Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello?

Ah. Hi, honey. How was thejogging?

Fine. Fine.

Boy, it's a long block.

That's all you ran? just one block?

Well, actually, I didn't run the whole block, but--

[Clears Throat] I made up for it. I did some deep knee bends in the elevator.

- Uh-huh. - [Knocking]

Oh, I'll get that. You must be worn out from running almost a whole block.

- Oh. Hi, Howard. Come on in. - Oh, hi, Emily.

- Ah, what's up? - Oh, Emily, I hate to askyou this, but, uh...

can you drive me someplace this afternoon?

- Oh, sure. No trouble. - Thank you. Uh...

I'm in no condition to drive anyplace today.

What-- What's the matter, Howard?

- Well, I'm having an operation. - An operation? On what?

I can't say.

- Oh, uh, Emily, you want to leave the room? - Oh.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not anything like that. I'm, uh, having a tooth removed.

What is it? A wisdom tooth, Howard?

It's a baby tooth. Never fell out.

Thought of a string and a doorknob, Howard?

It's not funny, Bob. I'm-- I'm scared to death of dentists.

I just can't go there by myself. I knowl can't.

Howard, now, I'll take you there, I'll wait for you...

you'll have your little tooth removed, and I'll take you home.

Thank you, Emily. Bob, there's just one favor I'd like to ask of you.

- Sure. What is it, Howard? - Uh, convince me that I shouldn't pick up that phone...

and call my dentist and cancel my appointment.

You shouldn't do that, Howard.

No, that's not good enough.

That's good enough.

- Hi, Carol. - Emily, hi.

- Is Bob busy? - He's got somebody now, but he should be through in a minute.

Oh, good. I'll make myself some coffee.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I just took Howard to the dentist.

Oh, is that your neighbor Margaret's little boy?

No, that's my neighbor. Howard Borden.

I thinkyou met him at our place once. Do you remember?

- Howard. Howard Borden. - [Cofiee Machine Buzzing]

He has something to do with birds, doesn't he? Big birds?

Well,you're close. He flies a big bird.

He's a navigator for ajet airliner.

Oh, now I remember.

Uh, Emily, would I, uh, like him?

- You know, I thinkyou would. - More, more.

Well, he's, um-- He's gentle. He's kind. He has a terrific personality.

Right. I know the type. A real loser.

Wai-- Carol.

Howard Borden is anything but a real loser.

- Well, he must be married then. - No. He's divorced.

Does he have papers?

[Chuckling] I can't tell you how alive you made me feel in there.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Well, you, uh-- you did most of it, Mrs. Walker.

Oh, but you made me-- you made me feel things that I've never felt before.

[Clears Throat] Thank you. Thank you.

You know something? I thinkyou're the most beautiful person I've ever met.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- It was a... tough session. - Yeah.

L, uh, could see that. [Chuckles]

Oh, yeah, she's-- she's happily married.

Her-Her problem is she's, uh, trying to give up smoking.

Oh.

Uh, what brings you here?

Well, would you believe it? Howard's dentist is right in this building.

Good. Come on in the office, and, Carol, let me know when my next patient gets here.

Bob, if there are any cigarette butts in that office, you're in a lot of trouble.

So, you got, uh-- you got Howard to the dentist all right?

Oh,just barely. When we passed the barbershop in the lobby...

he had an uncontrollable urge to get a haircut.

I practically had to drag him and the barber pole upstairs.

Well, the main thing is you got him here. That's what counts.

Yeah, but, Bob, you should have seen him just sitting there in that waiting room...

whistling the theme from The High and the Mighty.

Bob, what do you think of Carol and Howard?

Oh, they're nice.

Oh, no, no. I meant together.

Emily, uh, what-- what did you have in mind?

Well, Carol thought she might like Howard. Do you think they'd hit it off together?

Honey, sit down.

Psychologists spend years trying to repair the damage you're thinking about doing.

I only know of one case where a blind date has worked out.

Aw, you mean us, huh?

No, that would be two.

The case I'm referring to is contained in that volume on abnormal psychology.

[Chuckles] Okay, Bob. I get the message.

Oh. Sorry. Didn't know you had a patient in here.

- Jerry! - I was just kidding.

I knew that was Emily all along. I was just joking.

- H I, j erry. - He//0.

I've only got a minute. I got a kid in the chairwith a thing in his mouth.

Do you, uh-- Do you have a good tax man, Bob?

- Yeah. I have his card right here in the desk. - Good.

I'm making more money this year than I made before in my whole life.

- Oh,jerry, that's terrific. - Oh, no. That's not terrific.

Unless I get a great tax man...

I may end up making less money this year than I ever made in my whole life.

Uh, here it is,jerry. His name is Michael Gordon.

Uh, that's his office number.

Jerry, what do you think of blind dates?

Thanks, Emily. Maybe later. Right now I got a kid in my chairwith a thing in his mouth.

See, honey? Nobody believes in blind dates.

I better go see if Howard's finished. I'll see you at home, darling. Bye-bye.

Yes, Carol. I love flying.

The freedom, the serenity.

That's the way it is up there in the big sky.

It's almost like a-- like a religious experience.

That's beautiful.

- Yes, it is. - [ Rings]

- Doctor's office. - Howard?

- Oh, hi, Emily. - Hi, Howard. How are you?

Hi, Emily.

I feel so-- so light.

They must have given you sodium pentothal.

- I don't know, but I wouldn't tell me a secret right now. - [Chuckles]

Uh, they did take your little tooth out, didn't they?

Of course. It was a piece of cake.

Oh. Howard, I'm so glad it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

Oh, it wasn't bad at all. It was like a-- like a religious experience.

- I'm back. - You know, I f-- feel so great.

I think I'll, uh-- I think I'll walk home.

Howard, that's almost 2O miles.

Well, then maybe I'll just walk to the elevator.

Carol, it's been a wonderful experience talking to you.

L, uh-- I won't forget it.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

Emily, I want him.

- Oh, hi. Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, hi.

No. The time went fast.

- Excuse me. What'll you have, sir? - That looks exotic. What's that?

A martini.

Well, that's the way they serve it here.

Yeah. I'll have a-- a scotch and soda.

And hold-- hold the flowers.

- So, uh, Howard and Carol aren't here, huh? - No. They're coming separately.

On one date there are gonna be four separate cars.

Well, Bob, what could we do? I mean, you were coming from the office...

I was at the Board of Education all day...

Carol's taking a cab from home, and Howard is coming from Guam.

And for this I gave up Monday Night Football.

There was nothing I could do. I mean, once Carol saw Howard, she thought he was terrific.

And, you know, the strange thing is he was.

Maybe that baby tooth has been holding him back all these years.

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. I'm, uh, sorry I'm late. - Hi.

Hi, Howard. Don't worry about it. Carol isn't here yet.

Carol?

- Your date. - Oh, yeah. Oh, is that her?

Howard, don't you remember what Carol looked like?

Well, uh, honestly, no. Boy, that sodium pentothal is powerful stuff.

Well, the e-evening's off to a great start, isn't it, Emily?

- Hi, everybody. - [ Both] Hi.

Hello, Howard.

Excuse me.

Is that her?

- Yes. - Carol. You look terrific.

- Uh, have a seat. - Oh. Thanks, Howard.

You look great too. I love your uniform.

Yeah. Well, I had it tapered.

Oh.

Should-- Should be a couple more minutes. Why don't you order a drink?

Yeah. Oh, they make a drink here. it's so special. it's just terrific.

It's, uh-- It's, uh-- I just can't think of the name of it.

HarveyWaHbanger.

Oh. Howard Borden.

L, uh--l come here all the time, Harvey.

Uh, these are my friends. This is Bob Hartley.

This is, uh, his wife, Emily.

- Uh, this is my date-- - Carol.

Carol.

No. You see, the drink we specialize in is called a HarveyWaHbanger.

Oh, well, that's not it.

- Here are all the drinks we serve. - Thank you.

The, uh, maTtre d' said it'd only be a few minutes. It's taking so long.

Oh, it's only been a few minutes, Bob.

Seems a lot longer.

Look, uh, I'll get us a table. You have to know how to talk to these people. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[Sighs] Pardon me. Uh, these are my friends over here...

and my name is Howard Borden, and, uh...

we would, uh, kind of like a-- [Clears Throat]

Table, uh, right now.

Oh. You must want the maTtre d'.

I'm waiting for my wife to come out of the ladies' room.

- You mean you're not the, uh-- - No.

Gee, I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed. Uh--

Tell you what. Uh, keep the five.

Emily, I don't want him.

Emily, I want to thank you for probably the worst evening...

I have ever spent in my entire life.

Bob, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I mean, it-- it wouldn't have been so bad if--

- if Howard hadn't spilled ketchup all over Carol. -//

L-- I can't figure out what happened.

- Well, he was just hitting the bottle, and it-- - No.

No. I mean with Howard. I've never seen him like that before.

Was he any different than he always is?

Oh, Bob, sure. Usually when he spills ketchup on people...

he doesn't follow it with a bad Count Dracula impression.

Well, we know what the speciality ofthatjapanese restaurant isn't.

[Knocking]

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard. Listen, uh, we're--

we're really sorry about tonight.

- Aren't you, Emily? - I really am sorry, Howard. Really.

Really.

Really? Well, I'm sorry you didn't have a good time...

because I had the greatest time in my whole life.

- You did? - Yeah. Carol's terrific. She's not like the other girls I date.

I mean, they're beautiful. I mean, just beautiful,you know?

Carol's bright and smart. The other girls are a little light in the piazza.

We're, uh-- We're really glad you had a good time tonight, Howard.

Really.

Too bad she had to leave early.

Coming down with a cold like that right in the middle of dinner.

That wasn't so bad. Then she got a headache and a sore throat...

had cramps, and then her-- her whiplash started acting up on her again.

I've never seen anybody get so sick so fast.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of that going around.

Yeah. Poor kid. I think I'm gonna give her a call.

No. That won't do any good. She told me her phone was out of order.

Anyway, thanks for a wonderful evening. Wow!

Bob.

Do you believe it? Howard had a good time.

One out of four isn't good enough.

[Phone Ringing]

[Clears Throat] Uh, Carol, the phone is ringing.

I know that.

Aren't, uh-- Aren't you gonna answer it?

No.

It may be for me.

Trust me. It's not. It's Howard.

- Howard? My Howard? - [ Ringing Continues]

Certainly not my Howard.

He's been calling me every day for the past week at exactly 11 :57.

See? He keeps calling, and I keep refusing.

And, Bob, he's buying the most incredible excuses.

I even told him my whiplash was contagious.

[Ringing Continues

Hello? Uh, Howard--

Oh, hello, Mr. Peterson.

No, I'm not disappointed it was you and not Howard.

Yes. I-- I really like you.

See? There- There you go with that whole rejection thing.

Well, I can see how-- how letting a phone ring for 27 times without answering it...

could be misconstrued as rejection.

Uh, what did you want to talk to me about?

You thinkyou're finally getting over that whole rejection thing.

But now you're not so sure.

Yeah. Why don't you come in this afternoon? We'll talk about it.

Right. Good-bye.

From now on, Bob, first ring.

- [ Rings] - Oh.

Hello? Oh, hello, Howard.

My whiplash? Oh. Worse. Oh, it's much worse.

- Hey, Bob. You got a minute? - Yeah.

I just came from my first meeting with your tax man, and, boy, is it gonna work out great.

About dinner at your place tonight, Emily didn't tell me what I should wear.

- Uh, anything you want. - Oh, good. I got this great new suedejacket I'm dying to wear.

- And I got this great new date I'm dying for you to meet. - She sounds kind of special.

And how. She's a dentist.

Our tax man says that our whole affair will be deductible.

- Oh. Thank you. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I'll get it.

- Hi, Bob. - Oh, hi, Howard.

Oh, uh, Emily, I hope you won't be disappointed if I can't stay for dinner tonight.

I've gotta fly. Sol thought I'd just come over for drinks.

That's too bad, Howard. What would you like to drink?

- Uh, nothing, thanks. I'm flying tonight. - Oh.

Howard, what did you do with your date?

Well, I don't have a date. I asked Carol...

but she has a folk dance class, and she said she'd be too sweaty.

Have a seat. The other people should be here any minute.

Can I use your phone? I'd like to call the airport and see ifmy flight's on schedule.

- Yeah. Uh, use the one in the den. - Thanks, Bob.

- Bob, do you think maybe we ought to tell Howard that Carol-- - Uh, Emily, stay out of it.

- You gave at the office. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I mean it's strictly between them.

- He's gotta find out sooner or later. - Well--

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. - H1; Bob. H1; Emily.

Probably sooner than later.

- Honey, you want to help Carol with her-- with her coat? - Oh, yeah.

Carol, let me, uh-- You lookjust--

Jerry, uh, what happened to your deductible date?

She canceled out at the last minute. Flu. Sol called Carol, and she was free.

Yes, it's a rare, freaky occurrence when I don't have a date on a Tuesday.

Isn't that lucky?

Well, everything is A-okay.

Carol? Carol!

Howard. Oh. It's Howard.

Well, Howard, long time no see.

Yeah. I thought you were going to be sweaty tonight.

Well, no. Uh, no.

Uh-- Uh--

Well, now I don't have to be the oddball. There's Bob and Emily. They're together.

I don't have a date, and you can be my date.

Everything will work out fine. There's only one thing I can't figure out.

What's he doing here?

I'm her date.

Oh. You're... her date.

All right, No one said a word about my new suede jacket.

Oh, it's-- it's really niceJerry.

Okay, okay. That's enough. Now I better hang it up before I spill something on it.

- I'll take it for you. - Oh, no. No. I couldn't lay that responsibility on you.

Just get me a wooden hanger and a plastic garment bag.

Tell you whaLjer. I'll show you where the closet is, then you're on your own.

Oh, Emily. I've seen every part of this apartment, but I've never seen your closet.

Well, it's just your- Oh.

Bob, I never felt so bad in my whole life.

I need a drink.

Howard, aren't-- aren't you flying tonight?

I don't care. I need a drink.

Well, Howard, I can't give you a drink if you're flying tonight.

- I'll take yours. - Howard...

that's diet cream soda.

I don't care.

Ah!

Oh, why did she do it to me? I thought she was always busy.

No one's ever done this to me before-- never in my whole life. Never.

Howard, everybody has to face rejection at one time or another.

I've never been rejected before.

Maybe you were and you didn't know it.

Uh-- Uh, h--

How's everything going in here?

Could be better.

- You want to have something to eat? - Sure. Thanks, Bob.

Um--

Howard.

- Uh, would you like a cheese puff? - No, thanks.

- I'll take Howard's. - Go ahead. Take everything I have.

- Uh, Howard, isn't there anything I can get for you? - Yeah. An aspirin.

Oh, they're in the medicine cabinet in the guest bathroom. I'll get 'em.

No, no, no. I'll, uh, get it myself. You stay here and enjoy the party.

I mean, nobody'll miss me anyway.

I'll, uh-- I'll just, uh, be in the bathroom.

It was just a cheese puff.

[Knocking]

Howard.

Howard, could I speak to you for a minute?

In here?

Yeah. Howard, I'd-- I'd like to explain, um...

why I've been putting you off.

Oh, well, I suppose this is as good a place as any for that.

Howard- Howard, when you came into the office...

there was something special about you.

I mean, I said--l said, “Wow. That guy is something special.“

And then we went to the, uh, Japanese restaurant, Howard, and, uh--

Well, I-- What happened? I mean, you weren't the same.

- Maybe it was my uniform. I was wearing my uniform that night. - [Knocking]

Uh, everything all right in here?

Yeah. We, uh--

We found out the problem was my uniform.

No, Howard. It's not your uniform.

Well, then I don't know what the problem is.

Well, if you don't know, Howard, then neither do I.

Look, uh, may-- maybe I can, uh, be some help here.

I mean, a lot of couples come into my office, and, uh...

very often their problem is lack of communication.

You came on too strong.

Now, Howard, if you would just relax and be yourself...

you'd make a much better impression than when you try too hard.

Well,you'd make a better impression if you came face-to-face with a person...

instead of ducking calls and making up lies.

Then again, maybe lack of communication isn't your problem.

- [ Knocks] - Everything all right in here?

- No. - No.

We're making progress. That's the first thing they've agreed upon tonight.

What happened to that great guy who came into my reception area...

and just swept me off my feet?

That great guy-- That great guy was a fairy tale.

I mean, that guy was doped. This is me.

Except for two aspirins and some diet cream cola, I mean, I'm sober tonight.

I'm very sober. This is me. If this me isn't good enough for you...

there is no other me you can have.

Carol, do you have any feelings about what Howard just said?

I think hejust swept me off my feet again.

Howard, do you have any feelings about what Carol just said?

Well, I don't know. I've gotta go.

Go?

- No, no. I mean I'm flying out. I've gotta leave. - Oh.

- Carol. - Oh!

I've never done anything like this before in my whole life. Never, never.

I don't know if it's you. I don't know if it's me.

I don't know if it's the atmosphere, but...

- come fly with me. - What?

Yes. We can leave Chicago in 2O minutes.

No, no, Howard. I can't just pick up and fly away. No, Howard. I'd have to pack.

No. I can buy you everything you need when you get there. Come fly with me.

- I'll show you places you never knew existed before. - Oh. No, Howard. Howard.

- What about work tomorrow? - No. Skip work. Bob won't mind.

What?

Oh, Emily. Emily. what would you do?

- I don't thinkyou want to know what I'd do. - Yes, I do.

Well, I'm afraid of flying. I wouldn't go.

Don't listen to her. Listen to me. Come on. Come on.

Oh. Mmm.

All right, Howard. I'll go. I'll go.

Excuse me, but the party out there's really nothing without you folks.

- Excuse me. - Excuse me.

- Excuse me. Oh, good-byejer. - Where're you going?

- Where are we flying to? - Canton, Ohio.

I'll drink to that.

You know, honey, I was really impressed...

with the way you handled Howard and Carol in the bathroom tonight.

That was, uh, sort of an impromptu session, wasn't it?

Uh-huh. Is that what you do at your office every day?

- More or less. - Oh.

Bob, I gotta tell you in all honesty.

You're overpaid.

[ Mews]