All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s03e07 - Dr. Ryans Express

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Original subtitles

L- I'm really glad about starting this- this over-60s workshop.

I must say I've- I've learned a lot.

L- I think I can helpyou to- to overcome your feelings...

of being neglected and- and unwanted...

but I-l thinkwe'rejust gonna have to take things one day at a time.

Even though each day might be our last?

Tomorrow I'm gonna remind my store manager...

about that promotion he promised me...

and if I don't get it by the time I'm 63, I just might walk.

I'd punch his face in.

Mr. Vickers, I sense a certain amount of bitterness.

Bitterness? Why should I be bitter?

Just because I'm the oldest one here?

Just because I was thrown out of my own business...

by my son the clay I turned 65?

That's pathetic.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, we try to be positive here.

You're more fortunate than most of us here.

At least you've been able to keep youryouthful appearance.

You know, you don't look anywhere near 60.

That's 'cause I'm 34.

Who are you kidding? You've got to be at least 50.

- He reminds me of my son. - Thanks.

He was a vicious little punk too.

Uh, t-take it easy, Mr. Vickers.

Maybe Mr. Carlin shouldn't be here.

Well, it's not that I don't find him pleasant in a repulsive sort ofway.

But, I mean, this is an over-SOs group.

Well, Mr. Carlin's in- in a lot of my groups.

He has, uh, difficulty relating to people of all ages.

And he always will.

Well, I think we've gone about as far as we can go.

Uh, why don't we pick it up here, uh, next week?

L-I would like to end this meeting on an up note.

So I just want to remind you that you are vital, useful people...

and I think between all of us, we can learn that life does begin at 60.

[Snickering]

You know, I wouldn't mind getting old if I could have the body of a young person.

Where's Mr. Carlin? Isn't he coming?

Uh, no. He has a private session now.

He's awful screwed up, isn't he?

- Well, I'll, uh- I'll see you all next week. - God willing.

- Oh, Bob, aren't you gonna say good-bye? - Oh, Carol, I'm sorry.

I completely forgot. You're going away for a few days, aren't you?

Yeah. And I really hate to leave you so busy, but I gotta catch a plane.

Well, don't worry about it. just have a good time.

- Bob, I'm going to a funeral. - Oh, then don't have a good time.

If you really need me, I'll be in Witchita, Kansas at thejayhawk Mortuary.

Well, I-l wouldn't wanna bother you there.

Okay.

- Bob, can I see you for a second? - I'm sorry. I'm really swamped.

- What about Carol's replacement? - I don't know. Hire somebody.

No. You see, you're the guy who's always in charge of hiring replacements.

- Why is it always up to me? - Because you're never happy with anybody I pick.

- That's not true. - I suppose you were happy with Greta?

You picked her up at a ski lodge.

She couldn't type, she couldn't write, she couldn't read, she couldn't think.

She made great fondue.

Look,jerry, hire anybody. l-lt's up to you.

Okay, I'll hire Eleanor Van Vekten from the 9th floor.

- Absolutely not. - She can read.

What's going on? There's a man in here with a serious problem.

Right, Mr. Carlin. Jerry, just hire whoever you want.

Don't ever leave me alone that long.

I don't remember ordering cafe curtains.

Well, I still think the fabric is beautiful.

Yeah, what there is of it. But, Howard...

drapes are supposed to come all the way to the floor.

I wonder how much it would cost to raise the floor.

Oh, Howard, Bob is just gonna be furious.

Oh, he probably won't notice.

How can he not notice?

Well, I didn't notice.

Of course, I'm taller than Bob.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, dear.

Why are the drapes so short?

Howard thought you wouldn't notice.

- Yeah, I noticed coming down the street. - Huh?

- You aren't gonna leave them that way, are you? - Oh, of course not.

Good. 'Cause I wouldn't want the people down there looking up our, uh, drapes.

- When are they gonna fix them? - I don't know.

- I haven't called them yet. - Why not?

I hate to tell them they made a mistake, especially with a rush order.

Honey, 12 weeks isn't exactly a rush order.

Maybe I'd better go if you two are gonna argue.

- Oh, Howard, we're not arguing. - Not yet.

Uh, Emily, you really have to call them and tell them to come over.

I mean, that's- that's inexcusable.

I know, Bob. But, I mean, I just don't know what to say.

Well, how about, “The drapes are too short“?

Look, I know how Emily feels. I mean...

when I go in a restaurant, I'm always ashamed to send back meat.

I don't even send back meat on the plane, and I'm one of the most important people on it.

Yeah, but, Howard, we're not talking about meat.

We're talking about drapes that cost maybe, uh, $150, $200.

390, Bob.

Now it's an argument.

Uh, well, look, I think I, uh, better be going.

Uh-

Actually, those drapes do look stupid.

Well, you gonna call them?

Bob, I don't know what to say.

All right. I'll call them.

Oh, thank you, honey. Now, look,just tell them...

that if they're gonna make mistakes like this...

they should not be in the business, and that I expect them here...

by 10:00 tomorrow morning to pick up-

You know, in your own words, of course.

You know- You know, Emily, what I don't understand?

Why do I wind up doing jobs that other people are perfectly capable of doing?

I mean, like at the office today. Jerry wanted me...

to decide on a replacement for Carol.

I mean, why do I have to do it all the time?

Well, honey, some people arejust decision makers. That's all.

What do you want with your dinner, tea or coffee?

Coffee. Uh, make it tea.

No, make it coffee.

Uh,milk. Milk.

Uh, hi,yeah. Listen, I, uh-

I hate to botheryou about this, but, uh-

See, we have these living room drapes, and, uh-

I-I don't know if the ceilings too high, or-

Now, is everything clear in your mind, Debbie?

Oh,yes. And I wanna thank you for having me back again.

I was here once before, wasn't I?

Yes. Yes, you were, Debbie, and I'm glad you were available.

Oh, I'm always available, unless I'm busy someplace else.

Uh-huh. Good. I'll remember that.

One thing though, Dr. Robinson.

I've been noticing that these typewriter keys just don't seem to work.

See, that's an electric typewriter, Debbie.

- You have to turn it on actually. - Oh, of course.

Where did I put my brain this morning?

- Uh, Debbie? - Yes?

- I'm just looking for my pen. - Oh, good.

- Hey, good morning, Bob. - HLJerry.

How are you, Dr. Ryan?

Bob, you remember, uh, Debbie.

I remember her, but I don't think she remembers me.

- I'm Dr. Hartley. - Would you like a cup of coffee, Dr. Ryan?

Uh, yes. Cream and sugar.

I'll get it for you right away.

- There's a coffee machine right over there. - Oh?

Good.

UhJerry, could I-couldl talk to you for a minute?

- Sure. - Could we go in Dr. Ryan's office?

' Why-Jerry? ' Why not?

I mean, she's a real nice lady, and I like her.

Jerry, the last time she was here was a disaster...

and I'm much too busy for disasters.

I mean, she isn't qualified to do anyjob in the office.

That's not true, Bob. She told me this morning she takes speed writing...

if you talk real slow.

This is a business office, and things have to be done in a certain way.

I'm willing do take total responsibility for this.

Ifshe doesn't work out, you can get rid of her.

- You get rid of her. - Okay.

- I mean it,jerry. lfshe doesn't work out... - Okay.

I want you to call Freedman Fill-ins and get her replaced.

I will, Bob. I-

- Oh! Oh, excuse me. - That's all right.

Here we go.

Oh, no. What the heck's the matter with me?

That's all right. Now there's room for the cream and sugar.

Cream and sugar. I'll get it right away.

Uh, Debbie, the door is the wayyou came in.

Oh, right. Cream and sugar, right?

- Right. And maybe a rag? - Oh. Right.

Jerry, are you sure we have enough insurance to cover what might happen here today?

Take it easy, Bob.just give her a chance to get the feel of things here.

- Nothing's gonna happen to her. - I'm not worried about her.

Oh, here we are.

Here's the sugar.

[Chuckles]

Uh, Debbie, I really need that piece of paper.

Oh, of course you do.

I guess I'm all thumbs today.

Will there be anything else, Dr. Ryan?

No.

I'll, uh- I'll be in touch with you in just a few minutes.

Fine.

L-Jerry, what is it?

Does she remind you of someone who was nice to you at one time?

Someone who took a thorn out of your paw when you were a kid?

Someone who gave you candy?

Someone who put salt in your coffee?

Oh.

All rightjerry. Look, she stays the rest of the day, and that's it.

Okay, Bob. Whatever you want.

But that salt was a mistake that anybody could make.

- It's not her fault. - You're rightjerry.

It was my fault. I should have ordered soup.

Don't yell at me, Bob. It wasn't my fault.

- I'm listening. - Well, see...

there were these three guys- all named Smitty.

They said in all theiryears in the business...

nobody had ever told them the drapes were too short.

Sol said, “Well, the drapes are too short.“

And Smitty said, “They don't look short to me.

What do you think, Smitty?“ And he said, “I can't see it.

What do you think, Smitty?“ And Smitty said...

“They look a little short to me, but I don't wanna go against my father and my uncle.“

And you just stood here and let them lower the drapes.

No, I didn't stand there. I had to go to school.

I told them to do something about it, and that's what they did.

All right. Call them, tell them to come over...

pick up these drapes and bring back the old drapes.

- [ Sighs ] All right. I'll call them. - Oh.

Thank you, Bob. Bob,just ask for Smitty.

- Right. - [Knocking]

Come in, Howard.

- Hi, Bob and Emily. - Hi,jer.

Ferry, you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.just fine.

1%} nub?

- Have you been drinking? -Yeah.

I didn't think that much.

No.jerry, there is something wrong with the drapes.

- Bob was just gonna take care of it. - Oh, good.

- You know, if something's wrong, you really have to... - Ooh!

Call yourself and straighten it all out.

Otherwise you just lose the respect of everybody around you.

Jerry, have you fired Debbie?

You're really gonna hate me for this, Bob.

No. No, I didn't.

You wanna know something I was really looking forward to tomorrow morning?

I was really looking forward to coming into the office...

and seeing anybody but Debbie sitting in that chair...

and being called anything but Dr. Ryan.

Bob, why don't you just tell me what time you're coming into the office...

and I'll sit in that chair and call you anything you want?

No,jerry. You're gonna call the agency.

Look,jerry, you know, I thinkyou could do it if you thought of it this way.

You're not firing Debbie. You know, you'rejust firing her agency.

You don't have to say anything bad about her...

just that her services are no longer required.

And,jerry, you don't even have to give them a reason.

- Hey, that's good thinking, Emily. - Yeah, I know.

I'm good at telling people what to say on-

[Phone Clattering, Dings

- Uh, Bob? - I'll talk.

Oh, no, no, no. I can talk. I just can't dial.

[Dialing]

It's ringingJeFW-

I hope they don't answer.

Oh, uh, hello? Yes.

I'm calling in reference to one of your girls who's working in our office...

Miss Debbie... Flett.

Um, her services are no longer required.

Oh, no. You see, Emily says that I don't have to give you a reason.

- I have to give them a reason. - She stinks.

- I can't say that. - Make something up.

[No Audible Dialogue] Uh,yeah.

Here's the thing. We're closing down our office tomorrow.

We're going on this big three-day medical picnic.

See, they're not buying that.

Jerry, see if they'll buy the truth.

Yeah, uh, here's the thing.

Uh, she'sjust not working out.

You'rejust gonna have to call her at home...

because we can't have her come into the office tomorrow.

Well, thank you very much. Uh, certainly.

My name is Dr. Robert Hartley.

- Uh, Debbie? - Oh, good morning, Dr. Ryan.

[Chuckles]

You're, uh- You're still here.

Yes. I work here. I'm the receptionist.

Your, uh- Your agency tried to get ahold of you last night.

Oh. Well, there's no way they could've.

My phone's been disconnected. Silly old me.

I forgot to pay my phone bill.

[Chuckles]

Imagine that.

Do, uh- Do they have your number here at the office?

Yes. it's 882-

De- De- Debbie, I know the number here.

- Oh. - They might try to get ahold of you.

Oh. Oh, Dr. Ryan!

There's some old people in your office.

L-I know, Debbie. They're- They're my old people.

- They're supposed to be in there. - Oh.

There's a whole bunch of them.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello. I'm Debbie.

- Would anyone like anything? - I'd like a job.

- How about some coffee? - Yeah, I'd like some coffee too.

Oh, that's easy. One, two, three, four, five.

Would you like anything, Dr. Ryan?

- I'm- I'm one of the five. - Good. Then you can have the extra one.

Isn't she well-groomed and considerate?

I'd fire her.

I see we'rejust as nasty this week as we were last week.

No. As a matter of fact, I feel much better about myself today.

Well, that's- that's good, Mr. Vickers. Why don't we start with you?

Uh, now, have- have you talked to your-your, uh, son...

about going back with the firm as a consultant?

Yes, and he offered me a job as ajanitor.

Oh.

And I'm going to take it and bug his office.

If everything goes right, I'll have enough evidence against him...

to have him thrown in the slammer for the rest of his life.

Well, that's not exactly constructive, Mr. Vickers.

Well, ifit makes him happy.

Well, does- does anyone have any good news to report?

Oh, uh, my daughter and son-in-law...

are flying me out to San Francisco next week to stay at their house.

- Oh, well, that's good news. - Yeah.

I get a chance to babysit their kids while they go to Europe.

I had the most depressing week of anybody.

I just turned 35.

You know, Mr. Carlin, I don't think it's fair of you...

to keep reminding us of how young you are.

Oh, yeah? Who was at your last birthday party?

- Oh, a few friends. Why? - The only person at my party...

was a hamster, and he had to be there.

I own him.

He looked really stupid in that little hat.

Listen, I-l think we could use something...

to brighten our spirits, and I havejust the thing.

I hope she's not going to sing.

Now, this is a letterl wrote to my boss at the supermarket...

where I really lay it on the line...

and I would like Dr. Hartley to read it.

Uh- “Dear sir, may- may I come in five minutes late next Thursday?

I swear on a stack of Bibles it will never happen again.“

- Th-That's it? - Do you think that's too tough?

I think we're gonna learn that we have to assert ourselves...

and eventually, people will give us...

the consideration that- that we deserve...

re-regardless of our ages.

Excuse me. Dr. Ryan...

I came in to say good-bye.

My- My agency called, and I've been fired.

- Oh, no! - Where's the coffee?

Waita minute. How did that happen?

I don't know. The darnedest thing.

Somebody named Dr. Hartley fired me, and I don't even know who he is.

- We know who he is. - He's the gentleman over there with the forked tongue.

So, I don't think any of this would have happened...

ifit hadn't been for the Roosevelt administration.

I worked in Washington during Franklin Roosevelt's first term...

even though I wasn't a Republican.

Of course, I was cute then, and young...

and so people didn't mind the mistakes I made.

- Now I'm just a fill-in girl. - So what? You're still a person, aren't you?

- Well, uh, Mr. Carlin, this has nothing to do... - Well-

with Debbie being a person.

It's just that I've been- I've been very busy lately.

I've had a- I've had a lot of work...

and, um, it just wasn't working out.

I mean, I'm- I'm not a bad guy.

Even a nice guy can forget to take time to care for someone else.

I guess you're right, Mrs. Della Vella.

She is right, A person has to take the time to stop and smell the roses.

Wouldn't it be a shame if what happened to my husband happened to you?

- What happened to him? - He died.

That would be a shame.

It was because he worked too hard and didn't stop to smell the roses.

And I never could understand that.

He was a florist.

Yes, but you have to appreciate my position, Mrs. Chaney.

I mean, uh, there was a question of... ineptness.

Perhaps if you had worked with her, she mighfve become “ept.“

Did you ever take the time to show her where things are?

Maybe you could make a map of the office for her.

Put cardboard footprints on the floor for her to walk in.

Just be careful they don't lead to the windows.

You could put numbers on things, you know.

Her desk could be number one.

- Your office could be number two, and so on and so on. - Right.

Boy, they're old, but they sure do make you stop and think, don't they?

No,you're- you're right, Mr. Carlin. Um-

I really, uh,you know, hadn't thought about it.

If, uh- If Debbie was giving me a problem...

I-I guess I should've stopped and worked with her.

And that's, uh- That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You mean she's rehired?

- Yes. - Let her get us some coffee.

- Debbie, would-would you mind? - Not at all.

That was five, wasn't it?

- Right. - Right.

You know, I'm- I'm really very proud of you...

because not only were you right, but you convinced me that you were right.

One.

Door Closes 1

But I think the best thing that happened here...

was that, uh, y-y-you put yourself in Debbie's shoes.

Two.

- [ Door Closes] - Why- Why'd I let you talk me into this?

Hi- Hi, Carol.

Bob.

- How- How was the funeral? - It was a pleasure compared to this.

- What happened? - Don't worry about it, Carol.

Just try to get it straightened out by- by the end of the day.

Yeah, by- by the end of the month.

- [ Phone Ringing] - Dr. Hartley's office.

“Dr. Hartley.“ That sounds so good.

- Smitty's Drapery Nook? - Oh, thank you.

Hello? Hi, Smitty. Yeah, e-everything worked out fine.

We- We never close those drapes anyway.

Yeah, a girl named Debbie did used to work for me.

Why?

Well, th-that was very nice of her to put me down as a reference. Uh-

Let me put it this way, Smitty. I- I think she'd be perfect for your company.

Not at all. It's my pleasure.

[ Mews]

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