Original subtitles

Irv.

Looks like your hunch was right, Mr. West.

Look at this list.

Every 20 minutes, a known member of the syndicate

goes in there with a bag.

Five minutes later, he comes out empty-handed.

Norbert Plank in there?

Plank. The bookkeeper?

Right. Yes, sir.

How many men do you figure are in there?

Three or four.

I'm going in.

If I'm not out in two minutes,

Artemus Gordon's at Fifth and Pier.

Thanks, Irv.

Are you sure this is all of it?

Yes, sir, Mr. Plank.

That's the lot.

It isn't nearly as much

as I expected.

I'm not quite sure that our employer

is going to be satisfied as easily as you.

But what can I do, Mr. Plank?

Well, I suggest you go out and find out what happened

to the rest of the money.

How can I do that?

Well, that's not my problem, is it?

Now, get out of here. I've got some work to do.

Yes, sir.

Forget something?

Yeah, Norbert. I forgot you.

Now, you get up slowly, Norbert,

and you won't scream as we walk out this door.

You're making a considerable mistake.

You can't do this.

I'm doing it, Norbert.

What happened? It's a trap.

It's okay. Good.

Welcome to the Diamond Horseshoe, stranger.

Thank you, ma'am. The sign outside says,

"Rhoda Ransom, prop."

That's me. What's your pleasure?

Well, right now, I'm looking for the sheriff.

That's him.

Joe Baggs.

Thank you.

Sheriff. Joe, this is Mr...

West. James West.

He's here on business.

What's your poison, Mr. West?

Draw, five-card stud or...

Government business.

Are you a fed?

That's right.

Well, what do you want?

Him.

His name is Norbert Plank.

He's wanted for murder in San Francisco,

and I had information that he was in Epitaph.

Well, your information is right, mister,

or at least it was.

That's him, isn't it?

It sure is.

He was around town for a few days.

He just left his morning.

Took the early stage for Ridge City.

Seemed to be in a hurry to get out of town.

And looking at this, I can see the reason why.

You hurry, you might be able to catch him in Ridge City.

Thank you, sheriff. My pleasure, Mr. West.

You better get word to the boss. The feds are after Plank.

There was a fed named West here looking for you.

Rhoda, my dear, your books are in a deplorable state.

Deplorable.

Norbert.

I'll, be glad to do what I can

to straighten them out while I'm here,

but, you really should hire a competent bookkeeper.

A man who knows what he's doing.

Norbert, you've got to get out of town.

I was sent here to hide out.

The orders I brought you from our mutual employer

were that you were to give me refuge and protection

from the law.

He didn't know the federals were after you.

Rhoda, dear, do you know what our employer will do to you

if you let anything happen to me,

or must I tell you?

Good.

Now, as I was saying, Rhoda, dear,

I'll be happy to, straighten out your accounts

as long as I'm in Epitaph.

And what if West comes back?

I am back.

Now, now, now, now...

Come on, Plank.

It would be very easy for me to kill you.

Drop your gun, amigo.

Okay, se�or.

I'll get Baggs.

Stop him! Stop that man...!

The boss will be here in the morning.

Let's let him decide what to do with him.

Put him in jail tonight.

Who is this hombre,

this big boss we work for?

He's the big boss, that's who.

Recognize him, colonel?

David Desmond.

Right. More popularly known as Diamond Dave.

Well, the man may be a bit flamboyant, Gordon,

but he's a respected financier.

He's the head of the entire territory-wide crime syndicate.

With the money made from that operation,

he's just put it into honest industries.

I know. I read about it in the papers.

His, last acquisition was some mining company.

That's right. Epitaph Mines Incorporated.

Yeah, that's it.

Which owns and controls the town of Epitaph.

Well, so what?

Colonel, you think it's just a coincidence

that the bookkeeper for the entire syndicate

should use the town of Epitaph

to hide out from a murder charge?

You mean David Desmond might be harboring

the bookkeeper for the syndicate?

I don't mean might be, I mean he is.

One Norbert Plank.

I don't believe it.

Jim's gone there to pick him up on the murder charge.

That bookkeeper and his books

are the key to smashing the entire syndicate, colonel.

I see.

And you and Jim plan to grab Plank before Desmond does?

Well, we're sure gonna try to.

I have a strange feeling that, ridiculous outfit

has something to do with the whole thing.

Well, it certainly does.

And just who are you gonna be this time?

An itinerant character I know named Hallelujah Harry.

Hallelujah Harry's my name.

Saving's my game.

And from what I know of Diamond Dave Desmond,

he's gonna need a lot of saving.

Help! Somebody!

Help!

Somebody! Help!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three...

Four.

Help! Help!

Save your breath

and save your life.

Now, give me your other hand.

Now, put your shoes on.

And just how do you think

you're going to get me out of town?

That's my worry. Put those shoes on.

And worry you should,

because when Constable Baggs

discovers you've escaped from his jail,

he and his men will block every possible avenue of escape.

You will be, trapped behind enemy lines, so to speak.

I said put those shoes on.

Okay. Okay.

If you, think the good people of Epitaph

will aid a federal agent in the performance of his duty,

I advise you now to forget it.

You see, Epitaph is a company town,

and since the livelihood of every miner and businessman

is dependent on the company

of which Constable Baggs and I are employees,

they are not likely to encourage displeasure

by aiding you in your attempt to, shall we say, kidnap me.

You are alone in Epitaph, Mr. West.

Completely and utterly alone.

I get the picture.

And it doesn't dismay you?

No.

A couple of you check the livery stable.

The rest of you come with me. We got to see if Plank's okay.

Are you still undismayed, Mr. West?

Plank, open the door.

Something's wrong.

Yeah. You better get Baggs.

Plank! Plank! Open up!

All right, break this door down.

Break it down!

Well, it looks like West got him.

All right. Now, you listen.

I want this town bottled up so tight

that even a bug couldn't get out of it.

If the boss finds out about this, it'll mean our hide.

All right. Let's just move out of here.

Monk!

Yes, sir? Get out there

and see what's holding up that stage.

We'll never be in Epitaph in the morning this way.

Bless you, brother!

Bless you, and peace!

Hallelujah Harry's the name, saving souls is my game,

although I can tell from the look of your face

that you are one of those sweet people whose soul doesn't need

any prayer at all to be saved,

which brings me to the thought...

Perhaps you might be willing to make a small contribution

to my missionary work amongst the Hopahakis,

a deserving tribe of our Indian brethren.

How about it, sir?

Care to make a small contribution?

You want me to throw him out, Mr. Desmond?

How about you, Mr. Des...?

Desmond?

Say, now, hey, you wouldn't happen to be...?

By golly, you are Diamond Dave Desmond!

Why, your generosity's absolutely legend, Mr. Desmond!

Legend.

Well, I like to help out now and then, yes.

I tell you, your goodness is equalled

only by your modesty. Yes, sir, I tell you,

the Hopahaki's would be eternally grateful to you

for any little thing you might care to give them.

Well, fine. Fine.

Now, who do you think you're kidding?

I know all about you.

You're no more a preacher than I am.

You're just a two-bit con man, aren't you?

Yes, that's right. That's what... That's what I am.

Fooling those poor little suckers

with that contribution talk, aren't you?

That's right. That's right, Desmond.

No hard feelings, now. No hard feelings.

Yee-hoo!

The stage is coming, Mr. Desmond.

Well, let's get going. It's about time.

Mr. Desmond. What is it?

Your stick pin. It's gone.

That's not all that's missing, either, brother.

My watch.

And my wallet.

A man should have more than one way

for bringing in the sheaves, I always say.

Hey, you. Come over here.

Well, sure.

Here you are.

I like you.

You got talent.

Well, thank you.

I like, talented people around me.

How would you like to come to Epitaph?

Epitaph, brother?

That's something we all gotta come to sooner or later.

Epitaph's a town I own.

It's got a nice little church there.

No preacher. How'd you like the job?

What do you mean, have a congregation all my own?

A whole flock for me to shepherd?

That's right.

Why, I tell you, it'd be the answer to my prayer.

The answer to my prayer, Mr. Desmond.

That's a higher calling... What's it pay?

Forty percent of the take out of the collections.

Seventy?

Forty.

Sixty. Fifty.

It's a deal. Let's go.

And bless you, brother. Bless you.

Bless you. Yes, sir. Hallelujah!

Please, get away from here.

You don't know what can happen to anyone who helps you.

Buenas noches, amigo.

Put him down.

Carefully.

Come on, you guys!

Forget him.

He's gotta be around here somewhere.

Shh.

Stay down.

You move, I'll blow your head off.

Mr. West, please,

I want to help you.

I do.

Let's go to my room. We can talk there.

We can talk right here.

All right.

Do you want to help me?

Yes. Why?

Well, you, You need horses to get out of town.

I can get them for you.

Why?

When a girl, does a favor,

she should get a favor.

Like they always say, quid pro quo.

I didn't know that's what they always said.

But what exactly is it that you want?

Five minutes alone with Norbert Plank

before you take him away.

Why would a girl like you

want five minutes with a guy like him?

He's not such a bad guy.

As a matter of fact, he's, um...

He's kind of sweet after you get to know him.

The girl that got to know him in San Francisco, he killed.

Look, I... I just want to say goodbye to him.

How about it?

Let me put it to you this way...

Open up! Desmond.

Who?

Wait, wait. What about Norbert Plank?

Rhoda, open up!

Mr. Desmond. What the devil

is going on here? Where's Baggs?

Sheriff Baggs has problems.

Go get him. What problems?

It'll go down better with a drink. Come on in.

I sent Plank here for you to keep an eye on,

and you let a fed steal him right out from under your nose!

Why, I ought to...

If that fellow West gets him back to San Francisco,

that little crumb will never stop talking.

But what does he know?

Names, numbers, dates, places.

He knows enough to put us away for 20 years.

You know that? Now, what did he do with the books?

Books? What...? What...? What books?

The company books!

I... I... I don't know.

Hey, don't look at me.

Come on. We got to find him.

Mr. Desmond. Yeah?

Okay, come on.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Get out of there! Get out!

Hey, peace, brothers. Peace, peace.

Sure trying to get out.

Trying to get out as fast as I can.

Giddyup. Giddyup, there. Come on. Giddyup, there.

Giddyup!

Come on.

Nice of you to drop in, Mr. West.

I never did get an answer.

Quid pro quo, remember?

I do you a favor,

and you give me five minutes alone with Plank.

It doesn't take five minutes to say goodbye.

It does for me.

But it might take you that long to convince Plank

to tell you where the syndicate books are hidden.

Well, why would you be interested

in such hot merchandise?

Insurance.

Against what?

Against the day Desmond sees a woman

he likes better than me.

And knowing Dave, that could happen at any given moment.

What about the diamonds he's given you?

Isn't that insurance enough?

Desmond doesn't give diamonds.

He just lends them.

When I go, they stay. Unless...

You've got the syndicate books to blackmail him with.

I... I'm sorry,

but the federal government has better use for those books.

No five minutes alone with Norbert?

Not five seconds.

Goodbye.

Just a little precaution against amorous drunks

wandering up from the saloon,

or thieves with designs on my jewelry.

Did you find him? Not a thing.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Rhoda?

Help!

Help! Help!

Where is he, Mr. West?

You're wasting your time, Desmond.

I hope not. You see, I'm a very patient man,

but I've learned over a period of years

that it's a luxury I cannot afford.

All evidence to the contrary.

I find that the race is to the swift.

Say, Mr. Desmond, I...

Have a seat.

Now, where is he, Mr. West?

How about me talking to him, Mr. Desmond?

Later, perhaps, Monk.

I have a proposition that might interest Mr. West.

Plank is wanted for murder in San Francisco.

What could the law do to him there

that justice-loving men can't do to him right here in Epitaph?

Now, you turn him over to me,

and I give you my word that he'll pay for his crime.

That way you'll save yourself a long and troublesome trip

back to California.

Even Plank's entitled to a fair trial.

No problem. I promise you that he'll have

a scrupulously fair hearing before he's hanged.

Before that, you'll get the books he's been keeping

for your organization. No deal, Desmond.

Now, Mr. Desmond?

I'm gonna give these men 10 minutes to find him.

After that, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to use

more persuasive tactics.

All right, get going.

Now, you give them a hand,

and take this town apart board by board if you have to.

Yes, Mr. Desmond.

Where are you going, preacher?

What?

I say as shepherd of the flock,

I should go out and join in the search

for a lost sheep.

Well, where's the church?

And there's the steeple.

Open the door.

One minute, Mr. West.

Hey, Monk, how about the church?

Good idea, brothers,

but I already saved you the trouble.

There's no one here.

There's... There's no one here, you know.

No one.

See? Told you there was no one here, right?

You won't be upset if I don't believe you.

You mean up there? I already been up there. No one there.

Sure.

I really have been up there.

Hey, Monk!

The federale, he escaped again.

What?

Hi, Artie.

Jim!

I want to welcome you to Epitaph.

Thank you very much.

We got to get Plank out of here before it gets dark.

Yeah, we will. What about the syndicate's books?

Did you get them?

I haven't had a chance to talk to Plank about that yet.

Boy, you're getting more absent-minded every day.

Look what you forgot back there at the saloon?

Thank you. You're welcome.

It's a cinch he's got them stashed somewhere.

Now, if you were a set of books, where would you hide?

Dave, darling, they're just not here.

Well, they're somewhere.

Come on. We gotta find them.

What were you doing up there?

Why, looking for you, Brother Desmond,

like the good shepherd that I am.

What for?

Why, to convey an idea to you so monumental,

so cunning of design, that I tell you

it has to be the handiwork of some handmaiden of Satan's.

Listen, it occurred to me that wherever West is hiding,

it's quite obvious that he can see every move

you and your men make.

That's how he can stay a jump ahead of you all the time.

So, what about that?

Well, suppose you gave him the impression

that you'd given up, you and your associates?

All of you leave town, like you believe

that he'd already gone out of Epitaph with Brother Plank,

and you were deserting the country

in order to avoid, arrest.

I... I don't get the point.

The point is a Trojan horse, you danged fool.

Well, the point is the Maccabees and the Romans.

You just leave Epitaph long enough

to embolden West to come out of hiding.

And the minute he does...

Then we grab him. Right.

Why didn't one of you dummies think of that?

Well, they ain't students of history, brother.

Yeah. You're my kind of man, preacher.

I don't think so, Mr. Desmond.

That's him.

That's the sinner that stole my wagon

just two miles from the April Valley stage station.

Well, who are you?

Hallelujah Harry, and that's the mug

that stole my wagon just two miles

from the April Valley stage station.

No, that's ridiculous. I've had that wagon

for over six years.

That wagon is two years old,

and if you don't believe me,

look at the year plate under the step.

Well... Well, there... There... There must...

There must be some kind of mistake, then, that's all.

And you made it, brother.

Now I know why he didn't want us to look into the church.

No, it was because,

I been up there looking myself, that's all.

Bring him along.

Hey. Now... Now... Now... Now, you're maing a...

Go on, boy.

You're making an error, all of you.

Let's set fire to it, Mr. Desmond.

Burn him out.

And risk killing Plank

before we find out what he did with the books? Don't be stupid.

No, we've got to think of some other way.

All right, West,

I would prefer to avoid bloodshed,

but I resort to it if I must.

Your colleague here will be shot to death

before your very eyes

if you don't give up in 60 seconds.

Do you hear me, West?

Sixty seconds.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Would you deny a condemned man one last small pleasure?

Twenty seconds, West.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so. Let's go.

There I stood like an idiot with a match in my hand,

and the page stayed white and untouched

as the driven snow.

Blank. Completely.

Well, naturally, I was confused,

and then I remembered some research I had done on Plank.

You know, before he became a bookkeeper for the syndicate,

he was a sideshow attraction in the P.T. Barnum circus.

A sideshow attraction?

Memory expert, you know.

Billed as "The man who can't forget."

All the syndicate's records were right up there.

Okay, then. Yeah.

Rhoda would have been terribly disappointed.

I'll bet.

How about that, Artie?

Desmond caught trying to cross into Mexico with his gang.

That's fine, fine.

Artie.

What's that?

What's that?

That's...

That's just some records I took off of Plank.

Well, then Plank did keep some records.

Well, yeah. He kept some records.

Well, Artie, it's... It's not like you

to withhold evidence.

"Louise Long, Palace Hotel, Denver.

"Emma Anderson, 104 Post Street,

"San Francisco.

Rhoda Ransom, Diamond Horseshoe, Epitaph."

Well, we can forget about her, of course,

because she's been arrested.

These are the names and addresses

of women all over the country, Artie.

I figured, you know,

if we get a couple hours off and we're stuck somewhere...

Artie, you know, that's what I like about working with you.

You're always thinking about our future.

Thank you, James. That's real kind...

Jim, can I...? Can I have the...?

Ar... Artie, let me hold it for you.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

I got plenty of room in my pocket.

There's no need for you to hold it...

It would be my pleasure. I know,

once you get ahold of it, that's the last I see of it.

I'm sure you've looked at it. I have looked, but I...