Original subtitles

Good morning, George.

Oh. Hi.

George, are you okay?

Yeah.

Except I've just made one

of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Dick, Joanna,

I'm giving up on the Red Sox.

Oh, I-- I thought you were gonna go back to wearing

those regular jeans.

The Red Sox haven't won the World Series since 1918.

They lost the World Series in 1946 to St. Louis,

in 1967 to St. Louis,

in 1975 to Cincinnati,

and in 1986... [ Sobbing ]

...to the Mets.

I'm sorry.

It's still hard for me to talk about that one.

It was the, uh-- 6th game of the World Series and the--

the Red Sox were ahead by two runs

with two out in the bottom of the 9th,

and nobody on and then the--

then the Mets scored three runs on three hits,

two errors and a wild pitch and went on to--

to win the Series.

Thanks for making me relive it, Dick.

[ Clears throat ] Sorry, George.

Well, they're not going to do it to me again.

When spring training starts in a week,

I'm no longer going to be a Red Sox fan.

Well, you can say that, George, but I don't-- I don't think it's--

you're gonna be able to do it that easily.

Oh, no?

I'm going up to my room right now

to take the cap off my bedpost.

Wow, he is serious.

Hi, D, J, spin any good platters recently?

[ Giggles ]

I'm going back to bed.

Stay right where you are, kemo sabe,

and kemo sabette.

I've got news about the news.

[ Beeps like a news ticker ] [ Chuckles ]

The WPIV news producer is leaving,

and guess who Bev has asked to fill in?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Dick. It's me.

Michael, you're going to produce the news?

Does that surprise you?

Well, I was hoping they'd-- they'd find someone who'd--

who'd actually watched the news once.

Michael!

Steph! Oh! I've got news.

[ Beeps like a news ticker ]

Well, if I hadn't done it, he would've.

You're looking at the new producer

of the WPIV news.

Oh, Michael, you've been demoted.

No, it's like an honor.

Michael, an honor is supposed to involve something shiny.

Besides, what do you know about the news?

You don't know anything, do you?

Well, no.

Oh, good. Let's keep it that way.

I don't want you cluttering your mind

with anything other than me.

Aw, Steph.

What if I produce the news but don't pay any attention?

That's my Michael!

Well, I'd better get going.

The WPIV action news needs me.

Michael, it-- it's called the news.

It doesn't have one of those silly catch names.

It does now.

[ Giggles ]

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, everybody.

May I have your attention?

I'm your new producer, Michael Harris.

[ Teletype machines printing ]

So what's news? [ Chuckles ]

I'm Jim Vernon, news editor.

This is Bruce Paisner, our news writer.

Tape editor's Mike Wilcox. Pete Dexter,

and I'm sure you know the on-air people

from watching the program.

Why don't you just introduce them for fun?

Ted Singer, Leslee Cooper, and Jerry Zaks.

Nice-- nice to meet you all.

Except him in the back, I'm not too sure about.

[ Giggles ]

[ Clears throat ]

Look, uh, I know when somebody new comes in,

people are always concerned there are gonna be

a lot of changes.

Well, I don't want you to worry about that.

There are gonna be a lot of changes,

I just don't want you to worry about them.

[ Giggles ]

Now-- now, the first change

is you're not going to be doing the news, sports,

and weather anymore.

You're going to be doing action news, super-sports,

and accu-weather!

Let's put some pizzazz into this thing.

[ Chuckles ]

And we need a catchy slogan. I'm thinking,

"We're the news, whenever you want it,

between 6 and 6:30."

And as far as theme music goes,

I think we need something up tempo,

you know, something you can dance to.

People oughta be able to find out about the world

and shake their booty at the same time.

Is Bev is town now?

Now, oh, on-air people,

I really want you to play up the banter.

A good balance is 70 percent banter,

30 percent news.

If you're too topical,

this thing's not gonna have any syndication life.

[ Giggles ]

And why don't you act like you're having

an affair with her?

And you! You pretend you're real jealous.

Okay? [ Giggles ]

This way, we'll be sure to hook all the soap fans.

Hey, we just got an update on that dock workers' strike.

Oh, let me see that.

The strike angle's okay,

but dock workers aren't very upscale.

What if we made them, uh, male exotic dancers, huh?

I'm sure the ladies would much rather picture

a chorus line of hunks

than a picket line of beer bellies.

Uh, you're kidding, right? You can't change the news.

Dismount that high horse.

Mr. Harris, let's run the story as is.

Okay, if you wanna be limited by reality.

Uh, here's the rest of the copy for tonight's show.

Good, now,

which one of you is the anchorman?

I am.

You're better-looking. You be the anchorman.

Now, one last thing, when we open the show,

I want you all to run out onto the set

and take your places, okay?

Except for you. You sashay.

Look, uh, we gotta go on the air now.

Well, that's what we're here for, isn't it?

Well, I haven't quite figured out what some of us

are here for yet, so...

Okay, break a leg, everybody! Except for you, gal o' gams.

[ Chuckles ]

[ News intro music ]

They call this danceable?

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Channel 8 News.

Hey, they didn't run in.

TED: Good evening, I'm Ted Singer.

Oh, no, they went with the ugly guy.

In the news tonight, the Contra Aid Bill was--

They're not gonna do what you wanted.

No self-respecting news team would.

Oh, is that the kind I got stuck with?

TED: The senate approved...

Why don't you watch what we do,

and then we can talk a little about what changes

we might wanna make?

TED: And locally, we'll look at preparations

for the upcoming Spring Festival, and in sports,

Jerry Zaks reports

that George Utley has given up on the Red Sox.

Now let's turn to the international scene.

In London today,

a 14-year-old boy turned in his parents as Russian spies.

Scotland Yard reports that the couple is being detained

for questioning after classified documents

were discovered in their Kensington flat.

Oh, Dick, can you help me?

Spring training starts Wednesday,

and I still have trouble

picking out a new team to root for.

Well, it shouldn't be hard, George.

Um, how about the-- the Twins?

They won the World Series last year.

Yeah, I thought of them, Dick,

but I don't want it to look

like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

How about the Montreal Expos?

Well, I can't figure out their hat, Dick.

See there?

Is that supposed to be an M,

or are they trying to spell out Expos?

I-- I don't know.

Uh, how about the, uh-- the Toronto Blue Jays?

Dick, are you kidding?

[ Laughs ]

I can't root for a team named after blue jays.

They always take all the other birds' food.

Well, I'm gonna go give it some more thought on my own.

You haven't been much help.

Hi, Dick.

Oh, hi, Michael.

I haven't seen you for a couple days.

Not-- not that I'm complaining.

Well, I have been pretty busy lately.

And what with the primaries heating up,

and all the concern about the deficit.

Not to mention everything that's going on

in the Middle East.

What do you think about this Gulf of Sidra thing?

Michael?

Michael, am-- am I hallucinating,

or were you just talking about current events?

Dick, it's incredible.

It-- it's like a whole new world is opening up to me.

I'm learning so much working in that news room.

I mean,

did you know there have been two world wars?

Of course.

Gee, Dick, you could tell a guy.

I mean, my life used to be just me and Stephanie,

and when I was forced to, you.

But now, dealing with the news,

I know about people all over the place, and Dick,

I even care about some of them.

-Michael. -Steph.

Aren't you a little tall for someone

who hasn't seen me in two days?

That's better.

Steph, I apologize for not seeing you much lately,

but so much has happened in the last few days.

Producing the news has opened my eyes

to so many things.

Tell her. Tell her, Dick.

He knows about the world wars.

Huh?

Yeah, World War One and the sequel.

And that's not all.

I-- I've learned about other countries

an--and about our system of government and--

Did you know Camp David isn't a place for the kiddies?

Michael, what have you done to yourself?

You promised you wouldn't pay attention.

I know. Can you ever forgive me? Please? Please?

Well, I guess I can try.

What's that on your hands?

[ Gasps ]

That isn't... newsprint?

Well, Steph, it's better than lipstick on my collar.

Michael, another woman I could crush and humiliate,

but I don't know how to deal with this.

Steph, listen to me,

just because there are world events in my thinker

doesn't mean that you're not still number one in my thumper.

Oh, Michael,

when you talk like that,

it just does something to me inside.

Yeah, me too.

Wash your hands twice, and I'll let you take me out.

I-- I can't. I-- I've--

I've gotta go produce the news.

Again?

Well, that's one thing about the news.

From what I can see, it happens daily.

-But, Michael-- -I gotta go,

my cute correspondent.

-Oh, no. -[ Door closing ]

Someone has taken my Michael and replaced him

with his evil, informed twin.

Is this guy great or what?

Dick.

Michael, that was without a doubt

the best Vermont Today we've ever done.

I-- I don't think the-- the toxic waste issue

has-- has been examined

in more depth than we did today.

And it's-- it's all because of-- because of Michael here.

This is a pretty big change for you, Michael.

Well, JoJo, you know,

it's good to know you're doing something really important.

And-- and now, you know,

when I'm working on some of the other shows,

I produce like Bowling for Eggs

or Let's Make People Turn Red ,

somehow they seem... almost silly.

But I'm trying to make some changes in them too.

Yeah. I saw the Pearl's Kitchen where she mixed

the chocolate pudding with the vanilla pudding

and then said, "If only the world could be like this."

-You know, it's a step. -JOANNA: Huh.

Steph, aren't you even gonna say hi?

Hi.

I know things haven't been the same between us lately,

Steph of my heart,

but I did bring you a present and...

I hope you can find it within yourself

to-- to accept it.

Well, okay.

At least you haven't lost all of your good qualities.

[ Chuckles ]

Is this what I think it is?

Remember when I promised you the world?

Well, here it is!

And-- and see?

Here's Latin America, where a lot of my language comes from.

And here's Nicaragua,

where the Sandinistas are battling the Contras.

And-- and-- and over here, here's-- here's the Middle East,

where they-- they always seem to be fighting over something.

Michael, stop it!

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Quick, show me the Riviera.

There.

Well, I-- I better go see what happened here today.

All right, I think we should lead with the hostage story and then--

then into the Persian Gulf story.

What do you think, Jim?

I agree.

Ted?

Why don't you tune in in a few minutes

and see what I think?

[ Laughing ]

Michael, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just--

I'm kinda tired, I think.

If it'd perk you up at all,

we could run onto the set tonight?

That's okay.

News is starting to get to you a little bit, isn't it?

Well, I-- I never used to know about any of this stuff.

It's a lot to get hit with all at once.

I know I'm a better person for knowing it,

but part of me still wishes I didn't.

I guess somehow,

the world seems like a nicer place

when you don't know what's going on in it.

You know, Michael,

I never thought I'd say this

after that first day of yours here,

but, uh, you're doin' a good job.

Thanks.

That means a lot coming from you.

Doesn't it?

[ Turns TV on ]

TED: Good evening. These are the stories

making the headlines at this hour.

A gunman is holding people hostage

at a bank in Illinois.

Fighting has broken out again in the Persian Gulf.

And locally, a fire in Burlington leaves two people homeless.

Details on these and other stories--

-[ Turns TV dial ] -ROCKY: But, Bullwinkle--

BULLWINKLE: Colonel Moose to you, corporal.

ROCKY: Oh, boy.

BULLWINKLE: What direction are we headin'?

ROCKY: South.

BULLWINKLE: You mean sooth?

ROCKY: Yeah, sooth. So what?

[ Chuckles ]

BULLWINKLE: This here plan says we march noth.

Noth it is.

-NARRATOR: And with-- - [ Turns TV dial ]

TED: People who know the gunman said he kept to himself

and seemed to be a nice guy.

Those are all the details we have at this hour.

Stay tuned to Channel 8 for updates--

-[ Turns TV dial ] -BULLWINKLE: Noth it is!

NARRATOR: And with flags flying,

Bullwinkle began running toward his own goal line.

[ Chuckles ]

Disaster was imminent, but as fate would have it,

the clock suddenly marked the end of the quarter.

What's the trouble?

BORIS: Now the teams change...

You know, I don't remember Bullwinkle

being in the news today.

Oh. S--s--some kid just ran in here and changed the station.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is the one where Bullwinkle plays football

for Wossamotta U.

[ Chuckles ]

You watch this?

[ Imitating Bullwinkle ] I've been known to.

On occasion.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't you think it's kind of silly?

Yeah, thank God.

I need silly after dealing with the news all day.

Sometimes a little insanity

is just the thing to keep you sane.

ROCKY: Do ya know that?

MAN: All I know is this fellow behind me

has a gun aimed right at my 50-yard-line.

ROCKY: Bullwinkle, that feller's intimidating a referee.

BULLWINKLE: Not very well. He doesn't look like one at all.

-ROCKY: No-- -[ Turns TV Dial ]

So how'm I doing tonight?

-Great. - Good.

BULLWINKLE: Ladies or no ladies, this is war!

George, I-- I thought you had given up on the Red Sox.

I did, Dick. For a week there, they were out of my life.

Then they played their first spring training game on TV,

and you should've seen it, Dick.

They were like a whole new team!

I mean, they only lost by two runs!

This could be their year!

George, you've been saying that for 50 years.

Well, that's just the point, Dick.

I mean, I've been rooting for this team all my life.

What if I gave up on 'em this year,

and then they won it all?

Then, how would I feel?

Pretty bad?

Boy, Dick, to you, I'm an open book.

I'm gonna go put this back on the bedpost.

You wanna come watch?

No, George, I-- I think this moment

should be between a man and his cap.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Uh, just a minute, hold on please.

Stephanie, telephone!

It's somebody named Chuck.

Hi, Chuck.

You own a convertible, and you don't read the paper.

Well... [ Sighs ]

...you're certainly a possibility. I'll let you know. Bye.

Stephanie, what are you doing?

Just putting out feelers.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with

Mr. Eight Continents.

St-- uh, Stephanie, it's seven continents.

[ Sighs ]

You, uh-- You were probably counting Atlantis.

Stephanie, have you even tried to relate to Michael

on his new level?

Well, I started to watch the news last night,

but I couldn't get through it.

Why do people that things happen

to look so bad?

I think you can make a little more effort than that.

All right.

[ Sighs ]

Tell me one news item I can use to talk to Michael.

One that's easy to remember and won't make me go, "Ew".

And try to tell it to me fast, or I'll get bored.

The-- the plight of the homeless.

Oh, I just hope he appreciates all I'm going through for him.

Well, if he doesn't, he is one insensitive jerk.

Hi, all.

Oh.

Michael. Hi.

How about that plight of the homeless, huh?

Yeah.

Well, that's the last time I cram for a date.

Mich-- Michael, didn't you hear what Stephanie said?

Uh-huh. But-- but I-- I don't care about

that news stuff anymore.

Oh, Michael, you're not just saying that?

What happened?

Well, I was watching Bullwinkle

during the news, and I had a revelation.

That-- that happens a lot during Bullwinkle .

I found out that entertainment

is just as important as the news!

I mean, after people hear about

all the terrible things they do to each other,

they need something to make them feel good again.

They-- they need to laugh.

That's where I come in, Dick. I can do that.

Well, Michael, that's all fine, but it--

it doesn't mean you can't keep doing the news.

I think it does, Dick.

I--if I'm watching the news too closely, I--

I might get too sad to entertain.

I know that one story of Dick's brought me down.

I think I'm just better off watching things

like The Munsters , you know?

When Herman Munster loses his job,

you're a little worried,

but you know he's gonna get it back

by the end of the episode.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, I just wish the news were more like that.

You know, more happy endings.

Michael, say this doesn't mean that...

I won't be interviewing the governor this weekend.

I, uh--

I think we're better off with Herbie the Fire-eater, Dick.

I mean, after the heavy show we did last week,

he'll be a breath of fresh and hot air.

[ Giggling ]

I-- I hope you're not too disappointed, Dick.

To be honest, it was nice having you proud of me.

I-- I think I'm gonna miss that.

Michael, bring the governor back

and-- and I'll be strutting like a peacock.

Sorry, Dick. Not worth it.

So, Steph, I'm free to be you and me.

Oh, Michael.

Just promise me one thing,

that you'll never get involved with human suffering again.

You got it, Steph.

-[ Sighs ] -[ Laughs ]

Dick,

let me know

how that hostage thing turns out, okay?

[ Door closing ]

Well, Michael's back to the way he was,

George is still a Red Sox fan, so all's right with the world.

Meow.