All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s03e23 - Emily Hits the Ceiling

- Emily, I'm home.
- I'm in the den, Bob. Be out in a minute.

Oh, uh, honey, there's something
for you on the couch.

My kids made it in class.

- This?
- Yeah.

- You like it?
- Yeah. It's nice.

- What, uh- What is it?
- Well...

it's a head mitt
for your golf club.

Oh. I'll- I'll try it on.

It, uh- It was their final class project.

Tomorrow I hand out the report cards,
and that's the end of the school season.

- You sound like you're sad.
- Well...

you know, it has been my best year.

You know, this could make
my golf game less noisy.

You know, they're a great bunch
of kids, Bob. Oh, Bob...

today we broke the school record
for the fire drill.

How'd you, uh-
How'd you manage that?

Well, uh, remember we used to go down
the front stairs past shop?

Well, now we went down
the back stairs and out the south door.

Anyway, Mr. Pottinger, the vice principal-

he said we cut 21 seconds
off the previous school record.

I guess your record is safe until fall,
and then they'll be gunnin' for you again.

Bob, since you're dusting,
could you catch that table leg?

Well, the kids are throwing a farewell party
for me tomorrow.

- Gee, I'm really gonna miss 'em.
- Well, happens every year.

What's that saying-
“No more pencils, no more books“-

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- I'll get it.

“No more pencils,
no more books“-

- Oh, Mr. Pottinger.
- “No more teachers' dirty looks.“

- Uh, Bob, you remember Rex Pottinger.
- Oh. Oh, yeah. The principal.

Vice principal- although someday,
if I keep my nose clean, who can tell?

- [Chuckles] Come on in.
- Thanks. Oh, I've got news.

- Guess what happened in school today afteryou
left? - Someone broke Emily's record.

Oh, no. That's not likely to happen
during our lifetime.

But my news is exciting nonetheless.

Camp Thundercloud is about to become
a reality. I got my permit today.

Oh, really. Oh, that's wonderful.
Come on in. Sit down.

Bob, Mr. Pottingefs dream has always been
to open a summer camp of his own.

That's right. Since I was a kid, every night I had
this dream where I married Brigitte Bardot...

and then we opened
our own camp together.

I'm surprised you got
to the camp part.

Well, anyway, Emily,
I have a proposal to make.

- I want you to be my “Honcho?
- Honcho?

Yes. Oh, it's a nickname
for camp administrator.

Yeah. We'll all have nicknames.
It sounds silly, but the kids love it.

See, I'm the swimming counselor,
so I'll be called “Flipper?

Uh, then there's the camp cook.
She's called “Shingle?

We plan to go through
a lot of chipped beef.

Uh, I don't get it.

You'd, uh- You'd get it
if you were in the army.

So what do you say, Honcho?
We really need you.

Well, I-

Gee, I'd really like to spend the summer
with the kids, but...

I don't think I can- I can take
that much time away from Bob.

- Yeah. She's kind of“Honcho“ around here too.
- [Chuckles]

I'm sorry. Yeah, of course,
we want Dr. Hartley too.

Most of us go in couples.
The nights get pretty chilly.

Oh, well, I couldn't take off for-
for a whole summer.

It's just the last two weeks injuly.

WelLJulyis my-
my busiest time of the year.

Well, honey, couldn't
you kinda rearrange your schedule?

Well, um, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, wonderful.
“Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah.“

That means,
“Welcome aboard my canoe.“

Oh.
[Chuckles]

Wait. Wait a minute. I'm, uh-

I'm not sure I can “Nah-mo-kah“ at all.
Um, what would you need me for?

Well, we need counselors in sports...

- and you look like you're probably a
darned good athlete. - Oh, he was.

He wasjunior varsity in baseball.

- Um, varsity. Two years.
- Oh. Excuse me.

You can be Spitball.

Well, l-l'll think about it, but, uh,
I really don't know if I can arrange things.

Well, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Bob, Honcho-

“Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah.“

Uh, “Gitche Gumee.“

I don't know, Dr. Hartley. It was probably
the most creative thought I've ever had.

Great idea for a game show-
and all the networks turned me down.

- What, uh- What was it called?
- Tug 0' War; USA.

We were gonna take the cameras
all over the country...

and have celebrities
try to pull each other across state lines.

- And that- And that didn't sell?
- They're all nuts.

Mr. Plager, um,you know, you're
a wonderfully creative person, but...

have you ever... thought about
getting out of show business?

All you need is one hit show.

But you've always said,
television is such a- such a rat race.

That's it. That's a great idea.

- What's a- What's a great idea?
- A game show called The Rat Race.

We- You, like, build a maze
with a starting gate...

and get a bunch of rats,
paint 'em different colors...

and have celebrities bet on 'em.

It's a natural.

Well, I'd- I'd watch it.

Of course, I don't know how indicative
lam ofthe- the viewing public.

Oh, you're perfectly normal.
I mean, everybody loves rats.

Um, could you put a lid on this?
I don't want my idea stolen.

Well,wild, uh-wild rats
couldn't drag it out of me.

Intercom Buzzes]

Yeah. Yes, Carol.

Oh, fine.

Uh, Mr. Pottinger?

Sorry. Uh, Flipper?

L-I haven't had a chance to-
to check my schedule yet.

No. I wouldn't mind being switched
to, uh- to basketball coach.

Uh...

“Bob the Stilt."

Well, fine. I'll, uh-
I'll get back to you.

- [UP/fig] - Um, Carol, could you,
uh, check my schedule injuly?

Emily and I are going to camp.

- Camp?
- That's right.

Okay, Bob. Uh, do you want me to order
some name tags for your shorts?

I guess not.

Just, uh, check my schedule,
would you?

Oh, sure, Bob.
Oh. All ofjuly looks really tough.

You know, in addition
to all your regular patients...

you're supposed to go away for that weekend
with your “fear of humidity” group.

- Hi, Bob and Carol.
- HLJer.

HLJerry,
Nice, uh- Nice golf duds.

Oh, yeah. Well, I was just down at Golf Land,
you know, hittin' a few buckets of balls.

- Bob's going to camp.
- Oh, really?

Then you've overcome
your fear of salamanders.

Jerry, not- not as a camper. Emily and I
are gonna sorta help run the camp...

if I decide to go, which-
which I haven't.

Aw, you don't wanna go to camp, Bobby?
Miss all that great stuff-

poison ivy, bed-wetting,
chigger bites.

I remember when I went to Girl Scout camp.
Oh, wait till you hear this.

We swam across Lake Veronica
in our undies...

to surprise the guys at the Boy Scout camp.
[ Laughs]

Well, the really funny part of this...

is that they weren't surprised at all.

They were expecting us.

Well, when are you goin', Bob?

- The last two weeks injuly.
- Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. Wait a minute.

July 20th- that's when we're goin'
to Willy Wylerman's golf clinic.

- No. That's August 20th.
- No. Thafsjuly 20th, Bob.

Remember, we didn't wanna wait
another month, uh, correcting your slice?

And you already paid
a hundred-dollar deposit.

I got too many things
I gotta take care of.

No. I-l can't go.
I'll have to call, um, Honcho and Flipper.

Why don't you call Donder and Blitzen
while you're at it?

Door Closes 1

- So, uh, what happened?
- What do you mean?

When you swam across the lake?

Oh, we swam back.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

It's really a perfect place
for your son, Howard.

I mean, it's gonna be a complete camping
program-you know, swimming, tennis, boating.

Well, I'd love to go, but, uh, my ex-wife wants
Howie to go to Camp Heidi again this year.

- The one in Switzerland?
- Yeah.

- Wasn't that awfully expensive?
- $5,000.

- Course, that includes yodeling.
- Uh-huh.

- My ex-wife wants Howie to yodel.
- Why?

Well, because it's good to know
another language.

But I- I'd like him to learn something,you know,
he can use when he grows up, like archery.

- That's my specialty.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Howard...

uh, how would you like to be
our archery and Indian lore counselor?

Indian lore?
I love Indian lore-

except that, uh, story
about Pocahontas andjohn Smith.

“John Smith.“ Who does he think he's kidding?
We've all used that name before.

Howard, how would you like to be Iron Bow
and go to camp with Howie?

Hi, honey. Hi, Howard.

- Uh, call me “Iron Bow,“ white eyes.
- [Chuckles]

Bob, Howard may be our Indian lore counselor.

Oh, uh, Emily, I tried to reach you this afternoon,
and- and you weren't home.

Oh, I was with Mr. Pottinger. We were working
on the brochure. Bob, it is really shaping up.

Well, this may change the shape a little bit.

- L, uh-l can't go.
- Why?

My schedule is- is loaded injuly.

Oh, honey,
I'm really disappointed.

Well, my patients need meJuly is a very
humid month, and I have that golf clinic.

- I thought that was in August.
- No, it was changed, and I, uh-l forgot.

Look. I don't, um, want to inhibit
your argument. I, uh-

Howard, this-
this isn't an argument.

Look, there's a very simple solution.
I was thinking about it on the way home.

I mean, it's only for a couple of weeks,
and, uh, it's something you want to do...

and I'd be away
one of the weeks anyway, so, uh...

why don't you just go by yourself?

Wait a minute, Bob,
Wait a minute.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Let me tell you what happened when
my ex-wife and I went on separate vacations.

We never got back together.

Sounds like, uh-
like the same thing.

I'll just, uh, leave you with that thought.

- Is that what we're doing, Bob?
- [ Door Closes]

No, Emily. This is, uh-This is something
you want to do and something I can't...

and it'll only be a couple of weeks.

Aw, thank you, Bob.
It's really important to me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
It's not the same thing.

When my wife and I went on separate vacations,
she went with another guy.

So there's nothin' to worry about.

[Squeaking]

Bob, what's that whistling noise?

Oh. It's, uh- It's this.

It's for strengthening your golf grip.
It's recommended by, uh, Willy Wylerman.

- [ Squeaking]
- Well, why a whistling dog?

Because the singing ones
were too expensive.

Wanna hear me play “Heartaches“?

Bob, I'd really like you to listen to
my Camp Thundercloud sales pitch.

- Oh. Pitch.
- Yeah. And I'd like you to look at the slides.

- Go ahead. Slide.
- Okay?just hold this up to the light...

and I'll describe it to you.

- You're gonna have a projector though.
- Yeah, and a clicker.

- Ah.
- Ah. Uh, thank you all for coming.

- It's a pleasure to be here.
- Oh.

Our first slide is that of the entrance
to Camp Thundercloud.

It says, “Welcome?

No. It says,
“Stuckeys Pecan Pralines, 12 Miles.“

Right. When you get to that sign,
you've gone too far.

- This is the baseball field.
- This is a swamp.

Well, it's gonna be the baseball field.

Well, a lot of games are gonna be called
because of crocodiles.

Well, it's gonna take a lot of work,
and we know it...

but it's worth it,
and we're willing to do it.

Emily, no kidding,
I-if I could do it, I'd be right there...

slogging through that swamp
right beside you.

Ah, I know you would.
Let's see now-

uh, riding range, campfire circle-

Who's, uh-
Who's this in the canoe?

Oh. That's Mr. Pottinger
in his loincloth and his Indian headdress.

Pretty authentic...

except for the black socks.

- Well, sounds like fun.
- Oh, honey, I really wish you were going with us.

Well, maybe next year.

This year is just impossible.
I just, uh-

I have too many important things
to take care of.

[Squeak Toy Squeaking]

[Emily]
Yeah. That's- That's really important.

Bob]
Sure you don't want to hear “Headaches”?

Good night, Bob.

How 'bout “Nola”?

-[Squeaking]
- Hi, Dr. Hartley.

- Are you... busy?
- Hi. Hi, Mr. Plager.

- Uh, how's the, uh- how's The Rat Race?
- Ah. Boy, it's awful out there.

I mean, everybody's clawing and scratching
and fighting. it's murder.

No, I meant The Rat Race-
the, uh- the game show idea.

Oh, that. Forget it.

The network won't let me paint the rats.

I mean, they wanna put numbers on them.
I said, “No way.“

Numbers- can you believe it?

I'd, uh-

I'd rather see colors.

I should have known. They're the same idiots
that canceled Supermarket Sweepstakes.

Now that was a crime.

- Anyway, I've decided I'm gonna get
out of both rat races. - Oh, really?

Yeah. You've shown me it's useless
to beat your head against a wall.

I'm gonna spend the whole summer
in Yosemitejust looking at trees...

and relaxing
and letting it all unravel.

Well, I-l really admire your courage.
I mean, it isn't easy to give it all up...

and, uh, live among the trees.

Wait a minute. I've got it.
[Snaps Fingers]

Name that Tree.

I mean, there are 35,000
varieties of trees.

We- We could fly contestants
into Yosemite and blindfold 'em.

They could rub their hands on the bark
to identify the tree. They get three chances-

Oh, uh, sorry, Bob.

- What's this- face therapy?
- It's a game show ideaJerry.

It's not gonna be easy to find a sponsor.
[Chuckles]

Forget it.
I mean, it's a stupid idea.

But don't steal it.

Well, Bob, I got bad news.
Here's your check and entry form.

- The Willy Wylerman golf clinic is off.
- Why?

- Uh, Willy. He was called by the biggest
pro of them all. - That? a shame.

You know, maybe if I... could rearrange
some of my appointments...

I could still go to camp with Emily.

- Uh, Carol, would you come in here a minute?
- You might as well do that.

If you stick around here by yourself this summer,
you'll just get into trouble.

- What do you mean by that?
- Oh, you know, Chicago in the summertime-

you'll be hanging around your apartment pool,
you know, seein' what's shakin'.

Jerry, I'm not interested in- in what's shaking.
I mean, I'm- I'm not looking for trouble.

Hey, you don't have to look for it, Bob.
I mean, you're a cute guy. It'll find you.

[ Knocks]
Yes, Bob.

Oh, Carol, I don't care
how much trouble it is.

Uh, cancel all of my appointments
for the second halfofjuly.

- I'm gonna go to camp with Emily. I'm
going home right now. - [Toy Squeaks]

They're having a camp meeting
in my apartment.

And, uh, if I hurry, I can still be
“Bob the Stilt.“

Uh, well, what about Bob's
“fear of humidity“ workshop?

I don't know. I guess they'll just have
to sweat it out. [ Laughs]

Here we are-
coffee for anyone who wants it.

Great.
Uh, why don't we all take a seat.

- Ah. Oh, wait a minute. Where's Iron Bow?
- Coming'

I'm sorry.
I was, uh, in the little brave's room.

Well, listen.
Uh, before we begin...

I would like to thank Honcho
for the use of her tepee.

Oh. You're very welcome.

Now the purpose of this meeting is to iron out
a few of the snags we've run into...

on the rocky road
to making this camp a success.

You're tellin' me it's rocky.
Left field is nothin' but boulders.

We'll get to that in a minute, Spitball.

But first, let's start with my wife,
our camp nurse, Band-Aid.

Thank you.

Although I have been a housewife
for the past few years...

when I met Flipper,
I was a registered nurse.

- Yeah. Nurses are great.
- So, as you can see, sickness is my game-

from the tiniest sore throat
to all-out plague.

Now we only have one problem- supplies.

- Does anyone have a first-aid kit we could use?
-just see Honcho.

- She'll give you the money.
- Uh, uh, Flipper, I'm afraid that isn't-

Uh, hold that thought, Honcho.
We'll get back to you in a minute.

But first, let's hear from
our Indian lore expert, Iron Bow.

Now the way I see it, my job is
to take these kids and make 'em so tough...

that being lost in the wilderness
will be like a cakewalk.

Now I'm gonna take a bunch of weak,
untrained, sniveling city brats...

and turn 'em into a bunch
oflndian braves and bravettes!

Now, in order to reach this level
of physical and mental toughness...

I'm gonna drive 'em and drive 'em
and drive 'em till they break!

Um-
[Chuckles]

Of course, in a nice way,
you know.

- Who's the clown?
- This is our neighbor, Howard Borden.

- I don't think I like his methods.
- Worked in boot camp.

Oh, one more thing.
I don't wanna be called “Shingle?

Uh, oh, my job is to supervise meals.

- Oh, why don't we call you “Mealy“?
- Why don't you call me Rita?

- “Rita.“ That's dumb.
- That's my name!

- “Rita” says cooking to me.
- I'd like to say one thing, if I-

Uh, Spitball raised his hand first.

Well, I'd just like to say that
I could use a little help...

in turning that quagmire
into a ball field.

Right now the pitcher's mound
is quicksand...

and the game has swallowed up
enough young ball players as it is.

Well, why don't you move
the pitcher's mound to second base?

Second base is a drainage ditch.
The whole field stinks. It's like an obstacle course.

- Sounds like a good place for war games.
- Uh...

Flipper, if I could...

I'd like to turn to a more immediate problem,
such as the matter of finances.

Certainly, Honcho. Now that it's your turn,
what about finances?

Well, we don't have any-
[Chuckles]

Unless we can sign up another two dozen campers
or charge the 5O we do have another $100 each.

- Well, we can't do that.
- We'll just have to cut a few corners.

Well, we could cut out meals.
[Chuckles]

We don't need food. My braves can survive
on berries and wild hickory nuts.

Howard, we may all have
to survive on berries.

We have a little problem
with the dining hall.

Uh, Flipper, did you know that Reverend Biff
and his Better Times A-Comin' Revival...

had rented the dining hall
for the month ofjuly?

That's just on the weekends. I thought we
could grab a bite between hallelujahs.

What about the movies
we were supposed to show on Saturday night?

- My uncle took back the projector.
- This-This is just ludicrous.

Now wait a minute.
All of these problems can be worked out.

Well, the baseball field
isn't gonna turn itself into a park.

I went up last weekend
to backfill the soggy spots in the infield.

The bulldozer was gone.

Now that I can't understand.
The last time I saw it, it was on the pitcher's mou-

- Oh, no.
- That's it.

That's it. Strike three. No field. No coach.
We'll get 'em next year, Flip.

Don't worry. Don't worry.
My braves will dig out that dozer.

- I'm not going to camp with a lunatic.
- Me either!

Look. We- We've still got a couple of weeks
to work these problems out.

Well,you give me a call
when you do.

Well, look.
Look, we'vejust cut our corners.

We won't get baseball equipment.
We'll buy food with the money we've saved.

- [ Sighs] Mr. Pottinger-
- Flipper.

Mr. Pottinger, look. You-

You can't run a camp by coming up with
some half-baked names for counselors...

and a- and a budget
that doesn't meet your financial needs.

I mean, all we've got so far
is a bus and a brochure.

Oh. About the bus- Remember I told you
my uncle took back his projector?

- Yeah.
- Well, he took it back in his bus.

Oh. Well, that's it then.
I mean, wejust- we just can't do it.

- Well, I guess you're right.
- Well, uh...

I'll see to returning the deposits
to the campers...

and, well, I guess we can start
planning for nextyear.

Now I know why
they call ya “Honcho?

Well, I guess the old tribe
is breaking up.

Yeah. I guess so, You know, this is all
your uncle's fault. I'm glad we lost his bulldozer.

Rita was right.
Guy's a lunatic.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, honey.

- Why is everybody so, uh- so glum?
- Oh, we had a bad meeting.

Well. I have some, uh-
have some good news.

I can go.

- Oh, Hi, Carol.
- Bob, what are you doing here?

- I just thought I'd come down and see
what's shaking. - Well, not much.

- How's the vacation going?
- Oh, fine.

- Emily's doin' her thing, and I'm doin' my thing.
- Oh, what's her thing?

Well, she's running
a new arts and crafts program.

They're having a meeting at the apartment.

- Mm-hmm. So “your thing” is to stay
out of her way, right? - Right.

- Bob, are you bored?
- Are you kidzfing?

Th-These are gonna be
the two greatest weeks of my life.

This is a perfect opportunity to take care of
a lot ofstuffl've been meaning to get to.

- Yeah.
- No calls. No interruptions.

No one has to know I'm here.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

♪♪ [ Continues]

[ Mews]