Original subtitles

George?

You're in Room 4, to the left.

Well!

[ Clears throat ]

Honey, I have incredible news.

Dick, guess what that is.

Off the top of my head, I'm guessing a woman.

Honey, I just got off the phone with--

Dick, that's our 4998th guest to check in.

Honey, don't you think we're pushing

-the occupancy limit a little? -[ Chuckles ]

Two more check-ins, and it'll be our 5000th guest

since we bought the Stratford.

-Really? -Yeah.

5000?

Let's see, there was the Johnsons, the Lusterkaufs...

Yep, 5000.

Well, this is a big occasion. We should have a celebration.

That'd be neat!

We could have a big cake.

Yeah, and confetti.

Maybe a little gift.

And confetti!

And a plaque.

-And confet-- -All right, George!

Come on, Dick.

How many times do I get to say "Confetti!" in this place?

I mean, this is really exciting.

[ Laughs ]

So, Dick, tell us your news.

Oh, I just got off the phone with my publisher,

and guess who's coming here to illustrate my new book?

Who?

Corinne Denby.

Oh. That's nice.

Well, you know, it would've been exciting

if I-- I didn't have to follow that 5000th guest thing.

Don't worry, Dick.

I'll get enough confetti for both.

Honey-- honey, you remember Corinne Denby.

She-- she's the best illustrator in the business.

I mean, imagine her and me working-- working together.

It-- It's like a-- a veritable who's who of-- of-- how to.

Yes, I remember who she is, Dick.

You always go on and on about how talented she is.

Like she was God's gift to captions.

Like some sort of Joan of Art.

And whenever I talk about her, you always get that face.

Like that one now.

Actually, Dick, I'm really glad.

You're finally getting the chance

to work alone in a room

with an incredibly dynamic woman you find totally fascinating.

Really, I'm happy.

I guess she's going off to beam in private.

Joanna, I think I got enough confetti.

George, don't you think that's a little much?

I mean, you-- you dump that on someone,

you're liable to snap their spine.

It was a bargain, Dick.

Five dollars for the whole bag.

Boy, that is cheap.

Yeah, I hope they're not irregulars.

Oh, wait a minute.

That stuff isn't trained to go back in the bag, is it?

No.

Well, then, I think we should go with

the standard confetti rule:

You throw it, you clean it up.

Hey, now there's just two more check-ins

before the 5000th guest.

So what's our signal gonna be?

How about, uh, "Hey, everybody, it's the 5000th guest!"

Might work.

All right. I'm here.

Hi, you-- you must be Corinne. I'm-- I'm Dick Loudon.

Hi.

My, this is very charming.

It's very quaint.

You do have indoor plumbing?

Yes. And this is my wife, Joanna.

And-- and our handyman, George.

Nice to meet you, Corinne, or should I say, 4999.

What?

You just missed being our 5000th guest

to stay here at the Stratford.

And-- and having about a ton of confetti

dumped on you.

Well,

always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

This, uh-- this is-- is great.

I'm a-- I'm a huge, huge fan of yours.

I-- I love the-- I love The , uh--

The Illustrated History of-- of Car Interiors.

I mean, your drawing of the '65 Mustang

was-- was so lifelike

that when I-- I finally saw the real thing,

that-- that third dimension ruined it for me.

Uh-huh.

The publisher, uh, sent me some of your Mr. Fixit books.

Yeah. And-- and?

I didn't bother to read 'em yet.

Ah.

Uh, George?

You're gonna be in Room 2, upstairs to the right.

Thank you.

I-- I guess after that long trip,

you'll wanna go up to your room and

"draw" a bath?

[ Laughs ]

You'll have to use that,

in the book after this one.

Here's the proud innkeeper and innkeepess.

Michael, what are you doing here?

Dick, this 5000th guest thing is a major event in this town.

It's not like we're blessed with random killings

to fill the news every night.

And I'll be covering it from the first Roman candle

till you've ta-ra'd your last boom-de-ay.

Michael, there is no band and no boom-de-ay.

Oh, really, Dick? How're you gonna celebrate?

Give the guy a noogie?

We have confetti.

Wow. Down, you goosebumps?

[ Giggles ]

So, uh, wherefore art five-thou?

There's a guy coming up the walk,

and he's got 5000th guest written all over him!

JOANNA: Okay, this is it!

Everybody get ready! Here we go!

Oh!

Please, God of Ratings, let him be good-looking.

George, if he's not, hide him in a flurry of confetti.

Right, Michael.

Hey, everybody, it's the 5000th guest!

-Whee. -[ Spins ratchet ]

Here-- here-- here you go.

Tell us what you're feeling.

I was wondering how to get to Red Meadow Lane.

What?

You're not here to check in?

No.

Red Meadow Lane is two miles down,

past the fire station.

Ah. Thank you.

Give-- give me the gift back.

Why?

Because that's for our 5000th guest,

which we thought you were.

Well, am I any special number

of people who come by and ask for directions?

No.

Well, now next time

I'm not gonna have any enthusiasm.

Oh, that could've been me.

Good, uh-- good morning, Corinne.

-Good morning. -Oh, so you're Corinne.

Hi. I'm Michael Harris.

Dick says you're about the greatest thing

to come into his life in a long, long time.

Oh. Sorry, JoJo.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll-- I'll just be outside

getting some establishing shots.

Well, I'm, uh-- I'm ready to get started if-- if you are.

I just want to tell you again how excited I am

about our-- our collaboration.

Oh, yeah, me too.

My accountant said that this could be just the thing

to pay off my back taxes.

Well, let me show you the room where you'll be

paying them off in.

[ Chuckles ]

I-- I had George move your, uh, drawing board.

[ Scraping noise ]

But you-- you can put it any-- anywhere you want.

What? It's a shelf.

And it's-- and it's-- it's great.

I-- I-- I think I've come up with, uh, the perfect title for--

for-- for this book.

Another one?

"Let's Build...

a Media Room."

Let's do better.

You've shot down every title I-- I pitched.

Well, solely because I'm shooting

for something a little different.

Something good.

I don't think your shelf is so great.

Oh, come on.

You'd feel a lot worse if I said

I liked your stuff, and I didn't.

Try me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Taps pencil ]

Oh, could you please put-- Uh, the tapping. Please.

What?

Well, you know, it's funny, but any other time

I really enjoy listening

to an annoying, relentless noise.

Okay, how-- how 'bout this one?

"Today's Storage Closet...

is Tomorrow's Media Room."

It's okay.

Yeah, it is pretty good, isn't it?

Oh, great.

Now let's waste some time gloating.

What-- what-- what are you doing?

I'm signalling my compatriots in a waiting sub.

Look, this-- this room is kinda small,

and I think that the smoke will-- will irritate me.

So?

So don't do it.

But I'll get cranky.

I'm afraid that foursome has already teed off.

Okay, Steph.

Now, cute.

[ Giggles ]

Cuter.

Cutest.

Oh, that's incredible, Steph!

I know. Even I'm amazed at my range.

What are you doing?

It's a video vignette of my muffin in motion.

So future generations will know there was a time

when people actually looked this good.

Hey, JoJo, why don't you get into the shot?

Michael!

For contrast, cuppers!

You know, they say the camera puts 10 pounds on you.

Cut!

But, Steph!

Well, Michael, you put 10 pounds on a petite,

and she looks like someone

who should wear one of those bathing suits with a skirt.

George, where have you been?

Mr. Shepard should be checking in any minute.

Oh, Stephanie used a vacuum cleaner

to pick up the confetti.

I've been trying to pick out the confetti

from the plain garbage.

I think I'll ask Dick if he could help me with this.

Oh, he's busy, George.

He's in there with the greatest person

to come into his life in a long time.

Get out of my office!

Gladly.

And take your filthy cigarettes with you!

And you can tap your pencil straight to Hell!

I can't work with that woman!

Has the-- has the she--demon come down for breakfast yet?

No, and you don't have to put on that

"I hate her" act anymore.

Honey, this isn't an act.

I despise her.

I mean, she criticizes everything I write.

She's driving me nuts.

Well, something about Miss Denby must inspire you,

'cause this is some of your best work.

Okay. Okay, what--

what we wrote was-- was really good,

but I-- I keep thinking about all the pretty good things

I could've written

in the-- in the five years she's taken off my life.

Besides, I discovered I have a hidden talent.

What are these?

Those are illustrations for the book.

Of what?

Of a media room.

You see-- you see the build-ins?

Dick, do shelves have cheeks?

Good morning, guys.

Hey, these are great.

Thank you, George.

Sure.

Did the kid who's staying in Room 3 do them?

Okay, so I need her.

I knew it.

What?

I knew you couldn't stay away from her for long.

Dick, is this is supposed to be an elephant in a hamper?

It's work in progress, George.

Isn't very far along, is it?

Can I have breakfast...

or are you planning to throw me out hungry?

[ Clears throat ]

Would you like some coffee?

Sure.

No cream, no sugar, no poison.

Look,

we acted pretty rotten and-- and edgy in that room yesterday.

Especially you.

But, uh, I-- I've been looking over the--

the work we've done and--

well, we did some pretty damned good work.

Especially me.

So I-- I think we should go back there and--

try to be tolerant of each other's habits,

and I think we can finish this

and have something we're...

both gonna be proud of.

Well, I guess we could give it another shot.

I mean, I've already spent the advance.

So let's go in there and be nice.

So I can get the hell out of here.

Great.

The kid in Room 3?

Yeah. Yeah, he's-- he's pretty good.

Yeah.

George, you've been up here the whole time?

Not the whole time, Joanna.

I went to the dining room

and swiped a piece of the cake.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

That's okay, George.

Well, here's a stupid question. Did I miss anything?

We're still stuck at 4999.

Maybe I should change this 5000th customer coverage

into a report on the sorry state of a country inn on the outs.

Has the Stratford become a deathbed and breakfast?

[ Giggling ]

Oh, by the way, JoJo,

George took a piece of cake.

I already told her.

Hey! There's two people coming up the walk,

-with luggage! -Oh!

Okay, let's get this 5000th guest thing over with,

but after this, no more counting.

-Hey-- -Let's keep driving.

Honey, this looks like a nice place.

Let's check in.

We promise we'll make your stay a special one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sign in.

If we keep going, we can get to Aunt Lydia's by five.

You know how you feel about her.

Yeah. The sooner we get there the sooner we can leave.

Besides, this place is falling apart.

The paint is peeling.

Yeah.

Maybe we should've told 'em they were the 5000th guest.

It would've been a hollow victory.

Uh, could-- uh, could-- could I-- could I get you--

get you a-- a-- cup of coffee?

Oh, that's very kind of you,

but I'd be more than happy to get it for myself.

Pl--Please-- please, it-- it would be--

it would be my pleasure.

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

You-- you know, I-- I don't--

I don't think your drawing table

was de-- was designed for-- for this.

Uh...

why-- why don't-- why don't I--?

I'll just-- I'll just hold it for you.

Oh, no. No, that's okay. I'll manage.

You're incredible.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, this is great coffee. It's great.

You drink it great.

I know!

[ Laughing ]

[ Pencil tapping ]

Oh! I'm sorry.

No, no, no. That's okay.

[ Chuckles ]

What-- what-- what do you think of this?

"Store your tapes an adequate distance

from your speaker magnets--"

Uh-huh?

DICK: --or...

when you go to use a tape,

you may draw...

a blank."

[ Laughing ]

Oh, that's brilliant, tremendous.

I mean, I've gotta hand it to you,

that tapping really paid off.

[ Sighs ]

You know, I think the whole

smoking part of these things is overrated.

Oh, why don't you--

why don't you go ahead and light one up? Uh, here.

Huh?

A-- allow me.

Y--you know, that-- uh, that diagram is-- is a classic.

I'm-- I'm gonna-- I'm gonna change--

change my sentence to-- to describe that hinge.

Mmm, no, no, no, no.

Don't you touch that genius sentence.

It's very easy for me to erase this hinge.

But it's-- it's-- it's a brilliant hinge.

I mean, it-- it-- it-- it jumps off the page at you.

I-- I mean, I can-- I can almost hear it,

uh, squeaking.

Oh, it's not annoying you, is it?

No! No, no.

Please, let me--

let me change my sentence.

Okay, great.

[ Clears throat ]

You know,

C--Corinne, I-- I-- I have to hand it you--

-CORINNE: Huh? -I mean, you-- you've been so--

so sweet and-- and-- and terrific

I mean, just, you know-- just look at-- look at all--

all the work we've done.

You know, ev-- everything is-- it's so--

[ Sighs ]

Is-- Is it just me or is all this stuff blech?

Well,

as long as we're being honest, and let's,

I mean, this drawing wouldn't even get me

into a matchbook art school.

Yeah, this getting along stuff is making me bad.

It's also making me sick.

Yeah, it's just--

it's just not clicking the-- the-- the way it used to.

[ Sighs ]

So take that pile of pages,

and whip it into something

that I can read without retching!

I will, as soon as you take that filthy cigarette

out of my face!

[ Blows smoke ]

Now we're cookin'.

I'm outta this hell palace.

Good. You're already pre-checked out,

so you don't have to break your stride.

Fine!

Chimney!

Tapper!

I'm beginning to think you really don't like her.

Well, at least the book is finished and she's gone.

[ Pencil tapping ]

Dick. Dick, uh--

[ Sighs ]

The cab driver told me that the airport was fogged in.

I can't leave!

Then...

you have-- you have to check in again.

Yeah.

Pinch me.

It's the 5000th guest!

So it is.

Meow.