Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Morning, Dick, Joanna.

- Hi, George. W-Where have you been?

- Why? Did you drive past the Johnson place

and see someone resembling me fixing the roof?

- No.

- Good, because it wasn't me.

I'd never take an outside job on your time.

- Good, because I'd probably have to

chop your hands off if you--if you did.

- You would?

- We've done it before.

- In that case, I'm sure it wasn't me.

- Hi. I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows.

- Look, Darryl, roofing tar.

I told you that was George

behind the rubber nose and glasses.

- What's, uh, what's--what's going on, fellows?

- Well, we're trying to lift Darryl's spirits.

We used to take him to the petting zoo,

but we've been banned

since Darryl got caught shaving his name on a llama.

- Wasn't that during their two-week llama-rama?

- Why is Darryl so depressed?

- Well, whereas Darryl and I

enjoy the simple pleasures of life,

like folk dancing and ferret tug,

Darryl here would rather slop his mind

with something less strenuous.

In short, a heart-popping, down-and-dirty game of chess.

- You know, Dick was on his high school chess team.

- Well...captain.

- Listen Darryl, I think I hear the sound of a gauntlet

being heaved in your direction.

- G-Guys, I haven't played chess

since we--we snared the state championship,

so, I, you know, I might be a little rusty.

- [IN LOW VOICE] Oh, go on, honey, it'll be fun.

And if he happens to slaughter you, so what?

It's not like he's going to tell anyone.

- Okay, okay, Darryl, you're on.

I should warn you,

I was awarded the Browns rook three years running.

Choose for first move?

- On the street, it's whoever lets a match burn

closest to his fingers without screaming.

- Why--why don't I just--just go first?

- Wow, Dick, you are good.

- George, that is the most common opening move in chess.

- And you can spout off statistics, too.

- Come on, Darryl.

- Aren't you going to stay and watch the game?

- And leave those ferrets untugged?

Priorities, George.

- Oh, hello. Welcome to the Stratford.

- Is that Little Georgie all grown up?

- But we haven't called him Little Georgie

since his 50th birthday.

- It is Georgie. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

- Oh, me too. Who are you?

- You don't remember your Aunt Bess?

- Aunt Bess, it's really you?

Oh, boy.

No offense, but 45 years ago, you looked much younger.

- So did you, Georgie.

Last time I saw you, you were 13.

Oh, your body still makes that cracking noise when I hug you.

- So does yours.

Say, I'd like you to meet my friends.

That's Dick,that's Darryl, and that's Joanna.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- George, I-I thought y-you didn't have any relatives.

- Well, uh, she's not really my aunt.

She's a close friend of the family.

I'll never forget those Saturdays in Rutland.

Aunt Bess had an old house on the lake.

That was during WWII.

That's short for World War II.

- Thanks for putting it in terms I could understand, George.

- That was such a long time ago,

and before I moved down to Tampa.

I'm up here for a funeral.

- Don't they have any in Tampa?

- Oh Georgie, you haven't changed a bit.

Old Herb Sweeney finally passed away.

He was 103.

- Well, I guess old age catches up with all of us

sooner or later.

- Oh, it wasn't that.

He died on the job at the market.

He was lifting a sack of potatoes above his head,

showing off shamelessly to some giggling co-eds,

when the sack ripped open.

Poor fool never knew what hit him.

- Another--another freak potato accident.

- George, maybe your Aunt Bess would like to stay with us

while she's here.

- Could she? Could she? Could you?

- I wouldn't want to impose.

- Oh, we'd love to have you.

George, go get her luggage and I'll show her to Room 3.

- Well, if you're sure.

- This will be just like old times,

except we're not in Rutland,

and we're both 45 years older,

and there's no old house on the lake,

and we're not still fighting the Nazis.

- But except for that, the illusion's complete, George.

Got you on the ropes, huh?

- How long has he been here?

- Ten and a half hours.

Didn't you notice him

when--when you were doing your cleaning?

- Dick, this is a big room.

You can't expect me to notice every little odd and end.

What's he doing?

- He's playing chess with me.

- Oh, what does the winner get?

- The satisfaction of outwitting his opponent.

- No, I mean, what do you win?

Cash? Prizes?

Fabulous trips?

- Y-You don't win anything.

- Oh, this chess thing will be popular for a long time.

- What a lovely dinner, Joanna.

- Thank you.

- If you think her fettuccini is good,

she makes this great dish with macaroni and cheese.

Now what's that called again, Joanna?

- Macaroni and cheese.

- You know what would taste good right now?

One of your homemade cherry tarts.

- You remember the time you snuck a whole batch

out of my kitchen?

- How'd you know that was me?

- Oh Georgie, it takes more than a rubber nose and glasses

to fool your Aunt Bess.

- Old habits die hard.

- It's too bad life can't be as pleasant as it was

during World War II.

- It's almost a shame it had to end.

- Yeah, I remember Mom worked in a munitions plant.

Dad used to call her "Swing Shift Sally."

- I thought your mother's name was Maureen.

- It was, but there was already a "Swing Shift" Maureen.

- Did your dad fight in the war?

- No, he tried to enlist but they wouldn't take him

because of that bum chin of his.

- That's--that's what kept me out of Korea.

- Those days, you couldn't tear Georgie away from the radio.

As I recall, your favorite was the Goldbergs.

- That's because I had a crush on Gertrude Berg,

until my dad showed me a picture of her.

- Georgie, is that a hole in your sock?

- Yeah.

- Didn't I just darn that for you 45 years ago?

- Well, it ripped again when disco got big.

- We're going to march right up to your room

and darn it again.

Then we're going through your whole sock drawer.

- Oh, boy.

- I'm not going to have you walking around

like some ragamuffin.

- Gee, when was the last time you heard the word "ragamuffin"?

- Just about the last time I heard the word "disco."

- Georgie, all your socks are worn out in the same place.

- I know, that's where I keep my lucky penny.

- Doesn't it hurt to walk around on a penny all day?

- After years of walking around on my lucky chunk of shrapnel,

this is a breeze.

Oh look, here's Dad's old chin strap.

And there's still plenty of life left in it.

- Oh, the laughter and cruel jokes

he had to endure when he wore this.

But I couldn't help myself.

- Here's a picture of me by the old Studebaker.

Remember the night Dad let me camp out in the backseat

in front of your house?

- You always were quite the little soldier.

- Gee, I can't find one picture with you in it.

I remember that Dad took a whole bunch.

- I have them all down in Tampa.

After the war, he thought I should keep them.

- Why?

You think he'd want to remember all the good times we had.

- Well, there are some good times

that are best left unremembered.

- What are you talking about?

- I really thought you would have figured this out years ago.

Georgie, I was your father's mistress.

- Didn't Darryl want any breakfast?

- He wouldn't touch it.

He's just sitting there staring at that stupid chessboard.

Are we sure he's alive?

- We think so, but to be positive,

you could put a mirror under his nose.

- Ew, forget it.

What if he breathed on it or something?

- Do chess games normally take this long?

- He still hasn't made his first move.

Maybe I should go in and concede right now.

- Honey!

No, you can't quit.

I mean, you were the captain of your high school chess team.

- I wasn't-- I-I wasn't the official captain.

- No?

- I was the--I was the recording secretary.

I counted all the pieces af-after the game

to make sure no one--no one had swiped any.

- That's it?

- Well, they don't count themselves, you know.

- Morning, all.

Hope I'm not crowdin', Loudon.

- Hi, Michael. How have you been?

- Say hello to the town's newest bag person.

- You've been kicked out of your condo?

- No, I'm working the checkout line

at Minky's Grocery.

There was an opening after the last guy bought it

trying to hoist a sack of spuds.

Could you part with a tart?

Mm, yummy-licious.

- H-Hi, George. Where-Where's Aunt Bess?

- You mean Aunt Hotsy-Totsy?

- Is that the same aunt we met yesterday?

- George, how could you say such a thing?

- I see she pulled the wool over your eyes too

with that innocent elderly act.

- George, I don't mind saying I'm Utley confused.

Give us the 4-1-1.

- Sorry, Michael, this story is not for the ears

of a decent woman.

- Maybe I'll go see if Darryl's breathing.

- You want to tell us about it, George?

- Hold on to your hats.

Last night, I found out Aunt Bess

was my father's whoopie girl.

- Wh-Whoopie girl?

- No wonder she's so good at making tarts.

- And all this time, you never knew

she was your padre's compadre?

- So obvious, and I never, ever picked up on it.

- Gee Dad, how come Mom isn't coming on our sleepover

to Aunt Bess'?

- What did I just tell you?

- Oh, right.

No girls allowed.

But isn't Aunt Bess a girl?

- She's a woman, Georgie.

All woman.

- I got my canteen. Where's yours?

- Right here.

- Why are you packing those stockings?

- These are special prescription stockings for Aunt Bess.

Doctor's orders.

- Oh, they're soft.

- They're silk.

- Well, I hope they work better than the prescription nightie

you bought her last week.

- We can only hope.

How would my little major

like to camp out in the car tonight?

You could be on, uh, enemy watch.

- Oh, boy. And I can wear these.

That way, if old Hirohito comes looking for Georgie Utley,

he won't recognize me.

- Take them off, son.

Hirohito might be the enemy, but he's not stupid.

Here soldier, why don't you add these to your K-rations?

- Hot dog, a Hershey bar.

You're okay, Dad.

- Eat it one letter at a time, son.

It's got to last you all night.

How do I smell?

- Hubba hubba woo woo woo, Dad!

- Come on, son.

Let's hit the beach.

- Hey Dad, I'll bet you a nickel I'll have more fun than you.

- Don't be too quick to throw your money away.

- Hubba hubba woo woo woo?

- He smelled like a real cad, Dick.

- Well, you're lucky.

At least your old man didn't bring his girlfriends home

and parade them around

in front of his wife and children.

- Gee, Michael, your father did that?

- No, but wouldn't that be horrible?

- You can't--you can't change the past.

You're just--just going to have to come to terms with it.

- Did your father ever do this?

- To my mother? Are you nuts?

- Morning, George.

Morning, Dick.

- Hi. Hi, Aunt Bess.

This is our friend, Michael. Michael Harris.

- Hi, Aunt Bess. - Nice to meet you, Michael.

- You can save your clever come-on lines.

He's not the kind of guy you'd fall for.

He's a bachelor.

- Georgie?

Georgie?

Is that you?

- How did you know I was down here?

- Your dad once told me this is where you go to think,

and measure yourself.

- What an odd thing to say during the throes of passion.

- I just wanted to let you know

I'm all packed up and ready to go.

- Good.

- George, this has been an emotional couple of days,

what with you finding out about your father and me

and seeing old Herb Sweeney

laid out in his bag boy uniform.

- Why did you have to tell me about you and Dad?

- I'm sorry. I really thought you knew.

- I still can't believe it.

You and Dad carrying on.

- I know, and I had to bear the shame of it all these years.

If there's one thing in my life I regret,

it's those seven sordid minutes with your dad.

- Seven minutes? That's it? It didn't go on for years?

- Heavens, no.

But it was enough to brand me a mistress for life.

To this day, I still don't know what possessed him

to stay over that Saturday night.

- Oh, my God.

I've been remembering it all wrong.

- Oh, please, Dad.

Can't we stay over at Aunt Bess' just this once?

- I don't think that's such a good idea, son.

I should be here to fix breakfast for your mom

when she gets home from work.

- Oh, but Dad, if we slept over, we could get up bright and early

just when the fish are biting.

Mom would like it if we brought home some trout.

- Well, your mom does love her trout and eggs.

Okay, maybe just this once.

- Hot dog.

- I'll ask Aunt Bess if it's all right for you

to sleep in the house with her.

I suppose I can sleep in the car.

- Oh jeepers, Dad, not fair.

How come you get to have all the fun?

Can't I sleep in the car and you sleep with Aunt Bess?

- No, I don't think that's such a good idea.

- Don't worry, Dad. I'll be safe.

I'll lock all the doors

and in case Hirohito comes looking for Georgie Utley,

I'll put these on so he won't recognize me.

- Take them off, son.

Hirohito may be the enemy, but he's not stupid.

- It was all my fault.

I practically threw him in your bed.

- Don't go punishing yourself, George.

I've been doing it 45 years and it's not worth it.

Maybe it's time we put all this behind us.

- Yeah, we all make mistakes.

Yesterday, I did an outside roofing job

for the Johnsons on the sly.

I pulled the wool right over Dick's eyes.

- I'm sure you did.

Come on upstairs and have some cherry tarts with me.

- Hot dog, cherry tarts. You're okay, Aunt Bess.

- You're okay too, George.

- Seven minutes?

- And that included drinks.

- What are you doing up so early?

- Why haven't you told me about this fascinating game?

- Well, I assumed you wouldn't be interested, you know,

because you have to use, you know, your brain.

- Dick, how little you know me.

I love to think.

- R-Really?

- I read somewhere it stimulates the hair follicles.

I mean, you don't get this

without putting in a little hard work.

- Well, you'll go bald watching this game.

He--he hasn't moved a muscle in two and a half days.

Darryl, make your damn move.

Yes, it's your move.

You've been sitting here for two and a half days

thinking it was my move?

You see the pawn? That was my move.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!