Original subtitles

- Hi, honey. - Hz; dear:

- [ Door Closes] - You're kinda late.

Yeah. That Toonerville Trolley I ride every day broke down...

and then the air-conditioning on the bus broke down.

- Oh. So did our air-conditioning. - Oh, great.

Well, why don't you come out here? At least there's a hot breeze.

- Well, I wanted to take a quick shower or a birdbath. - What?

A birdbath. You know. In-In the sink, you know.

- That's what we used to call it when we were kids. - Oh, that's cute, Bob.

Wanna come out here and perch? [ Laughs]

Might as well take advantage of it while we can.

_ Oh_ - Ah, thank you, clear. Get one for yourself too.

[Knocking]

Bob, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Grab a chair and come out on the patio.

Oh. Thanks.

- Hi, Emily. - Hi, Ellen. Hot enough for you?

Oh, sure is. I had to take a birdbath.

You know what isn't a good way to cool off?

- What? - Moving furniture.

Well, this is, uh... nice and cramped.

- Have you got any ice tea? - Oh,yeah. I'll get it. Excuse me, Bob.

- Whoops. - Oh. Never mind. I'll get it.

- Oh. - Well-

- All right. All right. I'll get it. - Oh.

Oh. Nice bumping into you.

Go ahead, Ellen. What's the problem?

John Tobin is coming to Chicago to see me, tomorrow.

So your ex-fiancé is dropping by. So what?

Well, he's not exactly dropping by, Emily.

John phoned from Cleveland and said he was flying in to discuss some important things.

I think the things are, “Let's get things started again."

- f can 1:' see any ice tea x}? here. - it's in the carafe.

I don't know how Howard's gonna react.

Oh, Howard's a big boy. He won't mind.

What carafe?

I'll get it, honey.

Well, Bob, I don't know. What do you think?

I mean, what's Howard gonna do when he finds outjohn's in town?

Areyou kidding?

Howard's a little baby. He'll probably, uh...

jump to all kinds of conclusions and throw a tantrum.

Oh. Maybel shouldn't tell him.

You can tell him. I just, uh, wouldn't tell him from up here.

Okay. Here we are.

That's not a carafe. That's a pitcher.

Hello?

[Emily] We're out here on the patio, Howard.

Oh, good. I... thought somebody swiped your chairs.

Howard- Howard, I've got something to tell you.

Uh, wait- Wait a minute. Uh, Howard, uh- S-Sit down.

- What is it? - Well, uh-

Howard, what would you say if I told you...

that somebody I used to know was coming into town to see me?

- I don't know. Who is it? -john Tobin.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Took it better than I thought he would.

Uh, my fault. Don't mention it. It's all right.

[Elevator Dinging]

- Hi, Carol. - Hi, Howard.

- Where's Bob? - Well, I'd say he's on, uh, eight, nine, penthouse.

Penthouse, nine and eight, and... here's Bobby!

[Elevator Dings]

- Well. Hi again. - Welcome back.

- Hi, Howard. - Hi, Bob. How are you? Listen, I, uh-

I gotta talk to you right away, Bob-

in there, in the office, on the couch.

- Come on in. - Wanna write me up as a patient? I'm gonna- I'll pay for this.

Forget it, Howard. Bob can't charge you.

- Yes, I can. - But you won't.

No, but I-l could.

But you should. I'm seeking advice from a professional psychologist.

Of course, you are the- the brother of the woman I love...

not to mention my best friend.

Yeah, it- It'd look bad if you charged me.

U h, coffee, Carol?

- What's the problem, Howard? - [ Sighs]

Bob, I think I'm cracking up, you know?

I don't remember anything about last night.

- I don't even remember driving Ellen home. - That's because you didn't.

I mean, afteryou found out aboutjohn and had your fit, you, uh-

you went to your apartment and started ironing.

Oh. Yeah, ironing.

Then it wasn't Ellen hissing me. It was the steam.

I always iron when I get depressed, and, boy, was I depressed last night.

Ironed every shirt I own.

Except the one you're wearing.

Didn't wanna burn myself.

Well, that, uh- that makes sense, so you see, you aren't cracking up, Howard.

Yeah, but I will when Ellen leaves me forjohn Tobin.

Howard, Ellen isn't gonna leave you. Sh-She left him because she loves you.

Yeah. That was nice.

But now it's my turn. Right back at me.

- Hi. Here's your coffee. - Did you hear about Ellen's ex-fiance...

coming in from Cleveland and stealing Ellen and wrecking my whole life?

Why, no, Howard. My TV's been on the blink. [ Laughs]

Oh. Aw, Howard. Come on.

Now don't worry. Ellen loves you.

Hey, how much of a threat could this guy be anyway?

- Right, Bob? - Yeah, uh, that- that's right, Carol.

John might be terrific-looking, you know, but he works too hard at it.

I mean, you have to admit. It's pretty unusual to keep a deep, golden tan in Cleveland.

A-And he wears nothing but-but suede and leather.

And he's in great shape, but he's, uh-

He'sjust- He's too perfect, you know?

[Chuckles] Yeah, who'd want a guy like that?

I mean, exactly. I mean, uh, Ellen doesn't.

She doesn't even wanna be alone with him.

Howard, do you know that sh-she called...

and she wants Emily and I to go with her to the airport to meet him?

Oh, Bob, if it's inconvenient for you to pick up, uh, what's-his-tan in any way-

- Carol. - please let me offer.

- Thanks for the coffee. - Surely.

[Clicks Tongue]

Oh, I have to find out what time his plane gets in.

6:08. Commuter flight.

- One stop in Detroit. - 6:08. Thanks.

Yeah. Bet he flies tourist just to save himself a couple of bucks.

No, as a matter of fact, I understand that, uh-

thatjohn goes first class all the way.

Well, that's dumb. They serve the same food in coach.

Hey, uh, before you guys get started, you wanna get some lunch?

- Jerry, we, uh- We have kind of started. - Oh, sorry.

Yeah, that's okay. My girl's leaving me for a tan, muscular, suede and leather guy.

Oh, that kind of situation, huh?

- Well, nothing to worry about, Howard. - Really? Why not?

Worrying's not gonna help. lfshe really goes for that kind of guy, you've lost her anyway.

J-jerry, do you mind? - What I meant was, Bob...

if that guy's really that fantastic, she would've married him in the first place...

so he can't be that appealing. [Chuckles]

- That's right. - Of course, Ellen's no queen of the hop either. I mean-

You know, she's, uh- She's been around the block a couple of times.

The doors aren't exactly crashing down to get to her, so, uh-

[Clears Throat, Mutters]

I'll just... go have some lunch by myself.

Glad I could help.

Uh, could you pick up the pretzels for a second? Thanks.

- Want a pretzel? - No.

[Clears Throat] Miss?

- Yeah? - We're not, uh, really, uh, pretzel people.

Oh, okay. Should've figured you for peanuts.

What's taking them so long? John's plane has been in for 1 O minutes.

- Probablyjust saying hello. - For 1 O minutes?

“Hello,john. How's the weather in Cleveland?“ Four seconds.

What are you worried about? She's already decided on Bachelor Number Two.

Here we are.

- Oh. HL/ohn. - Emily, how are you?

- Hi, dear. - Nice to see you. Bob.

- Oh,john. I love yourjacket. - Thanks. It's suede.

Ah, well. Have a seat and, uh, have a drink.

- How long you gonna be in town? - Oh, couple of days.

I just have to settle a few business things, and, uh...

change Ellen's mind.

[Chuckles ]john. [Clears Throat]

That's right. We're not gonna talk about that until... domjni.

[ Chuckles, Clears Throat]

- Remember what that means? - Yes. Tomorrow.

I'm glad you remember, because, um...

look what I still have.

Oh,john. Our honeymoon tickets to Rome.

[Ellen] Um,you should've cashed those in.

Not until after... domjni.

Hi.

Hi, guys. Good to see you again.

Howard?

Oh, what a surprise. Ellen, Bob, Emily?

I didn't realize it was anywhere near 6:08.

Uh, Howard, l-l'd like you to meet, uh,john Tobin.

- Tobin. Tobin, yes. Tobin. How are you, Tobin? - My pleasure.

Howard, what, uh- What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I belong here.

This is where the wild blue yonder starts and ends.

This is my turf.

Nice landing, guys.

- Wanna drink, Ace? - Well, I, uh, do have a flight coming up...

but I think I can steal a few minutes.

- When's your flight? - Thursday.

[Woman ] Yes, sir?

- Ellen, you still drink Bloody Marys? - Oh, y-yes.

A Bloody Mary, and I'll have a Beefeater martini...

on the rocks, with a twist, very dry.

- I'll have my usual, Dottie. - Oh, sorry, Howard. We're all out of soup.

I mean I'll have my, uh, usual scotch.

So, Tobin, how was your flight?

Kinda rough. A little, uh, turbulence over Lake Erie.

Good.

John, why don't you give us your claim checks...

and we'll, uh- we'll go down and getyourluggage.

Grazia, Bob. Matching suede bags, same color as myjacket.

Uh, Howard, since this is your turf...

why don't you show us where the baggage claim is?

No, no. I better stay near the loudspeaker in case of a- an emergency.

You never know.

Well, uh-We'll, uh, get the bags and bring the car around.

Man On P.A.] Your attention, please.

Captain Howard Borden, please report to the flight control tower.

We have an emergency only you can solve.

I was afraid of this. This always happens.

Well, uh- We'll see you around front.

- So. That's Howard, huh? - Mm-hmm.That's him.

- That's the guy you clumped me for? - That's right.

- The soup drinker? - Yup.

L, uh-l think I'll stick around a while.

Saline.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

- Close the door, quick. - What's the matter?

Howard's got someone tailing me.

Oh, Ellen. Come on.

Emily, I'm not kidding. There was a guy down there in a trench coat.

Don't be silly. Why would Howard have someone follow you?

Well, because he's out on a trip and he can't do it himself.

You saw the way he acted at the airport.

Oh, well, he was pushing a little, but that's just because he cares so much about you.

You know, the same way that you cared about him a few days ago...

and you still do, don't you?

- Well, I'm not sure anymore. - Is it because of john?

Oh, no, no. It has nothing to do withjohn.

L-I told him at dinner last night that there was no domjni for us.

- Oh. - 50 Howard'; got no reason to be jealous...

- let alone have me tailed. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

- Yes? - It's, uh, john. ls Ellen there?

Uh,j-just a minuteJohn. I'll see.

Uh, yeah. Sh-She's here.

Ciao.

- Is it okay if I come in? -Sure.

- I love your trench coat,john. - Thanks. it's leather.

I thought so. And the gloves?

- Calfskin. - Right. [ Chuck/es ]

- Ellen, I wanna talk about you and me. - Everything's been said before.

Words of... amdre cannot be said too many times.

Oh, I'll, uh- I'll just, uh, do something with the flowers...

in another part of the house, like the den, you know, sol don't overhear.

Or we could, uh, talk in Howard's apartment. I have the key.

No, thanks. I, uh- I don't need that.

Besides, I'd like Emily to stay.

- Why should Emily be subjected to this? - No, no, no. I don't mind.

- You know. I mean, if you feel you need me. - Good.

Because I wanna hear Ellen say, in front of you...

that we're finite.

We're finite.

Emily, when is this girl gonna come to her senses?

Well, I- I don't think she is,john.

I think she's gonna stick with Howard.

Isn't there a sane voice in this room?

Just compare me to him. I mean, there's- There's no comparison.

You might as well compare burlap to, um, cashmere.

What's wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with me!

- You can't tell me one thing wrong with me. - Maybe that's the point.

Okay, that's it.

I'm going back to Cleveland.

I don't know what else I can do.

I've... said everything I can say.

But when I walk out this door, I'm gone.

- Good-bye,john. - I mean it.

- I know. - Okay.

Arrivedérci,.

- [ Sighs] - Well, he sure smelled good.

You know, I think I'll buy a leather chair.

Well, that's that. There went five years of my life.

- Yup. Finite. - [Chuckles]

You saw the guy, Bob. He was a buffoon!

Ellen's your sister. How could you let her throw away her life like this?

You're a psychologist, Bob. You know you were gonna be my best man?

I had leather tuxes rented and everything.

[Continues, indistinct]

Why did you do that?

Because I wanna get some sleep tonight.

I'm tired of Howard calling from all over the world to find out ifTobin is really gone.

Well, what if one of your patients calls?

- Emily, my patients rarely call at night. - Okay.

I mean, it's been, uh, five years since one of my patients has called at night.

- Okay, Bob. - They-They never call at night.

[Sighs] Unless they really need me.

It's gonna ring and it's gonna be Howard.

Well, then take the phone off the hook and don't worry about it.

Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.

[Ringing]

- I'm not gonna answer it. - You've got to answer it.

No, I don't. It's Howard and I don't wanna talk to him.

- Oh, Bob. You can't let it ring all night. - [Continues]

[Clicks Tongue] Okay.

Oh, Bob.

Hello? Yes, operator.

Hi, Howard.

Just a lucky guess.

No, Howard. Nothing has changed since you called yesterday from Bangkok.

John is still gone.

W-Well, Howard, I'm sorry Ellen hung up on you...

but you shouldn't have accused her.

- W-Wait a minute. Bob wants to talk to you. - I don't wanna talk to him.

Howard, I don't wanna talk to you.

I just wanna get this telephone cord off my chest.

Howard, I don't wanna hear about it. [Clicks Tongue]

- Move over. - This is my side.

What difference does it make? Move over.

[Clicks Tongue] Hello? Y-Yes, Howard. I'm here.

H-Howard, I am- I'm not gonna call Ellen for you.

No-l thinkyou should- Howard.

Don't get excited. A-All right. All right. I will try and reach her.

Just tell me wh- Wait a minute. What is the message?

- Give me the phone. - What?

Give me the phone.

Howard, Emily is not taking any more messages for Ellen.

Wh-What time do you get in tomorrow?

All right. Tomorrow night, you and Ellen are gonna have dinner at our place...

and we're- we're gonna get this whole thing settled.

What? No, o-operator.

Sahib Borden doesn't need to deposit any more drachmas.

Good-bye.

And good night.

Good night, Bob.

Bob} I can't sleep on this side of the bed!

I like your leather outfit, Howard.

I really do.

Don't you like his leather outfit, Bob?

Oh, I certainly do. It certainly... out-leathers any outfit I've ever seen.

More peas, anyone?

You know, Emily, I- I believe I'll have some more peas.

These are- These are new peas, aren't they?

Yes. Yes, they are, Bob, and they're fresh.

Well, I'll bet it's not easy to get new peas out of season.

No. I mean, you can always get canned peas...

but to get new, fresh peas, that's really something.

Well, it was certainly worth the extra trouble.

You know, I like having... dinner alone like this.

Reminds me of the time we, uh- we had the picnic in the park last summer.

Just you and me and the, uh, statues.

Uh, aren't either one of you going to say anything?

Hello?

Look, I- I asked you to come here to talk. Now, I-

I don't normally interfere in other people's lives, uh, outside the office...

but, uh, I don't have a life outside the office because of you two.

So would someone please talk?

I think it was nice of Emily to get fresh peas.

Why are you wearing that stupid outfit?

Stupid? I thought you like leather.

Oh, Howard. I hate leather.

Good, because these leather pants are making my legs sweat.

- I don't know how a cow can stand to be in it. - [ Laughs]

- Oh, Howard. You are incredible. - [E//en]0h.

I don't mean to be. I just want my girl back. That's all.

Oh, Howard. You never lost me.

- I didn't? - Hmm. But why did you have to act so crazy?

I mean, all you had to do was stay out of it and let me handle it in my own way.

Bob told me to do it.

- What? - You told me to go with my feelings.

Well, yeah, but I- I-l didn't charge you for it.

Howard, I'm sure Bob didn't tell you to go out and buy a leather sweat suit...

or- or to spend a fortune in overseas phone calls...

or to come to the airport dressed like Snoopy.

- Go ahead. Gang up on me. it's my fault. - It is all your fault.

It's not all of his fault.

I mean, when-when people are in love, they, uh- they do funny things.

I mean, remember how ridiculous you were when you- when you first fell in love with me?

- Me? - [Knocking]

l-I'll get it.

Th-The point is th-th-that people do ridiculous things when they're in love...

to-to-to hang on.

And now that the crisis is over...

I-I think Howard has learned that- that he can trust Ellen.

Oh, I have, Bob. I mean, I always have, even- even now more than ever.

I'm looking for Howard Borden.

Oh, he- He's for me. Oh, hi, Leo.

You know that broad I was tailin' forya? I lost her.

Uh,yeah. I know. I know. Well, see, it's all off. It's all over.

I mean, I- I don't need you anymore.

Okay. It's 25 bucks per day, plus expenses.

[Howard] Can we, uh, talk in the hall?

It's, uh, automobile insurance.

Good deal. Twenty-five dollars a day, plus expenses.

Now, where, uh- Where were we?

Oh, I think we were talking about trust.

Oh, that's right.

Well, you have to-l mean, you have to forget what's happened in the past...

and, uh, you certainly have to try to forget what's happening in the hallway right now.

Better get goin' if we're gonna catch the beginning of that movie.

Oh, yeah. We don't wanna be late.

I hear Charles Bronson gets shot nine times in the first five minutes.

Yeah, and then it really gets violent.

Hope the theater's air-conditioned. My knees are drenched.

Howard- Howard, wait a minute. l-l've got something I've gotta tell you first.

But you've gotta promise you're not gonna getjealous.

Oh, I promise. I don't have ajealous bone in my whole body anymore.

I'm amazed you're able to walk.

Howard, I have to go to Cleveland to pick up a few things. That's all.

A very quick trip. I'm gonna go next week, just for the day. Okay?

Okay? That's perfect.

Wow, what a coincidence. Guess what flight I have next week.

- Chicago to Cleveland. - That's right. I can fly you up and back.

[Laughs]

Well, come on. We're gonna be late.

Oh, uh- Can I, uh- Can I meet you in the lobby?

I guess, uh-l guess you wanna make a phone call, Howard, huh?

- Ah, no. I have to use your, uh- - Oh. Fine.

Hello, Ed? Yeah, Borden.

You still have that, uh, commuter flight to- to Cleveland?

You do? Look, I gotta have that flight.

Yeah. Trade you anything.

Yeah. I'll give you my five clays in Paris and Rome.

Yeah. I'll take out your dog. Right.

Your mother to the chiropractor on Thursday.

Yeah, I got that. Yeah.

They come to fix the dishwasher, I'll be there. Yeah. Yeah, you saved my life.

[ Mews]