Original subtitles

Bob sure looks different when you blow him up.

How did you get him to look soyoung?

By taking the picture five years ago.

It was his favorite photo. I had it enlarged.

I never realized Bob had such terrific pores.

Yeah, that's one of the main reasons I married him.

Well, I still think he's gonna be surprised.

Howard, he's not gonna be surprised if you don't hide the picture.

Yeah. Yeah.

Howard, why don't you hide it in the closet in the den?

That was going to be my next move.

Oh, I love surprises!

- Hi, honey. - Hi, dear.

- Hi, Bob. - Hi, Howard.

Ho! Whoa! Let me hang your coat in the closet.

Howard, I don't hang my coat in the closet. I hang it on the coat rack.

Oh, that's a smart move. That saves a lot of steps.

Uh, when do you use the closet?

Uh, mostly Saturdays, when I go to visit my old army uniform.

Well, if you need to visit the closet before then...

visit mine.

I guess I shouldn't ask what's being hidden in the closet.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah.

What are you staring at?

Your beauty mark. Bob, where's your beauty mark?

It wasn't a beauty mark. It was a wart.

Phil Newman took it off, and he said you'd never notice it when he did.

Well, I noticed it.

Bob, that was a beautiful wart.

L-ltwas ugly.

Phil said, as a reputable plastic surgeon he couldn't tolerate it.

Ten minutes later it was gone, and so was $85.

He charged you, Bob? You never charged him.

- I never treated him. - Sure, you did.

Don't you remember that anniversary party when Phil came to you and said...

“Bob, I've got a problem. Jeanette doesn't understand me.“

I don't think Phil's voice is quite that low.

Well, I thinkyou saved Phil's marriage.

Maybe that's why he charged me the $85.

Well, it isn't fair.

It doesn't have to be fair. It's a doctor's bill.

Well, anyway, let's, uh-

let's just forget about it, okay?

Okay.

- All right, I'll get my turtleneck sweater. - You can't do that.

It's in the closet, and you're not allowed in the closet.

Isn't that a great name for a restaurant- the Marquis de Suede?

Yeah, it was really quiet...

eating off those leather dishes.

Floss?

- No, I just ateJerry. - You really gotta floss once a day, Bob.

- All I had for lunch was soup. - Plenty of bacteria in soup, Bob.

Especially at that restaurant.

I'm serious.

It's just hard to take you seriousJerry, with that string hanging out of your mouth.

You look like you swallowed a kite.

Okay, Bob. Don't floss.

You'rejust lucky you got a good friend who looks after your teeth.

- And for free, I might add. - And I appreciate it,jerry.

That's all right, Bob. What are friends for?

Well, I wish Phil Newman would be a little more friendly.

He took offa wart and charged me $85.

Phil's a pirate. You're lucky he didn't charge you more.

You know, I thought maybe, as a matter of professional courtesy...

he might not charge me.

I mean, after all, I did save his marriage.

I see what you're getting at.

You're saying that all the doctors around here should treat each other for nothing.

- That's not what I'm getting at. - Sure you are, Bob. And that's a good idea.

In fact, it's a terrific idea. We could form a co-op.

- Jerry, that's not- - We could all get sick whenever we felt like it.

We'd have our own medical grange! That's brilliant. I'm gonna get started on it.

Jerry, that's not what I'm getting at at all!

Jerry, I've afraid this experiment is gonna backfire!

Bob, that's not the kind of thing you yell in a doctor's office.

Oh! Don't go in there.

- Why not? My name is on the door. - I know.

- But Emily's in there. She's got a surprise for you. - She's not a blonde again.

No- Oh, all right. All right, I'll take you in.

Now, give me your hand. Close your eyes.

I just love office highjinks.

Gee, Carol, you kissjust like Emily.

Bob?

Okay, opefl UP-

Well, there you are.

There I am, all right.

See? I told you he'd love it.

- Doyou? - I-l like the ribbon.

Well, I like the picture.

You look so cute with your little hook stuck in your little hat.

Just darling. [Laughs]

Well, I'll just go back out to my reception area and do a little recepting.

- [ Door Closes] - You hate it, don't you?

No, l-l'mjust used to all those diplomas up there.

Oh, but, honey, this is so much better than those stuffy old diplomas.

It creates a whole new image for you.

It says, “Here I am- I'm friendly.“

Well, to me it says...

“Here I am- I'm fishing.”

Oh, Bob, you said yourseifthat a psychologist's office should reflect his personality.

I don't remember saying that.

- Yeah, in that article you wrote. - Oh.

Maybe I was wrong.

Bob, you weren't wrong.

And this reflects your personality better than those stuffy old diplomas.

All right. I'll, uh- I'll give it a chance.

Oh, good. I gotta get back to school.

Uh, Emily,just, uh- just out of curiosity...

where are the, uh, stuffy old diplomas?

- Oh, I stuffed them in the bottom drawer. - Oh, good.

I just- I just wanted to know.

The bottom drawer?

Yeah, face up, so if you should want to look at them...

all you have to do is just-

Yeah. That's right.

- Good. - Well, bye.

Bye!

You're really serious, huh? You don't like Bob wartless?

That's right, Phil. And especially not for $85.

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll build him a new wart for I 50.

-[Chuckles] - No, I can do that.

We're all set.

- Yeah. We think it's terrific. - Wh-Wh-What's terrific?

Your idea. Your creation. Your concept.

Your master plan. lt'sjust wonderful.

Why don't you kiss him, Bernie?

Somebody should. It's a great idea.

Everybody cures everybody for free.

I'm not sure it's my idea, and I don't even know if it'll work.

Sure, it's your idea, and you can't turn your back on it now.

Maybe I should just settle with Phil and forget the whole thing.

Why don't you just settle with me, and let's go through with it?

You can't forget the whole thing. We've made up our minds. Right?

- Right. - Absolutely right.

- Well, I'm not sure yet. - Well,why not, Stan?

We need a gynecologist.

- Especially for our wives. - Well-

Hey, wait a minute. Who said anything about wives?

I think it's okay to include our families.

Yeah, but we gotta draw the line somewhere, Bernie.

Let's draw it at urology.

Don't knock urology, Phil. It's a pretty important business from where I sit.

All right. Okay, okay, he's in.

Uh, what about this person?

- Uh, she's, uh, out. - Out of what?

It's our co-op. We're gonna provide free medical services for each other.

- Yeah. That's what you're out of. - Oh.

Terrific, Phil. I hope I don't make any mistakes on your bills.

Uh- Uh, she's in.

Thank you, Dr. Newman. You're such a wonderful human being.

You don't have to thank him. You're an equal here. You'rejust as important as we are.

That's absolutely right. Now, will you run down and get me a cheeseburger, hon?

Oh, God.

I'm telling you, this co-op is the greatest thing that ever happened.

- I'm still not sure. - Neither am I.

Itcan't miss!

We got Klein for backs, Totten for feet, Tetzi for throats...

- and Whelan here for- - Watch it!

Look, the point is, we can handle it all, from cradle to grave.

- All we'd need is a mortician. - We don't need one.

If we all do our jobs right, we'll never die.

Hey, wait a minute.

I wanna make sure this thing is fair before we get it locked in.

Now, sayjerry gives my teeth a lousy $1 O cleaning...

and then he comes to me to fix his nose.

That's a $900job, ifit can be done at all.

To balance it out, Phil, I'll remove all your teeth.

Look, take it easy. lfthis thing is gonna work, we're gonna have to get along.

Bob's right. We're gonna be spending a lot more time together.

We'll make it, maybe, like a fraternity.

Move it outside the office and be able to spend more time together socially.

That's great, Bernie. Maybe you could order us some team jackets.

Hey, that's not a bad idea, Phil! What color?

- Jerry? - Can't talk to you now, Bernie.

We'll talk later at the pep rally.

- What about you, Stan? - It doesn't matter.

What color do you think we should get?

Why don't we wait to see if this thing works out before we order thejackets.

Oh, it's gonna work, Bob.

It's gonna work because we're all mature, well-adjusted people.

Well, we'll get it going real soon.

Let's get going on it now, Bob.

I'm a basket case.

And though I cannot attend...

uh, your seminar entitled...

“Why Rats Turn Left“...

I'm sure it will be a big, uh-

uh, success.

- Carol, would you mind? - Not at all.

I still think that picture's darling.

Fine.

- Uh, sincerely yours- {Knocking}

Uh, oh. Am I, uh- Am I interrupting something?

- [ Door Closes ] - No, I'm in the middle of a letter.

Oh, okay. I'll wait then.

- Where was I, Carol? - Sincerely yours.

- You call that the middle? - He might have a P.S.

Oh. Do you?

Uh, P.S.-

I love you.

We'll finish the P.S. after lunch.

[Clears Throat]

Listen, uh, Bob, now, you know that I'm not the kind of guy whojust, uh...

comes rushing into another guy's office, uh, without a good reason.

What's the good reason, Phil?

[Chuckles] Oh, yeah. This, uh-

This co-op thing's been going on for about a week, right?

Now, I don't wanna bum-rap anybody, but someone is taking advantage.

- Who? - Well, I, uh, don't want to name names.

- Then don't. - Tupperman.

You know, he already came into my office for some plastic surgery.

Came in there and asked me if I could make him taller.

Now, isn't that ridiculous?

Well, I guess it is kinda silly.

It is silly, isn't it?

[Laughing]What? Yeah. Of course it's silly.

It's an interesting notion though.

Maybe I could add on to his neck or something. Maybe-

No, the point is, Bob, the man is wasting my time. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Well, uh, what are you gonna do about it?

- Me? - Well, it's your co-op.

- [Knock] - Excuse me, Bob, but there's a woman to see you.

N-Not-

Pardon me for barging in.

I'm Mrs. Loomis.

Uh, Loomis?

Peter Loomis's grandmother.

Yeah, she's Tippy Tupperman's great-aunt.

Oh. Well, hello again, Dr. Newman.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, we're all so proud of Bernie.

He's the only urologist we have in the family, you know.

Some families don't even have one.

What can I do for you, Mr. Loomis?

Well, Bernie said for me to drop past for a checkup.

Do you want me to take my clothes off?

No. No, uh-

I-I don't do checkups. I'm a psychologist.

Oh. You want me to take my hat off?

No. I'm sorry, but you'll have to make an appointment with my secretary.

Oh. I understand.

Oh! You know, I got a calendarjust like that!

We must have the same insurance company.

- My appointment's for 3:00, Dr. Newman? - That's right, yes.

Oh, Dr. Newman's such a wonderful man.

He's gonna make me look like this.

- That's very attractive. - I think it is.

All right. See? That is exactly what I mean.

Tupperman is- He's out of control.

- He is taking advantage of everybody on the floor. - [Knock]

Excuse me, Bob. I hate to interrupt, but I do have some messages.

- Oh, great. - “Dr. Newman, your chest X-ray's ready.“

“Dr. Newman, you have two cavities.“

“Dr. Newman, your eye exam is at 2:00 this afternoon."

“Dr. HartleyJeanette Newman would like an appointment.“

3M Radio: Man Singing Opera]

[ Bob] Uh, how's that?

Well, the light's on, but the radio's off.

Two outlets in the room- one behind the dresser, the other under the bed.

Why?

Honey, you wouldn't want the outlets out in the open, would you?

It sure would make things a lot easier.

Don't know why America has to be ashamed of its outlets.

Do you have any idea how many dust bunnies there are under here?

Dust bunnies?

My mother used to call 'em that, and I never knew why.

Oh, they do kinda look like bunnies at that.

♪♪ [ Opera]

JJTOff]

You know what else is under there? A toboggan.

Yeah, well, it was either there or in the garage.

Yeah, a garage is no place for a toboggan.

Well, if we had a real Chicago blizzard...

you couldn't get to the garage to get the toboggan...

unless you had the toboggan to get to the garage with.

That's right, Gracie.

Emily, do you think it's possible...

for a...

human being to be stretched?

Well, in the old days they did it with the rack.

- I mean, without being killed. - No, I don't think so.

You know, that, uh- that co-op thing isn't really working out.

- Mmm? - No.

No, they come into my office whenever they feel like it.

I had to tell 'em if they wanna come in, they're gonna have to come in at one time.

That sounds like a good idea.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is he.

Uh, Dr. Holtz? I don't know a Dr. Holtz.

You're a veterinarian.

I don't think we have room in the co-op for a vet.

Well, yes, I'm a psychologist...

but I usually deal with human beings, you know.

Well, I'll take a shot at it. Go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Well, the next time she does it, I'd smack her in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

I don't know why you didn't think of that either. Bye.

Friend ofjerrys.

It really is getting out of hand.

Yeah. Well, tomorrow is soon enough to think about it.

- Good night, dear. - Good night, love.

- {Switch Clicks] - g; [ Radio: Woman Singing Opera]

Emily, would you mind not singing? I'm trying to go to sleep.

[Knocking]

Bob, your doctor group is almost ready to come in.

When they're ready, let me know.

Uh, Carol, would you mind closing the door?

This is a great idea, Bob, treating everybody at one time.

I'd do it too, but not many people are interested in group gynecology.

I've been in groups like this before- it's a waste of time.

The only thing that works is scream therapy- anything goes wrong, scream your guts out.

You must be fun to watch the news with.

Still mad at me, huh,jerry? Look, I'm sorry I laughed during your physical.

All right, uh, why don't we start...

byjust, uh, introducing ourselves.

Isn't that a waste of time? We do all know each other.

Have a little respect, Sharon. Bob's the shrink here.

That's right. If Bob wants to waste time with introductions, well, who are we to say no?

Tell us who you are, Stan.

- I'm Stan Whelan. - There you go, Bob. He's Stan Whelan.

Stan, you wanna talk about anything in particular?

Well,just that, as a gynecologist, I resent cheap gynecologyjokes.

Hey, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

See? it's just that sort of double entendre innuendo-

Next!

- Uh, I'll be next. - Go ahead, Bernie.

Uh...

my name is Bernard A. Tupperman...

and, uh, I'd like to talk about something that's been bothering me for a long time.

Uh, I didn't talk much when I was a kid.

Not that I didn't want to. it's just that I didn't have any friends.

[Giggling]

Phil,we don't actually laugh in group.

Yeah, but it is funny. He said he didn't have any friends.

Well, it may strike you as funny...

but group is one place where you should be able to freely express yourself...

without fear of being laughed at.

Yeah, but it is funny.

But we don't laugh.

But it is funny.

Why is Phil picking on people?

Wait a minute, Sharon. You haven't been introduced yet.

I'll finish the introductions.

She's Sharon, Vmjerry, that's Stan, that's Phil, Bob's Bob, and you're Bernie.

Now let's get goin'!

All right, well, a good way to get going is by trying to get in touch with yourself.

[Screams]

L-I think Sh-Sharon is getting in touch with herself.

She's getting in touch with New York.

Are we all supposed to scream now?

You do, and I'll breakyour nose.

You do, and you'll fix it. Free.

I think the reason that Sharon screamed is, she's frustrated because of all this arguing.

Uh, Sharon, you wanna talk?

- [ RaspyVoice] I can't talk. - Good. Let Phil talk.

Okay. You see, there was this friend of mine-

- Baloney. You don't have any friends. - I have a lot of friends!

And none of'em are trolls!

You guys are acting like a bunch of kids.

- Okay, then you talk. - I don't have to if I don't wanna.

W-We aren't getting anything accomplished here.

Nobody's willing to open up.

- Well, I'd like to open up, but- - But what?

Well, I don't know. I'm not sure I can discuss my problem in front of everyone.

Sure. Go ahead, Stan.

- Let it all hang out. - Okay.

Even though it's been 15 years since I started practicing gynecology-

[Giggling]

Phil, can't you control yourself at all?

Yeah, I will. I will. [Clears Throat]

All right, that's it. I've had it. We're not getting anywhere.

I mean, all we've done so far is scream and giggle and call each other trolls.

Youjust can't function as a group.

- Does this mean the co-op is over? - As far as I'm concerned.

- Whew! - I gotta get some water.

If that's the way you feel. I never thought it would work anyway.

I'm willing to keep this going on an individual basis!

Bob, Bob, I really am sorry. I tried.

- Sure. - But it was funny.

- What happened? - It's over, Carol.

The great Rimpau Medical Arts co-op experiment has ended.

Not quite, Bob.

Shall we start with my childhood?

- Hi, honey. - Hi, dear.

What's that doing here?

Oh, I brought it home because I, uh-l love it so much.

I realized,you know, I was rushing down to the office to see it...

and I was rushing away from you, you know.

Then I had a great idea.

I thought maybe I'd, uh, bring it here, and then when I rushed home to see it...

I'd be rushing home to see you.

Why don't you put it with the toboggan.

Yeah, maybe the dust bunnies'll like it.

[ Mews]