Original subtitles

Once again, let's take a short break

while Edith catches up with the minutes.

This is the most boring thing I have ever sat through.

Stephanie,

the town hall meeting

is one of the purest forms of democracy in action.

I mean, that's what our founding fathers had in mind

when they came up with the--

the constitution and the bill of rights.

Thanks, Dick.

This is now the second-most boring thing

I've ever sat through.

Stephanie, Dick needs all the support he can get

for his stoplight.

What's so important about a dopey stoplight?

Well, it could prevent accidents and save lives.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's okay as long as it's quick.

All set, Edith?

"All... set... Edith." Got it.

The next order of business is new ordnances.

I recognize Dick Loudon.

Well, you've known him long enough.

Jim, I asked you not to do that joke at every meeting,

funny as it is.

I-- I'd like to propose a stoplight

at the, uh-- at the intersection

of Elm Avenue and, uh, Meadowview Lane.

Been any accidents there?

Not yet, but there's a heck of a lot of, uh,

squealing brakes.

Yes?

I am Ed Whitley, I own Whitley's Brake Service,

and I say let's not rush into anything here.

This, uh-- this is a wild guess,

but I don't think Mr. Whitley

can be completely objective about this.

A stoplight, can we afford it?

Yep.

All in favor of Dick's stoplight?

The ayes have it. Motion is approved.

Congratulations, honey. Good, it's good.

Wow.

You just ask for stuff and you get it.

I'm starting to like democracy.

I'm gonna ask the town council to give me a raise.

Uh, Steph--

Stephanie, that isn't the way it goes.

You'd have to work for the city.

You'd have to work for someone.

Yo.

The chair recognizes Officer Shifflett.

-Well, you've known him-- -Jim!

Hi.

I think you all know me.

I'm custodian of your safety, guardian of your children.

Your basic man behind the badge.

I'm here today to ask for a long-overdue,

and need I say, well-deserved raise.

Can we afford it?

Not after Dick's stoplight.

Thanks a lot, Loudon.

I just hope I can hear my police radio

over my stomach growlin'.

So what are you doin' here?

Why aren't you out watchin' cars come to a full stop?

Look, I-- I-- I know you must be upset.

Why-- why is a ki-- kid in your cell?

You're lookin' at

Jimmy "Won't Put His Toys Away" McGuire.

You know the scenario.

Won't eat his vegetables, won't put away his toys.

Next thing you know

he's prayin' for a call from the governor.

He's an after school special just waiting to happen.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, McGuire, you did your time.

Now,

don't let me see your ugly mug around here again.

My version of Scared Straight .

Look, uh, I-- I'm sorry about the stoplight thing,

but, uh, I mean, why didn't you stand up and--

and fight for your raise?

You were there, Loudon.

They said they didn't have enough money

after a certain someone bled the town dry.

Look, there-- there-- there's no reason that they--

they couldn't af-- afford a stoplight and--

and a police force.

You know nothing about our budgetary woes.

Why do you think I'm all alone here?

There isn't even enough money for me to have

a nervous incompetent deputy.

Look, they're-- they're always claiming they--

they don't have money for anything.

But wh--why don't you go back there and--

and ask 'em for your raise again?

The only place I go with my hat in my hand

is my barber.

Well, then-- then leave your hat on.

And-- and-- and don't ask, demand.

I mean, this-- this town needs you.

You're right, Loudon.

[ Drops keys ]

You're lookin' at yesterday's patsy.

And if you want, I'll--

I'll go down there with you to, you know, back you up.

Well, thanks all the same.

I think I'm more imposing on my own.

Hi, hi, Dick.

Oh, Blondie, your Dagwood's here.

STEPHANIE: Ooh!

[ Giggles ]

Will I ever tire of seeing you scurry?

No.

[ Giggling ]

Why-- why am I never not here?

Oh, Michael,

I have to tell you about the town meeting.

It was amazing.

People just asked for things, and they got them.

It was almost like my childhood.

Gee, when I heard,

"Dick, stoplight, townspeople," I figured snore-in.

Don't you get it, Michael?

We can ask for things too.

-Hey, neat! -[ Chuckles ]

What should we ask for?

How 'bout luggage?

No.

One of the catches is these requests

have to be more town-oriented.

What would we like to change about this town?

How 'bout we change all the people?

No. We have to be more realistic.

We can't bring in all-new people,

much as that would be a dream come true.

I know!

Let's ask them to get rid of all the animals.

After all, that's what makes this place look so rural.

And you realize that without farm animals,

there'd be no need for farmers.

Or farm clothing!

Oh, Michael,

I'll bet this is just how New York got started.

Come on.

You can write up the proposal.

Prepare to urbanize, Dick.

Love that scurrying! [ Giggles ]

Oh, hi.

Did you see Jim and Chester?

At approximately...

13:00 hours,

I confronted Mayor Wanamaker and his sidekick, Jim.

I reiterated my demands for a raise

in a civilized and orderly manner.

And?

And they said... no.

So I told them I was prepared to walk,

and leave this burg completely unprotected.

And then what did they say?

They said, "See if we care."

As of this moment,

this town is ripe for pillage.

I am now officially on strike.

I figure four decent-size moving vans

could make this zip code cow-free in one afternoon.

The cows are leaving?

Michael and I are going to propose

to the town council

that they send all the objectionable animals away.

And cows being the largest are one of the most noticeable.

Gee, uh, I kinda like this town the way it is, animals and all.

George, if you look the other way

and let cows get out of hand,

the next thing you know you have another India.

Stephanie, have you ever seen a cow up close?

[ Scoffs ]

George, why do you think

they have fences around those things?

Would you let me introduce one to you?

[ Scoffs ]

Right.

And after that we can go visit sick people.

Stephanie, would you please do this one for me?

As a friend?

[ Sighs ]

George,

is this one of those things that if I don't do it,

you'll be giving me that look all the time?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, George.

Thanks, Stephanie.

When I'm in the mood, have the time,

and feel there is

absolutely no chance I'll get nauseous.

Great. Thursday it is.

Well, how bad can cows be?

I mean, we like them as jackets.

Well, here it is.

One bi-weekly rag removed from your front lawn,

seconds before the neighborhood bow-wow claimed it for his own.

Uh, thanks.

Story after story should paint a picture

of an unprotected town on the brink of disaster.

They'll be beggin' me to come back.

The headline says,

"Lumber Surplus."

Uh, I'm afraid you're gonna have to be

a little more realistic about the-- the effect

your absence is gonna have.

You're right.

Won't be till tonight that we're bathed

in the orange glow of a town in flames.

Oh, hi, Dick. We were wondering if--

Oh, hello, Mr. Shifflett.

Mr. Penny, Mr. Pincher.

Dick, we wanted you to know that to keep those

gathering storm clouds at bay,

we've decided to form a volunteer police department.

And we thought a scrappy guy like you

would jump at the chance to join.

So can we count you in?

I, uh-- I-- I don't-- I don't think so.

Scared, huh?

No, I-- I just support Officer Shifflett's position.

He's not scared, he's a traitor.

CHESTER: Well, we'd better go over to the jailhouse

and relieve the others.

Yeah, it's my turn to wear the badge.

Well,

there goes the ballgame.

If they get to play volunteer cop it could be months

before they see the light

or killed off in their own crossfire.

Oh, hello, Officer Shifflett.

Not an officer, ma'am.

Just a gunless, billy club-less shell of a man.

Dick, he seems down.

Well, it looks like it's gonna be a while

before the town gives in to his demands.

Well, then offer him a job here.

Honey, we-- we don't need any help.

That's no reason not to hire someone.

Well, it--

might take his mind off his troubles.

And in his present position, we could--

probably get him for a song.

Dick!

[ Clears throat ]

Hi.

Low.

Sorry.

Just free-associating.

Well,

I'm probably gonna wind up

as those bozo security night watchmen do.

Might even start gettin' a belly.

Uh, you know, I've been-- I've been thinking,

you know, with all this--

this free time on-- on your hands--

Try eternity.

Right.

Um, the-- the fact is, you know, we've been--

we've been looking for some help around--

you know, around the inn.

Right.

Throw a bone to the pitiful loser

on the couch.

No. We-- we really, really could-- could use some help.

[ Sighs ]

Listen, I know people, and I know cons,

and this is third-rate amateur time conning,

so give it up.

You're giving up already?

Well, you-- you think I'm conning you.

Yeah, but in my situation

I'm in the mood to be conned.

Besides, always felt like I could be a help around here.

Really?

Well, yeah.

You got a truckload of security problems in this joint.

But I could nix 'em no sweat.

S-- Security problems?

Well, that's what you need me for, right?

Uh, well...

Because that's what I do.

Anything else, you might as well snuff me

and stuff my lifeless hunk in the nearest compactor.

What--

what-- what else would I be talking about?

Well, great.

I'll go get my stuff.

I'll make this inn safer

than Zeppo in a crowd of Marx Brothers fans.

Oh, and,

Loudon,

I don't say this often, but...

Well, you know.

Well, Dick, I did it.

Tell him what I showed you, Stephanie.

A cow.

Roberta.

Um, up close?

Well,

as close as we could get

since Stephanie refused to get out of the car.

Well, I-- I don't--

I don't blame you, Stephanie.

I, uh-- I-- I know I roll up my windows

whenever I drive through cow country safari.

Tell Dick the rest, Stephanie.

All right.

She has the biggest, most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Except for mine, of course.

And those lashes, I would--

I know people who would kill for those lashes.

So, uh, how did you leave it with Roberta?

I told her she could stay.

What a-- what about the rest of the animals?

Well, instead of meeting all of them up close,

I decided they could stay too.

I thought I heard

a collective "phew" from the woods.

This calls for a celebration.

What do you say I go down to Farmer Gordon

and get some milk right from Roberta?

And I'll bet you've never tasted fresh milk before.

Aw, George. [ Chuckles ]

And I never will.

You have to understand,

Officer Shifflett is new here.

I am so sorry about that Danish incident.

Well, it was my fault for taking more than one.

Hold it.

Think maybe I'd better case that case.

Officer...

You wanna bet these two

haven't paid for a towel in 40 years?

Hello.

Taking home a few souvenirs to keep the memories

warm and fresh, Futterman?

Officer Shifflett, that's not our towel.

Oh, we wouldn't take one of your towels.

They're a little small.

Obviously you weren't put off by the size of the soap.

Please, Mr. and Mrs. Futterman, take the soap

with our compliments.

All right.

But don't let me catch you showerin' with it in my town.

Why'd you stop me?

No tellin' what I could've turned up

with a strip search.

Well, I'd better get back on ...Danish patrol.

Dick, remember when I told you to hire Officer Shifflett?

Well, I'm withdrawing the suggestion.

Honey, I can't fire him.

The-- the-- the town made him feel like

he-- he isn't needed.

Then, he's probably used to the feeling.

Dick, he is ruining business.

Jo-- Joanna, be patient.

I mean, the-- the-- the town is-- is bound to buckle.

I mean, there must be some crime that will--

will scare them at-- at some point.

[ Sighs ]

"Hooligans...

Paint Parking Meter Red."

"One passerby, who asked that his name be withheld,

said that he thought the color spruced up

an otherwise drab corner."

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Here's-- here's something. O--O-- Officer Shifflett!

Yo.

Right here on Page 1.

"Snowblower Reported Stolen."

South side of town. I'm not surprised.

"Clair and Gus Doria reported their snowblower stolen.

After a careful investigation by concerned neighbors...

...the blower was discovered in their back yard

under an exceptionally high drift."

Darn!

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this town doesn't need me.

They'd probably do just as well with old man Hopkins,

the school crossing guard.

He has his own uniform and he knows the streets.

Ah, what the hell am I gettin' misty-eyed for?

The town's loss is your gain.

Dick?

[ Sighs ]

Off-- Officer Shifflett, um, could-- could we talk?

Excuse me, honey.

Uh, ab-- about-- about your-- your job here at--

here at the, uh, at the--

at the Stratford--

Could-- could I-- could I see that?

Why not? Safety is on.

Why-- why don't I, uh--

why-- why don't I just put it over here?

[ Chuckles ]

Now...

about-- about-- your-- your job.

[ Sighs ]

Officer Shifflett, are we glad to see you!

Did you read about the crime spree?

What-- what crime spree?

Gee, Dick.

Take an interest in your community.

A parking meter has been vandalized.

Somebody painted it bright red.

Thank God it spruced up the corner,

but if it had been any other color...

I knew this was comin'.

First painted meters, then graffiti,

next thing you know

it's West Side Story without the singin' and dancin'.

We had an emergency town council meeting,

and we voted unanimously

to buckle under to your demands.

[ Chuckles ]

I knew you'd blink first.

It doesn't matter who blinked.

The-- the important thing is is that you're back patrolling

that-- that asphalt jungle.

Right.

Of course, Dick, we had to lose your stoplight.

What?

We're going with a stop sign.

And with the money we save, we can give

Officer Shifflett his raise.

Well, a stop sign is fine with me.

It is?

Gee, Dick, if you'd said that in the first place,

we could've avoided this whole mess.

He probably set the whole thing up

to get some cheap security help for his inn.

That's okay.

I'm not one to hold a grudge.

For long.

[ Chuckles ]

It's good to be back.

To tell you the truth,

I felt naked without the shield.

Well, gentlemen, I'd love to schmooze.

But there's a maniac loose trying to paint my town red.

Shouldn't be hard to find the culprit.

There are little red footprints all around the meter.

Oh, it's, uh, probably just kids.

I mean, when, you know-- when we were that age, we--

we'd indulge in a lot of harmless tomfoolery.

I never did.

Me either.

That would be wrong.

Kids or maybe some middle-aged delinquent with small feet.

Lift 'em, Loudon.

Meow.