All language subtitles for Corner.Gas.S04E17.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264.1-QOQ_track3_[eng]

Pretty ironic, huh?

What is?

You need to see in order
to tighten your glasses,

but you can only see by
wearing your glasses.

That's not really ironic.
It's more of a Catch-22.

It's like if you had
a hearing aid

and to adjust it,
you had to hear things.

I'd be turning mine off
right about now.

No, wait. It's like if they had
a device that people

who had no sense of smell used
to help them smell

and to use it they had to smell.

Yeah, there it is,
the perfect analogy.

Anything else would
be gilding the lily.

You know, you always see
tiny screwdrivers.

But you never see tiny pliers
or tiny wrenches.

Huh? Right, Brent?

Now, if I snapped
one of your arms off,

would that be ironic?

Not really, no.

I'd like to do it anyway.

♪ You can tell me that
your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it
took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can
stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot
goin' on ♪♪

Hey.

What are you guys doin'?

Designing a new decal for
the side of the police car.

Hey, cool. Xena.

No. No warrior princesses.

I know a guy who could airbrush
that wicked fast for ya.

It's a police car,
not a make-out van.

No reason why it
can't be both.

Now, this airbrush guy,
does he have a portfolio?

Uh, no. A Camaro I think.

I mean does he have an
example of his work?

Yeah, I know.
It's on his Camaro.

We just want something simple,
like a slogan.

Oh, wait, I got it.

Maybe you should stick to,
um...

whatever it is you do well.

How'd ya--

Let me guess. Hank?

It's my fault really. I made
friends with him in grade two.

Look at the bright side.

Is it three inches from
my face? Otherwise I
can't look at it.

I mean it's a good opportunity
for you to get new frames.

Yeah? I have an even
better solution.

Nice work, Melvin.

Good luck at the science fair.

Come on. It's hardly
even noticeable.

Noticeable, huh?

I'm sorry. Did you get kicked
by a donkey or something?

What if I did?
You'd feel bad now.

At least let me put some
clear tape on those.

Hey, two-eyes.

It's not nice to tease,
ya know, whoever you are.

Actually, it's a good look.

Brings out the face
on your head.

Thanks, I think.

You ever thought about
laser eye surgery?

Oh, sure, I've
thought about it.

Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Leroy.

I expect you to die.

Eventually.

But for now, let's just do
this laser eye surgery.

Laser surgery. Brent?
Oh, please.

He gets squeamish
cutting his nails.

I have sensitive cuticles,
sensitive manly cuticles.

Plus you're a chicken.

Don't make fun of Brent.
It's not his fault he's a--

Chicken?

Yeah, I guess it
is the best word.

Wanda overcharged
us 25 cents.

Gee. I wonder if you'll
overreact to this.

That's two bits.
That's a shave
and a haircut.

Let's just go.
I don't want to-
What kinda scam is
she trying to pull?

No crime too small.

It's the perfect slogan
for the side of the police car:

"No crime too small."

And Xena says this
in a thought bubble?

No, no, no.

This slogan's so cool, it
works better without Xena.

It is a good slogan.

Good thinkin', Hank.

Oh. No, no, wait, wait!

I didn't come up with it!
It was Emma!

Laser tag?

Count me in.

Code name: Savage Fox.

Beside the laser tag.

Laser hair removal?

A little late for that.

I'm looking at the ad
for laser eye surgery.

Ah, good for you.
It's an amazing procedure.

The laser actually
alters the shape

of the anterior central cornea.

Yeah. Plus Lacey said
I'd be too chicken to do it.

You can't undergo
life-changing surgery

because Lacey
made fun of you.

Of course not.

I'm going to give it
careful consideration.

Hey, guys. Do you have
any Shake n' Bake?

Again with the chicken stuff.
Well, you know what?

I am gettin' that
laser eye surgery.

That was a bit of a leap.

No. I really was taunting him.

Oh, you're good.

I just think I should have
been consulted, that's all.

What's wrong with
"To serve and protect"?

"No crime too small."
It brands us.

What about
"To protect and serve"?

Hey, Mutt and Jeff.

That guy came to
a rolling stop.

A rolling stop.
It's no big deal.

"To watch and to safen."

Your door says,
"No crime too small."

If you don't do somethin',
that's false advertising.

Okay, okay.

What, we're
actually doing this?

Oh, man.

Way to brand us.

So I didn't get a
chance to tell him

that you came up
with the slogan.

What slogan?

"No crime to small"?
Did I say that?

Yeah, you were
Oh, right.

I tend to repress a lot
of our time together.

So you don't care?

It's shocking how
much I don't care.

Are ya sure?

Because technically that's
your intellectual property.

Well, how about getting
off my actual property?

See there?

A wordplay, the mark
of a great writer.

BRENT:
Hey, thanks for comin' with,
Wanda.

Glad to help, especially
since you made it a condition

of my continuing employment.

Yeah. I like the part
where I did that.

Mr. Leroy?

The doctor will
see you now.

Oh, so he's a doctor.
That's a relief.

I'll just head on in, then.

Aren't you going to wait and
drive him home afterwards?

I'll be driving him home
in about four seconds.

He had a model of an eye
and he opened it up in half,

right in front of me.

Yeah, yeah, the humanity.

Let's blow this
popsicle stand.

Hey, that gives
me an idea.

Please don't tell Lacey.

Okay. But she's gonna wonder
why your mouth is blue.

I mean about me chickening out
of laser surgery.

Actually, a chicken woulda
hung in longer than you did.

Yeah, well, a chicken
doesn't know what's goin' on.

The point is, Lacey never
needs to know about this.

I don't want her
to know about this.

It's more fun watchin' you
flail around like a moron
trying to fool her.

I knew you'd have my back.

All right, let's blow
this popsicle stand.

Who knows what I coulda
picked up from that kid.

Laryngitis would be nice.

Oh, real funny.

I could be at Death's door.

Ring the doorbell.

You need to start puttin' your
money where your slogan is:

"No crime too small."

I wish our slogan was,
"Cranky old men ignored."

Chop, chop!

"No crime too small.
No crime too small."

Well, I'm proud
of you, Brent.

And I thought
you'd chicken out.

If there's one thing we know
for sure, it's that I didn't.

Uh-huh?

Hmm.

Wow.

You sure recovered
quickly.

Oh, the technology has
improved so much these days.

They're, um, they're using
those laser-guided lasers now.

Clumsy me.

I-I spilt Brent's coffee.

Yeah, geez, Wanda.

Good thing you weren't
doing the surgery on me.

That was a close one.

I hope this goes
on for years.

You're going to be
staggering into lamp posts,

putting Preparation H
on your toothbrush.

This is great.

Hey, got my picture
in the Howler.

That happens to you
all the time.

Yeah, but this time it's
for somethin' good.

Finally, a headline without
the word "mishap" in it.

They spelt "thanks" wrong,
but otherwise it's good.

What do you think
about that, Brent?

About Hank's new slogan
for the police car.

Oh.

Uh.

Cool. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Way ta slogan it
up there, Hank.

Yeah, good.
Good story.

Sorry they spelled your
name wrong, there, I see.

It's a big hit,
talk of the town.

I can read it myself, Wanda.
Sheesh.

Oh, it says it's a big hit,
talk of the town.

Uh-huh.

This slogan thing's
not a bad idea.

Ya think you could come
up with one for me?

Hmm.

"It's BLT,"
Brent Leroy Time.

I kinda meant for Corner Gas,
not for me, personally.

Although I do like that.

"It's BLT."

Citizen's arrest.

I just can't do that
many bananas at once.

They go soft.

You can make muffins.

Just give us one
second, Oscar.

Oscar is driving me crazy.
We have to deal with this.

I got an idea.

Twenty minutes in the oven, or
until they're brown on top.

Maybe I can put
in some raisins.
Raisins?

Book this dirt bag!

Okay, I got it, I got it,
the perfect slogan.

"Got gas?"

No.

"Do you have gas?"

I'll come back later.

No rush.

How long you been there?

Okay, you have got to start
wearing your glasses again.

Ah, but this morning
I ordered contact lenses.

This way Lacey will never know
I didn't get the eye surgery.

It's so crazy it
just might work.

Crazy?

It seems pretty
straightforward to me.

Yeah, me too.

I just like tenting my fingers
and acting all schemey.

So, uh, again, sorry about
stealing your slogan.

You've already apologized,
Hank, many times.

Why are you here?

Well, I-you know, I was just
thinkin' about Corner Gas.
Uh-huh?

Yeah, it's pretty cool,
don't ya think?

I sure like it there.

I've noticed.

I wonder why I like hangin' out
at Corner Gas so much.

Well, perhaps you need a
hobby or a job or...a job.

Ah, no. No, no.

See, it can't
be about me.

I mean, um, I'm just
trying to put my finger

on something special about
Corner Gas itself.

I mean I like hangin' out there,
even when I don't need gas.

Whatever, Hank.

It's obviously not
just about the gas.

Now that's clever.

Why can't you ever come
up with stuff like that?

You doubted my plan.
But check it out.

My contact lenses
have arrived.

These are contacts, right?
I can't see a thing.

Contacts, or incredibly
tiny soup bowls.

In your face.

In my face, actually, in
the eye part of my face.

Geez, that's right. I'm gonna
have to put my finger in my eye.

So what? Don't be a baby.

Whoa, easy there. I'm no baby.

Eeeeuw. Eeeeuw, eeeuw, ee-ee.

We got a tip that there's
something happening

at that house over there.

But, uh, because of red tape,
we can't do nothin' about it.

Red tape?
Oh-ho, the worst kind.

Yeah. We need you to
watch and report back.

Scratch that.
We just need you to watch.

What am I lookin' for?

You'll know it
when ya see it.

And when I see them, I throw
the binoculars at them.

No. You use them to watch.

"No crime too small."

Exactly.

Hey, whaddaya think? Huh-huh?

People really seem
to like my slogans.

Well, that's pretty good.

It's not good that they
use the same pun twice, but--

I could do a slogan for you.
How about a little message

at the bottom of your receipt,
something like, "Come again"?

That's what I have now.

"Please come again"?

You know what other
place I like?

The Ruby.

Forget it, Hank.
Onto me how?

I'm not giving you
any more slogans

so you can take
all the credit.

But you said
you didn't care.

That's before I knew you
were a weasely little weasel.

Fine. But if you don't
want to do it for me-,

I don't want to do it for you.
Do it for Lacey.

Forget it, you weaselling
little weasel face.

But The Ruby. Come on,
don't ya like The Ruby?

Of course I like The Ruby.
What's not to like?

"What's not to like?"

Yeah, Hank came up with it.
Pretty good, huh?

Weasel boy.

and I've been lyin' to ya
all the while.

I knew it. It was
the lasers, wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't the "Hang in
there" kitty poster on the wall,

although that was
kinda freaky.

You shouldn't trick people.

You're right. Anyway,
now I have to trick Wanda.

Sure.

I got contact lenses,
but I can't put them in,

because to put them in,
ya have to touch your eyeball
and I can't touch my eyeball.

If she finds out,
she'll call me a baby.

It sounds like
you are a baby.

Nobody said I was gonna
have to touch my eyeball.

Brent, what did you think
the word "contact" meant?

I didn't give it any thought.

I mean words don't
to mean exactly--

hot dog doesn't have
any dog in it.

Can we just get back
to the tricking part?

Hank's stealing my slogan ideas.

Oh, all right, I get it.
"No crime too small," right?

Exactly.

You're not gonna start
asking us to arrest people

for stupid reasons,
like Oscar, are you?

No, no, I'm not like Oscar.
I'm gonna leave now.

I didn't even
want that slogan.

I wanted something along the
lines of "To serve and protect,"

just slightly different.

Like what, "To serve
and connect"?

Hey, yeah. Thanks, Emma.

You're not gonna ask
if you can use it?

Are they in?
I can't see them.

They're contacts. You're not
supposed to see them.

What do ya think the
word "contact" means?

Why are you squinting?

Oh, uh, it's just
workin' the contacts.

I probably touched my
eyeballs too much earlier.

I was really goin' at it.

You guys, I think
I lost an earring.

Oh.

Oh, that's a drag.
Wait a minute.

What's that, over there,
all the way across the room?

Nice one, eagle eyes.

That laser surgery
works pretty good, huh?

Yeah, it's like you
have super vision now.

You saw that earring,
30 feet away?

Wow. Those are some
killer contact lenses.

Hey, Brent, you gotta
move your car.

We got a call and
you're blockin' us in.

Uh, sure. But I'm--

Just move your car.

Oops.

That's, uh, common, actually.

The first few days
after surgery,

you can't see
backwards very well,

due to the, um, inverting of
the, uh, cornea, uh, copia.

I know he didn't get
the laser surgery and I know

he's not wearing contacts,
because he's too much of a baby

to touch his eyeballs.

You lied to me?

You lied to me first.

I fibbed. It's different.

Why are we turning
on each other?

If anything, we should
be turning on Brent.

Let's get him back.

And I think I know how.

What are you doing?

Schemey fingers. Picked it up
from Brent. Try it.

Whoa, that is schemey.

Throw the book at him.
You Peeping Tom.

I was workin' for the cops.
Tell 'em, you two.

I just told you to look around
the house, not inside it.

I want you to arrest him.

It looks like we'll
have to run you in.

For lookin' through
binoculars?

"No crime too small."

What? That's just
a stupid slogan.

It doesn't mean you
have to arrest me.

Ya-ha! If we don't have to
arrest you for stupid things,

we don't have to
arrest anyone.

All right, all right.

But I want you
to arrest him.

I don't feel safe
in my own house.

Ah, get over yourself.

Oh, hey, hey,
check it out.

Man, it feels good
to be published.

Excuse me.

This "What's not to like?"
at the bottom,

is that an actual question?

Because I filled out some
things I didn't like.

Yeah. I filled out
my quiz too.

There's more stuff
on the back.

Okay. It's just a slogan.

Well, it's a tad
presumptuous.

She's right.

It's like your receipt
is looking down on me.

This slogan is
going on my list.

Ow.

Great slogan, Hank.
Thanks a lot!

Oh, no, no. It wasn't mine,
it was Emma's?

Come on! Don't blame Emma
for your bad ideas.

Oh, hey, Lacey.
Love your hair band.

Hmm.

Don't ya love
her hair band?

Yeah, it looks great.

I'm not wearing
a hair band.

Oh, geez, Wanda. Maybe you need
contact lenses or laser surgery.

Who are ya
talkin' to?

I'm over here.

I know. I was, uh,
lookin' at the--

Oh, Brent,

I'm not sure about my
new slogan on my receipts.

What do you think?

It's printed right
there at the bottom,

in tiny little letters.

Oh. Well, um--

Lacey, I think you should give
my slogan a second chance.

Which slogan
is that, Hank?

You know, "What's not to like?"

Right, like it says here.

I'm with Hank.
Give it another shot.

That's not what it says there.

Aw, come on.
You changed it already?

"Brent Leroy lies to his
friends and is afraid to
touch his eyeballs."

It's kinda weird. But if you
think it'll drum up business.

The jig's up, chuckles.

That could work. It's shorter.

Fine.

You know, you two should
be ashamed of yourselves,

with the trickery and deceit
and shameless hosery.

Nothin' stings more than bein'
bested at your own game.

Uh-uh. Don't do the finger thing
after the scheme.

Do it before.

Oh, right.

Here ya go, guys.
Thanks.

"To serve and connect?"

Hey, that's ours.

I didn't say you
could have it.

Closed Captioning by

Vertical Sync
Closed Captioning Services Inc.

www.verticalsync.com

♪ I don't know the same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know
I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know
Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

Want to have a gas online?
Visit us at cornergas.com

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪