Original subtitles

Dick, finish your feast and feast your peepers on this.

It's a list of the 400 wealthiest people in television.

Don't bother checking. You're not on there.

[ Giggles ]

But don't worry, Dickster,

I've come up with a moolah-making idea

that'll put you on next year's list,

right up there with Merv, Dick Clark,

and that Bochco guy.

[ Clears throat ]

Sure, Michael.

Next month, they're holding the annual Syndie convention.

That's the convention where all the TV producers

try and sell their shows for syndication.

Now, follow me on this.

We take your show, Vermont Today ,

keep the basic charm and homespun humor,

but we rename it Small Town Today .

Suddenly you've got something a whole nation wants to see.

That's not a bad idea.

Wait, Dick, you're being short-sighted.

Michael, I think the idea is okay.

You mean you like an idea I came up with?

I think it's great.

I think we should go to the convention.

Dick, I spent all night working up

brilliant counter-arguments,

some of them in Latin.

Well, Michael, if stations across the country

wanna syndicate me, and Dick Loudon

can be seen nationwide, um, why not?

Gee, I didn't count on the old ego kicking in.

Where's-- where's the convention?

MICHAEL: That's the best part.

Practice your Satchmo impression

and get ready to beat your tootsies

on the Mississippi mud.

In two weeks, we're going to New Orleans.

[ Impersonating Louis Armstrong ] Oh, yeah!

Michael!

Cuppers!

Did I hear mention of a glamourous city down South

that we've never been to

that has boutiques and restaurants and--?

You're going alone, aren't you?

Not-- not alone, with Dick.

Same thing.

Michael, read my lip.

Steph, if I can sell Vermont Today

in syndication,

we'll make enough money to cure something.

[ Giggles ]

But don't worry. We won't.

[ Giggling ]

Oh. Here we are, way down yonder in Da Big Easy.

[ Giggles ]

Yeah. I never heard that before.

Um, Michael, you-- you didn't tell me

that we were going to have to-- to share a room.

Oh, it's the station budget, Dick.

We're-- we're on a shoestring.

And-- and look at this, Michael.

We're-- we're even gonna have to share a bed.

Dick, don't be disgusting.

There's a rollaway over there. I'm sure you'll love it.

[ Unzipping luggage ]

Dibs on these drawers! Dibs on these. And these.

Michael, you left me nothing.

I have designer ensembles, Dick.

You have those schlumpy cardigans.

Besides, I-- I-- I left you room in the nightstand.

Just pull out the Gideon and jam your duds in there.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Steph.

No, I haven't sold Dick's show yet.

Well, sweet knees, we just got here 15 minutes ago.

[ Giggles ]

But don't worry. I-- I will. It-- It's a lock.

Oh, no. I miss you more than you miss me.

[ Giggles ]

I do too.

[ Giggles ]

I do too.

I do too.

He does, okay?

O--okay, cupcake. I'll talk-- I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[ Kisses ]

Michael, the-- the phone company gets real annoyed

when you suck someone through from the other end.

Oh, till-- till tomorrow, cupcake. Oh, okay.

Uh, Dick, Joanna wants to talk to you.

Bye, cupper-wupper-uppers!

[ Giggles ]

Hi. Hi, honey.

Huh? Uh...

it's about 65 and partly cloudy.

You too. Bye.

Yeah, you really got it bad, Dick.

Wow. This is great.

I get to sit in Dick's chair when he's away.

And I get to check in his guests.

And I get to drink from his cup.

Don't worry, Joanna. That's where it ends.

[ Sniffing ]

Stephanie.

These eggs are runny.

And my cinnamon toast is burned.

Well, I'm depressed about Michael being away!

Me too.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is other brother Darryl.

And we come bearing unfortunate news.

We had a grease fire over at the caf�.

A fire?

No human damage,

but all our major food groups were scorched.

Our entire kitchen was destroyed.

Well, guys, if there's anything we can do to help...

As a matter of fact,

we was wonderin' if durin' the crisis,

we could use your kitchen to cook our caf� foods.

Uh, could I take back that "anything"?

Miss Joanna, if we don't keep the caf� goin',

our money'll dry up,

and there goes our standard of living.

Oh, guys, really, I--

If you won't do it for us, do it for our regular?

[ Sighs ]

Okay. You can use our kitchen.

Thank you. Miss Joanna, you're a lifesaver.

Now all we need is your dining room.

What?

Well, we knew better than to dump this on you all at once.

Guys, really, I--

I'd like to help, but, see,

we need our dining room

to serve breakfast to our guests.

You got yourself a deal.

You get it for breakfast.

We get it for lunch and dinner.

Wow!

Diner food without having to go out for it.

Well, okay.

Don't worry.

We'll do our darnedest not to burn your place down.

Oh, here come some potential live ones

for Small Town Today .

Here, country it up, Dick.

Put on this hat and suck on this straw.

I am not wearing farm accessories.

Okay, but while I'm pitching, at least spit once in a while.

Hi. Welcome to Small Town Today .

This show is a great buy,

and here's a man for all time slots,

Dick Loudon.

Hi.

What does he do?

You name it, he does it.

He interviews, he quips, he spits.

I don't spit.

And-- and-- and here, have some, uh--

Have some genuine Vermont salt water taffy.

Vermont salt water taffy?

It's a sales tool, Dick. You're not an easy sell.

I mean, you're not exactly Robie, the Atomic Rooster.

You can't even get near that booth.

Hi! Meet Dick Loudon.

He has appeal across the board.

He's-- he's more homespun than Mark Twain.

He's cuddlier than Bert Convy

and he's more flexible than Gumby.

[ Giggles ]

Well, if he is all that

he's gonna be tough to turn down.

I'm Michael Harris, producer of Small Town Today .

You've met our star host, Dick Loudon.

I'm Erica Sloane,

vice president with Westcott Broadcasting.

Westcott Broadcasting, major shekels,

mucho mucho dinero.

Yes, we represent 55 independents nationwide,

and, uh, right now we're in the market

for an upscale half an hour,

we could run on Sundays against football.

Dick is perfect.

Women love Dick because he's a father figure,

and the jocks like him because they know they can take him.

[ Giggles ]

We're on a very tight budget.

We couldn't go over 40,000 an episode.

I think we can struggle along on that.

Well, uh,

I think I'll look around the rest of the exhibits

and see if anything sparks me, but, uh,

I'm definitely interested in what I see here.

I may be in touch.

Nice to meet you, Dick.

Michael.

Boy, that Westcott Group knows how to pick 'em, huh?

[ Giggles ]

Hey, did you hear that?

40 thou a show.

It costs us about five.

Do you realize what this means for Steph and me?

Michael, it's a long way from a sale.

Well, maybe if you'd whipped out the taffy.

Forget the taffy.

I'm the star of the show, I'll-- I'll handle

the next couple that comes by.

Hi. Hi, I'm Dick Loudon.

We-- we have lots of, uh, features,

news, human interest.

Our-- our, uh--

our-- our show's-- our show's in color.

Uh, uh, uh, taffy?

Hello again.

Hi! Care for some sugar shock?

[ Giggles ]

I've looked around and decided what I want is right here.

Great!

I'm interested in purchasing two years,

104 episodes of Small Town Today for syndication.

You mean it?

Well, there are three conditions to this purchase.

One, that you deliver the first 13 episodes

by June 15th.

No problema.

Two, that the price per episode will be 40,000.

Well, okay.

And three, that you spend the night with me.

Pardon me?

I'm very attracted to you, Michael.

I'd like to go to bed with you.

Wow. [ Chuckles ]

This is better than winning luggage.

Look, I-- I'm honored by your offer,

but I-- I have a cupcake at home.

I'm involved.

Well, that's too bad.

Are you sure you won't reconsider?

[ Giggling ] Well--

I really don't think I should.

Michael, think about what you're giving up here.

I could do wonders for both you and your business.

Now, I'm on a very tight schedule,

and I need a decision right now.

Okay, yes.

Come on, Michael, it isn't a senior prom.

We're just gonna go out and see New Orleans.

Actually, uh, Dick,

that's what you're gonna be doing.

What-- what do you mean?

Well, remember I told you the-- the show was sold and--

and we got our price?

Well, it's just a little wrinkle.

What-- what is it?

She wants my bod.

What-- what?

Erica propositioned me, Dick.

She's offered to buy two year's worth of episodes

in exchange for one night of passionate ya-ha.

Are you-- are you telling me that--

that talc wasn't for me?

Mich--Michael, I don't-- I don't believe this.

Dick, I'm not a vegetable.

I'm-- I'm an hombre with hormones.

This lady is Venus with an attach� case.

Besides, this is our only shot at big bucks.

Michael, you-- you can't tell me the--

the other booths are doing this!

How could I turn this down? She's offering us a bundle!

She's gorgeous.

And she doesn't want any commitments.

And no one will ever know, except for you.

And hopefully her.

No complications.

Really?

What about Stephanie?

Oh, you--

you thought about her too, huh, Dick?

Michael, you think that this is-- this is just tonight.

But...

this is going to affect you and Stephanie forever.

I mean, Stephanie is-- is-- is your...

[ Sighs ]

...cupper-wupper-uppers.

You-- you-- you can't do this.

Oh, come on, Dick.

In all the years you've been married to Joanna,

you never Oingo Boingo'd with another woman?

If-- if that means what I think it means... no.

Really?

Because the buzz at the station for a while

was that you and Pearl had a thing going.

Michael, forget about the show.

Put on your coat, and we'll go out

and do guy things.

Uh, Dick,

I'm staying.

Erica-- Erica's due here in an hour.

She's coming here?

It's closer to my grooming kit.

Besides, you-- you did say you wanted a night out

on the town.

Michael, I'll be back at midnight.

Okay, okay, but if there's a bra on the door,

that'll be the signal.

Here you go.

One Adam and Eve on a shingle.

One poultry surprise.

A handful of succotash.

Ew!

JOANNA: I know, Stephanie.

Joanna, look at these people.

I mean, shouldn't we be taking injections or something?

They are a bit scruffy.

One of our guests asked me if our hotel

was on a prison program.

Wow. It's exciting living in a house

that's got its own milkshake machine.

You know, when the guys make me one,

they leave half in the glass and half in the canister.

That way when you look down and see you're empty--

--presto! You've got another glass just waiting for you.

You find the good in everything, don't you, George?

Uh-huh.

I hate that in a person.

[ Sighs ]

I thought this was a bed and breakfast inn.

I didn't know you served dinner.

We don't. This is a temporary arrangement.

Oh. Uh, would you recommend it?

Well, not really.

Two? Right here.

We have a special today on sea creatures.

LARRY: Ooh, hot potato, hot potato, hot potato!

Wait, you ordered mashed potatoes,

didn't ya? Darryl?

Guys, guys, [ Chuckles ]

we have to talk.

There's a problem here.

We know.

You're a clean freak.

Huh?

Well, no sooner does the lunch rush leave

than you swoop down with a vacuum cleaner

and suck up the ambiance.

It's a sickness.

Miss Joanna, personally, I could live with it,

but Darryl here's disgusted.

I'm afraid we'll have to feed our multitudes elsewhere.

At least 'til you get therapy.

Thanks, fellas,

that's just the kind of incentive I need.

This wasn't what drove your husband away, was it?

Wonder if there's anything in here about

cupcake cheating?

[ Car honking outside ]

Hi, cuppers!

Oh, I-- I just wanted to hear your voice.

So how are things going in getting our millions?

Well-- Well, Steph, we're close to a deal,

but there are-- there are complications.

Let me lay out the details.

Oh, Michael, you know I'm not a detail person.

Well, I don't like the terms of the deal.

I may turn it down.

Are my perfect shell-like ears hearing right?

Are you going to come back home

not doing what you said you were going to do?

Cupcake, if by some chance it all goes tummy-up on me,

I've bought you enough gifts to give new meaning

to the term "Louisiana Purchase."

Michael, I have faith in you as a boyfriend

and as a producer,

and I know you'll do whatever it takes

to sell that show, so do it.

Are-- are you sure you really mean that?

Beg if you have to.

[ Knock on door ]

ERICA: Michael?

I don't think that'll be necessary.

Well, Steph, uh,

I-- I better go. I-- I've gotta put this thing to bed.

STEPHANIE: That's the spirit.

[ Sighs ]

Hi. Sorry I'm early, but I couldn't wait.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi.

I-- I thought they couldn't improve on that

chocolate on the pillow thing.

[ Giggles ]

You know, I like you without your glasses.

How do you know? I'm wearing them.

Mm, I was right.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, look, I-- I got-- I got us some,

uh, champagne to celebrate our deal.

Of course, now you may have to pour.

[ Sighs ]

Well, why don't we save it for afterwards?

Yeah, afterwards.

Well, I've never done this with a TV executive before.

[ Chuckles ]

Hope I do well in the overnights.

[ Giggles ]

[ Chuckles ]

You... are so adorable.

Whoops.

Hey! Great-- great to see you.

There, uh--

there-- there was no-- there was no bra on the door.

I'm sorry, Dick.

She's still wearing the signal.

I, uh--

I-- I forgot my wallet. It's on the dressing--

I-- I'll get it. I'll get it.

[ Sighs ]

Hi. Hi, how-- how you doin'?

[ Sighs ]

So I, uh--

[ Chuckles ]

I hear-- I hear you, uh-- you like-- you like my show.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Sighs ]

Boy, how--

how 'bout that Mississippi? [ Chuckles ]

Mi--Mi-- uh, Michael?

Oh, thanks. Thanks. Nice-- nice,

cha-- cha-- chatting-- chatting with you.

Dick, don't leave me alone with this media vixen!

I don't know if I wanna go through with it.

Then, don't.

But I don't know if I don't wanna go

through with it either.

Michael, this is a decision you're gonna have to

make all by yourself.

I mean, if you wanna go for one-- one cheap moment of--

of guilt-ridden pleasure and ill-gotten financial gain

or-- or remain true to--

to your sweetheart back home

who you supposedly love with all your heart.

See what I mean, Dick? It's a close call.

Erica, this thing,

you sort of backed me into a--

backed me into a corner to do...

Well, let's get to it.

[ Sighs ]

-Michael? -Present!

Erica, I'm sorry.

I don't think I can go through with this.

Why?

Because-- because I already have

a cute quesadilla occupying this ticker.

Are you saying you're sick?

No. No, no, the point is,

this isn't right and-- and no amount of money,

although your amount was close,

is worth betraying her.

[ Sighs ]

Michael, I am very disappointed.

And you should be too.

I mean, you realize at 40,000 a show,

you just lost yourself over 4 million dollars?

[ Sighs ]

How 'bout 20,000 a show and some heavy petting?

No. No, I can't.

Good-bye, Erica.

[ Sighs ]

You know, you really are a nice guy.

Poor, but nice.

[ Door closing ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Car honking outside ]

To you, Steph.

I wonder what she's gonna do to me

for blowing this deal.

Meow.