Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Hi, Dick.

I'm all ready for tonight.

Do you think Joanna would let me borrow some of her makeup?

- George, when I invited you to the Patriots game,

it was as a buddy, not-not as a date.

- No, no. I thought if I painted my face

different colors and danced around like an idiot,

they'd put me on TV.

- Oh, that's the way Alistair Cooke got his start.

- Hi, honey. How was jury duty?

- Well, it's almost over.

We go into deliberations this afternoon.

- Joanna, can I borrow some of your makeup?

I'm going out with Dick tonight.

- What? - Just-just say yes, Joanna.

- Sure, George. - Gee, thanks.

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

- What can we do for you guys?

- Well, we spent most of last night scratchin' our heads.

- And this is-- this is unusual?

- Well, normally we do it to stimulate our follicles.

But this time it was due to a philosophical question

Darryl posed that put us in an intellectual quandary.

- Well, you've piqued our curiosity.

What was the question?

- If a tree falls in the forest

and there's no one there to hear it,

does it make a sound?

- Larry, that--that's an age-old question.

- It is?

So it didn't just pop into your head.

I apologize for my brother's plagiarism.

It was just a shoddy ploy to pass himself off

as a deep thinker.

- Well, at least he didn't tell you

he wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.

- I suppose your poem "The Toad Not Taken"

is stolen, too.

- Larry, that--that probably is actually his.

- Anyway, does a tree make a sound or not?

- Well, that's a question, Larry,

that no one can really answer.

- You mean, like why when you cut a worm in half,

the two sides live,

but you can't do the same with a hedgehog?

- Ex-ex-exactly.

- Maybe we can find the answer to our tree question.

Come on, Darryl, the woods await.

[APPLAUSE]

- Uh, people, people, this isn't a coffee klatch,

let's get started.

- My, I wonder who has tickets to the Patriots game tonight.

- It has nothing to do with football.

The Constitution guarantees a person a speedy trial.

- I guess our forefathers had Patriots tickets, too.

- Uh, the first thing we have to do is elect a foreman.

- Boy, Dick, you sure know a lot about the law.

Maybe you should be foreman.

- Oh, if nobody objects.

- Nobody cares.

- Okay then, I'm foreman.

Now let's, uh, let's see how everyone stands.

- I-I vote guilty.

- I was wavering between guilty and innocent,

but since that football game is so important to you,

I'll vote guilty, too.

- Sounds good to me.

- Sure, why not.

- I'll go along with everyone else.

[CHUCKLES]

- Wait, wait a second. You-you can't vote guilty

just because I have to go to my game.

- We can't?

- No, your decision has to be based on the evidence we heard,

and...and nothing else.

- Oh, dear. If I'd known that,

I'd have listened more closely.

- And he's the mayor.

- I took some notes. Maybe I should read them.

- Oh, good idea.

For those of you who didn't listen during the trial,

Miss Goddard will now tell you what it's about.

- Day one. The jury is assembled.

Lunch consists of a choice of sandwiches.

Everyone seems to like the tuna best,

and they disappeared quickly.

The toasted cheese was grilled to perfection,

though a mite too salty for my taste...

- Is-is there anything in there about the defendant?

- No, he didn't eat with us.

- Oh, I'll... I'll take it from here.

Okay. We, uh, we all know the defendant

was in the pet store on the day in question, right?

- If you say so, Dick. [CHUCKLES]

- And-and we also know he was caught two blocks away

with an alleged stolen cockatoo on his shoulder.

- That's a funny word, "cockatoo."

- Like "cock-a-doodle-do."

- The one that always gets me is "cockamamie."

- Does anyone else have a funny word or can we go on?

- What's the point?

You've convinced us to vote guilty.

- Look, our decision could-- could send a man to-to jail.

His life could be ruined, and we can't...

we can't take that responsibility lightly.

- You're right, Dick.

This is too important to leave up to whims.

I've changed my vote to innocent.

- Sounds good to me.

- Sure, why not.

- Like I said, I'll go along. [CHUCKLES]

- You can't vote innocent! The man is clearly guilty!

- Dick, please stop these sadistic mind games!

- Chop-chop, Chiquita.

Hi-ho, JoJo.

- Hi, Michael. Where are you two going?

- To the mall.

One day a month, we donate our time to community service.

- You and Stephanie?

- Uh-hm.

We approach shoppers who have no sense of style

and help them by handing out fashion citations.

- That's terrible!

- That's why we only do it once a month.

It's so draining.

- It's not like we don't give them a warning first.

It's the repeat offenders we're after.

- If someone is tempted to buy something

that would look atrocious on them,

it's our job to teach them to just say no.

- And to think all I do is read to the blind.

- Well, that's important, too.

Oh, Michael, maybe someday there won't be any need

for fashion police.

- My little dreamer.

As long as poor, misguided souls

continue to wear "I'm with Stupid" tee shirts...

We're on call.

Let's roll.

[APPLAUSE]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my injured brother Darryl.

- What happened?

- Well, we were in the forest

trying to answer that age-old question...

- Oh, no!

You're not going to show me half a hedgehog.

- I mean the tree question.

We chopped one down

and then tried to run out of the forest

before it hit the ground.

But Darryl's not as fleet of foot

since he pulled his Achilles in a low-impact aerobics class.

- The tree fell on him?

- Yep. But it wasn't a total loss...

we did learn that if a tree falls on Darryl,

he doesn't make a sound.

Darryl, you already missed your opportunity to say hi.

Come on, our quest continues.

- So...would you like some cocoa?

I'll take that as a yes.

- How can you all think he-he was innocent?

He was caught red-handed?

- Well... maybe the bird got on his shoulder

without his knowing.

- It was established in the trial

that the bird's wings were clipped.

- Oh dear, I must have been wool gathering

when they said that.

- Perhaps it climbed on the man's shoulder.

They didn't clip its feet, did they?

- I've seen cockatoos climb ladders on TV.

Once I even saw one of them

drive one of those little fire engines.

- Did you see that on TV, too?

- No, he saw it on a highway.

- Well, you have to admit, Dick,

that the evidence is really stacking up

in the defendant's favor.

- What evidence?

The bird u-used a fire ladder to climb on the guy's shoulder?

- No one said a fire ladder.

I believe we said a regular ladder.

- We know you want to get to your football game, Dick,

but there's no need to twist our words.

- How--how can a man walk two blocks

with a huge bird on his shoulder and not notice it?

I mean, someone has got to say,

"Hey, mister, you got a huge bird on your shoulder."

- Well, once I had a big piece of clove

stuck on my tooth for two days, and nobody noticed that.

- Well, I noticed. It was a scream.

- Jim, you should have said something.

- I did. I told everyone.

- Maybe we should re-enact the crime.

That's what they do on TV.

- Great!

The first thing we need is a cockatoo.

- There's--there's no cockatoo in here.

I already checked.

- Annette, maybe you could make one.

She took an origami class at the Y.

- I can only do elephants.

- Well, a bird is just a skinny elephant with wings.

- Okay. I'll try.

- So stupid!

- Look at her work.

It's as though her fingers are divinely guided.

- There.

- It's a paper plane!

- Jim, why don't you put the bird on my shoulder,

and I'll see if I notice it.

- Okay.

- Well?

- I can't feel a thing.

Obviously, a bird can sit on someone's shoulder

without the person noticing.

- That--that "bird" weighs less than an ounce.

A real cockatoo weighs over 2 pounds!

- So what?

- Here.

- Ow!

- You crushed Annette's bird.

- That's how much a real cockatoo weighs.

You-you noticed that, didn't you?

- Yes, now please take it off. I'm losing feeling in my arm.

- And we were right after all. The man is guilty.

- We should have listened to our hearts and not to Dick.

- Fine. Let's take another vote so we can get out of here.

Guilty. - Guilty.

- Guilty.

- Innocent.

- I don't understand. We all agreed; he's guilty.

- Well, like you said, Dick,

our decision could send a man to jail.

We can't take that responsibility too lightly.

- Well, I can.

Put him in jail and let's get out of here.

- I just don't think that we should rush into things.

Maybe we should order something to eat.

- Good idea! I'll ask the bailiff for menus.

How does everybody feel about Chinese?

[EVERYBODY GROANS] - Italian?

- No! No food until he votes guilty.

- Take it easy, Dick.

This trial is about a bird, not evolution.

- Boy, it sure is getting hot around here.

- Could someone turn down the thermostat?

- No. As mayor,

I had all the thermostats put on automatic timers.

- Why?

- Don't rile him. He'll crush your other shoulder.

- I'll open the window. Stay calm, Dick.

It's stuck!

Oh dear! That's the last time we hire George Utley to paint.

He just slops the stuff on like there's no tomorrow.

- Why don't we just throw a chair through the window?

- Why don't we just throw Dave through the window?

- Oh. How did it go at the mall? Bust any bellbottoms?

- Actually people did react a little less violently

this month, although a badly dressed florist

did try to push us down the escalator.

- But, all in all, it was a good day.

Six warnings, and three citations.

- You must feel so fulfilled.

- Well, charity does begin at the mall.

- Joanna, we finally got the answer to that tree question.

- What tree question?

- If a tree falls in the forest and no one's there,

does it make a sound?

- I've got the answer... who cares?

- We put one of Darryl's video cameras in front of the tree.

- You have a video camera?

- He's quite the videophile.

Every time a new camera comes out,

he's got to have one.

He's the same way with pudding pops.

Anyway, we put two hungry beavers in front of the tree

then turned on the camera.

Then we left and came back an hour later.

The answer is right here on this tape.

Prepare to be enlightened.

- You know, Darryl, I'm kind of a video buff myself.

We should get together some time and talk tape technique.

- Pipe down, you two.

Look, Darryl, our beaver's on the tube.

[CLAPPING]

That's Dean on the right and Jerry on the left.

- How can you tell them apart?

- Jerry is the one with slick-backed fur.

- Oooh, I have a coat like Jerry.

- Oh, look, they're starting to gnaw off the tree.

- Wow, those choppers can really chop.

- Why are they stopping?

- And why is Dean giving Jerry that funny look?

- Whoa, that's why!

And on top of pinecones!

- I think our Jerry's been masquerading as a boy.

Same plot line as Yentl.

- If only Dick would get this passionate.

- Joanna, I'm going to drive over to the courthouse

and wait for Dick outside.

- That's nice, George.

- Oh, I didn't know we had cable.

- I bet Hell feels like this.

- Especially if Chester set the thermostat.

[HORN BLOWS]

- Hey, it's George.

You fool. You painted the windows shut.

- Chester, get a grip.

- You're not going to hit me, are you, Dick?

- You'll see.

Look, you know the defendant is guilty, don't you?

- Yes.

- Then why are you doing this to me?

- I like it here.

- What?

- I like it here.

The people, the atmosphere, the warmth.

[CHUCKLES]

- Are you out of your mind?

- Dick, I stuff envelopes for a living.

I hardly ever get to go out except to buy stamps.

This is the most fun I've had in years.

I never want it to end.

- Never?

- Never, Dick.

- Excuse me.

Everyone... Dave just informed me

why he's not going to vote guilty.

He doesn't want all this fun to end.

Ever. He likes us.

- Well, then you tell Dave that we like him, too?

- Not yet. I wanted to get your okay.

[HORN BLOWS]

Wh-what if we tell Dave that if he votes guilty

when this is over, we'll...

we'll all get together?

- That's a good idea, Dick.

And here we were voting to impeach you as foreman.

- We hear you like us, Dave.

- Gosh, Dick, did you have to tell everyone?

- Look, we decided if you vote guilty,

we'll all--we'll all get together sometime.

- I don't believe you.

They said the same thing after traffic school.

"We'll all get together sometime"...nobody ever called.

[HORN BLOWS]

- We're-we're definitely...

- Well... - Wait!

How-how about Saturday? - That's no good for me.

I promised my sister I'd help her weed.

- Well, cancel it!

- You don't know my sister. Nobody cancels on Heidi.

- How about the following Saturday?

- No good for me.

I've got a date with Heidi that Saturday.

- How about that Sunday?

- Depends if I get lucky with Heidi Saturday night.

- How about one evening during the week?

- Well, Tuesday and Thursday are out for Chester and me.

We're taking a massage class.

- And I have pastry club on Mondays and Fridays.

[HORN BLOWS]

- Look, we-we're getting together, and that's it.

Uh, how about Wednesday?

- Sounds good to me. - Wednesday is good for me.

- Fine! Wednesday it is.

- Right, we'll meet every Wednesday evening from now on.

- Every Wednesday? I mean, isn't that asking a little...

Okay. Guilty or innocent?

- Let the birdman fry.

- Yay, let's go tell our verdict to the judge.

- Oh, uh, people, I almost forgot.

I always have dinner with my mother on Wednesday.

- Bring her!

[APPLAUSE]

Good night, George.

- I'm real sorry we missed the game, Dick.

Who knew my face would react to the makeup that way?

- Yeah, who knew. Now go to bed, George.

- The doctor in emergency told me it's not unusual

for a man my age to be allergic to certain eye shadow.

- Good. Good night, George.

- He gave me a list of hypoallergenic makeup

that I can use when I... - Just go to bed.

- All right. Sweet dreams, Dick.

- Whoa!

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!