Original subtitles

Hi, George.

[ Sighs ]

Why-- why the long face?

Well, I know this is gonna sound kinda silly coming from me,

but I'm homesick.

George, you-- you grew up in this house.

How-- how can you--

How-- how can you be homesick when-- when you're home?

Yeah, this inn is virtually the same as it was

when you were a kid.

Except, uh, for you two being around.

Well, you-- you want us to leave the room?

No. No, I just feel kind of nostalgic.

I miss sledding down Bleeker's Hill

on my flexible flyer.

I miss the smell of my dog after a rain,

and I miss my mom's special home-made pudding.

Well, there are four houses at the bottom

of Bleeker's Hill now and...

since we don't really wanna smell a wet dog,

why don't I try to make you that special pudding?

Really?

Sure. What's the name of it?

George's Favorite Pudding.

Well, that's what my mom called it.

It was also called Indian Pudding.

I remember, because whenever my mom asked if I wanted any,

I'd always say,

"And how."

Well, it cracked my mom up.

George, I'm gonna look in my cookbooks,

find the recipe for Indian Pudding

and whip up a batch for you.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, you'd do that for him?

Remember last week when I--

I asked you to make me some-- some Yankee pot roast?

Well, yes, Dick, but this isn't three in the morning.

Besides, this sounds like fun.

Boy, I really used to love that stuff.

I ate a bowl of it every day until I got sick of it,

and after only 40 years, the craving is back.

Well, if you want me, I'll be in the kitchen,

stirring up some memories.

G-- uh, George, when she comes back,

would you also tell her

you have a craving for Yankee pot roast?

I think she'll see right through that one, Dick.

Hey, Dick. Look at us. Notice anything?

We look even happier than usual!

[ Giggles ]

And here's why.

I've come up with a great new idea

for a TV series.

How 'bout a home shopping show?

Michael, I-- I don't know how to break this to you,

but there already are quite a few

home shopping shows.

Dick, where do you expect me to get my ideas?

Make them up?

[ Chuckles ]

But this one is unique,

because it would be starring one of the most

exciting personalities

to ever push a painting of poker-playing pooches.

My little muffin,

Stephanie Van-- as in Vanna

--derkellen.

Pretty exciting, huh, Dick?

I-- I definitely felt a chill.

It's the job she was born to do.

Her total lack of marketable skills

makes her a natural.

It's perfect.

The combination of me and shopping.

Is God involved or what?

When-- when does this whole incredible thing kick off?

As soon as we get you to agree to do it.

A-- Agree to do what?

To co-host the show.

We have an absolute go-ahead from Bev,

pending an okay from you,

and, as I recall, not two minutes ago,

the idea gave you chills?

No.

Talk about wild mood swings.

Michael, I wanna do this very, very, very badly.

Dick, you heard her. Three verys.

Michael, I hate home shopping shows.

Dick, let me get this straight.

Just because you hate something,

does this mean you won't take money to do it?

Yes.

How do you talk to somebody like that?

Hi, Dick.

Hi. Hi, Stephanie.

I bet you're wondering what brings me

into your dreary little study on a nice day like this

when I don't have to be here.

No, actually,

I have a pretty good idea of why you came in here.

You know, your penholder is a little far away.

Let me move it for you.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I also moved the penholder on the registration desk

closer to where you usually stand.

Now, will you do the shopping show with me?

No.

After I did all those favors for you!

Dick, you've got to do it.

Never in my life have I ever been refused anything before.

I might die.

Well, I'm-- I'm up to tempting fate.

[ Sighs ]

I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, but...

as your employee, I am--

saddened to announce

that unless you co-host the show with me,

I'm going to be forced to initiate a work slowdown.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry to hear that.

Let me know when it starts.

[ Typing ]

Dick?

I want a home shopping show.

Nice performance, Steph.

[ Sobs ]

Dick, it would mean a lot to me.

I don't let many people

see me sobbing gently this way.

[ Sobs ]

I, uh-- I appreciate that and-- and I'm sorry.

All right, Dick, I'm through toying with you.

You're forcing me to fight dirty.

Please, Dick.

Well, okay.

How did she do that?

So, Dick, the key here is to adlib.

Just say wonderful things about the product

until the phone goes nuts.

Just have fun with it.

Michael.

Here, watch while I practice pointing at items.

Wow, Steph!

You're my magic muffin!

DIRECTOR: Okay, kids. Places. In three, two...

You're shopping at home Isn't it fun all by yourself?

You're shopping at home Isn't it fun with no one else?

Shopping, shopping

Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop!

Hi, I'm, uh--

I'm-- I'm Dick Loudon.

And I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen,

and I hope everyone is ready to shop their brains out today.

So let's get right to our fabulous first item.

Oh, uh--

the, uh, the ceramic, uh, unicorn lamp.

Uh, as you can see, it's-- it's perfect for,

uh-- for having something to, uh--

to turn on, you know, when you walk in-- into a...

[ Clears throat ]

in-- into a dark-- uh, dark room.

See, uh, on.

[ Switch clicking ] Off.

On.

Off.

So, you know, call in now and-- and order one if you--

you-- you think you might conceivably want one.

So while we, uh--

while we wait for those calls, here's--

here's Stephanie with-- with-- with another value.

[ Chuckles ] That's right, Dick.

It's this one-piece plastic chip and dip platter

which is called the Globetrotter

because it has all these tacky little sailboats

stencilled on it.

It's probably just perfect

for the kind of people

who would watch a show like this.

And here's the best part.

It's only $9.88.

Even you poor people can afford one.

[ Phone rings ]

Ah!

Hi, you're shopping your brains out

with Stephanie Vanderkellen.

MONTY: Hi. I'm Monty from Burlington.

You're a very cute girl.

I'll take one of those platters.

Aw, only one, Monty?

Oh, uh, okay. I'll take, uh, 10.

[ Laughs ]

Terrific!

Uh, while I deal with the flood of calls,

here's Dick with our next item.

Thanks. Thanks, Steph-- uh, Stephanie.

Uh, the next--

the next item is-- is this, um,

stunning, uh, gorilla pin.

[ Clears throat ]

As-- as you can see, the, uh-- the eyes and--

and the nostrils are clusters of something called,

uh, cylindric diamicron.

It's, uh-- it's really...

It's, uh--

[ Sighs ]

You, uh-- you could wear this to...

So, you know, if it's-- if it's something you want,

I guess, uh--

I guess you might-- might as well

[ Clears throat ] phone right in.

[ Stephanie sighs ]

Uh, Dick, can I interrupt here for a moment?

I'm getting to all your calls for the chip and dips

as fast as I can.

Please be patient.

Well, all, uh-- all my lines are open.

[ Clears throat ] Remember, it's-- it's genuine

cylindric, uh, diamacron.

That's, uh, almost as rare as glass.

Our producer, Michael, asked me to take a pass

at this unicorn lamp.

Okay.

[ Sighs ] I'll admit, it's a little gaudy,

but believe me, a lot of you who are watching right now

have more than your share of gaudy items in your home.

And I really don't think that buying one more

is going to kill you.

I bet the light will reflect really nicely

off those polyester slipcovers.

Watch me as I pose with it

in a variety of interesting ways.

[ Phone rings ]

Yes, you're-- you're on the air.

MAN: Hi. Can I speak to the girl?

Sure.

It's-- it's for you.

Yes, who's this?

KEN: Ken from Montpelier.

Hi, Ken, do you like the pose I'm doing?

KEN: I sure do.

In fact, I'll take four lamps.

Four?

KEN: Okay, a dozen.

You, uh-- you need any gorill-- gorilla pins today, Ken?

KEN: What does the girl think? Does she like 'em?

Sure. They're okay.

KEN: Fine. I'll take two.

Great. Great. They're-- they're terrific, aren't they?

KEN: Make that one.

What are you reading?

A book on salesmanship.

Well, it obviously worked. You bought one, didn't you?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on, Dick.

You're taking this whole thing much too seriously.

Just because Stephanie sold more unicorn lamps

than you did?

And more gold chains.

And more party canisters.

And more gorilla pins.

I mean, that's what really hurt, the stupid, stupid gorilla pins.

Dick, you never even wanted to be a salesman.

Yeah, but I wanted to be

an ineffectual salesman even less.

You-- you know, I-- I've been looking at that--

that loudmouth guy on television that--

that does the stereo ads.

Uh, Loonie-- Loonie Lenny.

I've started looking at him, uh, with a new set of eyes.

He is damned good.

Hi, George. Guess what?

I have a batch of something special for you.

-The pudding? -JOANNA: Uh--huh.

Wow, this is so exciting.

Dick, do you mind if I sit in the exact place

I sat as a kid?

Fine with me, George.

You're in it, Dick.

Oh...

Gee, this feels good.

I've been missing this spot all the years

you've been hogging it.

Here you go, George.

Oh! Thanks.

-It smells just right. -Great.

Joanna, this is absolutely delicious.

Oh, good! I can't tell you how relieved I am.

Yeah. I've never tasted anything like it!

Huh?

Yeah, it's nothing like the pudding my mom made.

Well, that's okay, George. I only made the one vat.

Aw, don't feel bad, Joanna.

It's-- it's almost exactly like it,

it's just that yours is too thick,

too maple-walnutty, needs more vanilla,

and I don't remember this aftertaste.

You can have your seat back now, Dick.

George, don't you worry.

I am not gonna rest

until I make that exact pudding that you had as a boy.

Well, I'm never gonna get my Yankee pot roast.

Don't worry, Dick.

It probably won't taste like you were expecting anyway.

Congratulations, Dick.

For-- for what?

For being part of the most entertaining show

to hit the Vermont area

since Miss Teenage Vermont lost a strap.

[ Giggles ]

The station is thrilled and everywhere we go,

people on the street are smiling and waving

at my little selling sweetie.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Miss Stephanie,

we always enjoy everything that you do,

but you were never more stunning than in your TV debut.

You made us laugh, you made us cry,

you made us buy about a ton of cylindric diamacron.

May we present for your mid-morning pleasure,

our impressions of the constellations.

First, the Big Dipper.

Next: the Little Dipper.

That's, uh, very nice, fellas,

but Steph and I have to be going... now.

Michael, let's call up a nice restaurant

and use my new celebrity status

to bump somebody

who already has a reservation.

[ Giggles ]

Okay.

Big finish.

Darryl, shooting stars!

[ Clears throat ]

Dick, here's your breakfast.

Pudding.

I, uh-- I guess there's no problem if I--

I wanna have some more of this.

You're not still reading that?

Honey, it can't hurt to brush up on some-- some sales techniques

that, you know, could help me on the show

and in-- in everyday life.

Right.

Just don't become obsessed with this.

[ Watch alarm ]

Oops.

Time for another Loonie Lenny commercial!

So how's my on camera cutie today?

Michael, people came up to me while I was buying cream rinse.

But, Steph, you like that. They're your fans.

But now everybody thinks they can talk to me.

Michael, farmers talk to me.

When I go on the air today,

I'm going to make an announcement

that only pleasant-looking people can come up to me.

Uh, Steph, this is just a guess,

but I think that could affect sales.

But we can talk about this later, it's-- it's just a minute to air.

I'm tired.

Could we do the show later today?

Sorry, Steph, no can change schedule.

Hey, hey, how's everybody doin'?

Bring on those chip n' dip platters.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoa! What is this?

I don't know what it is, but I love it,

and I can sell a million of 'em.

Ew, Michael, yuck. Let Dick go first.

Uh, Dick, I guess you--

you've seen your first item.

Seen it and loved it, pal.

Let's play ball.

You're shopping at home

Shopping, shopping

Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop

Hi!

And welcome to Vermont's first and only

home shopping show and me?

I'm Strange Dicky Loudon.

And why am I strange?

Well, wait until you see my prices.

You're not only gonna think I'm strange,

you're gonna think I'm psychotic.

Let's take a look at our first item,

this metallically-decorated plastic ball

will turn any ordinary gathering

into the gallivant of a lifetime

and that's not all!

This ball is completely studded with genuine

cylindric diamacron!

I'm talkin' enough cylindric diamacron

to choke a horse

or to make a horse a chocker!

[ Laughs ]

Now,

you have seen...

this disco ball...

advertised for as much...

as $29.95,

but Dicky Loudon says that price is all wet!

[ Laughing ] DICK: O-- Okay--

Excuse me, Dick.

Hey, everyone! Look who's here!

It's that wacky babe of home shopping,

Miss Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Give her a hand!

Hi. I wasn't going to say this,

because I know how much our viewers enjoy me

and how I mean the world to them and everything,

but I really can't go on doing this.

I mean, I'm bored of selling these things

and besides, it's not fair to make me touch them.

It's probably a good idea for me to quit the show

before I start to lose my good taste.

I mean, look what happened to this man.

That's all. Good bye. Love ya.

Well, she's gone, but I'm back!

[ Chuckling ]

We've got a lot of great values for you today.

People say to me,

"Dickie Loudon, how do you get away with it?

How do you make a profit

with some of the prices you charge?

Are you deranged? Are you nuts?"

And I tell 'em, "Yeah!"

[ Laughing ]

Why else would I sell--

sell you this confederate soldier cookie jar

with his wooden leg studded with the miracle

of cylindrical diamacron

for only $19.95?

You heard me correctly, $19.95!

Uh, excuse me, Dick,

I have to interrupt here for a second.

Michael, you don't interrupt a crazy man

when he's got rebel cookie jars to sell!

I-- I-- I'm sorry, Dick,

but the show has been cancelled.

But why?

But-- but why?

Well, Dick, we have to be realistic.

Without Stephanie, there's no show.

Um, Michael, I think--

I think Strange Dicky Loudon is really catch-- catching on.

ANNOUNCER: We now switch to a rerun of Pearl's Kitchen

with her omelet already in progress.

Michael, I-- I can't believe you.

You-- you talk me into-- to doing a show that I hate,

and then I get excited about it and then you--

you yank it away from me.

Well, I-- I tell you what, Dick, just so we're all square.

The, uh-- the disco ball, it's all yours.

[ Sighs ]

Now-- now that it's all over,

I-- I know I should feel re-relieved, but--

I don't know, somehow I feel like I've--

I've-- I've failed.

Well, you did fail, Dick.

That might account for part of it.

Who would I talk to about the fact that--

that the horn is coming loose on my unicorn lamp?

Here you go, George. Batch number five.

By the way, I'm sorry about that

force-feeding episode with batch number four.

[ Clears throat ]

The color looks right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got the color right three batches ago.

Just eat.

Wow!

Joanna, this is it!

Really?

There's no mistaking that flavor!

This is it exactly!

Oh, I did it! I did it!

Yep, you sure did. That's Mom's pudding.

[ Sighs happily ] JOANNA: Oh!

And I'm still sick of it.

Meow.