All language subtitles for Taskmaster NZ S05E03 1080p WEB-DL AAC 2 0 H264.ENG

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- Hello.

- Hey.

- Two.

- (GRUNTS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- Come on!

- (GRUNTS)

- (WHOOPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- That's for the haters.

- (GRUNTS)

- Clink, clink.

- Chicken Little.
- Cheep.

- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)

(KEYS CLACK)

Oh!

- (SHOUTS)

- Yaargh!

- He he he he!

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Nau mai piki mai,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

Thanks for joining us tonight,
unless you're somehow watching
this illegally,

in which case, I'd like to say,
you're very naughty, and I hope
you like jail,

because that's exactly
where you're going.
(LAUGHTER)

To the rest of you, though ―
my name is Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Joining me on the stage tonight
are four of Aotearoa's top
thousand comedians.

(LAUGHTER)

They are Abby Howells...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Ben Hurley...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Hayley Sproull...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Tom Sainsbury.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And as you may know, Tofiga Fepulea'I
cannot be with us in the studio this
season,

so in his place, we're being haunted
by ghosts from Taskmasters past.

And standing in tonight, ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's an honour.
It's an honour to be back.

- Next to me, as always,
keeping track of the scores

and adding them all up like a big
calculator made of human meat, it's
my trusty assistant Paul Williams!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'm... not wearing a wire.

(LAUGHTER)

- That makes me think that you are
wearing a wire. Why did you say that?

- Well, I say it cos I'm not wearing
a wire; that's why I say it.

- Paul, we can literally see it.
Like, it's right there.
(LAUGHTER)

In fact, we're all wearing them.
It's how we're being heard right
now.

- OK, but this one's wireless.
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, right.
What's this week's prize task?

- Tonight, we have asked
our contestants to bring in

the best thing that
you are confident that Jeremy
has never owned in his life.

- Potentially very risky
for our contestants, this one.

Hayley.
- Ya.

- What have you brought in?

- I've taken a stab in the dark
here, because I don't know you
that well, Jeremy,

so I have brought in something I
assume you haven't owned, which
is a My First Period kit.

You've got Women's Day, Woman's Day,
Women's Weekly and Woman magazine.

Cos you are now a woman.

There's pads;
there's tampons; there's some
fresh period undies in there;

there's just everything you
would need for your first period.

And I'm assuming you haven't
owned one of these before.

- No, but I do have
a 14-year-old daughter.

- Well, you could,
um, share it with her.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt, you are representing
Tofiga tonight.
- Yeah.

- What have you brought in?

- Well, I also don't know
you that well, Jeremy...
(LAUGHTER)

...but you strike me as a sort of
pampered kind of individual, so...
- Wow.

- ...what I've brought in is
something that you will never
have experienced,

and it's normal, cheap,
low-thread count bed linen.

- Oh!
- TOM: Wow.

- That's not linen; that's polyester.
I can smell it from here.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah.
- Get it off the― Get if off the
screen. I don't even wanna see it.

I don't wanna see it. Let's move on.

Tom.
- OK, having broken into
your house, I know...

I know that you've already got
the Wellington Beehive version,

and you've already got the Uluru
version, but have you got the...

Sydney Opera House puzzle?
- HAYLEY: What?!

Do you like puzzles?
- I hate puzzles.
- No!

- Don't you like having fun?
(LAUGHTER)

- There is nothing fun about doing a
puzzle. I mean, there's the picture.
There it is there.

It's been done before.
We know it exists.

I can honestly say I have never once
done a puzzle. I've never picked up a
piece to even do a puzzle.

- Have you ever got
your staff to do it?
(LAUGHTER)

- I do a lot of puzzles.
(LAUGHTER)

- Abby.
- Yes.

- What did you bring in?

- I made you a bullet journal.
I made it 'Jeremy's Journal ―
Top Secret'.

And I've decorated it.

On the next page,
just gratitude. You know,
'Today I'm grateful for...'

And then on the next page,
nice moments. You know?

For example, 'Being given this
journal by my new friend Abby.'
(LAUGHTER)

So...
- HAYLEY: That's beautiful.

- It is beautiful.
It's very thoughtful.
- Thank you, Jeremy.

I put it together. I sat at
my coffee table, and I said,

'I think he's gonna like this,
Abby,' and my mum thinks so too.
(LAUGHTER)

I think she said,
'It's lovely, Abby.'

- Ben.

- You know, people might think of
you as being a sort of button-down,
you know, clean-cut highachiever.

But I know for a fact you were
kicked out of a number of high
schools. Isn't that correct?

- One high school, thanks, Ben.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, I was head boy
of my high school.

- Were you?
- I was ― of Hawera High School.

Just calm down. It just meant
I didn't impregnate anybody.
(LAUGHTER)

- They give you a badge.
- They give you...

They give you a plaque, Jeremy,
and there it is there.

I was head boy of
Hawera High School 1997.

I guarantee you don't
have a head boy plaque.
(LAUGHTER)

- They give you a plaque?
- Yeah.

- Like you might forget that
you were head boy or something.

- I will never forget that.
(LAUGHTER)

- Is head boy still in your CV?
- I mean, Tom...

I don't have a CV.
(LAUGHTER)

People just sorta know.
(LAUGHTER)

- All right.
How am I gonna score this?

- Have you had any
of these items before?

- I have had terrible linen,
so I kind of feel like, Matt,
you may come in for one point there.

- Oh...
- HAYLEY: Tough, mate.

- I have also had gratitude
journals in the past, Abby,
which means two for you.

Ben, I don't like a gloater,
so three for you.
(LAUGHTER)

- That's more than I was expecting;
I'll be honest.

- Four for you, Hayley.

And there is no way I've ever had a
puzzle anywhere near me. Five points
for Tom.

- Yes!
- Well done, Tom.
- HAYLEY: Well done.

- Yus!

- OK, Paul, shall we
get down to business?

- If you like marshmallows,
just buy some at the shop ― they're
not expensive ― and just eat them.

Anyway, enjoy this task.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Can't see him.

Oh, he's there. (LAUGHS)

- Oh, it's a tiny little one.
So cute.

- Fun little task you got there.

- So I put these on, I'm gonna
guess. Oh, yeah, cos this is tiny.

- I've actually got really good
vision. I don't even really need
these.

- I still can't see it.
If you can read it, that'll help.

- READS: 'Throw a marshmallow
over the wall...'

- '...and catch it in your mouth.'

- 'You must wear zoom googles...'
That's these, right?
- Mm-hm.

- '...the whole time.'

- 'Fewest attempts wins.'

- 'You have until you catch
a marshmallow in your mouth.'

- WHISPERS: 'Your time starts now.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- CHUCKLES: Oh my gosh.

- How do I do that? How do I throw
it over the wall and catch it in my
own mouth?

- Well, that's... that's the task.
That's what you've gotta figure out.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right,
let's see some hilariously
inaccurate marshmallow tossing.

- This time,
it's women and children last.

First up, it's the fellas Ben,
Tofiga and Tom.

- OK. Here we go.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

Too far.
- Leave it.

- (SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, too far again.
- Don't even think about it.

- Silly.

(LAUGHS)

- (GASPS)

- I reckon I can just
run it down the wall.

Oh! Oh! Oh, it hit my mouth!

- Oi, oi, oi.

- (GRUNTS)

- Oh, no, that was so close!

- Come on, Paul.
Gotta hype me up, brother.
- OK. Sorry. You can do this.

- Oh man, that's... That's too hype.

- Come on.
You might be able to do this.

- (GRUNTS)

I got it!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's in.

- Oh!

Five.

- Was it five?
- One, two, three, four,

five.

- (SIGHS)
- Thank you, Tom.
- Thank you.

- Peace!

- Thank you, Tofiga.
- Want a marshmallow?
- Yes, please.

- Ey!

My man!

Yeah!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Ben and Tom,
how did that wall taste?

- Mm, bricky?
(LAUGHTER)

- It definitely wasn't bricky.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it tasted like crayons.

- You guys managed to get
the marshmallows in your mouth,

but Tofiga was the only person
who managed to do it without
looking like a complete numpty.

- Yeah. Well, he didn't raise
his head or open his mouth for
the first five.

(LAUGHTER)

So he looked cool for a while. The
first time he actually opened his
mouth and looked up―

went straight in.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, I thought his method was way
off, but it looked really good when
it happened.

- It looked so cool.
- So much better than us, Tom.
- TOM: Yeah.

- We're just a couple
of wall lickers.
(LAUGHTER)

- Tom ― 20 attempts.
- Dammit.

- Tofiga ― 19 attempts.

Ben ― only seven attempts.
- Mm.
- HAYLEY: Oh my God.

- Yes.
- That's good, right?
It's like golf.

- Yes.
- Yeah, OK.

- If you'd like
to try this one at home,

why not punch a big hole through a
wall in your house and give it a go?
You have the length of one ad break.

Back soon with more Taskmaster.
Ka kite akuanei.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Nau mai, hoki mai.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Paul, I believe we were mid-task
before we were so rudely interrupted.
- That's right.

Our contestants were tasked
with throwing a marshmallow over a
wall and catching it in their mouth

all while wearing
a pair of zoom googles.

Up next ― her hair is the same
colour as 50% of marshmallows.
It's Hayley Sproull.

- Oh, for God's sake, Paul.
My arm's just too short.
I want, like, a little pincer.

- There might be
tongs in the kitchen.

- Can you take me? Could you...?
- OK.

- Don't you fall,
cos that'd be a real mess.

OK.

Have you ever looked
after an old woman?
- No.

- You'd be quite good, Paul.
You've got a gentle way.
- Thank you.

- Jeepers creepers.

Aah!

Ohh!

Uh!

Uh! Oh no.

That was my worst one yet.
- Yeah.

- I need to create some
sort of funnel system, I think.

Yeah, great.

OK. I think this is good.

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(GRUNTS, LAUGHS)

Yay!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Very good.
- TOM: Great.

- Yeah. I think there was some
real Kiwi ingenuity on display there.

But you're probably,
say, pushing the boundaries of what
you would say the word 'catch'...

- I caught it. You― You―

We saw me catch it.

- You caught it with a funnel.
It just felt a bit droppy to me.

- It was not droppy;
it was throwy-catchy.

Also, my agent is gonna be talking
to production about that shot.
You've done me dirty there.

Go crazy, internet.
Make the memes. Uhhhh! All that.
(LAUGHTER)

- I would say Ben and Tom
are staying quite quiet in
this discussion.

- Aren't they?
- There was quite a vertical drop
from their throws as well.

- I think― We've gotta go to ads,
I think. Shall we go to―
- No, we just came back froman ad.

- Whereas my team
was quite clearly...
- Yeah.

- No one's debating that
Tofiga did a great job.
- No. No doubt about it.

Let's just come back to this in a
second, cos I can't help but notice
that we've left one personto last.

- She's a queen, and she's
generating a lot of buzz.

It's A-bee.
(LAUGHTER)

- I reckon I'm gonna
do it right away.

(LAUGHTER)

OK. I'm gonna look
at the task again.
- OK.

- (CHUCKLES)
There's gotta be another way.

'Throw a marshmallow over the wall
and catch it in your mouth.'

Doesn't necessarily
say at the same time.

If I throw a marshmallow over
the wall and then catch it in
my mouth...

still kinda doing it.

Incoming. (CHUCKLES) Mrrrrrrm.

(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

Nice. Part one done.

Now catch it in my mouth.

(SIGHS) OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Right. That was a bust, Paul.
I'm coming back for another one.

Throw it over the wall.

Catch it in my mouth.

OK, that was a bust as well, Paul.

(CHUCKLES) Throw it over the wall.

Catch it in my mouth.

OK, that was a bust too.

Throw it over the wall.

Catch... it in my mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

Goddamnit.

(SIGHS)

Mustn't get stressed, Abby.
No one's dying.

OK. (LAUGHS WRETCHEDLY)

Way-oh. Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

- I think this is
the first time on Taskmaster

that someone's ever found
a loophole that's actually made
it harder to complete the task.

- It truly did not occur to me
to put my hand through the hole.

- Paul passed you
the task through the hole.

- Oh... My whole life, it's like,
don't put your hand in holes.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, how many times did it
take Abby to actually get―?
- So, nine times.

- OK.
- Yeah.

- You see, I feel like the task was
really to throw it over and catch it
in the same kind of action.

And so I'm going to disqualify Abby.
(GASPING)

- But these guys were
dropping as well, were they?

- They were all dropping, so,
unfortunately, you all get no points.
(EXCLAIMING)

And Tofiga gets five points.
- Team Tofiga! Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Unbelievable.

- OK, Paul.
So, how's the scoreboard looking?

- On six points in the lead,
it's Tofiga.

- All right. Let's barrel
on to another task, I reckon.
- It's time for the old switcheroo.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi.
- Hello, Ben.

- Hi.
- Hello, Tom.

Hello, Tofiga.
- Ooh. Hey, mate.

- Mm.

Lamps.

- Let there be light.

- You like lamps?
- I love lamp.

- READS: 'Turn on a lamp in the lab.'

- 'You must be seated at the desk in
the study when the lamp turns on.'

- 'Fastest wins.' (CHUCKLES)

- 'You have one hour maximum.
Your time starts now.'

- Oh, yeah, there we go.

- Salt lamp. Positive ions.

- Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?

(CLICK!)

(CLICK!)

(CLICK!)

- And this one, I have to use that.

- Auto.
(CLICK!)

- Auto.

(STOMPS)

- GRUFFLY: Woof. Woof.

- Can I turn on the lamp sexually?

- Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

- Abby, how do you arouse a lamp?

- They're already pretty hard;
that's right.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, shall we see how everyone went?

- The starting initials
of these comedians are TBA.

OK, I'll announce them now.
They're 'T', 'B' and 'A'.
It's Tom, Ben and Abby.

- I'm gonna try turn on this one.

- Just based on...
- Vibe.

- Boo. OK.

That's― This is―
That's my guy. Right.

- I need, like, a pulley system.

- I need to make a sound
down there while sitting here.

- Like, if I got some string.

- I could pull something,
and I could make a noise!

- Nice.

- This looks pretty loud.

- So what's the plan?

- I'm just gonna sit up there
and pull the string, and it's gonna
pull this over, make a loud noise,

and that's gonna go on.

(FUN MUSIC)

- CHUCKLES: See if it works.

- Here goes nothing.

WHISPERS: Come on.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh no! It broke! Oh no!

- (GRUNTS)

- OK, I need the rope.

- Turns out the yarn's no good.

- How are we doing over there? Uh...

Yeah, I feel like...

this should work.

- We'll give this one a go.
- OK.

- Why won't that―? What's happening?

(THUNK!)

Come on!

- I'm gonna glue it to the table.
- OK.

- STRAINS: Oh my God!

- I'm just gonna go and give it a go.

- Ouch! It's giving me rope burn!

(CLICK!)

(CLICK!)

(CRASH!)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

Yes!

- Oh!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah!

- (GASPS)

- I've stopped the clock.
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)

(APPLAUSE)

- Well done.

- What was quite interesting was
watching the difference between

Tom pulling his piece of yarn like a
young schoolboy pulling on a piece of
wool,

and then you pulling it, and you
looked like you were reeling in
a marlin.

- His yarn was actually digging into
a bit of wall quite hard (CHUCKLES)
and has damaged thehouse.

- Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- I don't think people appreciate―
So, there's, like, multiple
stairwells, right,

so you have to kind of hook
it around a whole lot of stuff to
kind of get the pulley system going.

But I don't know.
I guess I was just... lucky.

- It only required
a gentle touch, Ben.

- It's not my way, Jeremy.
Bull at a gate is how they call me.

- He can't help but be an alpha.
- HAYLEY: Yeah.

- So...
- LAUGHS: Oh, wow.

I hated that.

- Abby, you went with the glue.
- Yeah. Um...

I'm also thankful that― I spent,
I would say, a really significant
amount of time

trying to turn on the lamp sexually,
and I'm glad they didn't show it.
(LAUGHTER)

- She did write a letter, quite a
saucy letter to one of the lamps.

- Yeah. The lamp left me on 'read',
unfortunately. Alas.

- Overall, 28 minutes and 57
seconds for Abby.

Ben ― 25 minutes and one second.
- Whew.

- And Tom ― a mere nine minutes
and 45 seconds.
(EXCLAIMING, APPLAUSE)

- TOM: Yes!

- Have we got time for one more?
- We sure do, Jeremy.

And if a light bulb went off above
his head every time he had a good
idea,

this guy's power bill would be
through the roof. It's Tofiga.

- I must be seated at
the deskinthe study.

Bring the desk down here, mate.

- So you want us to bring the desk―
- Bring the desk.
- ...down?

- Yep, and the seat.

- You'll be seated at
the desk that's in the study,
but the desk will be here.

- Yeah.

- OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- (SNAPS FINGERS)

This light's cool, eh?

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

- (GRUNTS)

(SCRAPING)

- Need a hand, Paul?
- It's OK.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

- Tell me when.

- Ready.

(CLICK!)

- Esa.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Paul.

- Shall I take the desk back up,
then?

- Uh, yeah, if you could do that,
please, mate.
- OK.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh my God.

- Matt.
- Mm.

- You gotta say that I think
he found quite a good loophole.
- Yeah, um, work smarter not harder.

- Yeah.
- I mean, where did it say
that you had to be in the study?

- The wording was
'at the desk in the study'.

- I think I can say that
we will accept Tofiga's efforts.
- Yes.

- And I think he'll
be judged on his time.
(LAUGHTER)

And I'm sure his time
was incredibly fast.

- Well, the desk was quite heavy.
(LAUGHTER)

So, 28 minutes and 28 seconds.

- Well, that's on you.
He can't be blamed for
the laziness of his staff.

- Honestly, 28... If you knew how
hard it was to move that desk...
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, Team Tofiga, we appreciate
that. We appreciate your service.

- We've just seen four comedians'
approach to turning on a lamp, so
what on Earth has the other one done?

We'll find out after the break.
See you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back
to Taskmaster, New Zealand's most
cutting-edge TV show.

Tonight, we're watching
people turn on lamps.

- Yes, but this
isn't your grandmother's
lamp turning-on TV show.

- All right, Paul. Let's see
how our last contestant went.

- Like I'm greeting a friend
who's first name is Lee and
surname is Sproull,

Hey, Lee Sproull.
(LAUGHTER)

- I'm gonna go with this guy,
I think. (SNAPS FINGERS)

OK, I need to time something loud.
- OK.

- You're gonna have
to be so quiet, Paul.
- OK.

(CLICK!)

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

EXHALES: OK.

WHISPERS: How will I know?

LOUDLY: Did it happen, Paul?

- Y-You told me not to make noise.

- Did it not turn on?
- No.

- Did the jug boil?
- Yeah.

- (GRUNTS)

OK, I'm gonna try again. (BLOWS)

(SNAPS FINGERS)
It's not a candle, Hayley.

(SIGHS) Bastard.

It's not a candle. (LAUGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHTER)

Did it work?
- Yes.

- When I was upstairs?
- No.

- When?
- You were on the stairs.

- I think the jug boiled
too quickly cos it was... hot.

SOFTLY: If I call out your name,
call back to me.

- I'm just scared that my― my voice
might, um, activate the light.

- That's the point.
That's not a rule that can't happen.

(COMICAL MUSIC)

SHOUTS: Paul!

Is it on?

- I thought you called me.
- No! I... (LAUGHS)

Just say 'yes'.

SHOUTS: Paul, if you can hear me,
say, 'I hear you.'

- Yes, I can hear you.

- WHISPERS: OK.

So, what is it that
you're not understanding?

- What do you mean?
- So, did you hear me call 'Paul'?
- Uh, not well.

- Right. But you heard it.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

You― I'll say, (LOUDLY) 'Paul!'
- Hello.

- Yeah. But wait till I'm upstairs,
and then you're gonna go, 'Yeeess!'

- SOFTLY: Yeeeess!

- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- The jug only just ended.

Are you gonna boil the jug?
- (SIGHS) OK, Paul,
I'm abandoning the jug.

- You didn't give the jug a chance.
- I gave it three chances.

- I don't think so.
You came down befo―
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

SHOUTS: Paul!

- SOFTLY: Yeeess.

- How loud did you...?

- Loud.
- Show― Example for me.

- SOFTLY: Yeeess.
- That's― Pau... (LAUGHS)

- I think the jug is a good idea.
- (SIGHS)

OK. Are you ready?
- Yeah.

- I require nothing of you
any more, Paul.
- OK.

(CLICK!)
- (SIGHS, SNAPS FINGERS)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

(CLICK!)

Did it work?
- Yeah.

- OK. Do you want a cup of tea?
- Um...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- That just about killed me.
(LAUGHTER)
- Just about killedyou?

- Yeah. How many times
did Hayley yell at you?
- Uh... 19.

(LAUGHTER)

- But, then, basically,
Paul was telling you 'use the jug'.
- I know.

- The jug was working well for you.
- It wasn't, but I thought― I was―
I was like, it's takingtoo long.

And you may see me going like
this the whole time. The room was
getting so hot with the jugsteam.

And I was running up and down the
stairs, then making that room hot.

It was just hot, so I was like,
let's just use a human.

- Should we talk timings?
- Yes. So, Hayley ―
19 minutes and 56 seconds.

- OK.
- So, one point for Abby,
two points for Tofiga,

three points for Ben, four
points for Hayley, and the winner
with five points ― Tom Sainsbury.

- What? I never win anything.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Would you do me the honour
of bringing me another task,
please, Paul?

- If you hate spoilers and
you'd like to run to the bathroom

or go and get some popcorn or a
choc top, this next task is the
time to do it.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Abby.

- You right, Paul?
- Hello, Tofiga.

- Ooh.

- What have we got here?

Oh, OK.

OK, we've got genres here.

- Give it a nice, firm spin.

Courtroom drama.

- Fantasy.

- Martial arts.

- (GASPS)

Sci-fi.
I would've kinda hoped for war.

- (LAUGHS)

- Do I have to
make a 15-minute short film
that's a sword-and-sandal?

- READS: 'Film a trailer for
a movie about this trailer...'

- This trailer?
- Yeah.

- '...in the style
of your given genre.'

- 'Best trailer trailer wins.'

- 'You have 45 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

- It has to be about the trailer.
- Yeah, the trailer has to
feature prominently, I think.

- Does it have to be a trailer?
- You can use this any way you want.

- Cos I could turn
it into a space ship.

- It's sort of a military grey,
isn't it?

Yeah, I think it's, uh― this is,
like, a military courtroom drama.

- I don't know what
kind of fantasy to go about.

Fantasy as in, like, elves,
or fantasy as in the stuff
that I... think about.

(APPLAUSE)

- Abby, your mind has
gone straight to war.

- Yes. I'd be lying if I said
I didn't enjoy military strategy.
(LAUGHTER)

- What?

- It makes sense. It's like
a puzzle, except people die.
(LAUGHTER)

- Whose trailer are
we gonna see first?

- Up first with his martial arts
trailer trailer, it's Tofiga.

- What are you doing here?
- I live here.

- In this trailer?
- Uh-huh.

- Why don't your family love you?
- I'm nobody. And I'll―
I'll always be nobody.

- Well, I'm gonna
make you into somebody.

Inhale.

Out-hale.

(LAUGHTER)

- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

- Nobody, it's all in the balance.

- (PANTS)

- You can do it.

- (PANTS)

(EXHALES)
- And now your final challenge ―
to defeat the trailer.

Yaah.

Amazing.

Whoa.

Speed.

Oh, that hurt. Whoa.

Whoa.

Nobody,

are you ready?

- I'm ready.

- Nobody, you are now somebody.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Whoa.
- HAYLEY: Wow.

- I love a training
montage when the main piece of
advice is 'inhale, out-hale.'

- Oh, it's a beautiful mantra.
- Sometimes you just gotta
remember to breath. You know?

- Why did you choose
to kick the trailer so weakly?

- Uh... Well, monthly
didn't seem like enough kicks.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. Well, that's enough terrible
short films made by amateurs for now.

It's time to
watch some terrible short films
made by professionals ― the ads.

We'll see you after these.
(APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Tena tatou katoa. Hello,
and welcome back to Taskmaster, the
show where comedians go head-to-head

in the hopes of winning a souvenir
from Ben Hurley's glory days.

Paul, what are we doing here?

- Our contestants have been tasked
with making a trailer featuring a
trailer

in their randomly selected genre.

- Who's up next, Paul?
- It's Ben and his trailer
for a courtroom drama.

- BEN: 'In a world of war...'

Direct your fire at zee trailer!
Zat Yankee trailer!
Pshoo! Pew, pew, pew, pew!

'...there are leaders...

'and trailers.'

We're under heavy fire!
I'm going in alone.

You stay where you are, soldier.

Sometimes a trailer...

Boom! Boom!

...doesn't wanna trail.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Hey!

No!

Retreat! Retreat!

Trailer, that charge you pulled
might've killed all of the enemy,

but you put everybody in the platoon
at risk. You're under arrest.

Whaaaat?

Order. Order!

I'm a trailer, not a traitor.

'Sometimes the strongest...'

SOUTHERN ACCENT:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

'...come from behind.'

Oh, sure, sometimes
his indicators aren't workin'.

But you'll see the only thing that
my client is guilty of is being the
bravest damn trailer

this man's army has ever seen.

Surely a trailer is
supposed to be behind a car.

In a way, aren't we all trailers?

Bailiff, what is your verdict?

The, uh, jury finds the defendant...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

'A Few Good Trailers.'

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- MATT: Jeez, that was good.
- Maybe it says something about me,
but I really wanna see that.

- HAYLEY: Same!
- There's a little bit of
that trailer in all of us.

- Can we―? Can you―?
Can you tell us?

- What?
- What was the verdict?
- Yeah.

- Was it guilty or not guilty?
- Spoiler ― it's fine.
- Can you tell us?

- Um, you'll find out this spring.
(LAUGHTER)

- I thought the CG on
the trailer was pretty amazing.

I mean, you could only see
the hand about half the time.
(LAUGHTER)

- Also, in terms of strategy,
I think just rushing the ene...

just rushing the enemy
never really works very well.
- Yeah, right.

- What about
the Charge of the Light Brigade?

Checkmate.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, Paul, give me another
trailer trailer, please.

- Up next with her science fiction
trailer trailer ― lights, camera,
Abby.

(FUTURISTIC MUSIC)

- Video log 4573 ―

day 56,

year 27,

month nine.

(RAPID BEEPING)

Time to call off your bets, Houston.
I think I've finally
found us a planet.

Initiating landing sequence.
(BEEPING)

Whoa!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GASPS)

This is a small step for man,

but a giant leap

for me.

WHISPERS: Cos I got short legs.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Atmosphere seems pretty clear to me.

Vegetation is sparse,
but the soil looks dead.

What's this?

There shouldn't be a broom here.

(GASPS)

I gotta get back on the ship.
(PANTS)

Captain's log. Captain's log.

I've just been outside into the
planet. There's someone there.

I― Get me out of here.

If I don't come back,
please pass on a message to my son.

I'm sorry.

Not responding?
(BEEPING)

What do you mean
you're not responding?
(BEEPING CONTINUES)

I gotta get off this planet.

(SOFT SWEEPING)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

- I did not see
that creep comin' at the end.
- No.

- Jean-Pierre.
- Jean-Pierre from, uh,
Abby's goal celebration...

- Of course.
- ...in episode one.

- Yeah, I also realised I used...

I really relied on my acting to
sell that, and I shouldn't have.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, the interesting part was
you set it in the future in 2027...
- Yeah, yeah.

- ...which, for someone
of my age is only about three
provisional tax payments away.

- Oh, you know, our boy Elon Musk,
he'll get us up there.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, who's next, Paul?
- It's time for a sword-and-sandals
epic. Here's Tom Sainsbury.

- TOM: 'In a world of swords
and Birkenstock sandals,

'there was Lactatius
and his chariot trailer.'

Quick, Lactatius. The Williamsanites
are taking the citadel.

- Well, I'm not goin' anywhere
without my chariot trailer.

(DRAMATIC CHEERING ECHOES)

Jesus, Zeus.

You made me a gladiator.

- Lactatius, you must fight the wild
beasts for the entertainment of the
people!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeeeess.

As a reward for killing that rhino
right and proper, we're sending you
across the Mediterranean.

(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

(LAUGHTER)

- Here I am on the shores
of Breastadonius.

Will I ever be reunited with
my chariot trailer ever again?

Anguish!

- 'Will Lactatius ever be reunited
with his chariot trailer? Coming to
cinemas 2025.'

(APPLAUSE)

- Really good.

- OK, Tom, so, any
reason why you decided that Paul
would suit the name 'Lactatius'?

- I don't― Look, I don't
know where that came from.

I think, you know, there were lots
of nude mannequins floating around,
and I think it was justplaying on―

I think the female form
was just playing on my mind.

- Some boys just look
like they like milk.
(LAUGHTER)

- You do like milk.
- I like milk a lot.
- Yeah. There we go.

- All right. There should be
one last trailer, is there?

- That's right,
and it's the fantasy trailer from
the twisted mind of Hayley Sproull.

- HAYLEY: 'Once upon a
time in Faydale, where a myriad
of creatures once roamed free,

'a weary fairy and a travelling
beast form one of the deepest
relationships of all time.'

- Hello, fairy.
- Hello, travelling beast.

- What sell you in
that trailer of yours?

- If you want to see the wares of my
trailer, you have to come inside it.

- I have little in the way of money.

- Perhaps you could pay me,
travelling beast, in... other ways.
- I have literally no money.

- Hmm. Perhaps you could
instead (BLEEP) me.

(BLEEP) me. Shove it in (BLEEP).

(BLEEP).

(BLEEP) up the (BLEEP),
and then I'll (BLEEP) you (BLEEP),

then you can (BLEEP),
and I have one of those.
- Whoa.

- What say you, beast?

- O-OK.

- Grab on.

'The Lust of the Fairies ―
a tale of love, betrayal...'

Why?!

'...and an unexpected pregnancy.'

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)
- Will I ever see you again?

- I don't know. If my father finds
out I literally (BLEEP) the living
(BLEEP) out of a travelling beast,

he'll never forgive me.

DEEPLY: You are no daughter of mine.

(GASPS) Run, beast. You must go.

Now! Go, beast!

Leave!

'A weary fairy and a travelling
beast face a father's wrath...'

(GASPS)

'...for love.'

Pregnant.

(RETCHES, COUGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Wow.

I wasn't actually aware
they were gonna bleep that.
I'm sort of disappointed.

(LAUGHTER)

- It was a great story, I gotta say.
I got a bit hot under the...
Got me going.

- Well, that's what it's supposed
to do. You know? It's really leaning
into that sort of smut era.

- Yeah.
- It makes me feel physically sick.
- Yeah, right.

- Yeah, well, the look on
your face when the fairy explained
what she was gonna do to you...

You've never heard
those words before.

- No, and I haven't
heard them since.
- Mm.

- Yet you still went, (DOPILY) 'OK.'
(LAUGHTER)

- All right. This is gonna be quite
hard to score, cos I really enjoyed
all of those.

But I'm gonna give Abby a point.

I'm going to give Tom two points,
cos I think, as a published director
and actor, I was expecting a lot.

- Oh dear. Fair call. Fair call.

- I think Tofiga should
get three points.

Four points for Hayley.

And I thought five points
for Ben Hurley.
- Aw.

- HAYLEY: Yeah, really good.
- I thought that was very good.
(APPLAUSE)

- ABBY: Yay!

- OK. We're about to cut to some ads,
but if you make it through them,
I've got a real treat for you ―

a special live task.
- Ooh.

- We'll be back right after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Nau mai, hoki mai.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
our five brave comedians are about
to take to the stage fora live task.

But first, let's see who's in with a
chance of winning this episode.
Paul, what are the scores?

- It's very close. In joint
second on 11, it's Ben and Tofiga,

and in first-equal on 12,
it's Hayley and Tom.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, Abby.
- What?

- Nice and close. Here we go.
- It's about time.

- And Abby's on four.
(LAUGHTER)

- Humbling, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
- All right, let's get on with
our live task, then.

Contestants,
please head up to the stage.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

OK, Paul, what sick, twisted game
have you thought up for us tonight?

- Hayley, could you please do us
the honours of explaining it?
- T'would be my honour.

READS: 'In your teams,
take turns to each roll an office
chair towards the edge of thestage.

'You must roll your chair
from behind the line.

'The closest team chair to the edge
of the stage wins one point.

'And chairs that go over the
edge will lose their team one point.
Best score over three rounds wins.'

(GASPING)
- TOM: Wow.

- I'm happy with that.
(APPLAUSE)

- Black team.

(EXCLAIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

- BEN: Oh, amazing!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- TOM: Oh...
- Oh, it's a nice shot, though.

- It's hooked slightly. Hurley!

(EXCLAIMING)

- MATT: Beautiful. That's perfect.

(EXCLAIMING)
- Oh my God!

- Oh...

- 40.5.

32.
- Yes!
(APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, nice. Nice.
- Stop, stop, stop.
Go, go, go, go, go.

(LAUGHTER)

- BEN: Oh, that's so good.
That is so good.

It's good. That's good.
- HAYLEY: Lovely.

- Oh, no, too much.
- No, you're all right.

Oh, it's OK. It's OK.
(EXCLAIMING)

- You got a couple
of centimetres there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh!
(CHEERING)

- No! No! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Dirty.
- One point for Team Red.

- We need to get all of theirs off,
and we need to win one.

- Ohh... Smart.

Oh, that's a beautiful roll.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- Oh, you dirty.
- ABBY: Dirty dog.

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

- Minus one for Black.

- I'm gonna play it too safe.
(LAUGHTER)

- Pleased with that.

- Can you sit on it and propel?

- I think if she crosses the line
and touches the ground, it's void.

- Old fun sponge over here, eh.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- MATT: OK.

- Hang on!

- Beautiful.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Minus one.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Minus two.
- One to go.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Minus four.

Plus one for Black.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We're going into sudden death.
One roller from each team; closest
to the edge of the stagewins.

Three, two,

one.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)

- Oh, shit.
- HAYLEY: Too much.

(EXCLAIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

- That's one of the best things
I've ever seen in my life.
- LAUGHS: Yeah!

- Come on down, and we'll score it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT FANFARE)

I really enjoyed that, Paul.
- Yes.

Team Black won.
How do you wanna score it?

- Um... How about team
of two get two points...
- Mm-hm.

- ...team of three get three points.
- OK.
(APPLAUSE)

- All right.

- So, how's everything looking for
the overall series results so far?
- It's unbelievably close.

There's only five points in it,
but with a one-point lead,
in first, it's Hayley Sproull

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- But what about tonight's winner?

- With 15 points,
the winner of episode three is...

Tom Sainsbury!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hey!

- Thank you!
- Congratulations, Tom.

You are now the proud owner of
some things that I have never
owned myself.

Head up to the stage
and enjoy your haul.
- Wow.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right.

As we wrap up another successful
episode, it's time to look back
and reflect on what we've learned.

We've learned that sometimes a wall
has a hole in it for a reason.

We've learned it's a lot easier to
turn on a lamp when you're in the
same room as it.

And we've learned that there is life
on other planets, and it looks a lot
like Paul Williams.

(LAUGHTER)

But most importantly of all, we've
learned that Tom Sainsbury is the
winner of episode three.

Ka kite ano!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Cheeeee-hoo!
- Chee-hoo!

- Mm. Tell me more.

- It's season five,
and we're running out of ideas.

- AMERICAN ACCENT: That's hot.

Oh no!

- Boom!

- My man!

- This all makes me think
maybe I need to get tested.

- You know what ― I don't want
any points. That task was dumb.

- Probably my favourite task
of all time.