Original subtitles

Stephanie, could you refill this marmalade jar?

[ Sighs ]

Joanna, what do I look like?

A maid.

Do not.

And while you're at it,

the maple syrup pitchers could use refilling.

[ Sighs ]

Well?

It... looks good, George.

Yeah, uh, no one, you know, no one would ever--

ever guess it's a hairpiece.

It's part of my Halloween costume.

The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz .

Coming through with maple syrup. Stupid, filthy trees.

Hi, Stephanie. This is part of my Halloween costume.

Guess who I'm going as.

Joanna?

Stephanie!

It's the Cowardly Lion.

Oh.

Well, then, you'd better add a tail or something

or everyone will be guessing Joanna.

You know, Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays.

I used to go trick-or-treating door to door.

George, uh...

you're not... planning on going trick-or-treating, are you?

Come on, Joanna, I'm too old for that.

I mean, last year I was pushing it.

Actually, uh...

I was kinda hoping I could wear my costume

to a, uh, well,

[ Clears throat ] costume party.

[ Gasps ] Ooh! A party!

Right here at the Stratford! Yes, why not?

How-- How's this for a why not?

Over my dead body.

Good costume idea, Dick!

I hate Halloween parties.

All-- All those people in-- in silly costumes

carving faces in vegetables and...

I-- I mean all this beautiful furniture.

There's-- There's great potential for-- for nicks.

Come on, Dick. You won't even have to do anything.

I'll take care of the decorations,

the party games,

I'll even create the spooky noises.

Ooh!

And I'll... come.

Dick, all you have to do is sit back, drink cider,

and pass judgment.

All right.

-Let's party. -Oh, Dick!

George...

Can-- can you give me a hand here?

Something's poking me.

Oh, it's nothing,

just a jagged piece of tin gouging at your side there.

I'm-- I'm such a sissy.

Boy, you've gotta watch out for that costume.

You could nick the hell outta this place.

GEORGE: Wow!

Look at us: a Cowardly Lion, a Tin Man, and Vampira.

I'll bet that would've made an even better movie.

[ Snickers ]

Hi, all!

Gee, it's great to be in from the "ootside".

[ Giggles ]

Oh, Steph!

Well, that's it. I'm "oot" of here.

Wait a minute, Dick.

Your rivet's open.

Made you look.

[ Giggles ]

Well, here I am.

I hope you all notice that I'm dressed

as somebody you have to bow down to.

-Michael. -Oh, sorry, Steph.

Come on, you guys.

Dick, this is gonna be a party you'll never forget.

I've recorded scary sounds,

there's gonna be costume judging...

And are you ready for this?

Apple bobbing.

Gonna be a real night of terror.

Don't worry about all this Halloween hokum, Dick.

In a little while, you and I can sneak upstairs

and watch a special fright night on WPIV.

A twin bill of War of the Worlds , a perennial Halloween fave,

and a soon-to-be-classic: The Boogens.

Honey, um, I don't know how long I can stay here.

You know, I mean, The Boogens .

[ Knock on the door ]

-Oh. -Someone's coming.

[ Recording of George howling ]

Wow, we just got here and already I'm a-scared.

So who are you guys supposed to be?

Well, I'm Tweedledee and Chester's Tweedledum.

No, Jim. I'm Tweedledee, and you're Tweedledum.

No, I'm not.

I get so sick of the same argument year after year.

[ Thunder ]

I'm getting so many compliments on this outfit.

Would it bother you if I wore it all the time?

Hey, everybody! Have you heard?

It's terrible! Horrible!

What are you talking about?

Harley, what the hell kind of costume is that?

Well, I'm a ghost, but I get a little claustrophobic.

Anyway, the world is coming to an end!

What are you talking about?

It's all over TV! Special news report.

Earth is being invaded from outer space!

What?

Very funny, Harley.

No, really. I saw these one-eyed creatures

and their spaceships blasting whole cities

with their death rays!

I ran out to warn everybody

as soon as they broke for commercial.

Commercial?

Wait-- wait-- wait-- wait a minute.

In-- In this-- In this news report,

did you see any famous Hollywood stars?

Hey, now that you mention it, they got Gene Barry!

All right, everybody relax.

Michael is running the movie War of the Worlds tonight,

which is about an alien invasion.

Tell-- uh, tell 'em, Michael.

Well, actually-- [ Clears throat ]

Tell-- Tell 'em what, Dick?

That you're showing War of the Worlds tonight.

No, I'm not.

We're supposed to be running Klute .

Frankly, this whole story sounds chilling to me!

Ooh!

You mean it's not a movie?

Didn't those psychics in, uh, the tabloids

predict something exactly like this?

Wait a minute.

On my way over here,

I saw a buncha strange lights in the sky.

Where?

Over the airport.

And I heard strange truck-like noises

coming from the highway.

Mike-- Michael, what-- what are you trying to do?

Dampen those decibels, Dick. Opportunity is knocking.

I mean, this is my chance to be the Orson Welles of the '80s.

You know, recreate that boffo panic he caused

during his younger, thinner days.

That-- That's ridiculous, Michael.

That-- That was caused by a radio show 40 years ago.

I mean, uh, people aren't gonna fall for that

in-- in this day and age.

Are you kidding?

These people might as well have signs on their back

saying, "Hoax me!"

And the last report on TV said they were coming this way!

CROWD: Oh!

And-- And you know what their logical first stop will be.

Bed and breakfasts! [ Gasps ]

People, people, Michael just confessed to me

he's trying to pull a hoax on you,

just like Orson Welles did 40 years ago.

Nice try, Dick, but I think these people

are adult enough to know that...

...we're under siege!

[ Screams, panicked commotion ]

Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute! This is crazy.

I mean, who are you gonna believe,

someone who has everything in the world to gain by--

by telling fantastic stories or-- or me?

Let's barricade the door!

People, will you-- will you please put my furniture down.

And-- And for God's sake, don't nick it.

Look, any invading aliens advanced enough

to travel eons in vehicles we can barely comprehend

are-- are not gonna be stymied by a pile of furniture.

Sure, Dick. You want us to leave the porch light on too?

O-- Okay. Okay! I'll-- I'll make a deal.

Just the parsons bench.

Care-- Carefully!

Wait!

Before we're sealed up in here,

I feel it's my duty to run through town

and sow the seeds of panic!

Michael, I'm scared.

I'm dressed like a princess,

so they're going to naturally assume I'm the leader.

Although, no matter how I'm dressed,

they'd probably assume that.

Okay. What do we do now?

We need to start making some torches.

I can help you do--

Torches are for monsters.

Shovels are for UFOs.

Everyone, I'm gonna try one more time.

What Harley saw on TV was a movie

about Martians invading Earth.

What-- What do you think they were doing with Gene Barry?

Now, Dick's got a point about Gene Barry.

Finally.

Obviously, they've come for our celebrities.

Then, what are we going to do?

Well, let's give 'em Dick.

-MAN: Yeah! -MAN 2: That might work!

-What? -What?

Jim's right.

Dick may not be much, but he's the only celebrity we've got.

Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute.

Be-- Besides what Harley saw on television,

what-- what other proof

do we have that there really is an invasion?

Well, what about the lights over the airport

and the truck-like noises from the highway?

Airplanes and trucks.

Boy, he'll say anything to keep from being handed over.

People, all you have to do is turn on any TV,

and you'll see that it's a movie.

Where is the TV?

Well, the closest one is up in our bedroom.

To the bedroom!

My God, those fiends have knocked 'PIV completely off the air!

-Oh. -Aw.

Michael, you knocked off the antenna.

Oh, sorry.

[ Death ray noises ]

Now can you see it's just a movie?

[ Test pattern beep ]

What's that?

It's the WPIV test pattern.

Oh, my God! It's hideous!

Something's really wrong.

Now, they're really off the air.

I-- I better call the station, see if anything's wrong.

Phones are dead!

-Oh! -Oh!

Sure they are. Give me that.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

It is dead.

A-ha!

See, that is exactly how the Martians do it.

They always knock out the communications.

[ Gasps, screams ]

-STEPHANIE: Oh, my. -JOANNA: Stephanie, it's okay.

And this has got Martians written all over it.

We found some more lanterns.

Michael, how much longer do we have to do this

fearing for our lives thing?

Relax, Steph. There's nothing to be scared of.

[ Whimpering ] I think.

WOMAN: Ah.

Ev-- Everything's gonna be fine.

They're toying with us, seeing if we crack.

Uh, boy, they-- they picked the wrong group here.

People, don't you-- don't you realize that the--

the TV station going off the air

and-- and-- and the blackout could-- could be--

could be because,

I don't know, the storm?

But that isn't the only strange thing

that's been happening, Dick.

I didn't wanna mention this, but...

I noticed that Peterson's store was out of maple syrup today.

But they're never out.

That's a heck of a piece of information

to be sitting on, Tyler.

What does maple syrup have to do with flying saucers?

Who knows?

I'm not about to try and outguess

the keen, advanced mind of the alien.

They probably use it for rocket fuel.

Of course!

It's rare on their planet, and Vermont is drippin' in it!

It all fits!

[ Thunder rumbling ]

You know, Drew, that's a--

that's a darn intelligent theory,

but you know, it seems to me

that we'd all be a lot safer

panicking in the comfort of our own homes.

You're sending us out there, Dick?

Well, why don't you just ring the dinner bell?

Well, I'm not budging one more inch.

We're safe and sound sealed tight inside here.

-Excuse me. -[ Screams ]

They're here! Jump it! Kill it!

-What is it? What is it? -Tyler...

It's Cara Huffman.

Okay, everybody. Don't kill it.

How did you get in here, Cara?

Through the mud porch.

We forgot to barricade the other doors!

Oh, no, the kitchen furniture!

I-- I'm sorry. I just need to use the phone.

JOANNA: Our phones are dead.

Oh, dear.

I was driving home and--

Well, this is gonna sound crazy,

a large, glowing object

suddenly appeared in the middle of the road.

[ Gasps, concerned muttering ]

Glowing object?

Yeah. I swerved to avoid it, ran into a ditch,

and bumped my head.

When I came to,

five minutes had passed, and it was gone.

I've got bad news, Mrs. Huffman.

We have every reason to believe this planet

is being invaded by extraterrestrials.

Oh, my God!

There's no telling what the fiends

could have done to her while she was out.

Maybe they're here to reproduce.

Oh! I think I feel an alien growing inside me.

Ew.

People, this is insane.

If-- If there really were aliens, they-- they'd be here by now.

Where-- Where are they?

Dick's got a point.

You know, maybe we can't see them

because they're already among us.

MAN: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Oh, my God.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Who in this room could be from space?

Oh, now, that does it!

Oh, it all makes sense now.

He's the one that was trying to convince us

there was no invasion.

And he was the one who was trying

to drive us outside into their clutches.

Or whatever they have.

Sure. He's got the perfect set-up.

He runs an inn

so his Martian buddies'll have a place to bunk down.

And he writes how-to books to teach his alien friends

how to adapt to life on Earth.

And he controls the airwaves,

lulling us into a semi-conscious state

every week with his show.

Does this mean my baby will look like him?

Hold on here, all of you.

I have lived and worked with Dick Loudon

for six years, and I can definitely say

I don't really know him.

Sorry, Dick, but you do kind of keep to yourself.

People, my husband is not an alien.

Don't listen to her. She's probably a droid.

She is always buying a lot of batteries

whenever we go to the store.

Stephanie, what are you talking abou--?

All right, all right!

[ Gasps ]

Stay where you are.

Don't make me use this.

If-- If you all leave my home immediately,

without... nicking the furniture,

I may spare you.

I said, "Leave!"

Nimradi hom a gig na nee!

Well, aren't you gonna go?

Come on, Dick. No alien would talk like that.

Yeah, what do you take us for, idiots?

[ Knocking at the door ] [ Gasp ]

Open up. It's Officer Shifflett.

Uh, uh, s-- sorry, Officer Shifflett,

we can't let you in until we're sure you're human.

Okay, sounds like I have to take down this doorway with my ram.

In three...

Wa-- Uh, wait!

Ram bluff gets 'em every time.

Hi, Officer Shifflett.

Sorry, there's been some craziness here.

Not surprising under the circumstances.

Caught this man doing the Paul Revere bit,

saying we're all about to become Martian meat.

Boy, am I glad to see you, Officer.

Someone to finally set these people

straight about this--

this invasion business.

Uh, tell 'em, won't you?

Be glad to.

Looks like we're under siege from outer space.

[ Screams ]

What?

I'm here to round up a few good men

to kick some extraterrestrial butt.

You wanna fight them?

Hey, I don't care if those Marskis got two, three butts,

I'll kick every last one.

Okay, people, it's posse time.

Okay, you, Lion,

the chub in green tights,

Tweedles dum and dee,

garbage can.

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I can't make you fight for your planet.

You stay behind here with the women and children.

And-- And the Mountie.

Officer Shifflett, can't you see this--

this whole outer space, uh, scare is-- is-- is ridiculous?

Look, I might as well tell ya,

there've been numerous reports comin' in.

Saucers?

Cows.

Seems the countryside's dotted with some strange moos.

Oh, no!

Cows in Vermont!

There's more.

Seems these particular milkers

are of a glow-in-the-dark variety.

MAN: Yeah! Martians...

[ Concerned muttering ] Oh, my God!

I take it from this reaction

that cows aren't supposed to glow in the dark?

No, ma'am.

Okay, posse, let's move out.

STEPHANIE: Oh!

Posse halt.

Look! There's one of them glowing cows!

Holy moly! This is real.

Look!

Something dark and scary is coming this way!

-[ Screaming ] -Save us!

Super wide, and it's got feelers.

Quick!

Douse the lanterns and hide!

[ Wind howling ]

LARRY: Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

GEORGE: They're the guys from space?

DICK: That would explain so much.

We were hopin' to borrow some non-abrasive cleanser.

What for, guys?

Well, we were trick-or-treatin',

and when Farmer Gordon wouldn't treat,

Darryl here sprayed his cows with fluorescent paint.

But then we realized when those cows

are huddled together to sleep,

they wouldn't get wink one with each other shinin' in their eyes.

Well, that closes the file on the luminescent livestock.

I've made the Earth safe for carbon-based lifeforms again.

'Scuse me, but you folks look pretty panicked.

It appears we missed out on a lot of fun.

Well, Larry, some people here mistook the glowing cows,

among other things, for a Martian invasion.

What a bunch of rubes.

No invasion?

Boy, are we a couple of dumbheads or what?

Meow.