Original subtitles

You, uh, getting taller, Bob?

As a matter of fact, I amJerry.

I woke up this morning, I was 6 foot 5.

Come on, Bob. Where's your desk?

It's being refinished, but that does nothing to alter the fact that I'm 6 foot 5.

Uh, listen- Uh, Bob, Carol's been hinting around for a raise.

What do you mean, hinting?

Well, yesterday she wanted to borrow money for lunch.

Later on she asked me if I knew a good recipe for gruel.

This morning she came in and said, “Give me a raise, or I quit.”

- That's pretty good hinting. - She's already the highest-paid receptionist in the building.

- I say no. - Did you tell her that?

No.

I told her that she could have the raise...

but she'd have to talk to you first.

Jerry, why didn't you sweeten the pot with a savings bond?

- Never thought of that. - All right. I'll tell her.

Be firm, Bob. Be firm.

You want Roquefort or Thousand Island on this?

I'm sorry, Bob.

That's breakfast, that's lunch, and that's dinner.

Oh. Hi, guys.

Well, uh, Carol, I did what I could. The rest is up to you.

- Now, about that raise- - You know, Carol...

you may not be aware of it, but very often when somebody wants a raise...

they're depressed about something else.

Like the time you fell off your diet, and you wanted 1 O more dollars a week.

I had to buy more food.

When your sister got married, you wanted $15 more a week.

- Had to buy a wedding present. - Carol, I don't thinkyou need the money.

I do, Bob. I'm self-supporting.

I'm alone, you know.

- It's men. - What makes you think that, Bob?

Just because I had another blind date last night, and he turned out to be a real turkey?

Carol, if you don't like blind dates, then why do you go out on them?

[Sighs] I don't know, Bob.

It's just hard to say no to your friends, you know?

They think they're doing you this big favor.

No offense, Bob, but Emily's fixed me up about 1 O times...

and her taste in men is the pits.

Well, I- I can think of one exception.

I can't.

Carol, you'rejust gonna have to make it clear to your friends...

that you're not gonna go out with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

And Steve and Bill and Bruce and Augie.

Augie?

Well, Bruce wouldn't go anywhere without Augie.

Look, Carol, you'rejust gonna have to learn to say no, even to your friends.

Well, that's what I'm gonna do, Bob.

I'm gonna tell 'em as far as blind dates are concerned...

they can just forget about Carol Kester.

I can find my own men.

And I don't need favors from anybody, especially my friends.

- Good. - Bob, about that raise-

Uh, no, Carol. And, uh, I say that as a friend.

Door Closes 1

- Hi, honey. - Hi, dear.

Oh, good. You brought me a stick.

- It used to be a plant. - Take my word for it, Bob. It's a stick.

Emily, take this. See what you can do with it, will you?

Oh. Fine.

- I could have done that at the office. - You should've.

Oh, Bob, guess who called today.

- I don't know. - Larry Bondurant.

- Who? - You know,judy Bonduranfs brother.

Who cares?

What's for dinner?

Bob!judy Bondurant was my best friend. Remember?

- No. - Sure, you do.

I roomed with her when I first came to Chicago. Now you remember?

- Nope. - We taught at the same school- the one with all the gangs.

The kid with the machete threatened her life.

Nope.

Bob, she drank scotch and milk, and drove a pink T-Bird.

- No. - Short hair.

Short hair.

OK cause. mm Bmduvam.

Emily, I have never heard of her. What's the point?

- Her brother is flying into Chicago. - Well, let's meet his plane.

Well, anyway, he's being transferred to Chicago...

and he doesn't know a soul in town, sol thought I'd fix him up with-

- Not with Carol. - With Carol.

Definitely not. I talked to her this morning.

She is fed up with blind dates. Besides, you don't know anything about the guy.

I spoke to him on the phone. He's charming, he's well-mannered.

He has a great sense of humor, and he is absolutely gorgeous.

How can you tell all that from one phone call?

I have a good ear.

Listen, Bob, I think they'd make a terrific couple.

Bob, quick- Turn on your set. I'm on TV.

Where's your clicker? Where's your clicker? Where's your clicker?

- You don't need a clickenjust turn the knob. - Oh, yeah.

- Where's the sound? Where's the sound? - It takes a minute to warm up.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I don't say anything anyway.

There I am! There I am! That's me landing at O'Hare.

Very nice. I like the way the plane bounced.

Wait till I tell you who I met on the plane. Miss Bicentennial.

- Wow. - There she is! There's Miss Bicentennial.

- Theta' s Betty Xm. - Raw; Kw“?

That's not her real name, Bettyjim. Her real name is Elizabethjim.

Howard, wh-whafs she doing?

Oh, yeah. She's presenting an honorary bowl of grits to the mayor.

She's a terrific girl. She's interested in planes.

- Oh, really? - You know what she said to me?

She said, uh, “What a cute cockpit.“

You know what else she said?

She said, “This plane is like a movie theater in the sky flying over the land we love.

“L love this land and this plane...

and movie theaters.“

[Sighs] Wow.

- Howard, where are you? - Oh, that's me right there.

That's my window. You can see the top of my hat.

Man On TV] That's the way it was at O'Hara International Airport this afternoon.

Wait a minute. This bulletin just in-

There's a possibility that life has been discovered onjupiter. It seems-

- [ Dial Clicks] - Well, that's all there is of me.

I'll, uh- I'll see you.

- See you, Howard. - Howard, there may be life onjupiter.

Well, it doesn't matter. We don't fly there anyway.

How about that, Bob? Huh? There may be life onjupiter.

- Great. You can fix Carol up with it. _ Oh_

I really don't understand why it bothers you...

that I'm trying to help Carol find somebody nice.

Emily, any blind date you've ever arranged has wound up disastrous.

Bob, I think Carol would like Larry.

Emily, why do you always have to fix up Carol?

Because you won't let me date.

I wouldn't even bother calling her. She has had it with blind dates.

- Oh, really? - Really.

Well, then how come she said yes when I asked?

All right. If you thinkyou're so smart...

see if you can bring that back to life.

I-I don't want to hold, I've been holding for five minutes.

My desk was supposed to be here today.

H a rtl ey. Hart/ey.

As in “Peg of My Hartley.“

No, no, no. That's “Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart.“

Look,just bring me my desk. All right?

♪♪ [ Sustained Note]

Nice. Hartley?

- Uh, yes. - Here's your organ.

- That's- That's not my organ. - You didn't recognize it 'cause it's been refinished.

No, there has to be some mistake.

- Aren't you Drjonathan Hartley? - No. I'm Dr. Robert Hartley.

Then this isn't the First Methodist Church?

- No. - Oh, geez.

But it says right here, “First Methodist Church...

seventh floor, Rampo Medical Arts Building.“

Right there.

Look, let me, um- Let mejust take a wild guess.

Did you deliver a desk to a big building with a cross on the roof?

Yeah, that was our first call this morning.

It's gonna be awfully quiet in that church Sunday morning...

unless the organist knows how to play “Onward, Christian Desk.“

Come on, Walt. We'd better get this straightened out.

- Aren't you gonna take this? - No. We gotta talk to the dispatcher first.

Hey, we don't move things capriciously, you know.

Otherwise things get screwed up.

I presume you don't want the baptismal font either.

No.

Ah,jeez.

Jfl Random Notes]

♪♪ [ Continues]

Bob?

- They sent this instead of my desk. - Oh, this is great.

We can build a little bar around it- you know, for happy hour.

- Think we could? - Get it out of here, Bob.

- Where's Carol? - Emily fixed her up on a blind date last night-

It's 10:30 already, Bob. Look, there's no coffee, no doughnuts, no sweet rolls.

- You call this a business office? - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

Oh, great. The organ came.

- Carol, it's almost lunchtime. Where the heck you been? - Picking out my wedding dress.

You're gonna have to come up with something better than that.

- That's the dumbest excuse we've ever heard. - Not if you're getting married.

- You're not getting married. - Then why am I picking out my wedding dress?

Beats me. You're crazy.

Wait a minuteJerry.

Carol, you- you aren'tjoking, are you?

Bob, there are two things I neverjoke about- raises and getting married.

- Who's the guy? - Oh,jerry, he's the most wonderful man I ever met.

His name wouldn't by any chance be Larry Bondurant?

I thought it was Gary.

- It's Larry. - Well, I am getting married.

- You're kidding. - No. This Saturday at city hail.

Of course, if I had known you were gonna get an organ...

we could have held the ceremony here.

Thank you. Anyway, they say that life onjupiter doesn't look like people.

It looks like, uh- You know, kind of like green mold-

the kind you'd find on cheese.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, Bob.

Emily, could I speak to you alone for a minute? Howard, you don't mind, do you?

No, no. Go ahead. Use my apartment.

Well, you were gonna find out soon enough anyway.

- About what? - Carol's getting married Saturday.

- Who told you? - Carol.

Is she really getting married?

To a guy she met on a blind date last night.

Gee, I didn't get an invitation.

Well, I introduced them. See, I knew sooner or later...

I'd find the right man for Carol.

- What's he like? - According to Carol...

he has the most beautiful smile...

the bluest eyes and a dimple right here.

[Chuckles] That is exactly the way he sounded on the phone.

I had a parakeet who looked like that.

Emily, Carol isn't even sure of the guy's name.

Oh, honey, those things will come in time.

My parakeefs name was Barney.

Barney Borden.

- Wow. - Howard, we're not talking about parakeets.

- We're talking about total strangers. - Yeah. Who is this guy anyway?

Oh, he's the brother of a friend of mine- Judy Bondurant.

You knowjudy, with the pink T-Bird and the machete.

- The one with the patch over the eye? - No, Howard.

Oh. I must be thinking of a differentjudy Bondurant.

- Do you know where this guy is? - Yes, I do.

He is in Seattle taking care of his affairs.

Yeah, he's getting in a couple last-minute flings.

Emily, I wouldn't count on this marriage coming off.

Bob, why are you so negative? Aren't you happy for Carol?

Of course I am. I just don't want to see her hurt.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go out and get a present.

Hey, I know. I'll get 'em a parakeet.

Howard, a parakeet is not a very good wedding present.

- Why not? - Well, it's not very personal.

I'll have it engraved.

No. I'm- Listen, I'm positive you delivered the wrong desk.

Well, I can tell because this one has gum under it.

A-And somebody carved “Gordie F. Loves Sally P.“

No, I loved Patty V.

And, uh, mine didn't have a water gun in it.

Well, I-l had a water gun, but the Fletcher twins took it off me at recess.

Look, I'm sure you don't want to hear about this-

Well, most of the kids had gone back into school...

and the Fletcher twins and I were just there on the- on the-

Look,just bring me my regular grown-up desk. All right?

Bob, this wedding thing tomorrow is really inconvenient.

Do you know I've had to call off my tennis game all because of Carol?

She's really being selfishJerry.

Yeah. Besides that, she was supposed to come in tomorrow and help me with the billing.

Bob, she's not serious, is she? Why is she doing this anyway?

Maybe she wants to get out of doing your billingJerry.

She's never gonna get married. She's already broken off two engagements.

Well, those were different. She knew those guys.

Mark my words. It's only a matter of time before this whole thing falls through.

Knocks

OhJerry, I didn't know you were here. Uh, excuse me, Bob.

Could I talk to you for a minute on a matter of a personal nature?

I was just leaving.

Carol, tomorrow's gonna be a wonderful clay for all of us. [Chuckles]

Mark my words.

Do you, uh, want to sit down?

Thanks.

You don't, uh- You don't seem very happy, Carol.

Oh. I'll be okay, Bob. just that nothing ever works out for me.

I don't understand it.

Well, you know, Carol, it's better that, you know, you get out of it now...

rather than be unhappy the rest of your life.

What do you mean?

Well, you don't have to be afraid that somebodys gonna put you down...

you know, for canceling the wedding.

Who's canceling the wedding?

- Well, I-l thought you said- - No.

My parents can't make it. They said I cried wolf once too often.

Oh. I- I thought the whole thing, you know-

Sure. Sure, Bob. You and everybody else.

Nobody believes I'm finally gonna make it to the altar.

Well, you're wrong.

Well, I-l knew that.

You know, I just, uh- I just wanted you to be...

absolutely sure, Carol, that this-

Oh, Bob.

Come on.jeez, I thought if anybody would be on my side, it'd be you.

Well, I-l am on your side, Carol.

Ifsjust-l guess I'm being a little, you know, overprotective.

I just- I just want you to be happy.

I know.

I think a lot of you, Carol.

I think a lot of you, Bob.

And that's why, now that my father can't make it...

I wondered if you'd give me away.

Well, gee, I-You know, I- I don't know what to say. You know, I'm-

-I mean, I'm- I'm honored. - Oh. Thank you, Bob.

I mean, that- that- You know, that's really nice of you, Carol.

What- You know, what do I have to do?

Oh. Well, you know the part where the judge asks if there's any objections?

- Yeah. - lfanybody opens their mouth, you deck 'em.

Bob, what time is it?

Carol, it's still only 1 O minutes after 2:00.

Well, that's it. At least we got a chance to get all dressed up.

Oh, honey, he probably just got stuck in traffic coming in from the airport.

His plane landed three hours ago.

Don't worry about it, Carol. He's going to be here.

[Whispers] Two-to-one he doesn't show, Bob.

Hi, everybody. Well, do I get to kiss the bride?

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- I'm not the bride yet, Howard. - Ah, but you will be any minute, Carol.

Make that 4-to-1.

Well, I feel kind of silly dressed like this- you know, out of uniform.

- You'll look nice on the cake, Howard. - [Chuckles]

Howard, what's in the bag?

Well, I thought somebody should bring the rice to throw at the bride.

Oh, Howard, that's so sweet.

Yeah, well, I, uh, couldn't get rice, sol got tapioca.

Uh, what time is it, Bob?

- Carol, it's 2:1 I. Now relax. - I'm relaxed. You're looking at a relaxed person.

- Well, uh, maybe he missed his flight. - I think I'm gonna throw up.

Carol, let's go over there and sit down. Come on.

- Let's take the dress back. - No, no.

Think he, uh- Think he missed his flight?

I doubt it, Howard. He's a travel agent.

I wish I were a travel agent. Get free flights.

Howard, you work for an airline. You fly for free anyway.

Oh, yeah.

Think there's somewhere around here I could change my clothes?

- What for? - Ah. My tennis shorts are riding up on me.

I figured this guy wouldn't show up.

I could get a couple of sets in.

- Have you boys seen my fiancée? - Are you getting married?

Yep. Seventh time. The other six are six feet under.

That's 36 feet.

You a bandleader?

- I'm a navigator. - I thought so. What band?

Ah. Here's Lila now.

This one may bury me.

Bob, why isn't he here?

Honey, you have the judge from 2:00 until 2:15.

- Yeah, we- we have- we have lots of time. - What time is it?

- 2:14. - Oh, boy.

Fmjudge Tanner. Where's the Bondurant-Kester party?

Well, it's at my apartment after the wedding, but I don't remember inviting you.

The, uh- The groom's a little late.

Ah, honey, I'm sure he'll be right here.

Well, I can give you a couple of minutes, but we're reallyjammed up.

I've got to keep to my schedule.

Bob, if he's coming, I gotta get more franks.

He can have mine, Howard.

Let's get out of here, We can play some doubles. What do you say?

NoJefW-

[Sighs] So tell me, Carol-

What are your plans for your honeymoon?

Oh, well, we got a discount trip tojapan- through the travel agency, you know?

And we'll be seeing the temples and the Kabuki theater and the Sony factory.

Great. You can have fun doing that all by yourself.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to go ahead with the next wedding.

If the groom shows up-l mean, when the groom shows up-you can arrange another time.

- We have something available next Tuesday. - C ou/dn 1:' we just-

- I'm sorry. Who's next? - We are.

- Well, let's go. I don't have forever. - f don 1:' exit/vex:

- Well, that's it, folks. - Maybe something happened to him.

Yeah. He changed his mind.

Look, Carol, there are a lot more fish in the ocean, you know.

[Chuckles] That's right, Bob. Who needs him anyway?

- Me. - Ah, come on, Carol. You still got me.

Want to go play some tennis?

- I'm not dressed for it,jer. - I am.

[Sighs]

Carol?

This is him.

This-This is him. Oh-

- Bob, go get the judge. - Oh. Oh.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late. Can you believe it?

Me, a travel agent- I made out my ticket wrong.

Ended up in Cincinnati.

Boy, I guess I was really nervous.

I'm getting married,you know. Whew!

I thought maybe you'd changed your mind.

Are you kidding? You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Hi. I'm Howard Borden, and I heard about you and your sister-

No. Howard. Not now.

- Hi. I'm Emily. I'm the one that's- - Not now, Emily.

Uh, he says he can do it, but we have to do it fast.

The other couple's ready, so we're gonna have to do it out here.

Which one is the couple?

- Well, guess. - Oh, yes. Champing at the bit.

- Are we ready? - 0h, I can't believe it'; really happening.

[Chuckles]

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to,“ um-

“state of matrimony“-

- “put asunder“- . Um_

What happened to the part about the objections?

We don't have time for objections.

Good. I wouldn't want to have to deck somebody.

Okay, let's get to the meat.

Top of page 55. “Do you, Gary"-

. Ba FW- . La FW-

“Your lawfully wedded wife to live together in a state of matrimony?

Will you love, honor and keep her as long as you're both living?“

- I will. - “Do you, Carol, take this man as your husband...

“to live together in a state of matrimony?

Will you love, honor and keep"- [indistinct]

- I will. - Ring, please.

Oh, my God.

L, uh-l left it in Cincinnati.

Get it later. “By virtue of the power vested in me...

“I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.“ Pay the cashier on the way out.

- They're married. - Thanks very much.

Emily, I think this worked out real great-

- Yeah. - but you have to promise...

you're never gonna fix up any more of our friends.

- And if I do? - I'm gonna have to deck you.

[ Mews]