Original subtitles

A pity- he whistled so beautifully.

My lovely mother- the good Lord rest her-

was particularly fond of that melody.

She worshipped music-

a saint in a world so imperfect.

Now, Voltaire, put me over there,

if you would be so good.

Did you buy me a peashooter?

Uh-huh.

Might I see it, please?

Oh, charming.

And now the jewel box.

So tiny and yet so powerful.

Just imagine, merely six of these

could destroy a whole city block-

a pea bag full, an entire city.

Now, hold it gently, Voltaire.

We don't want to be blown to kingdom come.

No, don't... don't... don't be afraid.

Just think of it as if it were

no more than an ordinary pebble.

Now, watch.

In a few moments,

Professor Neilsen will be coming down that gangplank-

too far away for us, alas,

but he will be coming closer with each step,

until finally he gets into range,

and that will be the end of Professor Neilsen.

And with this...

I can't possibly miss.

Do I look like Professor Neilsen?

Oh, come on, Jim,

you're really not going through with this.

I think glasses give me

a rather distinguished look, don't you, Artemus?

You're setting yourself up as a clay pigeon,

an open target.

We can't take any chances with the professor.

He's as hot as his invention.

Fine, then let's give him

a bodyguard of armed men

until we can get him and his papers

delivered to Washington.

No.

We have to bring into the open

whoever is after the professor.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

he's waiting for me in his cabin.

All right, you make your point.

But I'm not letting you out of my sight.

Oh, yes, you are. Uh-uh.

You've got to check out the railroad station.

I'm going to take the professor

and his secretary to the hotel,

and then we're going to leave in the morning as scheduled.

Will you at least let me escort you to the carriage?

You worry too much, Artemus.

Now, get moving.

It's not you I'm worried about.

I just don't like

to break in a whole new partner.

Come on, Neilsen.

If there's anything I can't stand, it's a dawdler.

You ready to go to shore, Professor Neilsen?

But, Mr. West,

you're not Professor Neilsen.

I am now, Miss Lundquist.

At least for the next few hours.

Well, why the masquerade?

There are people who would like to stop the professor

from working for my government.

So, Mr. West,

the Secret Service man,

is now Professor Neilsen,

and I am his butler.

Shall we go?

We sent the luggage ashore,

except for your hatbox, Professor.

You'd better give me

a few seconds to look around.

Yes, sir.

Now, Voltaire, the glass pellet.

That's not Professor Neilsen.

Don't worry, I'm not going to bite it.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

There he is with the hatbox.

The carriage is this way, sir.

Excuse me, Miss.

Oh...

Oh, my yarn.

Away, Voltaire, away.

That'll be all, thank you...

for now.

Yes, sir.

You feeling all right?

Why would anyone want to hurt the professor?

He was so kind.

You been his secretary for long?

Five years.

I just can't believe he's dead.

I felt so close to him.

You may be closer than you know.

Whoever killed the professor may be itchy about you, too.

Lock your door.

You mean I'm in danger?

Well, maybe in more ways than one.

All I can be is killed.

That's no way to die.

Can you suggest a better way?

Well, we could try the restaurant downstairs.

Well, just give me a chance to freshen up.

I'll be in the next room.

You're not to leave here without telling me.

Nowhere without telling you-

I promise, Mr. West.

For you.

Mr. West?

It's me, Miss Lundquist...

uh, Greta.

I'm, uh, still too upset for dinner.

I was wondering if, after I change,

we could take a short walk first.

Of course, Miss Lundquist.

A walk should be very healthy for both of us.

What'll you do now?

Where will you go?

I don't know.

I... I have nobody, nothing.

Oh, yes, you do.

You've got me.

Let's just call it "protective custody."

How protective is protective custody, Mr. West?

Greta?

Greta!

What do they think this is, hunting season?

Well, you'd look pretty funny stuffed over a mantelpiece.

Get in.

Don't touch that!

As a matter of fact, I'd be very careful

with that whole armrest if I were you.

Specially designed coach,

which I made just for your use, James.

I'll brief you on it later, if you live that long.

Now, what about Neilsen?

When Neilsen told Washington he had discovered

the most powerful explosive known to man,

we thought he was the only one that had the secret.

Obviously wrong now.

The man that killed him must have it, too.

And he's going to be very unhappy

unless he's the only one that keeps it.

He's unhappy about you, James.

With you walking around,

there's always a danger that you might foul him up.

He'd like to see you dead before you find out who he is.

It's not my life I'm worried about, Artemus.

With an explosive like that in the wrong hands,

one man- just one man-

could bring a whole nation to its knees.

What happened to you?

Oh, I was, uh, frightened.

I ran to get help.

Like an undertaker?

No, I... I could see you were in trouble.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

Not to be made a monkey of.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

That makes two of us.

Going someplace?

Yes, this place frightens me.

I just want to go someplace and hide.

Now, hiding out can be pretty lonely.

Remember your promise not to go anyplace... without me?

Yes, I know, but, uh...

I think it's better if I go alone.

What if I told you the professor gave me his secret

before we got off the ship?

That's not possible.

The professor didn't tell anybody.

I've got it in a nice, safe, comfortable place.

Well then, why come to me with your papers?

I'm not interested in them, your government is.

Except I don't want to share the papers with my government.

But I might... with your friend.

What friend?

I don't have any friends here.

Too bad.

Well...

I guess I'll just have to shop around

to the highest bidder.

France, Prussia, England - makes no difference.

Mr. West.

It's such a foolish request.

It's like a death wish.

My friend... can be very angry.

He loves his privacy.

He might even be angry with me for bringing you.

Trust me.

He can be very dangerous.

I can take care of both of us.

Yes, I think you can.

Suddenly I'm being convinced, my smavarmt.

Smavarmt?

That means a nice little warm dish.

You know, to nibble on before the main course.

Dinner will have to wait.

My coach is waiting.

We'll use my driver, darling.

Your driver.

Now take me to your killer.

It's all right, Voltaire.

Thanks.

This is the doctor's regular hour

at the game room,

but he should be finished by now.

Oh, it would be so easy.

Pop, pop.

Thank you very much.

I'm ever so grateful.

Ah, Greta, you've done

what I was unable to do.

You've brought Mr. West...

but with one serious oversight.

You've brought him alive.

However...

Welcome, sir, welcome.

I'm Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

Somehow I have the feeling

you know all about me.

Oh, my, yes.

But then, I'm a man of huge curiosity.

I love to pry into things.

I have almost a loathing

for unanswered questions.

And you, just by being here, raise

the most fascinating questions in my mind.

Oh, won't you sit down, please?

Greta, will you pour?

That's lovely, Antoinette.

She has such a delicate touch, you know, like tickling.

Milk, Mr. West?

No, thank you.

Oh, plenty of sugar in mine, please, Greta.

You know, that's one thing I have no hypocrisies about-

my pleasures.

No man does, darling.

You admire my music salon, Mr. West?

Well, as much as I can see of it.

Oh, how tactful you can be.

Well, at the risk of my being tactless,

I don't think Greta's charms-

considerable though they may be-

were sufficient to bring you here.

Greta is impulsive-

yes, passionately so- but she's not stupid.

What wiles did you play on her?

Professor Neilsen's secret.

Well, I admire your courage.

The way you expose yourself to danger-

like last night, when you put yourself

in Professor Neilsen's place

coming off the boat,

and the way you've come here unarmed.

You are unarmed, aren't you?

Would you like to search me?

Oh, no.

I never subject my visitors to such indignities.

It's never gentlemanly or necessary.

Yes, I can see that.

I thought so.

Now, you were saying something

about Professor Neilsen's secret.

Oh, there's a fly in my tea.

Oh, poor fellow.

You know, uh, poor Professor Neilsen

really was a second-rate chemist.

After fumbling about for ten years,

he finally stumbled onto the secret,

while I took three months from my other projects,

three whole months of my valuable time,

mind you, to invent it...

then, after all that trouble, found that Professor Neilsen

was planning to sell it to Washington.

Don't worry, you're going to be all right.

So, can you blame me for being quite peeved,

Mr. West?

I understood that Professor Neilsen

was going to work with the government,

perfecting it for peaceful purposes.

Peaceful purposes!

An explosive like that

in the hands of politicians and generals?

What kind of peace can you expect from the likes of them?

They're vermin- they ought to be exterminated,

every one of them.

Oh, all right, I hear you.

You'll be all right.

Oh, that was lovely, Antoinette.

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring me little water now ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket now ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring me little water now ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket now ♪

♪ Bring it in a bucket, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while ♪

♪ Sylvie, Sylvie, I'm so hot and dry ♪

♪ Sylvie, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring me little water ♪

♪ Can't you hear me calling ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring me little water now ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while ♪

♪ She brought me plenty coffee ♪

♪ She brought me plenty tea ♪

♪ She brought me almost every darn thing ♪

♪ But she didn't bring the jailhouse key, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Didn't bring the jailhouse key ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Bring me little water now ♪

♪ Bring me little water, Sylvie ♪

♪ Every little once in a while. ♪

Oh, that was lovely, Antoinette.

Thank you.

Miguelito is really

very tender-hearted.

Sometimes he is like a child.

Sometimes he is a saint.

I love to make beautiful things, Mr. West...

with my voice, with my hands, with my brain.

Someday I'll show you

some of them in my laboratory,

if you're still around.

I'll make it a point to be.

Now, you were saying something

about the professor's so-called secret.

I have them.

He gave me the papers.

Hmm.

At last, a small light begins to glow

in the dark corners of my benighted mind.

And, Mr. West?

And...

I'm not the idealist the professor was.

Ah, a realist.

Practical.

Practicality, my dear sir,

is the last refuge of the mediocre, not you.

A pragmatist, perhaps.

A pragmatist spelled m-o-n-e-y.

Oh, of course, and the precious document

is in the hands of a trusted friend,

with orders to turn it over to the proper authorities,

should anything untoward happen to you.

That's the general idea, mm-hmm.

James West, trusted Secret Service man, a turncoat.

It boggles the brain!

Why?

Of course, they do pay poorly,

and you're hoping I can be more generous.

You or, uh, some foreign government.

You mean you would sell this remarkable invention

to a foreign government for money?

I'm ashamed of you.

I'd prefer to sell my papers to you.

You know, I have an enormous amount of faith in human nature.

But then all faith must have a little doubt mixed in,

don't you think?

Otherwise it's just flabby sentimentality.

So you will permit me a small doubt, Mr. West?

Go ahead.

A small test of your loyalty

and then perhaps we can negotiate.

Agreed?

Agreed.

I want you to take a message to the governor-

something I've had in mind for many weeks now.

Your status as a Secret Service man

may serve to impress upon him

the enormous importance of this message.

I'm beginning to enjoy this already.

Mr. West, you may be a godsend after all.

What's the message?

All this... once belonged to my grandmother,

Doña María Concepción de Vega,

and to her brothers and to their wives.

I am the only one of her descendants left.

The Spanish crown took it,

and now that the state of California owns it, I want it back.

But the state refuses to return it- piracy.

It's mostly desert.

Even if they did give it back to you,

what would you want with it?

I only want to do good-

not for myself, for children.

I want to build a kingdom for children to grow,

to be strong and healthy in a world without pain.

And if the governor refuses?

It's up to you to convince him, Mr. West.

I already have planted explosives in this city

that will kill 5,000 people tomorrow night

and an additional 5,000

every week after that until he agrees.

It's in your hands, my dear friend.

Here is the governor, Mr. West.

Governor, I'm sorry

to interrupt your party, sir.

Well, the government before state, Mr. West.

What can I do for you?

Well, what I have to tell you

isn't going to be easy to swallow.

Try me.

5,000 people in this city are going to be blown up.

Five thou...

Uh, Mr. West, do all Secret Service men drink on duty?

Governor, I said 5,000 people are going to be killed.

Governor, you forgot your wine- our wine.

And you promised me the next waltz.

Why, um...

Uh, uh... why...

Why don't you lovely ladies go inside and wait for me

and I'll... I'll be along in just a moment, huh?

Go ahead.

There's a powerful explosive hidden somewhere in the city

timed to go off tonight.

And who is going to perform this miraculous deed?

A scientist named Dr. Loveless.

Why?

He feels he's been robbed of half the state, and he wants you

to give it back to him.

And you expect me to do this?

No.

I expect you to give me 25 men to surround his estate,

so no one can get out

to set off the explosion.

Well, surround him?

Well... well, why not just go in and take this madman?

Anyone that tried would be blown up.

The place is mined.

Miss Piecemeal... get me a pen and some paper, please.

Mr. West... this is an authorization

to the commander of the state army.

Miss Piecemeal, will you affix

the state seal to that, please?

Good luck.

Thank you, Governor.

Are you always this amusing?

I do the best I can.

Why don't you find me amusing?

Because you're 80% water.

Mr. West.

The good doctor calls.

My coach, gentlemen?

Marcia, lovely.

How are you?

How did you enjoy your breakfast

this morning, darling?

Hmm?

Excuse me, lovely.

I know the governor is an idiot,

but I had wanted to give him a chance,

and you, Mr. West.

But you betrayed me.

Now, whatever am I going to do with you?

Is there any question in your mind?

Oh, the explosive will go off as planned.

You could have prevented it, but you chose to betray me.

Me- of all people, me.

Now, look about you, Mr. West.

I promised to show you these things one day.

This little invention of mine

may seem like a fairy tale to you,

but with this I can project and receive voices and music

through the air.

Just think of the pleasure and enlightenment

this can bring to countless people.

And this...

To anyone else, this would seem only like mold, bread mold.

But this is a medicine so potent

that with it one can begin

to conquer all illness, Mr. West.

And over there, a machine that one day

will travel over roads by its own power,

and there, a machine

that will fly through the air.

Yes.

All these things I built

for a better world, Mr. West.

And you wanted to stop all this

by trying to go to the police.

I just can't believe it.

Come.

My explosive.

With this I can move mountains

and change the course of rivers,

blast channels for the waters of life to flow into dry deserts.

I can make a world without blemish,

where children can grow up in beauty.

Oh, how I hate any twisted thing, Mr. West.

I've lived so long with pain, I no longer feel it.

It's time to go into the city.

I'll have Greta bring you some supper.

What's to stop me from just walking out of here?

I do admire your courage.

By 12:00 tonight,

5,000 people will be dead because you betrayed me.

The blood of 5,000 people on your hands.

I want you to realize this terrible thing you've done.

I want you to suffer.

After you've suffered enough, you will beg me for death.

I brought you some supper.

I can't use my hands.

Are you going to let me out of here?

No.

I'm going to feed you.

Like this.

Excuse my fingers.

They're beautiful fingers.

Nice little warm dish before the main course.

Naughty.

More, please.

You like my smavarmt?

Mmm...

I love your smavarmt.

It's been lonely here with Miguelito.

It's going to be a lot lonelier

after I'm dead.

I know.

It isn't fair

to a beautiful woman like you.

You know some women die early from being unloved?

I know what you're trying to do.

You want me to let you out.

But even if I wanted to, I couldn't-

I don't have a key.

There's a pencil in my coat pocket.

Get it.

No.

After I'm dead, it may be a long time

before another man comes along.

Get it, Greta, get the pencil.

No.

I'm the lucky one, Greta-

he's going to kill me,

but you still have to go on living here.

Beautiful face will wrinkle,

those lovely hands will wither,

and your heart will shrink from loneliness.

Poor Greta...

an old woman... and unloved.

This is your only chance for love, Greta.

That's what you want, isn't it?

Just turn it.

That's it...

Now, put the drill right here.

Right here, Greta.

That's it.

The guards are watching.

Keep drilling and feed me.

Where did Dr. Loveless hide the explosive?

In the, uh, clock tower in a church

next to the governor's mansion.

Where are the stables?

Near the east wing.

I'm almost finished.

There... it's cut.

Take the tray and leave.

Don't worry, you'll be all right;

I'll come back for you.

The great Jim West.

Pretty, isn't he?

Yeah.

You?

Now, that bullet will go right through me

and detonate these bottles.

Besides, you don't have the heart

for killing someone like me.

I don't.

But if it's a choice

between you and 5,000 people,

I'll pull this trigger.

Now, don't be a fool, Mr. West.

I can go right through that window

and down the rain gutter.

There are only a few minutes left.

You go near that window and I'll shoot you.

Take the wires off those bottles.

No.

I said take the wires off those bottles.

You can't make me.

Then we'll wait here together.

Oh, I, for one, am not afraid

to die, Mr. West, not in the very least.

That's my walking stick.

Now, you leave that alone!

Only a minute to go, Mr. West.

Oh, careful you don't fall, Mr. West.

Less than a minute to go, Mr. West.

That's the striking mechanism of the clock

you hear winding up now.

Less than a minute to go now.

On the 12th stroke of midnight,

everything goes.

Darn you!

Come on!

Oh, start.

Start!

Drat it! Start!

Oh, start.

Start!

Seven...

Eight...

You meddler!

You interfering meddler!

You...

vile... egregious...

Secret Service man!

Oh, Artemus, there you are.

Yes.

We were just about to have a late supper.

Yes, so I notice.

Everything go all right?

Oh, fine, fine.

He's in jail.

Strange, little, sensitive man.

You know, he walked into that cell

carrying just one thing-

this oddly shaped glass tube.

Couldn't get it out of his hands.

Oh, yes, that's another of his inventions.

What was it?

I don't know.

Kept saying that, given enough time,

he could send pictures through the air,

catch them in that tube.

Have you ever heard of anything that silly?

Supper.

Oh, good.

What is it?

Smorgasbord.

Smorgasbord...

My favorite food.

Wonderful.

You know...

the one thing about smorgasbord...

it's marvelous...