Original subtitles

There's no bell

When you call for me

You'll be falling for miles

I'm bewitched by your misery

But I love it when you smile

Let me know what you want from me

Whisper "love" in my ears

Before you try to get your hooks in me

I should warn you, my dear

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in, you ain't getting out

It's the trap you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows, ain't no doors

No escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream, but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted - Haunted house

M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

Haunted house

My love.

Cara mia.

The ring! The ring! Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, Thing! Best hand always has the ring!

Dearly be-loathed,

it is indeed a rare privilege to see our family

gathered together for this Addams tradition.

To commence this ceremony

and deliver these two

into the yawning void of matrimony,

we put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up.

I now pronounce you...

- Monsters! - Freaks!

Get out, Addams!

You've been here long enough!

We've had enough of your kind!

Addams aren't wanted here!

Leave already!

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Quick, put the lime in the coconut

and drink 'em both up!

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

This is our home!

You're not wanted!

We don't want you here!

Everyone, to the bridge!

Fire!

Fire!

You two love bats better fly out of here!

I'll hold them off!

Mazurka!

Grab onto my hairy hump!

I think I can see my house from here.

Oh, no. That's a women's prison.

Oh, Gomez, why do hordes of angry villagers

follow us everywhere we go?

We are safe, my love, that is all that matters.

I want to find a new home

that is shrouded from the world.

Someplace that is truly us.

Yes! Somewhere horrible! Somewhere corrupt!

Somewhere that no one in their right mind

would be caught dead in!

Unhappy, darling?

Yes, completely.

Oh, Gomez, you have torn down my walls

and stabbed your name onto my heart.

My wan temptress,

your hand is as cold as a dead fish.

My love, that is a dead fish.

Mmm, mmm...

So it is.

Darling,

is that a wrinkle I see on your pallid brow?

What's wrong?

We can't run forever, my love.

I want a home again.

I want our children to grow up in peace.

I want to pick out cemetery plots.

Morticia, I swear on my life I will find us a new home.

And your every wish shall be granted.

Mon amour.

French. You know what that does to me.

Wild thing

You make my heart...

We hit something!

Is he all right?

No, he seems perfectly demented.

"State Hospital for the Criminally Insane."

Gomez.

That must be the asylum.

Oh, thank goodness.

A decent place to sleep for the night.

Hmm?

Thank you, old boy. Lead the way.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

Must be the off-season.

Hello?

There's no one here.

Could it be abandoned?

It's creepy. Kooky.

Mysterious. Spooky.

Huh?

Get out!

It's hideous.

It's horrible.

It's home.

What a lovely morning!

Nice try.

Get out!

Oh, you're always so grumpy before your morning coffee.

Better?

Lurch,

it's time for breakfast.

Thing.

Have Ichabod wake the children.

Lurch, would you mind dusting the house?

Mmm.

Slowly, Cleopatra.

I wouldn't want my favorite African Strangler to choke.

All right, Ichabod. I'm awake.

Not for long.

Real mature, Pugsley.

Oh, please.

You never threw an axe when you were my age?

Of course I did. I never missed.

How I wish something would liven up

this already tedious day.

Thanks for trying, Ichabod.

Hmm.

Pugsley?

Pugsley! It's time for sword practice.

Pugsley!

Let the games begin.

Here's Pugsley!

All right, son. That's enough.

They blow up so fast these days.

Don't make me come up there!

This is your last warning!

My head. Ow, ow, ow.

Pugsley, we're supposed to be working on your swordplay.

Your Sabre Mazurka is two weeks away,

and you've barely practiced at all.

So I missed one practice. What's the big deal?

The big deal?

The Sabre Mazurka is the most important day

in a young man's life.

It's what makes you an Addams.

It's the day your entire family gathers around you

and passes judgment on your worth as a human being.

I hear it's like Thanksgiving.

But swords are so old-fashioned.

I'm more of a demolitions man.

Explosives have no place in a Mazurka. Hand them over.

All of them.

And the TNT.

And the M-80s.

Roman candles. Bang snaps. Holy Hand Grenades.

Son, our family hasn't been all together in 13 years.

They are coming from all over the world

to see you on your special day.

I just want it to go perfectly.

All right, Pop. I'll practice.

That's my boy.

Putrid.

Mmm. Horrifying.

I call spleen.

Mmm...

- Ah, ow... - Wednesday.

Please, no ink stains on the table.

Yes, Mother.

Gomez, everyone we've invited

to the Mazurka has threatened to come.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

All Addamses under one roof again.

Yes, but where will everyone sleep?

We'll have Lurch fix up the mausoleum.

It'll be like sleepaway camp.

Very well, darling.

Uncle Fester!

Brother!

Don't worry, I'm okay.

The plate glass window broke my fall.

Ha! Ha!

Rick'em, rack'em, roar'em, buzz

Addams is as Addams does

I am thrilled you're here!

I'm not late, am I?

Actually, we weren't expecting you for another two weeks.

Huh. So, not late.

I apologize, darling.

You see, I asked Fester to come early

to help Pugsley with his Mazurka practice.

Hey!

No! No!

Bad Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!

If I'd known you were coming,

I would have prepared the dungeon.

Please, don't worry. I'll sleep in the attic.

You won't even know I'm here.

I've practiced that move in a lot of people's homes.

Uncle,

can you tell us what's beyond the gate?

Why ever would you ask that, dear?

I heard a strange noise in the fog earlier,

and I should like to investigate.

There's nothing out there but boring marshland.

There must be something. We never go anywhere.

Who knows the untold horrors we're missing out on.

Darling, we have all the horror

we need, right here.

Uncle Fester can go wherever he likes.

Now, now, there are some restrictions.

You know, I can't go to the mall,

or a zoo, or a building...

When you're older,

you can travel to your heart's content.

But for now, it's safer for you here.

Socrates, come.

...South America, Europe, China,

Asia, most parts of Africa.

I'm allowed in Antarctica!

You're watching

Home, Art and Garden television.

The world's a big place, full of poor souls

who don't know the difference between shiplap and Shinola.

Well, I'm here to help.

I take your uninspired living space

and turn it into the perfect palace of your dreams.

No matter how outdated your design sense, I can help you.

My only flaw?

Sometimes I care too much.

I'm Margaux Needler,

and I'm about to stage a Design Intervention!

You're welcome in advance.

Today, we're putting the finishing touches

on our biggest project yet.

Assimilation.

We didn't just make over a house.

We made over a whole town!

And in just two weeks, on our live season finale,

you will be able to buy

your very own piece of Assimilation.

That's right!

In a Design Intervention first,

we are putting a whole neighborhood up for sale.

This will be your chance to purchase

the house of your dreams

in the town of your dreams!

Sounds good? I thought so.

Welcome to Assimilation, neighbor.

This program brought to you

by Neighborhood Peeps.

Your neighbors are watching!

And, we're out!

Love it. Perfect.

Let's set up for the walk-through.

Margaux, did that feel good to you?

No, Glenn.

We need more balloons, more confetti.

- Roger that. - What are we selling here?

Big dreams. You know how you get big dreams?

- Uh... - With big ratings.

- Got it. - Double the balloons.

And I want a blizzard of confetti.

I want so much confetti that we need

snow patrols to find lost children.

I bet my home improvement empire on this town.

Every house must sell

or we're out of business!

- It's got to be perfect! - Mom!

You're never gonna believe this.

What is it, Parker?

I found a creepy mansion up on the hill!

I'm so glad you're exploring, Parker,

but I don't have time to talk right now, sweetheart.

Mama needs to help people.

I need help. Aren't I people?

Oh, you're cute.

Don't you have Chipper 'N' Cheer practice this afternoon?

Run along, honey.

Now, Glenn, what are the numbers we're expecting?

- Well, if you look here... - Mom!

Ugh!

Left a bit. Up a bit.

Now, down a bit.

Perfect.

And three, two, one...

You made me miss!

Do you know how long it took for me to set this up?

Look, Pugsley...

Your Mazurka's coming up, and, well, you're not ready.

Even if I am the only one who sees it.

So, pay attention,

and you might actually get through this.

Wait.

You're going to help me?

Why?

Because you are my brother.

And... I love you.

All right. How are you gonna help me?

You see that hole over there?

Go stand beside it.

Uh... That hole?

That hole.

Mmm... I don't get it.

Whoa.

Darling, not to criticize,

but is that really as tight as you can make it?

I'm sorry, Gomez.

I'm just a bit preoccupied with the Mazurka preparations.

Oh, I am as well!

I fear Pugsley is overconfident

and doesn't truly understand

the importance of this tradition.

Good news, everybody. Pugsley's gone.

Wednesday, I know that tone of voice.

Dig up your brother. At once.

You're weakening the gene pool.

Hold on.

What do you have there?

I'm not sure. I like it.

It's so... What's the word? The opposite of sad?

Darling, bring that to me.

Strange, there's usually a murderous clown

attached to the other end of these.

Wednesday, don't move!

What, in the name of all that is unholy, is that?

It tastes like cotton candy.

How do you know what cotton candy tastes like?

Tish, it was my youth. I made mistakes.

Wednesday, wherever did this pink thing come from?

Outside.

They're everywhere.

Strangest weather system I've ever seen.

What is that? Where's it coming from?

Wait, wait, wait.

The fog, it's lifting.

Well, that would only happen if...

Someone drained the marsh. But who?

A town. This is not good.

We must go down there

and introduce ourselves at once.

This day is becoming most wonderfully disruptive.

Let's keep going with the run-through, okay?

Welcome back.

I'm so delighted to show you my house.

You can own one just like it, just less large.

Blah, blah, blah. Sconces, crown molding.

Which leads us to what I call the Salon de Grandé.

Cross here, turn, and then say something like,

"Now, before I show you this view,

"go to an antique store,

"buy a chair, and reupholster it.

"'Cause you're gonna wanna sit down for this."

What? What's the matter?

For heaven's sake, what's going on?

Do I have something in my teeth? What is it?

Not a single gargoyle.

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing.

We have been isolated here for a while.

I could really see myself dying here.

Play nice, Kitty.

Well, no one is running at us

with torches and pitchforks, so that's a plus.

You know, darling, I don't think we'll need

to put the family in the mausoleum.

They can stay here!

The family would never be comfortable.

It will be years

before rust and decay set in.

How you doing?

It's all so... different.

Pugsley, don't drink it all.

This gentleman wants some, too.

Sir, it's all right.

He's had all his shots!

What a nervous man.

Come on, Tish, let's explore the neighborhood.

I'm gonna pop in here for two minutes

and I'll meet you in the town square. Agreed?

Very well, darling.

Good day, all.

Don't let me interrupt your cup of joe

or whoever you have in there.

So, what's dark and bitter here other than yours truly?

We have the Madagascar Emerald Peaberry,

in a summer patchouli roast.

It has notes of oak, cherry, and yoga.

Hmm. You know, I'm looking for something a bit stronger.

Ah! Let me try that.

Mmm! Morticia, you have to try these coffee grounds.

They have a wonderful grit!

Just a moment, what am I hearing?

This is where we all belong, yeah

Everybody come together

Sing our song, sing our song

Life is really perfect We are one big family, yeah

Everything is so much better

When I'm like you and you're like me

What's so great about being yourself

When you can be like everyone else?

Wow, that is absolutely horrible!

It's easy to be happy when you have no choice

Yes, it's easy to be happy when you have no choice

Hold on, unless I miss my guess here,

I believe that is supposed to be music.

They're greeting us with

one of their traditional songs.

Well, then, we ought to do the same.

Wonderful idea, Fester.

Isn't it great when we are all together?

Say it again until you believe it

I believe it

We believe it

I'd tip my hat to you

I'd do just that

Take it right off for you, But I haven't got a hat

I'm just a college boy, even at that

I'd tip my hat to you But I haven't got a hat

What? What'd I do?

How rude.

Gomez, we should return home.

Morticia, this is not the old country.

True, these people are a little different.

But deep down, we're all the same.

We have to give them a chance. Get to know them.

We have to win them over.

"Win them over"?

Well, good morning, neighbor!

Margaux Needler.

Gomez Addams. At your service.

My wife, Morticia.

Charmed.

Our children, Wednesday, Pugsley.

And my brother, Fester.

Hey, neighbor!

You know, we can see right into your windows?

Nice to, uh, meet you.

As your neighbor, I'd like to offer you

the opportunity of a lifetime.

How'd you like a free home makeover

from a world-renowned interior designer?

It will be a challenge,

but I can beautify that old house of yours so fast,

it'll make your head spin.

I don't wanna brag,

but mine already does that. Look.

I should like to see what this plastic woman has to offer.

Yes, well... When is a good time to stop by?

Actually, Ms. Needler...

Darling...

Stop by anytime you'd like.

Oh, wonderful! Then it's settled.

I'll see you at your house, first thing tomorrow.

You're welcome in advance! Ta!

That woman seems deranged.

Her face reminds me of a death mask.

"Deranged"? "Death mask"?

You tell me she's got halitosis,

and I'm hearing wedding bells!

Pugsley, this is the Addams family saber.

300 years of Addams

have danced the Mazurka with this blade.

Uh-uh.

Only when you've shown me you're ready.

Your father was the greatest swordsman in Addams history.

His Mazurka was the stuff of legends.

So no pressure!

It's all right here, in the Mazurka handbook.

Every Addams performs this rite of passage

to show that you're prepared to defend your family.

It sounds easy, but believe me, it's insane!

Fester, hand him

the goo-goo-ga-ga baby training sword.

Pop?

Has anyone ever failed the Mazurka?

Once. Your third cousin, Xander.

Never heard of him.

Exactly.

Music!

There's someone at the door.

Hi, guys. I'm going up to this creepy mansion.

If you don't hear from me in 30 minutes, send backup.

You rang?

Yeah, no.

Life's too short. See ya!

Oh!

Good morning, Kitty.

Greetings, Ms. Needler.

Wow.

Good morning! I hope this isn't a bad time.

The worst. Do come in.

Glenn?

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Oh, my! Hmm.

Are you ready for your Margaux makeover?

Quite.

Pugsley's been climbing the walls in anticipation.

Well, well, well!

Let's take a look around, shall we?

And before you say anything, you're welcome.

Now, if we're trying for a more contemporary look,

well, these sconces have to go.

The sconces were a gift from dead relatives.

If we get rid of them,

they'll be terribly hurt the next time they visit.

And this is our whine cellar.

We have a lovely collection of whines.

- Are we there yet? - I want ice cream!

What do you mean you're out of avocado toast?

This barrel makes me look fat.

And here's our bottomless pit.

Uh... How do we get across?

One moment.

We call this surfing the web.

Well!

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm scared to close my eyes.

I'm scared to open them.

How do all those people fit in that little contraption?

My vanity mirror only imprisons 14 souls at a time.

Uh, you don't have a cell phone?

That's weird.

I may not have a cell phone...

Well, you don't have a crossbow,

and I thought everybody had one of those.

Mmm.

My name is Wednesday.

Okay.

Uh, I'm Parker. How long have you lived here?

My whole life. Which seems endless.

I've never seen you at school.

I'm cage-schooled.

- Excuse me? - It's terribly dull,

but my mother insists.

I'm actually cutting cage right now.

Uh, okay.

So, what happens at your school?

Uh, not much, just friends turning on each other.

Girls making other girls feel bad about themselves.

Typical junior high stuff.

Intriguing.

Can anyone go to your school?

I guess so. But who'd want to?

Wednesday!

Great shot!

Mr. and Mrs. Addams, there's really not much to do

to make this place perfect.

All we have to do is pull down the side walls,

and then also break down the other two walls.

Open up the ceiling by breaking it irreversibly.

Just get this nasty little floor out of the way,

and there you go. With just those little touches...

Stop! Right there!

Don't touch another thing!

It's perfect. Ms. Needler, you have a gift.

The good news is I can have a makeover crew up here

and swinging hammers first thing in the morning.

What do you say?

We thought you were finished.

Our whole family is coming in two weeks.

Our finale!

Our finale is in two weeks.

Thank you, Glenn.

It's a gracious offer, Ms. Needler,

but you really have done enough.

It's our son's Mazurka. You understand.

Thank you.

Uh, we're missing Mitch.

Where's Mitch?

Get out!

Mitch who?

Gomez, I'll be blunt.

I have 50 houses to sell down there,

and their view of your property is, well, off-brand.

- Fifty houses? - Yes.

You know, ever since my family

was chased out from the old country,

my one dream has been

to find a place we could call home.

Once they see Assimilation,

I think they'll want to stay for good.

Thank you so much for coming by, Membrane.

It's Margaux!

Well then, run, Margaux!

Run, run, run!

That Wednesday girl is a freak.

We're about to be invaded by a whole army of freaks.

It's tragic when people can't accept

the help they so badly need.

And when that happens,

well, another kind of intervention is called for.

I agree, Gomez.

The whole family moving here would be a dream come true.

But I don't trust that Margaux woman.

She's an eccentric, darling, give her a chance.

"Rasp-berry preserves."

Mmm.

Must be some kind of scented embalming fluid.

Wednesday, practice your lurking

on someone other than your father.

He's too easy.

Much better.

Mother, Father, I'd like to speak with you.

What's on your mind, my little nightcrawler?

I spoke with Parker this afternoon.

She's the daughter of that talking mannequin

who came by.

She told me about a communal school

all the neighborhood children attend.

It's called "junior high."

"Junior high"...

Yes, yes, I have read about those

in my abnormal psychology journals.

Anyone of age can enroll.

I think it would be good for me.

Well, I think it's a capital idea.

What of your studies here?

Your taxidermy is coming along so well.

Mother, would you really deprive me

of the opportunity to torment children my own age?

Ah, she makes a point.

What's more, with Wednesday in school,

we'd get to know the people here even better.

Well, Mother?

Have a good day at school, dear.

Do your worst!

Ah. Now I understand. This is a children's prison.

Who's that?

Great.

This is Wednesday.

Hello.

Hey, Parker.

I got something for ya.

A moldy sandwich?

You're slipping, Bethany.

You know what? You're right.

Let's kick it up a notch.

You have no sense of humor!

- Did you see her face? - I know.

Bethany, is it?

Don't cut your eyes on my crew unless you're ready to dance.

What did you say, little ghoul?

I don't think you understand.

I'm not locked up in here with you, Bethany.

You're locked up in here with me.

Whatever.

What did you do?

You shouldn't have said that.

There's nothing you can do. Bethany's way too popular.

Popularity is fleeting.

I prefer to set my sights

on something a little more challenging.

Like what?

The establishment.

Let's see. Who shall I be today?

How about...

Ah, Shelly Longbottom, on Sugar Ridge Lane.

From Shelly Longbottom to everyone,

"Did you hear

"about those Addams people?" Question mark.

"Someone told me they're wanted in 30 states."

You know they're raising a garden of man-eating plants?

And feeding them our pets!

Has anyone seen my Shih Tzu Fee-fee?

They're gonna turn us all into zombies.

Where are they from anyways?

It doesn't matter!

It's obvious they don't belong here.

Honey! Oh, those awful people up on the hill.

They're not even on Neighborhood Peeps!

Well, that's suspicious.

If other people are scared, then I'm scared.

I believe everything I read.

If someone posted it,

it must be true.

You invite one family in,

then all the families come in.

Do you think we should investigate?

I'm turning grey.

I'm worried for the children!

We need to talk to Margaux!

Open your books. Page 43.

Follow the instructions.

- Yuck. - Oh.

I've done this thousands of times.

Huh?

Flip the switch!

Give my creature life!

Live! Live, I tell you, live!

It's alive! It's alive!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get them off me!

Zombie frogs!

Bethany's changed her look.

It suits her.

Awesome. Totally awesome.

It is an honor...

...and a privilege...

...to watch you work.

Hey. Do you wanna go to the mall?

Why not? I haven't seen a good mauling in ages.

It's late. I'm worried.

Darling, Wednesday will be fine.

She can take care of herself.

It's not Wednesday I'm worried about.

It's the rest of them. We may need to provide an alibi.

My love, it's game night.

Wednesday will be home soon,

so why don't you come and join us?

Oh, very well. F-6.

Pugsley, you heard your mother.

Blow F-6!

Fire in the hole!

I'm king of the world!

Near, far, wherever...

Yes!

You sunk my battleship.

Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!

Hello, my uglies!

Mother! I thought I felt my skin crawling!

Grandma, what a surprise.

I thought you were in Prague.

I was!

They caught me smuggling crocodiles out of the zoo.

But I escaped and talked my way

onto a Somali pirate ship.

We got into a heated poker game

and I cleaned them out.

- Cheating or robbery? - Both!

Always remember, Pugsley,

it ain't cheating if no one catches you.

I haven't bathed in two weeks. Ugh.

Or is it months?

Ha! That reminds me.

Guess what I've got, Pugsley?

- Candy! - Oh, yes!

But the Mazurka isn't for a week.

Why are you here so early?

Gomez said you needed a little help with the party.

And I said, I got my son ready for his Mazurka,

so of course, I'm going to do the same for my grandson.

I love him!

It's true! I sent for her!

I can't believe you bothered

your mother with that, darling.

Neither can I?

He said you were in over your head.

Thank you, Mother!

Said you were more tense than he's ever seen you.

- I didn't say that exactly. - Yes, you did.

You said that exactly.

Said he was worried

you'd have a massive facial expression and...

You know, I'm starving! Let's eat!

Not until Wednesday gets home.

Where is that granddaughter of mine?

I got something for her!

Ah, there's my little storm cloud!

Wednesday, where have you been?

Elsewhere.

What are you wearing?

Parker calls it a pop of color.

While I certainly appreciate a horse

with a spear through its head,

the color is...

She claims it brings out my smile.

Wednesday, you don't have a smile.

Turns out I have a lot of things

you don't know about.

I see I got here just in time.

You were right to call, Gomez.

I'll talk to her. Hand me that bear trap.

Thank you, Grandma. But I will handle this.

Ah, suit yourself.

When you're done with Fabio, send him up to my room.

- Ooh-hoo-hoo. - Oh, boy!

Wednesday.

How would you like to join me tomorrow

after the school for tea and séance in the cemetery?

Is attendance mandatory?

Come now, my little raven.

You did so love it when you were younger.

If you like, Mother.

Sleep well, dear.

Don't forget to kick your father good night.

What's your favorite filter?

I don't know. I look black and white in all of them.

You know, when I met you,

I thought you were super weird.

But now, I think you're really cool.

I concur.

You're not completely devoid of merit yourself.

I wanna say "thank you"...

Oh, how'd that barrette

you bought yesterday go over at home?

Actually, my mother's reaction was, well, unexpected.

She was accepting. It depressed me.

One never wants to see one's mother that way.

But I must admit,

walking around in something so garish, so grotesque...

I was shocked how thrilling it felt.

I wish I could do that.

But my mom makes me wear this stuff,

and it's just so...

I believe the word you're looking for is "unfortunate."

Ugh. I'd love to just go crazy

and wear something that would shock her.

Well, Parker,

you're in luck.

You happen to be talking to the queen of shock.

Hello, Mother.

Where's my little wraith?

Wednesday still hasn't arrived.

We agreed to come up here for tea and séance,

and now it seems she stood me up.

Morticia! Can you hear me?

You're not doing it right.

- Press that button there. - I did! I did!

Did you hear it click?

Morticia!

It's supposed to be on

- when you hear the click. - Wait, I see something.

- You did it! - Hello, darling!

Now, where's my granddaughter?

Just what I said.

I think she's distancing herself from me.

Oh, she's wrapped in a black hole

of emptiness and longing,

like all of us Frump women.

- Wednesday? - It's not Wednesday!

- Who's this? - It's me, Father.

Morticia?

What's wrong with you now?

The world can be so cruel.

And all she wants to do is run toward it.

She's a lot like you that way.

You wanted to see the world.

Find yourself. Serve time!

Listen, Morticia, remember the time

you ran away and joined the Girl Scouts?

We were so worried you were on a bad path.

But when you found out that campfires

were for roasting marshmallows and not other Girl Scouts,

well, you got bored and you came home.

We were so relieved.

Trust Wednesday.

Like you, she'll do the right thing.

Thank you, Father. That's most comforting.

Good. Wait a second.

When did I die?

20 years ago.

Oh, right. Happy anniversary, darling.

All right, Pugsley, let's, uh, go through it again.

You got this, Pugsley. This Mazurka's nothing.

You eat swords for breakfast.

You just got a case of pre-ball jitters.

It's way more common than you think.

If a Mazurka lasts for more than four hours,

contact your doctor.

From the top. Music!

Pugsley,

I can honestly say

that was most definitely a thing you did.

A question, what in heaven's name was it?

The Sabre Mazurka.

You know what? You've been practicing hard.

Why don't we call it a day? Hmm?

Hit the showers, kid.

So, we're finished?

Ah, yes.

Yes, son. We are most certainly finished.

Mmm. Okay. Thanks, Pop.

Thanks, Uncle Fester.

This is a complete disaster! How did this happen?

And he's going to make a fool of himself

in front of everyone!

Gomez, you gotta calm down!

There's still a day to get him ready!

Fester, a year wouldn't be enough to get him ready.

I've failed him, Fester.

I tried to raise him to be an Addams, but I failed.

They're going to eat him alive.

I like it like that Ooh, baby

I said I like it like that

Ooh, baby, I like it like that

All right. Thank you.

Grandma, we already have a band.

They came highly recommended from the mortuary.

Oh.

I'm sure they're good.

My sister Sloom is going to be judging Pugsley.

And if things aren't done the traditional way,

she won't be happy,

and the Mazurka could be a disaster!

But what do I know?

Fine.

Yay, we got the gig!

We got it!

Ah, one more thing...

Oh, someone's at the door. I'd better go see who it is.

What's so great about being yourself

When you can be like everyone else?

Do not speak to your mother that way.

How dare you enter this house like that.

Wait, where are your tattoos?

Oh, thank the stars!

- Where were you? - Hanging out with Parker.

Is this why you skipped tea and séance?

Your grandparents were trying to contact you.

Holy Hades!

Whoever did that to you, Wednesday,

I hope the other guy looks worse.

Nobody did this to me. This is my new look.

Do you like it?

I do not like it.

Everyone knows pink is a gateway color.

I warned you about sending her to public school.

Don't worry.

Wednesday is never going to that school again.

- What? - In fact,

she's never leaving this house again.

Wow, that's some evil eye she's got there.

No, that dead-eye stare is new.

And I think I know where she got it.

Hey, guys, this is me now.

If you like it, hit "like," but who cares if you like it.

I'm living my truth.

Parker?

- Who did this to you? - I did.

This is my new look, Mother.

I decided that from now on, I choose my clothes, not you.

Argh! This is that little creep Wednesday Addams' work!

She's not a creep. She's just not like you.

Why can't you ever let people be different?

Because it's my calling to make everyone the same.

Too bright! It burns!

Good! Maybe it'll burn away the weird!

I hate it here!

Everything's boring and fake and bright,

like plastic flowers!

Like you!

Parker! Plastic flowers live forever.

Now, you go think about that in your room.

With no social media.

No! Please, no. Anything but that!

Now go wipe that depressing goop off your face.

You first!

Oh! Those Addamses have gone too far this time.

I think they're going to need a little more help.

Hey!

Where are you going?

A friend's.

I hold people prisoner, not the other way around.

Good luck with your Mazurka.

Wait, you're leaving?

Who's gonna torment me every day?

Living under this roof is all the torment you'll need.

Besides, our parents have made it clear

that the only way to be accepted in this family

is to be exactly like them.

I can't play by those rules anymore.

Farewell, brother Pugsley.

Tomorrow, you become a man.

And I become a fugitive.

Always kinda knew it'd end up like this.

Just didn't think it'd be so soon.

I'll never forget you, Pugsley!

But I'll try.

Pugsley, have you seen your sister?

She's not in her room.

Mmm...

Pugsley. Where's Wednesday?

Um... Tsk.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, Mother.

You're getting very sleepy.

Pugsley...

She did not go to her friend's house.

She went to her friend's house?

I repeat, she did not go to her friend's...

When the day is long

And the night

The night is yours alone

When you're sure

You've had enough

Of this life

Hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts

Sometimes

I shall be staying with you for a while.

Everybody hurts

If this doesn't work,

the next house we flip is gonna land on you.

Marty, listen to me.

Tomorrow, our finale will be the biggest half hour

your network has ever aired.

There's just one more thing to take care of.

This better be good or you won't be able

to get a job as a doormat.

Yes, yes, yes.

I intend to bring the house down.

When the pimp's in the crib ma

Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

When the pigs try to get at you

Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot

Park it like it's hot

And if a... get a attitude

Pop it like it's hot Pop it like it's hot

Pop it like it's hot

I got the Rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon

And I roll the best... 'cause I got it going on

You rang?

It. Cousin. You made it!

Please, come in. Make yourself at home.

Where did she hide my phone?

I haven't been able

to post a photo of my lunch in almost three days!

And what about in there?

That's my mom's crafting room.

No one is allowed in there.

Then that's where it is.

Weird.

Whoa.

Hidden depths.

What is this?

There's Mr. Haney making a sandwich.

And that guy trying to put a tiny tuxedo on his cat.

- Sit still! - That's Mr. Flynn.

Why are you being so difficult?

Trying to make you

- look handsome. - My money's on the cat.

And there's our science teacher, Ms. Gravely,

putting her underwear in the freezer?

My mom must have built hidden cameras

into all of the houses.

She really is psycho.

- Parker! - Whoa!

Hey, Mom.

We were just looking for you.

What have I told you about Mommy's crafting room?

Sorry to do this, but standards must be upheld.

Parker, someday you'll understand, and, Wednesday...

Well, anyway, Parker.

My mom has a lair and a jail?

I knew I should have picked to live with my dad.

We're gonna be on TV!

Are we gonna be famous?

Glenn, what do you want in the frame?

Okay, everyone, listen up.

It's the last run-through before the finale,

so let's try this one last time, okay?

We're gonna shoot across the town square to the gazebo

where Margaux will make her grand entrance.

So everyone will be walking this direction

across the square.

Judy, you start here,

Ken, you're gonna follow Judy.

You can stand right here and...

Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?

Uh...

Margaux, they're here!

What are you talking about?

They're here!

The Addams family!

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

What are we gonna do?

What we always do, Glenn. Help people.

"The Addams monsters are planning

"to attack the town tonight!" Exclamation point.

"Meet at Margaux's house now."

Mmm? Oh.

Salutations, Addams. We're here!

Petunia, I love what you've done with your hair.

Thanks, I just had it mowed.

Please, come in. Make yourself uncomfortable.

Uncle Onion!

- It's been so long! - Voilà!

Yes, so disappointed to see you.

Ah, you always manage to bring a tear to my eye!

Greetings, Dr. Flambe! How you doing?

- I'm on fire! - Good!

This party's gonna be lit!

Ah, Auntie Sloom.

Auntie Sloom!

You are as radiant as a barrel of nuclear waste.

Where is the boy?

Pugsley?

Ah, there you are.

Come down and say hello

- to your Auntie Sloom. - Ahh!

Gomez, this tradition is not to be taken lightly.

I trust that the boy has been properly trained.

Yes, once you see how we've...

It's bad enough this Mazurka is taking place in New Jersey.

Now, where are the dregs? I'm thirsty.

You've seen them!

You've heard the stories on Neighborhood Peeps!

Those Addams aren't people, they're monsters!

And now, there's an infestation of them!

They're here to destroy our beautiful community

and turn it into a place

that no Design Intervention can save!

Addams aren't wanted here!

They're monsters! They're all monsters!

We need to destroy them first!

Who's with me?

We'll be revealing Assimilation

and all of you to our audience in just an hour.

Our last chance to help these people is now.

Bill, John, do you still have that lovely catapult?

Yes, we do!

Are you sure about this?

We can't let them ruin our neighborhood!

Let's do it!

I want them out!

No one torments my family but me.

Hair clip, please.

Okay.

Cage school 101.

He'd better be ready

or Auntie Sloom will have his head!

He looks very small.

That kid's got some big shoes to fill.

I certainly hope the boy's ready.

Well, I'm not going easy on him.

Heads up.

Hey, alto, you're flat.

Sloom.

- Sister. - Darling, I...

I know the last time we saw each other,

we had that horrible fight.

And I just wanted to tell you, from the bottom of my heart,

I won that fight! And I was glad I cheated!

You won? Still a sore loser, as always!

I want a rematch! Right here! Right now!

Auntie Sloom? Can I get you anything?

When's the Mazurka?

Soon, soon.

Our daughter Wednesday isn't here yet.

If your daughter can't be on time,

then we will begin without her!

Very well, Auntie Sloom.

Attention, please. Attention!

The hour is upon us.

Places!

We gather today to witness my son, Pugsley Addams,

perform his Sabre Mazurka.

He will begin with a reading from the Terror,

which commemorates our cries in battle.

And now, the transition into manhood.

And now, the Sabre Mazurka.

Hold still.

The Addams mustache.

Now you're ready.

Pugsley?

I give up.

I can't do it, Pop.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I let you down.

You haven't let me down, Pugsley.

I let you down.

I was so focused on doing things

the traditional way,

I forgot to let you be who you are.

Hey!

Are ya ready for your Margaux makeover now?

It's Margaux.

She must have turned the whole town

into stark raving lunatics.

Well, I have to admit, I admire her work.

Let's do this thing!

It's locked and loaded, Margaux.

Let's go get 'em! We've had enough!

Fire!

Get out!

Pugsley!

What is the true meaning of the Mazurka?

It's about protecting our family

from those who would do us harm!

Go ahead. Show 'em what you're good at.

All we have to do is pull down the side walls!

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me You're messing with my family

Everyone, follow my boy!

Hey, guys!

You might think that we are all loco

But this family is about to go global

Fire!

Shakalaka bang, baby!

Quick! Out this way!

Pop, I'm out of ammo!

We're trapped!

Hope I'm not crashing the party.

Wednesday!

Yeah!

Ichabod, quick, lower your branches!

Everyone, grab on!

Margaux Needler never stops until the project is complete.

Fire in the hole!

Mazurka!

Is everyone all right?

No limbs missing that weren't missing before you arrived?

My little raven, I'm so happy you returned.

Of course I came back.

I knew there was no way

you were going to save yourselves.

You are like weak baby squirrels.

Socrates.

Eight legs, nine lives.

You were right, cara mia.

People can be cruel.

What have we done?

They're just a family.

A family?

Oh, please! They're a bunch of monsters!

Don't go soft on me, people.

I will relish hounding you

until that nuclear waste dump of a house is gone

and your mutant family along with it! Ah!

Be careful what you wish for, Ms. Needler.

My family and I will never run from the likes of you again.

Deep breath, Margaux.

Okay, I have a finale to shoot.

Parker, let's go.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'm staying with my friend.

Your friend?

Parker, these people are freaks.

If they're freaks, then I'm a freak.

And so are all of you.

Exhibit A.

Ms. Gravely, you put your underwear in the freezer.

Hey, it's refreshing, okay?

Exhibit B. Trudy Pickering.

You sit on the toilet backwards.

Well, where else am I supposed to put my arms?

Wait, how did you know that?

Because your houses have been infested with Needler-Vision.

She has hidden cameras everywhere.

What?

And watches you all of the time.

In my private time?

That is creepy, actually.

- What else has she seen? - That is over the line!

Shut up!

Listen, you lemmings! This is my town.

You are nothing but a bunch of extras.

We are going to march down that hill and do a live show.

I expect you to convince

those brainless peons out there in the audience

that this is the perfect place to buy a house,

or none of you will be living here much longer.

- Do you hear me? - Actually, Mom,

everyone can hear you.

You've been live this whole time.

Three million people are watching you right now.

The real you, for a change.

Please, what do I care what a bunch of bloggers think?

Margaux?

What?

It's the network.

They're taking your show off the air.

What?

No. I'll be... I'll be bankrupt.

Who will buy all these houses?

Okay, watch this. Now's my chance.

Excuse me, I just tooted.

Furthermore, I think I can help you

get rid of those houses.

- What are you talking about? - Well, my dear,

you've got a bunch of houses you need to get rid of,

and I've got a bunch of family I need to get rid of.

Hello?

Excuse me. I'm Trudy.

Trudy Pickering. We... We never officially met...

Ah, yes. The toilet woman.

Right.

Listen, uh, please, give us a chance to make it right.

Let us have our own design intervention.

Mother,

I spent time with these people,

and it is true, they are odd.

But we shouldn't judge them

just because they're different.

- Have a wonderful day! - Whoo-hoo.

And there you are.

- Bye-bye. - Thanks! Bye!

Well, hello there!

Howdy, neighbor. How's the new house?

Oh, I love it. I hope you brought your umbrellas.

Oh, you put in a typhoon. What a great idea.

Don't forget the gift basket, silly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got scented embalming fluid,

toes, teeth, a fruitcake,

rat bait, got some dried apricots...

He's like training a puppy, adorable but tiresome.

She's the woman of my dreams!

Her breath is like a baby's diaper.

Fester, stop!

Who would have thought a guy like me, a total zero,

would have ended up with you, an also zero?

Well, do come in!

Now, with the house rebuilt, Pugsley,

we can throw you the celebration you deserve!

You are Addams through and through.

Get out!

Oh, how lovely. The spirit's home.

Finally, back to normal.

We did good.

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

They're creepy And they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

There house is a museum

Where people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick You can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Family, family

I'd go to war for my family

Ups and downs Wrong or right, it's family

They think that we crazy

They say that we crazy, can't handle it

My back on the wall Who I'mma call, my family

We different, we stick out Wig out, bug out

Pop out, hop out Go

Ball out, hey Show out

A'ight, this a party

Let's not make a problem No!

Why you looking at me like there's something, tell me

You should know it's not just me that you'll be rubbing

The wrong way, so you better think twice

You shouldn't mess with me You don't want to mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me You're messing with my family

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't want to mess with me

No!

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

Ay, ay, ay, ay

You might think that we are all loco

Ay, ay, ay

Don't mess with my family

But this family about to go global

We blowin' up!

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Don't mess with my family

A'ight, this a party Let's not make a problem

No!

Why you looking at me like there's something, tell me

You should know it's not just me that you'll be rubbing

The wrong way

So you better think twice

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me, you're messing with my family

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You're messing with my family

- Yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah

Don't mess with my family

No!

Ay, ay, ay, ay

You might think

That we are all loco

Ay, ay, ay

But this family

About to go global

They say that we mean Mean

They say that we rude Rude

They say we got problems Problems

But we say it's cool

Family, family

I'd go to war for my family

Ups and downs Wrong or right, it's family

Ay, ay, ay, ay

You might think that we are all loco

Don't mess with my family

Ay, ay, ay,

But this family is about to go global

There's no bell

When you call for me

You'll be falling for miles

I'm bewitched by your misery

But I love it when you smile

Let me know what you want from me

Whisper "love" in my ears

Before you try to get your hooks in me

I should warn you, my dear

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in, you ain't getting out

It's the trap you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows, ain't no doors

No escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream, but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

Haunted house

Watch yourself when you walk to me

Careful where your heart treads

Suddenly, you'll be in too deep

You'll be caught up in my web

You will think of me constantly

And it will drive you insane

Like the tattoo you can't remove

Like the blood in your veins

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in, you ain't getting out

It's the trap you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows, ain't no doors

There's no escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream, but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted - Haunted house

Yeah

- It's a haunted house - Haunted house

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