Original subtitles

Oh, uh, uh, George.

Yeah, Dick?

Uh, you promised to-- to fix the--

the leak in our-- in our bathroom

after you finished painting the trim on--

on the new-- the new birdfeeder.

Uh, that-- that was two buckets ago.

Yeah, well, there's a new problem, Dick.

Squirrels.

They've taken over the bird's feeder.

I wouldn't care if the birds and the squirrels

used the feeder, but--

I'll let you in on a secret of nature, Dick.

Squirrels don't like to share.

The dripping is keeping me up, George,

so I'm-- I'm afraid the birds

are gonna have to wait a little while.

No, they can't, Dick.

They're used to me feeding 'em.

If the food isn't there, they'll die.

Well, I-- I've heard if a person can't ever fall asleep,

they can die.

Yeah, well, there's only one of you.

There's at least 90 birds.

[ Door closing ]

Well,

here we are, Steph.

At home.

Or should I say, "inn" home.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, Michael,

thank you for the...

lovely time.

Now is the date officially over?

Yes. What did you think?

Well, I think this makes four dates in a row

that haven't been fun.

I know, Steph. I don't know what's wrong.

We-- we paraded around town.

We played "What would you buy with three million dollars

if you had to spend it all on yourself."

Had all the ingredients of a great date.

But I didn't even go, "Ooh!" once.

Michael,

I'm worried we're getting... stale.

[ Gasps ]

But there's one way to find out for sure,

a Cosmopolitan test.

There's one in this month.

"Has Your Relationship Broken the Bore Barrier?"

"Do you often do the same thing date after date?"

Yes.

Well, Steph, that's not really a fair question.

There's-- there's only so much to do in this town.

Michael, this is Cosmo , so it's completely scientific.

"Can you always tell

what the other is going to say?"

-Yes. -Yes.

"If you were on a date and it were going badly,

would you,

A, suggest that you forget this activity

and that the two of you go skinny-dipping instead?"

"B, during the date, pretend that everything is okay,

but try to discuss it later to no avail?"

"B" it is.

"How many unpleasant dates in a row have you had?

One, two, three or more?"

Three or more.

Oh,

now here comes the part I hate,

tallying.

A 10, Steph.

A nice round number.

"If you scored a 10 or below,

your relationship has broken the bore barrier

and is rapidly approaching the comatose zone."

That sounds negative.

"We suggest you find a stable, interesting relationship

and observe it for clues.

Good luck. You'll need it."

Oh, hi. Michael, Stephanie.

Joanna,

this is the funniest thing I have ever written.

Prepare to hold your sides.

Hey, there goes one half of a stable relationship.

What say we observe Dick and Joanna for clues?

Well, I guess it's either that

or take the test again and cheat.

"When, uh-- when rolling out the fiberglass,

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ] it's, uh--

it's very important you wear gloves

or...

you might add...

insulation to injury."

[ Laughs ]

You-- you can-- you can let go of your sides now.

Do, uh-- do you want to open this can of worms

or should I?

Oh, Steph and I have suffered a few bad dates,

and the Cosmo test we took

recommended that we observe a stable couple.

Uh, you-- you two are it.

Well, that's flattering.

I guess.

Where are you going?

To get some coffee.

Michael, this isn't working.

Why, cuppers?

Because even on our worst dates, more fun than this happens.

Well, that isn't a fair comparison.

This is everyday life, not a date.

Okay, we'll observe you on a date.

No. No, no you won't.

That's why we got married,

so we wouldn't have to date anymore.

I think a date would be fun.

I think a date would be ridiculous.

That's just what I should expect from a man who likes ruts.

What are you talking about, ruts?

J--Just-- just last year, I w-- I was spontaneous.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

You two might wanna take the Cosmo test

"Are You Fighting Your Way to an Early Divorce?"

Not early enough.

All right, we'll go on a stupid date.

Great, make that a double.

You two pick the place, and Steph and I will be there

with peepers peeled.

[ Giggles ]

Joanna, cut it out.

Dick, if you don't want us to keep score, fine,

but if you want me to keep score,

you can't keep yelling at me

every time I ask how you did on a hole.

I got a six, okay?

Okay.

And how did you do?

I got a one.

See, that's why we never date.

Why?

Because every time you do something

better than I do, you-- you-- you gloat.

I'm not gloating.

You're comparing our scores.

I'm tabulating, Dick.

There is a difference between tabulating and gloating.

And what you're doing is gloating.

Are they still fighting?

Does this place have indoor/outdoor carpeting?

I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea.

Why, Steph?

Well, we're playing a game

where the aim is to be below par.

It's all wrong for me.

JOANNA: Oh, good, a water hole.

DICK: Trying to mess with my concentration,

aren't you, Joanna?

And there's too much yelling.

Yeah, but, Steph, maybe that's how

they keep their relationship fresh.

You know, by arguing.

Should we try it?

That's the assignment.

Okay.

Michael, move out of the way. It's my turn.

No-- no, it's not. It's my turn.

It's mine.

-Mine. -Mine.

-Mine. -I'm bored.

Well, let's-- let's catch up with Dick and Joanna.

Maybe we're missing something.

Oh, what-- what do you wanna say we got on this hole?

What's good?

A two.

I'm tired of twos.

Let's give ourselves ones.

Done. [ Chuckles ]

Now, you realize if we join Dick and Joanna,

we may actually have to play a hole.

Ew.

I swear that windmill was inconsistent.

Dick, we are supposed to be showing Stephanie and Michael

that a long-term relationship can be fun,

and all we're doing is fighting.

That's because somebody has done nothing but--

Don't say it.

--gloat.

Well, what do you want me to do? Let you win?

Yes.

Dream on.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Gasps ]

I-- I don't believe it.

You-- you missed the wheel altogether.

The-- the best you can hope for...

is a three...

and that would be a miracle!

Shut up!

[ Crickets chirping ]

Phew.

[ Bell clangs ]

It-- it went in the gold seat.

That means it's a hole-in-one.

That means you get a free pass.

I mean, that's-- that's as good as money.

I mean, that's like saying you're a professional.

Is this a fun game or what?

[ Bell slows and stops ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

What's-- what's going on?

I think it's stuck.

Well, I'm gonna find that guy--

Stephanie and Michael.

[ Sighs ]

My, isn't life funny?

Well, I best go talk to the manager.

Excuse me, sweetie.

DICK: Hey, buddy!

Wait for me, honey!

What a swell game, huh?

You know, Steph,

Dick and Joanna have actually been

participating in this game.

Maybe that's why they're having fun.

All right. I'll try it.

Well, whose ball was that?

Who cares?

[ Bell clangs ]

See, if we were having fun, I think that would be exciting.

Well, I-- I'm afraid there's bad news

on the bird front, Dick.

I designed a feeder with a hole

that's big enough for the birds

but too small for the squirrels.

Well, that-- that sounds good, George.

What's-- what's the problem?

Well, a cardinal got in.

She ate so much, she couldn't get back out.

So then she ate some more, and by the time I got to her,

she was a balloon,

so I'm kinda back to square one.

That's all right, George,

'cause the last time I checked the faucet,

it-- it had stopped dripping.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Now it's a steady stream.

All right, Dick, you decide.

A leaky faucet

or a chubby bird in distress?

Chubby bird.

Dick,

I've never felt closer to you than right now.

Well, here we are.

Home sweet hotel.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Michael,

we really need to talk.

I think we both agree tonight was a bust.

I personally blame Dick.

Michael,

my whole dating life

I've had one steadfast, unbreakable rule.

Four bad dates and dump him.

I had the same rule, Steph.

Oh, dear.

Only mine was five bad dates.

Something has to give.

I know.

I know. We-- we--

we love each other,

but something has zapped the zip.

What do you think we should do?

Well, I feel like we've tried everything.

I mean, you have your break-up rule

and I have mine,

so it seems to me there's only one thing we can do.

Seek professional help.

Professional help?

You mean... counseling?

Well, I know it's an extreme step,

but nothing else has brought back

the old sizzle-lean.

Michael, you don't understand.

No one in my family has ever received any help

from a mental health professional.

We've always been blessed with enough money

to just lock the troubled ones away.

There has to be another way.

Maybe if we...

threw ourselves a party or...

went someplace tropical.

Steph, what if we do those things,

and they turn out badly?

How will we ever dig ourselves out

from eight or nine bad dates?

I can't go to a counselor! I won't!

We can always use assumed names.

And we'd have to go to another town.

No one will ever know.

All right.

Attagirl.

I hope you realize how much this means I love you,

Chuck.

Hi.

I'm Mary Kaiser, and you must be... Chuck,

and you must be... Dawn.

Righto.

Nice to meet you.

Now, what can I do for you two?

Well, we are here because we've experienced a series of dud dates.

We've gone from fantastic to flat,

and we're trying to put some more pizz

into our zazz.

Uh-huh.

The, uh, positive aspects of your relationship

seem to be waning?

-Huh? -Huh?

You don't have much fun anymore.

Bingo.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I'm-- I'm sure you're both aware that all relationships

go through a natural ebb and flow.

Uh, you two could just be in a valley.

We want all peaks.

We're-- we're used to all peaks.

I see.

Uh, well, what have you done to help the situation?

Uh, we took a Cosmo test

and double-dated with a stable couple.

I bought matching sweaters and shopped for shoes

made from exotic reptiles.

The usual.

Of course.

Excuse me, what is today's date?

The 11th.

And that's not a day

where people play pranks on one another, is it?

Don't think so.

Uh-huh.

Let's try to take this one step at a time.

You say you want more fun.

Define fun.

Chuck?

Oh, that's easy.

Uh, sneaking into department stores

and replacing those loser wallet photos

with snaps of Ours Truly.

[ Giggles ]

Really?

Generally, a fun date

is filled with grins and giggles

and a general sense of being superior to others.

Feeling smug and giggling.

And no yelling.

Let's discuss likes and dislikes.

Dawn, what do you like about Chuck?

His hair.

Yeah.

I-- I was talking more about things that he has control over.

The way he fixes his hair.

Thanks, cupcake.

[ Dr. Kaiser sighs ]

No, Dawn,

what personality traits do you admire in Chuck?

Chuck, I thought you said there weren't going to be

any hard questions.

Uh, Dr. Kaiser, uh,

my personality is reflected in how I fix my hair,

and Dawn is saying she likes that.

Come on, who sent you here? Dr. Howe?

[ Laughs ]

We-- we got your name from the Yellow Pages.

Then, let's just go on.

Chuck, what do you like about Dawn?

Everything. [ Giggles ]

She is perfection personified.

[ Chuckles ]

Any criticism?

None. Well...

[ Chuckles ] She knows how I feel

about certain shades of toenail polish.

We're very open about things like that.

So you can see how in sync we are.

Can you clue us in as to why the fun-slippage?

Well, we can try to work through this relationship together,

and I emphasize "try."

I-- I suggest that we start with no less

than three sessions a week.

What?

Oh-- oh, we can't come back.

We need answers today.

That's the deal, doc.

There'll be no sequels to this sesh.

Well, I hardly think it would be fair of me

to judge you based on one short meeting.

Well, come on, doc.

We know you've got car payments, but give us a break.

[ Giggles ]

But sometimes one short meeting is all you need.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, uh,

I-- I think it's fairly obvious

that you two share the same shallow values.

Right.

A--A--Again, I-- I just met you,

uh, but I suspect that you

prevent each other from growing.

Thank you.

Dr. Kaiser, I think I speak for us both

when I say we appreciate the praise,

but are more interested in the prescription.

I recommend you stop seeing each other.

You mean take a brief vacation from each other.

I mean break up.

For--?

Ever.

Run away from each other. Never see each other again.

Michael, I don't think this is going to help us

have more fun.

You two have the most surface relationship

I have ever seen.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have thinking patients to see.

And you swear Dr. Howe's not behind this?

Dick, you'll be glad to know that everything is A-Okay.

You mean you've finally designed a squirrel-proof feeder.

No, I put up two.

One filled with stuff the birds like

and one filled with nuts for the squirrels.

And I'm gonna right now get a pipe wrench

to fix that leak.

I think I'll tell Joanna that she can put away the, uh--

the scuba gear.

Hey, you raccoons, get away from there!

[ Sighs ]

Looks like our skyline's gonna be dotted

with feeders, Dick.

[ Sighs ]

Honey, you wanna put the bed on pontoons?

I am so depressed.

Did you hear what Dr. Kaiser yelled out after us.

"Don't even try to remain friends."

Maybe she was right.

All the signs point to breaking up.

Steph, we can't give up.

There must be something we can do.

I can't chance another bad time.

It's beginning to affect my complexion.

I know.

But I still feel that there's--

there's something that we haven't tried.

Michael,

stop torturing yourself.

Maybe we aren't right for each other.

Maybe we should just... break up.

What else can we do?

Should we risk a kiss?

I'd hate to part with a bad memory.

It wasn't bad.

Good-bye.

Cupcake.

What if--?

What if we got married?

A wedding might be fun.

There'd be parties and presents and color schemes!

Ooh!

It's back!

[ Giggles ]

Meow.