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1
00:01:18,571 --> 00:01:20,771
(Vince) Oh, my God.
2
00:01:21,771 --> 00:01:23,771
Oh, my God.
3
00:01:24,371 --> 00:01:27,771
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
4
00:01:30,571 --> 00:01:34,171
l'm rubbish at this. How do l look?
5
00:01:34,371 --> 00:01:38,571
You look fine. l don't see why
they couldn't use my place.
6
00:01:38,771 --> 00:01:42,771
- His flat's huge.
- But it doesn't mean my house is small.
7
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:47,771
(Quietly) Oh, my God.
Was that any good?
8
00:01:47,771 --> 00:01:50,171
Oh, my God!
9
00:01:51,571 --> 00:01:53,771
- What do you want?
- We were passing.
10
00:01:53,771 --> 00:01:58,571
- Thought we'd pick up those CDs.
- Well, you can't stay long, l'm busy.
11
00:02:02,171 --> 00:02:04,171
(All) Surprise!
12
00:02:05,771 --> 00:02:07,571
Oh, my God!
13
00:02:07,771 --> 00:02:10,771
- (Cheering)
- Ooh, happy birthday.
14
00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:13,571
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, you old git.
15
00:02:13,771 --> 00:02:15,971
- So how long has he known?
- Ages.
16
00:02:15,971 --> 00:02:19,171
- Did you tell him?
- No, he's not stupid.
17
00:02:19,171 --> 00:02:21,171
Hey, Vince.
18
00:02:21,171 --> 00:02:23,171
Ohh!
19
00:02:23,371 --> 00:02:26,771
l'll never live this down.
l told the Christmas club l'm 41 .
20
00:02:26,971 --> 00:02:29,571
l should have drowned you
when you were a kitten.
21
00:02:29,771 --> 00:02:31,571
- Hey.
- Congratulations, love.
22
00:02:31,771 --> 00:02:34,971
They've reached a diagnosis.
lt's migrainous neuralgia.
23
00:02:35,171 --> 00:02:38,171
They want a 24-hour sample
by Monday, so they can test me.
24
00:02:38,371 --> 00:02:41,171
lt's piss. lt's a bucket of his piss.
25
00:02:42,571 --> 00:02:45,371
Bit of hush, you lot.
Bit of hush, thank you.
26
00:02:45,571 --> 00:02:48,371
My name's Christine Cagney
and l'm an alcoholic.
27
00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:52,171
Now, it's disco trash all night,
so here's a rave from the grave,
28
00:02:52,371 --> 00:02:54,971
a revive 45, but that's enough of Hazel.
29
00:02:55,971 --> 00:02:58,771
- You cheeky sod, l'll have you.
- That'll be a first.
30
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:02,371
(& KC and The Sunshine Band:
That's The Way)
31
00:03:02,571 --> 00:03:04,571
& A-ha, a-ha, that's the way, a-ha a-ha... &
32
00:03:04,771 --> 00:03:08,771
(Guest) How does it feel to be 30, eh?
(Second guest) Nice one, Vince.
33
00:03:13,771 --> 00:03:16,171
- Thanks.
- 30.
34
00:03:17,171 --> 00:03:19,171
You cunt.
35
00:03:21,371 --> 00:03:24,571
30 years old. How did that happen?
36
00:03:25,771 --> 00:03:28,371
Eh? How did that happen?
37
00:03:29,571 --> 00:03:33,771
& That's the way, a-ha, a-ha,
l like it, a-ha, a-ha
38
00:03:33,971 --> 00:03:37,971
& That's the way, a-ha, a-ha,
l like it, a-ha, a-ha... &
39
00:03:38,171 --> 00:03:40,171
Look at this. l know millions of people.
40
00:03:40,371 --> 00:03:43,971
Hiya. l've been to the council
and l'm seeing a woman on Tuesday.
41
00:03:43,971 --> 00:03:47,771
- We're getting a flat off the council.
- How come? You tell me nothing.
42
00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:58,771
Donna, love, did no one say it was
a party? Shame, you coulda dressed up.
43
00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:03,171
Come and see the bar. They've got
whisky and gin and everything.
44
00:04:04,771 --> 00:04:08,971
- (& Kool and the Gang: Celebration)
- How's he gonna sleep with this noise?
45
00:04:09,171 --> 00:04:12,771
He's used to it.
Siobhan plays whale songs all night.
46
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,371
- (Alfred gurgles)
- Sh-sh-sh-sh.
47
00:04:17,771 --> 00:04:20,571
- (Alfred sneezes)
- Oh. Look at him.
48
00:04:20,571 --> 00:04:23,171
- No idea.
- (Alfred coos)
49
00:04:23,371 --> 00:04:26,171
Romey, l thought
we could do the photos now.
50
00:04:26,171 --> 00:04:28,371
Er... lf that's all right with Vince.
51
00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:31,371
- lt's his party.
- lt's just for this marriage thing.
52
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:35,171
We're taking photos wherever we go,
like we've known each other ages.
53
00:04:35,371 --> 00:04:38,171
- You don't mind, do you?
- Course not.
54
00:04:39,171 --> 00:04:42,971
- & Come on, let's celebrate... &
- (Alfred gurgles)
55
00:04:43,171 --> 00:04:45,171
Look at him.
56
00:04:45,171 --> 00:04:47,971
Nought years old.
57
00:04:48,971 --> 00:04:52,971
Do you remember in school,
we used to talk about being 20.
58
00:04:54,371 --> 00:04:57,771
The plans we made. We were
going to get a flat and live together.
59
00:04:57,771 --> 00:05:01,771
- Yeah.
- Still could. You can move in here.
60
00:05:01,971 --> 00:05:06,171
- We can get a house together. l'll pay.
- Don't know what Cameron would say.
61
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:08,771
- He's bought you a car.
- He hasn't.
62
00:05:08,971 --> 00:05:12,371
He got me the Trial Of A Time Lord
box set, which l've already got.
63
00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:18,571
lt's parked round the corner. He's gonna
bring it round when we do the presents.
64
00:05:18,771 --> 00:05:22,771
lt's just a Mini, four hundred quid,
but...it's a car.
65
00:05:23,571 --> 00:05:25,771
That's a bit heavy.
66
00:05:25,771 --> 00:05:27,771
Do you know what l'd do?
67
00:05:27,971 --> 00:05:30,171
Run.
68
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,371
Run like the wind.
69
00:05:42,371 --> 00:05:44,971
Party...they'll be, erm...
70
00:05:48,571 --> 00:05:50,571
& lt's a celebration
71
00:05:50,771 --> 00:05:54,971
& Celebrate good times, come on
72
00:05:55,971 --> 00:05:57,971
& Let's celebrate
73
00:05:58,771 --> 00:06:00,971
& We're gonna have a good time tonight
74
00:06:01,171 --> 00:06:03,371
& Let's celebrate... &
75
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:08,371
Harvey Wallbanger. Best drink on God's
earth. Just a sip, then back on the pop.
76
00:06:08,571 --> 00:06:11,571
- What's he do, that Cameron?
- He's an accountant.
77
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:15,571
l said that the Tylers'd
marry into money, one day.
78
00:06:15,771 --> 00:06:17,971
- What?
- Shagging an accountant.
79
00:06:17,971 --> 00:06:20,171
- Oi, do you mind?
- He's nice.
80
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:23,971
- Nice? lmagine shagging someone nice.
- He's not a real boyfriend.
81
00:06:24,171 --> 00:06:26,571
Vince shuts his eyes
and thinks of Stuart.
82
00:06:26,571 --> 00:06:28,571
- Sad man.
- (& Tonic: SOS)
83
00:06:28,771 --> 00:06:32,971
- Ooh, fab. Nathan, we're dancing.
- Hazel, save us a cocktail.
84
00:06:33,771 --> 00:06:36,771
- Sorry about them.
- Pass us that ladle.
85
00:06:39,371 --> 00:06:43,171
lt's him - Dazz.
Nathan thinks he's so impressive.
86
00:06:43,371 --> 00:06:45,371
Drinks coming up.
87
00:06:47,771 --> 00:06:51,571
They're taking the piss?
They can have some of Bernie's.
88
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,371
Smile.
89
00:06:55,571 --> 00:06:58,771
Romey, have you told them?
They've set a wedding date.
90
00:06:58,971 --> 00:07:02,771
- Yeah. 25th.
- Another party. l've never been so busy.
91
00:07:02,971 --> 00:07:06,571
- Thing is, we're keeping it small, private.
- You're not invited.
92
00:07:06,571 --> 00:07:08,971
That's it, thanks. End of film.
93
00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:14,571
l mean, no offence,
but if you lot come to the registry office
94
00:07:14,771 --> 00:07:18,771
and someone from the Home Office
turns up, it's going to look a bit gay.
95
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:20,771
Last thing we need. Siobhan!
96
00:07:20,971 --> 00:07:23,571
Load another film. We'll go and change.
97
00:07:23,771 --> 00:07:27,171
Lance was looking
at the birth certificate, this morning.
98
00:07:27,171 --> 00:07:29,971
Nice blank space
where the father's name goes.
99
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:33,171
- Makes adoption easy.
- Didn't you put your name down?
100
00:07:33,371 --> 00:07:35,571
He didn't want to.
Too much responsibility.
101
00:07:35,771 --> 00:07:39,171
Like you said, Stuart,
no harm in keeping it blank.
102
00:07:39,171 --> 00:07:41,171
What could possibly go wrong?
103
00:07:41,171 --> 00:07:43,371
- Fuck you.
- Nice comeback.
104
00:07:43,571 --> 00:07:45,771
Vince, someone for you at the door.
105
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:55,571
Janice, don't stand there. Come in.
106
00:07:55,771 --> 00:08:00,171
No, er... l would have called in the day
but l didn't wanna spoil the surprise.
107
00:08:00,371 --> 00:08:03,571
- Come and have a drink.
- l suppose Nathan's in there.
108
00:08:03,571 --> 00:08:07,171
- He won't mind.
- He wouldn't want me turning up.
109
00:08:07,371 --> 00:08:12,771
That's to say thanks...for looking
after him. Not long till his birthday.
110
00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:15,571
16. He'll be able to live anywhere.
111
00:08:15,771 --> 00:08:18,171
How am l going to find him then?
112
00:08:18,371 --> 00:08:21,371
(& Jimmy Somerville:
Never Can Say Goodbye)
113
00:08:21,371 --> 00:08:23,571
& l never can say goodbye
114
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:28,971
& Ooh, no, no
115
00:08:29,171 --> 00:08:30,971
& l never can say goodbye
116
00:08:30,971 --> 00:08:32,771
& No, no, no, no, no, no,
117
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,771
& No, no, no, ooh, ooh... &
118
00:08:36,171 --> 00:08:38,971
(Alexander) Shut your noise.
lt's time for presents.
119
00:08:39,171 --> 00:08:41,771
lf anyone's got him
a Jeff Stryker cock and balls,
120
00:08:41,971 --> 00:08:44,771
you're getting booted out,
cos that is so unoriginal.
121
00:08:45,771 --> 00:08:49,371
That's every episode of Saved By
The Bell with Zack taking his shirt off.
122
00:08:49,371 --> 00:08:52,571
- l've been four years taping that.
- What's Saved By The Bell?
123
00:08:52,571 --> 00:08:57,171
- Lesbians.
- Get a move on, Vince. l want to dance.
124
00:09:01,171 --> 00:09:03,171
That's from me.
125
00:09:03,371 --> 00:09:07,171
- You've given me a present.
- That was to throw you off the scent.
126
00:09:08,571 --> 00:09:10,571
(Muttering)
127
00:09:10,771 --> 00:09:13,571
(Guest) Ohh!
(Second guest) Car keys.
128
00:09:13,771 --> 00:09:15,771
Oh, my God!
129
00:09:17,571 --> 00:09:21,371
Cameron, you bastard,
l have never been so upstaged.
130
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:26,171
- lt's parked outside.
- Last one down's sleeping with Dane!
131
00:09:26,371 --> 00:09:28,571
Don't all rush.
132
00:09:35,771 --> 00:09:37,771
Wow!
133
00:09:38,771 --> 00:09:39,771
(Hazel) Wahey!
134
00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:41,771
- Da-da!
- You lucky man.
135
00:09:41,971 --> 00:09:44,771
So that's why you haven't been drinking.
136
00:09:44,771 --> 00:09:48,371
lt's only second-hand,
but it'll get you about.
137
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:52,371
- Come on.
- lt's a Mini. A clapped-out, old Mini.
138
00:09:52,371 --> 00:09:54,371
lt's pathetic.
139
00:09:54,571 --> 00:09:56,771
l'll get you some more of that drink.
140
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,971
Bernie, fetch us your bucket.
141
00:09:59,171 --> 00:10:01,571
Serious present, Vince.
142
00:10:01,571 --> 00:10:03,771
lt's like being married.
143
00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:08,171
Run like the wind.
144
00:10:09,571 --> 00:10:11,971
- (Engine starts, guests cheer)
- Wooh!
145
00:10:14,171 --> 00:10:16,571
(Beeps horn)
146
00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:24,171
(Alfred whines)
147
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:43,171
l love it. l'm just saying that l'm gonna
pay half. You can't spend all that.
148
00:10:43,171 --> 00:10:45,771
Take the keys, cos l'll only get pissed.
149
00:10:46,971 --> 00:10:49,571
- (Gasps)
- (Guest) Wow!
150
00:10:49,571 --> 00:10:51,771
Oh, my God!
151
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:58,171
Where did you get it?
Did you hire it, or what?
152
00:10:58,371 --> 00:11:00,371
Happy birthday.
153
00:11:00,571 --> 00:11:04,371
- But...you got the party and everything.
- All right, l'll take it back.
154
00:11:04,571 --> 00:11:06,171
Watch this.
155
00:11:16,771 --> 00:11:20,771
That is completely, completely fantastic.
156
00:11:20,771 --> 00:11:23,971
- (Woman) l want one!
- God, l'm so sad.
157
00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:30,571
(& Jacksons: Shake Your Body Down)
158
00:11:42,171 --> 00:11:46,771
You're never going to fuck him,
so why do you keep him waiting?
159
00:11:46,971 --> 00:11:49,171
He's not 30, he's 12.
160
00:11:50,171 --> 00:11:52,371
You're keeping him at 12.
161
00:11:53,771 --> 00:11:55,971
& Move it up and move it down... &
162
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,171
Come on up and get your cock out.
163
00:12:12,171 --> 00:12:14,171
(Buzzer)
164
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:21,171
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss...Alexander Savage!
165
00:12:21,371 --> 00:12:23,371
(Cheering, screaming)
166
00:12:23,571 --> 00:12:25,771
(& Spice Girls: The Lady ls A Vamp)
167
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:38,171
- Looks better on him.
- You're more of a gay man than l am.
168
00:12:38,371 --> 00:12:40,771
(Mouthing words)
& ..a cooler shaker
169
00:12:40,971 --> 00:12:43,971
& Marley, Ziggy
170
00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:46,971
& Melody maker
171
00:12:46,971 --> 00:12:50,171
& She's a Bond babe, kick some ass
172
00:12:54,171 --> 00:12:56,971
& Baby love a so glam queen
173
00:12:57,171 --> 00:12:59,771
& Sing the blues a love supreme...
174
00:13:01,571 --> 00:13:03,971
& ..Grady's, T-birds, to the moon above
175
00:13:04,171 --> 00:13:06,971
& That's all in the past
176
00:13:07,171 --> 00:13:10,771
& Legends built to last
177
00:13:10,971 --> 00:13:12,971
& But she's got...
178
00:13:15,771 --> 00:13:17,771
& ..dude
179
00:13:18,571 --> 00:13:21,171
& Cos the lady is a vamp
She's a vixen not a tramp
180
00:13:21,371 --> 00:13:23,171
& She's a da-da-da-da-da da da
181
00:13:30,971 --> 00:13:34,771
& Scary, Baby, Ginger
182
00:13:34,971 --> 00:13:36,571
& Posh
183
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:41,771
& Sporty, yes, now that's your lot
184
00:13:42,771 --> 00:13:45,771
& We're the Spice Girls
185
00:13:45,771 --> 00:13:48,371
& Ready to go
186
00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:51,371
& Ladies and gents,
can you please take your seats
187
00:13:51,371 --> 00:13:56,171
& And we hope that you
enjoyed the show &
188
00:14:03,571 --> 00:14:05,571
(Cheering, whistling)
189
00:14:14,571 --> 00:14:17,171
Hiya. Happy birthday.
190
00:14:17,371 --> 00:14:20,171
Yeah, thanks.
Didn't know you were coming.
191
00:14:21,171 --> 00:14:23,971
Thanks. lt's a bit wild, erm...
192
00:14:24,171 --> 00:14:26,771
- They're all drunk.
- l'm late.
193
00:14:26,971 --> 00:14:29,971
Your mate, Stuart,
he said don't come till late.
194
00:14:30,171 --> 00:14:34,171
Are you hungry? l'm hungry.
We could go and get a curry.
195
00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:37,171
- We could. l've had enough of...
- Here she is!
196
00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:40,171
Rosalie, have you met Cameron?
Come and say hello.
197
00:14:40,371 --> 00:14:42,571
Cameron! This is Cameron.
198
00:14:42,771 --> 00:14:47,371
Cameron is Vince's boyfriend.
Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit.
199
00:14:47,571 --> 00:14:50,171
He's bought him a car.
He's the perfect boyfriend.
200
00:14:50,371 --> 00:14:55,171
They're practically married.
Put your coat in the bedroom.
201
00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:57,771
Vince, get her a drink.
202
00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:04,371
- ls that the girl from work?
- (Sniggers)
203
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,771
Bloody coat.
204
00:15:07,971 --> 00:15:10,771
Blimey, there's a baby.
Whose is that? Bless him.
205
00:15:10,971 --> 00:15:15,971
lt's a bit big, this place, isn't it? lt's huge.
You'd have the heating on full time.
206
00:15:15,971 --> 00:15:19,371
Taxi driver couldn't find it.
He drove round for ages.
207
00:15:19,371 --> 00:15:21,771
He is my boyfriend. He's...
208
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:26,171
- He's nice. He's...
- Actually, l think l'll head off home.
209
00:15:26,171 --> 00:15:30,371
l've had this head all day.
lt's a bit loud. l'll be clobbered.
210
00:15:30,571 --> 00:15:32,971
Best if l go. Happy birthday, then.
211
00:15:35,771 --> 00:15:37,571
- Vince.
- Fuck off.
212
00:15:49,771 --> 00:15:52,571
l'll phone you a taxi.
lt's the middle of the night.
213
00:15:52,571 --> 00:15:56,971
You said girlfriend.
All those times, you said girlfriend.
214
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,971
Do you sit with your mates,
215
00:15:59,171 --> 00:16:01,771
do you sit and laugh
at me because l'm such a big joke?
216
00:16:01,971 --> 00:16:06,571
That girl at work, she fancies me.
She's so funny cos she's so stupid.
217
00:16:07,771 --> 00:16:10,171
l'm really sorry. l should have said.
218
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,571
You're just a liar, Vince.
219
00:16:13,771 --> 00:16:18,171
And you're a poof.
You're a dirty, little poof.
220
00:16:22,171 --> 00:16:24,971
What the fuck was that for?
She's just a kid.
221
00:16:25,171 --> 00:16:26,971
Just leave it. Leave it.
222
00:16:27,171 --> 00:16:29,371
We're going. Let's just go.
223
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,771
What does he do at work?
Christ, but you're such a bastard.
224
00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:35,771
That's it. We're going.
225
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,171
- What about the robot?
- l don't want it.
226
00:17:56,971 --> 00:17:59,371
l've seen better.
227
00:18:00,171 --> 00:18:03,571
He left half his presents behind,
gave me the keys.
228
00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:06,771
l gather l missed all the drama.
Too busy dancing.
229
00:18:07,971 --> 00:18:10,771
Title of my autobiography, that is.
230
00:18:10,971 --> 00:18:14,371
There's a tape in the video,
belongs to him.
231
00:18:29,971 --> 00:18:31,971
There you go.
232
00:18:32,771 --> 00:18:34,771
Thanks.
233
00:18:35,571 --> 00:18:37,771
Right, l'm off.
234
00:18:45,971 --> 00:18:50,171
Vince comes home, he says, ''There's
this new boy at school, this lrish boy.''
235
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:53,571
l had weeks of it. Stuart this, Stuart that.
236
00:18:53,771 --> 00:18:55,971
And then he didn't mention you at all.
237
00:18:56,171 --> 00:18:58,771
Like the two of you had a secret.
238
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,571
You tipped up, soon enough.
That bank holiday.
239
00:19:01,771 --> 00:19:05,171
Both of you drunk. 14 and drunk.
240
00:19:05,371 --> 00:19:07,971
l saw you, l thought,
''Clever little bastard''.
241
00:19:07,971 --> 00:19:11,971
- That's right. Everyone have a go at me.
- l said clever.
242
00:19:13,171 --> 00:19:15,171
Did it on purpose, didn't you?
243
00:19:15,171 --> 00:19:17,571
That's one hell of a push you gave him.
244
00:19:19,371 --> 00:19:22,971
Can't do things on the quiet, can you?
Has to be a spectacle.
245
00:19:23,171 --> 00:19:26,371
- Couldn't you have told him to sod off?
- Like he'd listen.
246
00:19:26,571 --> 00:19:29,171
Hazel, he'd follow me around for ever.
247
00:19:30,171 --> 00:19:31,971
Yeah.
248
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,371
Cameron's all right. He's good for him.
249
00:19:34,571 --> 00:19:36,971
- Cameron won't last.
- He might.
250
00:19:37,171 --> 00:19:41,771
He won't.
Still, leaves room for the next Cameron.
251
00:19:42,971 --> 00:19:45,971
Right, l'm late, l'm off.
Oh, one more thing -
252
00:19:45,971 --> 00:19:49,171
don't suppose you've seen
a bucket of piss, have you?
253
00:19:53,571 --> 00:19:56,571
- Have you said anything?
- None of my business.
254
00:19:56,771 --> 00:19:59,171
He's trying to make sense of it, poor sod.
255
00:19:59,371 --> 00:20:03,571
But if you want it to make sense,
you have to see Vince as important.
256
00:20:03,771 --> 00:20:06,771
And he's never
gonna manage that, is he?
257
00:20:09,371 --> 00:20:13,371
- See you, kid. Look after yourself.
- l always have.
258
00:20:15,571 --> 00:20:18,771
Keys are on the table.
He doesn't want them back.
259
00:20:54,771 --> 00:20:56,571
(Phone)
260
00:20:58,771 --> 00:21:00,771
What?
261
00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:03,171
What do you want? Fuck off.
262
00:21:06,771 --> 00:21:07,971
What for?
263
00:21:07,971 --> 00:21:10,571
(& Robbie Williams:
Let Me Entertain You)
264
00:21:15,571 --> 00:21:19,371
& Look me up in the Yellow Pages
l will be your rock of ages &
265
00:21:21,171 --> 00:21:23,371
Don't pretend you're not bothered.
266
00:21:23,571 --> 00:21:26,771
When she marries him,
your child will have a new father.
267
00:21:26,971 --> 00:21:30,771
l'm much more interested
in why it bothers you.
268
00:21:30,971 --> 00:21:35,371
He's moved in permanently,
just in case the Home Office checks up.
269
00:21:35,571 --> 00:21:39,571
He's got his things in our bedroom.
Her bedroom. Just in case.
270
00:21:39,771 --> 00:21:43,571
He's sleeping with her?
Oh, my God, they're having sex.
271
00:21:43,771 --> 00:21:47,771
Stuart, l have very good reason
to believe she's a lesbian.
272
00:21:47,971 --> 00:21:50,771
Have they? Have they?
Have they shagged?
273
00:21:50,971 --> 00:21:55,171
She's put his name on the deeds
to the house...just in case.
274
00:21:55,371 --> 00:21:57,771
lt's her house.
She can do what she wants.
275
00:21:57,771 --> 00:22:02,371
l've been there for six years, paying half
the mortgage, with nothing in writing.
276
00:22:02,371 --> 00:22:04,771
And you the solicitor.
277
00:22:04,971 --> 00:22:07,371
lf Romey and l split up, l get nothing.
278
00:22:07,571 --> 00:22:09,571
Ahh.
279
00:22:09,771 --> 00:22:13,771
l see, l thought this was a love story,
but it's just a mortgage.
280
00:22:13,771 --> 00:22:16,171
Yeah, l'm simplifying for my audience.
281
00:22:17,171 --> 00:22:19,971
She's only doing the right thing.
She always does.
282
00:22:20,171 --> 00:22:24,371
She's saving a man from being deported.
She's so bloody correct.
283
00:22:26,371 --> 00:22:28,571
So, it's down to us to stop her.
284
00:22:31,571 --> 00:22:34,771
First six months we went out,
she wrote to me all the time.
285
00:22:34,971 --> 00:22:37,971
She still writes to me now,
like it's some sort of record.
286
00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:42,171
- The thoughts of Romey Sullivan.
- Lesbian letters.
287
00:22:43,771 --> 00:22:47,771
- Can l read them?
- Doubt it - joined-up handwriting.
288
00:22:49,371 --> 00:22:53,771
But they'd make the Home Office
see things in a very different light.
289
00:22:54,971 --> 00:22:59,571
Here's the address. lt's a Mrs Lake. She's
in charge of Lance's visa application.
290
00:22:59,571 --> 00:23:02,571
Hold on. Why do l have to send them?
291
00:23:02,571 --> 00:23:05,371
These could only have come
from inside the house.
292
00:23:05,371 --> 00:23:08,371
- You send them.
- You're in the house all the time
293
00:23:08,371 --> 00:23:11,571
and, of course,
you're a malicious bastard.
294
00:23:11,571 --> 00:23:13,771
We could send them anonymously.
295
00:23:13,971 --> 00:23:17,371
They're from inside the house.
Someone's got to take the blame.
296
00:23:18,371 --> 00:23:20,571
Romey will never forgive you,
297
00:23:20,571 --> 00:23:25,371
but she's got a good solicitor to remind
her that she can't deny the father access.
298
00:23:25,371 --> 00:23:27,971
So, it all becomes my fault.
299
00:23:28,771 --> 00:23:30,971
l look after your child every fucking day
300
00:23:31,171 --> 00:23:34,371
and every night,
he is screaming the place down.
301
00:23:34,571 --> 00:23:36,371
You owe me.
302
00:23:51,171 --> 00:23:53,171
Too much information.
303
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:01,371
Leave me alone.
304
00:24:19,771 --> 00:24:21,771
- Yeah.
- (Nathan) 'lt's me.'
305
00:24:21,971 --> 00:24:25,971
- 'l was just passing...'
- Nathan, fuck off.
306
00:24:25,971 --> 00:24:29,171
'They've been round all day,
Vince and Cameron.
307
00:24:29,371 --> 00:24:33,571
'They've been calling you all sorts.
l just thought, l mean...
308
00:24:33,571 --> 00:24:35,771
'Are you all right?
309
00:24:37,371 --> 00:24:39,971
- 'Stuart?'
- Fuck off.
310
00:24:54,171 --> 00:24:56,571
Nathan. Nathan.
311
00:24:56,771 --> 00:24:58,971
- Nathan!
- 'Yeah?'
312
00:24:59,171 --> 00:25:01,171
Come on up.
313
00:25:46,371 --> 00:25:48,371
(Television plays)
314
00:25:50,571 --> 00:25:52,971
lt's dodgy, that lift. l got stuck.
315
00:25:53,371 --> 00:25:55,171
Hiya.
316
00:25:57,371 --> 00:25:59,971
Cameron thinks you're mad.
Like, really mad.
317
00:26:00,171 --> 00:26:01,971
l said, ''You don't even know him.''
318
00:26:02,171 --> 00:26:06,971
And Vince said you'd be laughing.
l told him. l said, ''That's not fair.''
319
00:26:07,171 --> 00:26:11,571
Nathan, you're just a little boy.
Don't fucking think you know me.
320
00:26:16,771 --> 00:26:18,571
(Sighs)
321
00:26:23,571 --> 00:26:26,171
Look, maybe you should go.
322
00:26:26,371 --> 00:26:28,371
lt's not Vince, it's...
323
00:26:30,371 --> 00:26:33,771
- lt's lots of things.
- Like what?
324
00:26:34,971 --> 00:26:39,171
(Stuart) lf l send the letters,
Romey's bound to find out it was me.
325
00:26:39,371 --> 00:26:41,771
Then she's gonna hate me.
326
00:26:41,971 --> 00:26:43,771
Yes.
327
00:26:43,971 --> 00:26:47,571
- What if someone else sent the letters?
- Like who?
328
00:26:48,371 --> 00:26:50,371
Dunno.
329
00:27:03,971 --> 00:27:06,971
l could do it.
The letters - l could send them.
330
00:27:06,971 --> 00:27:09,971
l've been in that house,
l could have taken them.
331
00:27:10,171 --> 00:27:12,771
l'll do it, l will.
332
00:27:18,571 --> 00:27:23,371
lt's still gonna come back to me.
Romey's gonna think l asked you.
333
00:27:23,371 --> 00:27:26,171
l'll say you didn't. l'll take the blame.
334
00:27:26,371 --> 00:27:28,371
She's still gonna ask why.
335
00:27:28,571 --> 00:27:32,371
Oh, l dunno.
Cos l didn't want you to lose Alfred.
336
00:27:32,371 --> 00:27:35,371
Cos even if you wanted me to,
you'd never ask.
337
00:27:43,171 --> 00:27:45,171
Yeah, you'd never ask.
338
00:27:48,571 --> 00:27:51,971
You'd get me to do it, but not by asking.
339
00:28:05,171 --> 00:28:07,171
Look at you.
340
00:28:08,371 --> 00:28:10,571
All you had to do was ask.
341
00:28:16,971 --> 00:28:19,771
Cos you're mad, you are. You never say.
342
00:28:22,571 --> 00:28:25,371
Do you want me to take the letters?
343
00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:28,371
Ask me. Go on, ask me.
344
00:28:28,371 --> 00:28:30,371
l'm not bothered, OK?
345
00:28:31,171 --> 00:28:33,971
Do you love him, though?
Do you love Alfred?
346
00:28:35,571 --> 00:28:37,571
Cos you don't say it.
347
00:28:38,771 --> 00:28:41,571
You can't, can you?
Look at you, you can't.
348
00:28:42,771 --> 00:28:46,571
- Do you love Vince?
- All right, Nathan, fuck off.
349
00:28:48,571 --> 00:28:51,571
Ask me. Go on, just ask me.
350
00:28:52,571 --> 00:28:54,771
l'll sort it out myself. l don't need you.
351
00:28:54,971 --> 00:28:57,771
l'll do it. And not for a shag.
352
00:28:57,971 --> 00:29:00,771
l'll do it cos l'm stupid
and l sort of love you.
353
00:29:01,571 --> 00:29:05,371
- Put them down.
- Too late. l'm in love.
354
00:29:10,771 --> 00:29:15,771
Lance is gonna be deported and what
would Vince would do if he was here?
355
00:29:15,971 --> 00:29:19,371
He'd stop you. Vince would stop you.
356
00:29:21,171 --> 00:29:24,571
No Vince. You've just got me.
357
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,971
You were right, about Vince.
358
00:29:35,171 --> 00:29:38,371
lf he hears about this,
he'll come running round.
359
00:29:38,371 --> 00:29:41,171
- So?
- So don't tell him.
360
00:29:41,371 --> 00:29:43,571
Are you asking?
361
00:29:43,571 --> 00:29:46,371
Yeah.
362
00:29:46,571 --> 00:29:49,171
OK. You could say thanks.
363
00:29:52,771 --> 00:29:54,971
You can't say it.
364
00:29:55,171 --> 00:29:56,971
Stuart Jones.
365
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:59,171
You're such a twat.
366
00:30:14,371 --> 00:30:16,371
(Nathan) Hello?
367
00:30:16,971 --> 00:30:19,171
Can anyone hear me?
368
00:30:20,371 --> 00:30:22,171
Hello?
369
00:30:22,771 --> 00:30:24,771
Hello?
370
00:30:25,771 --> 00:30:27,771
Hello?27471
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