Original subtitles

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Hi, guys, it's-- it's great to see you.

Honey, I'm just trying to learn to make the best of it.

Thank you for that unexpected warm welcome.

Darryl's a bit flushed.

We just came by to announce

the further branching out of our creative talents.

We've started inventing.

And we wanted you to be the first

to upgrade your standard of living with this.

We call it the Dr. Dribble.

Ah.

We find that eating our favorite critter in gravy

can be a sloppy, wasteful affair.

And it's just not as much fun as it used to be,

sucking each other's shirts.

We know that feeling.

Hence Dr. Dribble.

See, the main portion of your meal remains here,

just like in your normal, inferior spoon.

But any sloshing overspill is caught here.

You can have that one.

No. No, thanks.

We'd just-- you know, we'd just wind up fighting over it.

Yeah.

We understand.

Come on, Darryl.

We'd better patent this baby.

We were beaten once before

and now every time we see mail-order sea monkeys,

it breaks our hearts.

SOS, Mayday! Mayday!

Michael, what's wrong?

It's the station.

Oh, Michael, don't get me upset for no reason.

For a minute there,

I thought something cosmetically devastating

had happened to you.

No, Steph, I'm unmaimed,

but WPIV is in serious financial trouble.

Even looks like they won't be able

to pay anyone this week.

Michael, this won't affect the quality of our dates,

will it?

Don't worry, cupcake.

Seeing this disaster coming,

I made a brilliant upper-management decision

and advanced myself a month.

Oh.

Well, then, everything's fine.

Michael, as-- as relieved as I am about your ability to date,

um, what-- what about the-- the other people at the station?

Don't worry, Dick.

I've earned every nickel of that ill-gotten booty.

I've come up with a plan to save WPIV.

A telethon.

-A telethon? -Yeah.

We get viewers to send in money

so the station can stay on the air.

Mi-- Michael, that's what public channels do,

but, uh, people won't pay to watch commercial TV.

We don't know that, Dick.

No one's ever had the gumption to ask 'em before.

[ Giggles ]

I-- I think a tele-- a telethon is a-- is a ridiculous idea.

Well, gee, Dick,

I hope that won't affect your performance

when you host it.

No way.

Now, Dick, think of your family of fellow WPIVers

all hoping, praying,

that our little TV home won't be foreclosed on.

I think you should know,

I took a poll of every other performer at the station,

and they voted unanimously that you were the one

to host the telethon.

R-- Really?

Every last one.

They all thought you were the only one with

enough stamina to stay up 48 hours straight.

48 hours? That's two days!

Dick, we have to do something to grab the viewers' attention

and everyone thinks that the health risk

to a man your age

stressing yourself out like that for that many hours

is just the ticket.

I am not killing myself for the station.

Look, I would never take the slightest chance

with your health.

You're my friend, my workmate.

My meal ticket.

[ Sighs ] Well...

And just to make you feel totally safe,

I've arranged to have a doctor by your side every minute.

Dick, for our relationship to keep working

you must be alive.

Honey, I know that. But...

I mean, a whole station is-- is at stake and--

and I'm sure, you know, it-- it couldn't be that dangerous.

Joanna, you have my word.

He'll be just fine or I'm not

the best darn producer in show business.

Dick, hold me.

How 'bout that snazzy tote board, huh?

Oh, and here's your tote board toots.

Debbie. She's the best. Watch.

And our new total is 500 dollars!

[ Michael giggles ]

Great-- uh, great gesturing.

And for every 100 dollar pledge,

the Debster will peel off an item of clothing

until she is down to her string bikini.

I call it strip-pledging.

Great name. We're not doing it.

Okay.

Lose the strip pledge angle. Dick doesn't want it.

MEN: Thank you, Dick.

Gee, Dick, the crew's already antsy enough

about not getting paid yet this week,

and now you've shot a torpedo through the S.S. Morale.

Anyway, I've written a...

opening speech for you on the teleprompter.

Michael, I'm not going on the air

until I see the doctor you promised.

Well, he, uh, [ Clears throat ]

He's not-- he's not here at the moment.

I'm over here.

Hi. I'm Timmy.

Doc-- Dr. Timmy.

He's not a doctor.

Well, not technically but he's a--

he's a certified junior lifesaver.

In swimming!

Good for you.

Michael...

Dick, real doctors cost money.

Do you want the station further in debt?

-Michael, there is no way-- -Dick, you're on the air.

-I'm going to-- -In three, two--

ANNOUNCER: It's the WPIV 48-hour telethon

with Dick Loudon.

Hi.

[ Clears throat ]

Welcome to the, uh, first WPIV telethon.

[ Clears throat ]

You may ask what's-- what's this telethon for.

Well, it's for a disease.

A disease called low profits.

[ Clears throat ]

We-- we need your money to-- to stay on the air.

You see all those high quality WPIV programs,

The-- The Ropers,

uh, Bracken's World ,

Me and the Chimp,

don't come cheap.

Now, I know many of you have been watching

these shows for years for free,

and so in a way you-- you kind of...

...owe us.

Anyway, I'm, uh, gonna go without sleep

for the next 48 hours.

Joining me will be some wonderful acts,

as well as many of your favorite WPIV personalities like

Pearl of Pearl's Kitchen , Jack of Jack's Shed

and Willy of Willy's...

Compost Heap.

Now let's, uh, take a look at the tote board

and our beginning total is...

[ Drum roll ]

Minus 200 dollars?

Tote boards cost money, Dick.

Well, we, uh--

We'd better get started, then.

So here I am,

doing my late night sermonette, and it hits me.

The crew has taken out the New Testament

and put in Hollywood Wives .

For a moment there,

the last supper was at Ma Maison.

[ Laughs ]

That, uh-- that-- that was-- that was really good, Billy.

Uh, Billy was two hours ago.

I'm Danny.

From Sermonette With Danny ?

Oh. Oh yeah. Well, let's, uh--

let's check our, uh, tote board as we go into...

[ Yawning ] Hour 25 and the new total is...

[ Drum roll ]

Minus-- minus 57.

L-- Listen, in this next hour,

I wanna see that board climb...

all the way to zero.

[ Phone rings ]

I'm, uh-- I'm going to take this call personally.

[ Clears throat ]

Hello, you're on the air with Dick Loudon.

Uh-- uh, Jo--Joanna, not now.

Well, some real-- real pledges might--

might be trying to get through.

They could so.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm fine.

Everybody gets memory trouble when-- when-- when they're tired.

[ Sighs ]

Dick Loudon, 28 Westbrook Road.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, I-- I-- I missed you too last night.

I love you too. Good-bye.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, let's get back with Reverend Lenny

and see some of his clips.

ANNOUNCER: And we're clear.

How's it going, marathon guy?

[ Yawning ] Terrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick.

As you get closer to total collapse,

I'm sure things will pick up.

Uh...

something up, guys?

Michael, you promised we'd get our pay checks today.

Where are they?

Well, they are supposed to be, uh--

Well, here they are now. The checks.

-Hey, the checks are here! -[ Excited chatter ]

Oh, uh, guys, here's your-- here's your checks, just--

just like I promised.

But, uh, WPIV management asks one teensy favor.

Under no circumstances try and cash them.

That does it. We're leavin'.

[ Drum roll ]

Hey, guys, uh, try--

try and look at this in a positive way.

You know, some of you could stand to forego a couple of meals

and shed a few kilos.

[ Giggles ]

Wait, wait-- wait a minute, guys.

If-- if you walk out that door,

you're saying goodbye to WPIV ...forever.

I mean, what-- what about

the close little family we've become?

Norm, Greg, Ted.

Who the hell are they?

All-- all right, I'm having a little trouble with names.

I-- I'm tired.

The-- the point is that

the-- the closer I get to total collapse,

the more people will tune in and-- and pledge. Right, Michael?

That's the hope.

Let's job hunt, people.

Nice-- nice speech, big guy, but I guess it's, uh,

I guess it's over.

Come on, I'll--

I'll drive you home.

I'm not leaving, Michael.

Sorry? No comprende .

I'm staying aqui .

Dick, there's no crew, no camera operators,

no director.

It is my professional opinion

that you should go home, Mr. Loudon.

Go to your tent, Timmy.

Wow.

Ignoring the doctor?

Dick, I have to tell you, I think lack of sleep

has seriously impaired your judgement,

and I demand you let me take you home or else.

Or-- or else what?

Or else...

Or else I'm--

I'm gonna have to slap ya.

I'm not giving up.

Okay, Dick. You leave me no choice.

Hysterical?

I'm sorry I had to do that. Now, let's go.

No.

Well, Dick, I didn't wanna have to do this,

but you're forcing me to use my big gun.

I'm telling Joanna.

[ Sighs ]

Hi.

Sorry.

Sorry for that little technical boo...

Uh, boo.

But as I said... sort of...

Sort of doing everything myself.

Moi.

[ Crazed laugh ]

Now, I-- I got a couple more pledges

which will bring our-- our tally-ho--

[ Laughs ]

Tally-- tally high up to--

[ Laughs ]

--a grand total of...

37 dolly-- dolly-ollars.

Now we've finally broken that elusive zero barrier.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Hi.

Well, now,

I still-- still don't hear those phones ringing so...

[ Camera creaking ]

Oh.

Oh no, not-- not again.

[ Crazed laugh ]

I guess-- I guess I lost-- I lost my head again, folks.

[ Crazed laugh ]

You know,

to show-- to show you how much

[ Laughing ] I want those fundings,

I'm going-- I'm going to do a "soft--sue".

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ] A sand dance.

Da. Da. Da.

Da. Da...

Da. Da.

I'm thinkin'...

10 songs is the maximum...

you can play on your head.

Safely.

-Ta da, ta da, ta da, tadaa! -Hold--

Dick, the family cavalry's here.

Don't touch that dial! Dick'll be right back!

Honey. Honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Joanna.

I know. What is-- What is this?

Well, we decided if you can't slap 'em,

join 'em.

I'm gonna run the cameras.

I'm gonna handle the phones.

I'm gonna show everyone how to build a bookcase.

And I can go like this

much better than that other girl.

And we're gonna talk--

Actually, we're still working on that one.

I-- I am really beat.

Dick, Dick, everyone's real excited about this.

Try and show a little sensitivity.

Besides, you'll have plenty of time to rest

once George gets rolling.

Now get-- get in there.

Go ahead, get in there and intro the handyman.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, la-- uh, ladies and gentlemen,

the-- the telethon will-- will continue after all.

Let's check our tote board total once again.

93 dollars.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie.

My next guest is Mr. George...

[ Sighs ]

-Utley. -Utley.

Oh, hi. Hi everyone.

I'm gonna show you how to build a fine, quality bookcase.

So just sit back for the next couple of hours,

enjoy...

and... pledge.

Now you see honey?

Now you can get a little rest.

[ Sighs ]

Now the first thing you do is make a frame

by hammering these boards together like this.

Always remember that when--

Ah!

Ow.

Oh, boy.

I really bashed my thumb.

Sorry, I'm out of it. Back to you, Dick.

Huh? Ah.

Ex-- excuse me.

Now what do we do?

Michael,

I'm tired of tote board bowing. I'm overqualified for it.

Well, Steph, is there any other talent you have?

Any-- anything whatsoever?

Think.

[ Gasps ]

I sang once in boarding school.

Perfect! Get ready!

[ Sighs ]

Ladies and gentlemen, the--

musical stylings of Miss--

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Old Man River that Old Man River

He must know somethin'

But don't say nothin'

He just keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

You and me, we sweat and strain

Body all achin' And wracked with pain

Tote that barge Lift that bale

Get a little drunk And you land in jail

I gets weary and sick of tryin'

I'm tired of livin', and feared of dyin'

But Old Man River, he just keeps rollin' along

That's all I remember.

[ Sobbing ] That was-- that was beautiful.

It was just-- just beautiful.

There is-- there is really

something going on inside that girl.

Oh, he's really flaking out!

We-- We've gotta do something

to shock him back to his senses.

Okay. Okay, guys. Go ahead. This is your big chance!

Oh boy. The limelight beckons.

Hi. Hi guys.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl

and this is my other brother...

...Darryl. Sorry. Bit of stage fright.

Now--

now-- now you're in for a treat.

What-- what do you--

what do you wanna talk about, fellas?

Well, I guess the most excitin' thing for us

is our newly-patented consumer item:

Dr. Dribble.

The only spoon with a patented dribble catcher.

Oh yeah, we have an update

on our cow and kitty cat cross-breeding experiment.

[ Phones begin to ring ]

Oh.

From-- from the sound of it, things are--

are finally starting to pick-- pick up.

Honey, they're not pledging.

[ Phones ringing ]

What?

They all wanna order Dr. Dribble.

Hot dog! A mail-order winner! Look out, Popeil.

Pe-- uh, people.

You-- you cannot--

you cannot order Dr. Dribble through-- through this station.

Please call only if-- if you are-- if you're gonna make a pledge.

[ Phones stop ringing ]

Well, that's-- that's better.

Hey, everyone. We're back.

[ Cymbal clash ]

Everything's all settled.

Oh, Dick, you did it!

The telethon saved the station!

Well, that's a nice thought. Totally wrong, but nice.

The station owner found out

he needed to keep 'PIV on the air

for the tax write-off.

He said we could all keep our jobs

if we pull the plug on this--

What did he call it? A-- a fiasco?

Okay, honey.

Come on. Let's go home now.

Honey, now-- now that the whole crew is here,

I-- I can finish the telethon.

What are we gonna do? He's delirious.

We'll never get him home.

Old Man River That Old Man River

He must know somethin'

But don't say nothin'

It's so beautiful.

He just keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along

Just so beautiful.

[ "Ol' Man River" instrumental plays ]

Meow.