Original subtitles

Dick, you'll never guess what happened.

You were, uh, followed home by two middle-aged men.

Wow, he's good.

You know Mrs. Burgess,

the woman who gives the historical presentation

to tour groups at the museum?

Yeah.

She's retiring,

and I've been asked to replace her.

We came by to see your reaction.

Con-congratulations.

What a let-down.

Guess we should leave so Dick can calm down.

Honey,

this is a copy of the presentation.

Mrs. Burgess has been giving it every week for 50 years.

The problem is that this speech

is just full of things only she would say.

Yeah, it does kinda reek of Mrs. Burgess.

See, what I need is a way to make this speech more me.

-Good idea. -So you'll write it?

-What? -Oh, come on, Dick.

If you do this for me,

I'll do something really great for you.

Like-- like what?

Like, uh, I'll give you back those pictures

that I took of you in that Valentine's Day underwear.

I'll get right on it.

You're the greatest.

Hoo hoo.

Darn, a great reaction

and no one's here to see it.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Only after tomorrow, I'll be just Larry.

Why-- why is that?

I'm proud to announce

that after many years of pinchin' my pennies,

I can now afford to go on the road

for my dream vacation: Florida.

For sun and fun?

No, miniature golf.

It's the perfect time to go.

It's the off season,

and the box cars ain't as full.

You might even be able to swing a private car.

Well, I'll be gone 8 or 9 days,

depending on how many free games I win.

So while I'm gone,

I need someone to look after Darryl.

Why-- why don't you take 'em with you?

Well, we were all plannin' to go together.

Whereas I was thrifty, though,

they blew all their money on ball bearings.

[ Metallic jingling ]

[ Clears throat ]

Aren't-- aren't they old enough to--

to take care of themselves?

I think so, but Darryl don't.

Frankly, if we--

lived in a more rural area, it might be okay.

Anyway, you're my first choice to stay with Darryl,

although Miss Stephanie won by the vote.

Uh, guys, I-- I have a big speech to rewrite and, uh,

I-- I really don't think I could give 'em any...

quality time.

Thank you, George.

I don't know how you manage to keep a cool head

during such a crisis.

No problem.

Hi, Miss Stephanie.

Hi, guys.

Miss Stephanie, I hate to impose,

but I'm gonna be goin' away, and I need someone

to look after Darryl.

Oh, well then, I suggest you ask anyone but me.

Thank you, Miss Stephanie.

Glad I could help.

Uh, Larry, I'd be glad to stay with Darryl.

Really?

What do you think?

Well, it's all right with Darryl,

but before I go blindly

handing over the reins of authority,

I'd like to be sure in my own mind

that you're the right man for the job.

Okay.

Hypothetically speaking,

what would you do if Darryl catches on fire?

I'd throw water on him.

The proper answer is put him under a cow

and start milkin' like crazy.

Although your answer sounds like it does have a shot.

Okay.

You're hired. Here you go.

Don't lose 'em.

Dick,

I just finished reading what you did to the speech.

You're welcome.

Well, I-- I know you're a bit sensitive

about your writing,

but I had a little problem with--

Hon-- Honey, say no more.

I-- I know there's a--

there's a typo on page 3.

Oh. I-- I-- I didn't notice that.

Well, then-- then, what are you having a problem with?

Well, uh,

it's kind of around, uh,

in this area.

Kind of...

just the first three pages.

The speech is three pages.

That's my problem.

-The length? -The speech.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You're, uh-- you're getting nervous

about speaking in front of a-- a crowd

and you're taking it out on a-- on a great piece of writing.

So you really think these little...

witticism things are good?

Trust me. Screams.

Well--

Remember, I did do this as a favor.

I could be watching the Darryls.

Okay. I'll-- I'll do it.

Great. Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have a typo to white out.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hi ho, JoJo, how's it go go?

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, Michael, Stephanie, listen,

how would you like to do me a favor?

Well, I think I speak for us both

when I enthusiastically say, it depends.

I'm giving a speech at the museum on Saturday,

and I'd really appreciate

a few familiar faces in the audience.

Freeze frame on that thought, Joanna.

What do we think, cake o' cups?

-It's at the museum? -Yeah.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't that where they keep old and rusty things

that were quaint 100 years ago, but now are just gross?

It would only be for half an hour.

[ Sighs ] Well, all right,

if you're gonna carry on like this.

What good friends.

Hi, George, how's it goin'?

More.

After a whole day with the Darryls,

the sound of a human voice is like music.

That's right, George,

you've been on double Darryl duty.

Yeah.

They spent the day emptying out rain gutters.

Aw, they must be tired.

I don't know about tired, but they're sure full.

When's the tour group coming?

Well, they've been off the bus for half an hour,

so they should be at the display

of Calvin Coolidge's dental plate by now.

First one in the country to hold five teeth.

That's quite a coup.

Oh, Michael, I don't like this place.

Everything's either old or dead or was in someone's mouth.

Michael, Stephanie, hi. Thanks for coming.

It was quite a sacrifice.

I mean, it's like

being held captive inside a PBS special.

This way, everyone!

Ew, Michael, bus people.

Joanna, I'd like you to meet Kirby the bus driver.

Hi.

Well, you already got Burgess beat

in the bod department.

Hey, everyone. Isn't this fun?

Huh?

How 'bout that dental plate?

-Yeah! -[ Applause ]

All right, all right.

Now I wanna present the highlight of our tour,

a colorful history of Vermont, given by Joanna Loudon.

Uh-- Uh, sorry guys, she's married.

[ Laughing ]

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked long and hard

to forge a community here against many hardships.

These Yankees faced harsh weather,

famine,

even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees beat the Indians, 12 to 8.

[ Loud laugh ]

But seriously,

when discussing the early history of our state,

one man stands out, namely Ethan Allen.

He was best known as the leader

of the Green Mountain Boys,

whose first album easily went gold.

[ Laughs, coughs ]

No, no, please, really.

Dick, what is your wife doing?

She's bringing down the tour group.

Vermont was the first state admitted to the union

after the 13 colonies.

For those of you who don't remember,

the 13 colonies were Massachusetts,

Rhode Island, Pennsylvania,

and in case Santa Claus is here,

"Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia."

[ Groans ]

Honey, let's sneak out

and get another look at those teeth.

Honey...

[ Clears throat ]

It wasn't that bad.

Dick, do you realize that because of you

I can't ever show my face in this town again?

Sure you can. They were all tourists.

Dick, they were all chanting, "Burgess, Burgess."

Well, sure, to-- toward the end.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go listen to my Ethan Allen

and the Green Mountain Boys album.

[ Laughs ]

See, I mean, it is a funny area.

O-- Okay. Okay, Joanna, okay. Maybe--

maybe I was wrong

to force you to-- to do the speech.

And-- and to be honest, maybe it was all my fault

and, uh-- and I'm-- I'm sorry.

Well, Dick, that-- that's big of you to admit it.

When I'm-- I'm wrong, I'm-- I'm wrong.

And I was wrong to...

assume that you could

deliver witty material.

Excuse me?

Well, face it, Joanna, I mean,

some people can give humorous speeches and--

and other people are-- are like you.

Dick, you're blaming me for that yawn-a-thon?

Well, it's unrealistic to blame the material.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

We just wanted to see if you were okay after that bomb.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay. We don't blame you.

No. It was that speech.

If you were gonna rewrite Mrs. Burgess's speech,

you should at least have gotten Dick to help you.

He's a professional.

Uh...

a-- actually, I was the one who rewrote the speech.

Wow, Dick.

Just 'cause you didn't get picked to do the speech

is no reason for sabotage.

Tell you what, Joanna,

why don't we just forget all this,

and you can come next week and do Mrs. Burgess's speech.

Yeah, we better tell the security guard

she's allowed back in.

I don't know if I'm delivering this right,

[ Clears throat ] but I told you so.

No offense, Joanna,

but I don't exactly live or die by a thumbs-up from them.

I mean, I still think the-- the right person

could make that material fly.

Like who?

Uh...

of the people in this room? Uh...

well, me.

Good, then you give the speech next week,

and we'll see how you do.

Oh, no, no. That-- that-- that wouldn't be fair.

I'm a professional TV host.

And I-- I'm not going to get involved

in some kind of a childish, petty, competitive--

-You're scared. -You're on.

Hi. I'm George.

This is Larry's brother Darryl,

and this is his other brother Darryl.

How are you and the Darryls getting along, George?

Oh, great.

It's been a lot of fun.

I'm doing things I've never done before.

Like today we played

Find the Hibernating Animal and Wake It.

Yeah, I'm learning a lot too.

I never knew before how many things

a person could eat and still not die.

Come on, Darryl.

-Let's add food to that list. -Oh.

Hi.

I'm Larry. Miniature golfed out.

Hi, Larry. How was your vacation?

Well, I managed to have a good time,

although I was asked to leave several courses

for usin' a wood.

But I did leave Florida in style. Police escort.

Come on, guys.

We can go down to the lake and--

Oh. Oh, hi. Hi, Larry.

Darryl.

Let's see,

uh, one, two.

Yep, all here.

You look a little bloated.

You haven't let Darryl

near the rain gutter, have you?

I have half a mind not to give you

the present I brought back from Florida.

Well, okay.

I never could resist those cherubic faces,

so reminiscent of the Campbell's kids.

It's something I put together myself,

a skeeter farm.

Now you can watch the fascinating metamorphosis

from larva to bloodsucker.

You're a good brother, Larry.

Oh, and thanks.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's go play

Find the Hibernatin' Animal and Wake It.

Oh.

And doing it a second time in one day

would border on the cruel.

I know, let's go build a giant nest

and see what crawls into it.

See you guys.

See you la...

I'll see you...

Boy, you stay with 'em,

spend time with 'em,

do fun things with 'em, and what do you get?

They leave without saying so much as a simple good-bye.

Go have kids.

Honey, do you think we should, uh,

rearrange the chairs so there's...

more room for rolling in the aisles?

Good idea, Dick.

Anything that could cut down trampling during the mass exit.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

Well, we're really looking forward

to hearing that old speech.

Dick's got something to tell you fellas.

Um, we're doing last week's speech.

Oh, no.

[ Clears throat ]

Relax, guys.

I'm doing it.

Oh, no.

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked long and hard

to forge a community here against--

against many hardships.

These Yankees faced harsh weather, famine,

even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees beat the Indians, 12 to 8.

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

But, uh-- but seriously,

when, uh-- when discussing the-- the early history of our state,

one man stands out,

Ethan Allen.

Of course, he was best known as the...

leader of the...

Green Mountain Boys,

[ Chuckles ]

whose first album easily went gold.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Um, I didn't know that they had records back then.

They-- they-- they didn't.

It was, um-- it was a joke.

[ Clears throat ] You know, it's just that

the Green Mountain Boys,

it sort of--

it sort of sounds like a-- like a musical group.

Isn't it unprofessional

to explain your jokes to your audience?

I m-- I mean, I--

I-- I ma-- I made a-- a-- a fool of myself.

Honey, that-- that was the worst speech on--

on-- on the history of Vermont in the history of-- of Vermont.

I hope those people weren't serious about

cutting off...

all their own ears.

Joanna, aren't-- aren't you gonna comfort me?

In a minute.

First I want an apology.

For-- for humiliating myself?

Dick, you humiliated me.

That was last week.

I'm-- I'm talking about-- about fresh pain here.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, okay, Joanna.

You were completely right and--

and I was completely wrong and--

and I'll never--

[ Sighs ]

I'll never do anything like that to-- to you again.

Well, that covers everything, doesn't it?

Yes it does, honey. And thank you.

You're-- you're welcome.

Now I'm-- I'm going to say something...

else negative about myself and--

I expect you to-- to disagree with me...

a-- a lot.

I-- I am the worst writer in-- in this galaxy,

and-- and-- and maybe the-- the two nearby.

Dick, you are not.

I said a lot.

Dick, you're a wonderful writer.

But even the best writers write bad things occasionally.

Only instead of crumpling them up,

you gave them to your wife.

But-- but what-- what if everything I--

everything I ever wrote was bad?

I mean, I-- I put humor in-- in my how to books.

I mean,

listen to that.

I mean, people all over the country are--

are reading my books and-- and not laughing.

Dick, you are very funny.

I mean, even your book titles are funny.

Shelf Help?

Well, you know, it was...

pretty off the wall, so to speak.

[ Laughing ]

You see?

You're right,

my book titles were funny

and the-- and the jokes in 'em were funny.

Exactly.

I-- I am one heck ...of a funny guy.

You sure are.

[ Sighs ]

JOANNA: Good night, honey.

DICK: Good night.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I-- Maybe I just had a bad audience.

-[ Sound of a slap ] -Ah!

Meow.