Original subtitles

VOICEOVER: Previously, on "Newhart".

We've experienced a series of dud dates.

We've gone from fantastic to flat,

and we're trying to put some more pizz

into our zazz.

I recommend you stop seeing each other.

You mean take a brief vacation from each other.

I mean break up.

What if we got married?

A wedding might be fun.

They're here.

Major bulletin! Major bulletin!

[ Makes news ticker noise, giggles ]

Michael and I are getting married!

You mean it?

Yep. I'm officially gonna become her muffin man!

[ Giggles ]

Oh, Dick!

Oh, Joanna.

[ Giggles ]

Oh, Joanna!

[ Giggles ]

It's-- it's, uh-- it's Stephanie you're in love with, right?

Oh. [ Giggling ]

Well, we're thrilled.

Yeah. Uh, wasn't this-- this kind of sudden?

Sudden? This whole thing has been bubbling

for the last four years,

since we first became Cupid kebabs.

[ Giggles ]

On, uh, on-- on your double date with us, you--

you know, you didn't seem all that-- all that bubbly.

Oh, we blame that mostly on you two.

George, hold onto your plaids. Steph and I are getting hitched!

Wow! You crazy kids!

-[ Laughing ] -Oh!

[ Continued laughing ]

-Oh, Joanna! -I've, uh--

I've-- I've bagged my limit.

[ Chuckling ]

Uh, when's the big event?

A week from Sunday

at Mommy and Daddy's mansion;

246 guests,

Hal Rosemont Society Orchestra

and the color scheme is petal pink.

That sounds wonderful.

Yeah. I better call Mommy and Daddy

and let them know.

Natch, you're all invited.

And, Joanna,

I want you to be my maid of honor,

'cause I love you.

Oh, Stephanie, thank you.

And this way you have to do everything I say.

Oh, and Dick, since, uh,

Joanna's gonna be maid of honor,

naturally, it follows that you be

my flower girl. [ Giggling ]

I'm just kidding. [ Giggles ]

You're my best muchacho or nothing.

There-- there's a choice?

George, you're in for accolades too.

How does head usher sound?

Wow! It'll be the most exciting day of my life!

I know. [ Giggles ]

Oh, Michael! We've got a zillion things to do;

choosing the flowers,

designing the invitations,

selecting the music...

I think our first dance

should probably have a latin flavor.

Mm.

What-- what are your plans afterwards?

I'm leaning reggae.

How 'bout you, sweetcake?

No, I-- I think Dick means things like

have you thought about your financial situation,

where you're gonna live?

Like-- like, not here, right?

Dick, we've got a wedding to plan.

We can't think about the marriage.

-[ Snorts ] -[ Giggles ]

[ Stephanie giggles ]

Oh.

Dick, I've been practicing my brains out being an usher.

Watch this.

Are you with the bride or the groom?

Well, ac-- actually both, George.

I'm not quite there yet, Dick.

So how's the best man?

Have you come up with a toast yet?

Not yet.

I'm having a little trouble coming up with something

to rhyme with "tragic mistake".

Come on, honey,

I'm sure their marriage is gonna turn out to be...

...not bad.

Boy, that's every couple's dream.

You guys didn't elope, did you?

No, we just came back from our blood test,

and Steph's feeling a little woozy.

Stupid, stupid blood testers.

Steph, you know I would've rushed to your side

if I could've run with my head between my knees.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

We hear tell you two are tying the umbilical cord.

Miss Stephanie, be honest with us.

What'd he have that we didn't?

Was it his plastic good looks?

Or the way he talks?

Darryl here thinks he might be an illegal.

Guys, let me put it in simple English.

When Steph and I met, it was...

nirvana-rama.

Anyway, we brought you some wedding presents.

Darryl?

What-- what is it?

A pen from a bank.

And a partially frozen porcupine.

You know, something borrowed, something blue.

Thank you, Larry.

I guess all there is left for us is to RSVP.

Oh, uh, guys, this, uh--

this wedding's way out in the boonies.

Uh, Newport.

Oh.

Well, that changes everything.

Who do we ride with?

Oh.

Guys, you-- you don't understand. It--it's not that simple.

You just-- you can't--

You're riding with Dick.

What?

Oh, by the way, can we have a window seat?

Uh, wh-- uh, why?

Darryl likes to moon out-of-state drivers.

Yes, I just want to make sure

that everything is exactly as per our agreement.

Eighty pounds of beluga caviar,

200 magna of Dom Perignon champagne,

a 20-foot ice sculpture in the shape

of the Chicago Stock Exchange...

I don't care if it's making your life

a living hell.

I'm rich, and I want it.

Arthur, aren't we going a little overboard

on this affair?

Nonsense, Marian.

How often does our daughter get married?

Twice so far.

Good morning.

-ARTHUR: Ah. - Good morning, everyone.

I hope you all had a pleasant night.

I slept like a log.

[ Clears throat ]

I had nightmares about out-of-state drivers

pulling alongside our car.

Where are the pre-newlyweds this morning?

They are posing for the figurines

on top of the wedding cake.

We, uh-- we-- we did that.

This is quite a spread you guys got here, Art.

We're guessing that you must be one of them two income families.

These three chaps are a hoot.

[ Laughs ]

Everyone, please join us

for breakfast on the verandah.

Oh, boy! Another chance to practice!

[ Clears throat ]

Right this way.

Actually, it's this way.

I'm glad I got that handyman thing

to fall back on.

Oh, Michael, that posing was a lot tougher

than I thought.

No wonder other couples

settle for strangers on their cakes.

Ah, it's gonna be worth it

to see a miniature of my wonder wench

in butter cream.

Michael, everything's been so hectic.

Do you realize this is

the first chance we've had to be alone?

You're right, Steph.

You wanna bend your ear to nibble distance?

[ Giggles ]

Are you happy, Michael?

Sure. Didn't you hear me just go-- [ Giggles ]

So you wanna marry me?

Steph, I know things were a little frazzled

the day I asked you to be my cuter half,

so right now I'd--

like to do things right.

Michael, proposals are on one knee.

Begging forgiveness is on two.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Force of habit.

Steph, I want you to have this.

Oh, Michael,

it's the most... beautiful, most...

miniscule little thing I've ever seen.

Cupcake, I know it's small, but believe me,

it stretches every credit line I have to its very limit.

Aw, Michael.

I know you deserve better.

You're right. I do.

But it is from you.

Oh, Steph.

From the moment I met you four years ago,

my life has been nothing but wall-to-wall wows.

Stephanie Vanderkellen,

will you marry me?

Yes, you lucky dog, you.

Oh, Steph, I'm supposed to make you cry.

[ Giggles ]

Mommy!

Daddy! Everybody!

Stephanie, what is it?

Michael just proposed to me!

Is-- isn't that why we're here?

Yeah, but I did it much better this time.

There's a ring and everything.

Where?

This isn't one of those squirter things, is it?

You know, if-- if you put your eyeball

right up to it,

it's-- it's as big as anything.

Wow, what a rock!

Arthur, it isn't the size,

it's the thought that counts.

Is not.

Now, Mummy and Daddy, stop that.

Michael,

this ring will always have a special place in my heart,

if not on my finger.

Oh, Steph.

Uh, by the way,

my secretary typed up that list of wedding vows

you asked for.

Uh, you might want to look it over.

Oh, poo. Papers. Michael.

They look fine to me.

"For richer or even richer."

"In health and minor aches and pains?"

Quite a commitment.

Come on, Michael.

We have to start planning what's going to happen

after the wedding.

Stephanie, that's great.

You have to practice feeding me the cake

so I get just enough icing

on the tip of my cute little nose

to make it seem like I'm a good sport.

Icing on my cupcake. [ Giggles ]

Loudon, I feel good about those two kids.

Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[ Clears throat ]

Right this way.

Uh, actually, it's that way.

Darn.

I thought I had that one nailed.

Joanna, did you hear that?

I mean, when-- when it comes to the future,

they-- they-- they haven't looked past the--

the tip of Stephanie's nose.

Oh, come on, Dick.

I mean, when you and I got married,

we didn't know everything.

We thought it was gonna be fun.

I mean all the time.

Joanna, you-- you and I were different.

We-- we were mature.

I mean, we-- we didn't call each other

"muffin" and "cupcake".

I mean-- I mean, sure they-- they know each other's...

favorite sweater colors.

Sure-- sure they know what--

what cartoon characters they--

they'd most like to be friends with.

But-- but they don't even know where they're gonna live.

I mean, I-- I really think that-- that I should say something.

Dick, it's not your place to say anything.

You're right.

[ Sighs ]

Let's let their pal

Huckleberry Hound handle this.

When he shakes his head, his hair bounces

almost as good as mine.

Oh, he does sound perfect, Stephanie.

-Oh, Joanna? -Hm?

I don't think you've met everyone.

Joanna, these are my best and dearest friends

-in the whole wide world. -[ Chuckles ]

Francine, Blythe, Alicia, Midge,

Lauren, Muffy with a 'y' and Muffie with an 'ie.'

Hi.

Well, enough unimportant stuff. Let's open the gifts.

[ Crystal glasses ringing ]

All right, all right, enough of the talent.

On with the toasts.

Loudon.

Michael,

[ Clears throat ]

marriage is like an airplane flight.

Sometimes you ride in first class,

sometimes you have to sit in coach.

Sometimes the ride is smooth,

other times you-- you hit turbulence.

Sometimes you get a-- a four-course meal,

other times you have to settle for nuts.

Sometimes--

All right, Loudon. How long is this flight?

I guess I-- I won't get into the part

a--about the lost luggage.

What-- what I'm trying to say is that marriage isn't easy,

but I-- I'm sure that-- that you two will, uh--

An--an--anyway, good-- good luck.

Hear, hear!

We wish you very well in your marriage

and even though we were once bitter rivals,

we say this from the bottom of our heart,

dibs if you divorce her.

This one's from Francine.

Ooh.

[ Sighs ]

It's another Faberg� egg.

[ Sobs ]

It's okay, but next time check with

the other girls first.

I don't believe this.

A designer wardrobe, a-- a trip to Monte Carlo,

and Faberg� eggs?

Don't worry.

It looks like there are some big ones coming up.

I wanna thank you all for being here.

Gathered in this room are the men

who mean the most to me in my life.

M--more or less.

To one of the men who I respect most in the world,

the Dickster.

A-- a boffo best man.

Uh, to George,

who I think is gonna make one heck of a terrif usher.

Great. More pressure.

To Mr. V, my future padre-in-law.

I wanna thank you for...

creating Stephanie.

LARRY: Here's a little trick

for gettin' more bubbles in the champagne.

[ Burbling ]

You know,

when I was a little girl,

I had an image of what

my second husband would be like.

Michael Harris comes closer to filling that bill

than anyone I've ever met.

Hear, hear!

Oh boy, Dick. You look primo.

[ Giggles ]

In that outfit,

you could double as best man and a waiter at the reception.

Boy, this has been great.

Steph and I have been

the center of attention all week.

[ Giggles ]

People have showered us with gifts,

we saw our names printed a thousand times

in Bodini Bold. [ Giggles ]

This wedding was the best idea Stephanie and I ever had.

With all this flurry of fun, there's--

there's only one thing I forgot.

Your blessing.

My-- my-- my blessing?

Well,

my dad's gone,

and my mom's flitting around Europe

with some guy named Paolo.

You're sort of like...

the father I never had.

Go ahead, Dick.

O--Okay, um...

Um, ble-- ble-- bless you.

Come on, Dick. I didn't sneeze.

I-- I just want you to be totally honest

and say that you approve

and think I'm doing the right thing.

Michael, to, uh--

to-- to tell you the-- the complete truth, I uh,

I-- I don't feel...

right a--about this-- about this wedding.

Well, obviously you're new to this blessing business.

Why don't you take another run at it?

Michael, I-- I-- I wish I felt--

I wish I felt differently, but I--

I have serious doubts about whether your--

your marrying Stephanie is, uh, well, a good idea.

What?

Honey, they want us for wedding photos.

Dick's trying to 86 the marriage!

Dick!

Joanna!

The maid of honor

shouldn't abandon the bride right before the wedding.

I said I was thirsty.

Michael!

The bride and groom are not supposed to see each other!

Steph, Dick's trying to put the kibosh on our nuptials!

What?

Look, whether-- whether you get married or not

is-- is your decision.

I-- I just think you should-- [ Sighs ]

You should know that marriage is-- is hard.

It-- it-- it's responsibilities.

It's--

[ Sighs ]

it-- it's daily.

It's not all--

not all rainbows and--

and fireworks.

Is too.

Steph's right.

The only bumps in this marriage will be of the goose variety!

Look, mar-- uh, marriage can be terrific,

but, I mean, if you two are simply

looking for something

to get you out of the dating blahs,

I mean, this-- this isn't the answer.

But I love Michael

and he loves me. Isn't that enough?

Dick, it should be,

especially with 15 minutes to go until the wedding.

Dick you realize if Steph and I don't get married,

we'll have to break up.

Oh, Michael! Not again!

Well, I'm sorry, Steph,

but there's no other choice for us!

[ Stephanie sobs ]

Dick says we shouldn't get married and--

we don't have any fun dating anymore,

so we have to break up!

[ Sobbing ]

But, Michael, I wanted to be with you forever!

Oh, me too, Steph! [ Sobbing ]

I don't wanna live without you!

Well, maybe we could jump off Lover's Leap together!

I'm sure we can get Dick's blessing for that!

[ Sobs ]

You're right, Dick.

This is much better than them getting married.

All-- all-- all right, I'll-- I'll give you my blessing.

You-- you mean it?

Well, if the wedding is already paid for.

If being apart causes you this-- this much pain,

then-- then there's no way your-- your marriage can be any worse.

Oh, Dick! That's beautiful!

Oh, Dick!

[ Sobs ]

Oh, no, I triggered one of those again.

Come on, Steph,

let's go walk down that aisle!

Michael!

You didn't see me, did you?

No, Steph, my eyes were too full of tears.

You were nothing but a cute blur.

Oh, phew.

[ Organ music ]

Hey, Dick.

Everyone's in a seat and nobody's hurt.

Way-- way to ush, George.

[ String music: "Here Comes the Bride" ]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to witness the marriage

of Stephanie Vanderkellen and Michael Harris.

-PRIEST: To surround them with... -Uh-oh.

...our prayers and to ask God's blessing upon them...

What is it, Steph?

Is it just me or...

did the fun peak, right before "Dearly beloved"?

Well, I'm definitely sensing a dip in the spark index.

Let's not panic. Let's give it a second.

PRIEST: --their solemn vows to each other.

No, it's definitely still plummeting!

So, Stephanie and Michael,

as you face the future together--

You better hold it.

Michael, I don't understand.

All the planning for the wedding was fun.

But now all we're faced with is...

a big fat marriage.

You're right, Steph, and if this trend continues,

think of how it will be in another 20 or 30 years.

It'll be just like Dick said.

It won't be all rainbows and fireworks.

Ew!

What's, um-- what's going on?

We're thinking you were right, Dick.

We shouldn't get married.

What?

Well, after the walk down the aisle,

the rest was anti-climactic.

I mean, everyone had seen me in the dress.

What's going on?

Excuse me. Uh, can I have everybody's attention?

[ Chuckles ]

Uh,

[ Giggles ]

we, uh--

we were going to get married,

but Dick talked us out of it.

[ Gasps ]

Which one is Dick?

[ Clears throat ] That, um--

that would-- that would-- that would be--

that would be me.

Oh, good. She's back in the dating pool.

Does this mean you're going to break up?

Are we, Michael?

No, Steph, I've got it all figured out.

We'll just stay engaged forever.

We'll be in a state of perpetual wedding planning.

That way the spark will never die.

Ooh!

Then, we can just go on dating and dating!

Loudon, what did you do?

I didn't spend a bazillion dollars

to have my daughter and Michael "go together."

Come on, Steph, let's make it official.

Stephanie, will you marry me, sometime in the unspecified,

distant future?

Oh, Michael, of course I will!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're engaged!

Meow.