Original subtitles

(Unenthusiastic applause)

(Chatter)

0h!

Thank heavens for English theatre bars.

We've had two acts of this play.

Complete suffering both on stage and off.

I don't know what your tastes are in theatre.

Maybe you like the, er...

the sweat and the grunt school of acting.

Me, I come to the theatre for fun, for laughs, for excitement.

Tonight? Oh, brother...

(Woman) Simon!

Here comes the producer's wife. What shall I say?

- Excuse me. Oh, darling! - Madge!

Tell me honestly what do you think of it.

I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it before.

Isn't this thrilling? Stay here. I want you to meet john.

He used to be an actor, you know?

Yes - yes, I know.

Come, darling. I want you to meet the most fantastic man.

I told you about him. john, this is Simon Templar.

- Oh, isn't it heavenly? - Yes.

- Darling, don't brood. - What else can I do?

The tasteless stupidity of the press and the public.

Beautiful play - off in three days. All that money just gone.

There'll be other plays.

- Shall we have drinks out here. - All right.

Bit chilly out of the sun.

- Let's pull it forward. - All right.

- There you are. How's that? - That's fine.

I have to go to London tomorrow and solve our domestic problems.

Running this house without help is madness.

I like it like this. just the two of us.

Darling, how sweet. but it's not very practical.

- Hey, you're cold. - I'm fine, really.

- I'll get you a sweater. - Thank you.

Madge, catch!

(Scream and crash)

You're doing splendidly, Mrs Clarron.

Next week you can get up for a few minutes each day.

Isn't that rushing things?

Not at all. It's time she got some exercise.

Have you met your new neighbour yet?

No. Who?

(Doctor) Adrienne Halberd.

She moved into Rose Cottage next door after your accident.

- I forgot to tell you. - Oh, really? What's she like?

She's an attractive girl, wouldn't you say, Mr Clarron?

I wouldn't know. I've only seen her from a distance.

- See you soon, Mrs Clarion. - Thank you.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

That nurse I spoke of, she's free now.

Shall I get her to phone you?

I have a housekeeper arriving tomorrow.

I hope she works out. You need help, you look exhausted.

Exhausted, Doctor? Or guilty?

You mustn't blame yourself for this.

Who do I blame? It was my fault. Madge might've been killed.

But she wasn't killed. In a few weeks she'll be fine.

Have some visitors, ask friends over. It'll do you both good.

Anyway, I'll pop in again tomorrow morning.

Doctor Sprague, if you call too often,

she'll think she's sicker than she is.

Couldn't we leave it that if she needs you, I'll phone?

Well, if you prefer it that way.

You said yourself she's going along splendidly.

She is, but...

If anything goes wrong, I'll call you immediately.

Thank you very much for what you've done. We appreciate it.

But you WILL call me if I can be of help?

Of course, Doctor. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

(Fookstepfi

Dr Sprague says that in six weeks you'll be as fit as ever.

It's the best day yet. No pain at all.

I feel so terribly responsible.

It was an accident. We both know it.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up.

I've got an idea.

Couldn't we have Margaret and Frank in for drinks?

We can't rush things. Dr Sprague said no visitors for two weeks.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

But I can have a telephone here, can't I?

Phoned the Post Office again yesterday.

And?

"Yes, sir. We have your order, sir.

"We'll install an extension as soon as possible."

But they said that two weeks ago.

There's bureaucracy for you.

Anyway, maybe they'll come tomorrow.

Anything in particular you'd like for lunch?

Oh, what's easiest?

How about some fish? A nice salad?

There'll be new bread at the bakery.

Poor darling.

All this cooking and shopping and looking after me.

Surely there's someone we can find to help.

I phoned every agency in London.

Domestic help is simply non-existent.

Anyway, I enjoy looking after you.

Hello!

Good morning, Adrienne. Pretty.

How's Mrs Clarron?

Hmm? Not too well, I'm afraid.

Oh! john, please let me help. I've loads of free time.

It's sweet of you, Adrienne.

You've never met Madge. She's very shy with strangers.

Anyway, a housekeeper's arriving tomorrow.

That's marvellous.

I hope so. Fifteen years with one family in Dublin,

or so she says.

Claims she's used to invalids and loves to cook.

As Irish as they make them.

There you are, Mrs jafferty. Two pounds of stewing beef.

- On the bill? - (Irish accent) Please.

Clarrons. Eight shillings. Stewing beef.

You've been in Cookham a week, do you like it?

As pretty a town as you could want.

The Clarrons are fine people.

- Give them my regards. - Indeed.

I wonder if you'd do me a favour.

I've got an order for Miss Halberd of Rose Cottage.

I promised it her for lunch.

I wonder if you'd drop it off for me.

Sure, Mr Smith.

- That's very good of you. - You're welcome, Mr Smith.

(Horn)

(Italian accent) Thank you.

Simon Templar! Good to see you.

Mario, good to see you, too.

Like a stone, you drop from the blue. I can't believe it!

My entire establishment is yours. Anything you wish.

My bags are in the car outside.

Don't worry, we'll have them brought in.

And now, what to drink? A Manhattan? I mix it myself.

At this hour, a pint from the barrel.

Warm, flat, nourishing and British.

And what brings you to Cookham? An adventure? A criminal?

No, after a month in Paris,

I had a crazy bout of nostalgia for the sight of your ugly puss.

Simon, this is Mario, remember? You can be honest with me, no?

Why not?

- Can you keep a secret? - It is like telling a dead man.

- I'm looking for a woman. - A-ha!

38-24-36.

- Bellissima! - That's only her head.

Ah! Here we are.

No, that's me stewing beef.

Ah! Here it is at last.

Thanks. I hope it wasn't a bother.

Not at all, a few yards out of my way on a day like this.

Mind the eggs. How's Mrs Clarron?

Well enough, under the circumstances.

I'd love to come and see her.

Not allowed, miss.

Doctor was very firm about it. No visitors.

Tell her I was asking about her.

- I will, and good day to you. - Thanks again.

Oh, you're welcome, miss.

(Knock)

Mrs hfierty?

Mrs jafferty!

(Fookstepfi

(Gasps)

- Hello, Adrienne. - You scared the life out of me.

I'm sorry.

Mrs jafferty dropped my meat off on her way home,

and she forgot this.

Oh, you needn't have bothered.

I'm sorry to barge in like this.

I did call Mrs jafferty, but she didn't answer.

You could never barge in.

Now that I'm here, couldn't I at least say hello to Madge?

That's sweet of you. I wish you could.

I'm afraid Mrs jafferty's bathing her right now.

- Oh! - You know housekeepers.

What they say goes, otherwise they go. And then where are you?

OK, then. Some other time.

As soon as she's strong enough, you'll be the first visitor.

- She's dying to meet you. - Thanks, john. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was that?

Oh, just some deliveries. I ordered champagne for you.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Incidentally, Madge, I have few bills to pay.

- I'll give you a cheque. - Thanks.

How much do you want?

Tailor's bill this month. Better make it three hundred.

- Isn't that rather... - What?

Well, go ahead. Go ahead, Madge, say it.

You think it's too much, don't you?

No, darling. Not at all.

You've every right, of course, since it is your money.

John, that's cruel.

The truth has a way of being cruel, hasn't it?

The truth is that you pay for everything in this house.

The food, the drink, the car, even my clothes.

It gets a little wearing after a time.

A man doesn't particularly enjoy living off a woman.

Is that how you classify me? I thought I was your wife.

Madge, darling. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

- I think you did. - No!

It's just that sometimes I feel... I don't know.

I've never bought you anything, really.

Just a few flowers, some chocolates.

You buy your own furs, jewellery.

You even paid for your own engagement ring.

John, why does it have to matter so much to you?

Why can't you accept it? Why do you think of it as my money?

It's OUR money. This isn't my house, it's our home.

Of course it is. I'm sorry, darling. Let's forget it.

All right.

- John? Tell me something. - What?

Are you happy? With me, I mean.

- What sort of question is that? - Are you?

Of course. I love you.

- You don't say it very often. - Well...

Does it embarrass you?

A little, perhaps.

Oh, darling... Once in a while, tell me.

I love you, Madge. Very much.

Oh, darling...

Sometimes I think if I weren't married to you, I'd die.

There it is. A custom-built Manhattan.

Thank you, Mario.

Simon, we are friends, no?

We are friends, yes. Cheers.

But sometimes I feel I don't know you at all.

I'm not very complicated, Mario.

Like all men, I'm searching for personal fulfilment.

I won't accept mine by proxy, that's all.

I don't understand.

Simple. I don't like being a cog in the machine.

Being one of the million ants that devour the dragon is noble,

but not as fun as being Saint George.

With a sword in the hand, a foot on the neck of the dragon.

And an arm around a fair maiden.

- Sounds cock-eyed? - Not with that addition.

Apart from looking at the scenery,

what are you doing in Cookham? And no jokes, please.

- Hmm? - What are you doing in Cookham?

What do you know about a man named john Clarron?

Quite recently, his wife had a serious accident.

She nearly died.

His other wives had accidents, too. They did die.

He's been married before?

Twice. How about another custom-built?

Sure.

This woman coming now is their housekeeper.

- Oh, what's her name? - Mrs jafferty.

Mrs Jaffert ? Yes? y.

- How is Mrs Clarron? - Would you be knowing her?

You might say I'm a friend of the family.

I even knew the former Mrs Clarron.

Would that be the American lady?

Yes, Grace Seldon. I was engaged to her sister.

Were you now? Fancy that!

You might tell them I was asking.

- If you tell me your name. - This is Mr Simon Templar.

Pleased to meet you. I'll be telling Mr Clarron you asked.

- Goodbye, Mrs jafferty. - Goodbye, now.

Simon, you are perhaps incognito.

Did I do wrong to mention your name?

No, of course not, Mario.

Another Manhattan, or do you feel like some dinner?

Mr Templar is having dinner with me.

- I am? - Well, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, if Mario will excuse me.

Excuse you? I congratulate you. I will bring the menu.

That won't be necessary, Mario. We're dining at my home.

Bring us two Manhattans. On me.

The lady's spoken, Mario.

You issue orders like a general.

You want to argue?

Not with a general as pretty as you.

However, sometimes I ask questions.

- Sometimes I answer. - What's your name?

- Adrienne Halberd. - We've met before?

You don't remember?

Of course. It was Paris in the spring.

Central Park in the rain?

- Calgary in Nuchaluk? - Now you're guessing.

How about you're a special investigator

for the Majestic Insurance Company,

and you're in Cookham for the same reasons I am.

To prevent john Clarron from murdering his third wife.

Adrienne, that was a superb dinner, except for one thing.

What?

You. You've shattered my faith.

In what?

Well, in evolution.

You're beautiful, you're gay, you're amusing, a superb cook.

But you're an insurance investigator.

Insurance companies found out years ago

that investigators could do a lot more

if they didn't look like investigators.

That's true.

Now, supposing we compare notes on john Clarron?

All right. What do you know?

He went to a good school where he didn't get into any trouble.

Then he became an actor.

Then he married and went to live in Australia.

Where the first Mrs Clarron fell from the tenth floor

of a Brisbane hotel.

John collected £50,000 of insurance, and then came back.

Hmm-hmm.

Then he got involved in theatre again.

Produced some plays in London. All of them flopped.

He was virtually bankrupt

when he married American heiress Grace Seldon.

Yes, I knew her.

- What was she like. - Like most pretty girls.

Selfish, petulant, spoilt...

but charming.

Anyway, they moved to New York,

and six months later, Grace was electrocuted.

This time there was no insurance.

John did inherit a quarter of a million dollars.

- Very enterprising. - Very.

Then he came back to England?

Yes, the same thing started again.

- More plays that flopped. - I saw his last one.

The day after he married Madge,

john insured her life for £70,000.

And a few weeks ago she was almost killed.

That's why I'm in Cookham.

Adrienne...

There's one thing wrong. I thought you would've spotted it.

What?

Up to now, Clarron has worked alone.

Don't you think it's pretty stupid of him

to clutter this operation with Mrs jafferty?

Aren't you coming to bed?

Not yet. I've got some work to do on the new play.

Gilbert has great talent. He's written a very bad third act.

- You'll fix it, darling. - I hope so.

It'll be a tremendous success.

You'll be London's most famous producer.

We said that about the last one.

This one's different.

- You think so? - I know it!

- Anything you want? - No.

Good night, sweetie.

I've a hunch that Clarron is thinking hard tonight.

Why?

He'll either call it off, or panic and hurry things up.

I don't understand.

It was a predictable reaction of the ungodly.

I've seen it happen a thousand times.

Clarron is at the end of a diving board.

- Any day he'll take the plunge. - What are you talking about?

I told Mrs jafferty that I was once engaged to Grace's sister.

I still don't understand.

Grace Clarron never had a sister.

Leave Cookham - 10:30.

Arrive Maidenhead - 10:43.

Yes. Yes, yes, I know!

But look, Gilbert, dear boy, yours is not a play of action.

It's a detailed study of an environment.

I think I've licked our problem in the third act.

I'd like to talk to you.

OK, can you have dinner tonight at my club?

Right. Shall we say seven o'clock?

Fine, fine. I look forward to seeing you.

Right. Goodbye.

(Fookstepfi

I just phoned Gilbert. I'm going to meet him.

He'll see things my way now.

I'm sure he will. What train are you catching?

Three o'clock, if that's all right?

- Of course. - We're meeting at seven,

but I'll catch the 8:55 back.

I'll leave your supper ready. What would you like?

Oh, whatever's easiest.

How about a nice lamb stew?

You won't have time to cook it.

It's only ten o'clock. I'll go to the village for the meat.

John, don't take so much trouble.

It's no trouble.

I'll be back in about 45 minutes, dear!

All right, dear!

(Doorbefl)

You were quick. Oh! Won't you come in?

Thank you, Adrienne.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thanks. I haven't got the time.

I've got to catch the 10:30 train to London.

How's Madge?

She's better today. That's why I came.

I've left Mrs jafferty alone with her.

I've told her to call you if need be.

I'll pop over after breakfast.

I wouldn't do that. She's very independent.

Leave them alone, unless Mrs jafferty telephones.

- OK. - Thank you. I'm very grateful.

I haven't done anything yet.

- Oh! - You two have met, haven't you?

Yes. Hello, Clarron. How are you?

Fine. Well, I must fly.

Am I interrupting something?

No, I have to catch the 10:30 train to London.

- Let me drop you off. - It's not too much trouble?

Not at all. Keep the coffee hot.

- Bye, Adrienne. Thank you. - Goodbye.

How's Madge?

- As well as can be expected. - When can I see her.

What are you doing in Cookham?

- Playing golf. - Oh.

Seeing Adrienne. When can I come over and see Madge?

Unfortunately, she's not allowed visitors.

Yes, I sort of gathered that from your housekeeper.

Do you know her?

Yes, I met her in the pub. Didn't she tell you?

She's a great talker. I don't listen to half of it.

Thank you for the lift, Mr Templar.

You're welcome. Staying in town all day?

No, I'm catching the 8:55 back.

- Have fun. - Thank you.

- Good morning. - Morning, sir.

Thank you.

By the way, you wouldn't know what platform at Paddington

the 8:55 leaves from this evening?

Blimey, sir. I wouldn't have the foggiest.

I suppose not. Silly question.

That's all right, sir. We all ask 'em from time to time.

There y'are, Mrs jafferty. 1lb of stewing lamb.

Is that enough for three people?

It's for me and Mrs Clarron. Himself's gone to London.

- Good day, Mr Smith. - Good day, Mrs jafferty.

Good morning, miss.

Would you be having a tin of that rat poison?

The brown stuff like shoe polish, you know?

We have some. A 4oz or 10oz tin?

- 4oz will do nicely. How much? - Three and sixpence.

I'll get you to sign the poison book.

- That's odd. - What is?

Mrs jafferty just went in. I didn't see her go out.

She probably left when you were driving down to the station.

Probably. You know what's even more peculiar?

Knowing Mrs jafferty, I can't believe she didn't tell john

I said I was engaged to Grace's sister.

The Irish are so unpredictable.

But women aren't.

(Clarron's voice) I'm back, Madge.

Oh, good, dear!

There we are.

Did you really make me a stew?

Of course I did.

Just light this at 6:45 and it'll be piping hot by 7:00.

Now, let's see. Magazines, television...

- What about cigarettes? - I've plenty.

- Anything else you want? - Only for you to hurry back.

Bye. Mad'?-.

- Have a good day, dear. - I will.

- Goodbye, darling. - Goodbye.

- I'll be back by ten, dear. - All right, darling.

- Bye. - Bye, darling.

(Door slams)

- Has the three o'clock left? - Due in two minutes.

Oh, dear! I'm so upset I hardly know what I'm doing.

It's me sister. She's ill, and not a soul to look after her.

Oh, dear. This side, madam, yes.

But Mr Clarron, I'm not interested in these actionless,

pressureless plays the modern theatre calls honest.

What's your objection to a plot?

Nothing, Gilbert. But you haven't written an action play.

What do you make the time?

6:45.

Go on, Gilbert. You were saying...

- Adrienne, what time is it? - Ten to seven.

There's something wrong. There's something very wrong.

Nothing possibly can happen to Madge with john in London.

But Mrs jafferty went out at 2:30 and still isn't back.

Madge has been alone in that house for four hours.

What should we do?

- I'll visit the Clarron ménage. - Shall I come with you?

No, I'll be back in ten minutes. Don't worry.

(Muffled TV dialogue)

(Man on TV) 'Your mum hasn't borrowed any tea for weeks.'

(TV audience laughs)

(Woman on TV) 'She's been getting it from Mrs Smith.'

(Audience laugh)

(Woman on TV) 'There you are.' (Man on TV) 'Morning.'

(Woman) 'Good morning. What are you doing?'

(Man) 'Chopping wood.' (Woman) 'Not there?!'

(Man) 'l always have!' (Woman) 'Not any more!'

(Woman) 'You'll crack the concrete.'

(2nd man on TV) 'Have you finished chopping wood?'

(Woman) 'l could get him for wilful damage.'

(Man) 'l can have 'er for trespass!'

(Woman) 'It's my garden!' (Man) 'l'm renting it!'

(Man) 'You crack 'er concrete and I'll crack you!'

(Audience laughs)

(Man on TV) 'You're intrudin' my fence by hangin' on it.'

(Woman on TV) 'It's 'alf mine!' (Man on TV) 'You're on my 'alf!'

(Audience laughs and TV fades)

But Gilbert, dear boy, that is the point.

A message, social significance.

I have no message. I'm incapable of improving the world.

I just want to entertain paying customers in the theatre.

If you'd take that attitude, you might produce a success,

instead of a series of dismal flops.

If that's how you feel...

I feel you are an untalented, overblown, professional bore.

I have a train to catch at 8:55. We've nothing further to say.

My bill, please.

Why, Dr Sprague! What a pleasant surprise.

Hello, Mr Clarron.

You're prognosis was 100% right. Madge is doing splendidly.

Well enough to be left alone?

She's not alone. I have a housekeeper.

- She's an absolute treasure. - I'm glad.

She had no references. One hears terrifying things these days.

Still, I had to have someone, didn't I?

(Train whistles)

- Could I ask you a favour? - I'm sure you could.

I was driven to the station. I don't have my car.

- Can I have a lift? - It's out of my way.

Only a quarter of a mile. I'd appreciate it so much.

Well...all right.

...Then he became absolutely insulting.

I'll never understand writers.

Complete egocentrics, every one of 'em.

Never think of anybody but themselves.

Is this me already? Thank you, Doctor.

Darling?

Madge, dear?

Madge?

Where are you going, Clarron?

Back to Brisbane?

Or New York, to Grace's apartment on Park Avenue?

It's my wife. She's dead.

Your wives have a habit of dying.

What are you talking about?

This!

You poisoned your wife.

You're out of your mind.

- Am I? - I was in London.

- Were you? - You know I was.

You drove me to the 10:30 train. You saw me get on it.

But you got off it, didn't you? At the next station up the line!

I did not. I dined with a writer. He'll vouch for it.

- Will he? - So will the waiters.

On the train coming home, I met Dr Sprague.

- He drove me to the door. - Then who did poison your wife?

It was Mrs jafferty.

I had to take her without references, I was desperate.

With Madge so ill, I couldn't look after her and the house.

I don't see why not.

You're a very talented husband.

It was Mrs jafferty.

What possible motive could she have for killing your wife?

Robbery. She's taken Madge's jewellery.

Go look for yourself.

Her jewel box is broken open. It's empty.

(Picks up phone)

- Who are you calling? - The police.

I wouldn't bother. I called them myself, Mrs jafferty.

- What d'you call me? - Mrs jafferty.

Granted, it was a beautiful performance.

You created an identity believed by all the village tradesmen.

To avoid visitors, you told them Dr Sprague wouldn't allow it,

so no one could ask questions about the mythical Mrs jafferty.

Templar, we can work this out.

- Can we? - Yeah.

There's a £70,000 insurance policy on Madge's life.

I'll collect it in a month or six weeks. I'll give you half.

- £35,000. - All right, I'll make it 40.

And all the jewellery. Here, take it.

I'm not interested in the jewellery. Or the money.

I want you to get what's coming to you, Clarron.

The first Mrs Clarron, who fell from the hotel window,

- you pushed her? - Yes.

- Grace Seldon, in New York? - Yes.

- And now Madge? - Yes, yes!

Adrienne?

- Did you get that? - Every word.

- It was different with Madge. - How?

I loved Madge. I didn't love the others, but I did love Madge.

You know, john...

I believe you did.

Just a minute, sir.

Thanks for getting here so quickly, Inspector.

You probably didn't hear that,

but Miss Halberd has a verbatim transcript.

John, Why?

What did I do wrong?

(Sobbing)

Madge.

Madge.

L-I loved him.

I loved him. (Sobs)

Even when you were telling me the whole horrible story,

so I wouldn't eat the poison,

that's all I could think of -

how much I loved him.

Oh, Simon! Why didn't you let me die?

Because I know that, in time, you'll feel differently,

and you'll want very much to live.