Original subtitles

Uh, Stephanie?

Yes?

Uh, I thought I asked for a cheese omelet.

There-- There's no cheese in here.

Did you look? Maybe it's further in.

Stephanie.

[ Sighs ]

Good morning, guys. Notice anything different?

Not with the naked eye.

I'm carrying the new morning paper.

Well, you-- you do have that glow.

County Morning News.

Gee, they must've--

they must've pulled an all-nighter

to come up with that-- that masthead.

It's real thick, and it's got all this extra stuff.

Those are sections, George.

You know, this paper carries Mary Worth ?

And she still looks the same.

Does she know how to take care of herself or what?

What's-- What's the headline?

"Mrs. Betty Atwater trucking to Tyville

with sister this morning."

Why, it's nothing but a scandal sheet.

"We'll probably do some shopping," says Betty.

"No doubt she'll be getting a perm as well," argue experts.

Okay, here's your cheese omelet.

Stephanie, um, don't you think it would taste better

if the cheese sli�

I don't think so.

Stephanie, we have a new morning paper.

Ew! I'm not touching it.

World events gets your hands all icky and black.

Well, that's what kept me out of the political arena.

Oh, look, Dick, it's got

an entertainment / livestock section.

Hey, there's a review of Vermont Today

by some guy, Curtis Bilgray.

What-- What does it say?

Uh, says--

Whoa.

Is-- Is it-- Is it good?

Well, look, honey,

what does some stupid Vermont pencil pusher

know about local talk shows anyway?

Besides, we all love you.

But-- But is it good?

[ Clears throat ]

"If any of you suffer from the agony of insomnia,

fear not.

I have the cure:

Dick Loudon of Vermont Today .

Uh, Dick Loudon, the alleged host,

[ Clears throat ]

has all the charisma of peat moss.

Let's see-- irritating-- irritating shifty eyes.

Continued on page 12, see...

'Bore'."

Dick, don't pay any attention. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Although he says it well.

Hi.

I'm Larry,

this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Oh, I guess you've perused the diatribe.

Don't worry.

As you can tell,

we're not ashamed to be seen with ya.

And-- And vice, um--

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

The reason we're here is, well, eureka. We hit pay dirt.

Larry, what happened?

Well, last night when Darryl here was...

whippin' up a batch of pancakes for the mornin',

and they started blisterin',

Darryl noticed that one of 'em started to form an eerie likeness

to one of our greatest historical figures.

Who?

Paul Anka.

It's as plain as the shifty eyes on your face.

Gaze upon the mystical flapjack.

It-- It looks... just like a-- a pancake.

Wait, wait. Does Paul Anka have a beard?

Oops, pocket fuzz.

[ Spits ]

This is the biggest thing to happen to us

since Darryl had mud splashed on him

by a motorin' Tom Bosley.

Or was it David Doyle?

Anyway, we bet Paul Anka will...

plug in special lyrics for My Way in our honor.

We'd be obliged if you'd spread the word of our blessed vision.

But not until we've had time

to gear up for the onslaught of curiosity-seekers.

Uh, guys, I'd-- I'd put a hold on that-- on that gearing up.

Uh, to tell you the truth, I-- I don't see anything.

Wow, Paul Anka!

Okay. I fixed the leg on the wooden bird.

Oh, good.

I was afraid we were gonna have to shut down.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, George, can I read your, uh, County Morning News ?

Yeah, but don't disappear with it.

I'm sort of wrapped up in that Betty Atwater story.

It-- It seems she slammed uh, the car door

on her sister's coat

and dragged the hem all the way to Tyville.

I think I smell a Pulitzer.

Dick, you still wanna read that rag

even after that review?

Joanna, I'm not-- I'm not gonna hold a grudge.

Oh, look, there's another review.

Let's see who he sinks his teeth into today.

Oops, it's you again, Dick.

"Last time I wrote a less-than-glowing review

of Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon.

Thinking that I might...

have been...

unfair to base my judgment on one viewing,

I watched some tapes of past shows...

and it is with head bowed in shame

that I report I was wrong."

Ah!

"I let Loudon off easy.

I didn't even scratch the surface

of banality and sheer dullness...

that is Vermont Today. "

Uh, uh, this-- this is insane. I-- I can't-- can't read anymore.

"Worst of all is his habit--

--is his habit of sitting.

When Dick Loudon sits in a chair,

one is instantly reminded of a koala bear

propped up on Johnny Carson's desk

during a visit by Joan Embery.

Next issue:

Dick Loudon, the voice that makes your ears bleed."

I think he's starting to exaggerate now, Dick.

Oh, honey.

Hi.

-Hi. -Oh, hi, Jim. Hi, Chester.

We saw that review, Dick.

Just think, all this time we've been watching your show,

we didn't know it wasn't any good.

But we want you to know

that we still watch Vermont Today.

We just pull the shades down.

Yeah. It's become a guilty pleasure.

Did, uh-- Did you guys come over here

just to pour salt in the wounds?

No. We were in the neighborhood to see the pancake.

It's awesome, Dick.

Just think: Paul Anka's face in our town.

Everyone's all abuzz.

Let's go back and see it again.

My ears are okay. How about yours?

Oh, my!

Well, that does it.

I'm gonna go to the paper and confront that critic.

Dick, do you think that's a good idea?

Honey, I know how to handle this.

When I was in fourth grade, there was this bully,

and he wouldn't stop picking on me,

and he-- he pushed me down and he'd take my lunch,

but I-- I put an end to that.

How?

I... brought two lunches.

Dick, I don't think that strategy's gonna work with this critic.

Honey, you didn't let me finish. Then I brained him with Chunky.

[ Door closes ]

[ Door closes ]

I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh. Oh, I see. I see your...

busy destroying someone else's life.

I'll, uh-- I'll wait.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you?

I'm Dick Loudon.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I thought I felt the charisma level

of the building plummet.

Look, I'm not here to pick a fight.

All I wanna know is why you're--

you're running this-- this smear campaign against me.

It's nothing personal, Mr. Loudon. I just think you're awful.

I mean, I'm just doing my job as you're doing...

[ Clears throat] ...yours.

Well, isn't-- I mean, isn't there something else

you could trash besides my show?

Oh, believe me, Mr. Loudon,

if I thought there was something worse,

I'd leave you alone.

[ Typewriter typing ]

Have-- Have you seen, uh, Pearl of Pearl's ...?

[ Clears throat ]

Ne-- never mind. What, uh--

What is it? I mean, why-- Why me?

Look, well, here's the thing. Uh, sit down.

I'll avert my eyes.

You see, Mr. Loudon, I get paid to hate.

I mean, that's my speciality. I mean, it's what I do.

When I was working in Syracuse, single-handedly, I closed

Connie Stevens and Tommy Smothers

in Bus Stop .

You're the devil incarnate.

And somehow your show opened up a well of hate within me that...

[ Chuckles ] I just didn't know I had.

Look at this way, Loudon:

I'm a kid,

you're a candy store.

You know what I think?

I think you are a bitter,

twisted, vindictive, frustrated coot

who takes some sort of perverse pleasure

in trying to destroy

innocent and hard-working people.

I mean, it-- it is guys like you...

[ Sobbing ]

...who-- who-- who weep at-- at the drop of a...

[ Sobbing ]

What-- What are-- What are you doing?

Crying.

[ Sobbing ]

Well-- Well, quit it.

[ Sniffs ] I can't.

It's always like this when somebody yells at me.

I mean, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right.

I'm swill.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, come on. It's--

It's not always-- always that bad.

[ Sobbing ]

I-- I like some things in-- in your reviews.

Oh, you're just saying that.

[ Sobbing ]

Well, yeah, but...

[ Sobbing ]

Here.

Blow-- Blow your nose.

[ Sniffs ]

You would use single--ply.

[ Sobbing ]

Right, now-- Now are you okay?

Yes, I guess so. Thank you.

But I'm not gonna stop my reviews.

What?

I'm gonna go on trashing you

till I've driven you off the airwaves.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, yeah?

Well, next time I'll be back.

And I'll be packing a Chunky!

[ Door closing ]

Pancake people, I thought I told you

not to snake your line over our lawn!

And you've got two seconds to fold up those pup tents!

Honey, has the 'Morning News come yet?

I haven't seen it.

Uh, George, have you seen the-- the 'Morning News ?

Uh, n-- uh, no.

Well, I could've-- I could've sworn I saw it outside.

Maybe one of the pancake people used it to start their hibachi.

By the way, Dick,

I just want you to know that I think being with you

is nothing at all like watching time-lapse photography

of a guy washing his feet.

Okay, where's the paper?

"Yesterday, I was paid a visit by Dick Loudon,

and I can gleefully report that he is as tiresome in person

...as on TV.

He is to television what...

how-to books are to literature.

Ha! The joke's on--

Well, actually, it's still kinda on you, isn't it, Dick?

Uh, Dick, before you go on,

I've done some market research on this Bilgray.

Michael, how-- how do you do market research on one guy?

We slipped into his office.

Where there's a will, there's a window.

[ Giggles ]

Now, I've made up a list of his top 10 fave raves,

which we can, oh, so subtly work into the show.

So, here, slip on this Mike Nesmith Monkee hat.

Michael, I'm not gonna change just to please some...

raving lunatic hack!

Okay, Dick.

Mi-- Michael, where's my chair?

Now, Dick, you do realize if you have a chair,

you're gonna have to sit, and that's prime Bilgray bait.

I mean, we have to throw him one bone.

Michael, I want my chair back.

Fine, Dick.

Might as well paint a bulls-eye on your bottom.

Which isn't a bad idea, because he is an archery nut.

-Michael... -Say no more, Dick.

I'm used to smoke pouring out of my engines

when I pitch ideas to you.

So I've come up with a completely opposite strategy.

If you can't join 'em,

fight 'em.

What-- What-- What are you saying?

Give that Bilgray bilge-wad a taste of his own medicine.

Here.

Feast your 20/20s on this baby.

"Curtis Bilgray...

is a fatty?"

Whoa, it's even more stinging out loud.

Michael, I am not gonna stoop to such childish, petty depths.

I'm gonna go out there and do my-- my regular show.

Okay, Dick.

Have a good one.

[ Humming "Taps" ]

[ Vermont Today theme music ]

ANNOUNCER: And now it's Vermont Today ,

starring Dick Loudon.

Hey, who gave him back his chair?

[ Clears throat ]

Hi. I'm-- I'm, uh,

[ Clears throat ] I'm-- I'm Dick-- I'm Dick Loudon,

and on today's show we-- we will, uh--

We'll be, uh...

Look, I--

I just wanna say that a certain person in this town has--

has been taking pot shots at me and I...

I personally refuse to-- to stoop to his...

Curtis Bilgray's a big fatty!

Dick, I did not say today's show was awful.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

I just think that you may have gone

a little bit over the line by staging that

"Why Bilgray makes me sick" contest.

Honey, the guy is continuously ripping me apart

in-- in the press.

And I'm sure everyone in town feels it's only fair that--

that I use my show as a--

as a forum to fight back.

Dick.

We just watched Vermont Today .

Pretty low blow.

For shame, for shame.

Well, maybe not the whole town.

It's one thing what he did to you in the press.

But to call a man a "fatty".

To hear that kind of language coming out of the set.

And on a Sunday.

We finally get a first-rate critic in town,

and you have to badmouth him.

He called me "The Video Sandman."

And don't forget "The Human Anesthetic."

And "The King of Coma."

Okay, okay!

Yeah, but, Dick, he's only one person,

and you're an inn-keeping, how-to book-writing,

TV-starring conglomerate.

Another case of a big corporation stepping on a little guy.

I'm not a corporation.

Mr. Loudon, I came as soon as I saw the show,

and my eyes weren't too teary to drive.

Oh, so you must be that low life Bilgray.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Gee, you sure can't fault him on his manners.

You're Curtis Bilgray?

He's not fat.

So not only was it shocking to hear, but it wasn't even true.

Oh, double for shame.

Look, excuse me, gentlemen, excuse me,

but I really don't need the help of two country bumpkins

to get satisfaction from the likes of Loudon.

Wait a minute, that sounds like an insult.

I didn't think you'd pick up on that till next Tuesday.

And that was probably another one.

Boy, he's mean!

I told ya.

You know, maybe I was wrong to concentrate on you, Loudon.

It seems this whole town is full of people

ripe for my special sort of ridicule.

Maybe I could make it a regular feature:

"This week in Boob-Ville."

Uh-oh. Now we're in trouble.

What are we going to do to stop him?

That's the problem. There's nothing we can do.

He's right, you know. You're all quite powerless.

Wait a minute. Chester, aren't you the mayor?

That's right, I am.

[ Chuckles ]

What does that mean?

Well, it means you can get him back

by passing laws and stuff.

Yeah.

Like what?

Well, you know,

something to make his life here a living hell.

Or at least real annoying.

Like, I could pass a law making wherever he parks

a tow-away zone.

What about making it so that wherever he lives,

people can come in and use his phone?

And-- And-- And we could make it illegal to--

to write bad reviews about Sunday talk show hosts.

Oh, come on, Dick. These have to be real.

Oh, look, look, this is all absurd.

Now, look, try to follow this.

Even though you are the mayor,

I know you can't put anything into law

without supporting votes from the town council.

Well, that's-- that's true, but, uh,

we may just have enough

town council members in this room to--

to make a quorum.

All those in favor of passing the Bilgray Act

signify by raising your hand and saying, "Aye."

Aye!

Well, gee, Mr. Bilgray, is that your blue car out there?

George,

why don't you go and call Armentrout Towing Service?

Dick, uh, should I use our phone or just head over to Bilgray?

Fine.

Fine, well, yes, I can take a hint.

I don't have to be hit over the head.

Too bad.

You're not the only country bumpkins in the sea.

I shall simply ...find another town.

Oh, and Loudon,

this country inn of yours:

gauche.

[ Sniffs ]

Fatty!

Hi.

I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Our limelight days have come to a screechin' halt.

And I guess it's true that you see the same people

on the way down the ladder as going up,

'cause here you are.

Well, what happened?

See,

Darryl here in one of his night-feeding frenzies

ate Paul Anka.

By the time we got to the kitchen,

all that was left

was Paul's distinctive forehead in a pool of maple syrup.

I don't know whether to laugh or run screaming into the woods.

This must be a big blow to your plans.

Well, actually, we were getting a little sick of hearing

that endless loop of "Having My Baby."

But we haven't taken this lying down.

Show 'em the lamb chop, Darryl.

Look, right there.

The sturdy face of Joan Baez.

I-- I see nothing.

Darn.

Come on, Darryl, we better get back to the caf�

and let in the pancake mourners.

Darryl here's leading the silent vigil.

You know, I-- I think I'll always remember where I was

when I heard that the Paul Anka pancake...

was eaten.

Meow.