Original subtitles

Hi, Bob. I'm sorry I'm late. I just spent three hours with Diane Nugent.

- Who? - You know her. The school dietitian?

Oh, the short, fat lady.

She's tall and thin. She's married to Frank Nugent, the gym teacher.

- Well, then who's the short, fat lady? - At our school?

I met her at an open house. She was wearing a pink dress.

Oh, that's Mr. Kayner, the science teacher.

- W-Wearing a pink dress? - No, that wasn't a dress. It was a smock.

Pink is certainly his color.

Diane wanted to talk about some marital problems she's been having.

- For three hours? - I'm afraid I wasn't much help.

I'm an amateur, Bob. I mean, I don't have your sensitivity...

your experience, your qualifications.

You don't have much going for you, do you, Emily?

I did tell her one thing that made her feel better.

- What? - Your phone number.

No, wait a minute, Emily. I do not get professionally involved...

with my relatives' friends, my friends' friends, my relatives, or my friends.

But, Bob, this woman really needs you.

Honey, a lot of women need me.

I mean, let me recommend somebody. There-There are plenty of good psychologists.

Oh, Bob, there's nobody as skillful or as understanding as you are in these matters.

- Honey, you're the best in the business. - I know that.

Honey, that's beside the point. This is one rule I'm sticking to.

No friends, no relatives, no relatives' friends, no friends of relatives-

[Sighs] Can it, Bob.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

- Uh, can I, uh- Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.

- Want a drink, Howard? - Well, I'd love one, but I, uh- I'd better not.

Are you flying tonight?

No, I'm going out to buy a sport coat, and, uh-

Well, I have to have a clear head for that.

One night last week, I went out shopping after a couple of drinks...

and, uh- I bought a Nehru suit.

A green one.

- Well, that was silly, Howard. - Yeah.

I already have a green one.

Anyway, Bob, I need your help.

Well, uh, a lot of guys are wearing pink this year, Howard.

No, I mean I need your help about something else.

What's-What's wrong?

My ex-wife and her husband are having troubles, you know...

I mean, they need counseling, you know.

Oh, I don't want to see that marriage break up.

Well, Howard,you had counseling and your marriage broke up.

Yeah. But theirs is worth saving. Ours stunk.

And you, uh, you feel they need professional help?

No. They need you.

No big deal. I mean,just a misunderstanding. He tried to run her over.

On Purpose?

Well, he didn't know what he was doing. He was drunk.

- Then there's no problem. - There wasn't until she slashed his tires, and-

Now he's trying to run her over sober.

- Oh, Howard, that's awful. - Yeah. But he'll never catch her.

She can hear him coming. The tires keep going- [ imitating Fiat Tires]

Uh, Howard, have him chase her up to my office and I'll talk to her.

- Thanks, Bob. You're terrific. - Yeah, you're the best in the business.

Bob, if you ever need a favor and I'm not too busy,just let me know, okay?

Fine, Howard. lfl ever need a green Nehru suit, I'll call you.

Ah. I'll be right across the hall.

- [ Door Closes] - Bob, how could you do that?

W-Wait a minute, Emily. I know what you're gonna say. I mean, a few minutes ago...

I told you I wouldn't get involved with a relative's friend...

and a few seconds ago I agreed to get involved with a friend's relative.

But, uh, I mean, th-they're not the same thing at all.

- They're not the same thing. - Oh.

Well, they're two entirely different situations.

I mean, one involved slashing somebodys tires...

and the husband is trying to run over the wife.

You see what I mean?

All right, tell Diane Nugent to be at my office at 11 :30 tomorrow.

Well, wouldn't 12:00 be better?

- Yeah, it would be. - Good. That's what I told her.

So, to sum it up, I think we're putting the cart before the horse...

and we're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think if we cross that bridge when we get to it...

you'll find that all's well that ends well.

- How does that sound, Carol? - Well, Bob, I think it's neither fish nor fowl.

But, why cry over spilt milk?

- [ Knocking On Door] - Bob, you got time for me?

- Yours truly. - Oh, good.

Oh, uh, Carol, type that up right away and send it out special delivery.

Bob, a fool and his money are soon parted.

I had to rush right over, Bob. I have some really bad news.

- You know what this is? - No.

- What about this? - Looks like an upside-down that.

It's not funny, Bob. As you'll discover when I tell you just what these X-rays mean.

- They're that bad, huh? - You have a cavity.

- Is that all? - [Chuckles] Is that all?

Is a cavity all, Bob? A cavity is a very serious matter...

and unless it's taken care of immediately-

Jerry, are you trying to tell me...

I only have six months to chew?

Sure, sure, Bob. You just go ahead and take it lightly.

We in the dental profession have a little saying.

Neglect your teeth today and you'll wind up gumming your oatmeal tomorrow.

- [ Muttering] - Uh-huh?

- [ Indistinct] - Are you eating a pillow, Bob?

Well, what is it, Carol?

- There's a Diane Nugent to see you. - Oh, uh, send her in.

Certainly. Waste not, want not.

Hey, Bob, let's take care of that cavity as soon as you can.

- I'll take the X-rays with me. - Oh,jerry, I haven't placed my order yet.

I want two wallet-size, and an 8-by-1 O for the desk.

- Hello there. - Hello.

I don't know what to call you- Bob or Dr. Hartley.

Well, you're a friend of Emily's. Dr. Hartley will be fine.

I hope you'll just treat me like any other patient, even though...

- I really shouldn't be here. - Then why are you here?

Oh, Emily kind of forced me into it.

Yeah, I-l know the feeling. Well, won't you lie down?

Do I have to?

Well, some people find it a lot more comfortable.

Well,you see I'm on my lunch hour and if I eat myyogurt lying down, I'll gag.

If I eat myyogurt standing up, I gag.

Uh, why don't you, uh- why don't you eat after we talk?

Oh, no. Gotta eat now. Same time every day.

Otherwise, everything in your system starts to churn and bubble.

Well, you're the dietitian.

[Chuckles] Yeah. Of course, everyone has to find their own balance.

- What time did you eat? - Uh, I had breakfast at 7:30.

- What'd you have, a couple of eggs? - And some bacon.

- What about starch? - Toast.

- Did you have butter on it? - No. Uh, grapejelly.

- [ Scoffs] - No, I, uh, orange marmalade.

- Oh. Well, you had a good breakfast. - Well, thank you.

- Now, how about your husband? - He had French toast.

No, no. I mean, let's- Let's talk about him.

Oh, Frank. Well- [Clears Throat]

He's a gym teacher, and, uh, he wears a whistle.

- A-Anything else? -just gym shorts.

He's, uh, very proud of his body.

He thinks he's got the most beautiful body in the world.

And he probably does.

- What's-What's wrong with that? - He won't share it with me.

He spends more time with his body than he does with mine.

He's no fun anymore. I can't remember the last time he snapped a towel at me...

when I backed out of the shower.

Was, uh- Those were the good times?

Well, at least it showed me he cares.

Now, all it is, is body, body, body, body, body.

Wow, what a body!

I remember this one time, some innocent guy...

made an innocent pass at me, and Frank just picked him up like a rag doll...

and started to shake him until his eyes rattled.

H-How does Frank feel about your seeing me?

[Chuckles] Oh, don't worry about that. Frank's got a conscience.

He'd never pick on a guy in the kind of shape you're in.

You want some crunchy granola? It's healthy.

Oh, why-why not?

I guess I don't know my own strength.

Bob, where'd you put the score pads?

- [Bob Mutterrhg] - W h a t ?

I was trying to find my cavity, and I can'tfind it-Aah!

I found it. Oh, the score pads are right here.

Emily, I really don't think it's a good idea to invite the Nugents to play bridge.

- Why not? - Because I don't play bridge.

Well, that's all right, honey. You can be the dummy.

Dummy? Does that mean I have to sit on your knee?

Oh, Bob, playing cards is just an excuse for socializing.

See, that's another thing. I don't think it's a good idea...

that I socialize with a patient.

Well, from what Diane says, she's not gonna be your patient very long.

I mean, she and Frank are really starting to communicate, thanks to you.

Well, I told you, I'm one of the best in the business.

Oh, I'm gonna send all my friends to you.

Emily, you ever get, uh, flicked by a towel?

- What? - Never mind.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

- Oh, they're right on time. - Hello, Bob.

- Where's Frank? What happened? - We're finished. That's what happened.

Oh, no.

I didn't back down this time, Bob. Thanks to you.

You gave me the strength and confidence to go it alone.

I don't need anybody. I'm gonna be independent.

Is it all right if I stay here with you?

Oh, of course it is. Isn't it, Bob?

[Chuckles] Sure. What are friends for?

We'll just play bridge, as if nothing had happened.

- Well, let me put your suitcase in the den. - Oh, don't bother.

I'll just make myself at home.

Emily, she's, uh, she's making herself at home.

That's okay, Bob. it's just for tonight or a couple of clays at the most.

- Frank will come to his senses and- - Emily? Shut up and deal.

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing]

Continues

H-Hello?

Yes! Yes, operator.

W-Will I accept charges from where?

No, I don't even know anyone in Mexico City.

[Diane] Hang up, Bob. It's for me.

- Who was that? - Mexico City.

Oh, that's right. Frank's in Mexico City.

He's probably calling Diane to yell at her.

Collect? Diane! Take it easy, Frank.

Yeah. Diane, will you please get time and charges when you're through?

Thank you. Emily, I'm really getting tired of this.

Oh, Bob. I wish you'd be understanding.

I mean, Diane had nowhere to go and she didn't want to be alone.

Doesn't anyone go home to mother anymore?

Bob, her mother's going through a very difficult divorce.

Oh, that's too bad. Oh! Don't give her my number.

Oh, Bob. You're being silly about this.

I mean, Diane being here hasn't changed our routine at all.

Emily, I came home from the office. I had a dinner of alfalfa sprouts and a casserole.

Then I couldn't watch Police Story because she wanted to have a session...

on the living room couch, and now a telephone call in the middle of the night.

- Well, aside from that- - [ Knocking On Door]

- [ Diane jAre you decent? - Tell her we're not here.

- Come in, Diane. - I hope I'm not intruding.

- Don't be silly! - Frank called, huh?

Yeah. He's at a Dynamic Tension Convention in Mexico City.

But he's coming home tomorrow, and he said I'd better be there when he gets home...

and then he hung up- oh, but don't worry.

The operator's calling back with time and charges.

- Oh, that isn't necessary. - Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. When is she calling back?

- Soon. - Good.

- Well, are you gonna go back? - Well, he said I'd better be there, or else.

- Or else what? - I don't want to find out. I just better be there.

Uh, Diane, you're going back for the wrong reason.

You're... going back out of fear of your own life.

Well, wh- What should I do, Bob?

Well, I don't thinkyou should go back. I thinkyou should stay here.

That's one of the most difficult things I've ever said in my life.

But it was the right thing to say, Bob, and I'm very proud of you.

- So am I. - Good. Now let's get some sleep.

- [ Sighs] I can't sleep. - You want to watch me and Emily sleep?

I'm sorry. I-l guess I'm really intruding. Good night.

- Good night. - Good night!

It's just that when Frank screams at me like that...

he seems so helpless- and then I start to feel sorry for him.

[Phone Ringing]

Excuse me. H-Hello?

Yes. Yes, operator. Buenos noches to you too.

Time and charges, right.

H-How much would that be in dollars?

That-That is in dollars.

Th-Thank you very much.

A hundred and fifty-four dollars.

For a three-minute phone call?

No, that included the phone. Frank tore it out of the wall.

- [ Groans] - Then he should pay for it.

Well, he left. It seems the senor stalked out of the cantina.

Boy, he's really being irrational.

Bob, I-l feel like I gotta talk.

- Is it too late to have a session? - Well, uh-

I'll put on some coffee.

And maybe I'll just warm up the rest of that alfalfa casserole.

- Wonderful. - Well, I guess I should lie down.

Well, if you feel like it.

- This bed is really comfortable. - We, uh-We like it.

[Laughing]

Wh-What are you laughing at?

Well, I was just picturing what Frank would do if he could see us like this.

[Laughs]

I'm really proud of the way you took that needle, Bob.

It's been five minutes and already the color's starting to come back to your little face.

- I hate going to the dentist. - What, don't you have any confidence in me?

Sure I do,jerry. Can we just get this over as quick as possible?

Surejust give me a minute to figure out how to work this new drill here.

Jerry, why do you always try new equipment on me?

You don't expect me to experiment on an eight-year-old kid, do ya?

- I guess not. - Let mejust check the novocaine.

- Aah! That hurt! - Well, we'll give it another minute.

Oh, I'm glad, 'cause there's something I want to askyou.

Oh, good, you go right ahead. I'm just gonna leaf through this instruction booklet here.

- Leaf? - Ah, I'll just wing it.

Jerry, before you start. Do you ever handle friends as patients?

- You're my friend. - Then-Then why do you keep doing that?

Oh, sorry. Why were you asking about taking on friends?

I don't seem to have much IuckJerry. I mean, I'm treating a friend of Emily's...

and she's staying at the house, and I think I'm starting to lose my, uh...

- “obcleptibity.” - [ Laughs ] Your what?

- Obdeptibity. - [ Laughs] The novocaine's working.

- Are you pobitib? - [Chuckles]

You see how you're starting to talk stupid?

It's drill time! [Sighs]

If this thing goes haywire, they're gonna hear from me, Bob.

Yeah, me too,jerry.

- Right. - Oh, excuse me, Bob.

There's a guy out there to see you. He's wearing a whistle around his neck.

Uh, does he look like a gym teacher?

He looks like two gym teachers.

Did, uh- Did he seem “updet“?

You mean- You mean, upset?

- Yeah. - Well, let me put it this way, Bob.

He was in the back of a packed elevator and he was the first one off.

- I'm gonna stay here. - Don't worry, Bob.

He's not gonna hit a guy who's wearing a bib.

[Coughs] lfhe hits me, I hope he hits me in the mouth.

I won't feel it.

Uh, okay, let's talk about it. What's, uh, what's the problem?

The water keeps hitting people in the face.

- You don't have a “whithle.“ - Why would I need a whistle? I need a wrench.

I thought you were wearing a “whithle.“

No, it's a Saint Christopher medal.

L-I thought Saint Christopher was-

Not to me. I figure, once a saint, always a saint.

The big guy with the whistle's in there.

- OkxfTkxawxktkxi' - "mm awvngh!'

Hi, I'm, uh- I'm Bob Hartley.

You must be 6'- 6'4“.

And a half. Is this your chair?

Not necessarily. Sit-Sit down. Please.

Look, I don't know what's going on between you and my wife-

Nothing. Nothing. She'sjust living with me.

In-l-In my apartment. Mainly with my wife.

I'm hardly ever there, I'm- I'm here. Like, I'm- I'm here now.

If nothing's going on, how come you're standing there with that dumb smile on your face?

Th-That isn't a dumb smile. It's a numb smile. It's, uh- It's novocaine.

How came you told my wife not to come back to me?

Well, that isn't exactly what I told her.

L-I said she should wait a few days until you two had a chance to talk about it.

You know, when you got back from Mexico. That's a lovely country, by the way.

-I hated it. - Well, I guess it's like a lot of countries.

You know, there are good parts and there are bad parts. [ Uneasy Chuckling]

-I hated it all. - I guess it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

- You'd better listen, and listen good. - I'm, uh, I'm all ears.

- I miss my wife, and I want her back. - You, uh, you got her.

No, you got her, but I love her.

Well, have- Have you ever told her that?

Told her? I screamed it at her. I told her there was no place she could hide.

I would track her down. I'd lock her in a cage if I had to.

- Now, you gonna tell me that's not love? - No.

Then you'd better tell her to come back to me.

- Well, why don't you tell her? - I can't tell her.

Whenever I try, I get so mad, I wanna-l wanna-l wanna-

You-You- You don't have to explain. Why don't you just call her then?

I can't. Wheneverl get her on the phone, I end up ripping it off the wall.

Yeah, I'd like to talk to you about that later.

- Why don't you just try and- try and relax? - I am relaxed!

Why don't you try relaxing, sitting down?

All right.

You, uh, you may put me through the wall for this...

but if you want Diane to come back...

you're gonna have to start showing her some affection.

I mean, it's not a sign of weakness to tell somebody that you love them.

Have you ever tried that? Have you ever said, “I love you?“

- I-l can't say it. - Th-That's silly.

It's very easy. Look, I'll show you.

I love you.

I'm gonna cave your face in.

- You don't really mean that. - I do if you did.

No, of course I didn't. I was just trying to make a point.

I mean, look, all you have to do is just...

show her that you love her and spend some more time with her, and she'll be right back.

- Really. - All right. All right.

I'm gonna give it a try, but it'd better work...

or I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens to you.

It'll work. We'll make it work. I'm gonna call her now.

Wait. Wait a minute. I'm not ready.

L-I'm too tense! I gotta let off some steam somewhere.

Try that.

What am I lookin' up?

Try to tear it in half. That'll let off some steam.

Oh. Good idea.

Frank, why don't you start with the suburbs...

- and work your way up? - Oh, yeah. Right.

- Uh, Frank? Frank? - Yeah?

There's a- There's kind of a trick to that.

You got- You kind of got it started though, you know?

- Hi, honey. - Hz; dear:

- How's your tooth? - Oh, all fixed.

Here's a balloon from your favorite orthodontist.

Oh, I wanted a red one.

- [Chuckles] - Listen, Bob, you can say no if you want to...

but the Nugents invited us for dinner tomorrow night.

- No. - Why not?

- I'm going to the gym tomorrow night. - But you went last night.

- I'm going to the gym tonight. - Honey, what are you training for?

I mean, can't you just grow old gracefully?

Emily, I'm really out of shape. I'm trying to work up to the yellow pages.

Bob, I wish you'd told me. I could have made some plans of my own tonight.

Well, that's all right. You come along with me.

The guy who manages the place, Vince. He dropped out of school in the sixth grade.

And you can tutor him while I work on my pecs.

Bob, didn't I tell you about friends, friends of friends, relatives-

Emily, can it.

Look, I have to get going. I'm really late for the gym.

Uh, it's almost...

7:00.

[ Mews]