Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Joanna, would you step on it?

I have to be at the studio in 15 minutes.

- I fixed the furnace and re-insulated the pipes.

It's always fun to see how many chores I can squeeze in

while Joanna does her makeup.

- It's a-always been a gas for me too, George.

- Hey, Georgie, our mini muffinette

had another milestone.

- She sucked my finger.

- And--and before that, she--she spit up.

- Both--both momentous events.

- Boy, I'm never around when history is made.

When Brooke Shields did her first Bob Hope Easter special,

I was stuck in a donut shop

waiting for the buttermilks to come out of the oven.

- Y-You missed a very funny Peter Cottontail sketch.

- Damn, damn, damn.

- Hello, Stephanie.

- Henry.

Michael, Dick, this is Henry Tashman,

one of Mummy and Daddy's jaded lawyers.

- Gentlemen.

- Henry's in charge of my clothing fund.

So, what brings you up from Rhode Island?

- Your parents wanted to give your precious baby a gift.

So they bought a local property for her.

- Why?

There's nothing worth buying around here.

Dick found out the hard way.

- Yeah, a good--good stiff wind

and we're u-under a mountain of matchsticks.

- Is that true, or is it a joke?

- It's a--it's a--it's a joke.

And not, uh, not-- not a very good one.

- Then why humiliate yourself needlessly?

- Dick has this pathetic need to be the center of attention.

- So what worthless piece of property

is baby Stephie stuck with?

- Your baby is now the sole owner of the local TV station,

WPIV.

- WPIV!

- I talked your parents out of buying her CBS.

- Oh, Steph, imagine, our bubeleh

will be a baby mogul at six weeks.

- Michael, you also will have a position at the station.

- Jumping mother of Moses, you mean

this hombre is back in the showbiz saddle?

- Oh, God, please no.

- According to the terms of the gift,

your official title will be that of figurehead.

- Figurehead! Did you hear that, Steph?

I'm a figurehead!

- Oh, Michael, it's what you've always dreamed of.

A meaningless title with no responsibility.

- A-And you did it through hard work a-and perseverance.

Henry, s-since Michael is going to be an impotent figurehead,

who--who is going to make all the decisions?

- Why, my baby of course.

- The center of the stinking universe.

- Oh sweetie, you've made Mommy and Daddy so proud.

Yes, you have.

Oh yes, you have.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Would, uh, would one of you mind telling me

how a baby who can't talk i-is going to run a TV station?

- Steph, give this doubtin' Loudon

a sample of how our cuddly one communicates.

- Is this expensive Scottish cashmere?

Yes or no?

[BABY GIGGLES]

See?

She's wiggling her feet, that means no.

- When she means yes, she does this.

- Well, that will certainly inspire confidence

at WPIV board meetings.

Cut it out, Michael.

- Okay, honey, we can go now.

I'll do my final touch-up in the car.

- Hey, Jo-Jo, guess what?

My illustrious in-laws

have gifted our golden child with WPIV.

From now on, your show and Dick's

will be part of the baby Stephanie broadcasting network.

- The baby is going to run the station?

- That means yes.

- Hey, it's Mikey Harris.

You guys remember him.

Oh, sure you do.

He's the obnoxious little guy who had a bright future here

until it all came crashing down on his head.

- On his head.

That's a good one, Pauley.

- Paul, there's something you should know.

- Stephanie's parents bought PIV and gave it to the baby.

It's nuts, but... the kid is your boss.

[CREW MURMURS ENDEARMENTS]

- You want it all at once

or every day for the rest of your life?

- Every day sounds good.

- Michael, introduce baby Stephanie

to all her little workers.

- National brotherhood of yokels.

- These are your cameramen and soundmen.

This is Paul.

He was once a producer.

Now, he's your diaperman.

[CRIES]

- Hi, cutie pie.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Jo-Jo has to go finish her makeup

so she can look pretty for you on her show.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Boy, what a suck-up.

- Excuse me, someone has to work around here.

ANNOUNCER: In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont Today, starring Dick Loudon.

Vermont Today

is a Baby Stephanie Harris Production.

Brought to you by the generosity of

the cutest baby in the whole wide world.

Yes, she is.

Oh yes, she is.

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Welcome to Vermont Today , I'm your host, Dick Loudon.

The only word that describes my very special guest is well...

genius.

Hello, Roland Myers.

Father of modern lawn furniture.

- Hi, Dick.

- Roland, I know the burning question on everyone's mind is

how--how did you get the idea for--for lawn furniture?

- Well, one August afternoon, many years ago,

I was sitting on the grass sipping lemonade

and I thought, "If only I had something to sit on

like a regular person."

An hour later, I built the first lawn chair.

- I've never seen the baby shake her feet so vigorously.

- Do you think our little darling

has deduced that Dick is drab?

- Well, she was bound to find out sooner or later.

- I have an embarrassing confession to make.

I didn't use foam in my first cushion.

I used little chunks of chopped-up wood.

[LAUGHS]

- And you revealed this t-to the world on--on my show.

I-I gotta tell you, folks, Vermont Today,

i-it just doesn't get any better than this.

- And, of course, I needed something

to put the lemonade on.

So that's why I invented the lawn table.

- Fascinating.

Oh, damn, our--our time is up

and we've only--only just scratched the surface.

I'd like to thank my--my fascinating guest,

Roland Myers.

Remember, folks, transcripts for today's show are available

but please, only one to a family.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- Baby Stephanie wants to see you, Dick,

and she's not happy.

No, she's not. Oh no, she's not.

- Dick, this is so hard.

Uh...Baby Steph's firing you.

- She's what?

You're what?

[BABY CRIES]

- Well, don't think it's easy for her.

But she has to ask herself, why throw good money after bad?

- This--this is crazy! A-After that amazing interview?

- Well, she just didn't respond to the material.

She was also dying for you to pick up the pace.

- The baby told you that?

- Well, not in so many words.

- Like none?

- She was kicking her feet like crazy.

- And she had another way of showing how she felt.

- You just couldn't pick up the pace, could ya?

- I mean, I-I don't believe it.

I-I've had a-a TV show here for--for seven years

and a-a kid wiggles her feet and poops, and I-I'm out.

- Oh, sweetie.

Couldn't you give Dickie another chance?

Say, a week to change the direction of his show

so you like it?

[BABY VOCALIZES]

She's mulling.

- What if I don't want to change the direction of my show?

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh, Dick, I wish you hadn't said that.

Oh, Paul?

[BABY CRIES]

- Psst, Dick.

I'm not afraid to take an unpopular position.

I like you.

That's why I'm giving you this.

- "A list of guests guaranteed to appeal to Baby Steph."

Who's--who's Helen Badaglia?

- A wet nurse.

- You expect me to interview a-a woman

wh-whose breasts are for hire?

- Dick, trust me.

Lean on me.

Those marketable mammaries can be your meal ticket.

- Michael, you're a boob.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother, Darryl.

- Larry, is this important?

- As philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre

once imparted to Darryl

in a French bistro on the Left Bank,

nothing is really that important.

Then he stiffed Darryl with the bar tab.

But we're not here to ramble existentially.

We're here to save Dick's show from dying on the vine.

- My show is not dying.

- Of course, you're right. We're wrong.

As long as he has the steak knife in his hand,

we better humor him.

- I think you've already got one foot off the ledge.

If the boys allege to have a hedge

that'll give you an edge, I'd like to hear it.

- [SIGHS] "A list of Darryl's personal friends

"who could save Dick's show from dying on the vine."

Billie Holiday.

Billie Holiday is--is dead.

- That explains why she ain't had us over lately

for carrot cake and sing-a-longs.

- Wait, here's someone who is still with us.

George McGovern.

Senator George McGovern?

How--how did Darryl get to know George McGovern?

- Well, due to his extraordinary campaign strategies,

Darryl was responsible for McGovern's landslide victory

in the '72 presidential election.

- Guys, McGovern, uh, he sort of lost to Nixon that year.

- Oh?

Well, I guess that explains why Darryl hasn't been invited

to The White House for carrot cake and sing-a-longs.

- Y-You could really get George McGovern on my show?

- Whoa, Dick, what have we been talking about?

The baby's not gonna relate to a politico.

Unless, this McGovern, does he do funny faces?

- Maybe you'd like it better if he--if he wore a silly hat.

Or--or better yet, dressed up as a pickle.

- Dick, it'll take at least two weeks

to get a good pickle costume made.

- And thank you so much for the long-stemmed red roses.

I'll put them right on the new wet bar

you had installed for me.

- Wet bar?

I don't even--I don't even have a toilet!

- Thanks for booking this politician guy, Dick.

Baby Stephanie's going to have me working overtime.

- By the way, Pauley,

I left some wingtips by your locker.

I stepped in something this morning,

see what you can do.

ANNOUNCER: In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont Today , starring Dick Loudon.

- Wel-Welcome--welcome to--to Vermont Today .

I'm--I'm Dick Loudon, and it's a privilege to have,

as my special guest,

the former senator from South Dakota, George McGovern.

[CLAPPING]

Wel-Welcome, Senator.

- Thank you, Dick. It's a pleasure to be here.

- You know, there's a-- there's a burning question

I-I've got to ask you.

What was it like to run f-for president of the United States?

- Well, it was a pretty interesting experience.

But it was also a lot of hard work.

- Oh, I'll--I'll bet.

So, uh, so you're saying that--that it was, uh...

it was interesting and, uh...

at--at the same time hard, uh, hard work.

- That, uh...

that pretty well sums it up.

- Her feet are going a mile a minute.

- Those two don't jazz things up,

she's going to pull the plug.

- What's with that Dick?

I throw a wet nurse in his face

and he doesn't even bite.

- Senator...

- Dick, we have to confab.

- Go away.

- Everything all right?

- Yes, yes.

This man, he just--he wants to get your--your autograph.

He's a, uh, he's a-a liberal.

- Really?

He looks like a shallow, self-centered,

materialistic yuppie to me.

- Thanks!

- Get off the stage.

- Dick, the red flag's a-flying.

Now, if you don't pique my infant's interest soon,

she'll have Buddy pull the pluggy.

- You know, I-I'm sure a-a lot of our younger viewers

would like to know a-about your childhood.

When you were a kid,

did you ever think about what it--what it would be like

to run for--for president o-of the United States?

- I think I thought it would be interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

- Wow!

Oh--oh my God. Uh...

- Is something wrong, Dick?

- I, uh...call me--call me Dickie-poo.

- Dickie-poo?

- Or Dick-a-dee or Dick-a-dile.

Dicky-wicky.

Just--just take your pickie.

- Well, uh, Dicky-wicky...

I thought maybe we could talk about

the state of the union under the present administration.

- Alrighty-roonie.

Can--can we, uh...

can--can we do it while we--while we--we do this?

- What? Why are you acting like this?

- Because it's fun!

- You, uh...

you have some medical problems?

- No, no, I'm just naturally happy Dicky-wicky.

Come on, Georgy-worgy, rub your tummy.

I'll--I'll be your best friend.

- You mean like this?

- Sen-Senator, uh, pl-please stop.

- But this is fun!

- I'm, uh, I'm terribly sorry.

Look.

Some people encouraged me to go after the youth market,

but, I mean,

if it means making a man of your stature look idiotic,

I-I just--I just won't do it.

Now l-let's get back to our political discussion.

How did your wife feel when you decided to run f-for president?

- Well, I think she found it interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

DICK: Well, uh, I see we've run out of time.

This is, uh, this is Dick Loudon thanking my guest,

Senator George McGovern, and saying...

goodbye forever.

NEWS REPORTER: And now the headlines.

A lot of really bad stuff happened today.

But we don't want to hear about that, do we?

No, no, no, we don't.

We want to hear happy stuff.

Well, Wittle Niki Learner caught a wittle yellow butterfly today.

And it was sooooo pwetty.

And Niki was soooo happy.

- Boy, what a scoop!

Hi, Dick.

Sorry about the really bad stuff that happened to you today.

The news reporter said you'll probably be replaced

by Wittle Niki Learner.

- Well, we're all going to miss Dick's show terribly.

But there is some good news.

The baby gave me a company car.

- Just for kissing up?

It's a mockery.

Where's the car? Where's the car?

- Outside, wanna go for a spin?

- Oh, boy! Do I?

It's a mockery.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, Potty Patter

with your host, Wittle Niki Learner .

- Oh, look who's here.

It's Dicky-wicky.

- It's Dick. I had it legally changed back.

- We held a behind-closed-doors session with Baby Stephie

and well, she's wavering.

- I don't care, she's not my boss anymore.

- Fine, if you don't mind losing your TV show.

Michael, come on, let's go warm up the baby's bottle.

- We'll be right back.

Keep a peeper on our pisher.

[BABY GURGLES]

- I think what you're doing is unfair.

[BABY GURGLES]

All right, all right, maybe you...

maybe you do know what you like.

But, I mean, I'm aiming for an audience who can,

you know, walk and talk.

[BABY GURGLES]

Well, s-sure, you know,

you can go on about your--your--your demographics

and your--your TVQ.

But, I-I mean, th-there's room f-for shows with substance.

[BABY GURGLES]

So you agree?

You know, I mean, you know,

th-there are enough dumb programs on the air.

Like Joanna's. [BABY LAUGHS]

But I--I think if you watched Vermont Today regularly

you--you might grow to--to like it.

Look, I-I don't want to take any more of your time.

Can--can I have my--my show or not?

[BABY GURGLES]

Oh, thanks, boss!

You're okay!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.