Original subtitles

Here it is, my 35th book.

-"How to Write How-To Books." -[ Laughs ]

Dick, why do you have so many?

Well, these are-- are for, you know,

to-- to give to family and friends.

That doesn't mean we have to take one, does it?

Phew. And congratulations.

Oh, Michael.

I have to ask you a question about your TV station.

Last night while I was watching Barnaby Jones ,

there was an ad for the news that said,

"President dead: details at 11."

So I had to stay up to watch the news.

I mean, that kind of shook me up.

Turned out that the president who was dead

was Calvin Coolidge.

So?

Well, somehow that didn't seem right.

Well, it is right, George.

I mean, Cal has said adios to Earth.

But I thought you meant our current president.

Michael, did-- did WPIV run a promo like that?

We call them "teasers", Dick.

There's nothing like them to boost ratings

on a slow news day.

But it's-- it's deceiving. It's--

it's dishonest. It's-- it's despicable.

And it works. [ Giggles ]

Besides, Dick, look at it this way.

Cal hasn't been in the news much lately.

I'm sure he appreciated the mention.

Well, Michael, how can you do that?

Well, I didn't write it, Joanna.

I just came up with the concept to mislead

and told the news department to run with it.

Michael,

people are talking about the news and...

there are books here.

Let's go.

Okay, Steph.

Hope you enjoy the news tonight, George.

I'm not going to watch it.

Oh, really?

Wait till you see tonight's teaser.

I hear the writers really came up with a doozy.

[ Sighs ]

You know, I like being a fan of Buddy Ebsen, but at what price?

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

I thought I recognized you guys.

We're here with an announcement.

We've decided to have a child.

Wha-- What?

It occurred to us

that our biological clocks are tickin',

and we don't have much time left.

Uh, that's great, guys.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh... how-- you-- how are-- how are you, uh...?

How are you planning on, you know, going--

going about that?

Well, we thought about stickin' with tradition

and havin' one with a woman,

but so far we haven't been able to coax one

into holy wedlock.

Not even "The Face."

Seems the only way we've been able

to turn a woman's head is by yellin',

"Look out behind you."

Anyway,

in our longin' to be dads, we've decided to adopt.

We hear there's a desperate need for parents.

Prob-- Probably not that desperate.

Guys, I-- I don't want to discourage you

or anything but, um,

um, I mean, do-- do you think maybe a--

a-- a kitten might solve your problem?

I don't think so.

Although Darryl here could teach a young feline

a thing or two about catchin' mice.

Come on, Darryl.

I'm sure one look at our sincere, worldly-wise faces,

and it's in the bag.

Oh, which reminds me:

when we go to the adoptin' agency,

we gotta remember to bring the sack,

so we'll have somethin' to carry the baby home in.

Dick, no adoption agency would actually

give them a child?

I think on the list of desirable parents,

they would come somewhat after...

90-year-olds,

crazy people, and childless wolf couples.

You know, I hope we don't end up competin' for the same kid.

I mean, I don't think you'd stand much chance

what with it bein' three to two.

Larry, Darryl, and... Darryl?

That's us.

Now, behave yourself in there, Darryl.

And remember, there's only three ways to get a baby:

by a woman, by adopting, or by a star in the East.

Frankly, I think this is our best shot.

Hi, I'm Kristi Gastetter.

Hi.

Are you the lady that's gonna be deliverin' our baby?

[ Laughs ]

Well, we'll see.

[ Chuckles ]

Please have a seat.

Um, I see by your application that you have two businesses;

the Minuteman Caf� and Anything For a Buck?

That's right.

We can get you franchise information if you're interested.

Oh, well, not right now.

And, um, I see that the three of you are single,

so I take it that there would be no women in the household.

Well, that's probably true.

Though you never know,

"The Face" could still come through for us.

Uh... um,

maybe-- maybe you should tell me

a little bit about why you'd like to have a child.

Well, we wanna have a little someone

to show how to fish,

how to play ball,

how to spit into the wind and duck.

I think I've got enough information.

Thank you. We'll let you know.

When?

We was all prepared to take him home today.

Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible,

but I have your number,

and I'll call as soon as we know.

You know already, don't ya?

You're not gonna give us any baby.

For some strange reason, you think we wouldn't

make good fathers.

But you're wrong.

Darryl and I'd make perfect pappys.

I mean, a part of us is kids ourselves,

but enough of us is adults so you could trust us.

And I guarantee

he'd be enterin' a happy home.

How many little babies got that goin' for 'em from the get-go?

Look, I appreciate your feelings,

-but there are certain things-- -Please.

As you can see, we'll beg if we have to.

Oh. Well...

Good morning, George.

I can't remember the last time you missed breakfast.

I know. I had to stay up late and watch the stupid news.

He, uh-- He got you again, huh?

I was in my room

enjoying one of my favorite Barnaby episodes:

Honeymoon with Death.

It's one of the later episodes

where Lee Meriwether's wearing the more tailored clothes.

Anyway, I was just sitting back, enjoying a soda

when one of those teasers came on.

What, uh-- What was it?

"Soda found contaminated. Details at 11."

Dick, the whole front of my TV got schpritzed.

I had to stay up past my bedtime

to find out if I was going to live or not.

Then it turned out that the contaminated soda

was just somebody left an open can out all night,

came back, and found a bug in it.

I'm getting pretty sick of those teasers.

Well, George, I-- I don't know what else you can do, uh,

except... giving up Barnaby Jones .

Huh, it's easy for you to say, Dick.

You've got a wife.

Oh, no, it can't be.

Guys, does this mean the agency gave you a child?

No, it means we just bought out Dutch Masters.

Of course we got a kid.

Where-- Where is it?

Outside somewhere.

Outside somewhere?

Oh, I know.

Can't wait to be introduced, huh?

Okay, we'll go see if we can find the little Dickens.

Well, they-- they seem to be doing a--

a great job of parenting so far.

[ Clears throat ]

It's a boy.

Well, what do you think?

He's-- He's, uh-- He's-- He's big.

Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces.

Well, you'd... better hope he never needs burping.

His name's Ted.

Hi.

Hi, Ted.

Nice to meet you. I'm Joanna, and this is my husband, Dick.

Hi.

Or-- Or should I say, "goochie goochie goo?"

How old are you, Ted?

Almost 18.

I'll-- I'll go with "hi".

I thought you were going to adopt a baby?

Well, Ted was as young as they'd give us.

For some reason,

they thought the fact that he was legal next month

made him the perfect choice for us.

The agency needed a bed and...

I thought it'd be nice to finally go somewhere

I was really wanted.

Even if it was just for a month.

You'd-- You'd think so.

Well... [ Chuckles ]

Congratulations to all of you!

Well, we'd better get goin'.

We got a bassinet to reinforce.

Oh, and, uh, Ted,

we're here.

Night or day.

Dick, Joanna, good news.

I just finished watching Barnaby Jones,

and I'm going right to bed.

That is good news, George.

So the teaser for the 11 o'clock report

didn't grab you tonight?

Not a bit. I couldn't care less.

What was it, George?

Oh, something like, uh,

"Beautiful town socialite elopes."

[ Door opening ]

Stephanie!

Michael! What is it?

Oh, Stephanie, thank God you're here.

Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute.

Oh, phew. No rice.

Michael! You mussed me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Steph.

I'm just so glad to see you.

Watch a little TV tonight, Michael?

Maybe see a news teaser that said,

"Beautiful town socialite elopes?"

Michael, is that why you're here?

You thought that was me?

Do you think if it'd been me,

they would've stopped at just "beautiful"?

I'm sorry, Steph. I-- I just reacted.

[ Sighs ]

I was in the midst of my creaming regimen.

Now I have to start all over again.

Next time you have a crisis, call first?

Well, Michael,

I guess maybe you've learned your lesson

about those news teasers.

I sure have.

They're even more powerful than I thought.

It's gotta be one of the best promotional tools ever.

I've got a great idea I'm gonna tell the guys

for tomorrow's teaser.

"GM cars recalled."

Then we just show these people, you know, remembering their cars.

[ Giggling ]

This is great!

Well, George, at least you don't have to

stay up tomorrow night.

Yes, I do.

Why?

I really like to listen to people talk about their cars.

Hi.

It's the dads.

With tons of pictures to show you

of our new son.

Here he is watchin' Darryl make breakfast.

Here he is coverin' his ears as Darryl eats breakfast.

So how's it been, being fathers?

Just like we dreamed.

Although, there have been a few drawbacks.

He don't want anything to do

with all those Pampers we stockpiled.

They don't ride up like those jockeys,

do they, Darryl?

And Darryl and me had a big argument

over whether to name him

Larry Junior, Darryl Junior, or Darryl Junior.

And Ted seems to be resistin' any change.

Well, you know teenagers.

Tell me about it.

We've found havin' a teen in the house

can be kind of tough.

I mean, the loud music, the constant partyin';

he don't like it much.

But you wanna know the biggest drawback?

He's only ours for three weeks.

I mean, how are we supposed to do everything

a father's supposed to do in three weeks?

Besides,

the shorter he stays,

the longer we're gonna miss him.

DICK: You know, Larry,

things in life are-- are gone be-- before you know it.

You mean like blank paper in Stephen King's house?

Exactly.

And, uh, sometimes all you can do is

make the most of-- of the time you have with someone.

And that's what I think you--

you should do with Ted.

Hm. Darryl?

Darryl thinks you're wise beyond your years.

Well...

[ Chuckles ]

And Darryl thinks you like the sound of your own voice.

Either way, we're goin' for it.

We're gonna jam pack 18 years of fatherhood

into three weeks.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's go find Larry Junior.

Darn, I thought I could slip it by.

Come on, Ted, finish up your dinner.

We got other things to do.

Do I really have to finish this?

Ted, porcupine is one of nature's most perfect foods.

It's tasty, and when you're done,

there's quills to pick your teeth with.

Darryl.

I knew you'd be the one to spoil him.

Well, come on, then.

We got some parental cramming to do.

Let's start with a traditional father/son bonding ritual,

playin' ball.

[ Ball hits the floor ]

It's okay, Darryl.

You're a good father in other ways.

Okay, measurin' time.

Oh, not again.

Guys, I'm not getting any taller.

Let's let the door-jamb decide.

Same as before.

Wait, maybe you-- you should check again.

Look at that.

He's growed that much.

Don't be picky, Darryl. We'll take it.

Okay, now, facts of life talk.

Oh, that's okay.

I think I got this one covered.

Ted, this is an important moment between fathers and son.

Now, since we have to cram all this in,

we'll give you the condensed version.

Girls:

watch out for 'em.

Okay, here's some crayons and paper.

We're lookin' for something to put up on the refrigerator.

Hi. Ted, am I early?

Oh, uh, a little bit, but that's okay.

Uh, Liz, this is my father Larry,

this is my father Darryl,

and this is my other father Darryl.

This is Liz. She-- She's in my history class.

Hi.

I-- I've got a date tonight.

We're guessin' with her?

Yeah.

Perfect timin' on that facts of life talk, Darryl.

Could we have a talk with her?

Sure.

You're not plannin' on chewin' him up

and spitting him out, are ya?

Uh, no.

She seems nice.

Well, great. Uh, what time do I have to be home?

Oh, we don't have to decide that now.

What do you mean?

You don't think we're gonna miss out

on our son's first date, do ya?

[ Camera flash going off ]

Uh, hi.

Hi, Ted.

You know, this is the first time I've ever seen you

without your fathers.

Yeah. How-- How did--

How did you manage to duck 'em?

I ran away from home.

Uh, there's no shortage of reasons

why someone would wanna get away from there, but, uh...

just out of curiosity, uh,

which one did you pick?

I-- I know this is gonna sound weird,

but they pay too much attention to me.

I mean, in all the foster homes I've lived in,

I've never had this problem before.

I mean, yesterday, I sneezed once,

and suddenly I was covered with Vicks.

Sounds like they really care about you, Ted.

I-- I know they do, and I like them too.

It's just been a little too much for me.

Can I stay here?

Sure.

Thanks.

Can I have something to eat?

You know, something that's been inspected?

Sure, we've got something wrapped and everything.

Come on.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Ted's run away from home.

Here's a picture and description you can use

without the consent of Major League Baseball.

We, uh-- We-- We don't need this.

Oh. He's already on the milk carton?

No. He's-- He's-- He's here.

Really?

Hi.

Ted, are you okay?

You got that nasty cold. You shouldn't be out.

I-- I'm okay.

Ted, we respect your right to run away,

but maybe you could just tell us what we done wrong

so we won't always be wonderin'.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we must'a done somethin'.

No. It-- It-- It just isn't fair to you.

I mean, I'm only here for a-- a month,

and you guys have a whole lifetime

of caring to give a son.

I just couldn't take all that all at once.

It's not your fault.

You're right.

It's his.

What?

Well, weren't you the one that told us

to make the most out of the time we had with Ted?

Well, uh, yeah, but I...

Do you get some sort of perverted pleasure

out of trying to ruin our lives?

Ted, would you give us another chance

if we promise to follow our own instincts?

I don't think I'll be needing this.

But before we go,

something I gotta tell ya.

I know you're not gonna like it much,

but...I've been accepted at Yale.

Ted, that's wonderful!

Why-- Why wouldn't they like that?

'Cause he knows it dashes our hopes

of him becomin' a drifter.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Not too much.

I mean, Yale is our alma mater.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, uh, excu-- uh, excuse me?

Yeah, we janitored there one summer.

Ted, we know you gotta go off on your own

like you should,

but there's just one thing we gotta know.

Will we ever see ya again?

Of course you will.

You're my dads.

Let's go home.

You know, they grow up so fast.

I mean, one minute they're just comin' into your life,

and then it just seems like a couple of weeks later,

they're goin' off to college.

Larry,

this is only a couple of weeks later.

Oh, yeah.

Well, still, it's all I can do

to keep from breakin' into a chorus of

"Sunrise, Sunset."

Wait, I know.

Darryl, what do you say we have another one?

Meow.