Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Well, Dick, Joanna, it looks like the three of us

will be showering together tomorrow.

- Why--why is that, George?

- I still can't fix that water heater.

There's only enough hot water left for a quick soap and rinse.

- How--how much is a new hot water heater?

- About $1,200.

- Wow!

Will, uh, will you wash my back?

- Maybe I should keep tinkering.

- Well, isn't that new handyman coming today?

Maybe he could help you.

- He's not a handyman. He's a stonemason.

He repairs fireplaces. I repair water heaters.

- No--no you don't, George.

- Low blow, Dick.

- Honey, since we're doing repairs anyway,

wouldn't this be a good time to print a new brochure?

- What's wrong with the old brochure?

- It's so dated! Read this.

- Coming soon... color television.

Well, I guess we can spruce it up a little.

- Great! I'll re-write the brochure

and take some pictures for the cover.

- Jo-Joanna, you're not a photographer.

- I think I have a very artistic eye.

- Well, then open it

the next time you try to take a picture.

- Hi-ho. What's the haps, chaps?

- I'm going to update the inn's brochure.

- Oh, did that color TV finally come in?

- Hey, everybody.

This is Stoney, the stonemason.

- Yo!

- Yo to you.

- Hi. - How you doin'?

- Michael, is he a laborer?

- He said "Yo," didn't he?

- Welcome to the Stratford.

- Thanks.

Hey, nice pipe wrench.

- Yeah. It was my dad's.

- He had good taste.

- Hey, you're all right, Stoney.

Do you know anything about hot water heaters?

- Sure! My pop was a hot water heater man.

- The fireplace can wait. Come on!

- I-I wonder if Hallmark makes a card for a moment like that.

- Hey!

- Don't even try it!

I know your type.

You wear a hardhat

and say things to make me walk fast.

- Broom.

- Is that some macho wisecrack you use

while you and your buddies are drinking beer?

- No, I just need a broom.

- Oh.

- So, go get me one.

- Just who do you think you're talking to?

- The maid.

- Do I look like a maid?

- Well...

yeah.

- Oh, stop begging. I'll get it.

- Okay. Now I want to get some indoor shots.

[CAMERA FLASHES]

- Joanna, no more pictures.

You've got pictures of me waving to the postman,

pointing to the inn,

and making stupid angels in the snow.

- Dick, you looked adorable.

- A grown man lying on his back flapping his arms in the snow.

It's not adorable. You better burn that picture.

- I just want to finish up the roll.

- How many more do you have? - 30.

- I'm going upstairs. - Oh, great!

I can get an action shot of you turning down the beds.

[SIGHS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

- I know what you're staring at.

- You do?

- Don't worry.

I'll clean this mess up before I go.

- Well, you better.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome...

and don't ask me for anything else.

[GRUNTS]

- Good morning, honey.

I finally decided on the perfect picture for the brochure...

the one where you're posing with some of our guests.

- I-I don't remember that one.

- Well, it will only take two seconds.

The jolly innkeeper posing with his happy-go-lucky lodgers.

[DICK CLEARS HIS THROAT]

- Uh, excuse me,

my--my wife was wondering if--if you'd do us a favor.

- We're eating.

- Well, my--my wife can see that,

but she'd like to take a picture of the three of us

for the new Stratford brochure.

- Who are you?

- I'm Dick Loudon, the jolly innkeeper.

- Oh, say yes, Art.

Maybe he'll leave us alone.

- Okay. Here we go.

- You didn't say you were going to touch us.

- Oh, this is lovely. [GIGGLES]

- Take the picture, honey.

Take...the...picture, honey!

- Take the damn picture, honey!

- I'm waiting for the little green light.

- Art, he's looking down my blouse.

- Oh, that's a good one!

- It's also the last one.

- Oh, it's you.

- Yo!

- [SIGHS] I guess Dick and Joanna failed to mention

that we require proper attire in the dining room.

So if you intend to eat in here,

I suggest you either pull your shirt down

or pull your pants up.

- I'm just having coffee, thanks.

- [SIGHS]

- Milk.

- [SIGHS]

- Thanks.

- I suppose you want me to stir it for you, too.

- If you want.

- [SIGHS]

You'd think a man with shoulders like that...

could stir his own coffee.

- Greetings!

- Michael!

- How's my little sugarplum?

- [SIGHS]

- Oooh, someone should send him a message in dress code.

So, ready? The meter's ticking on the sleigh.

- Sleigh?

- Cuppers, yesterday was the first snowfall.

Our annual sleigh ride down Main Street

to show off our new winter woolens.

- Oh, of course!

Michael, you know how I live for this day, but...

Dick said I have to work.

- Well, this really ruffles my muffler.

Has this man no respect for tradition?

How about this afternoon?

- Well, I guess. - Of course!

We throw them a curve and show up fashionably late.

After seven hours in foot-freezing weather,

those pedestrians will pop their parkas.

[CHUCKLES]

'Til then, my dreamsicle.

- [GROANS]

- Pump too much iron?

- I must have pulled my delt.

- Your what?

- My delt.

My shoulder.

- Oh.

Is it painful?

- Ah, I can live with it.

- Good.

I certainly hope you don't expect me to rub it or anything.

- Suit yourself.

- Is this the delt you're talking about?

- Um, higher.

- Here?

- Little higher.

- Here?

- Oh, yeah.

[SIGHS]

[SATISFIED SIGH]

- What, what's this?

- It's what I've written for the brochure.

- "As you wake and gaze through the leaded glass window

"of your elegantly appointed bedchamber,

"your eyes will fairly dance as they feast upon

"the verdant panorama of the majestic rolling hills."

Uh, ex-exactly where are-are-are the hills?

- Well, you know, that one out back.

- That's not a hill. It's more like a-a-a bump.

- So I should cut out the word "majestic?"

- That-that should do it.

Oh, and, uh, maple syrup

doesn't--doesn't "plummet" out of the tree.

It--it kind of, uh...

- Cascades?

- I was--I was thinking "drips."

Of course, that's just one man's verdant opinion.

- Right! Well, if what I've done

doesn't meet your high standards, fine.

Write the whole damn thing yourself!

- Uh...

Ste-Stephanie...

- Yo.

- What--what--what are you doing?

- Dick, I'm pushing a wheelbarrow.

- Is-isn't that one of the first signs

that the world is coming to an end?

- You're a good little worker.

Oh, I got a kink. [GRUNTS]

- Uh, if you'd like, I could rub your shoulder again for you.

[SIGHS]

- I'll--I'll just, uh...

I'll--I'll be in... if--if anyone...

- [GROANS]

- Uh, Cuppers?

- Hi, Michael.

- Did my designer lenses deceive me

or were your dainty digits

actually burrowing that beefcake's biceps?

- What are you talking about?

- Steph, I could see with my own peep...

Good God!

Is that...soot?

- Uh-huh. - What's come over you, girl?

- I don't really know.

You see, Stoney and I...

- Stoney and I?

You're referring to yourself and another man

in the same sentence?

- I was just doing an honest day's work.

Stoney does it every day.

- [MIMICKING] "Stoney does it every day."

Steph, don't you see what's happening to you?

You're being swept away by that wolf in cheap clothing.

- Michael, you're acting like a child!

- I am not!

You like Stoney and you don't like me!

[SOBS]

- Michael, where are you going?

- What difference does it make? You've got your stone man.

Oh sure, he may be built like a Greek god

and have the strength of ten,

but I have something he'll never have...

a festively-colored sleigh!

Ya.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[SLEIGH BELLS RING]

- Did--did I hear a whinny?

- Dick, I need to talk to you.

I'm a confused yet petite bundle of hormones.

- Well, see--see, that would be more Joanna's department.

- Please! Help me.

- Stephanie, I'm-I'm really...

I'm not--I'm not very good with...

with hormones.

- Dick, I don't know what's happening to me.

Have you ever been uncontrollably attracted

to someone whose powerful biceps are slick with sweat?

- No.

- Dick, I want Stoney...bad!

- Stephanie, I'm-I'm not sure I'm the right person--

- And then again, I still love Michael.

Oh, Dick, make this feeling go away.

- Which--which one?

- I'm not sure.

- I-I-I don't know where to begin.

- Daddy always used shopping as a metaphor.

- Oh, all right, all right. Let's see.

Let's say you're out shopping for-for-for clothes.

- Can we make it sweaters? I love sweaters.

- Fine, fine. You're out...

you're out shopping, shopping for sweaters.

- Good.

- And--and you walk...you walk into this store, and,

and you see this nice blue sweater.

- I prefer red. - It's red.

And-and you'll look great in it.

- You think?

- Yes.

Uh, but--but when you examine it closely,

there--there's something that's not--not quite you about it.

- It's orlon.

- What? Whatever.

Well, see, Stoney is like that orlon sweater, and,

and somehow I just... I just can't picture you

going out with an orlon kind of guy.

- Go on.

- Go--go on?

Um, on the other hand, Mich-Michael is, is more, uh...

- Cashmere? - Okay.

- Cashmere lasts, and I wear it so well.

- Great.

So the--the--the point is,

you're--you're going to have to make up your mind.

You know, is it--is it orlon or is it cashmere?

- Daddy would let me have both. - Well, this...

This is my story.

- Okay.

I'll take the cashmere, but then again...

- You-you can't change your mind.

All sales are final.

- I don't like your store. The salespeople are so pushy!

- Stephanie, is--is any of this sinking in?

- I think so.

You're saying that Stoney is sort of a machine knit

whereas Michael is more of a handwoven.

- That's--that's where I was going with it.

- [SIGHS] I'm so glad we're talking in sweaters.

It actually makes learning fun.

Thanks, Dick.

Well, I guess I better go break this to Stoney.

He probably doesn't have any sweaters.

How do I say this using tank tops?

- Well, just...tell him how you feel with--

without clothes.

- Dick, that would only lead him on.

- Nice work, Stoney.

- Okay, it's like this.

I'm a natural fiber person,

and I could never even try on a synthetic,

let alone have one in my closet.

I hope this doesn't destroy you,

but we must end this madness now.

- I don't understand, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

- Not you, George...Stoney.

- Oh...oh.

- Well, another job done. I'm outta here.

What do you say we go somewhere for a drink and talk?

- I don't think so.

A clean break is best.

- Uh, not you...George.

- Sure!

- Well, you're a good little worker.

I mean that, Stacey.

- How did he, uh... how did he take it?

- He was destroyed.

- And stay out!

- I'll--I'll just, uh...if--if anyone...

- Michael, you're soiled!

- Never whip a nag before you climb into the carriage.

You should have seen the looks I got

dashing through the snow after a one-horse open sleigh.

- I don't know what came over me.

It's all my fault.

I was driven by a surge of unbridled lust,

but I know with you by my side, I'll never feel that way again!

- That's my girl.

- Do you think you could forgive me?

- What's to forgive?

I never thought for a moment

that sturdy stallion was any match for this polo pony.

- Oh, Michael!

- There have been times

my loins still have been tempted by animal passion.

- When?

- Whoa! Look at the time!

If we're going to make that sleigh ride,

we better meet back here in an hour,

cleansed, coiffed, and covered in cashmere.

- He said cashmere!

[JOANNA LAUGHS]

- Look at this.

- What-what are you laughing at?

- Pictures of you, Dick.

- George just picked them up at the one-hour photo.

- Oh. Let me--let me see.

- Okay.

- These are good.

What's this picture of Stoney doing in here?

- Oh, that's mine.

- What?

Joanna, let-- let me explain

the difference between cashmere and orlon.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.