Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Mail call.

- Right here! Here I am.

- It's for Dick.

- Oh, fud.

Why do we even bother having a mailbox?

- It's a status thing.

- Boy, Dick, that's some rooster.

- It's-it's a hand, George.

- Are you sure? It looks more like a rooster.

- Okay, it's a rooster.

You want it?

- Wow, thanks!

Look Joanna, an original unsigned Dick.

- Nice rooster.

- Oh honey, listen to this:

th-the Brookville Academy wants me to speak

at their commencement ceremonies next Saturday.

- Well, that's wonderful.

I don't believe I've ever heard of the Brookville Academy.

- A-And listen to their motto: "Educating tomorrow's leaders."

Not--not followers, mind you, leaders.

- Why would they want you to speak?

You're not important.

- Stephanie, I'm a successful author and talk show host.

- Yeah?

- Maybe somebody lost a bet.

- Hi ho, Loudon, and Loudon counterpart.

Hello, Stephanie.

- Michael.

- So, that's some bag you've got there, Michael.

- It's for you.

It's all the little momentos you've given me

through the years.

I figured you'd want them back now that we're apart. So...

- "Number One Lover"? I didn't give you that.

- Right, I-I bought it for myself.

It was on sale.

- Well, it would be silly for you to keep these things.

After all, we mean nothing to each other anymore, right?

- Right.

- Michael, guess who's going to speak

at the Brookville Academy's commencement ceremonies?

[CRYING]

I-I-I am.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my bro...

Uh-oh, Darryl, I think we may have wandered in

on some smooth boys in action.

- What, uh, what can I do for you guys?

- We've come to remind you about our dinner party this Saturday.

Also, to tell you to dress casual,

although Darryl does have strong feelings

about people who wear culottes to dinner.

- Oh Larry, I'm sorry, we can't make it this Saturday.

Dick has a speaking engagement.

- As I recall, when we made these dinner plans

four months ago, you promised to be there.

We should have known you were just slipping us

the old rubber possum.

Come on, Darryl.

- Guys, guys, wait.

What--what if--what if Joanna went alone?

- What?

- I guess that would be okay.

I don't think so, Darryl.

Even though Miss Joanna will be coming unescorted,

she's still a married woman.

- Larry, you know I'd love to go,

but Dick needs me at the graduation

to look on adoringly as he speaks.

- Hey JoJo, what if I go with you?

I don't have a life.

And the unemployment office said

I should never turn down a free meal.

- What do you say, Miss Joanna?

We'll be serving most of your favorite vertebrates.

- Then how could I say no?

- Great.

Darryl, why don't you watch TV,

so I can discuss the dinner menu.

They may have food allergies.

We don't want their throats to swell shut.

- You know, Lar, I do seem to have

a slight reaction to jumbo shrimp,

although regular shrimp doesn't affect me.

And clams, well, don't get me started.

- Actually, that was just a clever ruse

so I could explain my desperate need for company.

See, even though my brothers are more fun

than a barrel of Jan Murrays, they...

they're just not deep thinkers.

They'd rather spend their time making teeth mosaics

than discussing anything of relevance.

- Kids today, you know, if-if they're not watching MTV,

they're--they're making tooth art.

Guys, would, uh, would you like me to turn that TV on for you?

Oh--oh, Joanna, do you find this inspiring?

"As you leave these hallowed halls and go forth--"

- I don't want to hear it.

Because of you, I may have to eat beetle tonight.

- I-I understa--I understand it tastes like, uh, chicken.

Honey, would--would you stop worrying?

Y-you'll have a great time.

All--all you have to do is-is-is believe in yourself,

and if you believe in yourself, you can climb any mountain,

ford any stream, follow any--

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Uh, it-it's from my speech.

Were--were you inspired?

- Yeah, to get a gun.

- Salutations, Dick, and date.

Are you ready for a scrumptious dinner of God knows what?

- Ready as I'll ever be.

Been coating my stomach since this morning.

- Now listen up, Michael.

I want Joanna home at a decent hour

and I don't want her walking in here

with her blouse misbuttoned.

- Don't worry, sir.

I'll have your spouse in her blouse

in the house by 11.

- Good--good lad.

Well, I'm off to enlighten the future leaders of America.

Joanna, are-aren't you going to wish me luck?

- Are you going to be eating bugs for dinner tonight?

- 'Night, honey.

- Don't you have a home?

- I'm here to escort Joanna to Larry, Darryl and Darryl's

for an evening of fine dining and highbrow conversation.

You ready? We better get there before our dinner slithers off

or waddles off.

- Goodnight, Stephanie.

- Watch out for him.

He likes to touch your thigh when he's shifting.

- I'll sit in the back.

- Hi, Stephanie. What are you doing?

- Having a much better time than Michael and Joanna

could possibly have in a million years.

- Oh, sorry I interrupted.

- Oh George, wait.

It's just that this is the first Saturday night

since I was 13 that I haven't had a date.

- You don't need a date to have fun on a Saturday night.

I hardly ever go out, and I have lots of fun.

- Really? What do you do?

- Well, first I make a big bowl of popcorn,

sometimes with Mrs. Dash and sometimes with Molly McButter.

Then I plant myself in front of the TV

and eat until I'm so full I see dots.

Then I wash it down with a gallon of scotch.

- Darryl, how many times must I tell you

the chipmunk fork goes to the right?

The salad fork... [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Our guests have arrived.

Darryl, put that joy buzzer away.

There will be no novelty items tonight,

and that includes wax lips.

Sorry.

Hi, I'm Lawrence, this is my good brother, Darryl

and this is my other good brother, Darryl.

- Hey guys, nice digs.

Not half as weird as I thought it'd be.

- Thank you.

We appreciate the backhanded compliment.

Miss Joanna, your being in real estate,

you'd be qualified to help us.

Darryl's been batting around the idea

of putting our home on the market.

What do you think our little nest would fetch?

- Well, the land alone is worth at least $30,000.

- And the combination of land and house?

- Seventeen, tops.

- Before dinner, we thought we'd start with cocktails.

- Oh. Sounds great. I'll--I'll have a margarita.

- Bloody Mary.

- Listen to that, Darryl,

Miss Joanna and Michael name their cocktails.

What an interesting, albeit eccentric, custom.

- Thank you.

Are we supposed to eat these?

- I don't know. Let me try a little improv here.

To the swamp.

- To the swamp.

- To the swamp.

Well, if we're all done with our cocktails,

I'll go get the finger sandwiches.

- Larry. - Yes, Miss Joanna?

- You know what I like doing after cocktails?

Holding our hands up

to make sure all our fingers are there.

Okay Larry, bring on the finger sandwiches.

- Wonder what she'll do when we serve the rump roast.

- You know, Mr. Loudon,

this year's graduates have achieved

a higher degree of academic excellence than ever before.

It's our hope that your speech will inspire them

to even greater heights.

- Well, you know, this is my first commencement address,

so I know I won't be as polished as, say,

Lee Iacocca or Bill--Bill Buckley.

- Oh.

Well, just do your best.

That's all we ask of our students,

so that's all we can ask of you.

- Sort of a-an "A" for effort.

- We'll see.

Now if you'll just take your seat.

Did you even try to get Iacocca or Buckley?

- They wanted money.

- Well, I just hate scraping bottom like this.

- He's tough.

- Oh, he's tough, but good.

And because of him, 90 percent of our students

end up as heads of major corporations

before they're 27.

- Wow.

How--how did I get this job? Did s-somebody lose a bet?

- Sure, rub it in.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

good evening and welcome to Brookville Academy.

I am Dean Dackman, and it's a great honor for me

to introduce to you the graduating class of 1989.

- Hit me.

- Gee, for a wine you said tasted like swill,

you're sure sucking it back.

- Well, I was too quick to judge.

This wine has a personality that's not immediately evident.

- That's what my mother used to say about me.

- Oh look, here's a picture of Michael and me

on that picnic in the forest.

We had to fire our maître d'

because he placed our blanket on an incline.

- Hey, you want to make a volcano

out of baking soda and vinegar?

- Here we are at the amusement park.

They kicked us out because we stayed too long

in the House of Mirrors.

Oh, and here we are in a rowboat on Lake Winnipeg.

It...it started to pour...

Michael had to row the boat ashore.

- Hallelujah.

You know, I'm usually not one to give my opinion

unless I'm asked,

but you're not acting like the Stephanie I know.

- You mean, I'm usually not a drunken sot?

- No, you're usually not so pathetic.

- Wouldn't you feel sorry for yourself

if Michael broke up with you?

- I'd be heartbroken.

I suppose like Pagliacci, I'd hide my deep sorrow

behind the mask of the happy handyman.

But then I'd be plenty PO'ed.

I mean, the nerve of that Michael,

dumping a sweet guy like me.

- You're right.

Michael broke up with me.

I should be furious with him.

Who do you think you are, you out-of-work clotheshorse?

I don't need you and that damn rowboat.

- Oh, you ripped his head off.

- I'm just getting warmed up.

- Miss Joanna, how did you enjoy your entree?

- What was it again?

- It was a little recipe passed down from my Great Uncle Darryl

and my other Great Uncle Darryl.

Something old, something new,

something borrowed, something dead.

- Well, I'm glad to see you included something

from each of the four major food groups.

- You going to eat those quills?

- Enjoy.

- Thanks, I'll just take these home for a late night suck.

- Well, I guess it's time to begin

our intellectual discussion.

Yep, there they go again.

Any time they hear the word "intellectual,"

they throw themselves into their teeth.

Now, are there any issues or topics

you're particularly fond of?

Etymology?

Theosophy?

Physics?

- Well, as long as I don't have to turn my head and cough.

- I'll start the ball rolling by throwing out a question.

What's your opinion on the big bang theory?

- Well, uh, there's so many schools of thought.

Personally, I think they're fine if you have a high forehead.

- Excuse me.

- Do you feel as dumb as I do?

- Yeah.

- It seems I overestimated the caliber of Miss Joanna

and Michael's intelligence.

I know now that I shouldn't have looked elsewhere

for intellectual stimulation when all along,

it was right here in my own backyard.

Our problem now is what to do about our guests.

Good thinking, Darryl. You go get ready.

I guess you two are brain tired from our mental workout.

Why don't we take a break?

- A break is good.

- My brothers will now entertain you

with a musical interlude.

[playing piano notes]

- Good luck, Dillon.

You'll be a fine asset to Merrill Lynch.

And now, I would like to introduce our guest speaker,

novelist and talk show host Mr. Richard Loudon.

- Well thank you. Thank you, Dean--Dean Dackman.

A-actually, I'm not a novelist. I write how-to books.

[CROWD GROANS]

But I-I have created some memorable novel-like characters,

like Mr. Spevack,

the knowledgeable hardware store owner.

Or-or Mrs.--Mrs. Sanacoy,

the--the well-meaning but daffy plumber's assistant.

- Get on with it. You're losing them.

- Gra-graduates of Brookville Academy,

as-as you go forth into--into college...

uh, kindergarten,

you'll--you'll look back on these years--

uh, year--

with a great sense of nostalgia.

That--that means you'll, like, remember all the fun stuff.

See, I-I thought you kids would be older,

so a lot--a lot of my speech doesn't, uh--

All right, who--who shot the spitball?

Y-you may think that's funny, but a person can lose an eye.

Of course, you know, it'd have to be spit real hard.

You know, kids, there are--there are two paths

th-that you can take in life.

The one path, like the one taken by the anonymous spitballer,

can lead to a-a life of crime and possible imprisonment.

The other path, I'll--I'll call it the path of goodness,

can--can lead to a-a life--a life of happiness.

So it-it's up to you to decide w-which path you'd like to take.

Thank you, and that concludes my speech.

- Mr. Loudon, that was a wonderfully brief speech.

- Not bad for a how-to writer, huh?

- Well, you get what you pay for.

Now, since we were all so inspired by Mr. Loudon,

I think it only appropriate that he now lead us

in the singing of our school song.

- D-Dean--Dean Dackman, I don't know your school song.

- ♪ There was a farmer Had a dog ♪

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ There was a farmer Had a dog ♪

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ [clap]-I-N-G-O [clap]-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ [clap]-I-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o ♪

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.