderson
from New York?

No, I don’t.
You have the wrong room, sir.

I had this blown up.
You might want to take a look at it.

That was taken last night
in an amusement park in Long Beach.

Absolutely marvelous.

You’ve done it again,
my good friend.

That Mustache Pete dialog
always gets everybody.

Uh, you gonna
come to the table, eh?

I’1l be with you in a moment.
I’1l see you all a little later, huh?

All right.
But don’t you stay too long, okay?

Step over here a minute,
will you please?

Take a seat.

According to witnesses...

you were seen with Mr. Henderson
yesterday afternoon.

I didn’t quite catch your name.

Uh, Lieutenant Columbo,
Los Angeles Police Department.

I’m sorry for the deception.

Not knowing who you were,
and since I intended to pirate...

Mr. Henderson away
from his firm to my firm...

I naturally denied knowing him.

Until what time, sir,
were you with Mr. Henderson?

Oh, I suppose I left him, uh...
between 5:30 and 6.

Something of that nature.

Do you have any idea...

what Mr.Henderson’s plans were
after he left you?

Not at all. I had imagined that
he was going back to the hotel...

to have a.... Oh, yes!

Yes, he did say that he was going to
take a drive out to the beach...

to see it at night.

Never seen it before.
An East Coast man.

Apparently that’s just
what he did, Sir.

He was found murdered there
last night...

in a place called Muggers’ Haven.

Muggers’ Haven?

Yes, Sir.

That’s quite extraordinary.

Uh, forgive me, please.

The... the strangest thing is
one of the reasons I gave him...

for moving out here away from
New York that the crime rate was...

not quite so high.
Isn’t that bizarre?

That is ironic.

Do you have any suspects?

Uh, yes, sir, we do.
But we don’t know who he is yet.

Someone who appeared to
follow him out...

of a nightclub out there
at the beach.

How did you contact me
so quickly?

Oh, that’s a long story, sir.

But when I got the photograph...

someone at the firm where
Mr. Henderson worked identified you.

They said you were
a very famous consultant.

And they also said, Sir...

that the A.J. Henderson
that works for their firm...

is alive and living in
Westport, Connecticut...

and doing business
out of New York.

They must be mistaken.

No, sir, I’ m not.

You mean to suggest that the
Henderson that I met with yesterday...

was not with
Winston Advertising?

That’s right, sir.

I don’t understand.

Initially, you see, he called me
from New York and, uh...

evinced an interest in working
for my firm.

And I said “Yes, surely, of course.
We’1l see about it.’

Meanwhile, I checked him out...

found, in fact, that he was
an able accounting executive...

and said next time he was over here
we’d meet and we did and, uh...

and that... that was yesterday.

He must’ve been
impersonating him.

Impersonating? Why?

I don’t know.

Did you hire him?

Too late now, isn’t it?

I was going to. I... I liked him.
I thought... most impressed by him.

Too late now. Dead.

It’s all very sad.
And it’s puzzling, isn’t it?

Well, it certainly is to me, sir.

I can’t make head nor tail
of this whole thing.

You’1l have to excuse me.
I have... I have things to do here.

You’1l appreciate we all have to do
our little bits from time to time.

Uh, if I can help you
in any way whatsoever...

please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Now that you know where I am.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

Good day, sir.

Good afternoon, sir.

-Nelson.
-Good to see you again.

And you.

Would you care for
some coffee or...?

I didn’t fly out from Washington
to have coffee, Nelson.

What happened here?

Oh, you mean Geronimo?

Yes, dammit, Geronimo!

Well, it was all set, uh...

a meeting was arranged for him
with a representative of Steinmetz...

and the next thing I knew
he was dead.

Do you think Steinmetz did it?

Oh, most unlikely.

We’1l have to have someone
pay him a visit.

Well, I wouldn’t advise that, sir,
even if you could find him.

You see,
he still has the microfilm and...

after all, that is our
primary objective, is it not?

Yes, you're right.

As far as I can tell,
it was a simple mugging.

Of all the ways
to lose a top operator....

It’s unbelievable!

We’re running late, sir.

I’m, uh, I’m sorry about this, sir.

Yes... well, I had to be in
Mexico City this afternoon anyway.

You know a Lieutenant Columbo?

Oh, yes indeed.
Uh, he’s a local homicide officer.

He discovered
that I was with Geronimo...

a few hours before he was killed.

He’s running a check on you.

Uh, that’s understandable.

But I made the excuse that I was
trying to get him to join my firm.

Place him under surveillance.

Very well.

We don’t want any locals
finding out about our operations.

All right, sir.
Have a good trip.

Right.

-Bye, Nelson.
-Bye.

Change my itinerary.

I’1l be coming back here
from Mexico City.

Yes, Sir.

That’s him.
That’s the guy.

Melville.

Is that his name?

Well, that’s the guy that followed
your man out of the bar.

You’re sure?

Sure I’m sure.

-Melville?
-Melville.

Well, that’s the guy.

Lawrence Melville?

Yeah. I’m Melville.

Lieutenant Columbo, L.A.P.D.

Sure. I was havin’ a drink
at Sinbad’s.

But I don’t know no A.J. Henderson.

The bartender said
you followed him out.

He’s mistaken, man.

Come down to headquarters
tomorrow. We’ II talk about it then.

Okay. I’ II be there.

Good afternoon, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo,
what an unexpected pleasure.

I know it’s Sunday.
I was in the neighborhood.

This is quite a place you have here
and remote.

I had a hard time finding it.

How did you get in?

Oh, the gate, it was open.
I just drove in.

Oh, did you? Excuse me.

I have to leave you for a moment.
I’1l see you a little later.

Eli.

Uh, would you care for a drink,
Lieutenant?

Thank you very much.

But I could use one of those.

Help yourself.

Thank you very much.

I’m really sorry
to bust in on you like this.

But I’m sure you’1l understand.

I’m just a policeman and
wherever the line takes me...

that’s where I have to go.

I have the, uh, same problem myself
from time to time.

Thank you very much, Eli.

Um, shall we move away from
the madding crowd and, uh...

talk in a little more
peace and quiet?

I think I explained
my one little deception to you.

As far as I can see,
there’s nothing else to tell.

Uh, not quite, sir.

You still haven’t told me where you
were when Mr. Henderson was killed.

Oh, I... I see what you’re after now.
Well, let me see if I can tell you.

I returned to my office
that evening.

I wrote down and dictated the, uh,
the speech for DeFonte.

You remember the one. You, uh,
you were there. You heard it.

Uh, you can check
with my secretary, if you like.

Her name’s Ruth.

Lieutenant...

I think that I should warn you that
I am not an unworldly man.

And I have powerful and important
friends, even in the police department.

I respectfully request...

that you do not...

harass me.

Why, sir, I would never do that.

I know.
I understand your problem.

But you must understand mine.
It’s a very bizarre situation.

Uh, because of a misplaced confidence
in a man that I knew as Henderson...

I find myself in this, uh,
ridiculous predicament with you.

Oh, and it’s all
very understandable, sir.

As a matter of fact...

I have a lead on that suspect
that I mentioned.

Do you?

Do you know
a Lawrence Melville?

No, I don’t.

And this time
I’m not lying to you.

He’s black, 28...

and been arrested
and convicted for assault.

Do you know whether or not
Henderson knew Melville?

I didn’t know Melville.
I hardly knew Henderson, as a....

As a matter of fact,
I didn’t know Henderson at all.

Uh, do muggers usually know
their victims?

No, sir, at least
not on a personal basis.

But I have a hunch
that Melville isn’t a mugger.

Now... now you’re confusing me,
Lieutenant.

Well, you see, sir, Henderson was
hit once... right here.

Then when he went down, the assailant
hit him again on the back of the neck...

right here at the base of the skull.

Mr. Henderson
must have known him.

Otherwise, how did he get hit
from the front?

Couldn’t the mugger have asked him
for his valuables, and, uh...

when he was refused
then hit him from the front?

Oh, it could’ve happened that way.
No doubt about it.

Well, isn’t it true there was no
identification on Henderson’s person?

Right. Nothing at all.

And isn’t it logical then to assume
that the mugger took, uh...

the victim’s cash and credit cards?

Oh, they were removed all right.

Then why are you making more
out of it than that?

His coat was off.

His coat was off?

Yes.

That’s it?

That’s it.

Sir, for the life of me,
I cannot figure out...

why would a mugger take off
a victim’s coat...

unless he was gonna remove
something other than...

cash or credit cards.

Well, not being a mugger,
I’m afraid I can’t help you there.

Tell me...

how did you first come upon
this Melville as a suspect?

He was seen at Sinbad’s
following Henderson out.

It seems as though
you’ve got a pretty tight case.

No, too many loose ends.

If I bring this into the D.A.,
he’d shoot me right down.

I better run along, sir.

I’m sorry to have
interrupted your Sunday.

Not at all.

I’ve enjoyed speaking to you,
once again.

I’ll, um... see you to your car.

This will be your car?

Yes, Sir. There’re only
three like it in the country.

Interesting model.
Allow me.

Just between us, sir.

Somebody’s following me.

Now, who would be
following a cop?

Well, that’s what
I’m tryin’ to figure out.

It can’t be the collection company.
The car’s paid for.

Take care.

Hello.

This is Steinmetz.

I received your message.

Two miles north of the small grocery
store in Topanga Canyon...

make a left...

400 yards...

10:30 tonight.

Be sure you’re not followed.

You are here.

Oh, Mr. Steinmetz.
You... you scared the hell out of me!

Come, my car. Come.

Be careful.
Always be careful.

Careful?
This is spooky.

Why are we meetin’
way out here in the boondocks?

Here... here.

You go in front.

Now wait, wait.

When first you work for me,
I tell you explicit.

This is very serious business
you are in.

I know.

And you laid down
some heavy bread to back it up.

But if I’da known
it was gonna be this serious...

I’da stayed in the street.

Of what do you talk?

I’m talkin’ about heat...

from some heavy little dude
named Columbo.

And I’ m talkin’ about
that government man...

you put me
next to that’s now dead.

I am aware of this.

And you’re also aware it’s my head
that’s on the choppin’ block?

When you are in the business of
buying and selling information...

on the international market...

you will have to have sometimes...

a little heat.

Well, listen. They got enough
on me now to put me away!

Did you kill him?

No, I didn’t kill him.

I did what you told me to do,
that’s all!

Then you have nothing
to worry about.

Well, how’d the man die,
Mr. Steinmetz?

I don’t know. I do not know.
It was not a part of my venture.

What happens now?

Well, we have to reestablish contact
with the other people.

What do I tell the cop?

Nothing.... Nothing!

Well, they asked me about if...
if I know a man named Brenner.

That is good.
That means they have a suspect.

You just relax.

Well, okay. That’s all I wanted.
Just a little down home reassurance.

You take this key to this car
and take this car tonight.

This car? What for?

This is a cover car for
another member of my organization.

It has to be at Sixth
and Alvarado by midnight tonight.

Well, what about my car?

Your car will be at your home
by the time you return.

You sure are strange, Mr. Steinmetz.

It’s a strange world.

From now,
you will be paid week by week.

Now you’re talking.
Are we still using the same drop site?

Until I tell you that
we are going to change it.

Take care of that car.
It’s my pride and joy.

Sixth and Alvarado,
here I come!

You should’ve talked to us.

I should’ve talked to somebody.

But I didn’t do nothin’ wrong.
No, sir.

How... how’s this?

No, no. He looked a lot older
than that. He had a... a big nose...

Where did you say you met
this Steinmetz, again?

In... In a bar. In a... Look at....
Listen, he had a mustache.

In a bar?

He laid some bread down.
He knew everythin’ about me.

My record....

And you don’t know
how to get in touch with him?

Look, like I told you
we had this drop site.

It’s like a mail box where
we leave messages and...

we just exchanged ‘em.
That’s all.

No, looky here.

You got to put the glasses and
then take this off all over here.

Take it off... this top here, and
get this mustache right.

And, wait a minute here,
it’s like... like a goatee on there.

What about the credit cards
in the glove compartment?

They belong to Henderson.

Look, I’m telling you.
I don’t know nothin’ about that.

I swear to you, it’s like I told
that Lieutenant Columbo.

I didn’t touch that man.

We just talked about this microfilm.
That’s all.

That’s all we did, honest.

Hey, how’s this?
This okay?

Yeah. That’s Mr. Steinmetz.

Now you’re gettin’
close to him, you just....

All you got to do is just make him
a little older...

get a little tighter under here.
His just... nose was just bigger...

glasses off the....
You got him, though.

Well, I can’t absolutely verify that
Mr. Brenner came back that night...

and wrote his speech. But that’s
what he said he was going to do.

And you found the tape
Sitting on your desk...

when you came in
the following morning?

Right. At nine o’clock.

I typed it up and gave it to
Mr. Brenner shortly before 10...

when he rushed in, picked it up
and went off to his meeting...

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Brenner.

Morning, Ruth.

Good morning, sir.

This way, Mr. Columbo.

No calls for 5 minutes.

What the hell are you doing here?

Mr. Brenner,
you told me yourself...

that I should check
with your secretary.

That’s what I’m doing.

That was before your suspect
turned up with Henderson’s credit cards.

How do you know that, sir?

I told you already, Lieutenant.

I have friends
in the police department.

I have friends across the country,
all over the world.

I also know...

that your suspect has accused a man
named Steinmetz of trying to kill him.

Your information is
very good, Sir.

We don’t believe that
Steinmetz wanted him dead.

You don’t?

The officer from
the bomb squad told us that...

if you wanted a man dead...

you’d use a lot more
plastic explosives in the car...

than what we found.

And you would put it in the engine,
rather than into the driver’s door.

I fail to understand you.
You have suspects all over the place.

You have Melville,
you have Steinmetz...

and yet you still insist on
Suspecting me.

Yes, sir, I do feel you are involved.
I have to admit that.

Did anyone see me on the pier?
The answer is no.

Do I know Melville?
Again the answer is negative.

I could go on and on, but I suggest
that we leave it where it is.

Your secretary doesn’t provide
an alibi at all, sir.

You simply told her that
you were coming back here.

Can you prove that you
actually did come back?

As you well know, these offices
are empty in the evening.

And I don’t need to prove it.
Neither do I require an alibi.

If you have an accusation to make...

do it.

No accusation.

In that event, good morning.

And, Lieutenant, let me assure you
that you are delving into areas...

over which you have no authority.

For the last time, I ask you...

don’t harass me.

Colorado calling the Director.

Now entering Travel Town, out.

Here you are, honey.

Thank you.

How goes it, Lieutenant?

I can’t complain, Arthur.
How’s by you?

Don’t ask.
How’s your dog?

He’s swimming.

Is this charred enough for you,
Lieutenant?

Ah, that’s perfect.

Where’s he swimming?

Well, a fella down the block
built a pool...

so he goes over there
in the mornings.

Leave me his address, Lieutenant.

I wanna join him!

Art, it’s just a normal sized pool.
It’s not a lake.

Two hot dogs.

Hey, you know you’re pretty?

-Did you know that?
-No.

Sure you are.

You know it, huh?

Ah, I don’t blame you.

Is that your sister?

You’re pretty, too.

Thank you.

-You guys got a dog?
-Yeah.

You know where my dog is?

No.

He’s swimmin’.
He goes swimmin’ every morning.

I didn’t know that a dog swims.

Oh, he can swim.

He can swim just like a fish.

You know what his name is?

What?

Dog.

Just plain old dog?

Yeah. That’s what I call him.
Just dog.

Nothing else.

Let’s take a walk.

See you later.

This way.

Inside.

Come in.

Watch your step.

I hope you don’t mind.

I don’t carry a gun, Sir.

It’s not a gun we’re looking for.

I know you’ve seen that.

Yes, Sir.
What is it that he is looking for?

A bug.

I don’t have any bugs, sir.

Now, you don’t mind
if I satisfy myself in that regard.

No, sir.

Now, I want you to look at this.

I want you to pay strict attention.

You’re the head man?

Yes.

It’s only on rare occasions...

I take a local law enforcement
officer into my confidence...

only when the situation
absolutely warrants it.

Whatever it is, Sir,
I won’t breathe a word.

Good. Now, it seems in your
investigation of a homicide...

you’ve stumbled upon one of my most
valued counter-intelligence men.

I have?

He is, in fact, in charge of
the West Coast Region.

A lot of sensitive,
highly important information...

from the Pacific and South America
funnels through him.

I had no idea.

I realize that.
It’s why I’m here.

Nelson Brenner’s cover is
deep and foolproof.

All the more reason to emphasize the
confidentiality of our conversation.

Nelson Brenner?

Well...

that certainly explains
a great many strange things.

I thought it would.

Hey, can we come up, please?

Let’s walk.

Whatever inconsistencies
bother you, Lieutenant...

come as a direct result of Brenner
trying to protect the Agency.

It’s fantastic.

I hope you understand.

I ran a check on this man.
I sent it to Washington.

Yes, I know.

I got it right here in my pocket.

You’d never know
this man was a spy.

Operator.

Operator?

Operator. Spy’s old hat.
They’re referred to as operators.

What do you fellas do?
Do you fabricate this stuff here?

Pleased to have met you,
Lieutenant.

Likewise, sir.

One more thing, sir.
It will only take a moment.

Are you familiar with a man
named Steinmetz?

Forget about him.

Uh, but you do know him?

Yes. Forget about him.

Sir, I do have a murder on my hands.

I’m painfully aware of that,
Lieutenant.

The man you know as Henderson
was one of my best operators.

But, you see, sir, uh,
this Mr.Steinmetz, in my judgement...

is somehow implicated here
and I can’t find a trace of him.

Neither can we.

And we’ve been after him
a lot longer than you have.

But we’ll get him
one of these days.

Uh, one more thing, sir.
Un, do your operators carry a gun?

They do.

What’1l it be, sir?

Uh, give me two.

Two gallons, sir?

No. Two dollars, please.

Wait a minute!

All right.

All right. Go ahead.

What’1l it be?

Uh, gas.
Just regular gas.

Make it three.

Make it three and a quarter.

Three forty-five,
three fifty-five.

Oh, Jesus.

Want me to wipe
your windshield, sir?

No, that’s all right. Don’t bother.
I can see through it.

Just keep it rollin’.
Keep it rollin’.

All right.

Forty.... What’s up there now?

Four thirty-seven.

Four thirty-seven.... Two... two fifty...
two seventy... two eighty...

three ten....

Stop it. Stop it.

Ah... I have three eighty....
What do I have now?

The gentleman over there thinks
you could use this, sir.

Gentleman over where?

Over here, Sir.

I just met the Director.
The head man.

Yes, I know.

You know already?

I knew before.

You knew it
before that I met him?

I knew it before that
you were going to meet him.

Geez, the way you guys operate.
It’s fantastic.

We could use a couple of guys
like you down in the department.

All the lies are explained now.

Yes, sir.
I guess they are.

It’s a weight off my mind, too.

In fact, I’m going to take
the rest of the day off.

Why don’t you join me up at my house
for a cocktail or something...

and we can discuss old times.
You rather fascinate me.

Oh, that’s
very, very nice of you, sir.

But I still got
a couple of things I gotta do.

Sir, we have other customers.

I gotta check back down
at the station.

Those guys are always buggin’ me.

You know what I mean.

I know.

Wait a minute! Sir!
I still got this 10 dollars!

Come in, please.

Your coat, Sir.

Mr. Brenner will be here
in a moment.

Mr. Columbo to see you, sir.

Right away, sir.

I’m uh, terribly sorry
to keep you waiting.

I’m having dinner
for a few friends this evening.

I was just checking the menu
with the chef.

Oh, that’s all right, sir.
That’s no problem.

Here’s your 10 dollars.

And then afterwards
we’re having a little piano recital.

Please come in. I’ve ordered
some hors d’oeuvres for you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you, sir.

This is quite
a place to be comfortable.

But I do want to clear up
this 10 dollars, sir.

That’s why I’m here.

I can spare it, you know.

Oh, I know you can, Sir.

It’s just that I like to keep
my accounts up to date.

Well, maybe I don’t...

but my wife likes to
keep everything straight.

You know what I mean.

Is that an original painting, sir?

Oh, yes.
Nearly everything here is original.

That was done
in Austria, 1761.

‘The Discovery of America’.

‘The Discovery of America’.
Is it all in there?

Nearly.

Isn’t that fantastic!
Look at that.

‘The Discovery of America’.

I think I’m just gonna leave this
10 dollars here on the table, sir.

That way it’s out of my hands.

Oh, relax. Relax.
Take a minute.

Try one of these.
Try a few of them, in fact.

All right, sir.
Thank you, Sir.

This looks good.
May I, sir?

Please.

What would you like
in the way of libation?

Oh, nothing when I’m on duty.

But you’re finished for the day,
aren’t you?

Well, nearly, sir.
Do you have any wine?

Cellar full.

Just a glass.

What kind would you like?

Oh... red.

A little music?

That’s quite a music box
you got there, sir.

That must’ve set you back
a few dollars.

A few. Do you like music?

Well, I hear it all the time.

My wife is crazy about music.

Really? Classical?

Yeah... Beethoven,
what’s his name...

the guy that wrote
“Marriage of Figaro’.

Mozart.

That fella.

She likes rock music, too.

When the nieces are around
it’s on the air all the time.

A lot of rock.

How about this?

That’s Puccini. That’s....
No, that’s, uh...

‘Madame Butterfly’!

Yes.

That’s, uh, that’s my wife’s
favorite piece of music!

I know.

You know?

You have my house bugged.

I know.

But since the Director met with you,
I’ve had it removed.

Just I’m glad my wife didn’t know
about that.

Tuning.

Boy, that’s some system
you got there, sir.

Quadraphonic.

Gee, I wish my wife
could hear it like this.

Well, it, uh, it helps to calm
the nerves you know.

Are you nervous, sir?

Oh, yes.
We all need our little...

antidotes, and I happen to know
one of yours.

And what would that be, sir?

A cigar.

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

I have some very special ones
in my den.

Would you care to
sample them with me?

We can take this with us.

Just through here.

And, um, here are the little darlings.
Do you have a cutter?

A what, sir?

A cigar cutter.

No, I don’t carry them.

Well, in that case,
do you mind if I do it for you?

Not at all, sir.
You have all the experience.

You like to play games, sir?

Yes.

I know this one, backgammon.
I’ve seen that before.

And I know poker.

Do you mind?

Go ahead.

What’s this?

Mah-jong.

What?

Mah... jong.

You play all these games
for money, sir?

Yes, indeed.

Do you like to gamble, sir?

What else is there?

Your cigar.

The matches are over here.

How do you find the cigar?

Real class, sir.
Cuban?

The Bay of Pigs wasn’t
a total disaster.

Here we are.

See how you like it.

Happy days.

Who is that lady there
in that picture?

That one,
the... the Princess of Thailand.

My goodness.

And look at these, sir.

The medals you won.
You did well in the war.

Reasonably well.

Look at those medals.
Where was that, sir?

Korea.

My goodness.
What is this?

That you wouldn’t be able
to understand.

It’s in Latin.

A little gift from
the University of Bavaria.

‘Distinguished Achievement Award’...

‘University of the State of New York’,
‘Trustees Columbia University’...

‘Certificate for Service’...

driving a racing car.
Quite a life, sir.

I find it dull.

Quite a life.

What kind of a plane is that, sir?

That?
Uh... that’s the 1-33...

Silverstar.

Oh, yeah.

And that’s you standing
right beside it?

Yes. I seem to remember
reading about that.

It was quite famous during the war,
wasn’t it?

The best known trainer of the period.

Well, you’re a hero, sir.

And you have power.

And you live
in a magnificent house.

You’re a hero.

The languages you speak....
How can you say your life is dull?

Mah-jong.

What time do you have, sir?

6:45.

Oh, I have to run.
I almost forgot, sir.

I’m taking my wife out to dinner.

Forgive me.

You’ve been very gracious.

I’1l get your coat.

It’s been a fantastic day, sir.

Oh, yes, indeed.
May I help you with your coat?

Thank you.

I appreciate the 10 dollars.

I’1l tell ya...

I hope I never run into
that kind of a fix again.

Safe journey.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This is a sketch
that we worked up on Steinmetz.

Melville says that
this is a reasonable facsimile.

Steinmetz....

So this is Steinmetz?

You’ve never seen him before?

No.... No.
I have never seen him.

If this is not
a breach of security, sir...

could you tell me
how you made contact?

By telephone
or through a representative of his.

I see. “Cause I’ve checked
every Steinmetz in the city...

and so far, I haven’t been able to
find anyone...

who even comes close to
this description.

Well, by now, Lieutenant,
you should know that...

no one in our business
is ever who he says he is.

Of course.
I should’ve known that myself.

By the way, may I have a... a copy of that
for our leader, the Director?

Why don’t you take this one, sir?
I have another copy for myself.

Be seeing you.

I hope so, sir.

Have a nice evening.
My best to your lady.

I think Mr. Brenner came to see me
around 10 o’clock.

Mr. DeFonte, do you have
a copy of your speech?

Of course. My secretary
Should have one.

Wait.

Della! The commodity speech of
last week... uh, we have a copy?

Yes, sir, it’s in the files.

Would you mind bringing one in,
please? Thank you.

Columbo.

These are our grapes.
We are proud of them.

Have some.

Isn’t that unusual...

to get a speech just a half hour
before you’re gonna deliver it?

No... no, no.
Because I read it twice, uh...

it make an impression in my mind,
like this.

You know, me sometimes
I forget my own telephone number.

Ah, thank you, Della.
Very nice. Very nice.

Let me see, this the speech....

Suppose you want it rewritten?

There’s no time.

Rewritten? For what?

Nelson, he writes a speech,
says just what I want to say, that’s all.

Then he adds a touch of
spaghetti humor, you know?

And everything’s all right.
Oh, he’s brilliant, Columbo.

Brilliant man! Very.

Is it possible that I take this?

Go ahead. I have a copy,
you know.

Thank you very much.

Is it possible
to have a few more grapes?

Grapes? Is it possible you ask?
Look at that....

Oh, come on! Come on! It’s such a
pleasure to talk to a paisano.

Listen, you be sure to call me, huh?
We’1l have lunch together, all right?

Ciao.

Let’s get back to earth.

I’m a simple farmer
in the Imperial Valley.

It just happens to be
400 miles wide, that’s all.

My papa, from whom I learned
the business...

told me years ago
when I started out...

“Salvatore, to be successful,
you gotta know two things...”

‘who buys and who sells your crop.
And the weather’.

Well, we got the water down
in our valley.

That takes care of the weather.

Come sta?

Bene, grazie.

This 1s important.

Your secretary was kind enough
to provide this tape.

Of course,
I have a warrant for it.

You told a lot of lies, sir.

Of course, most of ’em can be
explained...

in your capacity as a spy.
But not the big one.

Not your whereabouts
at the time of the murder.

What strikes you about this picture?

The T-33 Silverstar.

I see that you visited with me again
in my absence.

I have a warrant for that, too, Sir.

You have a warrant for everything.

What strikes you
about that picture?

I was younger
and more beautiful then.

Not that it was taken
15 years ago in Korea?

Not the fact that, at that time...

your hairline is receding.

How stupid of me.

What strikes me, sir,
looking at you now 15 years later...

is that you now
have a healthy crop of hair.

Luxuriant. I wear a piece.
A hair piece.

That’s what I told the art guy
down at headquarters.

I said, ‘Figure this fella to be bald’.

And working
on that assumption, sir...

he took an air brush
and he removed all your hair.

This is the same picture.

Removed all of it?

Yes.

And then he put on a wig...

and he added a mustache
and a beard and some glasses.

Ah! Steinmetz.

Oh, our dear old friend,
Mr. Steinmetz.

That’s marvelous.
Very clever fellows you’ve got.

It’s really wonderful.

I want you to hear the tape.

Yes. I’1l hear it.
By all means, go ahead.

It’s terrific.

Pay strict attention
to the early part.

Speech for Mr. DeFonte...

to be delivered before the
Commodity Broker’s Luncheon.

Right here.

That sound.

That sound, sir, is the closing
of Venetian blinds.

That’s the sound.

So I closed the blinds.
What’s so special about that?

That direction is east.

Please don’t give me a lesson
in geography.

At five minutes past six
the sun came up.

An hour or so later,
give or take a few moments...

the sun angles into the building
in this direction...

and it hits right here at your desk.

You came in
the following morning, sir...

to finish your speech.
And you sat down...

and when you started to dictate
the early morning sun got in your eyes.

And you then arose,
went to the window...

and closed the blinds.

Let me see....
I closed the blinds for privacy.

But you’re on the third floor, sir.

Why would you require privacy?

Oh, there are other buildings
in the neighborhood.

Higher buildings.

But they’re all office buildings, sir.
There’s no one in them at night.

But this is an office building.
I was in it at night.

Why should not other people
be in their offices?

Why don’t you play the tape.
Carry on from there...

and you will see that,
in fact, it had to be night.

Any particular section, sir?

Right on, from there.

Now, you listen very carefully.

First of all, I’d like to thank
the officers of your association...

for inviting me here.

It seems like only yesterday...

I was crushing the grapes
in my father’s vineyard.

If you don’t believe me,
I‘ll show you the bottom of my feet.

One foot still has a Cabernet...

There! There!
Did you hear that?

Yes, sir. I heard it.

You heard the chimes?

I did.

Did you count them?

Yes, sir. There are 11.

Eleven. So it had to be
11 o’clock at night.

It could not have been
11 o’clock in the morning.

You can check with my secretary.

No, sir.
It couldn’t have been at night.

It couldn’t have been night.

.-- feel about over-production,
but it’s gonna be all right.

There’s a food shortage
all over the world.

It had to be morning, sir.

Look at Southeast Asia.

They need our crops more than ever...

how because of the tragic events
there in the past 10 years.

This extra demand for our extra supply...

Is gonna make for a proper marriage
in the market place.

And 1f you’re worried
about the Chinese... don’t be.

They may pull out of the Olympics...

but not out of the soybeans.

You’ve lost me again,
Mr. Columbo.

I did some checking... newspapers,
wire services, TV news rooms.

I checked everywhere. And I ended up
calling the Peking News Bureau.

Did you?

And at 6:20 a.m. on the morning
of the DeFonte speech...

6 hours and 20 minutes
past midnight...

7 hours and 20 minutes
past the time...

that you claim
that you were writing this speech...

and to the shock of the world, the
Chinese pulled out of the Olympics.

Did they?

You couldn’t have written that
speech the night before.

There’s no way in the world.
It hadn’t happened yet.

What made you stay on it?
Was it the, uh, was it the coat?

Yes, sir. I couldn’t figure out
why it was removed.

You see, I know that a mugger...

can take a guy’s money
without taking off his coat.

And then it occurred to me that
Mr. Henderson was a secret agent...

and that secret agents wear a gun.

Shoulder holsters.

And that Mr. Henderson...

Had one.

Was a secret agent?

He was.

And you couldn’t afford to have
that fact known.

So, in order to remove
his shoulder holster...

you had to remove the coat.

Why didn’t you put it back on again?

Oh, I was going to.
But apart from muggers on the beach...

Mr. Columbo,
they also have loving couples.

And I was interrupted
at the scene of the crime.

Would you like to hear
something funny?

I’d love to.

Today, the Chinese...
they changed their minds.

Did they, again?

They’re back in the games.

In the games.

Mah-jong.

Mah-jong.